Is It Unfair To Charge Our 19-Year-Old Rent?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights

Episode: Is It Unfair To Charge Our 19-Year-Old Rent?
Date: October 23, 2025
Host: Ramsey Network (speakers: Dave Ramsey and co-host Ken Coleman)
Duration: ~9 minutes

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Episode Overview

This episode addresses a listener question from Tim in Pennsylvania: Is it too harsh for parents to charge their 19-year-old daughter, who recently failed college and is struggling to find work, $150 per month in rent? The hosts explore themes of tough love, personal responsibility, parenting strategy, and the “failure to launch” phenomenon among young adults. Their advice is candid, no-nonsense, and focused on equipping children to succeed as adults.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: The Listener’s Dilemma ([00:10])

• Tim explains his daughter failed her first year of college, isn’t successful in job searches (in part due to attitude), and is spending through her savings on non-essentials.
• Parents recently told her she must pay $150/month in rent, which she says is "unfair" since she is unemployed.
• The rent money is intended for a future college fund if she decides to return to school.

2. The Principle of Tough Love ([00:56]–[02:38])

• Ken Coleman: Supports charging rent as a tool for motivating responsibility, but adds that being firmer sooner would’ve been better:

  “I think you've probably been a little bit too lax on this situation. But the more you can not bail her out, the more that you can just let her fail. Failure is life's best teacher and it's going to be hard to stand by as parents and watch it. But I think that's what's necessary here.” ([01:23])

• Advocates letting kids experience the consequences of their choices so they mature and adapt.

3. Unified Parental Approach & Long-term Perspective ([01:52])

• Dave Ramsey: Stresses both parents must be united and have a long-term vision:

  “First and foremost, you and your wife have to be in lockstep. No way can you be separated by this child who is misbehaving. The two of us have to be unified in our approach.” ([01:52])

• Real love is preparing a child to be a competent adult, not shielding them from discomfort now.

  “Real love says not what feels good today, but real love says what helps this child be a successful 30 year old.” ([02:09])

4. Digging Deeper: Upping the Ante ([02:30]–[04:52])

• Dave criticizes the notion of $150 being "tough" and suggests parents pull all financial support:

  “I think $1,500 is tough. $150? Wimpy.” ([02:29])

• Strongly recommends stopping non-essential support (phone, car gas, laundry, etc.) to force the daughter to learn adult responsibilities.

  “You’re paying for her cellphone? Not anymore. ... If she wants car gas, she’s going to go get a job. You’re paying for everything and you’re washing her freaking clothes and you gotta stop it.” ([03:10])

• Rejects the idea that this is a “generational” issue, seeing it as an individual and parenting challenge.

5. The “Eagle’s Nest” Analogy: Forcing Growth ([05:17])

• Dave uses a memorable story:

  "See, the eagle... builds a nest out of thorns... then fills it with down... As the baby eagle grows ... the mama eagle removes the down, so those thorns get more pronounced ... until it’s almost impossible to sit in the nest. ... The little baby eagle has to get up on the edge... starts flapping its wings, and it will fall... But it never would have left the nest if it was comfortable. And an eagle that doesn't leave the nest eventually is known as a turkey.” ([05:29]–[07:19])

• Moral: Make the “nest” uncomfortable so the child is motivated to move forward and grow.

6. Quick Witted Banter: Eagles vs. Turkeys ([07:32])

• Brief, lighthearted exchange about eagles, turkeys, and Thanksgiving.

  “We admire eagles. We eat turkeys. There’s a bumper sticker.” ([08:07])

7. Crucial Lesson: The Consequences of Attitude ([08:27])

• Ken and Dave agree this isn’t new—an attitude problem follows someone through life if not addressed.
• Dave:

  “A bad attitude will cause you to have a bad life, period. And that didn’t start at college, and that didn’t start when she was living in the basement rent free. And $150 doesn’t fix that either.” ([08:48])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “[Failure] is life’s best teacher and it’s going to be hard to stand by as parents and watch it. But I think that’s what’s necessary here.” – Ken Coleman ([01:23])
• “Every move that you make is an act of love that is going to help her become the 30 year old that she needs to become.” – Dave Ramsey ([02:14])
• “You’re quickly becoming useless. And we love you too much to allow you to be useless.” – Dave Ramsey, modeling what he’d say to the daughter ([04:55])
• “An eagle that doesn’t leave the nest eventually is known as a turkey. And so little turkey needs to leave the nest. It’s going to be good for little turkey. Gobble gobble.” – Dave Ramsey ([07:19])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:10] – Listener’s scenario introduced
• [00:56]–[02:38] – Ken Coleman: Letting kids fail, tough love parenting
• [01:52]–[05:17] – Dave Ramsey: Unity in parenting, raise the stakes
• [05:17]–[07:19] – Eagle’s nest analogy and gentle tough love
• [07:32]–[08:27] – Eagle-vs-turkey banter
• [08:27]–[09:04] – Root causes, importance of addressing attitude early

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Conclusion

The hosts make clear: Charging a nominal rent—or more—does not make parents “unfair.” On the contrary, real love involves setting boundaries, letting kids struggle through discomfort, and not shielding them from the consequences of their choices. A united parenting front, the removal of unnecessary comforts, and insistence on self-reliance are seen as the best way to help young adults grow up strong, capable, and independent.

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For parents facing similar dilemmas: Don’t be afraid to let your child struggle. The real goal is not to keep them comfortable at 19, but to empower them to thrive at 30.

Transcript

[A]

If your private student loans are in default, you're not out of options. Go to yrefi.com Ramsey Today's question comes.

[B]

From Tim in Pennsylvania. Our daughter is 19 years old and failed her first year of college. She applies for jobs but has a bad attitude that I'm sure shows up in interviews. My wife and I are both successful in our fields, are in baby step six and have 1 million in retirement funds. So it's not like she hasn't had a good example at home. What little savings she has is dwindling away from eating out and subscribing to useless phone apps. We've recently told her that she will have to start paying $150 rent starting next month. She says we are being unfair because she doesn't have a job. But we explained if we lose our jobs, the bills still have to be paid and no one gets a pass. Are we being too harsh charging a nominal rent which will go into a college fund for her if and when she decides to go back? I am sure this isn't a unique problem. This just seems like a generational thing, but we want to help her launch into adulthood. Well, a couple things here. You know my personal parenting style on this is I'm not going to fund her for anything 0 until she figures out how hard life is with a really, really bad attitude. I think that's the first thing. I don't mind you charging her rent and putting more pressure on her to act like a young adult. So I don't think you're being too harsh. I feel like you've probably been a little bit too lax on this situation. But the more you can not bail her out, the more that you can just let her fail. Failure is life's best teacher and it's going to be hard to stand by as parents and watch it. But I think that's what's necessary here. And there's a lot in this that we don't know. There's a lot under the surface here. So really hard to fully go at the source of this. But that's my take on this particular specific question.

[A]

First and foremost, you and your wife have to be in lockstep. No way can you be separated by this child who is misbehaving. The two of us have to be unified in our approach. Secondly, real love says not what feels good today, but real love says what helps this child be a successful 30 year old. What steps can I get? What can I give her now that she doesn't have to cause her to be a successful 30 year old. I really don't care what her pain is or her whining is in between. And I really think that one or both of you have been way soft on this kid for a very long time. And now you're trying to make up ground and you think $150 is tough. I think $1,500 is tough. $150 Wimpy. Yeah. Cause that's what she's got to pay if she tries to leave. Okay, so I'm gonna take a little different position than Ken. Number one, you're lockstep. Number two, every move that you make is an act of love that is going to help her become the 30 year old that she needs to become. And so her problem is that she's never really had any problems. And so I'm going to help her have some problems. I'm going to assure problems into her life. I'm going to start creating all kinds of problems. You're paying for her cell phone. Not anymore. I'm going to take it up, we're going to sell it and you're going to have. If you want a cell phone, you're going to have to go get you one. You're paying for her car gas. We're not anymore. If she wants car gas, she's going to go get a job. You're paying for everything and you're washing her freaking clothes and you got to stop it. This is not a one year old. This is a 19 year old with failure to launch. And no, Tim, this is not a generational thing. This is a parenting thing. Every generation has had people that acted like this and every generation has had productive people. This is not a generational thing. All 19 year olds are not this way. We talk to 19 year olds that are millionaires, so you know, it's just not true. It's nothing to do with the generation. It's got to do with your kid. And so what I'm going to do is make her life hard, as hard as I can possibly make it, as quick as I can possibly make it. I want her to become highly uncomfortable because the way she's living her life deserves it. And if she keeps living her life this way, she's going to be a 30 year old. That's a complete abject failure trying to figure out why this world didn't give her what she was entitled to, which is nothing. So I'm going to be really kind and strong and gentle and I'm going to create all kinds of hell for her until she moves out and gets a job. I really want her to leave as fast as she can go. I want her to go get a job as fast as she can go. I want her to be so uncomfortable that she goes and gets a job and goes and gets a life and starts buying her own milk and starts buying her own bread. And suddenly her character will change. It's going to be the most amazing transformation. But you are going to be called every name in the book because you've made it soft for so long and now you're changing the program. And changing the program is going to feel very unfair. Baby doll, I am sorry. I owe you an apology. We have been too soft on you and you're quickly becoming useless. And we love you too much to allow you to be useless. And I just love you so much. And so I'm going to help you have some problems because I want you to be an unbelievable success when you're 30. And so I'm, we're going to create problems for you and you're not going to like me for a while. But you need to know I love you and you need to know I'll always make you a plate of food, but I'm going to create some problems for you. See the eagle when it builds a nest. It builds a nest out of thorns. Long 6 inch thorn bush thorns. And then it fills the nest with down from anything soft, anything it can find to where when the baby eagle is born. It is born in complete comfort. As the baby eagle grows in stature and begins to stretch out its little wings. The mama eagle removes the down every day a little bit more from the nest. And every day those thorns get more and more pronounced until it's almost impossible to sit in the nest. And the little baby eagle has to get up on the edge of the nest because you can no longer sit in a thorn bush in the bottom of the nest. And then when the baby eagles up on the side of the nest, you know what it'll do? It'll start flapping its wings and it will fall and then the wings will start working and it will glide. And you know, the mother eagle holds her breath wondering if this is the first eagle that can't fly. But it turns out it's not. Turns out this eagle can fly, but it never would have left the nest if it was comfortable. And an eagle that doesn't leave the nest eventually is known as a turkey. And so little turkey needs to leave the nest. It's going to be good for little turkey Gobble, gobble. You know, I'm so mean and nasty these days.

[B]

No, you're not. I was following you. I thought, well, if the eagle becomes a turkey, then the turkey ends up on the Thanksgiving table.

[A]

Oh, whoa. You get baked.

[B]

People eat it.

[A]

Yeah, that's it.

[B]

The world eat you alive. I was, I was tracking.

[A]

Don't get Eat alive. Yeah, I, you know, we don't serve eagle.

[B]

That's what I'm getting.

[A]

Eagles. Not on turtle.

[B]

You don't see eagles on the Thanksgiving table.

[A]

Huh? That's very interesting.

[B]

I know.

[A]

That's a good point. I thought about that.

[B]

I was cracking with you. I was really paying attention.

[A]

My redneck buddies, they don't go eagle hunting. They go turkey hunting, though.

[B]

That's right. We admire eagles. We eat turkeys. There's a bumper sticker. Oh, no. I think it's a great point. And by the way, that was a very good description, but I am all for failure. Let the kid fail. Yeah, you can't keep failing them out because again, at some point, whatever was.

[A]

Going on when she failed college was going on when she was in high school and was going on when she was in the sixth grade. That's right. This isn't a first time this has come up. Her little attitude is going to get adjusted out there, right?

[B]

Well, I don't think she's ever had to finish dealing with failure.

[A]

She. She never had to finish the results of her attitude sucking.

[B]

That's it. That's right.

[A]

Because that. That's 100% of the time. A bad attitude will cause you to have a bad life, period. And that didn't start at college, and that didn't start when she was living in the basement rent free. And $150 doesn't fix that either.

[B]

That's true. It's not stiff enough.

[A]

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