How Do I Trust My Boyfriend Will Stay Out Of Debt?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights

Episode: How Do I Trust My Boyfriend Will Stay Out Of Debt?

Date: November 1, 2025
Host: Dave Ramsey, Rachel Cruze
Guest Caller: Brittany

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Overview

This episode centers around Brittany, a listener concerned about trusting her boyfriend with financial responsibility due to past relationship trauma. She seeks guidance on how to move forward without letting previous negative experiences dictate her current relationship. Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze discuss issues of trust, integrity, financial behavior, and practical steps couples can take to build transparency and security in their finances and relationship.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Brittany’s Background and Concern

• Brittany shares that she’s been with her boyfriend for a year and a half and they discuss finances regularly (00:06).
• She has past experience where her spouse misrepresented their financial habits, leading to trust issues and eventually divorce (00:27).
• Brittany’s main question: “How do I trust my boyfriend will stay out of debt, or that what we’ve discussed about money will still be true after marriage?” (00:47).

Addressing Wounds from Past Relationships

• Dave Ramsey: Points out that previous betrayal was a matter of integrity, not just spending:

  “So you married a man without integrity. And it probably that lack of integrity bled into other areas, which is actually why you got the divorce, right?” (00:34)

• Dave stresses the importance of discerning a partner’s character and not projecting old wounds on a new relationship, but balancing this with wisdom (01:26–02:14).
• Suggests additional support: “Sit down and talk to your counselor, your pastor about your wounds, which are valid wounds... I don’t want to superimpose the other jerk on the new guy.” (01:59–02:19)

Integrity Over Perfection

• Dave underscores choosing a partner “of integrity”—someone reliably themselves—rather than someone “perfect.” (01:27)
• “You need to date long enough that you are sure of his character.” (01:59)

Open Communication

• Brittany mentions: “We talk about [money] every day.”
• Dave jokes: “He’s probably sick of it.” (02:32)

The Boyfriend’s Financial Status

• Rachel Cruze asks directly: “So is he in debt now?” (03:06; repeated at 02:35)
• Brittany reveals her boyfriend “is not a lot—he’s got probably $20,000 to $30,000 in debt. I have none...”—but that he is not aggressively paying it off, although he has paid down a significant amount before (03:08–03:23).
• Rachel clarifies: “So you think in another year he could be completely debt free?” Brittany replies: “Yes... he could be debt free in the next six months if he wanted to.” (03:31–03:36)
• Dave's assessment: “He seems to be trending in a debt free direction. His behavior is there. It’s not just giving it mouth service. He’s actually doing it.” (03:38–03:53)

Should Engagement Wait Until Debt-Free?

• Brittany asks if it’s unwise to wait for engagement until he's debt-free (03:53).
• Dave:

  “No, I would not base my engagement on debt free. I would base my engagement on his pattern of behavior.” (04:06)

• Further emphasizes: “If you have to put out an ultimatum, I don’t know, in order to earn my hand, you will have ... that’s a little much.” (04:12–04:15)

Patterns vs. Perfection

• Dave and Rachel caution against making debt status the sole metric for relationship progress, emphasizing adult behavior and responsible decision-making (04:40–04:54):

  “We do tell them to wait on those things based on how they’re treating their debt. Are you being a freaking adult and addressing the issue, or are you still being a baby child?” —Dave Ramsey (04:42)

Navigating Trust After Financial Betrayal

• Dave shares a personal story about rebuilding trust with his wife after his bankruptcy:

  “I still, as a loving husband to this day, need to be aware that there is a wound when it comes to security around the issue of money with Sharon Ramsey.” (05:36)

• He calls for ongoing sensitivity:

  “You just need to be aware of each other’s wounded spots and go, why would we go there?” (06:55)

Transparency and Safeguards

• Rachel advises proactive transparency for couples:

  “There’s tactical things you can do once you’re married, like combining your bank account...doing that budget together, freezing your credit so that no one can go just take out a loan...If he goes and takes out debt behind your back, well, clearly there’s a very clear violation of trust here.” (07:48)

• Dave adds weight: “In this case, were he to do that, knowing that she has this sensitive spot, this is more than just a violation of trust.” (08:09)
• Rachel sums up: “That’s game over.” (08:21)

The Universal Nature of Money Baggage

• Dave notes this is a common issue for second marriages or anyone burned previously by money problems:

  “Money problems, money fights, number one cause of divorce in North America.” (08:56)

• Rachel: “A lot of people have that baggage from previous relationships, whether it’s family or a loved one, a marriage. And it takes a long time to heal from that and to trust again.” (09:07)

Building Trust—Concrete Steps

• Both hosts reinforce the importance of joint budgeting and financial transparency:

  “When there’s no money being spent that you’re not aware of and have agreed to, that makes trust really easy. And that’s called a budget...” —Dave Ramsey (09:33)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dave Ramsey (on character vs. guarantees):

  “You can’t be sure of that, except as sure as you are of the man’s character.” (01:27)

• Rachel Cruze (on trust):

  “It takes a long time to build the trust and you can destroy it in a second.” (07:14)

• Dave Ramsey (on sensitive spots):

  “It’s not unfair to ask me to be aware that she has that sensitive spot. Right. As a matter of fact, that’s just how you live together if you’re married.” (07:21)

• Rachel Cruze:

  “And if he goes and takes out debt behind your back, well, clearly there’s a very clear violation of trust here... that’s game over.” (07:48, 08:21)

• Dave Ramsey (relating Brittany’s experience to a broader audience):

  “I wanted to spend a minute on her question, because it’s not just for her. It’s for, you know, out of the 40 million people out there listening, it’s probably a couple more just like her.” (09:01)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:06–01:06: Brittany sets the stage with her question about trust and money in relationships.
• 01:26–02:19: Discussion on integrity and balancing wisdom from past wounds.
• 03:06–03:36: Deep dive into the boyfriend’s debt status and progress.
• 04:06–04:40: Should marriage/waiting hinge on being debt-free?
• 05:36–06:55: Dave’s personal story of rebuilding financial trust in marriage.
• 07:48–08:21: Rachel and Dave outline practical trust/building steps and boundaries.
• 08:56–09:33: Discussion about money baggage and universal lessons for listeners.

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Advice and Takeaways

• Choose a partner with integrity.
• Base relationship decisions on patterns of behavior, not financial perfection.
• Communicate honestly about past wounds and current fears.
• Work together towards financial transparency: combine bank accounts, budget together, protect credit.
• Healing takes time—trust is earned gradually and needs care, especially after past betrayal.
• Money issues are a common source of relationship stress, so be proactive, not reactive.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Brittany]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We've talked about finances upside down and sideways. But from my past experience, a lot of relationships say they're on the same page with finances, and then once they get married, one of them go and end up being a bigger spender than they originally led on to be.

[Dave Ramsey]

So your past experience, you've been married before?

[Brittany]

I have been, yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

And that's what happened before?

[Brittany]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

So you married a man without integrity.

[Brittany]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

And it probably that lack of integrity bled into other areas, which is actually why you got the divorce, right?

[Brittany]

Yes, absolutely.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay, go ahead. I'm sorry.

[Brittany]

So I guess my question is, I trust my boyfriend, but how do I. Like, I don't know. I guess I'm terrified that we will get married and then it won't be everything we talked about. But I know it's just my past experiences that are making me.

[Dave Ramsey]

I think we talked about it a minute ago, in a sense. And for me, looking at it, I think it's wisdom to ask the question. Because you got burned before. Right?

[Brittany]

Right.

[Dave Ramsey]

But there's not. The only way to guard against it is to marry a guy of integrity.

[Brittany]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. And I didn't say he was Jesus, and I didn't say he was perfect. I just said he had integrity. Meaning he is who he is. Who he is who he is. I mean, it's kind of like saying, okay, how do I ensure that my boyfriend won't call his old girlfriend after he's my husband because he's a person of integrity and I would kill him. And, you know, both. And, you know, but, I mean, you can't. You can't be sure of that, except as sure as you are of the man's character.

[Brittany]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

And so you need to date long enough that you are sure of his character, and you probably sit down and talk to your counselor, your pastor about your wounds, which are valid wounds, and go, okay, I don't want to. I don't want to superimpose the other jerk on the new guy. That's not fair. But I also want to be wise and not let that happen again. So how do I balance those two things? And, you know, and for me, I'm just going to be talking to your new boyfriend a lot about that if I'm you.

[Brittany]

Okay. We talk about it, like, every day.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. He's probably sick of it. Yeah. Yeah.

[Rachel Cruze]

So is he in debt now?

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Brittany]

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[Dave Ramsey]

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[Brittany]

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[Dave Ramsey]

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[Rachel Cruze]

So is he in debt now?

[Brittany]

He is not a lot. He's got probably 20 to 30 thousand dollars in debt. I have none, but I also make no money to be in debt, so.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay. And is he actively trying to get out?

[Brittany]

He is aggressively, no.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay.

[Brittany]

He still spends, but he is working towards it. I know he's paid off probably 20 to 30,000 in the past.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay, so you think in another year he could be completely debt free?

[Brittany]

Yes.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay.

[Brittany]

He could be debt free in the next six months if he wanted to.

[Dave Ramsey]

Be so independent of you whether you were there or not. He seems to be trending in a debt free direction. His behavior is there. It's not just giving it mouth service. He's actually doing it.

[Brittany]

Yes. So I guess my next question is, is it stupid to wait until he's debt free for us to make the next step of getting engaged? I know you always say that. Just put everything together and pay off the debt together.

[Dave Ramsey]

No, I would not. I would not base my engagement on debt free. I would base my engagement on his pattern of behavior.

[Brittany]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

If he's going in the right direction and you're comfortable with his character and this is who you want to spend your life with, then spend your life with him. I'm not. You know, if you have to put out a ultimatum, I don't know, in order to earn my hand, you will have. That's a little much. Yeah, I'm not doing it.

[Rachel Cruze]

How long have you guys been together?

[Dave Ramsey]

A year and a half.

[Brittany]

A year and a half.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay, so this is still progressing toward an engagement? Maybe in the next year.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. We don't tell people to wait to get married or have babies based on their debt. We do tell them to wait on those things based on how they're treating their debt. Are you being a freaking adult and addressing the issue or are you still being a baby child?

[Brittany]

Right, he's definitely addressing it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, he's doing it. Everything you've described about the guy is solid versus the last guy. And so. But it's fair to say you got burned. And so I've got This spot. And man, you just really. I'm gonna be super sensitive about this subject because I got burned before. And so, dude, you're gonna have to be super diligent to stay on the path.

[Rachel Cruze]

I'd share your fears and feelings with him and say, listen, this has happened in the past. I don't want to project this onto you, but I want you to know this is how I'm feeling. And if I'm him now, I'm going to be real sensitive and probably more aggressive to getting out of debt so that you feel like, man, he's going to provide, he's not going to be making dumb financial decisions that move us backward.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, Brittany, I'll give you an example, okay? We went broke. We had a brand new baby, a toddler, and a marriage hanging on by a thread. My wife was terrorized by our water being cut off, our lights being cut off, and me filing bankruptcy. She was in a constant state of fear. That was 30 plus years ago. I still, as a loving husband to this day, need to be aware that there is a wound when it comes to security around the issue of money With Sharon Ramsey. She's not a walking wounded warrior. And the wound has healed progressively over the 30 years. And my behaviors for 30 years have been different than the get rich quick moron that went broke. Okay? So I've earned the right of trust. But I, as an act of love towards her, need to remember that if I even walk near the drawer where the emergency fund is kept, where the little file so we can get to the emergency, if I even near walk near the drawer, like I'm going to use that for something else, it puts her in a way different state of mind. And I need to keep that in mind in how I interact with her. This guy needs to keep in mind that you got burned before and you've got this sensitive place and it'll be less sensitive as time goes along. But you just need to be aware of each other's wounded spots and go, why would we go there? And so I'm just real aware Sharon needs to be reminded that we're okay.

[Rachel Cruze]

And you earn it every day by continuing that same pattern of integrity. And the crazy part is it takes a long time to build the trust and you can destroy it in a second.

[Dave Ramsey]

But even then, it's not unfair to me to. Even though I've rebuilt the trust and a pattern's been for 30 plus years. Right? It's. It's not unfair to ask me to be aware that she has that sensitive Spot. Right. As a matter of fact, that's just how you live together if you're married. And so that's fair. It's fair, Brittany, for him to be aware of this. It's not an invalid feeling, not an invalid concern.

[Rachel Cruze]

And there's tactical things you can do once you're married, like combining your bank account so you both have transparency into what's going on financially, doing that budget together, freezing your credit so that no one can go just take out a loan willy nilly. And if he goes and takes out debt behind your back, well, clearly there's a very clear violation of trust here. And so that's your biggest fear. And I think there's things we can do before then.

[Dave Ramsey]

And I guess my point is, in this case, were he to do that, knowing that she has this sensitive spot, this is more than just a violation of trust. This is like saying, I don't really want to be here. Yeah, you're like, you're. You're.

[Rachel Cruze]

That's game over.

[Dave Ramsey]

You're shooting. You're shooting the debt. I mean, you're shooting the cow. It's over, man. It's just dumb. So you go, you know, knowing that she's got that spot. So it's quite the opposite way to approach it. So it's a good question, Brittany. Thank you for bringing it up. And it's a pretty standard thing if you have been down the, you know, you're going into a second marriage relationship, if the first one had some kind of money problems, which, by the way, money problems, money fights, number one, cause of divorce in North America. So if you went through a divorce, high probability that there's a money issue in there. And. And then you take that to the next relationship. And how do I deal with that and not have that happen again? That's why I wanted to spend a minute on her question, because it's not just for her. It's for, you know, out of the 40 million people out there listening, it's probably a couple more just like her.

[Rachel Cruze]

A lot of people have that baggage from previous relationships, whether it's family or a loved one, a marriage. And it takes a long time to heal from that and to trust again. And at any moment, you're like, you're going, my body's saying, this could be broken. This could be broken. Alert, alert. And so it takes time, like you said, to get away from that and to heal from that. And hopefully over time, you guys build the right habits. You do the things we teach, combine bank accounts, get on a budget and that'll sort of disappear into the back of your mind.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. When there's no money being spent that you're not aware of and have agreed to, that makes trust really easy. And that's called a budget. That's called doing your every dollar budget together as a couple when you're married. Create your free everydollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.