How Do I Control My Husband’s Spending (We Have Separate Finances)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights Episode: How Do I Control My Husband’s Spending (We Have Separate Finances)
Release Date: July 25, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, Michelle reaches out seeking advice on managing her husband's excessive spending habits despite having separate finances. As part of the Ramsey Network, hosts Dave Ramsey and Jade Warshaw delve into the complexities of their situation, offering insights and recommendations to navigate financial and marital challenges.

Caller’s Situation: Michelle’s Financial Struggles

Michelle explains that she and her husband are in a second marriage and have maintained separate finances from the outset, formalized by a prenuptial agreement. Despite this separation, Michelle has found herself financially entangled due to her husband's irresponsible spending and significant loans taken from her personal funds.

Michelle ([00:06]): "My husband is kind of... he's like a crazy spender, and I think I'm being lied to. I know we're behind on a mortgage, and it's just been tough."

Key Points:

• Separate Finances: The couple has operated independently financially for nearly 18-20 years.
• Significant Debt: Michelle has lent her husband $200,000 personally, affecting her financial stability.
• Mortgage Concerns: The mortgage is solely in her husband's name, and payments have been missed for several months, risking foreclosure in July.

Hosts’ Analysis: The Depth of Financial Separation

Dave Ramsey and Jade Warshaw analyze the depth of Michelle's and her husband's financial separation, highlighting potential dysfunction due to prolonged independence in a marital relationship.

Jade Warshaw ([03:23]): "There's such a level of dysfunction here that it's hard for Ken and I to just kind of pick up in the middle and say, do xyz."

Key Points:

• Prolonged Independence: The couple has lived separate lives financially for nearly two decades, complicating joint financial responsibilities.
• Large Loans: Lending $200,000 is beyond typical daily borrowing and signifies deeper financial dependencies.
• Emotional Disconnect: Michelle expresses caring for her husband but also frustration with his financial decisions.

Financial Implications: Potential Foreclosure and Asset Ownership

Michelle reveals that while they have significant equity in their home, the primary mortgage is in her husband's name, isolating her from direct financial repercussions should foreclosure occur.

Dave Ramsey ([04:19]): "If he loses the house, that doesn't affect you financially."

Key Points:

• Asset Protection: Michelle's separate finances mean she is not directly liable for the mortgage, safeguarding her assets.
• Risk of Foreclosure: With payments missing, the family home, valued over $2 million, is at risk, though selling the house is challenging due to her husband's beliefs in future profits from development projects.

Emotional and Relational Dynamics

The discussion shifts to the emotional ties keeping Michelle in the marriage, primarily the presence of their children.

Jade Warshaw ([04:53]): "If it weren't for the kids, like, if the kids were out of the house, would you still be married to this guy?"

Michelle ([05:00]): "Yeah, that's a good question. Fair question. I... I don't know."

Key Points:

• Conditional Commitment: Michelle acknowledges that the children are the main reason she remains in the marriage.
• Fear of Abandonment: Michelle indicates no fear of her husband leaving, suggesting her primary concern is financial rather than relational.
• Desire for Financial Independence: Michelle expresses a need to salvage her financial stability, hinting at potential separation if financial issues are not resolved.

Advice from Hosts: Counseling and Financial Boundaries

Dave Ramsey and Jade Warshaw recommend counseling as a pathway to address underlying issues in the marriage and to establish clear financial boundaries.

Dave Ramsey ([07:00]): "This is so separate. You guys are so separate. You're calling us going, what do we do together. And it's like you're not even together."

Jade Warshaw ([08:13]): "I think the best thing for you, Michelle, is to sit out and be 100% brutally honest with what you want out of this."

Key Points:

• Marriage Counseling: Recommended to address the disconnection and financial mismanagement.
• Financial Honesty: Michelle is encouraged to evaluate her desires, emphasizing her need to reclaim her financial independence.
• Ultimatums for Change: Hosts suggest that Michelle may need to set clear terms for the continuation of the marriage based on financial responsibility and mutual commitment.

Conclusion and Recommendations

The episode concludes with the hosts emphasizing the importance of honest communication, setting financial boundaries, and seeking professional counseling to navigate the intertwined challenges of marriage and separate finances. Michelle is encouraged to prioritize her financial well-being, potentially considering separation if the situation does not improve.

Dave Ramsey ([09:03]): "We're not saying give up and walk away. We're saying put an ultimatum down. If you want to be married to me, we are going to therapy and we're going to try to work through this."

Notable Quotes

• Michelle ([00:06]): "I know we're behind on a mortgage, and it's just been tough."
• Jade Warshaw ([03:23]): "There's such a level of dysfunction here that it's hard for Ken and I to just kind of pick up in the middle and say, do xyz."
• Dave Ramsey ([04:19]): "If he loses the house, that doesn't affect you financially."
• Jade Warshaw ([04:53]): "If it weren't for the kids, like, if the kids were out of the house, would you still be married to this guy?"
• Dave Ramsey ([07:00]): "This is so separate. You guys are so separate. You're calling us going, what do we do together."
• Jade Warshaw ([08:13]): "I think the best thing for you, Michelle, is to sit out and be 100% brutally honest with what you want out of this."
• Dave Ramsey ([09:03]): "We're not saying give up and walk away. We're saying put an ultimatum down."

Final Thoughts

Michelle's situation underscores the complexities that can arise in marriages with separate finances, especially when one partner struggles with financial responsibility. Through compassionate dialogue and practical advice, Dave Ramsey and Jade Warshaw highlight the necessity of open communication, financial honesty, and professional counseling in resolving such intricate issues.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Michelle]

My husband is kind of. He's like a crazy spender, and I think I'm being lied to. I know we're behind on a mortgage, and it's just been tough.

[Dave Ramsey]

Oh, I'm so sorry, Michelle. I know you're hurt and I know you're afraid, to say the least. And we're going to try to walk through this with you. Do you all. By the way you set up the question. I'm. I'm guessing or wondering if you have separate finances, so.

[Michelle]

We have separate finances because it's a second marriage for both of us.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay.

[Michelle]

And we've had a prenup since the beginning, which is fine.

[Jade]

Who made you. Who made who sign it?

[Michelle]

He made me sign it.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Michelle]

But. But now I'm. I'm actually really thankful because he's this vendor and it's very. It's been scary because I just. I know the mortgage hasn't been paid in months. The home has a fair amount of equity, but I can't convince him to sell it because he thinks that he's a developer. So he thinks the next thing is down, you know, around the corner. And it just makes me nervous. We have kids together. They're in high school. And like I said, I do have my own finances, but I have also let him borrow quite a sum of money and I just. To the point.

[Dave Ramsey]

From you or. Or in your name from.

[Michelle]

From me personally. I had to let him borrow some money because. Jenny. 200,000 girlfriend.

[Dave Ramsey]

Wow.

[Jade]

Okay, let me get my head around this. So it's only his name on the mortgage?

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Jade]

Okay, so you. Here's what's very difficult about this call you guys. For the last. How many years have you been married?

[Ken]

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[Jade]

How many years have you been married?

[Michelle]

Almost 20. Maybe 18.

[Jade]

For the last 18 years, you've had different lives.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah.

[Jade]

And we're seeing the result of that. And we're seeing. You know, you had this prenup, but you both just decided, hey, it's not just the prenup. We're like, we're going to live separate lives. And you have done that to the point of you're even lending and borrowing each other money. And this is not just Venmo me for a sandwich. This is $200,000 that you are expecting back. And so there's such a level of. And. And I'm not saying this to be rude or mean. I just am laying the cards out. There's such a level of dysfunction here that it's hard for Ken and I to just kind of pick up in the middle and say, do xyz. There's layers and layers and layers.

[Dave Ramsey]

Primarily, Jade, because I don't know what your take is, but he's. She can't do anything to stop him.

[Jade]

No, you can't.

[Dave Ramsey]

I mean, it's just like, at this point, what if you. Okay, if you were in this situation, I'm curious, what would you do?

[Jade]

It's hard to say because this has gone on so long. I like to think that I would never have let it go this far.

[Dave Ramsey]

You wouldn't have. But, I mean, in other words, she can ask for counseling. She can say, this has got to stop. I got. You know.

[Jade]

But even then, I guess my question is. The question that's burning in my heart for you is, what are you trying to salvage? Because there's not. It's not a marriage. There's a partnership here that. I see. There's some codependency here, probably, that I see. But what is it for you, Michelle, that you're wanting to salvage here?

[Michelle]

I guess. I know it sounds terrible, but I'm to the point where I'm trying to salvage my own financial stability. And I. And I do have some assets of my own, and I have some other money of my own.

[Dave Ramsey]

Well, here's the good news to that objective. If he loses the house, that doesn't affect you financially.

[Jade]

Now.

[Dave Ramsey]

It doesn't affect you. But this thing is so weird, as Jade has pointed out.

[Jade]

What if. Can I ask another question, Michelle?

[Michelle]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jade]

If it weren't for the kids, like, if the kids were out of the house, would you still be married to this guy?

[Michelle]

Yeah, that's a good question. Fair question. I. I don't know. That's. I. I don't. It's just.

[Dave Ramsey]

Is there any fear of. Is there any fear of him leaving you?

[Michelle]

Oh. Oh, no.

[Jade]

That's what I thought.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's My point. So I hear the emotion in your voice and I think Jade's doing a really.

[Jade]

With the kids. I think that something.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. It's like, what are you trying. What are you really worried about? Because this doesn't really hurt you financially.

[Jade]

No, but there's 18 years of relationship. There's. There is a relationship. It's. It's not healthy, but there's 18 years of relationship there. So I get it. And anything can start to feel. You can start to develop a normalcy with anything. Right. No matter what.

[Michelle]

You think it's going to stop. That's why it's going to stop. So of course I'm thinking like if he gets some of his business stuff resolved, that he can catch up on the mortgage. But. But yeah, I. We have a lot of equity in the house and I have proposed to him now maybe we should sell the house. I said, you know what to find. The house is worth over $2 million.

[Jade]

Now. If you did that close, how close.

[Dave Ramsey]

To foreclosure are you guys? You said it's several months. Where's the status right now?

[Michelle]

I can only go by what I'm told and not what I know. But I believe that we could be in foreclosure in July at some point.

[Jade]

So when you say, Michelle, that there's this equity that really is just his, or have you guys been splitting the mortgage? Are you on? No, it's just.

[Michelle]

Be really just his. Yes.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

See, it's so weird. It's hard for my brain to compute that. But. But again, Michelle, you guys are separate financially, so you're calling us. And honestly, you shouldn't be worried about any financial damage because you guys are already been living for 18 years completely independent of each other. Other than Christmas gifts, right?

[Jade]

I mean, yeah.

[Michelle]

Oh, no, I don't get those.

[Jade]

So. So really?

[Michelle]

But we play the pay the yard guy and the cleaning crew and pay. Which is that's what of course boils me over further. I said, well, if we can't do groceries or we can't do things, you.

[Dave Ramsey]

Know, for the house, you can do groceries. You already buy your own. Correct?

[Michelle]

Well, that is true. I. Who knows what I've spent. I mean, not that I don't.

[Dave Ramsey]

I'm fine with paying for this relationship is so jacked up that you guys have get in got to get into counseling on this. And you got to ask him because here's the deal. My guess is he's waiting to the absolute last minute to sell the house. Is that what, what it boils down to. But again, this is so separate. You guys are so separate. You're calling us going, what do we do together? And it's like you're not even together.

[Jade]

Yeah, it's a, it's a marriage counseling discussion. But it sounds like, I mean, tell me if I'm deriving the right thing here for you. The biggest benefit is, hey, I need this guy to sell the house so I can get my 200k back and I can roll out.

[Michelle]

Well, I'd probably admit to that. There's a little bit of that.

[Jade]

Listen, I am not judging you. I, I'm not judging you at all. I actually think the best.

[Dave Ramsey]

And I'm, I'm, I'd hope to give her the 200.

[Jade]

I think the best thing for you, Michelle, is to sit out and be 100 brutally honest with what you want out of this.

[Dave Ramsey]

I agree.

[Jade]

That's why I'm asking you tough questions. Because if you can walk out of here having said the words, I wouldn't even be with this guy if it wasn't for these kids. Truthfully, I just want my 200k so I can get out. I don't need him financially. I have my own two legs to stand on. That kind of tells a story. You've never mentioned in this call trying to wanting to save anything, any affection towards this guy.

[Dave Ramsey]

When I asked her, I go, are you worried about him leaving? She's like, no.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

I think this guy's got it so made with you that I think he needs a wake up call.

[Michelle]

Well, I, I mean, look, I think we're all human. We don't want to failure and we don't want to give up. I mean, I do care about him, but he's, he's kind of his own worst enemy constantly.

[Dave Ramsey]

I agree, by the way.

[Michelle]

Digging his hole. Digging his hole. And I'm like, stop with the effing hole.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, there you go.

[Jade]

You've checked out, girlfriend.

[Dave Ramsey]

I like that statement. But I. We're not saying give up and walk away. We're saying put an ultimatum down. If you want to be married to me, we are going to therapy and we're going to try to work through this. If not, there is no future. But I think you got to put your, your head now.

[Jade]

Look, but you can't just check out and not do anything.

[Dave Ramsey]

Check out and you've been checked out for a while and he's not going to change. And absent a massive, massive bounce to where he has to look nowhere but up. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.