How Do I Monitor My Husband's Finances?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights – "How Do I Monitor My Husband's Finances?"

Episode Information:

• Title: How Do I Monitor My Husband's Finances?
• Host: Ramsey Network
• Release Date: March 16, 2025
• Duration: Under 10 minutes

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Introduction In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, host Dave Ramsey and guest Rachel Cruze address a listener’s pressing concern about trust and financial transparency within her marriage. Susie reaches out seeking guidance after discovering her husband has been independently moving their savings without her knowledge, leading to ongoing financial decisions made unilaterally.

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Listener's Dilemma: Trust Issues in Financial Management

Susie’s Concern: At 00:06, Susie shares her distressing situation:

"I want to know, how can I go on in the ways I can trust my husband? After he had moved all our savings without telling me, I discovered it. And he keeps on making financial decisions without telling me or asking me."

She further explains that her husband transferred their savings into another account with higher interest rates and some investments (00:35). Although they have discussed this once, it has recurred over the past two years, raising significant trust issues.

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Expert Advice: Rebuilding Trust and Financial Transparency

Rachel Cruze’s Initial Response: Rachel Cruze emphasizes the importance of addressing both emotional and financial aspects:

"You can't... ask yourself to find trust within yourself. And the person you're trying to trust continues to violate the trust... you have to lay it out there. Here's what must be true for me to trust you again" (01:03).

She outlines a step-by-step process to rebuild trust, highlighting that both partners must actively participate in this journey.

Creating Financial Transparency: At 02:15, Rachel advises Susie to:

"Have a spreadsheet that has every account on it and every password for every account... sit down with an investment professional... walk through your retirement accounts and how much money you have in those accounts."

This comprehensive approach ensures both spouses are fully aware of all financial standings, fostering transparency and accountability.

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Dave Ramsey Probes Deeper Marital Issues

Identifying Underlying Problems: Dave Ramsey delves into the possibility of deeper issues affecting their financial trust:

"Susie, what does he say his reasoning is for doing this without telling you when you find out... What does he say?" (02:39).

Susie admits that her husband blames her, stating:

"Because you did it. He's trying to put the guilt on me somehow" (02:49).

Dave further inquires about additional betrayals in the marriage (04:11), revealing that Susie’s husband has been involved in an emotional affair.

Rachel Cruze’s Insight on Red Flags: Rachel points out that such financial shuffling often signals more significant problems:

"It's just very rare for things to just be bopping along for 15 years... If you went in and did a forensic deep dive... you’re going to find stuff spent on flowers and hotel rooms" (03:56).

She underscores the importance of scrutinizing every financial movement to uncover potential deceit, such as unexplained expenditures that may indicate infidelity.

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Comprehensive Financial Assessment and Protective Measures

Actionable Steps: Rachel recommends Susie to:

• Pull Credit Reports: At 04:27, she advises:

  "Pull your credit report today to find out what loans have been taken out with your Social Security number, I would freeze my credit."

• Audit Financial Accounts:

  "Have a spreadsheet that has every account on it and what every password for every account is... ask him to do the same" (02:15).

These measures aim to prevent further financial manipulations and ensure both partners have equal access and oversight.

Establishing Regular Financial Meetings: At 08:18, Rachel emphasizes the importance of regular financial discussions:

"At some regular interval... sit down and say... here’s where everything is and here’s where we are."

Regular financial meetings foster mutual understanding and prevent future conflicts stemming from secrecy or mismanagement.

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Addressing the Root Cause: Marital Healing

Beyond Financial Issues: Dave Ramsey identifies that the core of the problem lies in the marital relationship:

"Usually with these types of situations... it's not a money thing. It's a marriage issue." (06:05).

He stresses that while financial transparency is crucial, healing the marital relationship is equally important to restore trust and collaboration.

Rachel Cruze on Emotional Support: Rachel adds that men should actively support their spouses by:

"At some regular interval... sit down and say... here’s where everything is and here’s where we are. That brings so much peace to your house" (08:18).

This cooperative approach helps in rebuilding emotional bonds alongside financial stability.

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Conclusion and Final Recommendations

Empowerment and Action: Dave Ramsey concludes by encouraging Susie to take control of her financial situation:

"Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life."

He reinforces the idea that financial empowerment is a step toward overall relationship healing.

Summary: This episode highlights the intricate link between financial management and marital trust. Experts Rachel Cruze and Dave Ramsey provide a roadmap for couples facing financial secrecy, emphasizing transparency, mutual participation, and addressing underlying relationship issues. By implementing comprehensive financial oversight and fostering open communication, couples can work towards rebuilding trust and ensuring a harmonious financial future.

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Notable Quotes:

• Susie at 00:06: "I want to know, how can I go on in the ways I can trust my husband?"
• Rachel Cruze at 01:03: "Here's what must be true for me to trust you again."
• Dave Ramsey at 02:49: "He's trying to put the guilt on me somehow."
• Rachel Cruze at 03:56: "It's just very rare for things to just be bopping along for 15 years."
• Rachel Cruze at 08:18: "At some regular interval... sit down and say... here’s where everything is and here’s where we are."

This structured and detailed summary encapsulates the key discussions, advice, and insights provided in the episode, making it a valuable resource for listeners seeking guidance on similar financial and relational challenges.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today.

[Susie]

So I want to know, how can I go on in the ways I can trust my husband? After he had moved all our savings without telling me, I discovered it. And he keeps on making financial decisions without telling me or asking me.

[Rachel Cruze]

Where do you take your. Where did he take your savings?

[Susie]

Well, he moved it to another account. And that. Well, part of it that has higher interest and some of it went into some investments. But, like.

[Dave Ramsey]

And what?

[Susie]

Not a concern. Because we kind of talked about it, but it's just not the only. In the last two years, not the only time that he did things and I discovered it and.

[Rachel Cruze]

Well, I guess there's two things here. One is you can't. Like you're asking yourself to do something. Like you're asking yourself to find trust within yourself. And the person you're trying to trust continues to violate the trust. And so if you want to reestablish trust, then you have to put down on. On the table, lay it out there. Here's what must be true for me to trust you again. And we're gonna have to. We're gonna have to practice and we're gonna have to go step by step to re. Establish trust. And then the other person has to participate.

[Susie]

Yeah. So, like, relationally, I know what to ask of him. Like, I wanna. I know, like, first you do this, this and this, and then we can, like, work together and, you know, so these steps.

[Rachel Cruze]

Would it make you think financially?

[Susie]

I don't know what to ask of him because I thought we had, like, a joint bank account. And it turns out, like, probably I don't know what a joint bank account is. And what, like, what I ask of. What should I ask of him to be sure that, you know, money doesn't disappear, like, all of a sudden that I have some.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. I mean, you need to have a spreadsheet that has every account on it and what every password for every account is, and your. You should both be sitting down with an investment professional, SmartVestor Pro, as we call them here, and they're walking both of you through your retirement accounts and how much money you have in those accounts. And you should know how much cash y'all have. I mean, all this stuff you should know.

[Dave Ramsey]

Susie, what does he say his reasoning is for doing this without telling you when you find out and you say, oh, my gosh, you moved the money, what does he say?

[Susie]

He. He. He couldn't explain it. Actually. He started saying, well, because you. Because you and I'm like, I stopped. Like, my mind shut off. I stopped even listening because, like. What do you mean, because you. You did it. You didn't. Like, he's saying, well, he's trying to put the guilt on me somehow.

[Rachel Cruze]

Well, the.

[Susie]

The worst thing is that for 15 years, like, money wasn't something that we ever had fights or. Or about.

[Dave Ramsey]

Did you ever talk about it in those 15 years? And you saw everything, you had access to everything, and you knew where everything was for 15 years?

[Susie]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

And there was no fines.

[Susie]

Say we would discuss it. Or sometimes, like, he'll say, I want to do this, or I did this. And I'm like, okay. So he always said, what's going on? And then he just.

[Rachel Cruze]

Is he in trouble? Is he making. Is he making. Is he struggling with gambling or is he seeing somebody else? Like, where's this money going?

[Susie]

I want to say that it's not going. I don't think he has problems with gambling, but. And he. I don't know actually what's going on, because this is like the last two years, there's been a series of betrayals.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay. So here's the thing. Here's what you need to do. Yeah, go ahead.

[Dave Ramsey]

Well, so there's been other betrayals, Susie, in your marriage?

[Susie]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay.

[Susie]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

On his. On his end or your end relationally?

[Susie]

What to ask. But then how do I make myself financial?

[Rachel Cruze]

Have you caught him having an affair?

[Susie]

He was in an emotional affair with somebody.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay. My guess is if there's missing money or suddenly money's getting moved around all over the place, that if you went in and did a forensic deep dive into that, and forensics just means you went and you went line by line to see what is stuff's being spent. You're going to find stuff spent on flowers and hotel rooms and things like that. It's just very rare for things to just be bopping along for 15 years. Everybody's on the same page, and then suddenly all the money gets moved and you don't know where it is. Some of it's getting spread out, all that kind of stuff. If I'm you or if you're my sister, you're my mom, I would tell you, pull your credit report today to find out what loans have been taken out with your Social Security number, I would freeze my credit. And then I would tell my husband, I, we're going to have a meeting with every single account, every dollar amount. I want to know what is in all of our retirement accounts. I want to know what's in all of our savings account, what's in our checking account, and an accounting for where all the cash actually is. And it's just going to be a sheet. And by the way, it's not hard to do. I've got one, my wife has one. And Rachel. It's pretty common that somebody just instantly gets into a mess. And I see it more and more online gambling over the last few years. Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

Usually when there's. Yes. When there's shuffling around like this. And then suddenly there was transparency. Now there's not transparency. There's a red flag that's something else.

[Rachel Cruze]

That'S the biggest waving on top of a mountain. Red flag.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Rachel Cruze]

Sorry, Susie.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. And I would say even from a relational standpoint, I don't feel like you guys have probably fully healed from that, obviously, because even the way he's speaking to you or what you told us, he's shifting the blame.

[Rachel Cruze]

The gas lights are burning brightly.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. I mean, seriously, like it's, it is pretty wild. So. Yeah, I would be. Yeah. I mean, it is so difficult because if it's not under your name, he could have a secret account that you never know about either, so.

[Rachel Cruze]

That's right.

[Dave Ramsey]

So there is a level of, of his transparency that he has to come forward as well. But you can pull things on in your name. If you know the banks you guys are banking at together, whatever name account that, or whatever account is in your name you will have access to, you will be able to see it. And then asking him to do the same, because I'll be curious as you do your digging on the side and he brings information. If his doesn't line up with what you even found right then, then there's another, you know, distrust there. But this is. Susie, usually with these types of situations, we always say around here, and it is true, it's at this point, it's not a, it's not a money thing. It's a marriage issue.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. Big time.

[Dave Ramsey]

Because of the marriage issues. It's coming out as this money issue. And so, yeah, I mean, you, you guys have, you have a road of healing. I mean, you really do. And if you guys want to.

[Rachel Cruze]

Well, you got a road of fact finding for, for the turnaround.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's fair. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Rachel Cruze]

Because you're not getting the full story.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. And. And that's really, really difficult and always scary. I'm like, that's the, it is the betrayal that's always so difficult. So difficult. So. Yeah, I'm sorry, Susie. Thanks for the call. I hope I Hope that helps. And I hope it does give you some empowerment to, to go and to look. And I think for some, you know, I'll say women who do allow the husbands just to basically do majority of everything when it comes to the money. This is one of the issues that we find because, because you do feel overwhelmed of like, oh my gosh, I don't, I don't even know where to start. Like, I don't even know what to look for or what to ask. Because you were saying that, Susie, I don't even know what to ask from a financial situation. So again, just to repeat and, and help you in this, I mean, it is asking checking accounts, it's asking savings accounts, high yield accounts, money market accounts, investments, retirement accounts. I mean any outstanding debts, any debts that are there. Yes. And what John said to pulling your credit report and seeing if any debts have been taken out. But that's, that's kind of, that those are like kind of the categories to walk through to ask him. And then for you to go in this investigative mode.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. And let me flip it on to the men out there. You are not helping your wife have any sort of peace in her life by saying, I've got it, I've got it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Right.

[Rachel Cruze]

At some regular interval, whether it's every month or every quarter, twice a year, once a year, sit down and say, and of course there's somebody who pushes the button and pays the bills or somebody who moves the money. I get that have some sort of, hey, just so we're on the same page, here's where everything is and here's where we are. That brings so much peace to your house and it keeps these nightmares from happening.

[Dave Ramsey]

Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.