My Husband Refuses To Work (It's Been 12 Years)

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Episode Overview

Title: My Husband Refuses To Work (It's Been 12 Years)
Date: August 5, 2026
Podcast: The Ramsey Show Highlights (Ramsey Network)
Hosts: Dave Ramsey & Rachel Cruze
Caller: Linda

In this episode, Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze take a call from Linda, a 35-year-old nurse and mother of two, who has been with her common law husband for 15 years. Linda shares her frustration over being the sole financial provider for the family while her husband has refused to work for the past 12 years. She seeks advice on whether to take out a HELOC loan to invest in real estate with her father and navigates deep questions about her relationship and financial health. The discussion explores themes of financial responsibility, unhealthy relationship patterns, and the importance of healthy role models for children.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Linda’s Situation: Background and Main Concerns

• Linda’s Profile:

  • 35, Registered Nurse, two kids
  • Not legally married (common law partnership)
  • Husband unemployed for 12 years, with no intent to seek work
  • $45,000 in student/car debt
  • Owns a $400,000 home, gifted by her father

• Current Financial/Family Dynamic:

  • Husband was the kids’ primary carer during the pandemic, but has not returned to work since children resumed in-class schooling
  • Living "paycheck to paycheck" despite a stable job
  • Considering a HELOC loan to invest in real estate with her father

• Family Pressure:

  • Father wants her husband to work and questions Linda’s tolerance of the situation
  • Linda is worried about setting an unhealthy example for her children

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2. Exploring the Husband’s Role & Accountability

• Husband’s Behavior:

  • Refuses to seek employment or help with finances post-pandemic
  • Minimal engagement beyond basic household management
  • Past and current substance abuse issues (alcohol)

• Discussion of "Stay-at-Home Dad" Dynamic:

  • Rachel questions if the behavior would be viewed differently if gender roles were reversed

    "If a man called and said, we're paycheck to paycheck, my wife refuses to get a job [...] does that make a difference?" (06:11)

  • Both hosts agree the issue isn’t about traditional roles, but about unwillingness to contribute financially or supportively

• Dave’s Direct Stance:

  • Addresses Linda’s enabling; urges her to draw firm boundaries

    "So this is now your fault. It's no longer his fault because you've tolerated it this long." (05:31)

  • Strongly suggests that unless the husband steps up, Linda should consider asking him to leave for the well-being of the family

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3. Financial Advice: The HELOC Question

• HELOC to Invest with Father:

  • Dave's unequivocal advice:

    "I would not pull a HELOC loan to invest with your father under any circumstances. [...] We don't teach people to borrow money to invest." (03:30)

• Asset Protection:

  • Clarifies that, based on state law and the circumstances, the house remains Linda’s, not the husband's (03:11 – 03:23)

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4. Modeling for Children and Long-Term Health

• Setting Healthy Examples:

  • Hosts point out the risk of modeling apathy and lack of responsibility, especially for her kids

    "The proper thing to do for the children is to not let this model be in front of them." (04:07)

• How to Move Forward:

  • Recommend Linda seek help from a professional marriage counselor—not just rely on advice from the podcast or family

    "If I were you, I would get somebody other than a couple of people on a podcast or, or your dad to advise you on this." (05:15)

  • Stresses it’s likely the husband will not change after over a decade of this pattern

    "I don't think this, as they say, leopard is going to change his spots." (08:30)

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5. Empathy and Encouragement for Linda

• Acknowledgement of Linda’s Strengths:
  • Dave and Rachel highlight Linda’s accomplishments: her career, home ownership, and pursuit of further education

    "Linda, I love the independence that you can have and that you have and you’re gonna need it." (08:30)

  • Encourage her to prioritize her own and her children’s well-being by seeking safe, healthy circumstances

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dave Ramsey, on enabling:

  "This is now your fault. It's no longer his fault because you've tolerated it this long. So now you've got to correct your problem that you created by drawing a line in the sand." (05:31)

• Rachel Cruze, on gender roles:

  "If a man called and said, we're paycheck to paycheck, my wife refuses to get a job, X, Y and Z, does that make a difference?" (06:11)

• Dave Ramsey, on role modeling:

  "I don't want my children thinking this is how a man behaves." (04:02)

• Rachel Cruze, on the division of labor:

  "When one spouse is the only income earner and is struggling and reaching out...it's kind of all hands on deck. [...] That's the attitude approach of a healthy marriage." (06:38)

• Dave Ramsey, blunt response to habitual laziness:

  "I don't think this guy wants to be. I don't think this guy's asking to be a stay at home dad. I think this guy doesn't want to work." (06:31)

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Important Timestamps

• Linda’s introduction and summary of situation: 00:06–01:23
• Question about the HELOC and investing: 01:55–03:30
• Discussion on long-term enabling and boundaries: 03:55–05:31
• Addressing effects on children and substance abuse: 03:55–04:30
• Rachel’s gender role thought exercise: 06:11–06:38
• Hosts’ closing guidance and encouragement: 08:18–09:30

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Takeaways

• Financial: Do not take on debt to invest, especially when personal/family dynamics are unstable.
• Relational: Long-term enabling of non-contribution creates future hardship, not just for the couple, but especially for children.
• Next Steps: Seek outside professional counseling to set healthy boundaries and protect personal and family well-being.
• Empowerment: Linda is encouraged to pursue further education and enjoy her independence, modeling resilience and responsibility for her children.

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This episode offers compassionate but direct advice, balancing empathy for Linda’s struggle with clear boundaries and encouragement to seek professional support for her and her family’s future.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Linda]

I am 35 years old. I have two kids. I have a common law husband who's been unemployed for 12 years. I've been with him for 15. I have a total debt of 45k in student loans on my car. I have a home that was gifted to me that was worth $400,000. So I am a registered nurse. My father told me, hey, come work for me. I'll pay you what you were making as a nurse while you go to nurse practitioner school. So that's where I'm at right now. My question to you is, should I pull HELOC loan on my home to invest in real estate? And with that being said, one that would be helping me with the contracting and building is my father. He wants me to tell my husband to get a job, which my husband has had trouble listening.

[Dave Ramsey]

Your husband's had trouble what?

[Linda]

Listening to my advice on him getting a job. He did not take it well when I asked him to get a job for 12 years.

[Rachel Cruze]

What's he been doing?

[Linda]

He was taking care of the kids while the kids were during the pandemic, doing online schooling, but the kids had been back in school for going on three years now. And he refuses to find work or help me out.

[Dave Ramsey]

What's he do all day?

[Linda]

Usually at home with the kids right now during the summer, but at home as well, whenever they're in school, keeps up with the home.

[Rachel Cruze]

And he just says, I just. I want to take care of the home and the kids, and I don't want to go get a traditional job and make a living.

[Linda]

Yes. I have talked to him and asked him to help me out because we are still kind of living paycheck to

[Dave Ramsey]

paycheck, even when you said common law. So you guys are never married? You're never married?

[Linda]

No, we're not legally married, no.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. So I'm curious why you've put up with this for 12 years.

[Linda]

Oh, yes. I asked myself the same thing, but the fact that we have kids and I have tried talking to him about helping me work. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I want to grow. I'm already. I'm 35 years old and I'm already planning retirement. I want my kids to be able to be financially ahead, you know, just like I was, thanks to my father.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. I also don't want to be married to a knot on a log, a lazy guy.

[Linda]

Oh, yes, I agree.

[Dave Ramsey]

Aside from all your personal goals, it's just hard to respect a guy that sits on his butt all day.

[Linda]

I agree. I. I agree. So I wish he had the same.

[Rachel Cruze]

And I'm assuming that attitude of a little bit of laziness and apathy plays into every part of his life, Right? Your marriage and all. It's who he is. Yeah.

[Linda]

Yes. I make a decent amount of money, you know, I wish I made more. We live comfortable, but like I said, we're paycheck to paycheck. One disaster away from everything crumbling.

[Dave Ramsey]

And so the house ends in your name, correct?

[Linda]

Yes. The house was gifted to me by my father. Everything's under my name.

[Dave Ramsey]

And in your state, the common law status does not give him any access to ownership in the house, right?

[Linda]

No, because it was gifted. He doesn't have anything. But now I worry if I do, if I do pull a HELOC loan to invest with my father.

[Dave Ramsey]

I would not pull a HELOC loan to invest with your father under any circumstances.

[Linda]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

Period. We don't teach people to borrow money to invest. We teach people not to do that. But. Yeah. So basically, you're the owner of the house, and so relationally, this comes down to just telling him he has to leave, right?

[Linda]

Yes. I don't want to because I believe that every child deserves a bull parent in their home, but I don't want my children.

[Dave Ramsey]

I don't want my children thinking this is how a man behaves.

[Linda]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Dave Ramsey]

So this is not. Don't tell me we're doing this for the children. The proper thing to do for the children is to not let this model be in front of them. Does he have an abuse problem? Is he abusing alcohol?

[Linda]

He's had a past with substance abuse.

[Dave Ramsey]

You sure it's in the past?

[Linda]

Yes, once in a while. Currently.

[Dave Ramsey]

Once in a while. That's not in the past. By the way, if you've been an abuser, if you've been an addict and you're drinking again, that's not in the past. Okay. Okay. Well, I'm not sure exactly what our question is on the table, but what I would tell you to do is, no, I would not take out a home equity loan to invest with your father. Borrow on the home that he gave you that's paid for. That's a little weird. Okay. Not even thinking about that one period. As far as.

[Rachel Cruze]

I think some. Some absolutes that are drawn.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. You know, I think under the direction of a good marriage counselor, and I would go see one, he's not going to go. But if I were You, I would get somebody other than a couple of people on a podcast or, or your dad to advise you on this. And relationally, what we're hearing though is, is if we were in that situation, we would say you're going to have a job working 40 hours a week sometime in the next 30 days, or you're going to have to leave. And that's what I would have done 11 years ago, not, not sit on your butt for 12 years. So this is now your fault. It's no longer his fault because you've tolerated it this long. So now you've got to correct your problem that you created by drawing a line in the sand.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

And I think that's what a good counselor is going to tell you. But you ought to have someone other than us tell you how to do that. Other than your dad.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. And I was trying to flip the script in my head. If a man called and said, we're paycheck to paycheck, my wife refuses to get a job, X, Y and Z, you know, like, does that make a difference? You know what I mean? I'm playing that out in my head. If there's a difference there. I don't know if there is. But I think the problem is that

[Dave Ramsey]

this, I don't think this guy wants to be. I don't think this guy's asking to be a stay at home dad. I think this guy doesn't want to work.

[Rachel Cruze]

That's what I'm saying.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's the difference.

[Rachel Cruze]

And when one spouse is the only income earner and is struggling and reaching out to the other spouse, I mean, I know they're not married and saying, I need help. We need help to get us out of this situation, to get out of debt. It's kind of all hands on deck. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, that's the attitude approach of a healthy marriage. That we look at our situation and say, okay, what do we have to do instead?

[Dave Ramsey]

She has three dependents.

[Rachel Cruze]

She's. Yes. And that he's. He's doing nothing. Nothing.

[Dave Ramsey]

See, nothing Drives me bananas.

[Rachel Cruze]

I know. Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

I can't handle it.

[Rachel Cruze]

And just a dude. I mean, when you said that, I was like, it's so true. It's one of those. That'd be one of most unattractive things. Just lazy. Do you know what I mean?

[Dave Ramsey]

Hound dog in the sun on the front porch.

[Rachel Cruze]

Lazy. I'm like napping, man.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's it.

[Rachel Cruze]

He had initiative. How do you sign up doing something like. You don't mean within Another context. I'm like, I'm trying to, like I'm playing gymnastics in my head a little bit of how I would approach it if it was something else and something different.

[Dave Ramsey]

But I think it's just.

[Rachel Cruze]

I think the end of the day,

[Dave Ramsey]

the problem you're going to have is this. Okay. Very little that you can do in this. Once as much water's under the bridge is going to work because we have 12 years of the same pattern of script.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yep.

[Dave Ramsey]

And now to flip the script and go, oh, you got to get a job or you're out of here. It's just not. It just going to. It's not going to go. It's not going to happen. I'm going to happen. He's not going to go, oh, you know, I was just thinking the same thing this morning. That's not going to happen.

[Rachel Cruze]

And help provide for my family.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. You know. No, you wouldn't have anywhere near the fuse on this bomb that you'd have around, man.

[Rachel Cruze]

And then you got Linda, who's like killing it, working hard.

[Dave Ramsey]

A nurse heading towards nurse practitioner.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yep.

[Dave Ramsey]

Got a paid for $400,000 house.

[Linda]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

By the way, I think you need to pursue nurse practitioner. Not your dad's business, too. You didn't mention that. But I'll throw that in just for the fun of it.

[Rachel Cruze]

Linda, I'm sorry.

[Dave Ramsey]

I love. I love the independence that you can have and that you have and. And you're gonna need it. Yeah. And that's where it's gonna take you. So. Yeah. I don't think this, as they say, leopard is going to change his spots. I got a feeling that as you just go, oh, and I was just thinking, no, it's not gonna come up that way. I think the old boy is gonna have to find somewhere else to take his naps. Cause he takes a lot of naps after he drinks a lot. And she's not being truthful. He drinks a lot still. Yeah.

[Rachel Cruze]

Linda, I'm sorry. I appreciate the mom heart, though, of. Of fighting for your family and, you know, all of it. But you got to figure out what's good for you, Linda, and for the kids.

[Linda]

You.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yes. And you being in the healthiest situation, safest situation for you is going to be the best thing for your kids. But I would, I would go get some advice from, from a counselor. I would sit down with someone, a professional, and talk it through.

[Dave Ramsey]

Sit down with a good pastor. Maybe that's a good idea. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.