My Husband Got Fired for Threatening His Boss

Summary

Episode Overview

Theme:
This episode centers on a caller, Mary, who seeks advice after her husband was fired from his job for threatening his boss. As the sole earner, Mary is overwhelmed by financial strain, her husband’s lack of motivation, and looming marital stress. The hosts offer candid counsel on marriage, boundaries, and financial self-protection, emphasizing the seriousness of the situation and the necessity for difficult conversations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mary's Situation and Struggles

• Financial Burden: Mary is newly married and her husband has $35,000–$45,000 in debt. She is using her salary to cover bills and mortgage, with nothing left over (00:09–00:56).
• Husband's Unemployment & Disengagement: He lost his job about six months ago, is unmotivated to find new employment, and rarely applies for jobs—all while relying on 401k withdrawals (00:25–01:56).
• Emotional Toll: Mary feels stuck, unsupported, and emotionally drained.

“All I do is just pay bills, mortgage, and by the time I'm done paying, there is nothing left. So it just feels like I'm never getting ahead.”
— Mary (00:49)

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2. Exploring the Root Issues: Motivation and Pride

• Host's Reaction: The hosts express frustration and concern over the lack of responsibility (00:55–01:17).
• Family Involvement: Even his family is urging him to “take any stupid job,” but his pride holds him back (02:31–02:44).
• Denial and Lack of Ownership: The husband does not acknowledge his pride or the seriousness of the situation.

“You've identified that it is pride. I assume that he's calling it pride as well.”
— Financial Advisor 2 (02:44)
“No, he ... doesn’t know it.”
— Mary (02:53)

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3. Marriage Dynamics and Emotional Disconnect

• Attempts at Communication: Mary admits to sharing her fears and breaking down in front of her husband—he only offers a passive “I’m sorry” (03:02–03:48).
• Lack of Empathy and Initiative: The hosts highlight the need for confronting him seriously and question whether he’s emotionally checked out (04:26).

“You got married to this guy because you wanted the companionship? Because life is better doing it with someone else, right?”
— Financial Advisor 1 (04:46)

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4. Job Loss Circumstances

• Previous Role and Salary: Husband was an engineer making $130,000 (05:02–05:05).
• Reason for Dismissal: Fired for threatening his boss—suggesting ongoing behavioral concerns and denial about the consequences (05:17–05:51).

“He threatened his boss. Okay.”
— Financial Advisor 1 (05:20)

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5. Tough Love and Urgent Recommendations

• Confrontation Needed: The hosts strongly suggest a stark conversation about the future of the marriage (05:27–05:59).
• Counseling or Separation: If counseling isn’t an option, separation may be necessary to protect Mary’s well-being and finances.

“If you can't help us, then is there an us? You know, I mean, it's that serious.”
— Financial Advisor 2 (03:52)

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6. Financial Boundaries and Self-Protection

• Four Walls Approach: Mary should prioritize essentials—mortgage, food, utilities, and transportation. Ignore his debts/lifestyle expenses if necessary (06:36–07:22).
• Separate Finances: Since accounts are already separate, reiterate the importance of not paying his personal debts or allowing him access to her money (07:22–08:30).
• Debt Responsibility: Confirm none of the husband’s debts are in Mary’s name; she is advised to focus on her own financial security (07:46–07:56).

“Don’t cover his bills. We're not covering anything for his lifestyle.”
— Financial Advisor 1 (07:09)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Motivation and Responsibility:
  “Maybe providing for your new wife. Is that not on his radar?”
  — Financial Advisor 1 (00:55)
• On Communication:
  “You have to tell him that. If you can't help us, then is there an us?”
  — Financial Advisor 2 (03:52)
• On Setting Boundaries:
  “You come first. Don't cover his bills. We're not covering anything for his lifestyle.”
  — Financial Advisor 1 (07:09)

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Important Timestamps

• Caller’s Problem Statement: 00:09–00:55
• Husband’s Unemployment & Lack of Motivation: 00:56–02:03
• Family Pressure & Pride Issues: 02:31–02:44
• Emotional Disconnection: 03:02–03:48
• Incident with Boss; Cause of Firing: 05:17–05:51
• Counseling & Separation Advice: 05:59–07:09
• Protecting Finances: 06:36–08:30

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Conclusion

The episode delivers a stark, compassionate, and practical response to Mary’s crisis. With blunt honesty, the hosts clarify that while financial answers are limited, personal boundaries and possibly marital counseling—or separation—are essential steps. The tone is empathetic but urgent, highlighting that Mary must prioritize her well-being and financial future even if it means making very tough decisions.

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For listeners in similar situations:

• Communicate openly and honestly about financial expectations and responsibilities.
• Establish financial boundaries to protect yourself.
• Seek counseling or professional help.
• Prioritize your own stability and well-being.

Transcript

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[Mary]

i've been stuck in kind of like a situation where I really, I'm newly married and I don't believe in dates. And I really love what you guys preach. I'm trying to get my husband on board. He has, when we got married, he has like over 35, 40k in dates, and that's okay. So I was trying to encourage him to get out of date, use my salary, to use my salary to pay his date. But he currently lost his job in last year and he has no motivation in trying to find a new job. So I'm always trying to like my money. All I do is just pay bills, mortgage, and by the time I'm done paying, there is nothing left. So it just feels like I'm never getting ahead.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Wow. So sorry, Mary. I mean, I can think of one way to stay motivated. Maybe providing for your new wife. Is that not on his radar?

[Mary]

Providing for his new wife?

[Financial Advisor 1]

You, you said you just got married to this guy, he doesn't have a job. You're struggling to pay bills, and you say he has no motivation to work.

[Mary]

Yeah, he lost his job. So his excuse is like, oh, I can't.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Did he get fired? What happened? Is he, Is he in a depressive state because of this?

[Mary]

Yeah, he got fired and he's. He's kind of like, really. He's kind of really confident that I'll get a new job and he'll only apply like one job in a month and it's been six months now, and really, like no motivation at all. If he gets out of his 401k to pay some of the bills, like to pay some of his dates.

[Financial Advisor 1]

He took a withdrawal from his 401k to pay bills and cover his debt payments.

[Mary]

Yes, because my salary can't pay all. His date.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Oh, my goodness.

[Mary]

Can only cover my salary, can only cover mortgage and the house bills, not his date.

[Financial Advisor 2]

Well, the challenge is there's really no answer. We can't give you a step one, step two, step three on this. It really can't. This has to be a very, very serious marriage conversation. Have you confronted him about this? To say, hey, I don't think this is sustainable. We can't keep doing this. My. My salary is not enough to take care of all of this. We're falling behind. I feel like you're not applying for enough jobs. What's his response?

[Mary]

I haven't. His family has encouraged him to like to even just Take any stupid job, like, to just pay bills, but his pride will not let him to take anything. He's just like, until I get something that is comfortable for me.

[Financial Advisor 2]

Yeah, but. Okay, okay, I appreciate that. And you've identified that it is pride. I assume that he's calling it pride as well.

[Mary]

No, he doesn't know it. Like, he still does. He still thinks he's always. I don't know.

[Financial Advisor 2]

Have you shared how uncomfortable and how afraid you are?

[Mary]

Yeah, and he sees me cry. When it comes to bills. When it comes to.

[Financial Advisor 2]

What does he do?

[Mary]

I'm sorry?

[Financial Advisor 2]

What does he do when he sees you cry? He just says, I'm sorry.

[Mary]

I'm sorry. And that's it.

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[Mary]

I'm sorry. And that's it.

[Financial Advisor 2]

Well, yikes. You know, again, I. There's nothing that we can say here. I mean, this is a. You have to tell him that. If you can't help us, then is there an us? You know, I mean, it's that serious. This. This guy is just kind of waving this at every day, kind of going, well, I'll just do this and hope it works out and there's just no urgency. And it puts you in a very tough position. And I don't. I don't have some magical answer, George. I don't know what your thoughts are here. This is very, very frustrating for you.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Yeah, well, I do think you need to make it more clear how serious this is. And it sounds like he's disassociating is what we call it when he's just gone. Well, I'm just going to sort of numb out because I don't have the willpower to do anything about it. Is that what's happening here? Because you got married to this guy because you wanted the companionship? Because life is better doing it with someone else, right?

[Mary]

Yeah, I see some jobs and send them his way. Like, everybody's trying to give him leads about jobs, but it's just the motivation for him.

[Financial Advisor 1]

What was he doing for work and what was he making?

[Mary]

He was making 130. He was an engineer.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Engineer making 130. And he's been applying for engineering jobs, or he applied for one.

[Mary]

He's applied for engineering jobs.

[Financial Advisor 1]

And why did he get fired?

[Mary]

They said he threatened his boss.

[Financial Advisor 1]

He threatened his boss. Okay.

[Financial Advisor 2]

So how long you been married to this guy?

[Mary]

Two years.

[Financial Advisor 2]

Yeah, I mean, I think you have to get his attention and go, we got to talk about our marriage. I've already brought up all the money stuff to you, and you're not doing anything about it. And you're not in a good place. You were in a bad place. You're in a bad place if you threaten your boss. Can we agree you're in a bad place?

[Mary]

Yeah. He still doesn't believe. He still doesn't agree that he thinks it was unfair that he was let go.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Well, there's a lack of ownership all over the place with this guy. Is that the case throughout your marriage?

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Financial Advisor 1]

It's never his fault. It's always someone else's fault.

[Financial Advisor 2]

You got to take care of you Right now, I think this is a legit conversation about separation to get his. To get his attention. But at this point, if he's willing to go to marriage counseling, you're going to have to figure out how to afford that because you guys are broke. But I would give that a try and get a therapist in the room with you, too. You got to try that. But I wouldn't keep letting this guy just put all the pressure on you and show no desire at all to help out. So at this point, how can you make more money and you be in control of the finances so this guy can't wreck you anymore?

[Financial Advisor 1]

Yeah, I wouldn't be concerned about his debt right now. It's about covering the four walls and protecting yourself. So the first thing you cover is going to be your mortgage. You guys own a home or you rent?

[Mary]

Yeah, we own a home.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Okay, so we're going to cover the mortgage, we're going to put food on the table, we're going to keep the utilities on, cover all of those bills, and cover your transportation needs. Outside of that, if you can't pay for it, you can't pay for it. If you can't make the minimum debt payment, so be it. I'd rather have the credit card companies mad than your house being taken away from you. Okay, so you come first. Don't cover his bills. We're not covering anything for his lifestyle. In fact, you may want. If this isn't going well and counseling is not an option for him, you may want to create your own separate account so that he doesn't start to drain it in his depressive state.

[Mary]

We've never joined accounts.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Okay, so it's separate. Your money goes to your account, and you're paying all of the bills from that one account.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Do you have a full picture of his finances? Do you actually know how much debt he has?

[Mary]

It's around 45k.

[Financial Advisor 1]

And what kind of debt is that?

[Mary]

Mortgage, school loans. He has a personal loan and his car.

[Financial Advisor 2]

And none of that is in your name?

[Mary]

None of it. None of it is in my name.

[Financial Advisor 1]

Right.

[Financial Advisor 2]

Well, there's the good news. So that's the best news of this entire call, is that he can't drag you down. You can take care of the mortgage. I think you need to be thinking about how do I make more income, how do I create, you know, an emergency fund, how do I create more margin so that his destructive behavior and what he's doing, by the way, is destructive. He's not doing much, but it's destructive. And so you got to take care of yourself right now. And we're hoping. We're hoping we can get you guys in some therapy and that you guys figure this thing out. But you got to protect yourself right now, unfortunately. And we're so very sorry to hear that you're going through this.

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