My Girlfriend Keeps Asking When I’m Proposing

Summary

Podcast Summary: "My Girlfriend Keeps Asking When I’m Proposing"
The Ramsey Show Highlights
Release Date: March 4, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, a caller reaches out with a personal dilemma involving his girlfriend's significant student debt and her persistent pressure to get engaged. The advisors delve into the complexities of financial compatibility in relationships, emphasizing the importance of aligned values and open communication.

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Caller’s Situation

The caller explains that his girlfriend relocated from Atlanta to San Diego to live with him. She carries approximately $472,000 in debt from medical school, which has become a point of contention regarding their future together. Despite having discussed his concerns about her debt prior to her move, she continues to press for a marriage proposal, leading to increased tension in their relationship.

• Caller’s Background:
  • Debt Concern: $472,000 in medical school loans
  • Duration Together: Two years of a long-distance relationship, six months cohabiting
  • Employment: Both earn around $150,000 annually
  • Housing: The caller owns his home without any personal debt

Advisors' Initial Reactions

Advisor 1 addresses the immediate issue of the girlfriend’s push for marriage despite her substantial debt. He highlights the caller's apprehension about committing to a life intertwined with a significant financial burden.

• Notable Quote:
  • Advisor 1 (02:16): "Is what's her urgency for you to propose?"

Advisor 2 examines the underlying reasons for the caller's distress, suggesting that the girlfriend's behavior may indicate deeper incompatibilities beyond financial concerns.

• Notable Quote:
  • Advisor 2 (03:18): "Dude, like you feel over water because you don't respect the woman that you thought you were going to marry."

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Deep Dive into Financial Concerns

The conversation shifts to the core issue: the girlfriend's massive debt and her seemingly nonchalant attitude toward it. The advisors emphasize the gravity of such debt and its potential impact on their future together.

• Advisor 2 (04:05): "She owes a half a million dollars but she's not on the phone. We can't help her. I can help you."

The advisors compare the situation to a severe illness, underscoring the emotional and financial strain that significant debt can impose on an individual and their relationships.

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Mismatch in Values and Work Ethic

The caller expresses frustration over his girlfriend’s work ethic, noting that despite her income, she only works part-time as a consultant, which exacerbates concerns about her commitment to managing her debt.

• Caller’s Statement (03:42): "I just feel concerned that she isn't taking it as serious as it is."

Advisor 2 (04:34): Highlights the dangers of ignoring financial realities, likening his girlfriend’s attitude to denying a life-threatening illness.

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Potential Solutions and Recommendations

The advisors propose several pathways forward, focusing on honest communication and re-evaluating the relationship's foundation based on shared values and financial goals.

1. Open and Honest Dialogue:

   • Discuss the mismatch in values and financial priorities.

2. Financial Planning Together:

   • Consider leveraging their combined income ($300,000 annually) to aggressively pay down her debt over 24 to 36 months.

3. Reassessing Relationship Goals:

   • Determine if their long-term goals and financial strategies are truly aligned.

4. Evaluating Compatibility:

   • Acknowledge that deeply unaligned values, especially regarding finances, may necessitate parting ways for individual well-being.

• Advisor 2 (07:21): "Either make the choice in your mind, I'm not going to leave her. We're going to get married. The two of us making $300,000 a year are going to spend the next 24 to 36 months paying off this debt like crazy. Or we're going to have a harder conversation about values."

Advisor 1 (06:37): Points out the disparity between the caller’s debt-free status and his girlfriend’s financial obligations, emphasizing the caller’s efforts to build a stable, debt-free life.

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Final Thoughts and Conclusion

The advisors conclude by reinforcing the importance of financial compatibility and mutual respect in relationships. They advocate for the caller to trust his instincts and prioritize a peaceful, aligned future over immediate gratification through marriage.

• Advisor 2 (07:07): "You are worth having a peaceful life. So have the hard, real, honest conversation underneath it all. Talk about values."

Key Takeaways:

• Financial Transparency: Essential for building a strong, trust-based relationship.
• Aligned Values: Core to long-term compatibility and mutual respect.
• Proactive Communication: Addressing financial concerns openly can prevent future conflicts.
• Self-Worth: Recognizing one’s value is crucial in making informed relationship decisions.

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Conclusion

This episode serves as a poignant reminder of how financial matters can profoundly influence personal relationships. By addressing debt concerns, valuing aligned goals, and maintaining open lines of communication, individuals can navigate the complexities of love and money more effectively.

Transcript

[John]

Brought to you by chm, a biblically based alternative to health insurance. Learn [e-mail] budget so, my name is John.

[Caller]

My girlfriend moved from Atlanta to San Diego, moved in with me, and she has about $472,000 in debt from med school. And he's wondering if there's going to be a proposal. Well, before she moved, I had told her that I was a bit concerned with the debt and that we had to figure that out before things moved forward. And yeah, long story short, she's moved over and we've been living together for about six months and she.

[Advisor 1]

So she wants you to propose? She's like, hey, when are you going to pop the question? And you're like, hey, when are you going to get rid of the half million dollar loans that you got?

[Advisor 2]

Hold on. But even before that, she was like, he, I want to move in. And you're like, I've got. I got some reservations about you owing half a million dollars. And then you just made it sound like she just showed up at your house.

[Caller]

No, we. We were dating, or we've been dating for about two years now, long distance. Because she was going to school, finishing up school. So as she was getting ready to finish, she was like, okay, so I'm getting ready to finish and you know, like, what's going on? So I told her, you know, like, I mean, I don't mind you moving over, but I know where this is going to go once you move over here. And I would rather have a concrete plan that go.

[Advisor 2]

So that probably would have been a better conversation before you were sitting on her couch that's in your living room, but here you are. So what are you going to do?

[Caller]

Well, that's what I'm trying to get help with.

[Advisor 2]

And, well, she already moved in, so, like, what are you gonna do? You gonna kick her out?

[Caller]

I'm not gonna kick her out, but, you know, like, just having a question getting asked, like every, I don't know, once a month or every three weeks.

[Advisor 1]

Is what's her urgency for you to propose?

[Caller]

Well, most of her friends are married, you know, like getting along with a life, with their lives. And she just wanted to know, well.

[Advisor 1]

Now you're playing house. So she's like, hey, can we make this a home? I feel like, you know, we've already committed to each other in this way. Why aren't you proposing? So I'm trying to see from her perspective. And I also know in this show, I've never told someone not to get married to Someone because of their debt load. Now I would tell them to pause if we're not aligned in how we're going to deal with the debt. So is that the part that worries you? Has she said, I'm not worried about it. Pay it off when I can. What's her plan?

[Caller]

Yeah, the what worries me is, okay, she, she's a physician and she got a job, a consultant job where she only works four days a week and she works out of the four days a week. She works like four hours a or five hours a day.

[Advisor 2]

Okay, so can we cut to it? Dude, like you feel over water because you don't respect the woman that you thought you were going to marry. She's not who you thought she was going to be.

[Caller]

I just feel concerned that she isn't taking it as serious as it is.

[Advisor 2]

Okay, so get beneath that. She's not who you thought she was. And you made a huge step by inviting her to move across the country into your home and on a day to day basis living this thing out. You realize she's not who I thought she was. When it comes to work ethic. When it comes to this.

[Caller]

When it comes to work ethic especially.

[Advisor 2]

Yeah, but also what does that mean? That means that she doesn't have a full picture of the state of emergency that she's in because she owes a half a million dollars. And she does, she just wants to get married and just pretend like I will be fine. You won't be fine. You have a million dollars in a non dischargeable loan. Right.

[Caller]

She keeps telling me that, you know, she knows other people, all the physicians that have just as much debt and they're able to live their life.

[Advisor 2]

I know, but as a guy who sat with physicians who are on the brink of losing everything and if you look at the suicide rates and you look at the mental health challenges, I don't give a crap. That's like saying. That's like going to a cancer ward and being like, yeah, but look, everyone else is sick. I still don't want to have cancer. I don't want to be sick. And so it doesn't matter. That's just, that's a weird way to anesthetize the pain of reality, which is she owes a half a million dollars but she's not on the phone. We can't help her. I can help you. And I think you have to be honest about, I don't know that I respect this woman anymore. And I'm not going to judge you, right, wrong or indifferent. You get to Respect who you want to respect. But that plays into can I love this person. What happens when we have a kid and she just decides, fill in the blank. Everyone else does X, Y and Z for a kid. What happens when it comes to the kid's car? We don't. We can't afford this car. Everyone else is giving their kid a BMW. Right. That might be the rest of your life. And I think you're wise to listen to your innate alarm systems that, like, whoa, something's not whole here. But what's not fair for her is you're not being honest with her. You're trying to be annoyed that she keeps hitting you up to get married. Get married. Get married. And you're not sitting down saying, I don't know if I can marry you. Because we're so far from being aligned on. On things like integrity, character, respect, the. The. My fear of owing other people money, et cetera. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah. Well, I've brought it up to her, and she keeps telling me that she's working on it and she's, you know, like, possibly looking to get a different job.

[Advisor 1]

And what does she make now?

[Caller]

About the same, like 150.

[Advisor 1]

And what do you make?

[Caller]

About 150.

[Advisor 1]

And do you have any debt?

[Caller]

I do not.

[Advisor 1]

Do you own your place or do you rent?

[Caller]

I read.

[Advisor 1]

Okay, so as part of this that you worked so hard to avoid debt, to create this life for yourself, to build this work ethic, and now you're. You're tethered to someone who doesn't align in that way.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Advisor 2]

Have you said, I don't want to have a household where other people decide what we do every day? I want to be free.

[Caller]

I've told her that I don't feel comfortable with the debt.

[Advisor 2]

Okay. And she has said, I don't care what you think. When are you going to marry me?

[Caller]

Well, not verbally, but she keeps on telling me that, you know, like, there are other physicians in her field that, oh, just as much or even more.

[Advisor 1]

And there she's going to spend her whole life comparing hers to others. That is a red flag in and of itself that I think you need to address with her. Everything so far has been, well, her friends are all getting married and her physician friends all have debt, and she's.

[Advisor 2]

Not even a physician, so that doesn't even hold. But here's the thing. Either good man. Either make the choice in your mind, I'm not going to leave her. We're going to get married. And the two of us making $300,000 a year are going to spend the next 24 to 36 months paying off this debt like crazy. Or we're going to have a harder conversation about values. And we may have to part ways because our values are so deeply unaligned. But what you're doing right now is you're playing ping pong in your own mind and you're making yourself bananas and you are worth having a peaceful life. So have the hard, real, honest conversation underneath it all. Talk about values. And then you have to have your or what? Statement. What are you going to do if she says I'm not doing that? That's your call, brother.

[John]

CHM isn't health insurance. It's a health cost sharing ministry. Check it out for [e-mail] budget.