My 34-Year-Old Sons Still Live At Home (They Can't Afford Rent)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights – "My 34-Year-Old Sons Still Live At Home (They Can't Afford Rent)"

Introduction In the July 10, 2025 episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, hosted by the Ramsey Network, Dave Ramsey addresses a pressing family financial dilemma brought forth by a concerned caller. The episode delves into the complexities of adult children remaining at home, the financial strains it imposes, and strategies to foster independence. Experts Ken Coleman and additional insights enhance the discussion, offering actionable solutions for listeners facing similar challenges.

Caller’s Situation: Adult Children Living at Home The caller, a woman who credits Dave Ramsey’s program for rescuing her financially post-divorce in 2008, reaches out to discuss her current predicament. Now married for twelve years, she and her husband are in the process of drafting their wills. The central conflict revolves around their 34-year-old sons who are still residing at home due to their inability to afford rent.

Key Points Raised by the Caller:

• Debt Recovery Success: “I was in $30,000 in debt and was able to get out in five years. So I followed your program ever since. So I just wanted to thank you for that.” (00:12)
• Family Dynamics and Concerns: She expresses anxiety over their sons’ dependence, highlighting that both males are adults but are struggling to secure independent living arrangements.

Discussion on Sons' Employment and Challenges Dave Ramsey probes into the sons' employment status, uncovering that one earns approximately $17 an hour while the other makes around $12 an hour. Despite both working full-time, their income is insufficient for independent living, especially given their metropolitan residence.

Notable Insights:

• Job Quality Assessment: Dave assesses, “They make one. One doesn't make one as much as the other one.” (02:04) and later critiques their job quality by stating, “My God, you can make 20 at Target.” (02:27), emphasizing that their current earnings do not align with sustainable financial independence.
• Impact of Disabilities: One son has a mental disability, specifically anxiety, which inhibits him from driving and may contribute to his employment limitations.

Dave Ramsey’s Advice: Creating a Path to Independence Acknowledging the caller’s frustration, Dave Ramsey outlines a multi-faceted approach to address the issue:

1. Setting Clear Deadlines and Goals:

   • Establish a six-month timeline for the sons to achieve specific milestones, such as obtaining a driver’s license, securing better-paying jobs, and moving out.
   • “We need to set some deadlines with some specific stage gated goals that say, okay, by this date, we're going to help you do this.” (04:11)

2. Career and Work Ethic Coaching:

   • Emphasizes the importance of career coaching to help the sons find sustainable employment paths.
   • Incorporates strategies to improve work ethic and job performance, suggesting that increased productivity can alleviate anxiety.
   • “We're going to help you put together a plan and we're going to have a six month exit ramp.” (07:27)

3. Utilizing Educational Resources:

   • Offers to provide Ken Coleman’s materials, including "The Proximity Principle" and "Finding the Work You're Wired to Do", to guide the sons in career planning.
   • “I'll send you the set. I'll send you the proximity principle. I'll send you finding the work you're wired to do.” (05:00)

4. Encouraging Trades and Practical Skills:

   • Suggests that entering the trades can offer well-paying jobs that instill pride and self-sufficiency.
   • “Get them in some of the trades. The trades are paying very well right now, but they're going to get a callus and they're going to sweat and stuff.” (05:20)

Ken Coleman’s Input: Building Financial and Career Muscles Ken Coleman interjects to reinforce the need for the sons to develop both financial literacy and career competencies. He underscores the importance of experiencing challenges to build purpose and self-reliance.

Notable Quote:

• “They need to work out, build some financial muscles, some career muscles, so they can carry the weight of home ownership in the future.” (08:37)

Implementing the Plan: A Shared Responsibility Dave Ramsey advises the caller and her husband to collaboratively engage with their sons, ensuring they understand the necessity of moving forward into independence. This approach is framed not as punitive but as a loving intervention to foster growth.

Key Strategies:

• Structured Conversations: Initiating honest discussions about expectations and the necessity for change.
• Therapeutic Support: Addressing the son with anxiety through professional help to manage his condition effectively.
• Gradual Transition: Allowing the sons time to adjust while holding them accountable to the agreed-upon plan.

Conclusion: Fostering Independence as an Act of Love The episode concludes with an emphasis on the emotional and practical benefits of guiding adult children toward self-sufficiency. Dave Ramsey highlights that empowering the sons to "fly" on their own is a profound act of love that ultimately strengthens family dynamics.

Final Thoughts:

• “The most beautiful part of the whole conversation is that these young men come into themselves rather than sitting in the basement.” (07:35)
• “Eagles don't fly when they don't leave the nest. And an eagle that doesn't leave the nest eventually is known as a turkey.” (08:37)

Takeaways for Listeners:

• Establish clear, achievable goals with deadlines to encourage adult children to seek independence.
• Utilize available resources and expert advice to support career and personal development.
• Approach the situation with empathy and strategic planning to foster a positive transition for all family members.

Additional Resources Mentioned:

• EveryDollar App: “Start budgeting for free today.” (00:02)
• Knockbox Kit: Facilitates organized planning for families in the event of unforeseen circumstances. “Grab your Knockbox kit [e-mail] Ramsey.” (03:17)

This episode provides a comprehensive guide for parents struggling with adult children living at home, blending financial strategies with emotional support to pave the way for independence and family harmony.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today.

[Caller]

Thank you so much for taking my call. It's such an honor to be on the show.

[Dave Ramsey]

Honor to have you. How can we help?

[Caller]

Yeah, I just wanted to thank you because you saved my financial life in 2008. About 17 years ago, after my divorce, I was in $30,000 in debt and was able to get out in five years. So I followed your program ever since. So I just wanted to thank you for that. And, I mean, it's just been a lot. I recently got married 12 years ago right now. And we agree on everything except for one thing right now. And we're prepping our will right now, and we're disagreeing on one thing, and that is our house with what to do with the house after. When we're gone. My husband, he wants to just split. We have. He has two kids. I have two kids. They're all adults, nothing. Nobody under 18. And we have two kids which live in different states. So they're gone. We have two living at home. They're 34, and they're just having a hard time just trying to get an apartment that they can live in right now. So he wants to sell the house down the middle, straight down the middle, and between everybody, and just sell the house right out. My disagreement is that if anything happened to us tomorrow, that would leave two of the boys kicked out of the house with nowhere to go. We're gonna have our house paid off.

[Dave Ramsey]

They're 30?

[Caller]

Yeah, 34. You bet.

[Dave Ramsey]

Maybe it's time to do that anyway.

[Caller]

Exactly. I wish I could.

[Dave Ramsey]

Why? Well, no, I mean, I just. I just raised my little wand and I say my wish came true.

[Caller]

I wish. I wish.

[Dave Ramsey]

No, tell them to leave. I'm serious as a heart attack and is.

[Caller]

Even if they can't afford the. The rental.

[Dave Ramsey]

Cedar Rapids, Iowa. How much is not in Manhattan? They ain't working much, are they?

[Caller]

They're where? They're working full time. They actually have. They actually have a good job.

[Dave Ramsey]

What do they make?

[Caller]

You know, like that.

[Dave Ramsey]

So what do they make?

[Caller]

They make one. One is. He makes. Well, one doesn't make one as much as the other one.

[Dave Ramsey]

How much do they make?

[Caller]

One of them makes about 17 an hour. The other one makes 12.

[Dave Ramsey]

My God, you can make 20 at Target.

[Ken Coleman]

You said they had good jobs.

[Dave Ramsey]

Those aren't good jobs.

[Caller]

Yeah, no.

[Ken Coleman]

What has stunted their growth, do you think?

[Dave Ramsey]

Do they have some kind of disability?

[Caller]

One of them has a disability and he does not drive at all.

[Dave Ramsey]

What's the nature of his disability.

[Caller]

It's that he has like a. It's a. Basically a mental disability.

[Dave Ramsey]

Of what type, darling?

[Caller]

He has anxiety and then he's been a. He is. He does not drive.

[Dave Ramsey]

Why does he not drive?

[Caller]

That I've been. And try to answer that since I've been married.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. He chose not to drive.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

But anxiety doesn't keep you from driving.

[Caller]

No.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. All right, so whose children are these?

[Caller]

Hey.

[Ken Coleman]

Sorry for the interruption. This is important. No one likes to think about dying, but one day your family will have to deal with everything you leave behind. So the question is, will it be easy or a total nightmare? That's where Knockbox comes in. Knockbox is a kit with 15 categories and clear instructions that give your family an organized plan so they're not sifting through old paperwork and guessing passwords and dealing with lawyers. So leave your family memories and instead of a mess, grab your Knockbox kit [e-mail] Ramsey for the best discount available. That's knockbox.com Ramsey.

[Dave Ramsey]

All right, so whose children are these, yours or his?

[Caller]

One of them. One of them is mine and the other one is his.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay.

[Caller]

And so you know. And then you know.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay, so let's stop a second. All right, we need to solve number one. Let's just go back and answer your question. And you're probably not going to like the answer, but your husband wins.

[Caller]

Okay? Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

And the answer to your problem is that we need to solve the problem while you're alive to get these young men to a sustainable life so they don't need their mommy and their daddy at 34.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Dave Ramsey]

And so we need to start working on some career coaching and some work ethic coaching and, you know, get them out of the house and let them establish a life of some kind. But they're in their 30s. This is called failure to launch.

[Caller]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dave Ramsey]

And so you're doing them no favors. You're coddling them. You're doing them no favors. You need to set some deadlines with some specific stage gated goals that say, okay, by this date, we're going to help you do this. By this date, we're going to help you do that. And so that six months from now, you no longer live here, okay? You're going to get a driver's license and a freaking job that pays more than $12. And you're going to work more than 40 hours. You're going to work like 60 hours. And by the way, you won't have as much anxiety because you're working all the time. It helps with that. You got anxiety when you're underperforming, broke, and have no dignity and live in your mommy's basement. That causes anxiety.

[Caller]

And that's exactly what he's doing.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, I know. I can tell. It causes anxiety because there's no confidence, because there's no competence. And so you and hubby, let's develop a plan and get these young men together and. Okay, we're going to get Ken Coleman's materials on careers. I'll tell you what, I'll send you the set. I'll send you the proximity principle. I'll send you finding the work you're wired to do. Let them. I'll send you two sets, one for each boy, and they can take the assessment and figure out some career paths. And let's get them in some of the trades. The trades are paying very well right now, but they're going to get a callus and they're going to sweat and stuff, which your husband and you have probably done. And they will be prouder of themselves and you'll be prouder of them, and then they won't need you to do some kind of weird, wicked thing with the will to take care of them since they didn't bother to create a sustainable life.

[Caller]

Exactly. And that's what I'm worried about, because they would not be able to take care of the house anyway.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. So don't. Don't give it to them and don't get, you know, give them half the money and. But more importantly, let's, in the next six months, give them a different path. That's love.

[Caller]

Sounds great.

[Ken Coleman]

They need to work out, build some financial muscles, some career muscles, so they can carry the weight of home ownership in the future.

[Dave Ramsey]

And then when they're. And let's visit this time next year and they both have their own apartment, or maybe they're sharing an apartment. Apartment. That's great. And they both have good jobs and they're both working a lot more than they do now. And they both have a good life plan, a sustainable situation. And if something happened to y', all, then they got half the money from the house, the other two get half the money from the house, then I think everybody's good.

[Caller]

Yeah, because it's fair. Because, I mean, we have to split it between everybody. It's fair, you know, and. Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

But the most beautiful part of the whole conversation is that these young men come into themselves rather than sitting in the basement.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's a gorgeous thing. It's an act of love.

[Caller]

And I needed that step too because it's been very frustrating having them still at home.

[Dave Ramsey]

So you need to sit down with them and say when I would get in trouble as a little redneck hillbilly kid, my mama would yell the worm has turned. I had no idea what that meant other than the beatings were about to begin. Right. And so I found out later it was Shakespeare. Who knew? Mom knew Shakespeare. But yeah, the, the worm has turned. And it's like, hey, I got some bad news and I got some good news, honey. The bad news is you're moving out. The good news is I'm going to help you put together a plan and we're going to have a six month exit ramp. So let's sit down here tonight and start going over these materials and we're going to start working on your career. We're going to get you a driver's license and we're going to get you with a therapist and help you with anxiety and we're going to do the stuff to get you whole so you can go out here and win because you're not having fun and it makes us cry watching you and, and we want to smile watching you. So we're going to help you.

[Ken Coleman]

You deserve a better quality.

[Dave Ramsey]

We're going to help you. And eagles don't fly when they don't leave the nest. And an eagle that doesn't leave the nest, nest eventually is known as a turkey. So you have to help them fly and they don't like themselves. Nobody likes them. They're not likable right now. But you're going to help them get there. That's a fun thing.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

When I lived at home I was comfy but I needed some problems, I needed some purpose and so when I got out I found it pretty quick.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, hillbillies make it uncomfortable to stay home.

[Ken Coleman]

That's the way to do it. You can stay here but you're not.

[Dave Ramsey]

Going to like, you're not going to like it. You don't like the rules. Hang on. We'll send you some of Ken Coleman's materials and help you with this hun. This is the Ramsey Show. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.