I'm Fed Up With My Financially Irresponsible Boyfriend (Been Together for 20 years)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights Episode: "I'm Fed Up With My Financially Irresponsible Boyfriend (Been Together for 20 Years)" Host: Ramsey Network Release Date: July 2, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, Sarah reaches out with a heartfelt dilemma about her long-term relationship and her boyfriend's financial irresponsibility. Hosted by the Ramsey Network, experts including Dave Ramsey and Dr. John Delony engage in a candid discussion, offering insights and guidance to help Sarah navigate her complex situation.

Sarah’s Financial and Relationship Struggles

Sarah, a 43-year-old woman, has been in a relationship for 20 years with her 56-year-old boyfriend. Despite their long history, she expresses frustration over his persistent financial irresponsibility:

Sarah [00:02]: "I'm 43. I have a 56-year-old boyfriend. We've been together 20 years, lived together 18. He's financially irresponsible. He's 56 and he's got maybe 8 to $10,000 in retirement."

She highlights ongoing conflicts about money management, including late contributions to his 401(k), which only started after Sarah intervened:

Sarah [00:38]: "We’ve fought, we’ve talked about money, we’ve argued about money. Like he didn’t even put money into his 401k at work until I finally cut my foot down and was like, no, you’re gonna, you have to."

The situation escalates with the revelation of her boyfriend’s financial entanglements involving his mother’s reverse mortgage:

Sarah [01:04]: "His mom had taken out a reverse mortgage on her condo. Took about half a million dollars out because her husband was having really bad medical problems... she's got $440,000 left in the bank."

Sarah is burdened by the prospect of bailing out her boyfriend’s mother, questioning the sustainability of their financial future:

Sarah [01:29]: "He's looking at me and saying we're going to have to bail my mom out. And I'm looking at him like you can’t even afford to retire. What do you mean? Yeah, no."

Financial Independence and Relationship Dynamics

Sarah emphasizes the separation of their finances, maintaining individual bank accounts and managing expenses independently:

Sarah [02:12]: "We never, never combined. We don’t even have shared bank accounts."

Despite having $45,000 in savings and being debt-free, she acknowledges the looming need for a new car, which adds to her financial concerns:

Sarah [02:19]: "I have about $45,000 in savings, about $8,000 in checking... driving a 15-year-old car that's got 220,000 miles on it."

Furthermore, Sarah describes the emotional strain of a sexless relationship, which they attempted to address by opening up the relationship:

Sarah [03:04]: "It’s a sexless relationship. We haven’t had sex in like, I don’t know, nine years. We opened up the relationship, like, eight years ago to try to fix that."

Expert Advice and Insights

Dave Ramsey and Dr. John Delony delve into the complexities of Sarah's situation, offering critical perspectives:

• Decision-Making and Ownership:

  Dave [03:58]: "You’re holding a pen and a blank piece of paper. You get to decide what story you write next."

  John [07:32]: "You’re going to have to choose guilt over resentment... time to switch over and try the guilt lever and go."

• Addressing the Sunk Cost Fallacy:

  Dave [04:38]: "It's going to be hard to break up... You've already given 20 years, and you might as well just have another 50 miserable years."

• Encouraging Support Systems:

  John [07:00]: "It's not your burden to bear... This isn't your mess."

  Dave [07:51]: "Sit down with a friend, maybe a local counselor, and just get all of this stuff out."

The experts emphasize the importance of Sarah prioritizing her well-being over lingering in a toxic relationship due to guilt or entangled financial obligations.

Concluding Guidance

In closing, Dave urges Sarah to take definitive action towards a healthier future:

Dave [07:16]: "Roommates choose to stay. You get to choose... take 100% ownership."

Dr. John Delony offers additional resources to support Sarah’s journey towards personal change:

John [08:11]: "I'm going to send you Dr. John's book 'Own Your Past, Change Your Future' to help walk you through this."

Final Thoughts

This episode underscores the intricate link between financial stability and personal relationships. Sarah's story serves as a poignant reminder of the challenges faced when financial irresponsibility strains long-term partnerships. The expert advice provided highlights the necessity of self-empowerment, seeking support, and making tough decisions to foster a healthier, more secure future.

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Notable Quotes:

• Sarah [00:02]: "He's financially irresponsible. He's 56 and he's got maybe 8 to $10,000 in retirement."
• Dave [03:58]: "You’re holding a pen and a blank piece of paper. You get to decide what story you write next."
• John [07:32]: "You’re going to have to choose guilt over resentment... time to switch over and try the guilt lever and go."
• Dave [07:16]: "Roommates choose to stay. You get to choose... take 100% ownership."
• John [08:11]: "I'm going to send you Dr. John's book 'Own Your Past, Change Your Future' to help walk you through this."

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This comprehensive summary encapsulates Sarah's predicament, the financial and emotional dynamics of her relationship, and the expert advice aimed at empowering her to make transformative decisions for her future.

Transcript

[Sarah]

Brought to you by chm, a biblically based alternative to health insurance. Learn [e-mail] Budget so, kind of backstory. I'm 43. I have a 56 year old boyfriend. We've been together 20 years, lived together 18. He's financially irresponsible. He's 56 and he's got maybe 8 to $10,000 in retirement.

[Dave]

You just said that as though you just figured that out. That was incredible. Like, we've been together for more than half my life and I just had this discovery. How long has he been irresponsible?

[Sarah]

The entire relationship. Like, we've fought, we've talked about money, we've argued about money, we've fought about money. Like he didn't even put money into his 401k at work until I finally cut my foot down and was like, no, you're, you're gonna, you have to. So.

[John]

Well, this sounds fun.

[Dave]

Yeah. Cause can I ask you another question?

[Sarah]

It gets worse.

[Dave]

Oh, okay. Excellent. You're gonna. I'll hand you the shovel back. You keep digging. Go ahead.

[Sarah]

Okay. So I just found out the bombshell is his mom had taken out a reverse mortgage on her condo. Took about half a million dollars out because her husband was having really bad medical problems. She had to put him in hospice and everything. So she took about half a million out eight years ago. And I just found out she's got 4,40,000 left in the bank.

[John]

What does that have to do with you?

[Sarah]

He's looking at me and saying we're going to have to bail my mom out. And I'm looking at him like you can't even report afford to retire. What do you mean? I. Yeah, no.

[John]

How entwined are your finances with his?

[Sarah]

They're completely separate. We never, never combined. We don't even have shared bank accounts.

[John]

Okay. How are you doing financially?

[Sarah]

I wish it was better. I have about $45,000 in savings, about 8,000 in checking. I put money into a 401k at every single job. So.

[John]

Do you have any debt?

[Sarah]

No, but I'm driving a 15 year old car that's got 220,000 miles on it. So probably going to need a new car in the next couple years.

[Dave]

Okay. Go ahead, George.

[John]

No, I'm just, I'm just kind of getting laid of land. So you're completely debt free, savings in the bank. You've been investing for a while and it sounds like you're fed up with him.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John]

And you're. He's trying to drag you into his Mess. And you're going, no, no, no. I'm trying to be fiscally responsible. And you've. You've hitched your wag, your wagon knowingly to this guy.

[Dave]

Actually, you haven't hitched anything other than.

[John]

Emotionally for 20 years.

[Dave]

Yeah, y' all just, like, played Peter Pan.

[John]

Like, are you just Venmoing for kids for, like, rent? How does this work?

[Sarah]

I cut my check for rent. We split the rent 50. 50. He pays utilities. I pay groceries. Yeah.

[John]

Okay.

[Dave]

Does this sound like a romantic relationship?

[Sarah]

Oh, there's so many other problems with the relationship. Like, we. It's a sexless relationship. Like, we haven't had sex in, like, I don't know, nine years. We opened up the relationship, like, eight years ago to try to fix that.

[Dave]

Yeah, that. That usually works whenever couples aren't working out together. Just, like, hooking up with a neighbor always works. That's good.

[Sarah]

That works great.

[Dave]

Okay, so. So here's the deal. Here's a question. Like, he's not on the phone to defend himself. His mother and his parents are having challenges. You're the only person on the call.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dave]

How old are you again?

[Sarah]

43.

[Dave]

43. Let's just pretend you have 50 years left to go. You're not even halfway done yet. You cannot do one single thing about anything that's come before this phone call.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dave]

You're holding a pen and a blank piece of paper. You get to decide what story you write next. End of discussion. Doesn't matter about him. He has shown you his cards. I won't marry you. I won't participate in life with you. I won't do any sort of. Like, I won't live in any sort of reality at all. And there's probably a million reasons why partridge is in a pear tree. We're not going to go through all that. The only thing that matters is you're holding a pen and a blank piece of paper. Do you write next?

[Sarah]

I mean, here.

[Dave]

Here's the deal. It's going to be hard to break up. It's going to be hard to. You're going to have the sunk cost fallacy. Like, I've already given 20 years, and I might as well just have another 50 miserable years. So when I die, I've got 70 miserable. You can do that, and you can also stay in this thing. That's going to be hard. The only options you have is a hard choice. Choose your heart.

[Sarah]

Yeah, I mean, I honestly, like, not even a year ago, I was, like, pricing out what it would cost to, like, get my own.

[Dave]

Hold on, hold on. I don't care about a year ago. I care about right now. A year ago's past.

[Sarah]

Yeah. I just. I just have so much guilt, which is why I haven't left, because I know if I leave, he's financially screwed.

[Dave]

He's a grown man who's made choices for 20 years. For 50 years. Not 50. For about 40 years. He's made. He's made choices.

[Sarah]

Yeah, I mean. Yeah. I mean, I. I want out. I want to know. I had to come to Jesus talk with him six months ago, and I told him I'm not happy.

[Dave]

None of those talks matter. None of those talks matter. Yeah, they don't matter. You've had those for years and years and years and years. You had one when you decided to sleep with other people because you thought that would fix it. You had those when you were like, when are you going to marry me? And he's like, oh, you know. And you've had those and had those and had those and had those. They don't matter. It doesn't. It doesn't work. Of course, he was shocked by the way he's got a great setup.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dave]

He's got a sugar mama that's going to take care of him. He doesn't have to worry about anything. And by the way, he's. This family doesn't even have to worry about anything. You'll just fix it. You always have.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John]

So what's the real reason you're calling today, Sarah? Did you want permission from us? Did you want us to acknowledge that this is crazy?

[Sarah]

Yeah, kind of. And I'm just like. I'm overwhelmed. I'm like. I don't even know what to do.

[Dave]

Do you have any girlfriends in your community that you can just go sit down and just unload on? Just say, hey, I need you just to buckle up because I got a story for you. I don't know what to do. Yeah, okay. You need to do that. I. I'm not going to be on the hook for telling you. You need to leave this guy. That's your choice. You're a grown woman. I'm going to tell you the situation is profoundly unhealthy for everybody involved, and.

[John]

It'S not your burden to bear. I know it feels like that people are going to be mad at you and say, you were supposed to be there for me, but this isn't your mess.

[Dave]

Y' all have been roommates for years. And roommates move out.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dave]

And roommates choose to stay. Just. You get to choose, but I just want you to take 100% ownership, not of all the things we should have said and didn't do. What am I going to do next? And whatever you decide to write is going to be hard.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John]

You'Re going to have to choose guilt over resentment. And there's a lot of resentment that's built up over 20 years of you carrying the load. And it might be time to switch over and try the guilt lever and go. I feel bad. This sucks, but it's better than letting this poison eat me from the inside out.

[Dave]

But I want you to sit down with a friend, maybe a local counselor, and just get all of this stuff out because I want you to go towards something. I want you to go to somebody who cares about you. A new job, new relationship, a new safe place to live. I want you to go towards something. Don't just run into the night screaming because. Because you're going to end up right back in the same situation.

[John]

Hang on the line. Sarah, I'm going to send you Dr. John's book own youn Past, Change youe Future to help walk you through this.

[Sarah]

CHM isn't health insurance, it's a health cost sharing ministry. Check it out for [e-mail] budget.