How Do I Get My Boyfriend To Propose?

Summary

Summary of "How Do I Get My Boyfriend To Propose?" – The Ramsey Show Highlights

Episode Title: How Do I Get My Boyfriend To Propose?
Host: Ramsey Network
Release Date: April 2, 2025

In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, Tatiana reaches out seeking guidance on a significant relationship dilemma: after five years of dating, her parents are pressuring her to either commit to marriage or end the relationship. Tatiana is uncomfortable with this ultimatum and seeks clarity on how to navigate her feelings and future with her boyfriend.

Introduction to Tatiana's Situation

Tatiana begins by expressing her distress over her five-year relationship and the ultimatum presented by her parents. She feels the pressure is more about her parents' desires than what’s best for her and her relationship.

Tatiana [00:11]: "In a really bad situation right now. I have been dating my boyfriend for five years. My parents want me to give him an ultimatum, but I don't agree with that."

Understanding the Ultimatum

Dave Ramsey and Dr. John Deloney delve into the nature of the ultimatum, clarifying that it's likely centered around marriage or breaking up. Tatiana confirms this concern.

Dave [00:29]: "And the ultimatum is, I'm assuming marriage or not is what your parents are saying. Breakup or marriage kind of thing."

Tatiana's Perspective on Ultimatums

Tatiana shares her discomfort with ultimatums, likening it to a "spoiled child" demanding what they want, rather than fostering a healthy relationship dynamic.

Tatiana [00:43]: "I just feel like it's more about me and what I want versus what is actually best for the relationship... it's just not what I want."

The Importance of Pursuit in Relationships

Dr. John Deloney emphasizes that behavior speaks louder than words. He points out that Tatiana deserves a partner who actively pursues her commitment, highlighting that stagnation in a five-year relationship is unusual.

Dr. John Deloney [02:13]: "When I Met Sharon Ramsey 43 years ago, I couldn't keep my hands off of her."

He further explains that if a partner isn't taking steps to progress the relationship, it signifies a lack of genuine commitment.

Dr. John Deloney [02:48]: "Behavior is a language. The reason you entered into a relationship is not to hold status quo. You entered into relationship to move the relationship forward and to grow."

Clarifying Tatiana's True Desires

Dave Ramsey prompts Tatiana to reflect on her personal desires, separate from her parents' expectations and her boyfriend's stance.

Dave [03:49]: "What do you want? Who cares?... What do you want?"

Tatiana responds by affirming her desire to marry and start a family but feels overwhelmed by her commitments in grad school and the long-distance nature of her relationship.

Tatiana [04:56]: "I definitely want to get married and I want to have kids. I want to start my family."

Addressing Potential Relationship Red Flags

Dr. John Deloney advises Tatiana to recognize that her boyfriend's lack of action may be an excuse to maintain the status quo. He urges her to define the relationship clearly to understand its trajectory.

Dr. John Deloney [07:24]: "It feels like it's leveled off, plateaued, stuck in status quo. We need to start moving towards something at some pace that we're both talking about."

Dave adds that acknowledging differing values and long-term happiness is crucial, even if it means ending a five-year relationship.

Dave [07:51]: "You're learning we don't have the same values. That's not gonna work long term. That's not gonna make Tatiana happy long term."

Applying Psychological Insights

Given Tatiana's background in psychology, Dr. John Deloney points out that while she understands the theories, applying them to her personal life can be challenging.

Dan Dr. John Deloney [06:03]: "The answer to your question that you called us about is in your psych book."

He reiterates the importance of recognizing unproductive behaviors as a form of communication, emphasizing that actions indicate true intentions.

Dr. John Deloney [06:12]: "Behavior is a language. And if you were the queen of his world, he would have already put a ring on it."

Conclusion and Final Advice

The hosts collectively advise Tatiana to prioritize her own desires and well-being. They suggest that a relationship should foster growth and alignment in values, and if these are absent, it may be time to consider ending the relationship despite the challenges.

Dave [07:24]: "You have your entire life still ahead of you. Finding someone that values and is in the similar mindset is going to just benefit you."

Dr. John Deloney [08:16]: "Behavior is a language. When someone will not get off the ladder and they will not paint, they need to choose paint or get off the ladder."

Key Takeaways

• Self-Reflection: Tatiana is encouraged to deeply assess her own desires separate from external pressures.
• Behavior Over Words: Actions in a relationship are more telling than verbal commitments.
• Alignment of Values: Long-term happiness depends on shared values and mutual growth.
• Courage to Act: It may be necessary to make difficult decisions for personal well-being and future happiness.

This episode offers valuable insights for listeners facing similar dilemmas in their relationships, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, mutual pursuit, and value alignment for a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

Transcript

[Dave]

Brought to you by chm, a biblically based alternative to health insurance. Learn [e-mail] budget I feel like I'm.

[Tatiana]

In a really bad situation right now. I have been dating my boyfriend for five years. My parents want me to give him an ultimatum, but I don't agree with that. So. Yeah, I just want some clarity. I don't really know what to do. I feel like I've been pretty stressed about the whole situation right now.

[Dave]

And the ultimatum is, I'm assuming marriage or not is what your parents are saying. Breakup or marriage kind of thing.

[Tatiana]

Correct.

[Dave]

And you don't want that ultimatum.

[Tatiana]

I do not. No. I don't agree with it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Why?

[Tatiana]

I just feel like it's more about me and what I want versus what is actually best for the relationship. Like, when I think about an ultimatum, I think about a spoiled child just telling mom and Dad, I need this, and I need it now. And it's just not what I want. Like, it's just not what I feel like it's. Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Well, putting them in a corner, I could see being like, oh, my gosh. I mean, they're, like, forcing you to marry me or something, and I want you to do it out of your own will. But also, you're in a relationship with someone for five years that hasn't moved forward, you know? So, like, that's odd, too, right?

[Tatiana]

Absolutely. I think, you know, that's what I think, that both sides have their points. Like, I do see where my parents are coming from, and I do agree with some of the things they say.

[Dave]

How old are you?

[Tatiana]

I am 27.

[Dave]

Okay. Your parents don't get a vote in your life. You know that, right? You're an adult.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How can we help stressing me?

[Tatiana]

I think I just need clarity to see what I could do. Like, so when I talk to my boyfriend about marriage. Right. I guess I just don't know what to think, to be honest, because I do see that both sides are right. So when I talk to my boyfriend about it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, it's not about. There's not a side here. Okay? There's. Tatiana is worth being pursued, and she's not being pursued.

[Tatiana]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When I Met Sharon Ramsey 43 years ago, I couldn't keep my hands off of her.

[Dave]

Okay. Jeez.

[Tatiana]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I closed the deal, man. I wasn't letting that one get away. Right. You're worth being pursued. Rachel's my daughter. She's embarrassed right now, but. Oh, well, she has no idea how she got here, apparently. So we're having A meltdown in the studio.

[Dave]

Tatiana, we're here. Tatiana, we're here for you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So here's the thing. Dr. John Deloney says that behavior is a language. What people say doesn't matter as much as what they do. And this guy needs to paint or get off the ladder. You're worth that. That's not you being a spoiled child. The reason you entered into a relationship is not to hold status quo. You entered into relationship to move the relationship forward and to grow, right?

[Tatiana]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it's not growing. It's frozen in time because he's scared or he's not, whatever. So I don't know that you have to give him an ultimatum, but I think you need to speak clearly to him as to. What was it, Rachel, y'all used to call it, like, when y'all were teenagers, like, define the relationship or something. We need to talk about where this is. Where this is going. Where's this going?

[Tatiana]

Yeah.

[Dave]

And, Tatiana, what do you want? That's my question to you. I mean, do you, like, what do you want? Who cares? You know, your parents are saying one thing. He's saying something. But, like, do you long to have a marriage with someone and start a family and live your life? I mean, if that's what, like, think about what you want, not what everyone else is going to perceive, what do you want?

[Tatiana]

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's, like, the main question, too. I have had conversations with him about it, like, where is this going? And I have been pretty clear. I think the hard part, and this is where I'm struggling, too, is because I am in grad school right now, and we have been long distance for this whole time because I have been in school and we also have an age gap, which none of this sounds great. I know you guys are probably thinking, this lady's crazy, but we're not yet.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I might get there, but not yet.

[Tatiana]

I think being in grad school and pursuing my PhD makes me feel like I'm just. I have so much to think about that I can't imagine having a child right now.

[Dave]

Oh, sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

We didn't ask you to have a kid. We're just talking about getting married.

[Dave]

Just.

[Tatiana]

No, no, say anything. For sure. I definitely want to get married and I want to have kids. I want to start my family. And I just feel like it's like right now I feel like I have so much going on. And I think that he says the same thing, and that's what worries me, that it could be an excuse. He has made it clear that like, not clear.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How old is he?

[Tatiana]

Talked about his. He isn't. I'm sorry, he's in his early 40s.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. And what's he make? What's his income?

[Tatiana]

Let's call him John.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, what does he make?

[Tatiana]

What does he make?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. What's his income?

[Tatiana]

I'm sorry, what was that?

[Dr. John Deloney]

What is his income? What does he make?

[Tatiana]

Like 80 to 100.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's he do for a living?

[Tatiana]

I don't want to say it, but it's. It's a government job.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, that's fine. Works for the government.

[Tatiana]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And what are you Studying for your PhD?

[Tatiana]

I am in a mental health. It's a. It's a psychology. It's a psychology program.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. The answer to your question that you called us about is in your psych book.

[Tatiana]

I know, and that's what, that's what makes me so upset because I'm like, I should know. I should know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And that is anything that's not growing is dying and behavior is a language. And if you were the queen of his world, he would have already put a ring on it, kiddo. So he needs to, you know, you want somebody's crazy about you that's pursuing you, don't you? That sounds so casual and so.

[Dave]

Well, that and sure. And the same values as, well, like that. That's the bottom line too. It's like, well, yeah, what do you value in life? And it may be different and that's really sad that, you know, it's. It would be an end of a five year relationship and for you, you started in your early 20s dating this guy, so. So it, it's a. It would be a big change for you and it would, you know, I mean, it's terrible and sad because you probably thought, oh my gosh, this is my life with him. But at the end of the day, you're learning we don't have the same values. And that's not gonna work long term. That's not gonna make Tatiana happy long term. I mean, you have your entire life still ahead of you. And finding someone that, that values and is in the similar, you know, mindset of how life is and relationships and all of that is going to just benefit you. And this isn't doing that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. I don't know that it's necessarily an ultimatum. We get married or we're done, but it does. There does need to be a. An ultimatum of. We need to get lined up on a trajectory here. This trajectory feels like it's leveled off, plateaued, stuck in status quo. Stuck in the ditch. And we need to start moving towards something at some pace that we're both talking about because that otherwise the behavior is. You are saying with your behavior, you don't want me.

[Dave]

Yes. And some of the caution to Tatiana from him or you is, I mean, when you talk about marriage, that's serious. And marriage doesn't just fix everything. So my question would also be, what else is going on in the relationship? You know, if there are other red flags? Because I think some people just feel like rushed into marriage because it's just what you do next. But you don't have to marry him, right? I mean, like, there is something to be said that maybe as you start digging into this, you're like, oh, wow, this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

If you're going to be a therapist, what would you tell you if they were on the other side of the desk, the other side of the couch? He would tell you the same thing we're telling you right now. Because you know what to do. You've already studied all this stuff. Now you've just got to apply it to your life. And the problem is it hurts because it might mean that this doesn't. That this isn't going to end well. It might. There's a. There's a risk of that. But the behavior is a language. When someone will not get off the ladder and they will not paint, they need to choose paint or get off the ladder, and that's what they need to do. And that behavior is a language. It's saying something to you. His words don't matter compared to his actions. Read the. The tea leaves and then, yeah, I'm going to define this relationship. Might not ultimatum it, but I would define it. You're worth that.

[Dave]

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