My 14-Year-Old Says We Make Her "Feel Poor"

Summary

Summary of "My 14-Year-Old Says We Make Her 'Feel Poor'" Episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Ramsey Show Highlights
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Description: The Ramsey Show Highlights offers a quick, daily dose of advice on life and money in under ten minutes. Featuring insights from experts like Dave Ramsey, Ken Coleman, Rachel Cruze, Dr. John Delony, George Kamel, and Jade Warshaw, it is delivered seven days a week as part of the Ramsey Network.
• Episode: My 14-Year-Old Says We Make Her "Feel Poor"
• Release Date: March 10, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode titled "My 14-Year-Old Says We Make Her 'Feel Poor'," Rachel Cruze addresses a heartfelt concern from Alexandra in Arizona. Alexandra shares her struggle with her 14-year-old daughter, who feels "poor" because she perceives her peers spending up to $20 a day on takeout food rather than bringing lunch from home. Rachel Cruze, joined by Dave Ramsey, delves into effective strategies for parents to communicate financial limitations to their teens without instilling feelings of inadequacy.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Addressing the Child's Perception of Poverty

Alexandra's Concern: Alexandra explains that her daughter is aware of her peers buying expensive lunches from local eateries, which makes her feel their family is "poor."

Rachel Cruze's Initial Thoughts: Rachel empathizes with Alexandra, sharing her own experience where her children's school had an exceptional cafeteria. However, she emphasizes that for her family, the issue transcends finances; it's about teaching her son the value of participating in food preparation and understanding that food doesn't appear magically.

"I want him to know that food just doesn't materialize out of thin air. Right." [00:59]

2. Parental Guilt and Open Communication

Rachel Cruze on Guilt: Rachel suggests that Alexandra's concern may stem more from her own feelings of guilt rather than solely focusing on her daughter's emotions. She advocates for open communication by walking her daughter through the family budget.

"Sit down with your daughter and let her walk through your budget with you. She's 14. She's a freshman high school. She can do that." [01:15]

3. Teaching Financial Reality and Resilience

Tolerance for Discomfort: Rachel emphasizes the importance of teaching children to tolerate discomfort and navigate financial limitations. This resilience prepares them for future challenges related to budgeting and financial responsibilities.

"The greatest gift you can give your 14 year old is not 20 a day for lunch. It is the ability to tolerate discomfort and go forward anyway." [02:31]

4. Parenting Styles and Shielding from Hardship

Shift from Helicopter to Snowplow Parents: Dave Ramsey comments on evolving parenting styles, noting that today's parents often remove all obstacles, creating a "smooth path" devoid of hardships. He cautions that this approach does not prepare children for real-world challenges.

"We don't have hardship, no bumps in the road. It is just a smooth walk and everything is fine. And that's not reality." [03:06]

Rachel Cruze on Realistic Parenting: Rachel concurs, highlighting that shielding children entirely can lead to unrealistic expectations and a lack of preparedness for financial realities.

5. Practical Strategies for Families

Involving Children in Meal Preparation: Rachel shares practical methods her family uses to involve their children in preparing lunches. By participating in cooking, the children understand resource allocation and contribute to meal planning, fostering a sense of responsibility and appreciation for what they have.

"Our kids participate in cooking the night before. They get to take as luxurious a lunch as they want to, but it's made from what we have in the fridge." [04:20]

6. Embracing Reality and Building Financial Literacy

Acceptance of Financial Limitations: Both Rachel and Dave emphasize the importance of accepting financial constraints and teaching children to live within their means. This honesty helps children develop a healthy relationship with money and prepares them for future financial independence.

"Your feelings are okay and they're right and I'm going to sit with you while you feel that way and then we're going to be tethered to reality." [04:19]

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Rachel Cruze on Food Realities:

   "I want him to know that food just doesn't materialize out of thin air. Right." [00:59]

2. Rachel on Budget Conversations:

   "Sit down with your daughter and let her walk through your budget with you. She's 14. She's a freshman high school. She can do that." [01:15]

3. Teaching Discomfort Tolerance:

   "The greatest gift you can give your 14 year old is not 20 a day for lunch. It is the ability to tolerate discomfort and go forward anyway." [02:31]

4. Dave on Parenting Styles:

   "We don't have hardship, no bumps in the road. It is just a smooth walk and everything is fine. And that's not reality." [03:06]

5. Rachel on Involving Kids in Meals:

   "Our kids participate in cooking the night before. They get to take as luxurious a lunch as they want to, but it's made from what we have in the fridge." [04:20]

6. Acceptance of Financial Reality:

   "Your feelings are okay and they're right and I'm going to sit with you while you feel that way and then we're going to be tethered to reality." [04:19]

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Insights and Conclusions

The episode underscores the delicate balance parents must maintain between shielding their children from financial hardships and preparing them for the economic realities of adulthood. Rachel Cruze advocates for open, honest conversations about budgeting and financial limitations, fostering an environment where children understand and accept their family's financial situation without feeling inadequate.

Key takeaways include:

• Transparency: Involving children in financial discussions helps demystify money management and builds trust.
• Resilience Building: Allowing children to experience and navigate discomfort prepares them for future challenges.
• Practical Involvement: Engaging children in meal preparation and budgeting tasks imparts valuable life skills and financial literacy.
• Realistic Expectations: Avoiding overprotection ensures children develop a grounded understanding of financial realities, preventing unrealistic expectations in the future.

Rachel and Dave advocate for a parenting approach that encourages financial responsibility, resilience, and open communication, ensuring that children are well-equipped to handle economic challenges as they grow.

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Final Thoughts

This episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights provides compassionate and pragmatic advice for parents grappling with how to discuss financial limitations with their children. By promoting transparency, involvement, and resilience, Rachel Cruze and Dave Ramsey offer actionable strategies to help families navigate the complexities of money management while fostering a sense of security and self-reliance in their children.

For more insights and daily advice on managing life and money, tune into The Ramsey Show Highlights.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

Brought to you by Y Refi Refinance your defaulted private student loans [e-mail] Ramsey.

[Rachel Cruze]

Today's question comes from Alexandra in Arizona. My 14 year old daughter claims that all the kids in school. Dude, we just, I just had this in my house. My 14 year old daughter claims that all the kids in school are buying lunches from local eateries and spending as much as 20 bucks a day on takeout food rather than bringing their lunch.

[Dave Ramsey]

Not allowed at our school. No, no outside. Take out food. Keep going.

[Rachel Cruze]

My wife and I are on baby step two and have another $65,000 to go. We simply cannot afford this. How do I explain to this to my 14 year old without, in her words, making her feel poor? I think underneath all of this, I'm just going to tell you, Rachel, how I experienced this very similar. The school my son goes to has extraordinary cafeteria. And I, for me and Sheila, it's less about the finances and it's more about, I want him to participate in food creation and food consumption. I want him to know that food just doesn't materialize out of thin air. Right. And so that may. It's a little, Little House on the Prairie for us. I know, but.

[Dave Ramsey]

So you don't let him buy from the cafeteria, is that what you're saying?

[Rachel Cruze]

That's right. So he has to be a part of making his food. Underneath this though, I struggled with my kid's the only one. And so I think, Alexandra, it's less about you worrying about your 14 year old feeling poor and it's more about you feeling guilty that your 14 year old has any sort of uncomfortable feelings. And that's where you need to deal with this. So if you can't afford it, then the way you go straight into that is sitting down with your daughter and letting her walk through your budget with you. She's 14. She's a freshman high school. She can do that. And you look at it and say, we're working really hard to change our family tree. We don't have enough money. And by the way, for a 14 year old, they don't care. They're going to have feelings, they're going to get mad, oh my gosh, we're poor. Let a 14 year old say 14 year old things. There's a reason as a society we have all said 14 year olds can't buy beer and cigarettes and guns because they're 14. The other side of that is you need to become more comfortable with your 14 year old being uncomfortable.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yes.

[Rachel Cruze]

Because that's Life.

[Dave Ramsey]

Well, that's life. And if it's not the lunches, it's going to be the type of shoes, it's going to be the backpack. It keeps going and then on into college. What college is she going to? I mean that feeling continues.

[Rachel Cruze]

So the greatest gift you can give 14 year old is not 20 a day for lunch. It is the ability to tolerate discomfort and go forward anyway.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yes.

[Rachel Cruze]

And that's a lesson every human will learn. That you have to learn most todays now adults.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yes.

[Rachel Cruze]

Call into the show saying, I'm $140,000 in student loan debt. I'm trying to live in New York City and I want to be a painter. And it doesn't work. And nobody had reality conversations.

[Dave Ramsey]

I read this in a parenting book. I can't remember who Sissy Goff. I can't remember who it was but they were saying that, you know, the generation 10 years ago, 15 years ago was the helicopter parents and now it's the snowplow parents.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. The bulldozers.

[Dave Ramsey]

Just, you just like make a smooth path so there's no bumps. We don't feel anything. We are good. No hardship, no bumps in the road. It is just a smooth walk and everything is fine. And that's not, that's not reality.

[Rachel Cruze]

No.

[Dave Ramsey]

It's teaching your kids.

[Rachel Cruze]

This is an amazing moment for your 14 year old.

[Dave Ramsey]

And can I just say this too, not that this matters, but they're buying lunch from local eateries. This isn't even like a cafeteria buy. This is that they're gay.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. They leave campus.

[Dave Ramsey]

It's a. Yeah, like it's a, it's even a step beyond normal reality. Like some kids, you know what I mean? Like yeah, it's not even like oh, we're not even going to pay for school lunches from the cafeteria. This is like another step beyond. So I think even, even for her to have some level of reality. My parents did this of like there's tears in life. The highest tier is that a 14 year old is getting a 20 lunch from Panera or whatever the local eatery is. The second tier is. Yeah, maybe you get to spend some money and buy lunch at the cafeteria and then you got to bring your, you know, your lunch. I don't know. And like, like, like we don't all get to live at a high level. Like there's going to be ups and downs in life.

[Rachel Cruze]

So a great gift you can give your 14 year old is let her experience that now and let her just know that she's not alone. Experiencing that, let her know, I wish I could just give you 20 bucks every day. That'd be awesome. And that's not reality. That'd be cool.

[Dave Ramsey]

It's crazy.

[Rachel Cruze]

And just for whatever, whoever's listening, because evidently there's at least two of us in the country dealing with this. The two ways we've mitigated this in our house and you don't mitigate it, you just walk through it is a lot of the time our kids participate in cooking the night before. And so the leftovers are not just leftovers that were shoved out in the fridge. It was something that they participated in cooking the night before. And they've got a steak in it. Right. They got skin in the game. Or just yesterday my son was cooking chicken nuggets or something before school in the oven and that's what he's going to put in a container to take to school. So he gets to take as luxurious a lunch as he wants to. But he's going to be, he's going to make it and it's going to be from our what we have in the fridge in the house. And so that comes with planning and meal planning, all that kind of stuff. So all I have to say is the goal is not to have 14 year olds that don't feel. Certain ways they're going to feel, however they feel 16, 17, 18, whatever the goal is, your feelings are okay and they're right and I'm going to sit with you while you feel that way and then we're going to be tethered to reality. We don't have the money. We just simply don't. And by the way, if you did, I'd recommend you not do that anyway.

[Dave Ramsey]

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