My Wife's Spending Put Us Back Into Baby Step 1

Summary

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The Ramsey Show Highlights Episode Summary

Episode Title: My Wife's Spending Put Us Back Into Baby Step 1
Date: August 28, 2025
Host: Dave Ramsey
Co-host: Rachel Cruze
Guest Caller: Herman

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Overview

This episode centers on Herman, a caller expressing frustration about his wife’s spending habits, which have caused their family to revert back to Baby Step 1 in the Ramsey financial program. Seeking advice, Herman wants to know how to better unite with his spouse financially without creating conflict or resentment. Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze provide grounded guidance on approaching money disagreements in marriage—emphasizing communication, empathy, and unity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Challenge: Struggling With Spouse’s Spending ([00:06]–[01:46])

• Herman shares his situation:
  • Married, wife is a generous spender.
  • Despite attending Financial Peace University (FPU) and exposure to Ramsey content, his wife continues to overspend.
  • Recent example: Spent $700 on a baby shower, pushing their finances back to Baby Step 1.
  • Frustration over repeated conversations not leading to behavioral change.

2. Common Mistakes in Spousal Communication ([01:46]–[03:10])

• Dave Ramsey diagnoses the problem:
  • Warns against invoking "Dave Ramsey" too often:

    “You’re gonna turn me into a dadgum cuss word in your house, man.” (Dave Ramsey, 01:50)

  • Most people focus on what to do rather than why to do it.
  • Suggests dreaming together about what a financially stable future could look like:

    “You need to pan back and dream together about what life would be like if we had built some wealth and didn’t have the stress of money.” (Dave Ramsey, 02:34)

3. Effective Conversation Approaches ([03:10]–[04:34])

• Rachel Cruze reframes the issue:
  • Avoid the blame game (“you spend, you’re out of control”).
  • Take ownership of feelings and share underlying fears:

    “What I’m scared about is that we’re not going to have financial security...If something happens...what is going on within you?” (Rachel Cruze, 03:36)

  • Advocates for understanding the why behind both partners’ behaviors, not imposing strict controls.

4. Boundaries & Reality-Checking ([04:34]–[06:09])

• Calling Out Irresponsible Spending:

  • Dave draws a firm line:

    “We don’t have $1,000 to our name, and you spend $700 on a baby shower. I’m throwing a flag, okay, right? She’s out of bounds. That’s like sixth-grade math violation right there.” (Dave Ramsey, 04:34)

  • Emphasizes importance of both adults acknowledging financial boundaries.

• Rachel urges empathetic reality-check:

  • Ensure the spouse truly understands the consequences of her choices.
  • Sometimes the issue is not just math, but a disconnect from reality or logistics.

5. Deeper Issues: Communication & Partnership ([06:09]–[07:32])

• Dave’s prescription:

  • Sit down as a couple and ask, “What do we want our future life to look like?”
  • Define what actions are necessary to reach that “desired future.”
  • If alignment on the future and the process is impossible, it could signal a marriage, not a money, issue:

    “If she’s like, ‘Yeah, I’m going to do whatever I want,’ well, you now have a wife problem. You don’t have a money problem.” (Dave Ramsey, 05:48)

• Rachel and Dave emphasize shared responsibility:

  • Both must act as adults and partners, not caretakers or adversaries:

    “You’re not a caretaker. You’re not her daddy. You’re her husband.” (Dave Ramsey, 06:34)

  • When the journey gets tough, see it as a relationship-building opportunity:

    “Those places of struggle and conflict...that’s where intimacy is built, and that’s where you build a strong foundation of a great marriage.” (Rachel Cruze, 07:32)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dave Ramsey on overusing the Ramsey name:
  “You’re gonna turn me into a dadgum cuss word in your house, man.” (01:50)

• On dreaming and buy-in:
  “You need to pan back and dream together about what life would be like if we had built some wealth and didn’t have the stress of money.” (02:34)

• Rachel Cruze on empathy and ownership:
  “...what I’m scared about is that we’re not going to have financial security. We have a lot of debt. If something happens...what is going on within you?” (03:36)

• Dave Ramsey on spending boundaries:
  “That’s like sixth-grade math violation right there. You just don’t do that. An adult knows that boundary.” (04:34)

• On partnership:
  “You’re not a caretaker. You’re not her daddy. You’re her husband.” (06:34)

• Rachel Cruze on conflict as opportunity:
  “Those places of struggle and conflict...that’s where intimacy is built, and that’s where you build a strong foundation of a great marriage.” (07:32)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Caller setup & problem description: 00:06–01:46
• Dave & Rachel’s initial advice: 01:46–03:10
• Deeper discussion on communication: 03:10–04:34
• Boundaries and reality checks: 04:34–06:09
• Adulthood & partnership in marriage: 06:09–07:32
• Closing encouragement: 07:32–08:04

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Tone and Closing Notes

The tone is candid, direct, and empathetic—classic for Ramsey’s approach, with Rachel offering a perspective grounded in both financial wisdom and emotional intelligence. The discussion balances blunt financial boundaries with deep respect for marital partnership and personal growth.

Bottom line: It’s less about rigidly enforcing “the Ramsey plan,” and more about building trust, having courageous conversations, and uniting as a team to pursue shared dreams—financially and relationally.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Herman]

I am a married man and I have a wife that is a spender. And I just want to know what can I do to get her more on board with the Dave Ramsey plan. We went to fpu. I watched her show pretty much every single day, and I try to tell her things. I sent her YouTube shorts, and I just feel like there's nothing I can say or do that makes her change her ways. And I just. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Dave Ramsey]

I think we're going to phone a friend. We're going to call Winston, Rachel's husband, and ask him how he dealt Rachel being a spender.

[Rachel Cruze]

Perfect combo.

[Herman]

We can do that. I'm cool with that.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay, well, my question is to you. How are you approaching it? Like, have you guys sat down and had actual real conversations or has it been. Not that it's passive aggressive to send throwing.

[Dave Ramsey]

Are you throwing Ramsey YouTube grenades? Is that all you're doing?

[Herman]

No, no, no, no. So we have had heart to heart. Okay.

[Rachel Cruze]

And what's her rebuttal conversations?

[Herman]

There is no rebuttal. That's the thing. The thing is this. When the example is we. My. My brother's about to have a baby and she decided to throw a baby shower and we spent about 700 on that. And we're in baby step. We're. Because of that, we're back in baby step one. And that's the kind where I'm like, you know, I. And she's super nice. She's a great person. Super giving. A little too giving sometimes when, yeah, we need to take care of our stuff, you know, So I. I don't know how or what to say to get her to do this Dave Ramsey plan.

[Dave Ramsey]

Well, quit saying Dave Ramsey for one thing.

[Herman]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

You're gonna turn me into a dadgum cuss word in your house, man.

[Herman]

Yeah. Yeah, you kind of are already. Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

Too late. Yeah. Okay, so number one, I'll let Rachel chime in too. But most guys make this more than gals make this mistake.

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[Dave Ramsey]

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[Rachel Cruze]

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[Christy]

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[Rachel Cruze]

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[Dave Ramsey]

It just takes that stress out of.

[Herman]

The day to day life.

[Christy]

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[Dave Ramsey]

Most guys make this more than gals make this mistake. You talk about what to do rather than why to do it. So you need to pan back and dream together about what life would be like if we had built some wealth and didn't have the stress of money. And you've got to get some buy in, in this high definition dream. And then, only then are people willing to do the hard stuff to get to the dream.

[Herman]

Right?

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. And I would say I feel like I've done that. Yeah. Well, what I'm wondering though, again is too for spouses, especially with money, because it's such a hot. It's such a hot button because it does, it causes so much stress and conflict. And so for you, Herman, I want to, I would want the conversations more so to go not pointing at her and saying, you did this, you did this, you're doing this. You're a spender, you're out of control. You spend $800. You, you, you. What's going on with you, Herman? Right. And coming to her in a sense to say, hey, as your husband, I have some fear around this. This makes me. When I, when I look at the pattern, what I'm, what I'm scared about is that we, we're not going to have financial security. We have a lot of debt. If something happens like, like what is going on within you. Cause it can easily become. You don't mean it to be, but it can become the blame game of she's the problem and you're the savior in the situation. Right. And so for her to understand where you're going from what you were just saying, it's not the what we gotta get on a budget. You have to stop spending. But it's why what is going on with you? And then at that point, Herman, you know, if you guys talk through and it's not that she can never spend money. Cause that's another thing. Some people, not that you are this, but some people, right, they go so extreme and where the spouse is like, this is the most miserable life because you're giving me $150.

[Dave Ramsey]

We don't have $1,000 to our name. And you spend $700 on a baby shower. And I'm throwing a flag. Okay, right. She's out of bounds, okay? Completely out of bounds. That's like sixth grade math violation right there. Okay? You just don't do that. An adult knows that. Boundary.

[Rachel Cruze]

Okay, yes, I hear you. But also, I do want to make sure he's giving her the Runway. To really understand the reality. Because sometimes people in his situation, they're running and doing all the logistics of it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. I'm just saying if we sit down and we say, this is how much money we have, and then you go do that, that's a problem.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah, 100%. No, I agree with that.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. So anyway. Yeah. I'm gonna pan back and I'm gonna make this a conversation. So here's the thing. Maybe we can go this far. Hey, I'm worried about this stuff. This is bothering me. I'm terrified. Our current process is not working. It's hurting our relationship. And. And I cannot see a prosperous future with the way we're doing this. So something's got to change. Now, sit down here with me, and let's talk about what we want our future life to look like. What my friend Henry Cloud calls our desired future. And then you have to ask yourself what must be true to get to that desired future. And if she's like, yeah, I'm going to do whatever I want, well, you now have a wife problem. You don't have a money problem. Now you have a marriage issue. You need to go to a marriage counselor. But most of the time, you're gonna get buy in when you ask questions and pull rather than push. And when you talk about where we're going rather than how we're gonna get there.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

And what Simon Sinek calls the why.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. And she, to your point, has to live in the reality of the numbers. You can't live beyond that. And when she starts to live beyond that, that shows a level of immaturity, honestly, on her end, that she can't be an adult. And do you know 4th grade math of like, okay, we have this. We can't overspend here. There is a point of that. So I would want to know from her what is causing this.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. And I think she is a sweet person, but she's got to be the adult.

[Rachel Cruze]

That's right.

[Dave Ramsey]

The second adult in the equation. You're not a caretaker. You're not her daddy. You're her husband.

[Herman]

I am not. I am a partner. And that's what I want.

[Dave Ramsey]

Exactly. Amen. And that's why she's got to view it. Which means she steps up, puts her shoulder in the harness with you, and together we pull this. This is two grownups.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. And my. My hunch is.

[Dave Ramsey]

And then you can argue about what we spend on the shower.

[Rachel Cruze]

Sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But my. My hunch is from what he's saying and from what we experience a lot on the show with callers. When it comes to. When it comes to money and marriage issues, 80% of it's usually a marriage issue or an individual issue. It's not just the math.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. It's a communication thing.

[Rachel Cruze]

Yeah. So you're probably gonna start to. If you keep digging in and you guys keep getting to that level of conversation, it's gonna start to reveal other things within the marriage and the relationship, which is great, because this is the point of where a lot of couples separate everything. And, like, this is just too hard. We're gonna just do our own individual thing.

[Dave Ramsey]

And that's the disaster.

[Rachel Cruze]

And that's a disaster. Right. So even when it gets hard, continue to push in, because those places of struggle and conflict, that's where intimacy is built, and that's where you build a strong foundation of a great marriage, is when you get through those conflicts. So see it as a. As a relationship building opportunity moment. Herman. That's what we could say.

[Dave Ramsey]

That was so sweet. It's an opportunity to grow.

[Rachel Cruze]

It is to deepen the relationship.

[Dave Ramsey]

So we don't.

[Rachel Cruze]

But I know you're annoyed, so we.

[Dave Ramsey]

Don'T kill each other.

[Rachel Cruze]

I hear that.

[Dave Ramsey]

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