I Have To Ask My Fiancé Anytime I Need Money

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights

Episode: "I Have To Ask My Fiancé Anytime I Need Money"

Release Date: March 15, 2026
Host: Ramsey Network (featuring Ramsey personalities, including Dave Ramsey)
Guest: Jennifer (Listener/Caller)

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Episode Overview

This episode addresses a listener’s distressing experience of having no direct access to her household’s finances. Jennifer, a stay-at-home mom, describes her fiancé’s total control over money and her need to ask for funds—even for basic necessities. The hosts dig deep into the implications, identifying financial abuse, exploring emotional barriers to change, and offering practical advice for regaining independence.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Nature of the Problem

• Jennifer's Situation:

  • She has been a stay-at-home mother for six years and has never had access to the family's bank accounts. Every expense, from groceries to personal items, requires explicit permission and an exact requested amount from her fiancé.
    • Quote:

      "If I need money for groceries, for the kids, for myself, then I have to ask for it and it has to be the exact amount that I'm spending." — Jennifer, [00:53]

• Repeated Denial of Access:

  • Despite requesting access multiple times over the years, Jennifer's fiancé refuses. The only alternative he offers is an allowance, still with no transparency into accounts.
    • Quote:

      "It's 100% no. If I want, he can give me some sort of allowance, but 100% no access to his account." — Jennifer, [01:24]

Hosts' Reactions and Framing

• Clear Labeling as Financial Abuse:

  • The hosts immediately categorize this as financial abuse, emphasizing that Jennifer's lack of autonomy is both abnormal and unhealthy.
    • Quote:

      "This is financial abuse." — Host A, [02:06]
      "You're basically a child to him is how he's functioning in the relationship." — Host C, [02:27]

• Emotional and Verbal Abuse

  • The discussion probes for broader abuse patterns, to which Jennifer denies physical abuse, but emotional manipulation is evident.
    • Quote:

      "Does he abuse you just verbally and emotionally or is there more?" — Host A, [05:14]

Barriers to Change and Jennifer's Feelings

• Staying for the Children:

  • Jennifer isn't sure why she stays, but suspects concern for her young kids is a main reason.
    • Quote:

      "I think maybe the children, if I'm being completely honest." — Jennifer, [03:40]

• Fear of Starting Over:

  • She mentions a fear of leaving with nothing but what she can carry.
    • Quote:

      "I will literally walk out with what I have on my back." — Jennifer, [07:32]

• Internalized Guilt and Isolation:

  • Jennifer calls herself a burden and is hesitant to seek help from her support network.
    • Quotes:

      "It's something I don't wish to burden on them." — Jennifer, [06:59]
      "You believe lies too long, that you're a burden... And it's all lies that he's put in your mind." — Host A, [07:16]

Practical Next Steps & Empowerment

• Planning for Independence:

  • The hosts recommend Jennifer immediately open her own checking account and consider remote work to build financial stability without her fiancé’s knowledge.
    • Quote:

      "You need to set up your own checking account and have a plan on what does this look like to get out." — Host C, [05:23]

• Legal Advice:

  • They encourage her to research her rights, including possible common law marriage protections and potential claims to shared assets.
    • Quotes:

      "Depending on the state, there's some type of common law marriage... you could actually go through proceedings and get something right." — Host C, [05:52]
      "You'd be entitled to assets." — Host A, [05:51]

• Encouragement to Seek Community Support:

  • They urge Jennifer to reach out for help from family, friends, or church, reinforcing she isn't a burden and deserves a better life.
    • Quotes:

      "You're not a burden if they love you. They will be so happy that you asked for help in your time of need." — Host A, [07:06]
      "This would be the time to get as many resources as possible around you, Jennifer." — Host C, [07:12]

• Future-Oriented Mindset:

  • Hosts emphasize self-worth, asking Jennifer to imagine what she wants her life and career to look like in the future. They offer practical resources, including Ken Coleman's book on career discernment.
    • Quote:

      "Who do you want to be, Jennifer? Honestly, when you look at just the world and what you can contribute from a career perspective is going to be huge." — Host C, [07:49]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• "This is financial abuse." — Host A, [02:06]
• "You're basically a child to him is how he's functioning in the relationship." — Host C, [02:27]
• "You have to get a job and pay for childcare on your own because that was your decision. This man is insane. Do you hear yourself?" — Host A, [05:02]
• "You believe lies too long, that you're a burden... And it's all lies that he's put in your mind." — Host A, [07:16]
• "I totally think I deserve better. And I think that's another reason why I haven't stepped out, is because I will literally walk out with what I have on my back." — Jennifer, [07:32]
• "Either this needs to be fixed on a radical level... or you’re gonna have to make a better decision for yourself, Jennifer." — Host C, [06:00]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Jennifer Explains Her Situation: [00:06]–[01:04]
• Hosts Label Financial Abuse: [02:06]–[02:33]
• Discussion on Effects and Barriers (Why She Stays): [03:36]–[04:20]
• Advice on Escaping and Legal Issues: [05:23]–[06:53]
• Encouragement to Build a New Life and Community Support: [07:05]–[08:36]

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

The conversation is empathetic, urgent, and empowering. The hosts combine candid identification of abuse with strategic, actionable advice. They aim to break through Jennifer’s isolation, reinforce her worth, and chart a path to financial and personal independence—highlighting that communities exist to support women like her, and that building a better life is both possible and essential.

For listeners in similar situations, this episode serves as a beacon: financial control in relationships is not normal, and help is available.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

My fiance is the one that is in charge of all the financial aspects of our lives. And anytime I need any type of money, I have to ask for it. So that's my question. How can I make or save money without any other form of accessing money?

[A]

I don't think that is the solution to this problem and you know that too. This is a band aid that you have to go make money as a stay at home mother because he doesn't give you any access. How long has this been going on?

[B]

It's always been on and off since I became a stay at home mom six years ago.

[A]

Six years?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Goodness gracious. Okay, when you say he controls the finances, you have no access to the bank accounts?

[B]

No, not. None whatsoever. If I need money for groceries, for the kids, for myself, then I have to ask for it and it has to be the exact amount that I'm spending.

[C]

Okay. And Jennifer, I'm sure throughout six years you have asked him for access, correct?

[B]

Yeah, I've asked him for money for access and I've asked him for money.

[C]

What does he say when he, when you're like, hey, I need access to our checking, I need a debit card, I need, I need to be able to live. What does he say?

[B]

It's 100% no. If I want, he can give me some sort of allowance, but 100% no access to his account.

[C]

What's causing you to stay in this relationship besides the obvious? You guys have kids together and everything, but what has caused you to be in functioning like this for six years?

[B]

Honestly, I'm not too sure you'd be

[A]

better off getting alimony and child support. At least that's forced through the courts. And you can do what you want with the money without having an adult chaperone.

[B]

I've heard that before. I've been told that before.

[C]

Yeah. So Jennifer, you're in a pretty toxic relationship that probably goes beyond money.

[A]

This is financial abuse.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

There's no other way to say it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. You're two adults that are in basically a marriage. You're not legally married, but you have kids together. You've been together for six years. One of you is a stay at home parent and you don't have there, there's no shared equity in the household.

[A]

He doesn't trust you.

[C]

You're basically a child to him is how he's, is how he's functioning in the relationship.

[A]

And so at least the babysitter Gets paid without having to ask. This is the crazy part that he's made you think this is normal and it's okay. And it's just. Well, this is just the way he is. He's a little controlling sometimes.

[B]

And then his thing is like me asking is like me telling him. But it doesn't feel that way, you know? So.

[C]

No, it doesn't feel that way. Cause that's not true. So I want to know from you, Jennifer, what's causing you to stay with this man?

[A]

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[C]

What's causing you to. To stay with this man?

[B]

I'm not too sure. I think maybe the children.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

If I'm being completely honest.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think it's a bigger question for you, Jennifer, on what do you want life to look like in the next two years, five years, ten years for you? And that's a really, really scary question, I think, always. Because what the answer is. What? I think you know, what the answer is going to mean. A lot of hard and new change in your life. And so if I were you, how old are your kids?

[B]

Six, four and one.

[C]

Oh, gosh. Okay. Okay. If I were. If I woke up in your shoes, yes. You're going to need money to be able to get out. And. And so I would start looking probably today. Well, and here's the horrible thing is, if he finds out, what's he gonna say? Does he tell you to go get a job? Is he like, you need to go make your own money or would he? What would his response be for you having a job?

[B]

Oh, no, no, no hesitation. He says, if you wanna get a job, go ahead. It doesn't bother me. The only thing is you'd have to pay for childcare because you're the one that wants the job.

[A]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So you have to get a job and pay for childcare on your own because that was your decision. This man is insane. Do you hear yourself?

[B]

I do.

[A]

Does he abuse you just verbally and emotionally or is there more?

[B]

No, there isn't more.

[A]

Well, there's enough where that came from.

[C]

Well, so, yeah. You're going to. I would be finding a way to make money. Jennifer. You need to set up your own checking account and you need to have a plan on what does this look like to get out of this relationship. And depending on the state, there's some type of common law marriage, you know, depending on. And I think it's state by state, but even if you decided to leave in some states, I don't know, Colorado's laws that you actually. It could be seen as a. Basically a common law marriage.

[A]

You'd be entitled to assets.

[C]

Yes. That you could actually go through proceedings and. And get something right. If you guys have a house together, cars, checking account, retirement accounts, all of it. So I would look into that kind of thing if leaving. Which is what. Either this needs to be fixed on a radical level, which you can't fix him. But either the relationship has to have a complete 180, a full repentance, and him pleading for your forgiveness because of what. What he's done to you. Horrible. It's horrible. Or you're gonna have to make a better decision for yourself, Jennifer. You know?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So. So, yeah, I would be opening up my own checking account. If there's a way to work from home for a little bit and get an income in and create some stability and then whatever that next move is for you, at least that gives you a pad to step out on so you're not just drowning with no money. Right. Having some resources is gonna be helpful.

[A]

Do you have any friends, family, church that could help support you through this?

[B]

I do, but it's something I don't wish to burden on them.

[C]

No, it's not a burden.

[A]

You're not a burden if they love you. They will be so happy that you asked for help in your time of need.

[C]

Yeah. This would be the time to get as many resources as possible around you, Jennifer.

[A]

And you believe lies too long, that you're a burden that no one else has to deal with this. It's just my burden to bear. And. And it's all lies that he's put in your mind.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you believe them for so long that you don't know another way. You don't know another life. But I think you deserve better, don't you?

[B]

I totally do. I totally think I deserve better. And I think that's another reason why I haven't stepped out, is because I will literally walk out with what I have on my back.

[C]

Yeah. And that's where friends, family and community really step up too.

[B]

Right.

[C]

So I would be leaning into those conversations and I would. I would start thinking of who you want to be, Jennifer. I mean, honestly, when you look at just the world and the. Which you can contribute from a career perspective is going to be huge. And Ken's book, find the work you're wired to do, we're gonna give you a copy of that just. Just to get your mind to those wheels start to turn. Because if you have not been in the workforce for, you know, an extended period of time, sometimes you forget of like, okay, what do I enjoy? What am I passionate about? How can I help? But that's a. That's a really big answer to a really urgent problem, though. So hear the urgency in us that this relationship is. Is pretty damaged and you don't need to be part of it if it continues down the road like this.

[A]

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