My Husband Is So Controlling I Can't Even Access Money To Leave Him

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights Episode: My Husband Is So Controlling I Can't Even Access Money To Leave Him
Release Date: August 1, 2025
Host: Ramsey Network
Featured Experts: Dave Ramsey, John Delony

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, Ellie reaches out for help regarding her tumultuous marriage marred by financial control and abuse. With over two decades of marriage behind her, Ellie's story underscores the critical importance of financial communication and independence within a relationship.

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Ellie's Story: A Marriage Under Financial Strain

Ellie begins by sharing her 20-year marriage to a Navy Reserve officer, highlighting the initial lack of financial communication that set the stage for ongoing conflict. Despite both partners having substantial incomes—Ellie as a nurse and her husband in the Naval Reserve—their differing approaches to money management have led to significant strain.

Ellie [00:07]: "We started this marriage with no communication about finances. I'm the spender, he's the saver."

Her husband’s rigid, "black and white" mentality, coupled with his lack of personal interests and hobbies, exacerbates Ellie's struggles with spending, making her feel increasingly constrained.

Ellie [00:18]: "He doesn’t need vacations, doesn't have hobbies, friends, nothing. So, that just puts my spending on steroids."

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The Depth of Financial Control and Abuse

Ellie reveals how her husband's controlling nature extends to their finances. They never shared bank accounts; instead, he manages all finances exclusively, transferring her “allowance” to her account and restricting her access to broader financial information.

Ellie [00:58]: "He’s gotten so financially abusive. We've never shared accounts."

This lack of transparency and control has left Ellie feeling powerless, unable to make independent financial decisions or even access funds necessary for her wellbeing.

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Attempted Communication and Its Challenges

Seeking solutions, Ellie has attempted to discuss their financial disconnect. However, her efforts are met with deflection and defensiveness, making meaningful dialogue nearly impossible. She describes her husband’s behavior as "narcissistic" and likens it to traits of Asperger's, which hinders any productive conversation about their financial future.

Ellie [01:22]: "There’s no having a conversation with him. He deflects, gets defensive."

Her attempts to bridge the communication gap have been unsuccessful, leaving her feeling trapped and unheard within her marriage.

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Expert Advice: Taking Control and Preparing to Leave

John Delony steps in to guide Ellie through her predicament, emphasizing the importance of regaining financial autonomy. He challenges Ellie to take actionable steps despite her fears and perceived financial constraints.

John Delony [02:27]: "Have you sat down with him and said, 'I'm planning to leave you'?"

Delony encourages Ellie to:

1. Reallocate Direct Deposits: Change the direct deposit of her salary to her own account, thereby gaining immediate access to her earnings.

2. Seek Legal Counsel: Persist in finding an attorney willing to work on a contingency basis, ensuring she can obtain legal assistance without upfront costs.

3. Increase Income: Consider transitioning from part-time to full-time work to bolster her financial independence.

John Delony [07:05]: "You could have an apartment tomorrow if you wanted one, period."

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Addressing Financial Fears and Anxiety

Ellie expresses deep anxiety over the potential repercussions of leaving her husband, fearing he will sabotage her efforts by cutting off essential services or creating additional financial hurdles.

Ellie [06:54]: "I just want to get out and I don't know how to get out without a dime."

Delony and Dave Ramsey collectively reassure Ellie that her fears, while valid, can be managed by taking decisive actions to secure her financial foundation. They emphasize that Ellie already has resources and options available to her.

Dave Ramsey [07:50]: "You could. Yes, you can."

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Empowerment and Moving Forward

The episode culminates with a strong message of empowerment. Ellie is encouraged to stop viewing her situation as insurmountable and to instead focus on the steps she can take immediately to regain control.

John Delony [08:26]: "You are creating future narratives and you're experiencing them in the now."

Ellie is urged to shift her perspective from anxiety to proactive measures, ensuring her and her children's well-being. The experts advocate for taking ownership of her financial situation, reinforcing that Ellie possesses the strength and capability to effect change.

John Delony [09:15]: "It's day one. Go make your move."

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Key Takeaways

• Financial Communication is Crucial: Transparency and open dialogue about finances are essential for a healthy marriage.

• Regaining Financial Independence: Changing direct deposit, seeking legal help, and increasing personal income are actionable steps toward financial autonomy.

• Overcoming Fear and Anxiety: Addressing fears head-on and focusing on immediate, controllable actions can empower individuals in abusive financial relationships.

• Support Systems are Vital: Consulting with professionals and leveraging support networks can provide the necessary guidance and resources to navigate complex marital financial issues.

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Conclusion

Ellie's heartfelt story serves as a poignant reminder of the importance of financial independence and communication within a marriage. Through expert advice and a focus on actionable steps, The Ramsey Show Highlights provides a roadmap for individuals facing similar financial control challenges, offering hope and practical solutions for reclaiming their financial freedom.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Ellie]

So, you know, I've been married just over 20 years now to a man that, you know, he has a great job. Naval Reserve is the officer in the Naval Reserves. You know, I'm a nurse. We have great incomes. But, you know, we started out this marriage with, you know, it all kind of evolved because we really started this marriage with no communication about finances. And, you know, it's the typical. I'm the spender, he's the saver. But to him, he's very black and white, very engineer like, needs nothing in his life. You know, he doesn't need vacations, doesn't have hobbies, friends, nothing. So, you know, that just puts my spending on steroids, which I don't even spend that much. I mean, it's just that.

[Dave Ramsey]

But to him, you're Congress, you might as well be. You're out of control.

[Ellie]

Right, so he runs because he's so. Yes. He's just so literal to the point that, I mean, and that is the issue. The degree that he is literal is the problem. And it's created this, you know, he's gotten so financially abusive. We've never shared accounts. He, you know, he transfers what he wants, my allowance to my account. I can't see the other counts.

[John Delony]

Okay, hold on a second. Hold on one second. Hold on, hold on, hold on. He's not on the call, so I can tell you right now he sucks. That's. That's not a way to be married to somebody. Okay, but he's not on the call.

[Ellie]

I understand.

[John Delony]

So let me ask you, what have you done to try to bridge this gap?

[Ellie]

Well, I mean, the problem is he only cares about.

[John Delony]

No, no, you just brought. You, you went right back to him. Come to you. What if. What have you done to try to bridge this gap?

[Ellie]

Him. I have tried to talk to him, you know, and say we need to communicate about this. We came into the marriage, I came in with like a two year old. And I think we lived very separately. At first our finances were divided, which was fine, but when we had our twins, it needed to be combined. And then it all just went downhill from there. I have tried to talk to him, but he's. He's one that is very. I mean, I say narcissistic, Asperger's. There's no having a conversation with him. He deflects, gets defensive. You can't get past that. We have never communicated in the 20 years.

[John Delony]

Okay, okay, then let's do something different.

[Ellie]

To dive into it.

[John Delony]

Let's do something different then. Okay. Have you ever sat down with your husband and said, listen? Because here's what's funny. I can feel myself getting defensive talking to you. And I. I barely know how Excel works. I'm. As far. My wife's love language is spreadsheets and lists. Lists.

[Ellie]

That's his.

[John Delony]

Okay. And I. I know how Excel were. I know how one of the formulas works in Excel.

[Ellie]

Yep. Okay, same.

[John Delony]

So have you sat down with him and said, listen, I'm. I've got one foot out the door. I don't feel safe in this marriage. I don't feel like. Not. We need to communicate better. Because he's probably thinking, I communicate fine with the equal sum function on Excel. What is so hard? Why are we not communicating? Have you said, I don't feel safe in this house?

[Ellie]

Yes. He doesn't. That. That doesn't faze him. He doesn't.

[John Delony]

Okay, okay. But listen, then. Listen, listen, listen. Then you are. You're every. If you've tried that. If you have said, I don't feel safe in my home. I don't feel safe in this marriage. I'm worried about our kids. And he has looked at you, whether either exactly or behaviorally, and said, I don't care what you think or what you feel. Listen, if he's done that, then every second you spend going back to 20 years ago and I've done this and I. Is a. Is a waste of energy.

[Ellie]

Yes. Yes.

[John Delony]

It just is. He is. He has left you so long ago. He just never filed papers.

[Ellie]

Nope.

[John Delony]

Okay. So the better use of your energy and your time and your spirit and your love for yourself and for your kids is to exhale and to grieve that. That. That emptiness of your marriage in real time and then go be about this scary question. What am I going to do now?

[Ellie]

Well, that's my real question, is how do you get out when you have no access to any of the finances? I can't get a retainer fee. I mean, and the question I had is, do you open. You know, all my friends say, open up a credit card. I mean, I'll max that baby out in six months because I don't even know if I can get credit because I've never had a credit card. When I did, the one time I did.

[John Delony]

Hold on.

[Ellie]

I didn't want to spend anything. He said, with all your own credit card.

[John Delony]

You're just spinning circles inside your own chest. I know it's scary. Okay. Have you called an attorney yet?

[Ellie]

I don't have money to even.

[John Delony]

You don't know that though.

[Ellie]

The money to even do a, you know, a consult fee.

[John Delony]

You don't know that.

[Ellie]

I have, yes. In the past I have talked to a couple of attorneys.

[John Delony]

Okay. Have you sat down and said, my husband, we have a ton of money. I have no access to it and so I'm going to have to pay you all as a percentage on the back end.

[Ellie]

The couple that I have weren't really willing to do that.

[John Delony]

Okay, then go to the next one.

[Ellie]

That was, that's been five years now.

[John Delony]

Then go to the next one or go get yourself a part time job.

[Dave Ramsey]

And where is your money?

[Ellie]

I have a job.

[John Delony]

Okay.

[Ellie]

He handles it. He. He.

[Dave Ramsey]

No. Where do your paychecks go? They go direct deposit into his bank account that he has sole ownership of.

[Ellie]

Well, we have, we recently, in five years ago, we opened up a joint account that his paycheck and my check go into. And then he, he takes everything out and transfers it back to his account and leaves me, you know, like a week.

[Dave Ramsey]

Listen, you have control. But you have say in the joint account, right?

[Ellie]

No, but if I take more than he wants me to, he will deduct that.

[Dave Ramsey]

Change the direct deposit to go into your account, right?

[John Delony]

Go right to your boss.

[Ellie]

I have, I have. And then he tells me, then he, then he tells me he, he's going to, he's going to change his direct deposit and won't give me anything because I'm playing games. He's done it.

[John Delony]

No, no, no.

[Ellie]

His direct deposit.

[John Delony]

You are playing games. Tell him I am planning to leave you.

[Ellie]

I'm worried to say that only because he knows that we talk about divorce all the time, but he doesn't care. That doesn't faze him. He doesn't care if I leave. He. But, but if I tell him that, he'll just be like, do what you need to do.

[John Delony]

Okay, then why does that scare you so bad?

[Ellie]

Because I don't know. I can't. I don't know how to get money to get out because he's going to play games during the divorce. I know I'll be fine. At the end. I'm worried about. I can't just run out like my friends and go get an apartment. You know he's going to stop paying the phone bill. You know he's going to take all the things like stop paying the car insurance. He's going to. And he's going to cut off everything. Is this, tell me he can't pay it because now we have to pay for a divorce.

[John Delony]

Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie. Is this real?

[Ellie]

Oh, no, I know it's not. I just want to get out and I don't know how to get out without a dime, how to walk away without a dime. I don't care about the relationship.

[John Delony]

How much money do you make? How much money do you. Do you make in your job?

[Ellie]

Well, I'm only working part time now. I probably make only about 40,000 as a nurse he makes, you know, then.

[John Delony]

You might have to go full time. If you are. If your marriage is this far gone and you're with somebody who's so abusive. Listen, listen, Ellie, listen. What you're saying simply isn't true. You make 40,000 bucks a year and you could turn a switch on and make 65 starting tomorrow and it would change your kids lives, it would change your life. You'd have to get childcare, you'd have to get rides. All that is true. But you could have an apartment tomorrow if you wanted one, period. And you might have to pay the phone bill. You might have to pay car insurance. All that is true. But you could.

[Ellie]

I could do that without credit.

[John Delony]

You could. Yes, you can.

[Dave Ramsey]

You don't need credit to switch car insurance and to get a phone. You're not going to go into debt, Right. So please don't open a credit card. You have money. You can do this. Are you in debt right now?

[Ellie]

No.

[John Delony]

No. Good.

[Ellie]

I'm not. I mean, we have like 10,000 on one credit card, but I mean that.

[Dave Ramsey]

Your name is on.

[John Delony]

You're making. You've made up so many stories.

[Ellie]

His card.

[John Delony]

Listen, you've made up so many stories in your mind about what's going to happen and then this is going to happen and then that's going to happen. That's called anxiety. You are. You are creating future narratives and you're experiencing them in the now.

[Ellie]

Yes. I get so worried because I know he's going to make this a living. You know?

[John Delony]

He is. He is because he's. He might. Maybe because he's that kind of guy. Okay, but what are you. What's your option to keep just wrapping this spider's web around your arms and your legs and your eyes and your ears and your nose and your neck and all over or he's going to do what he's going to do. I'm going to go do the next right thing for me and my family, period.

[Ellie]

Yes. I mean, my kids are in college, but you know, he.

[John Delony]

Then, then, then you can be in a one bedroom apartment tomorrow with $40,000. You can go to full time tomorrow and make $80,000 or $60,000. All of these things are true.

[Dave Ramsey]

And you can change direct deposit. And yes, he's going to retaliate and he's going to do all these things. It doesn't matter. You're going to take ownership of the things you have control over. And there's more in control than you think.

[John Delony]

It's day one. Go make your move.

[Dave Ramsey]

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