She Feels Like She Lives In A Hostage Situation

Summary

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Episode Overview

Main Theme:
This episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights features a powerful and emotionally charged call from Isabel, a 28-year-old woman who feels "like a hostage" in her relationship and work life. Dave Ramsey and co-host Jade Warshaw provide candid financial and personal advice, focusing on the intersection of money, manipulation, and self-worth. The show tackles issues of control, financial dependency, and personal empowerment within toxic relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Isabel’s Situation: Financial and Emotional Hostage

• Isabel earns $20,000/year working at her boyfriend’s bar. She lives with him, and her car and rent are tied to the arrangement.
• She describes herself as "kind of a hostage in this situation." (00:06)
• Despite working as a kitchen manager and putting in up to 90 hours/week, her financial position is unstable.
• The boyfriend, age 40 (compared to her 28), keeps significant control—financial and living arrangements—making her feel trapped.

Unpacking the Power Dynamics

• Dave: Immediately recognizes signs of manipulation and control. He states, "This sounds like scary manipulation. $20,000, first of all, is below the poverty line. Let's start there." (00:32)
• Isabel explains her car ($8,000 Honda CRV) and rent are "included" but she still only receives $20,000 salary.
• Her boyfriend makes substantial money at the bar ("He makes $7,000 in a weekend” (03:18)), making her low wage even starker.

Direct Confrontation & Tough Questions

• Jade: Presses Isabel on why she stays: "What's causing you to stay at a job that's paying you $20,000? That's not a living wage." (02:02)
• When Isabel deflects saying there’s no Target store nearby, Dave steps in: "Don't start making excuses. Answer the question. What is keeping you?" (02:27)

Revealing the Emotional Trap

• Isabel admits leaving would likely mean being kicked out of both her job and home:

  "We've had that talk before and he would kick me out. I would no longer work there and I would have to find another job." (04:30)

• Jade responds immediately: "This is that right there, Isabel... Do you think that you can stay with somebody like that that doesn't want you to get ahead...?" (04:38)

The Assessment: Indentured Servitude & Abuse

• Dave: Delivers a blunt assessment: "You are an indentured servant. Look it up. That's what this guy's got you turned into. You're basically working for your livelihood. Meaning he's just going to give me rent. He got me the $8,000 car. He's got you underneath his thumb." (05:30)
• Jade & Dave: Both assert: There’s no way out financially while Isabel remains in the relationship; the only solution is to leave.

Underlying Emotional Patterns

• Dave picks up on generational trauma, referencing Isabel’s financial help for her mother and the originating abuse cycles:

  "My guess, there's this abuse that runs in your past. And I think you're terrified of becoming your mom. So this guy at 40 years of age, as manipulative as he is, he represents safety for you." (07:14)

Action Plan & Empowerment

• Dave’s Homework for Isabel:
  • Reach out to friends or family for support and a place to stay
  • Get a job elsewhere to stand independently
  • Consult a therapist to work through the trauma and cycles of codependency
  • Take a break, if not a full breakup, to gain perspective

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Dave Ramsey [00:32]:

  "Sweetheart, I'm glad you said it so I didn't have to. This sounds like scary manipulation. $20,000, first of all, is below the poverty line. Let's start there."

• Jade Warshaw [02:02]:

  "What's causing you to stay at a job that's paying you $20,000? That's not a living wage."

• Isabel [04:30]:

  “We've had that talk before and he would kick me out.”

• Dave Ramsey [05:30]:

  "You are an indentured servant. Look it up. That's what this guy's got you turned into. You're basically working for your livelihood...He's got you underneath his thumb."

• Jade Warshaw [06:35]:

  "You can't stay with this guy. No, you cannot. He's not going to let you get ahead. He's controlling you. And it's tough because...it seems like he holds all the power and all the cards because right now he does. But that doesn't mean that you can't go out and get yourself a job and get, get ahead."

• Dave Ramsey [07:14]:

  "My guess, there's this abuse that runs in your past. And I think you're terrified of becoming your mom. So this guy at 40 years of age, as manipulative as he is, he represents safety for you."

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:06 — Isabel lays out her situation: describes feeling like a hostage.
• 00:32 — Dave identifies manipulation and financial abuse.
• 02:02 — Jade questions Isabel about why she stays, uncovering lack of options or self-belief.
• 03:18 — Isabel reveals boyfriend’s bar makes $7,000 a weekend.
• 04:30 — Isabel admits boyfriend would kick her out if she tried to leave the job.
• 05:30 — Dave labels the arrangement as indentured servitude and abusive.
• 06:35 — Jade encourages Isabel that she deserves better and has options.
• 07:14 — Dave connects Isabel’s past family dynamics to her current situation and urges her to seek help and therapy.

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Tone and Style

The hosts, particularly Dave Ramsey and Jade Warshaw, are direct, compassionate, and unwavering in their support of Isabel’s need to take back her independence. Their tone balances tough love with genuine concern, providing Isabel and listeners with both stark truths and hopeful action steps.

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Summary Takeaway

Isabel’s story is a cautionary tale on the dangers of financial and emotional dependency. Dave and Jade make it clear: breaking free and reclaiming autonomy will be difficult, but it is both necessary and possible. Their message resonates with anyone feeling stuck in a controlling relationship—there is a way out, and help is available.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Isabel]

I guess I have a weird situation. I make $20,000 a year, and I work at a bar and restaurant. My boyfriend and I. Well, he owns it, but my rent is connected to that salary that I make. My vehicle is connected to that salary that I make. I feel like I'm kind of a hostage in this situation.

[Dave Ramsey]

Sweetheart, I'm glad you said it so I didn't have to. This sounds like scary manipulation. $20,000, first of all, is below the poverty line. Let's start there.

[Isabel]

Yeah, that's kind of what I thought.

[Dave Ramsey]

And then after your rent is coming out of that and after your car payment is coming out of that. Is that right? He's paying for those two things?

[Isabel]

He bought my car and I drive it. He maintains it within reason. I suppose I still have to do, like, the major stuff on it.

[Dave Ramsey]

What kind of car did he buy you?

[Isabel]

It's a 2014 Honda CRV.

[Dave Ramsey]

So not. Not, you know, not a real luxury item here. How much did he spend on it like that? No, I know. I'm just trying to do the math here. How much did he spend for.

[Isabel]

He bought it. He bought it for $8,000.

[Dave Ramsey]

Exactly. So he bought you an $8,000 car that comes out of the 20,000. So he goes, now all I have to do is pay her 12.

[Isabel]

No, I still make. My salary is 20,000. He bought me the car, and my rent is kind of included without having to pay for that salary of $20,000.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. The way you worded it, I thought it was coming out of the 20. So you're making 20 period.

[Jade]

But why.

[Isabel]

Look, that's it.

[Jade]

Why are you. Why would you stay at. How old are you?

[Isabel]

I'm 28. Why would you stay at it in December?

[Jade]

What's causing you to stay at a job that's paying you 20,000? That's not a living wage.

[Isabel]

I feel like I'm barely making it by. I.

[Jade]

Yes, but what's causing you to stay there? Of course, you're barely making it by. But what's causing you to stay there and not go for another job? Because you could. My point is, you could go to Target and make more or Walmart.

[Isabel]

I don't have a target around me.

[Dave Ramsey]

Oh, now, Isabel, don't start making excuses. Answer the question. What is keeping you? Well, let me ask a back another backstory question. Are you living with him or.

[Isabel]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay, okay.

[Isabel]

We've been dating for three years.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. When did the bar. When did the okay, hold on. When did the bar job happen? When did you start working for him?

[Isabel]

About four and a half years ago.

[Dave Ramsey]

What were you doing before that? For work?

[Isabel]

I've always been a kitchen person and now I'm kitchen manager and I'm for his bar.

[Dave Ramsey]

And is his bar, is it struggling? Is he just scraping by as well? Or is it doing okay? Is it doing well? What do you know?

[Isabel]

He makes $7,000 in a weekend.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay.

[Isabel]

We. We don't talk about finances, to be honest.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. And does he pay for all of your. He pays for everything except for a little bit of spending money that you have from the 20s. He covering all your bills or are you covering other things?

[Isabel]

No, I'm covering other things. I'm in debt. $3,500 because I was trying to help my mom because she was a single mother and complicated, but.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. Well, your whole situation is complicated. How old is he?

[Isabel]

He just turned 40.

[Dave Ramsey]

I had a sense of that. I'm not a relationship expert, nor am I going to try one, but I think this is a manipulative relationship at best. And I think that you think you can't do any better. You've been making $20,000 a year for four and a half years. I'm guessing three. For three years.

[Jade]

What would happen if. Tell me honestly what would happen if today you said to him, hey, I'm not going to work at the bar anymore. I'm not making enough money. I found another job and I'm going to take that job instead? What would happen?

[Isabel]

Well, we've had that talk before and he would kick me out. I would no longer work there and I would have to find another job.

[Jade]

Okay, so there it is.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, we got a weird.

[Jade]

This is that right there. Isabel. I knew that that was the answer and I just wanted you to say it. Do you think that you can stay with somebody like that that doesn't want you to get ahead and be able to stand on your own two feet? Do you think it's healthy or safe for you to be with someone like that?

[Isabel]

I mean, not entirely. I guess what I really am trying to do is work my way out of my debt and.

[Jade]

But how can you not let you earn any money? He's controlling you.

[Isabel]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay, now here's the answer, Isabelle. Here's the answer. The only way you work your out way you're out of debt and stay in this abusive relationship, because that's what this is, 100%, is you're working a part time job based on what you've.

[Isabel]

Told us, I don't work a part time job on salary. I'm 90 hours a week.

[Jade]

No, it doesn't matter. You're working 90 hours a week to make $20,000 a year.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's what I'm saying. Isabel, I'm trying to help you understand there is no way to work out of this. And Jade and I, and anybody on the Ramsey show is going to tell you there's always a way to work yourself out of it. But there's no way to work yourself out of it in this situation where you're working 90 hours a week. You are an indentured servant. Look it up. That's what this guy's got you turned into. You're basically working for your livelihood. Meaning he's just going to give me rent. He got me the $8,000 car. He's got you underneath his thumb. And there's no way for you to get out of this other than you break up with this guy.

[Jade]

You have to.

[Dave Ramsey]

And you go work, you go get a good job and you start over.

[Jade]

Well, I want to, I want to flip the script on you in a couple of ways. What did you think we were going to tell you if. If, if. Because you said, you know, I really need something. I'm going to call these folks on the radio. What were you hoping we might tell you?

[Isabel]

I guess I really didn't know.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, so we're on your side, thinking.

[Isabel]

It for a while and I, I guess I maybe just needed some reassert, reassurance or something.

[Jade]

And listen, I'm. I'm gonna tell you right now, we, we love you. We do. We want the best for you. You can't stay with this guy. No, you cannot. He's not going to let you get ahead. He's controlling you. And it's tough because he's 40 and you're 28 and you've been with him for three years. And it seems like he holds all the power and all the cards because right now he does. But that doesn't mean that you can't go out and get yourself a job and get, get ahead. I think that this, it's like you're under a glass.

[Dave Ramsey]

I gotta, I gotta say this, Isabel.

[Jade]

You.

[Dave Ramsey]

You've been with him four and a half years. Did I hear that right?

[Isabel]

Well, I've been working with him four and a half, but we've been working for three.

[Dave Ramsey]

I'm sorry, but that puts you at about 25 years of age and you've had to help your mom. You went into debt. Three grand to help your mom because she's a single mom. And my guess, there's this abuse that runs in your past. And I think you're terrified of becoming your mom. So this guy at 40 years of age, as manipulative as he is, he represents safety for you. That's what I think's going on. And I'm going to recommend that you maybe. Yeah, no, it is. It's exactly what's going on going on. And I want you to go to some friends and family that, that love you and ask them if you can stay with them. You get yourself a new job. Let's get on our feet financially. Go see a therapist. That's your homework assignment. But I think you gotta. You gotta break up with this guy or I need to take a break and you need to see yourself. You don't have to do a full breakup, but take a break. Let's. Let's leave. Go spend some time somewhere else and, and maybe find a job. Not maybe find a job where you can make some money. Let's see what life feels like on the other side of this. Because I think you getting pulled down. And if you got any money that you can get a therapist with, go see a therapist and get a real professional opinion on this. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.