I Feel Guilty Using Child Support Money

Summary

The Ramsey Show Highlights: "I Feel Guilty Using Child Support Money"

Release Date: March 29, 2025

In this compelling episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, host Dave Ramsey addresses a heartfelt dilemma presented by Sarah, a listener grappling with guilt over using child support money. Joined by expert George Kamel, the discussion delves deep into the emotional and financial challenges of managing funds designated for child support, especially in the aftermath of an abusive relationship.

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1. Sarah’s Journey: From Abuse to Financial Freedom

Sarah opens up about her painful past, sharing, “[I] was in an abusive relationship, and by the grace of God, I was able to leave when my son was about three weeks old” (00:10). She highlights the resilience it took to rebuild her life, eventually meeting her now-husband when her son was five years old. Together, they achieved financial milestones, culminating in becoming completely debt-free by January 2025.

Notable Quote:

“As Of January of 2025, we are officially done with Baby Step 2. We are completely debt free.” — Sarah (00:22)

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2. The Emotional Toll of Using Child Support Funds

Despite their financial success, Sarah confesses lingering guilt over using a specific portion of the child support money: “I have about $4,000 from that child support money that we said we'd never use. And I'm wondering if I should just pay it back like a debt and just keep going” (01:06). This internal conflict stems not from the legality or necessity of the funds but from the emotional baggage associated with its origin.

Notable Quote:

“The connotation of the child support money in the first place just killed me, and I don't know what to do about it.” — Sarah (01:06)

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3. Dave Ramsey’s Approach to Emotional vs. Financial Responsibility

Dave Ramsey empathizes with Sarah’s feelings, clarifying, “this is not a debt that you need to pay” (03:06). He emphasizes that legally, the money was designated to support her son and was used appropriately. Ramsey encourages Sarah to separate the emotional attachment from the financial reality, suggesting that holding onto the guilt only serves as a barrier to future financial wellness.

Notable Quote:

“It was more of a conviction that you personally had with it because of who it came from. And you just... The thought of using it just feels gross.” — Dave Ramsey (01:34)

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4. Reframing the Narrative: George Kamel’s Insights

George Kamel builds on Ramsey’s advice by advocating for a mental shift. He proposes reclassifying the funds as “changing my family tree money to set up my child for a better life” (04:52). By setting clear financial goals for the money—such as a college fund or a car fund—Sarah can transform her perception of the funds from a source of guilt to a tool for positive future planning.

Notable Quote:

“Have a goal for this money. Instead of letting it just sit there, it's only going to make... you to make a better future for my kid now.” — George Kamel (04:51)

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5. Celebrating Financial and Emotional Milestones

The conversation underscores the importance of celebrating personal victories over financial and emotional struggles. Dave Ramsey praises Sarah’s courage in leaving an abusive relationship and achieving financial independence, noting, “that is, that's incredible” (06:21). George Kamel adds that breaking free from negative financial narratives is a significant accomplishment worth celebrating.

Notable Quote:

“When you do, it is something to be celebrated.” — George Kamel (07:14)

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6. Building a Positive Financial Legacy for the Next Generation

Concluding the discussion, Dave Ramsey and George Kamel highlight the broader impact of Sarah’s financial decisions on her son’s future. They emphasize that by mastering money management and overcoming past emotional hurdles, Sarah is setting a powerful example for her child. Ramsey remarks, “money is a tool to create a life that you love” (08:13), reinforcing the message that financial control leads to a more stable and fulfilling life for the entire family.

Notable Quote:

“Money is a tool to create a life that you love.” — Dave Ramsey (08:13)

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Conclusion

This episode offers a profound exploration of the intersection between financial responsibility and emotional well-being. Sarah’s story serves as an inspiring testament to overcoming adversity, while Dave Ramsey and George Kamel provide actionable advice on reframing financial guilt into positive legacy-building. Listeners are reminded that managing money effectively is not just about numbers but also about fostering a healthy emotional relationship with finances to create a better future for themselves and their loved ones.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Sarah]

Guilt and pride around using child support money. So I was in an abusive relationship, and by the grace of God, I was able to leave when my son was about three weeks old.

[Dave Ramsey]

Oh, my gosh.

[Sarah]

I met my now husband when My son was 56 months old and he's now 12. My husband and I had sat and talked and said, we don't want any money. We don't want anything. We want nothing to do with him. Well, the judge made the decision that it's not our choice and it's not our money. It's for our son. So we were just putting all that money in an account. We had some debt, and in 2021, I lost my job and we needed four walls, so we dipped into that account. As Of January of 2025, we are officially done with Baby Step 2. We are completely debt free.

[Dave Ramsey]

Oh, congratulations.

[Sarah]

Thank you. It's very exciting. I'm really happy to be there. But I have about $4,000 from that child support money that we said we'd never use. And I'm wondering if I should just pay it back like a debt and just keep going. Like if we were on baby step two or. The connotation of the child support money in the first place just killed me, and I don't know what to do about it.

[Dave Ramsey]

So. So this. This guilt, Sarah, I'm just double checking that the facts are correct. You didn't use this money immorally. It was more of a conviction that you personally had with it because of who it came from. And you just. The thought of using it just feels gross. And you had to use it at one point. Um, but. But from a legal standpoint, you use it exactly how anyone else would use it. Right. To help run the household because you're. You're taking care of a child and that other parent is helping with that, Correct?

[Sarah]

Exactly.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah.

[George Kamel]

And what was the court order, how much and for how long?

[Sarah]

It was originally. It was until he was 18, and it was supposed to be $430. And the only money that I've actually seen from that is the COVID money. I was able to get his Covid check. I didn't know that it was coming. My husband adopted our son when he was four years old. Everything finalized, so that's when the child support stopped. But there's so much arrears that, I mean, I will still randomly get like a $12 check.

[George Kamel]

Okay, so it's over. Essentially you're not getting future payments. You just have this kind of savings sitting here and you feel like, I don't want to, I don't want to touch this money. It feels weird.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. How much is in that account?

[Sarah]

In the account right now is 2000 and I used four of it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Four of it. And what are you going to plan? What are you going to do with it eventually? Are you going to give it to him when he's 18 or help pay for a car when he's 16 or college or what do you think?

[Sarah]

That's what we were thinking, just a car or something like that. Like I said, my husband's been around since my son was six months old. So my son doesn't know. He doesn't know any different as of right now. And eventually we're going to tell him. I mean, we have to tell him, but we're just not there yet. And he's not emotionally mature enough to be there yet.

[Dave Ramsey]

Sure. Okay. So what I'll speak to, I'll speak to the money side of it, Sarah, from the sense that, no, this is not a debt that you need to pay. I mean, you use the money essentially how the system works and you know, you use it exactly appropriately. And I know that it doesn't sit well with you because of who it's coming from. And that, that totally makes sense to me. But I think kind of the, the quote unquote debt going forward, which is not a debt, but is to say, okay, how can we best set up my son to have a life where he, from a financial standpoint, understands, understands money doesn't have to walk through this debt free journey. And we're setting him up in order to do that. And that looks like things like maybe college or um, helping with his first car, you know, what, whatever that may look like for you guys and for me, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't hold on to that emotional $4,000 anymore. Because I, I think you, I think you need to release that. But I think going forward, the motivation now is to pass a great legacy onto your son. Right. Regardless of $4,000 or not. So I under, I totally understand how that can feel like, oh my gosh, we use this money and it feels so gross and I hate it. Cause I don't. He's a terrible person. Um, but on. But you know, you, you guys were in a pinch at the time and that's what that money's for, is to help take care of your Son. And that's what you guys did. So I, I would, I would let go of that. Cause emotionally, I think it, I think it is holding onto you so deeply.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[George Kamel]

So in the filing cabinet of your brain, we need to refile this. Instead of child support money from an abusive, awful relationship, this is changing my family tree money to set up my child for a better life than the one I experienced.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. And, and Sarah, too, you know, give yourself a little bit of grace. You know, if, if this was a 60,000, do you know, thing or something, and you're like, oh, my gosh, he was supposed to use it for a down payment on a house or, you know what I mean? Like a mag. Like, I feel like, like, like a lot of this magnitude and weight from a dollar standpoint. I feel like we could go at it a different way because I could see, you know, the more money it is, the more weight it feels. Right. So.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

So with this 4000. Yeah, I, I want you, I want you to release it. For you, Sarah, again, it's not about the dollars at that point. To me, it, it's, it's that emotional attachment that's still there to him. And I, I, I want that, I want that release from you, you know, so whatever that looks like, I would.

[George Kamel]

Have a goal for this money. Instead of letting it just sit there, it's only going to make, you know, reopen the wound. So I would put it in a 529 plan for college. I would put it toward, in a savings account for a car fund one day, because that day is going to come. And these things cost money, and this is, it's part of the deal. And, you know, there's a shared burden because that person was apparent. And this is what the court ordered. And so I, I would, it's hard to just say, release the guilt, Sarah. You're doing great. But that's the truth of it. It's, it's that hard and it's that simple to just go, all right, it happened. That was the past, and I'm going to make a better future for my kid now. And it sounds like you guys are thriving. And this child is so lucky to have you, too.

[Sarah]

Yeah, we're, he's definitely blessed. My husband is literally a godsend, and he took him on like his own. And like I said, nobody, nobody knows. There's a couple people, like family knows, but he doesn't know. And my husband stepped up in more ways than I could ever even pray for.

[Dave Ramsey]

Well, and give yourself to so much credit. Sarah, because we, we talked to so many people on this show and women specifically that are in, in a situation and they just, they don't feel like there's a way out and whether from its financial type abuse where, you know, husband's withholding and not allowing controlling. Yes. To physical, emotional. I mean, you know, you can fill in the gaps and stuff. The spectrum is wide and to break that cycle is so, so difficult. And as Dr. John DeLoney says, who works with, you know, so, so many people in this area says that there's, it's rare to have someone actually break it. So when you do, it is a.

[George Kamel]

It is a something to be celebrated.

[Dave Ramsey]

It's an applause. I mean, it really is. Sarah. So I mean, I, I just commend you for that. I know that was 12 years ago, but that is, that's incredible. Absolutely incredible. Yeah. George. When we, you know, think about part of the baby steps and what she said I loved because, yeah, it's baby step, you know, they're past baby step two. They're moving on for that fully funded emergency fund and so forth. And there, there is something so freeing from the sense of, yes, the dollars and cents are there. Right. We're being wise with our actual tactical money. That's, you know, very important. But it's so much bigger than that. It is like the place where money sits in our lives, the value of which we give it. And when you are out of debt, you have that emergency fund. It's, you're, you don't have to be obsessed with it, you don't have to stress about it because you're setting yourself up so well. And what that speaks to your kids and a household is everything. Like, to me, that is, that's part of family change, changing the family tree. It's not just from a, from a monetary standpoint, but from an emotional standpoint. That money doesn't have to be a stress point in our lives because we have control over it.

[George Kamel]

Yeah. And there's a lot of belief there. People think there's some sort of like financial DNA that you're born with because of the environment and place and parents. But we're proving it with Sarah that you can break chains. You might be the first one in your family to become debt free, to create a better life for your kid, for your kid to go to college debt free, for you to have a home that you own free and clear, for you to become a millionaire. And it's something you get to choose and it's a daily choice and it's one of the hardest patterns to break because of all the shame and guilt from the past. And your belief system is so tied up and you talk about this and know yourself, know your money, the different money classrooms you grew up in, it really shapes you and you have to really try to break all of the bad stuff to get to the good stuff.

[Dave Ramsey]

Totally. Yeah. Yeah. And as parents, you know, whatever you can do. You know, we always say more is caught than taught. But from again, that side, that, that standpoint of money, we're going to get in control of our money because yes, from a monetary standpoint, we need to know where our money's going. We want to be debt free. We want to start, you know, investing and letting the math work for us, like all of that. But more importantly, realizing that money is a tool. It is a tool to create a life that you love like that. That's what it is. It is not good, it is not bad. It doesn't have morals. And so how, how can that lesson and where money is placed in your life and in your heart and your identity, what your kids see that speaks louder than words. This is the Ramsey Show. CHM isn't health insurance. It's a health cost sharing ministry. Check it out for [e-mail] budget.