I Can't Get Access To The Prenup I Signed

Summary

The Ramsey Show Highlights — Episode Summary

Episode Title: I Can't Get Access To The Prenup I Signed
Date: August 23, 2025
Host(s): John Delony & Ken Coleman
Guest: Sarah (caller)
Podcast: The Ramsey Show Highlights (Ramsey Network)

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Main Theme / Purpose

In this poignant episode, the focus centers on Sarah, a 50-year-old stay-at-home mom seeking guidance on how to "financially exit" her deeply troubled marriage. She reveals she signed a prenuptial agreement she cannot access, her husband controls all finances, and she feels emotionally trapped. The hosts provide empathetic advice on legal rights, financial realities, and family dynamics when facing financial abuse and a controlling spouse.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sarah’s Situation: Financial and Emotional Control

• Sarah describes being married since 2001, now age 50, with a retired husband in his mid-60s, and having no access to household finances.
• She signed a prenup she’s never seen again; her husband keeps the only key to vital documents on him at all times.
• Emphasizes the lack of relationship: "There is no laughter between my husband and I. There is no relationship. He is not my friend and I am not his." (Sarah, 05:22)

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2. Legal Rights Regarding the Prenup and Financial Records

• [01:04] John Delony: “You do have legal rights to see the prenup that you sign because it's your prenup too.”
• John clarifies that, legally, Sarah should have access to her prenup and that her situation is not just controlling but also abusive.
• Ken and John explain the attorney’s process: with a non-cooperative spouse, the legal system can force disclosure, potentially involving forensic accountants if necessary.*
• “If somebody wants to be controlling and abusive like that...you’re in control. And by the way, a prenup will talk about pre-existing assets. It won't mean that you don't get a big chunk of what he has earned while y’all are married.” (John, 02:37)

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3. Abuse Recognition & Emotional Support

• Both hosts explicitly label Sarah's situation as emotionally (but not physically) abusive, emphasizing how financial control often correlates with broader abuse.
• Ken acknowledges the depth of Sarah’s predicament: “You’re in a prison. You’re in a financial and emotional prison.” (Ken, 06:53)
• Sarah admits there is substantial tension in the home, confirmed by her children.

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4. Challenges in Taking Legal Steps and Impact on Children

• The main barrier for Sarah is fear of her children’s reaction to potential divorce.
  • “My kids will hate me.” (Sarah, 04:50)
  • John assures her: “They won't, because they live in this mess, too.” (John, 04:52)
• John frames the challenge for Sarah: “I don't want you to use an imagined response from your children as the excuse to not go do what's the next right, scary, hard thing for you. And there's a reason we don't let teenagers vote and buy beer...they're full of feelings.” (John, 05:38)
• Hosts encourage Sarah to focus on her and her children’s well-being, underscoring that the entire household is experiencing the tension.

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5. Practical Next Steps & Reframing

• Legal: John advises her to return to her attorney, be transparent about why she cannot access documents, and let formal legal procedures take over.
• Personal: Both hosts encourage Sarah to consider separation not only for herself but for her children, offering reassurance: “And that means your kids are too [in a prison].” (John, 06:58)
• Support: John references supportive networks and attorneys experienced in helping women in these situations, emphasizing hope and resources exist.

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6. Insight into the Husband’s Behavior

• John characterizes Sarah's husband as demonstrating classic narcissistic behaviors: “This sounds like a true narcissist...somebody who carries a key, that's a power play. That's a flex.” (John, 08:49)
• Sarah shares her husband is goal-driven, focusing currently on funding the children’s college — but remains emotionally distant and controlling.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You're in a very abusive situation. And you know this, right?”
  — John Delony, [01:27]

• “If somebody wants to be controlling and abusive like that, you're...you're in control. And by the way, a prenup will talk about pre-existing assets. It won't mean that you don't get a big chunk of what he has earned while y' all are married.”
  — John Delony, [02:37]

• “You’re in a prison. You’re in a financial and emotional prison.”
  — Ken Coleman, [06:53]

• “I don't want you to use an imagined response from your children as the excuse to not go do what's the next right, scary, hard thing for you.”
  — John Delony, [05:38]

• “There is no laughter between my husband and I. There is no relationship. He is not my friend and I am not his.”
  — Sarah, [05:22]

• “This sounds like a true narcissist...somebody who carries a key, that's a power play. That's a flex.”
  — John Delony, [08:49]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:09 — 01:32: Sarah describes her marriage, financial control, lack of access to prenup and all finances.
• 01:32 — 02:54: Hosts clarify Sarah’s legal rights, court processes, and what a prenup typically covers.
• 04:41 — 05:38: Emotional impact on Sarah and her children, John’s advice to not let imagined reactions prevent necessary steps.
• 06:20 — 06:58: Ken and John affirm Sarah's suffering and the urgent need to act, framing her situation as a “prison.”
• 08:35 — 08:49: John identifies narcissistic behaviors in Sarah’s husband and points toward specialized legal help.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights provides a compassionate and practical roadmap for listeners facing financial and emotional abuse in marriage. John Delony and Ken Coleman emphasize the law is on Sarah's side, urge her to prioritize her and her children’s well-being, and remind her she is not alone. The advice is delivered with empathy, candor, and a strong call to action for anyone in a similar situation.

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Listeners concerned about controlling or abusive relationships are encouraged to speak with a trusted attorney and reach out to local resources for support.

Transcript

[Sarah]

Brought to you by chm, a biblically.

[John]

Based alternative to health insurance. Learn [e-mail] Budget hello.

[Sarah]

I am hoping somebody can tell me how I can financially exit my marriage.

[Ken]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What does that mean, financially exit?

[Sarah]

I have been married since 2001. I am 50 years old and a stay at home mom. My husband is in his mid-60s and is retired. He takes care of all the finances.

[John]

Is that a nice way of saying he controls the money?

[Sarah]

That. It probably is a very nice way of saying it. I signed a prenuptial agreement and I had no idea what that was. And I don't have access to it. I don't have access to anything.

[John]

That's not accurate. He might be controlling it. But you do have legal rights to see the prenup that you sign because it's your prenup too.

[Sarah]

It is. I don't have access to it. He carries a key to the filing cabinet and it's on him 100% of the time.

[John]

Okay. You're in a very. You're in a very abusive situation. And you know this, right?

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John]

Okay.

[Ken]

And that's why I'm asking, what did you mean by financially exit as opposed to just exit?

[Sarah]

I know. I'd like to just exit the whole thing, but I. Y' all are a financial show.

[John]

Yeah. You've got to sit with an attorney. Yeah, you got to sit down with the attorney.

[Sarah]

Done that.

[John]

Okay. What.

[Sarah]

The attorney need all of that information.

[John]

Say what now?

[Ken]

The attorney needs that information.

[Sarah]

The financial information that we have, the mortgage information, and they need the prenup. Prenuptial agreement.

[John]

I know, but if you're married to an abusive person who won't share that and controls it and keeps it on their body, this is like a, a, like a James Bond episode. Like if you're, if you're married to somebody like that, the attorney knows if this person is unsafe and won't turn that over, that then they make a filing and there's a disclosure. They have to put all this stuff on the table. And if they won't, which he probably will not voluntarily, even with a subpoena, then you get a forensic tax person who goes through everyone's underwear drawer and goes through every receipt and you'll pay them a jillion dollars. But that's how this is done. If somebody wants to be controlling and abusive like that, you're. You're in control. And by the way, a prenup will talk about pre existing assets. It won't mean that you don't get a big chunk of what he has earned while y' all are married.

[Sarah]

Oh, I know. I do know this.

[John]

Okay.

[Sarah]

I know that part. I know that I would get half of the house.

[John]

So, so tell me. Tell me what you're. Tell me. Are you trying to get this information without him knowing you're talking to an attorney? Is that the problem?

[Sarah]

Yes.

[John]

Okay, that may not be possible.

[Ken]

Yeah, I don't think it is. I think you have to do what John just said. The only way he's going to do.

[John]

This is under court order.

[Ken]

That's exactly right. It sounds like that's your only path. Unless you're sneaking around, you know, in the middle of the night, you know, he has too much allergy medicine, and you're pulling the key around his neck. This sounds like a bad lifetime.

[John]

Yeah. Rarely is somebody that controlling that's not abusive, either physically and. Or emotionally. Is that true? Also.

[Sarah]

Probably emotionally. Not. Not physically. Definitely not physically.

[Ken]

Okay, that's good.

[Sarah]

Not physically.

[John]

Then I think you have to sit with your attorney and say, I'm out of. I, I'm not able to get this information because I'm in a, in a, an abusive marriage.

[Ken]

Yeah.

[John]

And then we got to go to step two, and that means you have to have a place to live, and you're gonna have to have food and water. I mean, you're gonna have to have. There's, there's four walls you got to deal with.

[Sarah]

Right?

[Ken]

Do you have a hunch on this, Sarah? I think you do. But I'm curious to know if you did what John is, is suggesting. Do you think that would wake your husband up, or do you think he would dig in deeper?

[John]

Go to war?

[Sarah]

He would. He would go to war.

[John]

Okay.

[Ken]

Oh, bless your heart. I'm so sorry.

[John]

Yeah.

[Ken]

This sucks, Sarah. But I, I, I, I'm, I'm with John on this. This marriage is in deep, deep, deep trouble. And you got to do what'? And I think John's right.

[John]

I mean, you've already gone to speak to an attorney. What, what, what fear do you have about going the next step and filing papers?

[Sarah]

My kids will hate me.

[John]

Yeah, they won't, because they live in this mess, too.

[Ken]

How old are they?

[Sarah]

I have three that are in high school.

[John]

Yeah.

[Ken]

Do you, do you think they're aware of your relationship being in the state that we're all aware of?

[Sarah]

Some of two of them do. Two of them do.

[John]

Sarah, let me tell you that everyone in that house feels the tension in that house.

[Ken]

Yeah.

[Sarah]

There's There's a lot of tension.

[John]

Yes.

[Sarah]

There is no laughter between my husband and I. There is no relationship. He is not my friend and I am not his.

[John]

I'm going to say something very hard. Okay. And I want you to hear it in the spirit of which I'm saying it. Okay.

[Sarah]

Huh.

[John]

This is going to sound mean, but I want you to. I want you to hear me say I love you. Okay. I don't want you to use an imagined response from your children as the excuse to not go do. What's the next. Right. Scary hard thing for you. And there's a reason we don't let teenagers vote and buy beer. Because they're teenagers. Because they're full of feelings. And they don't always have. They don't always lead with critical thinking, rational thought. And that's not their fault. It's just brain development. Right.

[Sarah]

Right.

[Ken]

And also, let's acknowledge. Sarah, this is not what you expected.

[John]

No. It's a nightmare.

[Ken]

And this is really hard.

[Sarah]

Yeah, this is hard.

[Ken]

But my prayer is. And I mean this because I never love to hear the advice that we're giving at this case. I mean, I just hate this. But my hope is that it wakes him up. I think you're probably right. He'll dig in. But maybe not. I don't know. But I think you've got to make some moves going forward because I think you're in a prison. You're in a financial and emotional prison.

[Sarah]

Yes.

[John]

And that means your kids are too.

[Sarah]

Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

[John]

And usually. Not always, but usually he showers them with stuff so they will quote, unquote, love him. And then he gets to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

[Sarah]

It's, it's. It's actually not okay that he is very goal driven and his goal currently is to be able to finance the children's college education.

[Ken]

What kind of money does he make? You have any idea?

[Sarah]

He is retired and we are living off of his investments. I'm a stay at home mom. This is too much.

[Ken]

That's right.

[Sarah]

You mentioned that for me to stay, I need people to go back to school, go back to work.

[Ken]

You know, I didn't ask this question and I think I know the answer, but I'm going to ask it. Have you shared with him, at least at the level that you're sharing with John and I? What. What's going on? I mean, does he know how bad this is from your point of view?

[Sarah]

No. We have gone through four marital counselors in three years. Two of them, I felt like, were not seasoned enough or on the verge of retirement. One of them fired us. And she was the one who saw the issues.

[John]

Yeah.

[Ken]

So I think he actually is aware.

[John]

Yeah.

[Ken]

What you feel.

[John]

Or this word gets thrown around a lot. Diagnostic, I mean, gets thrown around the Internet a lot. And I'm in no way gonna make any sort of diagnostic like guesses here, but this sounds like a true narcissist.

[Sarah]

That was the word she used.

[John]

Yeah. And so, like somebody who carries a key, that's a power play. That's a flex. Right. That's, that's. That's somebody that not only is going to keep you from. Is going to use information as power over you, but they're going to make sure you see it. That's somebody who's not well. And there are some extraordinary people. I know them in the Texas. In Texas attorneys who have dedicated their lives to helping women in this exact moment who don't know up from down, who are not allowed to live in their own home. And so if you've already gone, my recommendation would be to sit down with your attorney and say, okay, what's, what's step two? And I hate this for you. Ken said. I hate having to give this kind of wisdom.

[Ken]

We're hurting for you, Sarah.

[John]

CHM isn't health insurance.

[Sarah]

It's a health cost sharing ministry. Check it out for [e-mail] budget.