I Feel Like I May Be Enabling My Family Members

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights

Episode Title: I Feel Like I May Be Enabling My Family Members
Host/Author: Ramsey Network
Release Date: June 14, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, Sierra reaches out for advice on navigating the delicate balance between helping her family members and inadvertently enabling their potentially harmful behaviors. With the guidance of experts Rachel Cruze and George Kamel, the discussion delves into strategies for supporting loved ones without compromising personal boundaries or financial stability.

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Caller’s Dilemma: Balancing Help and Enabling

Sierra's Situation
Sierra finds herself in a complex situation where she wants to assist her niece financially but is concerned about past behaviors that suggest she might be enabling detrimental patterns. Her niece recently requested help with a down payment for a new apartment and revealed an unplanned pregnancy. However, Sierra is wary due to her niece’s history of financial dependency and involvement with negative influences.

• Key Points:
  • Sierra's niece has a history of frequently asking family for money, sometimes for dubious purposes.
  • The niece recently disclosed her pregnancy, raising questions about manipulation and the depth of their relationship.
  • Sierra grapples with the obligation to help, considering her niece’s troubled past and lack of a stable relationship.

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Expert Advice: Rachel Cruze on Helping vs. Enabling

Rachel Cruze’s Insights
Rachel emphasizes the importance of discerning when to help and when to hold back to prevent enabling. She acknowledges the emotional complexity of such decisions and provides practical advice on setting boundaries.

• Notable Quotes:
  • [01:26] “Not every chance we have to give is going to be the right situation to give.”
  • [05:00] “Just because there's a family member who is in need and is asking does not mean that we automatically have to or you're a terrible person.”

Key Recommendations:

1. Direct Assistance: Instead of giving money directly, Rachel suggests paying the landlord or handling specific expenses to ensure funds are used appropriately.
2. Setting Boundaries: If direct assistance is not feasible, it's completely acceptable to say no, thereby preventing the perpetuation of dependency.
3. Encouraging Growth: Help should extend beyond financial support. Rachel advocates for providing resources that promote self-sufficiency, such as job opportunities, budgeting tools, and therapy.

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Practical Strategies: George Kamel’s Approach

George Kamel’s Guidance
George supports Rachel’s suggestions by highlighting the importance of intentional giving. He advises Sierra to take control of how her assistance is utilized to mitigate the risk of enabling.

• Notable Quotes:
  • [03:23] “...give me the landlord's name. I'll work with him directly to handle the deposit.”
  • [08:21] “Giving should be intentional, just like spending or saving.”

Actionable Steps:

1. Direct Payments: George recommends that Sierra offers to pay the landlord directly, ensuring that the funds are allocated specifically for housing purposes.
2. Clear Communication: Establishing clear terms and expectations with her niece about how the assistance will be used can help maintain accountability.
3. Intentional Giving: Treating financial support with the same deliberation as budgeting or saving reinforces responsible financial habits.

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Sierra’s Reflection and Resolution

Sierra’s Response
After discussing with Rachel and George, Sierra acknowledges the need to balance her desire to help with the necessity of setting boundaries to prevent enabling. She contemplates having an open and honest conversation with her niece to discuss sustainable ways to support her without fostering dependency.

• Notable Quotes:
  • [07:38] “I think that just even having a, you know, we've kind of chatted back and forth and I've kind of gone a bit a bit radio silent actually, just to sort of discern and pray about this.”
  • [08:07] “I've, you know, and I've kind of turned the corner where I feel like I have to, oh, I can help there. I can help.”

Planned Actions:

1. Open Dialogue: Sierra plans to engage in a meaningful conversation with her niece to explore ways to support her that encourage personal growth.
2. Direct Support with Boundaries: Considering her location in Canada with free healthcare, Sierra contemplates assisting with essential needs like baby care while ensuring that support does not extend to non-essential expenses.
3. Spiritual and Emotional Support: Beyond financial assistance, Sierra aims to provide emotional encouragement and resources that promote her niece’s independence and well-being.

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Conclusion: Intentional Generosity

The episode underscores the importance of intentional and strategic generosity when assisting family members. By setting clear boundaries and focusing on sustainable support, individuals can help loved ones without enabling destructive behaviors. Rachel Cruze and George Kamel offer practical solutions that empower both the giver and the recipient, fostering healthier and more autonomous relationships.

• Final Thoughts:
  • [08:24] Rachel emphasizes, “Money is a tool to help, but we want to help and not enable.”
  • [08:32] George concludes, “Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.”

Listeners are encouraged to approach financial assistance with mindfulness and purpose, ensuring that their support leads to positive and lasting change.

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Speaker Attribution:

• Sierra: Caller seeking advice
• Rachel Cruze: Financial expert providing guidance
• George Kamel: Co-host offering additional strategies

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Rachel Cruze [01:26]: “Not every chance we have to give is going to be the right situation to give.”
• Rachel Cruze [05:00]: “Just because there's a family member who is in need and is asking does not mean that we automatically have to or you're a terrible person.”
• George Kamel [03:23]: “...give me the landlord's name. I'll work with him directly to handle the deposit.”
• George Kamel [08:21]: “Giving should be intentional, just like spending or saving.”
• Rachel Cruze [08:24]: “Money is a tool to help, but we want to help and not enable.”

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This episode provides valuable insights for anyone grappling with the challenges of supporting family members while maintaining healthy boundaries. By implementing the strategies discussed, listeners can strike a balance between generosity and self-preservation, fostering positive outcomes for all parties involved.

Transcript

[Sierra]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app.

[George]

Start budgeting for free today.

[Sierra]

So, you know, I understand that you guys promote outrageous giving and I am in a position in my life where I'm able to do so. But I, you know, I also think about cheerfully giving and where do you draw the line? So I recently had a niece who reached out to me to help her with her down payment on a new apartment. She did state that she just found out she was pregnant. She hadn't told anyone, but just shared that with me. But has a past of asking a lot of family members, including me, in the past, for money, potentially for drugs and bad boyfriend experiences. And I feel like there's a bit of manipulation in terms of making sure I'm the only one who's been told about her pregnancy where we don't really have a solid relationship either. But my sister, her mom had passed away when she was seven and unfortunately, dad and stepmom didn't treat her well. So I feel some sort of an obligation and like I said, I'm in a position to. But where do you draw the line? Where do you draw the line on being carefully giving. Well, and sort of that, you know, that nagging.

[Rachel]

Sure. Yeah. Because you're, you don't want to enable. And that's a little bit of the feeling with this situation. So not every chance we have to give is going to be the right situation to give. Just because the opportunity is there doesn't mean that we actually have to take it. And I think this would be a situation that, you know, finding that balance between helping and enabling. You know, on this show we are always teetering on that line because a lot comes into play. Right. To decide that actual boundary. There's not this, like, hard and fast rule. But I think what you have to discern in the situation is how can you best help her. And I think acknowledging, you know, her situation is hard. Right. And I, I mean, I think there is a level of like, yeah, if she's not done any level of healing or growth, like having having a parent die at a young age like that, and then being in a toxic situation growing up, it's kind of like, yeah, of course this is probably her road. Right. Unless she decides to do something different. And I think that's would be your hope as her aunt, is that she can start to make different choices with her life. Because if she continues to be consistent in these choices, she's going to keep getting what she's been getting. And it's not a fruitful, peaceful Life. Right. She's right. She's not feeling that. So when it comes to the financial side of it, you know, how can you best love her? Well, and help but not enable is the big question.

[Sierra]

Right. So one of my thoughts was, hey, happy to help, but I'd like to directly pay your potential landlord.

[Rachel]

Yes.

[George]

You know, now when you said down payment, is she trying to buy a.

[Sierra]

House, going to the right place? No, it's for an apartment. So like a deposit, you know, how you to put first and last month's rent.

[George]

Oh, yeah. I do think that is one of the best ways to help is to do it directly because you don't know if she's going to use this for something else. So say, yeah, I'd be happy to help. Give me the landlord's name. I'll work with him directly to handle the deposit.

[Sierra]

Okay.

[George]

So you could do it that way. You can also say no. That's also an okay answer.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[George]

I don't know that anyone's told her no.

[Sierra]

Yeah. And you know, she has no one else, like, I think a lot of people have said no, but because of her bad behavior previously.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[George]

And yeah, she just moves on to the next person. And bank of Sierra was up next.

[Sierra]

That's right.

[George]

What's your relationship like with her? Are you involved in her life at all or is it just. You hear from her when she needs money.

[Sierra]

We've. We kind of go on and off. So, you know, dad had cut us out of their life. We held financial money from when my sister passed that it wasn't to be given until they were 21. So when we reconnected when they were both her and her brother were 21, to give them the money, they, you know, they were told that we stole the money, but that wasn't the case. Yeah, it's a horrible, horrible. I mean, I could. It would take me days, but I'm so sorry. Anyways. Yeah. And so they did get the money. And at that point, we thought we were sort of, you know, kindling, you know, building of a relationship that was broken. And then from there it just, you know, she spent the money, I guess within three months and started asking people for money. And we understood that she had a boyfriend in her life that was deep into gangs and drugs. So we, you know, when. When she asked, I said, I'd love to buy your groceries, but can I take you to the grocery store? And then she wouldn't respond to you.

[Rachel]

Okay, there you go.

[George]

I think this is your way out, is to start giving Directly. And if she says nope, then, you know, the red flags were there and you did the right thing and your conscious stays clean.

[Rachel]

Yeah. And Sierra, what George said earlier too, like, I do want you to have permission that this is your money and you want to see being used in the best, wisest way. Right. I mean, I think there is a responsibility there. And. And I'll say with the caveat, you know, just because there's a family member who is in need and is asking does not mean you automatically have to or you're a terrible person. Right. So you could have your own conviction of that you don't want it.

[Sierra]

Right.

[Rachel]

That you don't want to give or your heart may be. And again, I think this is up to you. This is not a right or wrong. I think it's just two different options. It's either like, I don't feel good about this. I don't. The responsibility doesn't feel right to me. I don't like it, and I just don't feel good engaging it. So that's. That is one option. And then the other is that you love her and you're like, no, I do want to be able to help. I just want to do it in the right way. So that right way to me would be going straight to the landlord and helping with food, shelter, utilities, transportation, like the four walls, you know, helping her in those ways, not going on vacation or something like that, and then talking to her and saying, you know, because I love you so much, like, I want to see you do better so you're not having to depend on people for money. So let's look at job opportunities. Let's look at doing a budget. Let's put you through financial Peace University and go through and learn how to manage money. Like, I also want to give you these resources. You know, maybe you pay for therapy for her.

[Sierra]

Right.

[Rachel]

I mean, like, seriously, I don't know what. What else is out there, but it's like tools to help her become a healthier person. How can we do that and sustain that? Right. So. So that. That's option B, but option A is okay too. Sierra, I want you to feel that. Like that that is up to you.

[Sierra]

Yeah.

[Rachel]

But then there be if you feel that way. But I think what you're saying is wise is going, you know, straight to. To the things that you can help and even, you know, and it's. And it's so sad, but it's the reality. You know, she's pregnant. So, like, I don't know what health insurance looks like for her and all of that. So it's like there's a part like we need to understand the reality we live in, niece, whatever her name is. But also maybe Sarah, you say, I feel like I do want to give and maybe it's maybe through the medical baby route and you help pay for medical bills, you know, to help with that. Right. So, like, I think there's ways to help her, but also helping her to become a healthier whole person in the process is going to be the best gift that you can give her.

[Sierra]

Yeah, I really like that because I think I haven't taken time to do that and I think I was also struggling. I'm kind of in a position in my life where I haven't always outrageously given. Right. Like, I've, you know, and I've kind of turned the corner where I feel like I have to, oh, I can help there. I can help.

[Rachel]

Yes.

[Sierra]

Like, I think I was trying to find that balance. And so I think that just even having a, you know, we've kind of chatted back and forth and I've kind of gone a bit. A bit radio silent actually, just to sort of discern and pray about this. I think that answer is, is just, you know, just having a proper conversation with her and how she can grow and sort of determine from there, but also maybe directly help her with the four walls. We have free healthcare in Canada, so baby care.

[Rachel]

Oh, that's true. Good. Okay, good. Yeah, that's great. That' fantastic. Yeah. Well, I love your heart, Sierra. And I think, you know, this is the thing about money. It's a tool to help, but we want to help and not enable. And with family members, I think it's sometimes that hard line that can happen.

[George]

Giving should be intentional, just like spending or saving.

[Rachel]

Yep, that's right.

[George]

You're doing this the right way.

[Rachel]

Yeah, for sure. Sarah, thanks so much for the call. Well, that puts this hour of the Ramsey show in the books. We'll be back.

[George]

Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.