How Do I Tell My Husband His Mom Is Holding Us Back Financially?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights

Episode: How Do I Tell My Husband His Mom Is Holding Us Back Financially?
Date: September 6, 2025
Hosts: Ramsey Network (George Kamel & Jade Warshaw)*
*Note: Exact hosts not explicitly named in content provided, but this is the regular rotation.

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into a listener's complex family/financial dilemma: a caller (B) grapples with her mother-in-law's ongoing financial dependence and wants advice on talking to her husband about the situation. The discussion uncovers deeply rooted family patterns, communication issues between spouses, and the emotional and practical implications of supporting an able-bodied parent.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Situation: Mother-In-Law’s Financial Dependence

• Caller (B) describes:
  • Mother-in-law, age 60, does not work.
  • They (B and her husband) pay her rent; the husband has her car in his name.
  • Mother-in-law frequently asks for money—sometimes secretly from B, asking not to tell her husband.
  • Past incident: Mother-in-law lost an apartment due to nonpayment, had to move in with a friend.
  • She receives about $1,000/month in disability. B does not know the specifics.
  • Mother-in-law volunteers (proving work capability), but doesn’t seek paid employment.

[01:26, host A]: “She’s on the verge of being in a homeless shelter. She needs to get to work.”

The Emotional and Ethical Conflict

• B’s Feelings:

  • Frustration at being the ‘middleman,’ especially as her mother-in-law tries to go around her husband for money.
  • Hesitancy to let mother-in-law babysit her newborn for $1,000/month; concerns about responsibility and trust.
  • Resentment about mother-in-law’s passivity—describes her as “lazy” (02:02).

• Hosts’ Analysis:

  • A triangulated, unhealthy dynamic—needs clearer boundaries:
    • The issue should be between B and her husband and, separately, between the husband and his mother.
    • Mother-in-law exploiting the spouses’ lack of unified approach.
    • B states she does not want to put any more money toward her mother-in-law (04:07).

[02:33, host A]: “There’s some triangulation happening here… Right now she’s trying to circumvent [your husband] to go to you, to try to guilt you into it.”

The Marriage & Finances

• Finances:

  • B makes over $100k/year; husband, about $7,000/month.
  • Their finances are kept separate, partially because the husband is the primary financial supporter of his mother.
  • Separate accounts have led to emotional division and complicate decision-making.

• Hosts’ Perspective:

  • This separation fuels rationalizations: husband justifies supporting his mom since it “doesn’t affect” B’s income directly.
  • Real issue: not financial strain, but growing resentment and misalignment in the marriage.

[06:13, host C]: “If I am viewing my finances kind of separately, that means there’s certain parts of my life that I believe I have the only vote on… I think that’s where he’s finding validation…”

Long-Term Concerns & Setting Boundaries

• Longevity worry:

  • Mother-in-law could live 30+ more years—how sustainable is ongoing support?
  • Fear that, by draining their resources, they’ll eventually burden their own children.

• Practical Advice:

  • Acknowledge mother-in-law is capable of work.
  • Don’t employ her for child care if trust is lacking (“That’s a moot point.” [03:07])
  • Propose an “exit strategy” for financial independence, e.g., helping her find work or an apartment.
  • Focus couple conversations on shared goals and boundaries, not the dollar amount.

[07:18, host A]: “She’s 60, she’s not 86… There’s nothing wrong with her going to work if she’s able bodied… What is something you could do that brings in $250 a week?”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Mother-in-law’s capability:

  [02:02, B]: “She’s just… yeah, and she’s really—that’s how I feel exactly, she’s really lazy.”

• On financial separation enabling the issue:

  [06:13, host C]: “I think that could be at the core of what’s making this a very hard decision between you and your husband…”

• On the deeper issue:

  [06:38, host A]: “It’s the resentment that is breeding inside of you that should be the thing you’re paying attention to...”

• On action steps and boundaries:

  [07:36, host C]: “The first action step is you need to do some soul searching about why you’ve kept things separate financially... I think the mother-in-law discussion comes further down the line.”

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Important Timestamps

• [00:11] Caller introduces the question and details about mother-in-law.
• [01:26] Host expresses need for mother-in-law to work.
• [02:33] Host diagnoses triangulation in family dynamic.
• [03:07] Discussion about child care arrangement and trust.
• [04:07] Caller identifies she no longer wants to financially support mother-in-law.
• [06:13] In-depth analysis of how separate finances hinder unified marital decisions.
• [07:18] Practical discussion about helping mother-in-law gain independence.
• [07:36] Recommended action steps for the caller.

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Recommendations from the Hosts

• Examine financial separation:
  • Reflect on why finances are kept apart and how that dynamic affects trust and teamwork as a couple.
• Prioritize marital unity:
  • Unify financial strategy before addressing the mother-in-law’s situation.
• Set boundaries:
  • Clearly define when and how support for the mother-in-law might end.
  • Don’t outsource child care to someone you don’t trust, even for savings.
• Foster independence:
  • Help the mother-in-law identify ways she can earn her own living.

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Conclusion

This episode highlights that financial disagreements with in-laws are often less about the money and more about boundaries, communication, and unity in marriage. The hosts encourage the caller to focus first on strengthening her marital partnership and financial unity, which will provide a solid foundation for dealing with dependent relatives now and in the future.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

So my question is, how do I tell my mother in law or my husband that my mother in law is holding us back financially? She's 60 years old. She doesn't work. We pretty much pay for everything. Her rent. My husband has her car in his name, but she pays like the car note. And she's constantly asking for money. Like at one point she was asking me for money and telling me not to tell my husband.

[A]

Yikes. Well, this is a pattern. This has been happening for a long time.

[B]

Yes. And he's in the past. Maybe about 10 years ago, she actually lost her apartment. Like, stop paying rent. Lost it and then had to move in with a friend. And so he's been taking care of her.

[C]

Is she unwell? Is she sick?

[B]

She's not sick. She does collect, like a check from the government. I think it's only $1,000.

[C]

Disability.

[B]

Yeah, disability. What.

[C]

Do you know what that was for? What's the nature of that?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Okay, but nothing that you're seeing as a real issue to her work.

[B]

No, because I've seen her volunteer her time at like, homeless shelters or like, thrift stores and she'll tell me, oh, I volunteered my time and they gave me a discount on X, Y and Z.

[A]

She's on the verge of being in a homeless shelter. She needs to get to work.

[C]

Is she divorced or did her husband pass away? What's the story there?

[B]

She divorced maybe when my husband was like, not even one.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

She's been on her own with two kids for a long time.

[C]

So your estimation of. I just want to make sure that George and I understand your estimation of her. She is able bodied, able to work.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

She's all the lights on her on upstairs, so she could, you know, go interact and have a job. And are you just feeling like she's kind of just coasting or a little. Little lazy? Is that how you're feeling?

[B]

She's just. Yeah. And she's really. That's how I feel. Exactly. She's really lazy. Right now I have a newborn and I have her in daycare and they want me to switch and employ her for and give her the $1,000 instead of the daycare. But I feel like if I do that, she's gonna just use the $1,000 for whatever she wants instead of paying her rent.

[C]

Ah, okay. Would she do a good job taking Care of the baby. Do you feel like she would?

[B]

No, I don't feel like she would.

[C]

Okay, understood.

[A]

There's some triangulation happening here. This should be between you and your husband, and then it should be between your husband and his mother. And right now she's trying to circumvent him to go to you to try to guilt you into it. Have you talked to your husband about this? Where is he at? Is he just like, well, we need to take care of her and she's my mom.

[B]

Exactly. That's how he feels. And I've even told him like, hey, you know, I would, like, given it. I would give her the opportunity to watch my daughter if I could just use the $1,000 and pay it straight to her rent and.

[C]

But you said you didn't even trust her to watch the baby. I feel like that's a moot point at this point.

[B]

That's true. Yeah.

[C]

So we got to take that off the table. Here's the thing. The only reason you're considering letting this woman watch your. Your child, even though you don't think that she's really would be. Do a good job, is because you're thinking of ways that maybe she could start paying her rent. None of that's your job. She's grown. Like you said, she's grown, she's able bodied. She's, you know, the lights are on. There's no reason in your mind, and I trust that you're telling us the truth, that she can't go out and make some money and have an apartment and, you know, do that thing now. At the very least, can I ask you this? Let's pretend you were able to get her out into an apartment. Is. And. And it caused you to kind of say, hey, let's help you with first and last month's rent just to get you out. Would you be willing to do something like that? Or are you like, hey, I don't want to put any money into this woman whatsoever. I just want her out of the house.

[B]

I don't want to put any money into her at all.

[C]

Okay, then that's the conversation you have to have with your husband. Have you talked about it? And if so, what it is? What did it. How did it go?

[B]

It doesn't go really well. It's usually like, Jill will just consider it and then that's the end of the conversation. I have told him that, like, I do consider it, but it's off the table because she owes me money. She's borrowed money from me, and I Don't think she's very good with money. And so I just. I don't want. I don't feel comfortable giving her a thousand dollars a month and knowing that you could be homeless or asking me for more money.

[A]

What do you guys take home every month?

[B]

So I make a hundred thousand. So a little over a hundred thousand. So my checks are usually like $3000. I don't give to my 401k right now.

[C]

Why is your check so low?

[A]

You mean like every two weeks?

[B]

Every two weeks.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Great. Loving that.

[A]

You scared us. I was like, you're getting robbed here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

6,000. And it's, like, around your husband. 7,000.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

For him.

[C]

Do you guys combine your finances or do you kind of keep it separate and, you know, you split the bills?

[B]

We keep it separate mainly because she usually asks for a lot of money from him. And so I just don't want to be a part of that.

[C]

So I'm going to be honest with you. I think that could be at the core of what's making this a very hard decision between you and your husband. Because if I am viewing my finances kind of separately, which means there's parts of my life that I view separate, and that means there's certain parts of my life that I believe that I have the only vote on. Then if somebody comes along and says, hey, there's this thing that's affecting our life. If I'm thinking, well, I'm the one that's paying for it. She's my mom. Do you see what I'm saying? Because there's that separation there. I think that's where he's finding validation to be able to say, no, it's okay. I'm going to keep her here. Because he's probably viewing it as a. I'm keeping it here. I'm fine to spend some money on her. It doesn't bother me. But if you guys can get. Does that make sense? Like, George, are you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, because it's separated. He's gone. Well, this is a thousand bucks of my money, so what's it matter to you? That's probably in the back of his mind. I don't know that he'd say that out loud, but truthfully, you're saying this is holding us back financially. It's not. You make 13 grand a month. Take home. You're doing great. It's the resentment that is breeding inside of you that should be the thing you're paying attention to, going, I don't agree with this. We never agreed on this. As a couple, we need to figure out an exit strategy here or a way for he for her to be independent because she could live till 90 which means 30 years of subsidizing her lifestyle. That's the part you need to focus on, not the hey, this is holding us back financially husband because he mathematically he's gonna go, no, it's, we're fine.

[B]

Yeah. And that's how I feel. I'm like we are investing so much money into her. She could live until she's 90 and then our kids will have to take care of us. And it's your house so much like Exactly.

[C]

The money side part part aside, that's there's a person that's in your house that you don't really want them to be there and they don't need to be there.

[A]

And if you're giving her a thousand a month, we can figure out a plan for her to go make a thousand a month with a part time job.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

She's 60, she's not 86. And so there's nothing wrong with her going to work if she's able bodied and you can help her with that. It doesn't need to be cruel. You don't need to throw her on the street. Just hey, what is something you could do that brings in $250 a week.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Now we have a game plan here. Instead of just being emotional.

[C]

Yeah. So I think the, I think the action steps here, I think the first conversation you need to have is one, well I think first action step is you need to do some soul searching about why you've kept things separate financially and really get a hold on what your view on that is. Sarah. Then the next part is having that conversation with first about hey, we need to, our lives are separate. We need to draw our lives together. And I think that that might start financially with us having this transparency there. And I think the mother in law discussion comes further down the line and you might have to bear this out a little bit longer until you're at that point in the conversation.

[A]

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