My Boyfriend Doesn't Want To Work (Is This a Deal Breaker?)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights Episode: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want To Work (Is This a Deal Breaker?)
Release Date: May 29, 2025
Host/Authors: Ramsey Network, featuring Dr. Laura and Mark

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Introduction

In this insightful episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, Jenny, a 40-year-old surgeon, seeks advice regarding her relationship with her boyfriend, who is an actor struggling to maintain consistent employment. She grapples with whether his reluctance to work should be a deal breaker as they consider future commitments like marriage and cohabitation.

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Jenny's Concern

Jenny reaches out to the show with a pressing dilemma:

• Career Disparity: As a successful surgeon, Jenny earned approximately $280,000 last year and anticipates nearly $500,000 this year. In stark contrast, her boyfriend has only managed to earn less than $23,000 from two acting gigs in the past year, insufficient to qualify for actors' union health insurance.

• Financial Dependence: Their relationship dynamics are shifting as the house will predominantly be under Jenny's name and income. Her boyfriend believes he shouldn't contribute to the mortgage, citing his inability to afford it.

• Future Prospects: Jenny is concerned about building a future together, including marriage and living arrangements, given her boyfriend's current lack of steady income and work ethic.

Jenny states at [00:10]:
"My boyfriend doesn't want to work and is that a deal breaker? [...] But he says that because the house will be under my name as the main wage earner, he doesn't feel like he should pay for any part of the mortgage."

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Hosts' Analysis and Insights

Dr. Laura's Perspective:

• Acknowledging the Core Issue: Dr. Laura immediately identifies that Jenny's underlying concern is not just financial but also about her boyfriend's lack of motivation.
  At [01:19], she remarks:
  "You're asking the question. She's not great with it. She's asking the question. The reason you're asking the question is you're not great with it."

• Value Beyond Income: She emphasizes that the issue transcends monetary contributions; it centers on her boyfriend's work ethic and initiative.
  At [04:03], she sums up:
  "Jenny, do you. You don't have kids, do you?" leading to the conclusion that his lack of responsibility is problematic.

Mark's Perspective:

• Effort Over Earnings: Mark underscores the importance of effort and initiative in a partner, rather than just financial input.
  At [02:26], he asks:
  "What do you think, Ginny? Is that attractive to you? Like, are you, like, what a winner."

• Long-Term Implications: He highlights how her boyfriend's current behavior may predict future challenges, especially regarding commitment and energy投入 into their relationship and potential family.
  At [05:09], he states:
  "And as a reminder, it's not a value of what he's bringing monetarily necessarily, it's the effort, Jenny."

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Key Insights and Conclusions

1. Compatibility and Expectations:

   • Jenny envisioned a partnership where both partners contribute, not just financially but also in terms of effort and responsibility.
   • Her boyfriend's reluctance to work contradicts her expectations, leading to potential long-term resentment.

2. Emotional Clarity:

   • The hosts suggest that Jenny already subconsciously views his behavior as a deal breaker but seeks external validation.
   • At [06:04], Dr. Laura summarizes:
     "The answer to your question is yes, we think it's a deal breaker and so do you. And you just wanted someone else to say it out loud."

3. Character and Work Ethic:

   • A partner's initiative and work ethic are crucial indicators of future relationship satisfaction and stability.
   • Lack of effort, regardless of the reason, signals deeper character issues that may not improve over time.

4. Financial Independence vs. Partnership:

   • While Jenny can financially support herself, the imbalance in effort and contribution can undermine the foundation of their relationship.
   • A healthy partnership thrives on mutual support, both emotionally and practically.

5. Future Implications:

   • Continuing the relationship under the current dynamics may lead to increased bitterness and dissatisfaction.
   • The importance of addressing these issues early to prevent long-term relational conflicts.

Jenny concludes with gratitude at [06:01]:
"You're right. Thank you for being a mirror that I needed to see."

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Final Thoughts

The episode emphasizes that while financial stability is vital, the underlying effort and commitment of both partners are equally crucial for a harmonious and lasting relationship. Jenny's situation serves as a poignant reminder to evaluate not just what a partner can offer materially but also their willingness to contribute and grow together.

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Notable Quotes:

• Jenny at [00:10]:
  "My boyfriend doesn't want to work and is that a deal breaker?"

• Dr. Laura at [04:18]:
  "If you had a daughter that asked you this question, what would you tell her?"

• Mark at [05:09]:
  "It's not a value of what he's bringing monetarily necessarily, it's the effort, Jenny."

• Dr. Laura at [06:04]:
  "You're right. Thank you for being a mirror that I needed to see."

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This episode provides valuable insights for anyone grappling with similar relationship dilemmas, highlighting the importance of aligning career ambitions, work ethics, and mutual support within a partnership.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Jenny]

My question is my boyfriend doesn't want to work and is that a deal breaker? I'm a 40 year old surgeon. In my first job last year I made about $280,000. This year I'm expected to make close to $500,000 in the second year of my work. My boyfriend of one year is an actor and the entire time I've known him for about a year, he's had two days of work as an actor and he made less than $23,000 last year. So he didn't qualify for the actors union health insurance. But we want to continue our relationship and keep moving forward and eventually get married and live together. But he says that because the house will be under my name as the main wage earner, he doesn't feel like he should pay for any part of the mortgage. He also can't. And I'm wondering if that's the deal breaker or if I should just suck it up and pay for the expenses, because I can.

[Mark]

What do you think, Ginny? Is that attractive to you? Like, are you, like, what a winner.

[Jenny]

This is not how I had imagined being in a relationship.

[Mark]

You're smart, you're a surgeon, Jenny. You're really smart. You know, so I'm just, it's just, it kind of, it is interesting because usually, not always, but to a degree, people's intellect, you're attracted to other people's intellect and you're a hard worker. You're. Obviously the schooling you had to go through was insane. And the amount of hours you have to put in and work and to have somebody that doesn't give. And again, I'm not mad that he doesn't have a job as an actor every week, but at least he's like, hey, I'm still busting my butt and I'm part time here, I'm waiting tables here and I'm trying to make this dream work. I'm not mad at the dream, but the fact that there's nothing in between, that that's happening, right. Is like, that's. As a woman who works and all of it, like, that's not attractive to me as a, for a man, a guy that has a level of initiative I find attractive. So I'm just curious if, yeah. If that's how you feel or if you're, if you're great with it and you might be great with it.

[Dr. Laura]

You're asking the question. She's not great with it. She's asking the question. The reason you're asking the question is you're not great with it.

[Jenny]

Again, this is now not how I had imagined being in a relationship with a man would be like me being the provider. Because even though I can provide for myself, I thought our relationship or partnership would be a partnership where I don't.

[Dr. Laura]

Care if he makes as much money. I care that he doesn't work.

[Jenny]

Or.

[Mark]

That again and we live.

[Dr. Laura]

If he wants to dig ditches, I don't care as long as he's doing it all day, every day.

[Jenny]

I've asked him how he can get by without working, and he says he has some residuals coming in from prior work that he's done as an actor, but clearly it's not enough because he didn't.

[Dr. Laura]

Clearly, he sits on his butt. Regardless of why or how, he clearly is an unmotivated slug. Hey, we'll get right back to the call, but first, some of the most heartbreaking calls we get are when a spouse dies without life insurance. Their loved ones can't even take the time to grieve because bills are piling up immediately. But the best way to be sure that doesn't happen to your loved ones is term life insurance from Zander. Term life can help replace lost income, pay off debts, and. And cover, of course, funeral expenses so your family doesn't have to stress out over finances when you're gone. Plan ahead and love your family. Well, by going to Xander.com. he clearly is an unmotivated slug. Clearly.

[Jenny]

He's 51. He's 51. And I'm not sure how much things are going to.

[Dr. Laura]

Jenny, do you. You don't have kids, do you?

[Jenny]

No, he doesn't.

[Dr. Laura]

If you had a daughter that asked you this question, what would you tell her?

[Jenny]

I would probably say, can you find a better guy?

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, that's exactly. And that's what you're. So here's what's happening. You already have made this decision. You just wanted someone else to say it out loud. And I'll tell you, if you go forward with this guy, you're going to get increasingly resentful and increasingly bitter. This is not going to get better. You're not suddenly going to have peace with this. You don't have peace with it now is why you asked the question.

[Mark]

And as a reminder, it's not a value of what he's bringing monetarily necessarily, it's the effort, Jenny. So, yeah, so if you guys have kids. Yeah. If you get married, you guys have Kids. Who he is with his work is the amount of energy he's going to put into that. You know, I mean, your marriage, if your marriage starts to be in a hard spot, the amount of effort that he's putting into his life is what you're going to see there. So it's just an indicator of his level of pursuit in life in general. Starts to kind of show.

[Dr. Laura]

So, yeah, he's cute, but the cute's already worn off.

[Jenny]

So basically it doesn't matter how much money I make and whether we can support ourselves with my money. It's a matter of his.

[Dr. Laura]

It's a matter of he has no work ethic.

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Because a character issue.

[Mark]

And let's say this, it's 20, 25. There's some stay at home dads. Right. Sometimes the woman is the breadwinner and roles have reversed. So even if that was the case and he's like, hey, we're having to support kids and you, you have a demanding job. I'm able to do this and this and this and. You know what I mean? But there's like effort, but there's none of that.

[Dr. Laura]

This is just. I'm gonna sit on a log.

[Mark]

I know. And it's hard because you like him, right? I mean, I'm sorry.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes, it's. The answer to your question is yes, we think it's a deal breaker and so do you. And you just wanted someone else to say it out loud. Did I miss that?

[Jenny]

You're right. Thank you for being a mirror that I needed to see.

[Dr. Laura]

Sorry. Oh, bless your heart. That's hard. It's hard. But yeah, it's because your emotions cloud when you're falling in love and so you tend to put blinders on. But this got pushed far enough one too many times. It came up on the fact he.

[Mark]

Wants to take no responsibility for anything. Did you hear that? Yeah. Put the house in your name and you pay the mortgage because you make the money. And I'm like, oh, golly, man. You know, like all of it. It's just. Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

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