B (2:20)

Yeah.

C (2:21)

And so you guys know what has to happen here. Either there's two. There's. There's two things y' all know have to happen. Either she's got to move out and y' all have to have exterminators come in. Y' all gonna have to do some work on that place and get it back up and running or she gets to stay under some very strict new rules, one of which is no hoarding. We're gonna have a cleaning crew. We're like, we're gonna do some of those things. Or, and, and y' all know that one of those two things has to be true. And so the path is not trying to figure out a nice way to do that because it's nothing you do moving forward is going to be received as nice.

B (2:56)

Yeah.

C (2:57)

And you've probably been doing this dance your whole life, right?

B (3:00)

Yeah, unfortunately.

C (3:02)

Yeah. And it breaks my heart for you. Breaks my heart for your mom, especially this 11 year old little girl.

B (3:08)

Huh?

C (3:08)

But, yeah, you all have to take that path and directly towards it. And now if you, if you sit down and say, here's not, hey, mom, we need to. But hey, this is what's going to happen next. If you want to stay in this house, we're going to have a cleaner come in, we're going to have. All this stuff's going to have to be removed and we're gonna have somebody come in every 30 days and check the house if you want to stay here. Great. Will she pack up and move and throw a fit or would she exhale and say thank you?

B (3:35)

I, I honestly don't know. I think it could go either way. So that's kind of tricky. And here's what's gonna happen.

C (3:44)

If you say nothing and you do nothing, the house just goes into further. It ends up with her leaving at some point.

B (3:51)

Yeah.

C (3:52)

And so also, here's another great line to put in your back pocket. Choose guilt over resentment. Choose the guilt of the hard conversation. And not. She doesn't deserve your resenting her existence. And if you let her live there and just destroy this house from the inside out, I'm going to put that back in your court. Because you didn't want to have hard conversations because it was going to make you feel bad, it was going to hurt your mom's feelings. And so every time her phone, you pick up your phone and she's called in, you're going to resent the fact that she's there, you're going to resent the fact that she's calling you, you're going to resent the fact that she didn't.

D (4:27)

They have a little bit of that now because you had to close the Airbnb.

C (4:30)

Yeah.

D (4:30)

Like, I'm like.

C (4:31)

And you even knew, like, well, she's kind of a hoarder, but as long as she keeps it here and as long as you knew how it was going to end. Right. And so it's you just saying, okay, I'm going to own what I've got to own here, and then I'm going to create what happens next.

B (4:44)

Yeah. One way I could see it going too, and I'd love to hear your thoughts, is like, us laying the ground rules. Like, hey, this needs to happen in order for you to stay and her, like, saying, like, oh, yeah, sure. And then not really following them. So how would you navigate that? Like, you give her one warning and then say, sorry, we're going to end your lease.

C (5:05)

Well, I would put some things in place.

B (5:07)

Uhhuh.

C (5:08)

Like a cleaning crew will come here every 30 days or every two weeks. I'm going to put that on your rent or we're going to cover it, but somebody will be here every. Every two weeks if the. We're going to double the trash service. I would put some very concrete things in place that are really outside of her control. These things are to help her. To help her.

D (5:29)

These are things to, like, Correct.

C (5:30)

Yeah. This is. This is in service of her and of that home.

D (5:33)

But to your point, Aubrey, if for some reason it's just. It's unmanageable and the cleaners are like, we can't even.

C (5:39)

We can't get in the door. Yeah.

D (5:40)

Then all of it. Yeah. Then to me, that is a. That's her then breaking the boundary that you guys set. And that's on her at that point, not you. So she has, in that sense, displaced herself because she didn't keep the rules of the property, which any landlord would have. Right on the planet.

C (5:59)

Yeah.

D (5:59)

It's just messy that. It's her daughter. Right. Was she kicked out of. You said that she was going from apartment to apartment where she kicked out of these places, or she just had to find a new location or cheaper rent or, like, what was the reasons before that one?

B (6:13)

I think she was politely kicked out. And the other one, I actually don't know, but I know she got in a big, actual legal disagreement with the landlord over her security deposit. So.

D (6:25)

Okay.

A (6:26)

Yeah.

C (6:27)

So she has a history of not being a great tenant, right?

B (6:31)

Yeah. And we knew that.

C (6:33)

And maybe another thing to put on the table if y' all are in a financial position is to say, we're going to pay for six months for you to go see somebody finally. And you've had a hard life. We know you've had a hard life, and you struggle with various mental health challenges and emotional challenges. We're going to put. We got six months of counseling. We're going to put that. But this is contingent. If you want to stay, you got to go see somebody, and we're going to pay for it.

B (6:55)

Interesting. I hadn't thought of that. That's a great suggestion. Thank you.

C (6:58)

But that might give her an excuse to go. Fine, I'll go see somebody so I can keep my house. But it lets her hang on to, like, the illusion of dignity while going to actually get the care that she knows, she knows she needs. I've never met a hoarder who wants to be in that situation.

B (7:14)

Yeah, right. Yeah.

C (7:15)

But it's that compulsion. It's just this inner engine that just keeps running. And so maybe that's another way to help. But it's going to come down to you having some really clear, firm. Here's the boundary and here's the exit strategy. If and when this happens.

D (7:28)

Are your husband. Where is he in the picture? Is he. Is he overly frustrated? Is he, like, done, or is he have, like, tons of grace and he's on the other side of you, even he.

B (7:40)

So I. I kind of. Poor guy. I kind of put him in as a mediator because my mom and I don't have a great history.

C (7:45)

Okay.

B (7:46)

I basically do it for my little sister. And he's on board with that? 100%. On board. Yeah, He. He's definitely, like, on the frustrated side.

D (7:54)

Yeah.

B (7:55)

Because we've had to replace the fridge because she was, you know, putting too much stuff in the fridge and other things.

D (8:01)

Okay. So, Aubrey. Hey, I'm gonna ask John.

C (8:03)

Yeah. You have to relieve him of that.

A (8:05)

Yeah.

D (8:05)

You gotta.

C (8:06)

You can't put him in that situation.

D (8:07)

You have to be the one.

B (8:08)

Okay.

C (8:09)

Yeah.

B (8:09)

Yeah, that's fair.

C (8:11)

Hug him and say thank you for going first. And he went out on a shield for you, and it's time for you to. To. To. To step up and. Or y' all can do it together, obviously. But my rule of thumb is the. The child of the parent needs to go first.

B (8:27)

Yeah. Yeah, that's fair.

D (8:29)

It's hard. It's hard, Aubrey. I mean, we get calls, not necessarily with this specific thing, but whenever a grown adult passes their parent.

C (8:37)

Yeah, it's tough.

D (8:38)

And they end up having to parent their parents. Do you know what I mean? Like, from that emotional side, all of it, like, it's just. It's. It's really really hard. So I think Yalls generosity and you lending out kind of that olive branch to her, wanting to help her in life and for your sister. And you're saying that's part of the motivation. It's just so beautiful. It's so wonderful. But being able to do it, I think in a way that's good for you guys too, right? That you're not. Yes, exactly.

C (9:00)

Is there a chance your sister can move in with you?

B (9:04)

Oh, I would wish that, but I don't think that's ever going to be a possibility.

C (9:08)

Yeah, y' all have got some hard conversations to have. I would sit down with your husband and y' all write these things out and I would probably put everything in writing and then you all sit down and have the next hard conversation. The tension is the path here.

A (9:20)

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