I Know That I’m Enabling My Kids

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights – "I Know That I’m Enabling My Kids"

Introduction

In the December 27, 2024 episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, hosted by the Ramsey Network, the focus centers on a heartfelt and pressing issue: parents enabling their adult children financially, hindering their independence and personal growth. This episode delves deep into the emotional and financial challenges faced by parents who struggle to balance support with fostering self-sufficiency in their grown children.

Caller’s Dilemma: Teresa’s Story

Teresa, a concerned mother, reaches out seeking guidance. She shares her predicament of having grown children who remain financially dependent:

• Financial Strain: Teresa is on Baby Step Two of Dave Ramsey’s financial plan but feels stuck. She has overachieved on Baby Step One but cannot progress due to continued financial support for her children. Her 30-year-old son works part-time, struggles to find full-time employment, and has a three-page resume that seemingly does not reflect any specialized skills or education. Additionally, Teresa is managing a student loan from her daughter’s previous education and is grappling with the decision to support her daughter’s return to school in January.

• Emotional Burden: Teresa acknowledges the emotional toll, mentioning her son’s history of abuse, PTSD, and bipolar issues, which have impeded his ability to secure stable employment and maintain independence. She expresses a genuine fear of her children potentially ending up homeless if she stops providing financial support.

Dave Ramsey’s Guidance: Setting Boundaries

Dave Ramsey approaches Teresa’s situation with empathy and practical advice:

1. Acknowledging Enabling Behavior:

   • “100% of enablers are sweet people. You are a sweet person. You are devastating your children. You’re hurting them.” [02:42]
   • Ramsey emphasizes that enabling, though well-intentioned, ultimately harms the children by preventing them from gaining independence and dignity.

2. Establishing Clear Boundaries:

   • “All enablers are the nicest people.” [07:14]
   • He advises Teresa to set a definitive end date for financial support, such as February or March, making it clear to her children that they will no longer receive monetary assistance after this period.
   • Ramsey suggests communicating this decision with love and support, ensuring her children understand it stems from a place of fostering their independence rather than abandonment.

3. Encouraging Self-Reliance:

   • “They have the dignity of having stood on their own two feet like adults. You are taking their dignity away from them.” [02:21]
   • He urges Teresa to view this transition as an act of love, helping her children reclaim their self-worth and responsibility.

4. Professional Support:

   • Ramsey recommends Teresa seek therapy to navigate the emotional complexity of this transition, especially given her children’s mental health challenges.
   • “Go see a therapist.” [03:59]

Insights from Chris: Financial Reality Check

Chris, another expert on the show, adds depth to the conversation:

• Financial Limitations: He points out that Teresa is currently in Baby Step Two and facing financial constraints, making it unrealistic to continue supporting her children without jeopardizing her own financial stability.
• Empathetic Understanding: While acknowledging the difficulty of the situation, he reinforces the necessity of prioritizing Teresa’s financial health over continued financial aid to her children.
• “As a mom, it’s devastating. That would be so difficult if you really did believe…” [07:25]

Strategic Implementation: Dave’s Action Plan

Dave Ramsey outlines a step-by-step plan for Teresa:

1. Set a Firm Deadline: Choose a specific date (e.g., March 1st) to cease all financial support.
2. Communicate Clearly: Explain to her children that while she will always offer love, prayers, and emotional support, monetary assistance will end on the set date.
   • “This is a contract. And then follow it up with an email just reminding you what I told you over Christmas.” [05:38]
3. Offer Alternative Support: Emphasize non-financial support, such as providing meals or emotional encouragement, to reassure her children of her continued care.
   • “I’ll be here to cry with you. If you need a meal, come over, I’ll feed you dinner.” [05:19]
4. Maintain Consistency: Firmly adhere to the decision, avoiding any backtracking that could undermine the boundaries set.

Notable Quotes

• “You are taking their dignity away from them.” – Dave Ramsey [02:21]
• “100% of enablers are sweet people. You are a sweet person. You are devastating your children. You’re hurting them.” – Dave Ramsey [02:42]
• “This is a contract. And then follow it up with an email just reminding you what I told you over Christmas.” – Dave Ramsey [05:38]
• “All enablers are the nicest people.” – Dave Ramsey [07:14]

Conclusion: Empowering Parents to Foster Independence

This episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights serves as a crucial guide for parents like Teresa who struggle with the delicate balance of supporting their adult children without fostering dependency. Dave Ramsey provides compassionate yet firm strategies to help parents set necessary boundaries, encouraging their children to achieve financial independence and personal dignity. Through clear communication, strategic planning, and emotional support, parents can transition away from enabling behaviors and towards empowering their children to stand on their own.

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize Enabling: Understand how financial support, while well-intentioned, can prevent children from developing independence.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Establish firm deadlines for ending financial assistance to encourage self-sufficiency.
• Communicate with Love: Convey decisions with empathy, emphasizing support beyond financial aid.
• Seek Professional Help: Utilize therapy to navigate the emotional complexities of changing family dynamics.
• Prioritize Financial Health: Ensure parental financial stability to maintain overall family well-being.

By following the guidance provided in this episode, parents can make informed decisions that promote healthier, more independent futures for their adult children.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Teresa]

I have grown children that I need off my payroll and I'm on baby step two. I've over saved, actually on one and I can't seem to get any further because I have a 30 year old that works part time. He says he can't find a job. His resume is three pages long. He has no education, no skills per se. His father, we can go way back, was abusive. So he was put in a mental place for a while for PTSD and some bipolar issues. So when he gets out of that. And now we don't have a full time job. My daughter is wanting to start back to school in January and I'm still doing a student loan from when she was doing it before. I don't. I'm. I know I'm enabling and I don't know how to stop and I don't want them living on the street. I can go on for days.

[Dave Ramsey]

Let me help you. If they're 31 and they're on the streets, it's their choice.

[Teresa]

I know.

[Dave Ramsey]

Not yours.

[Teresa]

And I don't know. It's hard. It's. You don't want them to be that way.

[Dave Ramsey]

I don't want them to be that way either, honey.

[Chris]

Well, he has some. I mean, from what you outlined, is he taking care of himself? Himself, like medically. Take care of himself medically though, like take medication? All of it. For bipolar? Like, is he.

[Teresa]

He will. He'll start it and he doesn't take it and he'll start it. He does not. Because that would cause conflict. And I don't. I put him in an apartment. He had a beautiful apartment and I took him out of the beautiful apartment and then I put him in a crap hole. It's literally a crap hole. Thinking he'll win.

[Dave Ramsey]

There's a chance he can afford that. The, the.

[Teresa]

It's still 1200. It's still 1200. I'm still helping pay for it.

[Dave Ramsey]

All right, so what you have to ask yourself is 10 years from today, what is best for him? What is best for your daughter? What is the most loving act you can give them? I'll answer that for you.

[Teresa]

Please do that.

[Dave Ramsey]

They have the dignity. Having stood on their own two feet like adults. You are taking their dignity away from them.

[Teresa]

And I have screamed, cried, prayed. God thinks I'm just being funny now.

[Dave Ramsey]

100% of enablers are sweet people. You are a sweet person. You are devastating your children. You're hurting them.

[Teresa]

I teach. I know better. I know how to make my children at school.

[Dave Ramsey]

You know, if you get it through your head that you're harming them, you'll quit doing it.

[Teresa]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

You've got to actually accept the reality that you're harming them.

[Teresa]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

And once you do that, you'll quit doing it. You wouldn't ever give a drunk a drink. You wouldn't ever give a bag of heroin to a heroin addict. You're. You would never do that. You're too sweet a person. Right?

[Teresa]

Okay. Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

Bringing harm to them.

[Chris]

Yeah. But I will say there, there's a, a level of complication and complexity from what you kind of just outlined that he, he, he has some. He has issues. I mean, he, he spent time in a mental facility. He has mental health.

[Dave Ramsey]

So how long ago?

[Teresa]

Oh, God. So that's been a good five years ago. Okay. And he, they both have this, you know, this abusive father thing going on, but I can't get rid of it. You know, I'm like, let it go, let it go.

[Dave Ramsey]

Go see a therapist. The, the thing, the thing is this, okay? I don't, I'm not suggesting, I'm not suggesting that you're mean spirited or even that you just announce suddenly in a fit of anger that I'm done. I've had it. That's not what we're suggesting. But I would say that I'm going to look at this young man at Christmas and say, and daughter. And daughter and say, okay, I can do 60 more days of this. And so I'm making that number up. You can decide whether you want to do 30 days or 60 days. You can't go longer than 60. I won't let you. All right?

[Teresa]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

But I'm going to support and I'm going to give you some help for the next 60 days. This is your warning. So you need to ramp up to get Ready to receive 0 as of February, as of March 1, the end of February.

[Teresa]

Okay?

[Dave Ramsey]

And you tell them that during Christmas here, and you say, I love you and I'm really so sorry that I have mishandled my relationship with you because it's kept you from going and being all that you want to be. And I'm going to be so proud of you when you go and be all that you're supposed to be. And I'll be cheering for you and I'll be here to cry with you.

[Chris]

And also Theresa.

[Teresa]

Yeah.

[Chris]

And Theresa, you just know you're not in a place to be able to help someone financially. You're in baby step two you're broke. You have debt. Right. I'm like, so. So that's. I mean, that's part of the equation. I mean, honestly. And I think, you know, maybe there's other options if you were on the other side of all of this, financially, of things. Of, like, okay, but you.

[Teresa]

You don't.

[Chris]

You don't have money.

[Dave Ramsey]

If you were a multimillionaire, I would tell you exactly the same thing, though. Though. But you can say, hey, mom's. Mom's broke. And part of the reason I'm broke is I've been supporting these adult children, which is an actual oxymoron. This is a weird phrase we use, adult children. What does that mean? Even. But the. But, yeah. And I'm not able to do it anymore. And I'm not going to do it anymore because I've come to realize that I'm bringing you harm when I'm doing that. And so the good news is, I'm giving you a little warning. The bad news is, as of March 1st, you will receive zero from me going forward except my love, my prayers, and my cheerleading. But there will be no more money after this date. And you set the date and make it very clear. Don't hedge around it and don't go, well, if you can't. No, shut up. Very clear. This is the date. It's a contract. And then follow it up with an email just reminding you what I told you over Christmas. I love you. I'm cheering for you. I'll be here for you. If you need a meal, come over, I'll feed you dinner. But there'll be no more money after March 1st. I'm broke, and I'm having to clean up my mess. And I'm cheering for you to go be your best self.

[Teresa]

Okay. Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

Are you gonna do that because you love them so much? You're gonna make them have their own dignity?

[Teresa]

I love you so much. I'm gonna do that for everybody.

[Dave Ramsey]

You're sweet. You are the sweetest lady. All enablers. Enablers are the nicest people.

[Chris]

But it's. But it's so. I mean, Teresa, seriously, though, I'm like. As a mom, it's. It's devastating. I mean, like, it. That would be so difficult if you really did believe. If I'm not helping my child, they're gonna be on the street.

[Dave Ramsey]

If you really do.

[Chris]

Like, if you don't.

[Dave Ramsey]

If you don't believe that you're bringing them harm, you're not facing reality.

[Chris]

I know.

[Dave Ramsey]

Because it's not a sustainable life to live without dignity.

[Chris]

I hear you. I know, but it's just a work ethic. Empathizing with Teresa, it's hard.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's why you bought your own milk shortly after getting out from under my control. I don't buy stuff anymore. You're you. Go. Make your own.

[Chris]

Oh, I know.

[Dave Ramsey]

Make your own way, little pig.

[Chris]

I know.

[Dave Ramsey]

Make your own way. There's a big bad wolf out there. Be careful. Make your own way. I'll be cheering for you. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.