I'm Confused If I'm In An Abusive Relationship Or Not

Summary

Podcast Summary: "I'm Confused If I'm In An Abusive Relationship Or Not"

Podcast: The Ramsey Show Highlights
Host: Ramsey Network
Date: September 17, 2025

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Overview

In this intense and emotional episode, a female caller seeks guidance about her distressing marriage and whether her situation qualifies as abuse. The conversation turns into an urgent intervention as the Financial Advisor on the show firmly recognizes patterns of abuse—despite the absence of physical violence—and strongly encourages the caller to seek help, get out, and prioritize safety. The episode highlights the complexities of financial and emotional abuse and offers both empathetic support and practical action steps.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Caller’s Situation (00:06 - 03:19)

• The caller, age 36, has been married for 18 years and has three children.
• She describes a codependent relationship and notes isolation due to her mother’s death and a lack of other family support.
• She has been a stay-at-home mom, recently attempting to work as a private care nurse ($25/hr), but faces recurring vehicle problems after expressing a desire for separation.
• The husband controls all repair and maintenance for her vehicles, which has repeatedly undermined her ability to work.
• Financial resources are dictated by the husband, who gives cash via apps for household needs and closely monitors her movements.
• Despite not being physically abused, she describes feeling stuck both financially and emotionally, questioning if the relationship is abusive.

Identifying Non-Physical Abuse (03:19 - 04:53)

• The Financial Advisor zeroes in on whether the husband is actively sabotaging her car, which the caller confirms.
• The host labels the situation as abusive:

  "This is an abusive relationship, okay? Anytime someone calls up and says, 'my spouse is tampering with my car and he's bully and he's controlling and he's only giving me a few dollars,' this is an abusive relationship." (04:03)

• The Advisor urgently insists the caller reach out to a local church or pastor for immediate help, emphasizing the dangers even in the absence of physical violence.

The Extent and Impact of the Abuse (04:53 - 06:13)

• The Financial Advisor rebukes rationalizations and excuses:

  "This is sick. Don't make excuses. This is a mess. It's sick, and you know it. He's tampering with your car. You just said, hello. Somebody's going to die. This is sick. This is wrong." (04:53)

• The Advisor stresses the importance of getting distance, noting that only then can healing (if any) begin—and only if the husband seeks help.

Action Steps and Urgency (06:13 - 07:39)

• The caller shares that her husband verbalizes there are no consequences because he does not hit her, implying a loophole to avoid repercussions.
• The Financial Advisor counters forcefully:

  "Well, they're. They. I don't know who they are, but they are a divorce attorney and he doesn't have his wife and kids anymore. That's who they are. And you go get a job and support yourself and your kid." (06:20)

• The host commits to following up and says:

  "If you were my little sister, I would be over there packing your stuff right now and loading your car up while I argued with you because you kept crawfishing on me." (05:57)

• He calls the husband's behavior "out of control," and repeatedly insists the caller leave immediately:

  “The first time somebody screws with your car, that's in game. We're done. We're done.” (07:00)

• He warns her she’s close to physical danger:

  "You're one step from getting smacked. You're one step from getting your nose broke. You're right. This fuse is really short. I've done this for a long, long time, and I know what I'm doing." (07:13)

Final Thoughts and Reflection (07:39 - End)

• The Financial Advisor underscores that confusion itself is a red flag:

  "One of the signs that you're dealing with evil is there's confusion... evil always confuses. Truth is always clear and crystal clear and knowledgeable. But evil's always got confusion. There's always a circular thing, and you can hear it even in her conversation with herself, how circular it is, and just keeps coming back around again." (08:35)

• He encourages documentation for protection but ultimately emphasizes immediate action, not negotiation.
• The show team pledges to connect her directly to local church resources and keep her accountable for taking these steps.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Financial Advisor (04:03):
  “Anytime someone calls up and says, 'my spouse is tampering with my car and he's bully and he's controlling and he's only giving me a few dollars,' this is an abusive relationship. You are in an abusive relationship. Do you hear me?”

• Financial Advisor (04:53):
  “This is sick. Don't make excuses. This is a mess. It's sick, and you know it...You need to get some help, and you need to get some distance. Only chance this marriage heals is for him to get some help.”

• Financial Advisor (05:57):
  "If you were my little sister, I would be over there packing your stuff right now and loading your car up while I argued with you because you kept crawfishing on me."

• Financial Advisor (07:00):
  “The first time somebody screws with your car, that's in game. We're done. We're done.”

• Financial Advisor (08:35):
  “One of the signs that you're dealing with evil is there's confusion... evil always confuses. Truth is always clear and crystal clear and knowledgeable. But evil's always got confusion.”

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Key Timestamps

• 00:06: Caller describes her codependent, isolated family situation.
• 01:46: Financial stress, loss of financial autonomy, impacts of car sabotage.
• 03:19: Advisor zeroes in on car tampering as abuse.
• 04:03: Declaration: this is an abusive relationship.
• 04:53: Advisor urges immediate help and zero excuses.
• 05:57: Commitment from the host to take actionable steps.
• 07:00: “In game” if car tampering occurs; strong warning.
• 08:35: Insight on confusion as a hallmark of abusive, toxic dynamics.

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Tone & Language

The episode is marked by direct, urgent, and compassionate intervention. The Financial Advisor does not mince words, forcefully rejecting minimization and rationalization of the abuse. His approach emphasizes both empathetic support and a strong call to immediate, practical action, using plain, unequivocal language.

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Summary

This short, high-impact episode brings to light the insidious nature of non-physical abuse—control, financial manipulation, resource deprivation, and psychological intimidation. The host's urgent and clear-eyed approach provides both clarity and a compassionate mandate to act now, ensuring the caller recognizes the need for help and concrete steps toward safety and independence.

Transcript

[Financial Advisor]

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[Caller]

So I am 36. I have three children with the man that I've been married to for 18 years. My mother passed away back in 2013 and that was the only kind of any family whatsoever that I had. So I'm not proud of the fact, but it is a very codependent situation, if you will. I was a stay at home mom until my son started school. He's 10 and he started fifth grade this year. I, I spoke with my husband about two years ago. We brought up the subject of needed marriage, needing marriage counseling, things like that. I discussed with him that I was just not happy with the way that things were and that, you know, I thought we needed to speak with the lawyer or something like that. He's a mechanic, I will say that. And ever since we had that conversation about two years ago, I've had three vehicles, vehicles that have torn up and that has cost me work. And he's the only person that has worked on these vehicles. He's the only person that's maintenance them or that fixed them. If anything has torn up, he gets very upset. I guess you could say I'm kind of confused about whether I'm in an abusive relationship or not because he's not physical with me, but he's kind of taking my resources away in an effort to keep me here instead of trying to work through something for our children so that we can separate and give them a more peaceful environment and financially and resource wise, I'm stuck. He's all that I have and I just don't know where to start trying.

[Financial Advisor]

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[Caller]

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[Financial Advisor]

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[Caller]

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[Financial Advisor]

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[Caller]

I don't earn anything right now. I don't have. The vehicle that I have right now just got fixed two weeks ago. And that is not, I mean, that's a 2006 Nissan Maxima. That's not anything that's dependable itself even though it's been fixed. When I say taking resources away, I very much so mean like he, he's the one that works, he gets paid. He gives me money on cash app each week that I take, you know, to the store and buy what we need for the house and for the kids and stuff. But the money that I get is what he gives me. And if I go anywhere, he knows where I go. Like I said, every time that I've had a job, I was making about 25 an hour. I do private care nursing, and I've been doing that off and on for about six years. But like I said, as soon as I brought up the situation of, you know, I think we need to separate, there started becoming a lot of problems, especially with my transportation back and forth to work.

[Financial Advisor]

Are you saying he's, like, messing with your car? I don't understand. Yes, like, he's actively breaking your car so you can't drive. How old are your children? Baby?

[Caller]

I'm sorry?

[Financial Advisor]

Yeah. How old are your babies?

[Caller]

My. Our youngest, he'll be 11 on the 29th. And then we've got one that'll be 16 on the 24th. And then our oldest, she graduates this year. She's 17. She turns 18 in February.

[Financial Advisor]

Okay. All right.

[Caller]

And it's very. He's a bit of a bully sometimes about it. He makes it very clear.

[Financial Advisor]

So I know. Stop. I'll help you. Stop. This is an abusive relationship, okay? Anytime someone calls up and says, my spouse is tampering with my car and he's bully and he's controlling, and he's only giving me a few dollars, this is an abusive relationship. You are in an abusive relationship. Do you hear me? Okay? So you need to get on the phone and contact a local pastor there in your town and tell them you need some help, and you need to get some help, and you need to do some help to get new housing and get a new life set up. This is not.

[Caller]

This is not negotiable that I'm not trying. That I'm not trying to make a. I mean, the financial statement responsible.

[Financial Advisor]

This is sick. Don't make excuses. This is a mess. It's sick, and you know it. He's tampering with your car. You just said, hello. Somebody's going to die. This is sick. This is wrong. Okay? You need to get some help, and you need to get some distance. Only chance this marriage heals is for him to get some help. And the only chance that happens is if he thinks you're gone because you're gone.

[Caller]

Yeah, there's. There's no healing that. It's just that the resources are.

[Financial Advisor]

No, that's what I'm telling you. I want you to get on the phone, I want you to go see it. Pick out a church that's a good large church in that area. Go sit down with their team, with their team of counselors, their team of pastors, and tell them you don't have any resources and you're in this situation. That's dangerous, and they will help you. You've not been hit, so I don't know if a domestic violence shelter will take you or not, but you could contact one of those as well.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Financial Advisor]

But this is toxic. It's wrong and it's evil. If you were my little sister, I would be over there packing your stuff right now and loading your car up while I argued with you because you kept crawfishing on me.

[Caller]

And I mean, like, he knows that.

[Financial Advisor]

I'm not going to argue with you.

[Caller]

He verbalizes like that. They're not going to do anything because he doesn't put his hands on.

[Financial Advisor]

Well, they're. They. I don't know who they are, but they are a divorce attorney and he doesn't have his wife and kids anymore. That's who they are. And you go get a job and support yourself and your kid.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Financial Advisor]

And you can do that.

[Caller]

The goal. And that's what he's trying to keep me from.

[Financial Advisor]

Like, no kidding.

[Caller]

No kidding is $4,000.

[Financial Advisor]

So you don't have to convince me. I'm already convinced. Didn't take me but a minute and a half. Now you're convincing yourself. Are you going to call a pastor today or not? Yes, today, girl.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Financial Advisor]

Okay. It's gone on long enough. As a matter of fact, it's gone on too long.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Financial Advisor]

The first time somebody screws with your car, that's in game. We're done. We're done.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Financial Advisor]

This is out of control behavior. You're done. All right? So I'm going to put you on hold, and Kelly's going to get your numbers and stuff and we're going to follow up. And if you don't call a pastor, I'm going to start calling people around you, okay? You're going to do this, okay? Because this is not safe for you, girl. You're one step from getting smacked. You're one step from getting your nose broke. You're right. This fuse is really short. I've done this for a long, long time, and I know what I'm doing. So you have got to get some help. This guy might be redeemable, but. But today we're not having that discussion. He's done too many things in this one conversation to earn to, you know, for you to stay in this house, you need to get out of there. And then from that separation point, if y' all want to work on your marriage and he wants to work on his behavior and start being a real man instead of a little twerp, then. Then we can talk about this. But right now, your husband's a twerp. And if he doesn't like that, he can call me. I'll be happy to talk to him about it. I'm not afraid of him, I can tell you that. So, Kelly, you pick up. I want her name and phone number. And then get with the church team and line her up with a couple of pastors, and let's get some help in this girl's life. I think she's going to do it. I don't know. I hope we convinced her that it's a desperate enough situation, and I would. I would start recording some of these conversations. Well, he said they're never gonna. I mean, at least have some documentation to go. Here's what's going on. Yeah, I don't. I don't even need that. I'm just gone. I'm not negotiating with this. There's not. It's not. We're not having a discussion about what happened. It happened. Okay. And so, you know, one of the. One of the signs that you're dealing with evil is there's confusion. If there's confusion in the room. And there's like, I know I said this, and this person is looking at me saying, I did not say it. I know I did it. I went back and wrote it down. I know it happened. And then I'm looking at them later and they're gaslighting, acting like it didn't happen. Now, you know you're dealing with evil because evil always confuses. Truth is always clear and crystal clear and knowledgeable. But evil's always got confusion. There's always a circular thing, and you can hear it, even in her conversation with herself, how circular it is, and just keeps coming back around again. I don't want to come back around through it again. I just want to leave it. The disclaimers, the excuses, out. Get out. Screw in my car. Unbelievable. You little twerp. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.