My Spouse and I Have Trust Issues Around Money

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights Episode: My Spouse and I Have Trust Issues Around Money
Release Date: April 25, 2025
Host: Ramsey Network

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Introduction

In the April 25, 2025 episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, hosted by the Ramsey Network, listeners are presented with a heartfelt call from Christy, a newlywed grappling with deep-seated trust issues surrounding money. Drawing from her and her husband’s past experiences of financial infidelity, Christy seeks guidance on how to move forward with their finances in a manner that aligns with their biblical values.

Caller’s Situation

Christy introduces herself at [00:10] as a six-month-old newlywed, both she and her husband having been previously married. Her longstanding relationship with her ex-husband, which spanned 26 years, was marred by deceit concerning financial matters—“I found out that my ex husband had been lying to me about money for well over 15 years” ([00:10]). Similarly, her current husband’s previous marriage involved financial distrust, particularly concerning his family’s farm business. These experiences have left both Christy and her husband fearful of merging their finances, fearing a repeat of past betrayals.

Exploring Biblical Perspectives

At [01:05], Rachel Cruze probes Christy about the biblical aspect of her concerns. Christy responds by referencing the adage “the two shall become one,” emphasizing the spiritual and financial union expected in marriage. She shares her anxiety about the potential for financial deceit, fearing that openness about their finances might lead to betrayal, much like in their previous marriages.

Rachel Cruze’s Insights

Rachel Cruze offers compassionate advice starting at [01:37], acknowledging the naturalness of their fears given their past experiences. She emphasizes the importance of transparency and accountability in building trust. “...the fact that you have your finances merged and shared actually creates greater accountability for both” ([01:20]). Cruze suggests practical steps such as eliminating separate accounts and adopting an “every dollar budget” to enhance financial transparency. She stresses that while these measures foster trust, partnering with a therapist is crucial for healing emotional wounds stemming from past financial infidelity.

Ken Coleman’s Perspective

Ken Coleman joins the conversation at [02:44], reinforcing the idea that both Christy and her husband are victims of financial deceit. He challenges Christy to reflect on why she chose to marry her current husband despite past financial betrayals, asking, “What caused you to say yes to him?” ([02:44]). Coleman highlights the importance of rebuilding trust by recognizing that her husband is not her ex-husband and encourages her to trust herself in making the right choices. He underscores that combining finances can lead to greater marital happiness and intimacy, irrespective of spiritual beliefs.

Discussion on Prenuptial Agreements

The conversation shifts at [06:34] when Ken Coleman introduces the topic of prenuptial agreements. He explains that while prenups are generally uncommon, they are beneficial in scenarios involving significant family businesses or wealth. Coleman points out that in Christy’s husband’s case, a farm is a generational family business, and a prenup could protect not just the couple but also the extended family. Christy confirms they have a prenuptial agreement, mentioning at [07:42], “I actually volunteered... I said, if you need a piece of paper, then give it to me and I'll sign it because I don't want anything from you.”

The Role of Therapy and Moving Forward

Rachel Cruze reiterates the importance of marital counseling at [08:23], emphasizing that both Christy and her husband are victims deserving of healing. She advises committing to regular therapy sessions to acquire the tools necessary to overcome their trust issues and build a stronger, more transparent financial partnership.

Conclusion

The episode culminates with affirmations of support and actionable advice for Christy and her husband to navigate their financial trust issues. The experts collectively advocate for transparency in financial matters, the strategic use of prenuptial agreements in specific contexts, and the indispensable role of therapy in healing and rebuilding trust.

Notable Quotes

• Christy: “I found out that my ex husband had been lying to me about money for well over 15 years.” ([00:10])

• Rachel Cruze: “The trust at least has some type of transparency. Now, just because you share accounts doesn't mean that financial infidelity isn't happening.” ([01:20])

• Ken Coleman: “What caused you to say yes to him? What were those things?” ([02:44])

• Christy: “He loves Jesus big. And I, I respected his walk with Christ and who he was.” ([03:55])

• Ken Coleman: “Trust yourself, Christy, because you chose someone to do life with.” ([04:09])

• Rachel Cruze: “Are on at the same level of distrust of each other, even though you're probably happily married in every other area?” ([05:51])

• Christy: “I actually volunteered... I said, if you need a piece of paper, then give it to me and I'll sign it because I don't want anything from you.” ([07:42])

• Rachel Cruze: “...you guys are on the way, I believe marital counseling here, because neither one of you were the bad guys. You're both victims.” ([08:23])

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This episode offers valuable insights for couples facing similar financial trust issues, emphasizing the importance of transparency, mutual accountability, and professional support in fostering a healthy financial and emotional partnership.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Christy]

My husband and I are newly married about six months. We were both previously married. I was married for 26 years and he was married for seven. And both of us, through our relationships, it's like we both had financial infidelity by our partners. So I found out that my ex husband had been lying to me about money for well over 15 years. And. And then his ex wife, she left him and then tried. He's a farmer, so if they have a large farm and she tried to take the whole farm. So there's been a lot of infidelity there on the financial side. So both of us have these deep fears of combining finances from, you know, previous relationship. We don't, we don't know how to handle moving forward financially together. Biblically speaking.

[Rachel Cruze]

What do you mean, biblically speaking?

[Christy]

Well, the. I know from listening to your guys's podcast, you say the two shall become one, and that includes finances. And there is just a lot of fear there with combining and afraid that you're going to get what you got before and that you're going to find out, oh, my gosh, this person who I was supposed to be able to trust was lying to me. And then his side of the fence is, well, if I open up to her and I tell her what's actually going on with finances, she's going to. She's going to mess me over and take me to the cleaners again.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah, okay, I get what you're saying. Here's what I would say right out of the gate. I actually think if I were in your shoes and I understand the trust issues. So what's going on with both of you is very natural. That's very normal. I think you guys got to get with a therapist without question and work through this. But I would tell you that just practically speaking, I think that the fact that you have your finances merged and shared actually creates greater accountability for both. Right. So that the trust at least has some type of transparency. Now, just because you share accounts doesn't mean that financial infidelity isn't happening. However, one big step going forward to me is, okay, there are no separate accounts and we both see what's in there. And even just getting into an every dollar budget and beginning to look where every dollar is being spent, all of that begins to create so much transparency that trust is in some way a byproduct. I'm not in any way saying that therapy doesn't still need to happen because Rachel, I, I want to get your thoughts on this because I do think this is a. We need a good therapist to help us both heal because they've both been.

[Ken Coleman]

Yep.

[Rachel Cruze]

They've both had this trauma.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah. I mean, you both been burned. Yeah. By the exact same issue from an, from an ex spouse. So. Yeah. Christy, I mean, you're not crazy by any means for this to be so heightened and so aware, but I would also just challenge you that the man you chose to marry and that you chose at the altar and, and said those vowels, you know, what, what, what caused you to say yes to him? What were those things?

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[Ken Coleman]

What caused you to say yes to him? What were those things?

[Christy]

He loves Jesus big. And I, I respected his walk with Christ and who he was. His character was so good and he was different than anybody else I had met.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah. So I think what can happen is our emotions and from our past, it's almost like a, like a neuro pathway in our brains. Right. Has been formed for you that with money it's like, don't trust, don't trust and trust. And over time you are going to have to build a new way of trusting. And I think even leaning on kind of just those facts of what you just told me, Christy, like this man is not your ex husband. And I know me just saying that doesn't wipe away all the emotion, but just you have to trust yourself as well. And I think when people get blindsided by a spouse, whether it's financial infidelity, an affair or something, there's almost that fear of I can't even trust myself. How did I miss it? Right. You're probably asking, so how did I miss it for 15 years? Right. So you're thinking about that. And so I would say trust yourself, Christy, because you chose someone to do life with. And so again, I would, I would talk to a therapist because that trust string isn't gonna just be tied to money, it's gonna come out in other Parts of your marriage where you probably have a level of that wall. And what. Why we say, too, to combine finances. Yeah, I would say from a spiritual perspective, I think it's wise, but it's also, again, whether you're spiritual or not. The data shows couples that combine finances not only have a higher level of happiness, but there's also a depth of complete intimacy that when you say, I said yes to this person and I chose to lock arms with them and take on the world together. When you do that in just this, like, fullness together, you enjoy life together more than trying to keep everything separate and, you know, compartmentalized, if you will. So. So again, from a spiritual aspect. Yes, but I would say it's even bigger than a spiritual aspect. I think people that aren't. That aren't spiritual find this level of depth in their marriage when they choose to work as a team.

[Rachel Cruze]

Well, because you're right. Because of, again, the word we've been talking about, which is trust. Christy, I want dig a little bit. We've kind of told you what we thought. You've been listening. I'm curious. Are you both. Would you say you both are. Are on at the same level of distrust of each other, even though you're probably happily married in every other area? Describe for us where you are and where he is on the particular issue of trust of each other and money right now. How would you describe that?

[Christy]

Well, on his side of the fence, he farms with his dad. So it's a. It's. That was a. You know, that's a family business, generational. And so we also have a mix on his side of the fence of fear from the whole family.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah.

[Ken Coleman]

Yes.

[Rachel Cruze]

You know, I get that Makes us even. Can I.

[Ken Coleman]

Can I jump in here? Okay. This is. We never talk about prenups. You know, we like our. It's almost an almost never conversation, I feel like, around here with prenups, unless there's a few caveats. One of them is if there is an excessive amount of wealth, you know, there's a level of just protection there. But then the other one is kind of what you're talking about, Christy, for him, at least, if there is some level of a family business, because we've talked to people like this where they get divorced in this, and the ex still has voting stock in the company, and then he gets remarried to someone crazy, and now all of them are still speaking into the ex's family, and it's. And it's affecting other people. So this may be a conversation that you have with him of that specifically that farm, because it is tied to other people in the family. That domino effect is very real for those, for them to be protected in that sense with a farm, you know, with, through, through some level of prenup. So again, we, we say almost never a prenup, but there are situations that make sense because it's protecting other people as well. So that may be something on his side towards you. Right. So it would be for you to sign.

[Christy]

Actually, we did, we did find a prenuptial agreement. So I, I, I actually volunteered.

[Rachel Cruze]

Oh.

[Ken Coleman]

Yeah.

[Christy]

I, when we were dating, I said, I'm feeling like that there's something here. And I said, I just, I said, if you need a piece of paper, then give it to me and I'll sign it because I don't want anything from you.

[Rachel Cruze]

Oh, well, that's huge. That had to, that had to create a lot of trust for him. That had to be huge.

[Christy]

Well, there's still, there's still some walls there. You know, I can, I can sense that he doesn't want to open up to me too much yet. And.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay.

[Christy]

And from my perspective of having that been violated on my side of the fence, I completely understand it. I'm like, as you should. Well, you should be worried.

[Rachel Cruze]

I gotta say, Christy, I think you guys are on the way, I believe marital counseling here, because neither one of you were the bad guys. You're both victims. That's an interesting combination. And a professional will get you guys the tools that you can heal. I think you commit big time to some serious therapy one time a week maybe. And let's dive into this and come out on the other side and then I think, you know, you guys will get there. Really, really interesting call. Thanks for trusting us.

[Dave Ramsey]

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