I’m Concerned About a Struggling Family Member

Summary

Summary of "I’m Concerned About a Struggling Family Member" - The Ramsey Show Highlights

Release Date: March 9, 2025

In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, host Dave Ramsey and guest Rachel Cruze delve into a caller Emily's heartfelt dilemma concerning an estranged family member facing financial hardship. The discussion navigates the complexities of family obligations, sustainable assistance, and personal boundaries.

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Caller’s Concern

Emily's Situation [00:06] Emily reaches out seeking advice on a sensitive family matter. She explains that after 15 years of estrangement, her uncle, who lived with her recently deceased grandmother, has resurfaced following her passing. With her uncle unemployed and dependent solely on her grandmother's Social Security and life insurance—which have now been exhausted—Emily and her immediate family are faced with his implied need for financial support. Although her uncle hasn't explicitly asked for help, his hints about struggling with bills and groceries have left Emily uncertain about how to respond.

Key Quote:

"He's dropping hints to us as the family, saying, well, I don't know how I'm going to, like, make these payments. I don't know, like, where my grocery bills are coming from."
— Emily [00:06]

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Initial Reactions and Concerns

Rachel’s First Response [01:07] Rachel Cruze offers an initial reaction, suggesting that Emily shouldn't be overly concerned. She emphasizes the importance of individual responsibility, implying that her uncle should find employment to alleviate his financial issues.

Key Quote:

"I can get his groceries paid for. He can get a job. Ta da."
— Rachel Cruze [01:07]

Emily’s Clarification [01:16] Emily counters Rachel's suggestion by revealing that her uncle has a health condition, which may impede his ability to secure employment. She expresses skepticism about the legitimacy of his health claims, suspecting it might be a tactic to elicit sympathy and financial support.

Key Quote:

"He's not sure that he's going to be working because he does have a health condition. What is it prohibiting him? I'm not exactly sure... I think he's just trying to use it as a guilt trip."
— Emily [01:16]

Dave’s Agreement [01:34] Dave Ramsey acknowledges Emily's perspective, indicating he agrees with her assessment that the health condition might not be as severe as portrayed.

Key Quote:

"Exactly."
— Dave Ramsey [01:34]

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Exploring Family Obligations

Rachel’s Probing Questions [01:38] Rachel challenges Emily to reflect on why she feels compelled to assist her uncle, especially after years of estrangement. She prompts Emily to consider the dynamics of giving her uncle a "voice" in their family interactions.

Key Quote:

"Why are you giving him a voice?"
— Rachel Cruze [01:38]

Emily’s Moral Dilemma [02:13] Emily explains her moral conflict, expressing a desire to uphold personal integrity and support family members in need. She grapples with the notion of aiding someone who may not genuinely seek help, balancing compassion with skepticism.

Key Quote:

"It's a moral issue. I always want to try and be like, the best that you can be... but I'm also kind of like the person that's like, well, I do have a little bit that I could contribute towards this."
— Emily [02:13]

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Advice from the Hosts

Dave’s Financial Perspective [02:13] Dave probes further into what form of assistance Emily is considering, distinguishing between short-term aid and sustainable support.

Key Quote:

"What would that be? If you did help him, what would that look like?"
— Dave Ramsey [02:13]

Emily’s Proposal [02:21] Emily contemplates contributing to funeral expenses, recognizing the immediate need but also wary of establishing a long-term financial obligation.

Key Quote:

"Maybe I can give you, like, so much money towards, like, her burial or something like that... because they're struggling even to come up with funds for that."
— Emily [02:21]

Dave’s Guidance on Sustainable Help [05:30] Dave emphasizes the importance of sustainable assistance, cautioning against temporary fixes that don’t address the root causes of financial instability. He suggests focusing on solutions that empower her uncle to become self-sufficient, such as providing resources for financial education.

Key Quote:

"If the issue is he doesn't have income coming in and he's not looking to get income coming in... what can we do? What would it look like to help in a real way that's long term?"
— Dave Ramsey [05:30]

Rachel’s Emphasis on Family Coordination [04:32] Rachel advises Emily to collaborate with other family members, particularly parents, to present a united and strategic approach to assisting their uncle. She warns against allowing personal discomfort to dictate the decision, reinforcing that feeling uneasy doesn’t equate to making the wrong choice.

Key Quote:

"I would take my cues from a struggling uncle's brother and sister... I would work through my parents and just know that feeling uncomfortable does not mean your decision is wrong."
— Rachel Cruze [04:32] & [06:54]

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Conclusion and Resources Offered

Practical Solutions [06:54] In response to Emily's internal struggle, Rachel offers a tangible solution by providing an electronic version of Financial Peace University. This resource aims to equip her uncle with the necessary tools to manage his finances independently, effectively giving him a "fishing rod and some bait" to develop his financial autonomy.

Key Quote:

"I'll send you Financial Peace University uncle for free... it's going to walk you step by step how to take control of your financial future."
— Rachel Cruze [06:57]

Final Thoughts [07:36] Dave wraps up by reiterating the importance of proactive budgeting and financial planning, directing listeners to use the EveryDollar app for managing their finances effectively.

Key Quote:

"Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life."
— Dave Ramsey [07:36]

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Key Takeaways

1. Assess the Nature of the Request: Distinguish between explicit requests for help and implied needs, ensuring clarity before offering assistance.
2. Sustainable Support Over Temporary Aid: Focus on solutions that promote long-term financial independence rather than short-term fixes.
3. Family Coordination: Collaborate with other family members to develop a unified and effective approach to assisting estranged relatives.
4. Utilize Available Resources: Leverage tools and programs, such as Financial Peace University, to provide structured support that empowers individuals to manage their finances.

This episode reinforces the importance of thoughtful, sustainable assistance within family dynamics, emphasizing personal responsibility and strategic support mechanisms.

Transcript

[Emily]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app.

[Dave]

Start budgeting for free today.

[Emily]

I've been kind of struggling with this question. It's more of a family matter than mine personally, but I'm really looking to get your insight on it. So we had estranged family members for, like, the last 15 years that recently reached out within the last two weeks because one of them passed away and the other needs financial support, but they're not explicitly looking for it. So basically what it looks like is the relation to me is that my grandmother passed away and my uncle had been living with my grandmother, and it was just the two of them for the last period of time, and my uncle basically had no job, so they were living off of her Social Security and her life insurance that we found after she passed, and essentially there's nothing left. And he's dropping hints to us as the family, saying, well, I don't know how I'm going to, like, make these payments. I don't know, like, where my grocery bills are coming from. He's not explicitly asking for things, but it's the way that he's phrasing things that is making us concerned that he's looking to us to be his savior.

[Rachel]

I wouldn't be concerned at all, like, because I know how this. I know how I can get his groceries paid for. He can get a job. Ta da.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Rachel]

Right.

[Emily]

Well, he's. He. He says that he can get a job. He's not sure that he's going to be working because he does have a health condition. What is it prohibiting him? I'm not exactly sure. I don't know all of the details on exactly what it is. I personally don't even believe that it is a health condition. I think he's just trying to use it as a guilt trip.

[Dave]

Exactly.

[Emily]

But that's my personal view on that. I don't have the facts.

[Dave]

You're probably right.

[Rachel]

So let me ask you this. Why are you letting this person you haven't Talked to in 15 years suddenly have a voice at your kitchen table about your integrity, your character, what you do next? Like, why are you giving him a voice?

[Emily]

It's a moral issue. Like, I. I always want to try and be like, the. The best that you can be. Right. And so I see this person that needs help because they. They were honestly just poor players. They put themselves in this position, and I get that. But I'm also kind of like the person that's like, well, I do have a little bit that I could contribute towards this.

[Dave]

What would you.

[Emily]

I Don't want to.

[Dave]

What would that be?

[Emily]

Yeah, I don't.

[Dave]

What would that be? If, if you did help him, what would that look like?

[Emily]

It would probably look like, well, maybe I can give you, like, so much money towards, like, her burial or something like that, because they're struggling even to come up with funds for that.

[Dave]

Okay, listen, if you wanted to. This is Grandma, right, that we're talking about. If you wanted to help, you know, Grandma's funeral costs, I think that that's fine. I, I, I don't. That part I don't have an issue with. But Uncle Boo Boo is the one that I'm like, okay, what would it look like for you to help him in your mind? If you thought this is my job to step up and help him, what would that have been? Or what would that be in your mind's eye?

[Emily]

I think what I'm looking for would be just, like, knowing that I didn't just leave him and that he's just withering away with nothing.

[Rachel]

No, but he hasn't even asked you.

[Emily]

No, he hasn't. And I guess that's kind of where part of my struggle is coming from, too, is that he's not asking for it, but I think he's too proud to ask for help. But I think he needs it, and, I don't know another direction to point him in.

[Dave]

How old is he?

[Emily]

He's probably, I want to say, 62.

[Rachel]

Where's your parents? Where's your mom or dad?

[Emily]

They're right there with them, and they're. They're trying to kind of keep distance as well. They don't want to be the ones that are saving him either, but they're. I think they're looking and they're asking the same question. What. What is our obligation? What should we be doing as Christians? What should we be doing just as family members? I mean, to me, he truly is a stranger, but even a stranger on the street, I'd like to assume I would help.

[Rachel]

Yeah. There's two things that are going through my mind here. Number one, I would take my cues from a struggling uncle's brother and sister. That would be number one. So I would look to my mom and dad, because they're gonna. Whoever he's related to, they're gonna know better than I do.

[Emily]

Right.

[Rachel]

The second thing is, is I am all about helping and supporting and walking alongside and being there for the people in the margins in our world. I also have been humbled dramatically over the last 20 years because of my arrogance and my savior syndrome.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Rachel]

And so when you see somebody that you in your head, tell yourself a story that he needs this, this and this, and I can be the person to come that's less about Christian value and that's more about you in a weird way, using him to make yourself feel whole and okay. He hasn't asked you for help. He hasn't said, we need your help. He's done some passive aggressive dribbling of things here and there. And I would leave that to my mom or my dad, his brother or his sister to step in and say, hey, man, what do you actually need? Like, let them have that communication together. And I, maybe if I was in your case, I'd probably reach out to my dad or to my mom, whoever's closest, and say, hey, I can. We're in a position where we could contribute 500 bucks or a thousand bucks to the, to the funeral if y'all need that. And I'd go that way instead of going to some basically a stranger, a guy who opted out of his niece's life for a decade and a half before I need to go in there and feel like I need to save the situation. Does that make sense?

[Emily]

Yeah, yeah, it does make sense.

[Dave]

There's also an issue of this, just on the financial side of it, that the reason I was asking you before, what would that look like? Is because sometimes we get in moments where like, okay, you know, if I'm gonna help them and what we're trying to help them do is really not sustainable, and long run, it's not helping at all. Like, if the issue is he doesn't have income coming in and he's not looking to get income coming in, you stepping in and paying an electric bill one month, long term is not really a sustainable thing. So it's like, okay, what can we do? What would it look like to help in a real way that's long term? Well, that's probably going to help him find options for him to work. Right. So just reframing, if you did want to help, what that help would be, it might not actually be financially, if that makes sense.

[Emily]

Yeah, and I think that that makes a lot of sense. I think that's kind of what I was kind of sitting on, but I was really debating because, like, I feel sorry for him because of the situation that he put himself in.

[Dave]

Right.

[Emily]

And I, and that's what I'm strugg, like he, he did it to himself that I can help sometimes, but I don't want to help all the time. Like you said, I don't. I don't want this to be a long term thing because as he so nicely put, he did opt out. Yeah. So it is kind of like this struggle, which again was why so blessed to be seeking with OTV today because it's just such an internal struggle for me.

[Rachel]

I would work through my parents and just know that feeling uncomfortable does not mean your decision is wrong.

[Dave]

That's right.

[Rachel]

Thank you. If you're a person of compassion, like hopefully all of us are, anybody who's hurting and we'll go one step further. Okay, so we'll help out here. Emily, hang on the line. We're going to send you an electronic version of Financial Peace University. If the call ever comes that, hey, I need some help with some of this stuff, you can say, hey, we got you. I'll send you Financial Peace University uncle for free. And here's all nine lessons. And it's going to walk you step by step how to take control of your financial future. And that way you're getting giving him a fishing rod and some bait and a place to fish. But he's gonna have to bait the hook and actually throw the line in the water. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

[Dave]

Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.