My Spouse Is Spoiled!

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights - "My Spouse Is Spoiled!"

Release Date: January 25, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "My Spouse Is Spoiled!" from The Ramsey Show Highlights, the Ramsey Network delves into the complexities of marital dynamics, particularly focusing on issues arising from unequal distribution of household responsibilities. Hosted by the Ramsey Network team, featuring insights from experts, the show provides actionable advice for couples struggling with boundary-setting and maintaining equity in their relationships.

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Caller’s Dilemma: Lack of Boundaries and Unequal Chores

Caller B initiates the conversation by expressing a significant concern: the erosion of boundaries within her marriage has led to her husband becoming "spoiled." She attributes this to her own struggles with setting and maintaining boundaries.

• Caller B (00:06): “I basically just lack boundaries and the ability to keep my boundaries. And that's got my marriage to a place where my husband's a bit spoiled and I can't get him unspoiled.”

Caller B further elaborates on her challenges, identifying herself as a "people pleaser" who avoids setting boundaries to prevent annoying or bothering others. This tendency has resulted in her shouldering the majority of household responsibilities, leading to an imbalance in her marriage.

• Caller B (00:35): “I am a huge people pleaser and I don't like to, I guess, annoy people or bother them. So instead of doing that, I kind of just take everything on myself.”

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Expert Analysis: Understanding the Root Causes

Expert C takes a deep dive into the underlying issues contributing to Caller B's predicament. The discussion uncovers that her lack of boundaries stems from low self-confidence and past abusive relationships, which have ingrained a belief that she is a burden to others.

• Expert C (00:55): “Who told you that you're a burden? Somewhere along the way you picked up the message that the world would be better if you just stayed in the shadows.”

Caller B reflects on her upbringing, revealing feelings of favoritism towards her brother by her parents. This childhood experience fostered a sense of inadequacy and the belief that she wasn’t worthy of the same attention and resources, further diminishing her self-worth.

• Caller B (02:16): “My parents have always kind of denied it, but I've always... felt like my brother was maybe favored a little bit more.”

Expert C emphasizes the importance of addressing these deep-seated feelings of unworthiness, noting that without recognizing one's own value, any advice or strategies offered will have limited impact.

• Expert C (03:37): “Nothing George tells you is going to matter if you don't think you're worth even the conversation.”

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Marital Dynamics: The Chore Divide and Emotional Impact

The conversation shifts to the practical aspect of household chores. Caller B feels that despite both partners working full-time, the division of labor at home is imbalanced. Initially, she took on most responsibilities while supporting her husband through a depression related to his previous job, but this imbalance has persisted.

• Caller B (04:17): “At the beginning of our relationship... I just ended up taking over everything. And it's never gotten back to the 50/50.”

Expert C challenges the notion of a strict 50/50 split, advocating instead for equity in household responsibilities. He explains that equity involves both partners contributing fairly without keeping score, adapting to each other's circumstances, and maintaining open communication.

• Expert C (04:57): “I think 50/50, if you try to keep score, that's a recipe for you crashing and burning. I wouldn't do that. But I would seek equity.”

He provides practical examples, such as dividing specific tasks like laundry or bill payments based on each partner's strengths and schedules, emphasizing the importance of collaborative effort rather than rigidly equal distribution.

• Expert C (05:15): “We do this together. Here's a beautiful moment... you get to build a new marriage this year.”

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Actionable Advice: Rebuilding Balance and Communication

Expert C offers a strategic approach for Caller B to address the imbalance in her marriage:

1. Initiate a Positive Conversation:

   • Take the husband out for breakfast.

   • Acknowledge the challenges of the past year.

   • Express pride in his efforts and discuss mutual needs and desires for the marriage in the new year.

   • Expert C (05:40): “Take him out to breakfast and say, hey, the last year was hard, and I'm proud of you for the steps you've made.”

2. Use "I" Statements:

   • Frame concerns from a personal perspective to prevent defensiveness.

   • Example: “I've been taking on the lion's share of this stuff while you... I want us to begin...”

   • Expert C (06:32): “You're using the word I, which is an invitation word.”

3. Visualize Specific Solutions:

   • Have clear examples of what each partner can do to contribute.

   • Ensure both partners have a shared understanding of their roles.

   • Expert C (06:45): “Find a moment where you can be grateful for the things that he does do... be very specific.”

4. Foster a Spirit of Gratitude and Curiosity:

   • Approach the conversation without judgment.

   • Aim to invite collaboration and mutual support.

   • Expert C (07:10): “These conversations always help with a spirit of gratitude, a spirit of curiosity.”

5. Be Prepared for Gaps:

   • If the husband is resistant, acknowledge the existing gaps and continue working towards bridging them.

   • Expert C (07:40): “If he says, I'm not doing any of that stuff now, you have to deal with the actual gaps in your marriage.”

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Conclusion: Embracing New Beginnings

The episode concludes with a reaffirmation of the potential for growth and renewal within a marriage. By fostering open communication, setting clear boundaries, and striving for equity rather than strict equality, couples can rebuild and strengthen their relationships.

• Caller B (06:31): “Yeah, I love that.”
• Expert C (07:53): “I'm all in. I can't wait to build something new in 2025.”

This optimistic outlook encourages listeners to take proactive steps in their own relationships, emphasizing that with dedication and mutual effort, positive change is attainable.

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Notable Quotes

1. Caller B on People-Pleasing:

   • “I am a huge people pleaser and I don't like to, I guess, annoy people or bother them.” (00:35)

2. Expert C on Self-Worth:

   • “Nothing George tells you is going to matter if you don't think you're worth even the conversation.” (03:37)

3. Expert C on Equity vs. Equality:

   • “I would seek equity... whoever walks by the dishes, picks up the dishes, Both of us help with kids, bedtimes, both of us help with laundry.” (04:57)

4. Expert C on Positive Conversations:

   • “Take him out to breakfast and say, hey, the last year was hard, and I'm proud of you for the steps you've made.” (05:40)

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Final Thoughts

"My Spouse Is Spoiled!" offers a thorough exploration of how individual behavioral patterns and past experiences can impact marital harmony. Through empathetic discussion and practical advice, The Ramsey Show Highlights equips listeners with the tools to navigate and rectify common relationship challenges, fostering healthier and more balanced partnerships.

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For more insights and daily advice on life and money, tune into The Ramsey Show Highlights, available seven days a week.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hi, guys. So I basically just lack boundaries and the ability to keep my boundaries. And that's got my marriage to a place where my husband's a bit spoiled and I can't get him unspoiled.

[C]

So we.

[A]

I love the self awareness and honesty here.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, I can't drive and my car is in a ditch. All right, so what, what, what? Do you struggle with boundaries? What. What kind of boundaries do you struggle with?

[B]

Um, I would say probably the most major thing is I am a huge people pleaser and I don't like to, I guess, annoy people or bother them. So instead of doing that, I kind of just take everything on myself. Um, who told you?

[C]

Hold on. Who told you, either explicitly or implicitly, who told you that you're a burden? Somewhere along the way you picked up the message that the world would be better if you just stayed in the shadows. Who told you that?

[B]

I would say it would partly be maybe like a lack of self confidence mixed with bad previous abusive relationships.

[C]

Okay. But that lack of self confidence comes from someone, something you don't just wake up with. The lack of self confidence, that's something that's earned over time.

[B]

That's true. And I guess I couldn't necessarily pinpoint. I don't recall ever not being like this.

[C]

Did you grow up. Did you grow up in a house where an adult said, hey, if you do that, your dad's gonna get really. Or hey, you know, mom gets mad if you did. Is that the house you grew up in?

[B]

No, my household, it was kind of, I guess, maybe easy for my parents. Like, my mom handled me and my dad handled my brother. It's just us to. So I didn't really get any maybe discipline from my dad. So I just.

[C]

What did you get from your dad?

[B]

I guess that's maybe caught. Okay, so now I am thinking about it a little harder. My parents have always kind of denied it, but I've always. And other family members and things like that have always kind of felt like my brother was maybe favored a little bit more. At least that's always been my thoughts on it. So I felt like he was getting things that I was being told I couldn't have and things like that. So I guess maybe that could be where it stemmed from is like, why is he getting it and I'm not.

[C]

Well, but take a step deeper. That's. That's a way to intellectualize it. But imagine yourself as a seven year old Little girl, when you're just basically a walking nervous system and you aren't asking yourself, why is he getting what I'm not? Like, like you can ask that question, but the underneath it is, what's wrong with me?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Why doesn't dad like me too?

[B]

Yeah. And I don't think it's that he didn't like me. I think it was maybe just easier.

[C]

I know, I know in seven. Seven year olds. Seven year olds don't tell the truth. I mean, they're not, they're not factual, but they're. They're just full feeling creatures. Right. And so all I have to say is here's where that's important right now. Nothing I tell you, nothing George tells you is going to matter if you don't think you're worth even the conversation.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

If you think you're a burden to tell your husband, I'm not doing this, or we don't have the money for, or I need your help around here with the kids. If you don't think you're worth that conversation, or somehow his time or his precious little feelings are more important, more valuable than yours, then doesn't matter what, what tips or hacks we give you.

[A]

Every time someone steps over that boundary line, the story you're telling yourself is, well, of course I'm not worth someone respecting a boundary.

[C]

Yeah, I shouldn't have put that boundary up.

[A]

That's on me. You've taken this on yourself.

[C]

So tell me something. What? You say your husband's spoiled. How's he spoiled?

[B]

I. It's mostly just the chores around the house, I guess. We don't actually have kids, but we. So we both work full time. So I feel like chores should be split pretty evenly.

[C]

Correct. You're correct.

[B]

At the beginning of our relationship, I would say they were. He fell into a depression with his last job. And that, I think, is where the bulk of it came from. Is I was obviously there for him through that. We've. We've gone through that. But during that time, I just ended up taking over everything. And it's never gotten Back to the 50 50.

[C]

Well, I think 50 50, if you, if you try to keep score, that's a recipe for you crashing and burning. I wouldn't do that. But I would seek equity. I would seek. I pull. We pull equal weight around here. And what 5050 means is you do the dishes, I do this, you do this, I do this. And then somebody gets the flu and dishes pile up, or somebody has a really wild, like my wife has an Editorial deadline for her book. I don't do the dishes. I do my half. She does her half. Like, that's. That destroys relationships. But if there is a sense of whoever walks by the dishes, picks up the dishes, Both of us help with kids, bedtimes, both of us help with laundry. And it does help sometimes to divvy up, like, Katie, I'll take care of the laundry. I need you to push. My wife hits send on all of our bills, right? Like, we talk about our budget and stuff, but she hits. She's the one who actually writes the check or hit send on whatever Internet thing they have. I don't know how those things get paid. But, but, but you see, but it starts with a conversation, and it starts with the. The deeper layer here is we do this together. And so here's a beautiful moment you've got. You're. You're coming up on a new year. This is a great time to do it. I would love to see you take him out to breakfast and say, hey, the last year was hard, and I'm proud of you for the steps you've made. I want us to have the conversation about what kind of marriage we're going to have this year. And I want to talk about what you need and what you want. I'm going to talk about what I need and what I want. And then we're going to talk about how we can love each other in this new. In 2025, we get to build a new marriage this year.

[B]

Yeah, I love that.

[C]

And if you come at him and say you haven't been doing your stuff, the moment you say the word you, his body's gonna. You start to fight. He's got to defend himself. But if you sit down and say, I've been taking on the lion's share of this stuff while you got well, and I'm so grateful that I was able to help you and walk alongside you in this way. That's great. I want to back off on doing everything around the house, and I want us to begin. Right, so you're using the word I, which is an invitation word. And, man, you get to decide. You get to lay it out there. I would suggest that you come with a picture in your mind that you can tell him pretty clearly, because usually these conversations with the people pleasers start with, I just want you to pick up some more slack. And you have a picture in your head of what more slack is. And he gets a picture in his head of what more slack is. And those pictures do not match. So let's just. Let's be specific. Let's be very specific and find a moment where you can be grateful for the things that he does do. And these conversations always help with a spirit of gratitude, a spirit of curiosity. Not judging, not, I can't believe it. It's just about invitation. And then if he says, I'm not doing any of that stuff now, you have to deal with the actual gaps in your marriage. Right. Hopefully he hears you and says, I'm all in. I can't wait to build something new in 2025.

[A]

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