How Much "Say" Does My New Wife Have?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights – "How Much 'Say' Does My New Wife Have?"

Episode Overview In the December 13, 2024 episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, hosted by the Ramsey Network, listeners delve into a pressing marital dilemma presented by Matthew, an upcoming groom grappling with the balance of decision-making authority between himself and his new wife. The episode, lasting approximately five minutes, offers valuable insights from experts Ken Coleman and Stacy, addressing the complexities of blending families, especially when children are involved.

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Caller’s Dilemma: Balancing Marriage and Fatherhood

Matthew’s Concerns
Matthew initiates the conversation by expressing anxiety about his impending marriage, specifically regarding how much influence his new wife will have in their shared life, particularly in matters involving his children.
“I'm supposed to get married here in a couple weeks. But yikes. Kinda. And it has mainly to do with kids. I've got kids. And how my new wife interacts.” [00:02-00:11]

He elaborates on his struggles with decision-making, especially when it pertains to financial expenditures for his children versus personal or shared desires.
“I raise my kids, spend money on my kids and that type of thing because it's really. I'm really kind of struggling with it.” [00:18-00:25]

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Hosts’ Analysis: Prioritizing Marriage and Open Communication

Ken’s Initial Response
Ken Coleman, along with his colleague Stacy, quickly assess Matthew’s situation, emphasizing the importance of addressing these concerns before marriage.
“I would just say this. I. This needs to be settled in premarital counseling status.” [01:18-01:23]

They explore the dynamics of Matthew's relationship, noting the duration of the engagement and existing tensions related to his children's independence and financial responsibilities.
“How long have you two been dating?” [00:38]
“Two years.” [00:49-00:50]
“There’s enough [tension].” [01:11-01:12]

Stacy’s Insights on Family Integration
Stacy highlights the complexities of merging families, especially when children from previous relationships are involved. She underscores that marriage should take precedence, followed by the integration of each partner’s children.
“Typically when you get married, it's the marriage first. And then it's the kids.” [01:53-02:06]

Addressing Priorities and Communication
Both hosts stress the necessity of premarital counseling to navigate these challenges effectively. They advocate for open discussions about financial priorities, familial responsibilities, and the expectations each partner has regarding childcare and financial support for the children.
“You've got to invest time and money into premarital counseling to sit with a professional therapist and get this stuff out on the table.” [02:07-02:20]

Dealing with Specific Concerns
Matthew shares specific worries, such as the financial implications of potentially supporting his children’s higher education versus spending on shared experiences like vacations.
“Are you going to pay for their master's degrees too, instead of us going to Hawaii for vacation?” [03:35-03:40]

Ken and Stacy respond by reinforcing the importance of prioritizing the marriage and setting clear financial boundaries and expectations. They humorously suggest prioritizing marital goals over extended financial support for the children at this juncture.
“The kids can pay for their master's degree. Go with mama to Hawaii, man.” [05:06-05:27]

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Matthew on His Struggle:
  “I'm really kind of struggling with it.” [00:25]

• Stacy on Marriage Prioritization:
  “Typically when you get married, it's the marriage first. And then it's the kids.” [01:53-02:06]

• Ken on Premarital Counseling:
  “You've got to invest time and money into premarital counseling to sit with a professional therapist and get this stuff out on the table.” [02:07-02:20]

• Matthew on Financial Concerns:
  “Are you going to pay for their master's degrees too, instead of us going to Hawaii for vacation?” [03:35-03:40]

• Ken’s Humorous Advice:
  “The kids can pay for their master's degree. Go with mama to Hawaii, man.” [05:06-05:27]

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Conclusion: Emphasizing Proactive Communication and Counseling

The episode concludes with Ken and Stacy reinforcing the critical need for proactive communication and professional guidance before entering into marriage, especially when children are involved from previous relationships. They underscore that addressing these issues head-on through premarital counseling can lay a solid foundation for a harmonious and financially stable marriage.

Listeners are encouraged to utilize tools like the EveryDollar app for budgeting and to seek professional counseling to navigate the complexities of blended families and financial responsibilities. The overarching message emphasizes that while love and commitment are paramount, aligning on financial and familial priorities is essential for long-term marital success.

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Key Takeaways

1. Prioritize Marriage Over Children: In a marital relationship, the partnership should take precedence, followed by the integration of each partner’s children.

2. Invest in Premarital Counseling: Addressing potential conflicts and establishing clear financial and familial expectations before marriage can prevent future tensions.

3. Open Communication: Honest discussions about financial priorities, such as funding children’s education versus shared experiences, are crucial for a harmonious relationship.

4. Seek Professional Guidance: Engaging with a therapist or counselor can provide valuable strategies for blending families and managing financial responsibilities effectively.

By addressing these areas proactively, couples can foster a strong, unified partnership that honors both their relationship and their responsibilities as parents.

Transcript

[Matthew]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. I'm supposed to get married here in a couple weeks.

[Ken]

Congrats.

[Matthew]

Thanks there. But yikes. Kinda. And it has mainly to do with kids. I've got kids. And how my new wife interacts. I guess the question being how much does my new wife have? Say so into hell. I raise my kids, spend money on my kids and that type of thing because it's really. I'm really kind of struggling with it.

[Ken]

All right, real quick question because I. My colleague is loaded up, ready to go. I want to know this. How long have you two been dating?

[Matthew]

Two years.

[Ken]

Two years. And in the two years, has there been moments of tension based on her maybe stepping into some situations that the kids weren't really cool with or you weren't cool with, or there have been some comments? I'm just giving you what I mean when I say moments is have there been several moments of tension that lead to this concern?

[Matthew]

There's enough.

[Ken]

I knew the answer. Yeah, my friend.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Ken]

I would just say this. I. This needs to be settled in premarital counseling status.

[Stacy]

How old are the kids immediately?

[Matthew]

They're not young. And so I got two in college. I have one. It's a teenager.

[Ken]

Well, the two in college, that's a non factor. She doesn't get to say anything about that.

[Stacy]

And how old's the teenager?

[Matthew]

She's 16. But for example, like when the subject comes up and I don't like saying this, I know it's probably wrong, but I say I'm a. I'm a dad first. If you make me choose. Is that a wrong thing to say?

[Ken]

Yes.

[Stacy]

Yeah. Because you're. You're treating it like she's expendable. And technically. Now, I know this is different and I am going to step lightly on this, but typically when you get married, it's the marriage first.

[Ken]

That's why I said what I said.

[Stacy]

And then it's the kids. Now, also, traditionally, the person you're married to is the person you've had children with. So it's easier to make that statement. And I want to hang out there. It is easier to make that statement when that's the case. In your case, I don't think it makes it any less true, but I think it makes it more difficult to stand on that.

[Ken]

I agree. I agree. I'm going to default to. You called us because you've got some real fear and I'm glad you called us. If for no other reason than I'm Telling you, as a guy who went through premarital counseling, and I've been married 26 years, long enough to know that had Stacy and I not been on the same page about the major things, I don't know that we're here.

[Stacy]

Same, same.

[Ken]

Do you know? And so I'm just saying that, Matthew, you need to invest time and money into premarital counseling to sit with a professional therapist and get this stuff out on the table. Like, you've got to say, she has created this tension here. I feel like she stepped over here. She needs to be able to say, I didn't like it when you said, I'm a dad first. Like, we gotta get this all out before we lock in.

[Stacy]

And then there's the kids side of this, too.

[Ken]

There is the kids side of it, but they gotta solve it between the two of them first. You gotta know what life is going to look like day one. Now we manage those decisions after that.

[Matthew]

She's nice to my kids. That's not it. But we're kind of different when things come up. Like, well, I go. She's like, well, if they're 22, they're going to be on their own. Like, well, yeah, but I sure hope so. But what if something happens and they need to move back in? You know, that kind of thing again? Those. Those things come up. Or do you. Are you. Are you going to pay for their master's degrees too, instead of us going to Hawaii for vacation? Those. It sound like, Wait a minute.

[Stacy]

So, yeah, she's got to realize that there's a whole life here and there's other people she's marrying. She's marrying the. Into the family, not just you. And that's the case with anybody you marry into the family. You marry into the situation, whatever it is. So I think that you guys. Ken is right. There's a lot that must be discussed before this happens.

[Matthew]

And Matthew, look, I got two dreams.

[Ken]

Oh, wow. Okay. You know what? Is this a big. Is this a big fancy wedding when we got a lot of people coming and a lot of money being spent?

[Matthew]

No, but I can't. I can't move it. It's not moving.

[Stacy]

So you know what?

[Ken]

I appreciate Matthew. He's going, Listen, Ken, I know where you're going, pal. I don't want to walk down that path.

[Stacy]

I would.

[Ken]

I would. I press pause.

[Stacy]

I would. Because what I don't want. I would never want you to feel like you don't have a choice or like once the wheels in. Are in motion, you can't you know, put a wood stick in it and grind it to a hole. You can. You have choices still. You have a lot less choices once you say I do.

[Ken]

I agree. I. I'd get a session in at least and talk about these majors. I really would before the wedding. But can I also say that if she says, hey, are you going to pay for their master's degree or are we going to go to Hawaii? The answer is where is my grass skirt? That's what the answer is. The kids can pay for their master's degree. Go with mama to Hawaii, man.

[Stacy]

Aloha.

[Ken]

Come on.

[Stacy]

I thought you were going in a different direction with master.

[Ken]

Kids need to pay for their own masters.

[Stacy]

I'm glad you do. I'm glad.

[Ken]

This is the Ramsey Show. Create your free every dollar budget today.

[Matthew]

The simplest way to budget for your life.