My 87-Year-Old Dad Is Being Manipulated By His Girlfriend

Summary

Overview of the Episode

Episode Theme:
The episode centers on a listener's concern regarding her 87-year-old widowed father's risky financial decisions, specifically his plan to buy a house with a VA loan after moving in with a new girlfriend. The caller believes her father may be manipulated, and the hosts give practical advice on navigating complex family, financial, and estate planning challenges during later life relationships.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Family Situation

• Listener Introduction:
  Caller "Elizabeth" describes her 87-year-old father, a widower, who is planning to buy a new house with a VA loan for himself and his girlfriend (88 years old), despite already owning a home an hour away (00:07–01:14).
  • "He has been seeing a widow who's 88...and he is buying a house at 87 years old with a VA loan...He has no intention of being married." (00:07)
• Complicating Factors:
  Elizabeth’s sister lost her own home to foreclosure and is now secretly living in their father's house, complicating the option of selling (01:28–01:55).
  • "My younger sister had financial problems and she got recently foreclosed on and moved into his house. Didn't tell anybody." (01:28)

Concerns About Manipulation and Disclosure

• Possible Manipulation:
  Elizabeth voices fears that her father is being manipulated by his girlfriend, citing secrecy about the financial move, her role as executor and power of attorney, and the girlfriend’s lack of assets (01:55–02:23, 03:18).
  • "He promised me face to face that he would tell me if he did anything financially...I think she's manipulating him." (01:55)
• Lack of Transparency:
  The father did not tell anyone about the purchase plans, and Elizabeth learned of it after the fact (01:13–02:19, 03:18).

The Girlfriend’s Financial and Health Status

• Financially Vulnerable:
  The girlfriend rents, has little or no savings due to her own husband's medical expenses, and is facing health challenges, making her financially reliant on Elizabeth’s father (03:26–03:45).
  • "She doesn't have the money. She needs his money...She's renting...she has no money. She's broke." (03:26)
• Health Issues:
  The father is increasingly a caretaker for the girlfriend, raising Elizabeth’s concern about the relationship’s long-term repercussions (03:52–04:02).

Hosts’ Reactions and Advice

• Open Communication Urged:
  Hosts recommend expressing personal concerns directly but compassionately, focusing on separate finances, legal protection, and thinking through the implications if the relationship ends (04:39–05:04).
  • "Have you just encouraged him? Hey, here's what I'm worried about...keeping finances separate." (04:39)
• Estate Planning Warnings:
  The hosts stress the importance of updating wills, setting beneficiaries, and clarifying estate plans to prevent future conflict—especially with the property, VA loan, and multiple children involved (06:54–07:25).
  • "We need to put protections in place...I'm going to have to deal with the fallout of all this." (06:54)
• Legal Guidance Suggested:
  A third-party estate attorney is recommended to mediate and help the family sort out complex inheritance and property issues before decisions are made (08:00).
  • "I would sit down with an estate attorney as a third party mediator..." (08:00)
• Acceptance of Limits:
  Ultimately, hosts note that while the family can urge caution, the father is legally entitled to make his own decisions—even poor ones (08:20).
  • "You can't stop people from doing dumb things. Yeah, but you can try to slow him down." (08:25)

Financial Details

• Father’s Assets and Potential Risks:

  • House (paid off): ~$400,000 value (05:19–05:38)
  • IRA: $200,000 (05:19–05:33)
  • VA loan on new house: $425,000, nothing down (05:38–05:48)
  • The concern is whether the father and girlfriend’s pooled resources can realistically cover the mortgage and each other's needs, especially if one passes away.

• Succession Complications:
  The risk of either girlfriend or sister ending up in legal limbo or eviction if the father passes away before issues are resolved (06:28–07:58).

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On the Dilemma of Aging Parents in Love:
  "That's a wild time to fall in love. But hey, you know what? Good for him. Again, you want him to be happy." — Host (08:35)

• On Inevitability and Acceptance:
  "You can't stop people from doing dumb things. Yeah, but you can try to slow him down." — Host (08:25)

• On Family Tensions and Estate Risks:
  "He's creating a nightmare for the girls that he loves." — Host (07:12)

• On Resorting to Outside Help:
  "I would sit down with an estate attorney as a third party mediator..." — Host (08:00)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:07–01:14 — Caller introduces her father's situation, age, and relationship status.
• 01:28–01:55 — Details about the sister's foreclosure and secret move-in.
• 03:26–03:45 — The girlfriend's financial status discussed.
• 05:19–05:38 — Father’s net worth and home ownership details.
• 06:54–07:25 — Discussion of updating estate plans and addressing future legal complications.
• 08:00–08:25 — Recommendation for consulting an estate attorney; hosts acknowledge the father's autonomy.

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Tone and Language

The episode maintains a blend of empathy, realism, and practical advisement, recognizing the emotional weight of the situation while urging the importance of frank legal and financial conversations.

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Summary for Non-Listeners

This episode presents a complex scenario faced by adult children of elderly parents: balancing respect for a parent's autonomy and happiness with real concerns over financial manipulation, complicated family dynamics, and the necessity of prudent estate planning. The Ramsey Show hosts provide grounded advice, encourage honest but caring dialogue, and stress the legal steps needed to prevent family turmoil after the passing of a loved one. They acknowledge the difficulty in influencing adult parents’ major life choices, especially when love is involved, and underscore the importance of preparation over confrontation.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

My father, 87 years old. He's a widow of seven years. He has been seeing a widower and he's been seeing a widow who's 88 years old. They live about an hour away from all of us here. And he is buying a house at 87 years old with a VA loan. And we're trying not to read into it. We want him to be happy, but I can. This is one of the worst financial decisions that he will be making. He's not married. He has no intention of being married.

[C]

And where does he live now? What's his home situation now?

[B]

Well, he doesn't live in our town. He's been living with her for. For about six months.

[C]

Okay, so he doesn't have a home. He doesn't have a home.

[B]

He does have a home.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

He has a home here. He has a home here an hour.

[A]

Away that he's not living in because he's living with girlfriend.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Is he gonna refuses to move to his town?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Does. Is he going to sell his home where you are and pay for this home?

[B]

I only have a few minutes for this call we could get into.

[C]

I mean, well, I'm here. I'll eat some popcorn and listen up. Elizabeth.

[A]

You.

[B]

It's you. Yeah. Very long story short. Well, my younger sister had financial problems and she got recently foreclosed on and moved into his house. Didn't tell anybody. And so the last thing he's going to do is kick his daughter out into the street. So.

[C]

So he's going to take on originally.

[B]

Told him we have no problem whatsoever if you sell your house. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Use that money and buy something down there. We have no problem with that whatsoever. But now that's not going to be the case. And he's still going through with it and he didn't tell anybody and learned about it the hard way. And he promised me face to face that he would tell me if he did anything financially like this because I'm his executor. I'm his power of attorney. I'm on his account.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's. I think she's manipulating him.

[C]

Well, you think the girlfriend is.

[B]

I. Why else would he be buying?

[C]

Well, because he wants to be near his girlfriend. Why is he sweating? You know what I mean? Who's manipulating? Is the sister living in the house that he needs to sell? Well, I know now the girlfriend's not going to be on the house. Right. The loan and the D.A.

[B]

We don't. I don't know. He won't really. He hasn't really talked about it.

[A]

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[B]

He hasn't really talked about it. I mean, I had to call him out on it when I heard about it and he won't. I don't know.

[C]

Yeah, it's hard.

[B]

She doesn't have, she doesn't have the money. She needs his money.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

How much money does he have?

[C]

She's living with him. She's got a house.

[B]

Well, she's renting and. Yeah, she's renting.

[C]

Okay. So she need. She has no money. She's broke.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

At 88. She 88.

[B]

Yeah, her husband, I think financially his health wiped him out. Okay. I mean, I feel horrible for that, but sure.

[C]

How is she? How is she health wise? 88.

[B]

She's got her issues. That again. My dad is now become, it seems like a caretaker and.

[C]

Oh, shoot, so you do see your dad. You're like, dad, you're 78. You could have another 10, 15.

[A]

Well, he's 80. You said 87.

[C]

Oh, he's 87. Oh, I wrote down 78. I'm sorry. Okay, so they're.

[A]

Oh, man, this is a wild one. Well, here's the deal. It sounds like you've been pretty like combative, accusatory. And he's sort of getting defensive. Right.

[B]

Well, to a certain degree that this isn't our relationship. And that's why it's so hard.

[C]

Yeah, it's heartbreaking that he did something that you guys promised, you know, the integrity of the situation of dad, you're going to tell me. And he didn't. That's hurtful. That's hard. Even though he's a grown man, obviously.

[A]

But have you encouraged him?

[B]

I'm sorry?

[A]

Have you just encouraged him? Hey, here's the things that I'm personally worried about. This isn't about me. I'm just worried about you. Here's what's on my mind of, you know, keeping finances separate. What happens if the relationship goes south, you know, making sure that it's in. Only in his name and not her name and not, you know, all co. Mingled at this stage of life while they're not married.

[B]

Well, he. Hopefully he's at least doing that. I mean, that he shouldn't be doing this, period. I mean, it's. Okay. My concern. Yes, my concern. We just want him to be happy. I mean, there's four children. He just. We all just want him to be happy.

[C]

What is his financial situation, Elizabeth? What's. What does he have? What's his net worth?

[B]

Okay, well, he's got his house here, and if he had to sell it outright, I'd say he'd get 400 for it. And he's got about 200 in an IRA.

[C]

Okay, what does he owe on his current house?

[B]

Nothing.

[C]

Oh, he owns it outright.

[B]

Correct.

[C]

Okay, and then how much. Do you know how much the house he's looking at when he's going to pull the VA loan?

[B]

425.

[C]

Oh, gosh.

[A]

And that's going to be nothing down.

[B]

Correct. Because of the. That's what he keeps saying. The VA doesn't need anything down. I'm like, that's not the point.

[A]

Well, how is he going to afford a $425,000 mortgage?

[B]

I guess between, you know, sharing. Sharing expenses.

[A]

I mean, you told me she's broke, and it doesn't sound like he's rolling in money, apparently.

[B]

Well, she's got enough, apparently, to live on for the next five years. And I haven't asked her exactly what that means, but. So, I mean, she's got enough to be paying her rent, so I believe that they are sharing some expenses. But my concern is what if my father passes away and she's living in this house?

[C]

Yeah, it's under his name.

[B]

I mean, you know, if she.

[A]

We need to clear.

[C]

She goes back to renting. Right.

[B]

Well, I mean, what if. What if, let's just say, a year after they move in, my father passes away, then what? I mean, you know, I mean, I doubt we're going to be able to boot her out. And if she fails to make the mortgage, then I'm sure he's putting up his current house.

[A]

I mean, if they're not married at that point and the estate plan is clearly laid out, then you have options. And so that's where I'm saying the best thing you can do right now is say, dad, I can't stop you from doing this, but I need you to slow down and think clearly. And we need to put protections in place because I'm the executor, I'm going to have to deal with the fallout of all this.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

And so I just need to make sure we're updating wills, we have the correct beneficiaries, we're looking at the whole estate plan so that we all have a clear plan of what's going to happen when inevitably one of them passes. Because he's creating a nightmare for the girls that he loves.

[C]

That. And what are you gonna do about the sister if he passes away in a year? What's your sister gonna do? Cause she lives in.

[B]

Oh my Jeez.

[C]

She lives in the.

[A]

You know, now we have to evict her.

[C]

It's the most of his whole estate is this $400,000 paid off house. And then that's gotta be split four ways. So she's not gonna buy y' all out. So that's gonna be. That needs. These are the conversations that need to happen before he passes away with the sister and him about and his girlfriend. I do feel like. Yeah, I'm with you though as well. I'm like, how do you kick out a nut, you know, if this is in two years, a 90 year old woman.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

I mean, I mean you do.

[A]

I mean, I would sit down with an estate attorney as a third party mediator because between you and dad, it's going to get too contentious and just say, hey, dad, we have an estate attorney coming by. He's going to look at all this and make sure that we've got our eyes dotted T's crossed before we make any financial decisions so that it doesn't create a nightmare for all of us down the line.

[C]

But the hard thing is too, George, is that he is a grown. Like, he can do this.

[A]

He's a grown man.

[C]

So you're going to. That's.

[A]

You can't stop people from doing dumb things. Yeah, but you can try to slow him down.

[C]

When an 87 year old has his mindset, I have a feeling, gosh, man.

[A]

That'S a wild time to fall in love. But hey, you know what? Good for him again. You want him to be happy. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.