"I Don't Know How To Help Him"

Summary

Summary of "I Don't Know How To Help Him" – The Ramsey Show Highlights

Release Date: March 31, 2025

Introduction

In the episode titled "I Don't Know How To Help Him," Marie reaches out to The Ramsey Show Highlights seeking advice on managing her husband's extreme frugality and controlling behaviors. Hosted by Dave Ramsey and featuring insights from Dr. John Deloney, the discussion delves into the emotional and spiritual ramifications of obsessive financial control within a marriage.

---

Marie’s Dilemma: Extreme Frugality Affecting Marriage

Marie shares her concerns about her husband's excessive saving habits, which have begun to strain their relationship:

• Controlling Behaviors: Her husband, a 64-year-old portfolio manager managing half a billion dollars, meticulously controls household expenses. He turns off lights and the TV when Marie isn't present, avoids buying avocados after one went bad, and lowers the thermostat to uncomfortably low temperatures (Marie, 00:06).

• Impact on Daily Life: These behaviors have led to practical challenges, such as Marie feeling cold due to the lowered heat and being banned from purchasing avocados, which has caused tension ("I never want to see an avocado in this house again," Marie, 00:06).

Dave Ramsey’s Perspective: Beyond Financial Issues

Dave Ramsey acknowledges that while minor financial disagreements are common, Marie's situation surpasses typical frugality:

• Normal vs. Abnormal Control: Ramsey identifies that "thermostat wars" are normal in marriages (Dave Ramsey, 01:18), but her husband's actions go beyond reasonable behavior, indicating deeper issues.

• Emotional and Spiritual Concerns: Ramsey emphasizes that this isn't merely a financial problem but an emotional and spiritual one. He notes, "This is not a money issue. This is an emotional and spiritual issue" (Dave Ramsey, 02:48), highlighting the need to address underlying fears and the desire for control.

Dr. John Deloney’s Insights: The Scarcity Mentality and Idolatry of Money

Dr. John Deloney expands on the psychological aspects contributing to Marie's husband's behavior:

• Scarcity Mentality and Fear: Deloney explains that her husband operates from a place of fear and scarcity, which manifests as obsessive control over minor expenditures (Dr. John Deloney, 03:59).

• Idolatry of Money: He discusses how money can become an idol, leading to unhealthy obsessions. "This is idolatry in a sense. He has become obsessed...to the point that his actions are not making sense" (Dr. John Deloney, 04:26).

Advice for Marie: Addressing Control and Seeking Help

Ramsey and Deloney offer practical advice to Marie on navigating this challenging dynamic:

• Communication and Counseling: Ramsey suggests that Marie should confront her husband about his behavior and seek marriage counseling. "Sit down with a marriage counselor and someone who can talk to you about your obsession with these minor little things" (Dave Ramsey, 05:04).

• Breaking Codependence: Deloney emphasizes the importance of Marie breaking free from codependent behaviors. "You need freedom in yourself and in your marriage... you have to break that codependence" (Dr. John Deloney, 06:36).

• Understanding Limitations: Both experts acknowledge that change must come from her husband. "He has to have the ability to change himself" (Dr. John Deloney, 06:36), and Ramsey adds humorously, "If you try to fix him, you're better off living in a cave" (Dave Ramsey, 07:12).

Conclusion: Navigating Financial Control and Preserving the Relationship

The episode underscores the complexities that arise when financial control becomes excessive in a marriage. Marie is encouraged to address the emotional and spiritual dimensions of her husband's behavior through open communication and professional counseling. Both Ramsey and Deloney highlight the importance of mutual understanding and the necessity for individual freedom within a relationship to maintain harmony and prevent financial habits from undermining marital bliss.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Marie: "When he comes home, he will start turning off all the lights... Banned from buying avocados because one went bad once" (00:06).

• Dave Ramsey: "This is not a money issue. This is an emotional and spiritual issue" (02:48).

• Dr. John Deloney: "This is idolatry in a sense. He has become obsessed...to the point that his actions are not making sense" (04:26).

• Dave Ramsey: "Sit down with a marriage counselor... You're frustrated, freakish, and you're driving me nuts" (05:04).

• Dr. John Deloney: "You need freedom in yourself and in your marriage... you have to break that codependence" (06:36).

• Dave Ramsey: "If you try to fix him, you're better off living in a cave" (07:12).

---

Final Thoughts

"I Don't Know How To Help Him" offers a nuanced exploration of how financial habits can evolve into controlling behaviors that threaten marital harmony. Through expert advice, Marie and listeners are guided toward recognizing the importance of addressing not just financial matters but also the emotional and spiritual health of their relationships.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today.

[Marie]

So I never heard this situation on your show. I've been listening to your show for a long time, but is there ever a point when you don't worry about little bills? And so my husband is a portfolio manager, and he manages about half a billion dollars. So money is his. That's what he knows. When he comes home, this will sound like a joke, but it's not. When he comes home, he will start turning off all the lights. If the TV's on and I'm not in the room, he's turning off the tv. Been banned from buying avocados because one went bad once. And you said, I never want to see an avocado in this house again. But he's not like that with everything. But it's just over the top. At night, he'll turn the heat down to 65, and it's freezing, and my nose is cold, and I can almost see my breath. And I. Is that normal?

[Dave Ramsey]

It's normal to have thermostat wars in every marriage. The other part's not normal?

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, Marie, no, no, no.

[Marie]

Just it's. It's.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Are you guys, like, financially. Where are you guys at?

[Dave Ramsey]

Oh, he has a million dollars.

[Marie]

Half our. Our house was bought for. In cash. Our cars are bought. You know, they're paid in cash. They're not used cars. I just got a brand new up to me at 22. Super.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Marie, how did he. How did he grow up? What was his family of origin with money?

[Marie]

Well, it's funny because his father grew up with a lot of money and they had a house staff, but his mother was very frugal. And you. You would never know that they ever had anything. They. They were just.

[Dave Ramsey]

How old is your husband? How old your husband?

[Marie]

My husband is 64 and I'm 62.

[Dave Ramsey]

He's too old. He's too old to still be making his mom happy.

[Marie]

Well, his mom. His mom passed.

[Dave Ramsey]

You missed my point. You missed my point. Oh, a good little boy. Turns off all the lights and the TV and doesn't buy wasteful avocados. And he's 64, and he's still living up to her freakish savings techniques.

[Marie]

Oh, my gosh. I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to do.

[Dave Ramsey]

This is not a money issue. This is an emotional and spiritual issue. He's trying to control his environment, okay? And I know I do it, too. We all want to control the things we can control. That's Called being a grown up. But he's doing it to the damage of his relationship, and he's doing it to the level that it's outside the norm of reasonable behavior. Okay.

[Marie]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

And so the thing is, you're sweet and kind, but you're going to reach the end of this and there's going to be an avocado explosion in your house.

[Marie]

Well, when I bought one last week and I was stressed.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah.

[Marie]

Like, I have to eat this before he sees it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. And, you know, and here's the deal. Here's the deal. In Texas, you own half of the assets, so that includes avocados. You have no reason to be stressed. But. So this is not. This is not. This is a. This is a control issue. And he does. He's not a mean person. He's not trying to be mean to you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, it's just the scarcity mentality to these.

[Dave Ramsey]

He's completely operates on the glasses hat.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it's complete fear.

[Dave Ramsey]

Well, he's still trying to please his.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Mother of whatever it is, though. There's something. Yeah. The motivation in it is very fascinating. And that's the route I'd want to get to with him, because, Marie, he's not living in freedom at all. Could you imagine being him? Could you imagine walking into a room and for decades feeling this responsibility to turn off every light or, God forbid, something goes bad in the fridge? You know what I mean?

[Dave Ramsey]

What if he was in a situation where he couldn't because it wasn't legal for him to turn off other people's lights? You know, I mean, he's freaking out. You know what I'm saying? I mean, it's like. It's gotta be distressing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

So anyway, this is him.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And this is an interesting concept when we talk from a spiritual element, Marie. You know, we always. Scripture is very clear that money, it can be an idol so easily. And a lot of people see money as an idol when it comes to us worshiping stuff and nice cars. But this is. This is idolatry in a sense. It has. It. He has become obsessed. Obsessed with it to the point that his actions.

[Dave Ramsey]

You're multi millionaires.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Are not making sense. And so there's a. There is a big component here for him.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. So I, you know, honestly, I think as his wife, you just sit down and say, honey, number one, I'm not living like this anymore. You're making my life miserable. You're weird. Number two, I do tell him that. I know. Number two, I think we need to sit down With a marriage counselor and someone who can talk to you about your obsession with these minor little things that don't even affect our lives. You're frustrated, freakish, and you're driving me nuts.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

And I love you, but he needs help. You're not mean, but you need to talk to somebody about this. Or you just need to stop it. Your choice. But I think you probably ought to sit down and figure out why it is you're doing this. We're multimillionaires. I can afford a freaking avocado. I can throw avocados at the dog as a ball if I want. And we're not gonna go broke. You're fine. I can buy all the avocados and dance in them in the front yard, and we're not gonna go broke. You know, it's really ridiculous. Ridiculous. You know the numbers on this. And so. And you know, Sharon and I have had to do this together as we've gone from broke when we got married to making a lot of money, to going broke, to starting over after the scars of going broke. And, you know, we have to sit down and say, okay, we can enjoy this amount of money. We can give this amount of money. We have to almost, like, say it out loud. Like, if we give $100,000 to this charity, this ministry, our life doesn't change.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's okay, Marie. What's interesting, we're okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, we can buy an avocado.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And in this.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And in this scenario. Because when. When it happens relationally in a marriage, too, I think the hard thing for you is. And something I feel like we've all learned through life, you can't change people. Like, you are not going to be able to say the right thing to him. Where the light goes on. And he. Or no, the light will go off, I guess. Tell me once the lights off. But it's just the idea of, like, you're not going to. You're not going to fix him. He. He has to have the ability. I was good. He has to have the ability to change himself. Okay? But you, Marie, can't function in this codependence of trying to make him happy. You will never make him happy. You will never be frugal enough. So you need.

[Dave Ramsey]

So, Marie, live in a cave, collect lint, only come out on triple coupon Thursday.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Marie, you need freedom in yourself and in your marriage for you. Because regardless of how he changes, you have to break that codependence that you're. That. I'm nervous about the avocado. You have to. You have to let that go because that's you. That, that's what you can control your part. You can't control if he's going to change or not. But for you, yeah. Live in reality, Marie. And if it pisses him off, it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Here's the thing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

He's not reality.

[Dave Ramsey]

He's not a mean person. He doesn't see this as anger, does he?

[Marie]

No. No, he doesn't.

[Dr. John Deloney]

He's a kind man, but he's just controlling.

[Dave Ramsey]

I mean, very controlling.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

Because it's a lot. It's a lot. There's a lot of fear.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes.

[Marie]

Yeah. He's very generous with other things. With a lot of things. He's very generous. We have a great. We have a great life. It's wonderful.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's just these, these habits from this, like. Yeah. These samples.

[Dave Ramsey]

No lights are all things and, and.

[Marie]

Go to Sonic and it's not happy hour. I get an earful because why, why didn't I wait 30 minutes?

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's his problem.

[Marie]

My Route 44.

[Dave Ramsey]

Talk to the hand, talk to the line made.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yep.

[Dave Ramsey]

Limead will talk to you about this. I'm not talking to you about this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And be like, here's all the complaints for the next, like six months that what your complaints are going to add up to is this $100 bill. So, like just take it. And I don't want to hear complaining. I'm kidding. Don't do that. But that's basically what it adds up to.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, it's. There's. Okay. Honestly, somehow sometimes sitting down with a good counselor, two sessions even, they'll be able to hold up a mirror back to him and he'll see himself. And when he does, he'll be a little bit horrified because this is not a bad person. I really don't believe he's mean. I really don't. I really don't think he's angry at you and you know, earful. But, but that's just fear based. And so. But I think, you know, I would invest into marriage counseling sessions and, you know, bring this up and y'all talk it through and see what the counselor looks at him and goes, dude, you're weird.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That counselor's gonna pull a string and he may be in there for six months.

[Dave Ramsey]

What the counselor's gonna do what Deloney says. He's gonna turn on all the lights.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dave Ramsey]

You can't make this up. This is the Ramsey Show. Create your free everydollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.