Our Son Is Studying Abroad But We Don't Really Know What He's Doing

Summary

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The Ramsey Show Highlights

Episode Title: Our Son Is Studying Abroad But We Don't Really Know What He's Doing
Date: October 3, 2025
Host: Ramsey Network
Featured Experts: Dr. John Delony ("C"), Jade Warshaw ("D")
Caller: Jay ("B")

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a parent's concern about supporting their adult son, who is currently studying abroad. The caller and his wife have financially assisted their son in attending a foreign university, but lack clarity about what he's actually doing or studying. The discussion explores boundaries in providing financial support, the crucial importance of clear communication between parents and children around educational funding, and how to handle uncertainty and expectations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lack of Transparency About the Son’s Activities

• Caller Jay reveals uncertainty about what his son is studying overseas (00:51).
  • Jay: "We're not really sure [what he's studying]." (00:55)
• John Delony immediately responds with caution, advising against further support without details:
  • John Delony: "I would not put another penny in this." (00:57)
• The experts emphasize the necessity of understanding what the student is doing, what the expected outcomes are, and what the money is actually covering.
  • John Delony: "I would not fund my kid to leave the country to go do a thing that I don't know what's going on or what they're doing, what they're studying and what... they are expecting to gain." (01:03)

2. Amount Spent and Unclear Communication

• Jay estimates they've contributed around $10,000 so far. (01:36)
• Jay admits his son is ambiguous about his plans, confirming the lack of clear communication originates with the son:
  • Jade Warshaw: "Is the uncertainty on your part or... is it on his part?" (01:55)
  • Jay: "The latter." (02:11)

3. Academic Progress and Accountability

• The experts probe whether Jay has seen proof of academic progress, like grades or a portfolio if it's a visual arts program (02:14–02:41). Jay’s responses reveal minimal engagement with his son's academic milestones.
• Jade Warshaw bluntly asks if Jay believes his son is still enrolled (02:42).
  • Jay: "I do think he's in a situation where he is kind of up against the wall. He told us he got sick during the first semester... and got behind on some of his classes. And I believe that he did get a job... but it's not enough [income]." (02:50)

4. Financial Aid and Alternatives

• Jay explains they've recommended other options, including a small student loan, but his son lacks sufficient income to qualify.
• John Delony voices skepticism about the whole situation:
  • John Delony: "This is not passing my smell test." (03:38)

5. Foundational Mistake: Lack of Upfront Communication

• Both experts agree: the core issue is not just money, but the absence of explicit expectations and ongoing conversations about education, responsibilities, and funding.
  • Jade Warshaw: "There was a lack of expectation and lack of clear conversation on, you know, how we're going to school, who's paying for it, what's on the table, what's not on the table, what my responsibility is, what your responsibility is." (03:47)
• They suggest this conversation should have happened before any money changed hands, and should happen more than once.
  • Jade Warshaw: "...when you do come to your son and say, hey, son, I can't give you any more money for this. Here's why. But I also want to go back and say, here's what I should have done." (04:15)

6. Importance of Clarity and Specificity

• John Delony: Even if a student funds most of their own education—a major accomplishment—parents should still require clarity before contributing their own money. (05:04)
  • John Delony: "I'd still sit down and say, what are you studying? What's your plan with this? What is your day to day going to look like? How can I love you here?" (05:07)
• He underlines the importance of understanding life plans, visa implications, job prospects, and post-graduation intentions—especially for studies abroad. (05:50)

7. Practical Guidance for Parents

• Jade Warshaw: Paying for college is a privilege, not an obligation. The most important thing—money aside—is to have explicit conversations about expectations regarding education, finances, and responsibilities. (06:41–07:26)
  • Jade Warshaw: "The one thing you must do that is so, so important: you've got to have these conversations before the fact." (07:22)
• John Delony: Start discussing these issues as early as freshman year of high school.
  • John Delony: "It doesn't sneak up on you... it's a simple, reverse-engineering math problem. Say we're going to have this many dollars in an account to help you." (08:11)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• John Delony: "I am as pro higher education as anybody... But you don't even know what you're putting money into, so I would not. One more penny." (01:01)
• Jade Warshaw: "I would not keep shelling out money for purposes that you don't know of or what it's being used for." (03:47)
• John Delony: "Something's not adding. Something's not right." (05:46)
• Jade Warshaw: "It doesn't make you a good parent or a bad parent if you can't afford to pay [for college]." (06:56)
• John Delony: "Start talking about it your freshman year of high school. It doesn't sneak up on you. It's like Christmas. It will be there in four years." (08:10)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:51 — Caller describes the situation: son studying abroad, seeking more money.
• 01:03 — Experts question supporting education without transparency.
• 01:36 — Total support so far: ~$10,000.
• 02:14 — Questions about grades, portfolio, and academic progress.
• 02:50 — Son's claims: illness, falling behind, new job.
• 03:38 — Skepticism about the son's situation.
• 03:47 — Importance of upfront expectations and communication.
• 05:04 — Even significant contributions from students merit investigation.
• 06:41 — Paying for college: privilege, not requirement.
• 07:26–08:11 — Explicit conversations, early planning, and expectation-setting.

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Never provide financial support for educational purposes without clarity on what’s being studied and what the expected return is.
• Initiate ongoing, explicit conversations with children—ideally beginning well before college—about responsibilities, costs, and contributions.
• Paying for a child’s education is not required to be a good parent; setting and communicating clear expectations is far more vital.
• When in doubt, withhold financial support until there’s full transparency and joint agreement on plans.

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Transcript

[A]

If your private student loans are in default, you're not out of options. Go to yrefi.com Ramsey, I got a question for you.

[B]

It's kind of a. Kind of short, to the point. My wife and I, we own our own home and we're still working a little. I'm working full time. My wife works part time. And we have two grown sons. And one of them recently went overseas to go to school. And we, along with him, put together some money for him to go over and start going to school overseas. And now he has asked us to help again and just wanted to kind of get some advice and, you know, see what you guys would. Would recommend.

[C]

What's he. What's he studying overseas?

[B]

That's a good question. We're not really sure.

[C]

Yeah, I would not. I would not put another penny in this.

[D]

You don't know what he's studying?

[C]

None. And I am as pro higher education as anybody in this building. I promise. Maybe the top. I'm probably the most pro higher education person I know. And I would not fund my kid to leave the country to go do a thing that I don't know what's going on or what they're doing, what they're studying and what. What the. What they are expecting to gain. And by the way, if my kid goes to college, one of my rules is you have to study abroad. I even believe in sending kids abroad. We've got to get like. I'm a huge believer in that. But you don't even know what you're putting money into, so I would not. One more penny.

[D]

Jay, how much have you given him so far?

[B]

It's. It's between. Let's say It's. It's around 10,000.

[D]

Okay. So.

[B]

And okay, his. His mother probably knows a little bit more. We think it's visual art, but we're not sure. I'm. I'm not sure.

[D]

Is it. Is the uncertainty to Answer me this. Is the uncertainty on your part or is on. Is it on his part? Has he been kind of telling you and you guys are like, okay, yeah, and just not taking it in, or is he being ambiguous and not being clear?

[B]

Yeah, the second. Okay, the latter.

[C]

Did he. Did he have grades? And end of semester, if you're a VA student, you would have. Visual arts student. You would have a portfolio that you've started your freshman year. So he would have examples of art and examples of all different sorts of product. Have you seen all that stuff?

[B]

Some of it, yeah.

[C]

Have you seen the grades in a while?

[B]

No. Have not seen any grades.

[D]

Level with us.

[B]

This is level with us, Jay.

[D]

Do you think he's still in school or do you think something else.

[B]

I do.

[D]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

I do think. I do think he's in a situation where he is kind of up against the wall. He got. He told us he got sick during the first. The first semester there, and he got behind on some of his classes. And I believe that he did get a job. He never had a job before when he was. But he has a job now, but it's not enough to generate. And we did recommend maybe looking into other options, like a small student loan or something like that. But really without an income, I just. I wasn't sure whether or not he was going to be able to, you know, pass the formalities of getting a student loan when he didn't have a job. But he does have a job.

[C]

I don't even know if you can get a federal student loan to qualify for overseas, an overseas university. This. Jay, this is not. I worked with college students for 20 years. This is not passing my smell test.

[D]

Yeah, it's not sounding good, but there's two sides of it. I. I want to confirm that there's two sides of this here. I agree with John. I would not keep shelling out money for purposes that you don't know of or what it's being used for. That's thing one. But thing two is there. It sounds like there was a lack of expectation and lack of clear conversation on, you know, how we're going to school, who's paying for it, what's on the table, what's not on the table, what my responsibility is, what your responsibility is. That conversation clearly was never had. And so when you do come to your son and say, hey, son, I can't give you any more money for this. Here's why. But I also want to go back and say, here's what I should have done.

[C]

100.

[D]

Yeah. Does that make sense?

[B]

He did a lot. He did a lot of it on his own. 75 of it was done on his own. And I know we.

[C]

You still don't even know what it is.

[B]

Right? What I'm saying, that has. That has been a source of bothering me and his mother for over a year now.

[C]

So if my kid came. If my kid came to me and said, hey, I'm spending 35 grand of my own money that I saved up with you, help me with the last ten grand to go to college, I would be thrilled. Absolutely.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

But we'd still sit down before I Wrote a check for $10,000 a semester, 40 grand over the course of four years. I would still sit down and say, what are you studying? What's your plan with this? What is your day to day going to look like? How can I love you here? And by the way, again, every college is different. And I can't speak for overseas colleges. I know I spent a ton of my time taking students who got sick, psychologically, physically, who know, like cancer, psychiatric issues, all of it, helping them get back on their feet and be successful that semester and, or the next one. And so just, just doesn't. Something's not adding something, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And so I love Jade. What Jade said is so important, though, because if you sit down and say, hey, I don't know what's going on, I don't, then he's got to have to defend himself. If you sit down and say, hey, I blew this whole college thing and I want to start over. I need some more information. I didn't do a good job. I wasn't clear up front. I didn't ask you what your major is. I didn't tell you. I want to see some of the work. I want to know what the plan is. Why are we studying overseas? What kind of job or life do you want to have? Are you going to live overseas when you get out of school and is there a visa process? Are you going to come back home? All want to know some of those questions because Jay, the question I'm hearing him ask beneath, the real question is I don't know where my son is and what's going on.

[D]

Yeah. And he's nowhere near me. He's in another country.

[C]

Right?

[D]

Yeah, I, there's, there's a lot going on. I'm not going to lie. But I do want to make sure that I'm being really clear. Just not only for Jay, but for other listeners too. When it comes to college, John, you know, being able to pay for school, whether all of it or a portion of it, is really a privilege for both parties. It's a privilege for the child to receive it, and it's a privilege for the parent to have the financial ability to say, here's this money for your education. Like, that's an amazing thing. That being said, it's not a requirement. Like, it doesn't make you a good parent or a bad parent if you can't afford to pay it. But the one thing, money aside, the one thing you must do that is so, so important. You've got to have these conversations before the Fact.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

And you've got to have them more than once because you hear something and you know, information gets lost and details get forgotten. It's up to us as the parent to have these conversations and say, hey, here's what it is. When you go to college, here's what we're going to do. We got to pick a place that you can afford. Here's what your mom and I are going to put in. Or here's what you know, here's what dad and I are going to do. Here's what you need to do. We're expecting you to work. We're expecting you to earn 800. Like, be specific. We're expecting you to cover your room and board. We're expecting you to cover, you know, your apartment. We're expecting you to live on campus. We're expect. We're expecting to give you $3,000 a month. Be so clear and talk about it as much as possible so that when the time comes, there's no question and.

[C]

Start talking about it. Your freshman year of high school.

[D]

Yes, yes, yes.

[C]

It doesn't sneak up on you. It's like Christmas. It will be there in four years. And it's a simple reverse engineering math problem. Say we're going to have this many dollars in an account to help you.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You're going to be responsible for this. And by the way, here's what the top three colleges in our state cost. Or this is reality.

[D]

Or like my dad said, hey, you ain't got a college fund, so you better be good at sports or you better get an academic scholarship. And that's the expectation.

[C]

And tell them that their freshman year of high school, not their second semester, senior year.

[A]

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