My Live-In Partner of 12 Years Is Still Married (We Have 2 Kids)

Summary

The Ramsey Show Highlights: Episode Summary Release Date: April 23, 2025

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Episode Title:

My Live-In Partner of 12 Years Is Still Married (We Have 2 Kids)

Host/Author:

Ramsey Network

Overview:

In this heartfelt and financially intricate episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, Ava reaches out with a distressing personal situation involving her long-term partner. Over a concise span of approximately four minutes, Dave Ramsey and co-host Rachel Cruze delve deep into the complexities of Ava's predicament, offering candid advice and financial guidance to help her navigate through this challenging time.

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1. Introduction to Ava's Situation

[00:02] Dave Ramsey:
Dave Ramsey opens the episode by introducing a listener question submitted by Ava. He briefly outlines Ava's long-term relationship of 12 years, her partnership with a man who is still legally married to his estranged wife, and the presence of their two young sons. Ava outlines her financial standing, including homeownership and outstanding debts, and expresses her fear of potential financial ruin if she attempts to leave her partner.

2. Detailed Examination of Ava's Financial and Personal Circumstances

Ava's Financial Profile:

• Homeownership: Ava and her partner own a house valued at $450,000 with an outstanding mortgage of $200,000.
• Debt Status: She has successfully completed Baby Step Two, eliminating a $5,000 loan, and currently has $23,000 remaining on a car loan.
• Income: Ava earns $42,000 annually, while her partner brings in approximately $55,000.
• Insurance and Legal Concerns: Although they hold life insurance policies on each other, Ava's partner refuses to create a will, raising concerns about her financial and legal security.

Personal Challenges:

• Marital Status of Partner: Ava's partner remains legally married to his estranged wife, who has initiated divorce proceedings. However, he resists finalizing the divorce to avoid financial liabilities.
• Emotional Dilemma: Ava is torn between her commitment to her partner and the well-being of her two children, fearing that leaving may disrupt their lives but also recognizing the potential financial instability of staying.

3. Rachel Cruze's Candid Response and Advice

[01:00] Rachel Cruze:
Rachel responds with raw honesty, emphasizing the unsustainable nature of Ava's current living arrangement. She advises Ava to have severed ties with her partner long ago, highlighting several red flags:

• Unmarried with a Married Man: Rachel states, "I would have told you don't move in with a married man." She underscores the inherent instability and potential complications of such relationships.

• Responsibility and Future Planning: Rachel is particularly critical of her partner's refusal to create a will, interpreting it as a sign of his inability to plan for the future or prioritize Ava's well-being. She articulates, "he is unwilling to face reality and is telling you with his actions that he doesn't care about you enough to even fill out a piece of paper that says I want to make sure you're okay."

• Actionable Steps: Rachel urges Ava to take decisive action:

  • Legal Intervention: "You need to get an attorney, figure out custody, figure out how to sell this house and get the equity out of it."
  • Financial Independence: She emphasizes the necessity of separating financially to protect herself and her children from potential ruin.
  • Support Systems: Rachel encourages Ava to seek professional help, including attorneys and financial advisors, to navigate the complexities of the separation.

Emotional Consideration: Rachel acknowledges Ava's emotional struggle, stating, "yes, I understand your heart is broken for your boys," yet remains firm in her advice to prioritize long-term stability over immediate emotional ties.

4. Dave Ramsey's Financial Breakdown and Further Guidance

[03:04] Dave Ramsey:
Dave complements Rachel's advice by providing a clear financial assessment:

• Affordability Concerns: He points out that Ava cannot sustain the remaining $23,000 car loan on her income of $42,000, concluding, "You can't afford to keep this car. It's $23,000 left on the loan. You make $42. That car is gone."

• Housing Stability: Dave raises alarms about the sustainability of their current housing situation, suggesting that even with potential child support, maintaining the mortgage may be untenable. He advises Ava to seek alternative living arrangements for herself and her children.

• Professional Support: Echoing Rachel's sentiments, Dave underscores the importance of assembling a support team, including attorneys, real estate professionals, tax advisors, and financial planners, to ensure all aspects of the separation are handled proficiently.

[03:43] Rachel Cruze:
Rachel adds, "What a mess. What an absolute mess," reinforcing the severity and complexity of Ava's situation.

[03:46] Dave Ramsey:
Dave cautions listeners to learn from Ava's experience, advising against entering into similar living arrangements without clear legal and financial boundaries. He remarks, "Don't do this kind of stuff. Don't play house thinking it'll all just work out because it's love. No, this is what happens on the other end. People are harmed by it. There's consequences."

5. Conclusion and Key Takeaways

In wrapping up, both hosts express empathy for Ava's difficult circumstances while providing clear, actionable advice aimed at safeguarding her financial and emotional well-being. They highlight the importance of:

• Legal Documentation: Ensuring all legal documents, such as wills and divorce decrees, are in place to protect oneself and one's children.

• Financial Independence: Maintaining separate finances to avoid entanglement in potential financial ruin.

• Professional Support: Leveraging the expertise of legal and financial professionals to navigate complex personal and financial landscapes.

• Personal Boundaries: Recognizing and acting upon signs that a relationship may be detrimental to one's financial and emotional health.

Notable Quotes:

• Rachel Cruze [01:00]:
  "Don't move in with a married man. Don't have babies with somebody who has so little regard for his ex-wife..."

• Dave Ramsey [03:04]:
  "You can't afford to keep this car. It's $23,000 left on the loan... You make $42. That car is gone."

• Rachel Cruze [03:43]:
  "What a mess. What an absolute mess."

• Dave Ramsey [03:46]:
  "Don't play house thinking it'll all just work out because it's love. No, this is what happens on the other end."

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Final Thoughts:

This episode serves as a poignant reminder of the intricate interplay between personal relationships and financial stability. Ava's situation underscores the critical importance of clear legal and financial boundaries, especially in long-term relationships that lack formal commitment. Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze provide invaluable insights and practical steps for listeners who may find themselves in similar predicaments, emphasizing the necessity of prioritizing one's financial health and legal protections to ensure a secure future for oneself and one's children.

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Connect with The Ramsey Network: For more advice on life and money, tune into The Ramsey Show Highlights daily for expert insights delivered in under ten minutes. Join Dave Ramsey, Rachel Cruze, and other financial experts to navigate your financial journey with confidence.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. Today's Ramsey Network app question comes from Ava. She says, my partner and I have been together 12 years and have two young sons. We own a house worth 450,000 and owe 200,000 on it. I'm on baby step two and I've paid off a $5,000 loan and have 23,000 left on a car loan. I earn 42,000 and think my partner brings home about 55,000. He has an estranged wife who asked him to start divorce proceedings, but he won't because he doesn't want to pay for it. Lee, I want us to get married, but he does not want to marry me. We have life insurance on each other, but he refuses to make a will. I feel like I have no choice except to leave him. It breaks my heart for my boys, but I'm afraid we are at risk of financial ruin if we stay. I paused the baby steps to start stacking up money in case I end up moving out. I have no one else to turn to. So my question is, what would you tell me to do if I was your sister?

[Rachel Cruze]

I would have told you to move out a long, long time ago. I would have told you don't move in with a married man. Don't have babies in my house with the married man. I would have told you don't have babies with somebody who has so little regard for his ex wife that he won't even honor her with a divorce certificate. I would tell you to stay away from a man who refuses to make a will because that's a man who is unwilling to face reality and who is telling you with his actions. I don't care what happens to you after I'm dead. I simply don't care about you enough to even fill out a piece of paper that says I want to make sure you're okay. Gosh, I guess I can keep going. Your heart. If you were my sister, I would tell you, yes, I understand your heart is broken for your boys, but your boys have been living in an alt universe and you've been the one who've been trying to have this fantasy household together and it's never been real. And so I don't say this lightly. In fact, that's it goes against one of my core values, which is I never tell somebody, you need to get out and do something unless it's. Unless it's violence related. But you're not married. You need to go. You need to go and probably need to get an attorney and figure out custody. No, 100%. You need to get an attorney, figure out custody, figure out how to sell this house and get the equity out of it. And there's gonna have to be some sort of child support. And you need to figure out how all that's going to get mapped out. And you have to understand you're playing with a man who does not care about you, period. Cares about himself. And because of that, you're gonna. This is a business transaction. You have to get an attorney that's going to be an advocate for you. And there's a lot of great, amazing attorneys out there that will walk with you through this hellscape that you've co created. But that's what I tell you. If me or my sister.

[Dave Ramsey]

George, I'm just looking at the numbers going, you can't afford to keep this car. It's 23,000 left on the loan. You make 42. That car is gone.

[Rachel Cruze]

Car's gone.

[Dave Ramsey]

Probably can't afford to stay in the house. Even with child support, it's not going to be enough to carry the mortgage and carry the weight. You're going to need to go find a place for the boys, and it's just going to be a messy time of, you know, this turned into a business transaction gone wrong. And I'm so sorry that you're going through this. And I would get people in your corner who can cheer you on and get professionals in your corner who can help, like attorneys, real estate pros, tax pros, financial advisors. You need to assemble people around you who have your best interest at heart, which probably has not happened in the last 12 years.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. What a mess. What an absolute mess.

[Dave Ramsey]

Let this be a warning to everyone listening. Don't do this kind of stuff. Don't play house thinking it'll all just work out because it's love. No, this is what happens on the other end. People are harmed by it. There's consequences.

[Rachel Cruze]

And the problem here is there's not a great exit strategy. It's just a huge, huge, like bird's nest on a fishing rod. It's just a huge, tangled up mess.

[Dave Ramsey]

And who knows if she's on the deed and who's on the mortgage. I mean, this could just get messier and messier as you untangle it.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

Oh, so sorry, Ava.

[Rachel Cruze]

What a mess.

[Dave Ramsey]

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