I Feel Guilty Charging My Sons Rent

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights – "I Feel Guilty Charging My Sons Rent"

Release Date: December 8, 2024

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Introduction

In the episode titled "I Feel Guilty Charging My Sons Rent," hosted by the Ramsey Network, listeners delve into the complex emotions and practical challenges parents face when deciding whether to charge their adult children rent. Featuring a heartfelt caller and expert insights, the discussion navigates the fine line between support and enabling, offering valuable perspectives for parents grappling with similar dilemmas.

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Caller's Dilemma: Balancing Support and Independence

The episode opens with a caller (B) reaching out to express her conflicted feelings about charging rent to her adult sons who have moved back home. She shares the background of her family's situation, highlighting the financial strains and emotional toll involved.

Notable Quote:

B: "At times I feel like we're being taken for granted." ([00:38])

The caller explains that their second son lost his job a year and a half ago, leading the parents to cover his rent to prevent their youngest son from facing penalties. Once he secured employment, they required him to repay $200 for the loan and another $200 for rent. Recently, their younger son had to move back due to a collapsed wedding, prompting the initiation of rent charges for him as well.

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Expert Analysis: The Impact of Parental Support on Adult Children

Expert (C) empathizes with the caller's situation, introducing the concept of "Millions of Unmarriable Men"—men who remain reliant on their parents as a safety net. She discusses how continuous support can inadvertently hinder the development of financial independence and resilience in adult children.

Notable Quote:

C: "Millions and millions of parents are walking into the gym and watching their kids struggle and they run over and take the weight off the bar." ([02:16])

The expert highlights the parental instinct to protect their children from failure, comparing it to removing weights from a gym-goer's exercise regimen. This overprotection can lead to adult children lacking the necessary skills to navigate financial and personal challenges independently.

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Parenting Styles: From Helicopters to Snowplows

The conversation transitions to different parenting styles and their long-term effects on children's ability to thrive independently. The hosts differentiate between "helicopter parents," who hover closely over their children's lives, and "snowplow parents," who clear obstacles to ensure a smooth path free of setbacks. Both styles, while well-intentioned, can contribute to adult children not developing essential life skills.

Notable Quote:

A: "There’s common sense in this, right? So it’s not that you’re not being, you know, half-hearted about it, but also what that ends up being...the enabling side." ([05:05])

The hosts argue that without clear boundaries and expectations, parental support can transform into enabling, where children rely excessively on their parents and fail to build self-sufficiency.

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Advice and Strategies for Fostering Independence

Expert (C) offers practical advice for parents aiming to support their adult children without fostering dependence. She emphasizes the importance of setting clear boundaries and deadlines for living arrangements, encouraging children to take responsibility for their financial and personal growth.

Notable Quote:

C: "I don't want them waking up and being 30. And because of me, they don't have strength and they don't have grit." ([07:02])

She suggests implementing structured timelines, such as offering a 30 to 60-day period for children to secure their own housing, coupled with educational resources like financial planning lessons. This approach aims to balance support with the necessary challenges that promote resilience and independence.

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Conclusion: Striking the Right Balance

The episode concludes by reaffirming the delicate balance parents must maintain between providing support and encouraging independence in their adult children. By setting boundaries and fostering accountability, parents can help their children develop the strength and skills needed to lead self-sufficient lives.

Notable Quote:

A: "All the research shows it's the opposite. It's exactly what you're saying about the weights. It's a great picture because they end up being weak. Like, there's no strength." ([06:31])

Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own parenting approaches, ensuring that their support mechanisms empower rather than inhibit their children's growth into independent adults.

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Key Takeaways

• Support vs. Enabling: Continuous financial support without expectations can prevent adult children from developing financial independence.
• Setting Boundaries: Clear timelines and conditions for living arrangements help promote responsibility and self-sufficiency.
• Fostering Resilience: Encouraging challenges and providing resources equip adult children with the necessary tools to navigate life's obstacles.
• Balanced Parenting: Striking a balance between support and independence is crucial for the long-term well-being of both parents and adult children.

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This episode provides a thoughtful exploration of a common family dynamic, offering actionable advice for parents seeking to support their adult children while fostering their independence and resilience.

Transcript

[A]

Brought to you by the Ramsey Network app.

[B]

Download today to go further with Ramsey. Well, I had written in because I. We have two adult children that have moved back home and we are charging them rent. However, I do feel guilty about it at times and then I feel like we're being taken advantage other times. So I just wanted to hear what your take would be on it.

[C]

I was about to high five you. So tell me about your sons.

[B]

So our second, we have four children. Our second son, he lost his job a couple about a year and a half ago.

[A]

How old is he?

[B]

And he was 29, he's now 30. And he, he was renting a place with our youngest son and he was behind on his rent and we, we paid to have his rent caught up so our other son wouldn't get penalized for it. Then we allowed him to move in. He was without a job for six months. He did get a job and once he started, we were having him pay $200 back for the loan and $200 back for rent. So that has been going on since last August. And then our younger son, he was supposed to get married and that didn't happen and his housing fell through. So he at the last minute asked if he could move in with end of August. So he's been here for two months and we just started charging him rent. So.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They make a lot of money.

[C]

You do or they do.

[B]

They do. I mean, we were fine, my husband and I are fine. But they do make a lot of money. And at times I feel like we're being taken for granted.

[C]

You are, you are. Okay, I've, I've. I'm working on a huge project. And one of the chapters of the project right now is tentatively titled Millions of Unmarriable Men. And these are men that always go through life with a safety net. That is probably mom's house.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And what it's robbing them of is, I mean, you're talking about a 30 year old who makes great money. Essentially what's happening here is, and by the way, the thought I have a 14 year old, the thought of him moving away in four years, I can get choked up without even, without even blinking twice. Okay.

[B]

Right, right.

[C]

So I get it. And if you throw in any sort of divorce or childhood issues, there's always this sense parents feel, if I want to catch up, I want to make this thing right. I don't want to contribute anything any more hurt or anything like that. But here's what's happening. Millions and millions of parents are Walking into the gym and watching their kids struggling and they run over and take the weight off the bar. And then their kids are 30 years old and they get laid off. And the kid looks around and just goes, mommy and you. And here's the thing. It feels good, doesn't it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It feels so good sometimes. Sometimes I get angry about it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It's good.

[C]

I'm glad you. I'm glad you feel both. And both of those are normal reactions. I want my son and my daughter to always know, no matter what. No matter what. They will always know where the key is to come into my house. They're always welcome home.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And I want them to be strong enough to really never have to. Right.

[B]

Yeah. And see, my husband and I, we got married young, 19 and 21, and we had four kids, you know. Right. Within seven years. And we never. We worked our butts off to, you know, just live paycheck to paycheck. And so we never had a safety net, either one of us. And so we always wanted to make sure that our kids didn't feel that and that we were that. So our oldest son is married, has a three year old and another on the way. He's never come back home since he's been married. But our other three kids have come back. All of them. Two of them have come back twice. And then our youngest just came back.

[C]

But can I tell you why they come back?

[B]

Because they can.

[C]

Yep, because they can. And so I. I do think there's a moment in time when the greatest gift you could give them is their independence. And I think there's something fair to say. Hey, me and this old man over here, your husband, we got married real young. We had all four kids, and we want to have our adventures. Y'all are moving out. You got three months, you got six months. You got 90 days, you got 60 days. What I've been telling parents is this. Tell them they got 60 or third, let's say 30 days, maybe 60 days at the most, and say, I'll give you another 30 days if you'll watch all nine FPU lessons back to back to back. You watch all these lessons, I'll give you another month. You can stay to launch. But just as.

[A]

And what's. And what's so hard about this, Heather, is, you know, what you intended as a mom to help and to be a gift and to be a blessing when that is not done with boundaries, with clear communication, with an end date. Like the son that, you know was going to get married, ended up falling. It didn't happen. And so his housing, you know, who knows what that story is? And I'm like, yeah, if he's like, oh, my gosh, I was supposed to move in here, and now I can't, you know, get rent somewhere, can I, Can I stay with you guys for a month while I find another place? Right? Like, I mean, there's a. There's a. There's. There's. There's common sense in this, right? So it's not that you're not being, you know, half hearted about it, but also what that ends up being. That gift and that great heart that you have, Heather, it ends up hindering your kids. And it's. And it's the enabling side that is so difficult. I was reading a parenting book recently, and they were talking about how my generation, my. The boomer parents ended up kind of becoming helicopter parents to a degree. Toward the end of, like, my high school, when phones started to be a thing, and they said, you know, hover, hover, hover, hover, hover. And nowadays the style of parenting is not helicopter parents, but they're snowplow parents, and they go through and they just clear the way where there's no bumps, no moguls. They don't have to. They don't have to get nervous that, oh, my God, I'm about to fall. Nothing. It is a clear path. And what that and what. And again, if we knew that that was the healthiest thing for people and they would end up on the other side being a healthier person, then that's great. But it doesn't.

[C]

It doesn't. It doesn't.

[A]

All the research shows it's the opposite. It's exactly what you're saying about the weights. It's a great picture because they end up being weak. Like, there's no.

[C]

They're just not strong.

[A]

There's no strength.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

And I don't know if this helps at all, Heather, but we had Taylor, our beautiful Taylor in the booth. She's our phone screener. She's wonderful. And when. When you said, yeah, about unmarried women, she's nodding her head because a lot of men in their 20s and 30s are back home, and great girls are like, oh, oh. But I got. I got a failure to launch Matthew McConaughey. I got to go home to your parents.

[C]

Like, and here's the thing. Parents, for those of us. Listen, I remember pacing the house with my wife asleep, not knowing how we were going to do it. Like, those. Those that I can get real visceral. Real quick. My son and my daughter, hopefully, thank God, will never experience that. That doesn't mean that they have won. That means that I'm going to have to do different things to inject challenges into their lives. Meaning I could buy you a car. I'm not going to. I could pay for everything. I'm not going to. I've got to inject struggle because at the end of the day, I don't want them waking up and being 30. And because of me, they don't have strength and they don't have grit. That doesn't mean we're going to intentionally make them suffer. But that means I've got to be intentional about making sure they've got strength, that they develop different places that I developed, right?

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

Part of it.

[A]

Brought to you by the Ramsey Network.

[B]

App Download today to go further with Ramsey.