Husband Spent Our Retirement Behind My Back

Summary

Summary of "Husband Spent Our Retirement Behind My Back" – The Ramsey Show Highlights

Release Date: January 29, 2025

Introduction

In the episode titled "Husband Spent Our Retirement Behind My Back," The Ramsey Show Highlights delves into the tumultuous financial and relational struggles faced by Beth, a 62-year-old woman who recently uncovered devastating secrets about her husband's financial management. Hosted by the Ramsey Network and featuring insights from financial experts, the episode offers a comprehensive look into the complexities of marital finances, trust, and the importance of transparent money management.

Beth’s Long-Term Marriage and Financial Division

Beth has been married for almost three decades. Throughout their marriage, she managed the household and children, while her husband handled all financial matters. This division of labor seemed effective for many years, but underlying issues remained unresolved.

"After we had children, sort of the division of labor, if you will, was I took care of everything but the finances. I took the household, the children, everything. And he was paid the bills and has done that all of these years." – Beth [00:11]

The Unraveling of Financial Stability

Recently, Beth discovered alarming financial truths about her husband's mismanagement. Her husband experienced three significant job losses, exclusively holding upper management positions, which resulted in prolonged periods of unemployment lasting two to three years each time. Despite contributing to a 401(k) plan with an estimated balance of $170,000, Beth found that these retirement savings had been depleted over the years to sustain their lifestyle during his unemployment spells.

"He's been spending it throughout the years." – Beth [02:44]

Attempts to Implement a Budget and Rising Tensions

Beth had repeatedly attempted to introduce a household budget, striving for financial transparency and stability. However, her efforts were met with hostility and accusations of mistrust from her husband. This persistent tension hindered any progress toward managing their finances effectively.

"He just kept saying, 'relax, everything's fine, don't nitpick me, we're fine.' And he just kept saying, 'you wanting to do this budget and asking me these questions is showing you don't trust me.'" – Beth [02:00]

Impact of Health Issues on Financial Management

In 2016, Beth faced a severe health crisis, which not only threatened her life but also diverted her attention from their financial woes. During this vulnerable period, her husband accrued substantial credit card debt amounting to $80,000. To address this, they executed a cash-out refinance on their home, clearing the debt with the condition that such financial irresponsibility would cease.

"In 2016, I became very ill. I wasn't expected to survive, and I had no idea what's been going on since 2016 with our finances." – Beth [02:52]

Current Financial Snapshot

Two months ago, Beth discovered that her husband's financial misdeeds extended beyond past debts. Currently, they face $126,000 in new consumer debt, comprising $77,000 in credit card debt ($30,000 in Beth's name and $47,000 in her husband's) and a $50,000 Home Equity Line of Credit (HELOC) co-signed by her husband's sister. Despite their home's value appreciating to between $800,000 and $850,000, the outstanding mortgage and HELOC totals approximately $360,000, leaving significant equity but strained finances.

"Now have $126,000 in debt, new debt, since the 80,000 was paid off." – Beth [04:00]

Husband’s Continued Financial Irresponsibility

Despite multiple opportunities to rectify his financial behavior, Beth's husband continued his pattern of mismanagement. Six months prior, he initiated selling cars at a car lot, a significant shift from his previous refusal to take any job outside upper management roles.

"He wouldn't get a job before, but now all of a sudden he, six months ago he said, okay, I'll sell cars." – Beth [03:43]

Expert Analysis and Host Recommendations

A financial expert on the show highlighted the severity of the situation, noting the absence of effective communication and trust between Beth and her husband. The host echoed these sentiments, emphasizing the importance of financial independence and setting boundaries to protect oneself from ongoing financial turmoil.

"This is when things come up that literally he's driving you guys with his pattern of behavior over 30 years with no flag for change is going to continue to go down this lane and that's not going to be healthy for you." – Host [06:11]

The expert advised Beth to separate their finances to prevent further exploitation and recommended seeking assistance from a financial coach to navigate both the financial and relational challenges.

"We would put you with a financial coach because there's so many things to untangle here, not just from the financial perspective, but also the relational perspective." – Host [06:53]

Conclusion

Beth's story serves as a cautionary tale about the critical importance of transparent communication and joint financial planning within a marriage. The episode underscores the need for individuals to take control of their financial destinies, especially when facing the repercussions of a partner's irresponsible financial behavior. By advocating for financial independence and professional guidance, The Ramsey Show Highlights provides listeners with actionable steps to safeguard their financial well-being and restore trust within their relationships.

Notable Quotes

• Beth [00:11]: "I took the household, the children, everything. And he was paid the bills and has done that all of these years."
• Beth [02:00]: "He just kept saying, 'relax, everything's fine, don't nitpick me, we're fine.'"
• Beth [02:44]: "He's been spending it throughout the years."
• Host [06:11]: "This is when things come up that literally he's driving you guys with his pattern of behavior over 30 years with no flag for change is going to continue to go down this lane and that's not going to be healthy for you."

Final Thoughts

The episode "Husband Spent Our Retirement Behind My Back" offers a deep exploration of the intersection between marital relationships and financial management. Through Beth's experience, listeners are reminded of the paramount importance of financial transparency, mutual trust, and proactive planning to avoid similar pitfalls in their own lives.

Transcript

[Host]

Brought to you by chm, a biblically based alternative to health insurance. Learn [e-mail] Budget I've been married for.

[Beth]

Almost 30 years and after, and I'm 62 years old and so is my spouse. After we had children, sort of the division of labor, if you will, was I took care of everything but the finances. I took the household, the children, everything. And he was paid the bills and has done that all of these years. Unfortunately, I've recently learned of some pretty catastrophic, devastating financial information. He's had three huge job losses. They were all well paying jobs. He did Invest in a 401. I've never been sure about how much was in there. I think it might have been maybe 170,000. It's gone. Each time he's had a job loss, it's been a two or three year gap in between because he refused to take anything other than an upper management position. And I've learned he's spent retirement savings.

[Host]

During those years to keep you guys going.

[Financial Expert]

What did you think he. Can I just ask when those time frames were happening, where did you think the money was coming from?

[Beth]

Well, I asked him and to be frank, he's got a lot of major management issues. I've always pressed to try to have a household budget. I was debt free before I met him. I had accumulated 30,000 in retirement myself. And anytime I would press it, I became fearful because he would get terribly angry.

[Financial Expert]

But if you had to ask yourself, where did you think the money was coming from? Did you have something in your heart that you thought, oh gosh, we're probably on credit cards or we're probably on.

[Beth]

Yeah, yeah, in my heart for sure. But he just kept saying, quote, relax, quote, everything's fine, don't nitpick me, we're fine. And he just kept saying, you wanting to do this budget and asking me these questions is showing you don't trust me. Well, apparently I had reason not to trust him.

[Financial Expert]

Of course.

[Host]

Yeah, for sure. When did, when did you find this out, Beth?

[Beth]

About two months ago.

[Host]

Okay. And. And there's no money in the retirement. And is it. And it's because I just want to clarify that he's been spending it throughout the years or did he take a massive withdrawal and spend it in the last year?

[Beth]

He's been spending it throughout the years.

[Host]

Okay, so he's just been dwindling it down and now you guys are 62 and you don't have anything retired.

[Beth]

Well, not only that, but he had accrued as the financial manager of our family, he had accrued about $80,000 in credit card debt. And in 2016, we did a cash out refinance on the house to pay it off. He promised it would never, this would never happen again. And then in 2016, I became very ill. I wasn't expected to survive. I had no idea what's been going on since 2016 with our finances. And now I praise the Lord, I'm recovered enough to work part time, but that's all. And in all this time, his most recent job loss was three years ago. And I finally convinced him to sell cars. So he's selling cars.

[Financial Expert]

How many cars do you have?

[Beth]

No, he's selling cars at a car lot.

[Financial Expert]

Oh, oh, got you. Okay.

[Beth]

Yeah.

[Host]

To make money. Yeah.

[Beth]

He wouldn't get a job before, but now all of a sudden he, six months ago he said, okay, I'll sell cars.

[Financial Expert]

So today, today, what is the financial snapshot? Is it still the 80,000 in credit card debt and that's it, or give us a today picture of what's going on?

[Beth]

Yeah, we paid that off with the cash out refinance back in 2016.

[Financial Expert]

Okay, so then tell us then, we.

[Beth]

Now have $126,000 in debt, new debt, since the 80,000 was paid off.

[Host]

And is that because of the mortgage, the refinance, or is this consumer debt?

[Beth]

Consumer debt.

[Host]

Okay, would it break that down for me? What does that consist of?

[Beth]

I've had to do a lot of digging here. I took some notes. There's a $77,000 in credit card debt.

[Host]

Is that in his name or your name?

[Beth]

30,000 is in mine and 70. No. And 47,000 is his.

[Host]

Okay, okay, keep going.

[Beth]

And then he got his sister to co sign a HELOC on the house for 50,000 and now that's all gone too. So in total it's 120, $127,000.

[Host]

And real quick, let me ask, where did the 50,000 and the $77,000 of credit card. What did that go to? Is that just lifestyle? Because he's been out of work for three years and you had a health issue, like was it going to bills and keeping food on the table?

[Beth]

Yeah.

[Host]

Okay, okay.

[Beth]

And can you honestly. He was not a very good money manager. And every time I wanted to have.

[Financial Expert]

A budget, no one was. I want to call that out. Neither of you were good money managers. But I also, before we move on, can you tell me about the house? Can you tell me what you owe on the house and what it. What, what it's worth.

[Beth]

Yeah, we paid 390,000 ten years ago. Now, I think on Zillow, it's between 800 and 850,000.

[Financial Expert]

And what do you owe on it still?

[Beth]

Oh, that's a good question. I wrote that down here. I think we owe because of the cash out refinance and the HELOC, about 360.

[Host]

Okay.

[Financial Expert]

Okay. So the good news is you still got a ton of equity in it. You're no longer together. Are you no longer together? What's happening here? It sounds like somebody that you would no longer be in a relationship with unless you're doing deep work to. To fix this. So what's taking place with the relationship.

[Beth]

Trying to do the deep work for 30 years. And I've realized that it's, it's. It hasn't changed.

[Host]

Yeah, Beth, So this would be a scenario which doesn't happen often, but I. You're a 62. He is lying to you. He is an angry person that you can't breach a subject with, which is not just money. Beth, this is an insight picture into the marriage. Right? And so this is, this is your entire life. And this is a time I would say I would have my own money.

[Financial Expert]

100.

[Host]

I would get your own checking account, which we rarely say this the show, that's the opposite. But in a situation like this, this is when things come up that literally he's driving you guys with his pattern of behavior over 30 years with no flag for change is going to continue to go down this lane and that's not going to be healthy for you. And so if I were you, Beth, I would, I would talk to him and say until I. Until trust can be built back and I see a new pattern. We're separating our finances because it's a symptom of how our marriage has been. And again, we don't have time to dive into that. But Beth, if you will stay on the line, Kelly's going to pick up and I'd love to put you with a financial coach because there's so many things to untangle here, not just from the financial perspective, but also the relational perspective. And Beth and I want you to be protected. I do. And this is really difficult, and I'm so sorry. And I hate that we don't have the time on the show to. To dig into more. But. But if you hold on the line, Kelly will pick up. But I'm so glad that you called. CHM isn't health insurance. It's a health cost sharing ministry. Check it out for yourself. @chministries.org budget.