Should I Tell My Wife That We're Secretly Wealthy?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights – "Should I Tell My Wife That We're Secretly Wealthy?"

Episode Information:

• Title: Should I Tell My Wife That We're Secretly Wealthy?
• Release Date: June 9, 2025
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Description: The Ramsey Show Highlights offers a quick, daily dose of life and money advice in under ten minutes, featuring insights from experts like Dave Ramsey, Ken Coleman, Rachel Cruze, Dr. John Delony, George Kamel, and Jade Warshaw. Part of the Ramsey Network, it is delivered seven days a week.

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Introduction to Damon's Dilemma [00:06 – 01:07]

The episode opens with Damon reaching out to seek advice on a delicate financial and marital issue. He poses a thought-provoking question:

Damon [00:06]: "How do I, or should I ever disclose to my wife that we are secretly worth millions of dollars?"

Damon provides context about his marriage and financial dynamics:

Damon [01:07]: "We are somewhat of an American couple. I work. My wife is a stay-at-home wife, because that's just how we chose to. The thing is, I'm the saver and she's the spender."

He expresses uncertainty about revealing their substantial net worth to his wife, fearing her reaction due to their differing financial perspectives.

Cultural and Relationship Dynamics [01:07 – 02:32]

Dave Ramsey probes deeper into Damon's background to understand potential cultural influences on his financial behavior:

Dave Ramsey [00:23]: "Are you from another culture or did you grow up in America?"

Damon reveals his multicultural upbringing:

Damon [00:36]: "I was born in Korea, but I was raised in San Jose."

Dave highlights the unusual nature of Damon's financial secrecy within an American marriage framework:

Dave Ramsey [00:48]: "Because in Anglo America, what you just described, as you probably realize, is pretty whacked."

Damon elaborates on his role as the sole financial manager, leading to his apprehension about disclosing their wealth:

Damon [02:16]: "I handle all the finances."

Dave emphasizes the gravity of this deception:

Dave Ramsey [02:32]: "You have deceived your wife and actively, she's not going to be cool with that."

Financial Growth and Hidden Wealth [03:16 – 04:22]

After bypassing an advertisement segment, Damon continues to explain his financial situation. He discloses a significant increase in income:

Damon [04:15]: "Sevenfold."

Damon [04:20]: "$750,000."

Ken Coleman seeks clarification to ensure understanding:

Ken [04:05]: "What's making you the... How much is your income increased from day one of the marriage to today?"

Damon confirms the substantial growth, indicating that his wife remains unaware despite the financial changes:

Damon [04:41]: "No, not at all."

Ken underscores the disconnect:

Ken [04:53]: "So she is... She has an allowance and I give her all the money."

Advisors Addressing the Deception and Marital Strain [04:22 – 07:50]

Dave Ramsey articulates his concern over the deceit and its potential impact on the marriage:

Dave Ramsey [05:31]: "But I'm not lying about $750,000 worth of income and millions of dollars worth of net worth that she doesn't know about."

He emphasizes the importance of transparency:

Dave Ramsey [05:52]: "The longer you put this off, the worse this is going to get."

Ken Coleman adds to the conversation by focusing on Damon's fear-driven control issues:

Ken [07:50]: "I would say to my wife, I have a massive fear problem. And because I have a fear problem, I'm a control freak."

The advisors collectively stress that Damon needs to address his personal issues to resolve the marital strain caused by financial secrecy.

Strategies for Resolution and Building Trust [07:50 – 09:24]

Ken Coleman offers a step-by-step approach to help Damon navigate this complex situation:

1. Acknowledge Personal Issues:

   Ken [07:50]: "I'm afraid I'm a control freak because I'm afraid I'm gonna go get sit with a therapist and I'm gonna dig at the bottom of this."

2. Apologize and Take Responsibility:

   Ken [07:50]: "This is on me, not on you. And what I'd like to do is apologize."

3. Implement Joint Financial Planning:

   Ken [07:50]: "We are going to do a budget together. And I'm going to bring you into everything."

Dave Ramsey reinforces the necessity of open communication and mutual respect:

Dave Ramsey [08:49]: "So Damon, Ken and I are saying you're the problem, not her. That's what we're saying. And you need to go work on you, buddy."

He underscores the potential consequences of continued deception:

Dave Ramsey [09:03]: "So deal with the relational breakdown between you and her on you not communicating clearly with her. And that I, it terrifies me that you spend out of control."

Conclusion: Emphasizing Respect and Transparency [09:24]

The episode concludes with Dave Ramsey urging Damon to take immediate action to preserve his marriage:

Dave Ramsey [09:24]: "...this is a weird thing you've done, and you need to own that. Create your free EveryDollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life."

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Key Takeaways:

1. Transparency is Crucial: Concealing significant financial information from a spouse can erode trust and jeopardize the marital relationship.

2. Address Personal Fears: Damon’s fear of his wife mismanaging the newfound wealth stems from deeper personal control issues that need to be addressed, preferably with professional help.

3. Open Communication and Joint Planning: Establishing a mutual understanding of finances through joint budgeting can foster respect and collaboration in managing wealth.

4. Cultural and Personal Dynamics: Differences in cultural backgrounds and financial attitudes can significantly impact marital harmony and require sensitive navigation.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Ramsey [02:32]: "You have deceived your wife and actively, she's not going to be cool with that."

• Dave Ramsey [05:31]: "But I'm not lying about $750,000 worth of income and millions of dollars worth of net worth that she doesn't know about."

• Ken Coleman [07:50]: "I'm afraid I'm a control freak because I'm afraid I'm gonna go get sit with a therapist and I'm gonna dig at the bottom of this."

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This episode serves as a compelling case study on the importance of honesty and collaboration in managing marital finances. It highlights the potential pitfalls of financial secrecy and offers practical advice for couples facing similar dilemmas.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Damon]

How do I, or should I ever disclose to my wife that we are secretly worth millions of dollars?

[Ken]

How long you been married, bro?

[Damon]

Five years.

[Dave Ramsey]

Are you from another culture or did you grow up in America?

[Damon]

Yes, I've been in the United States for 20 years.

[Dave Ramsey]

Where did you grow up?

[Damon]

I was born in Korea, but I was raised in San Jose.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. How old are you? So you're raised by obviously Korean parents that immigrated here.

[Damon]

That is correct.

[Dave Ramsey]

Because in Anglo America, what you just described, as you probably realize, is pretty whacked, Right?

[Damon]

I understand.

[Dave Ramsey]

And yes, that's why I immediately said, is there some kind of a cultural reason for this? Because it's very unusual.

[Damon]

So the thing is, we are somewhat of a American couple. I work. My wife is stay at home wife, because that's just how we chose to. The thing is, I'm the saver and she's the spender. And for me, I have been working very hard, working my job in my. In my business to just to grow to where we are. And I am not sure whether I should ever disclose our net worth to her because I do not know how she's going to react.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, well. Well, she's probably going to react poorly because she's married to a guy who's deceived her. Unless she's a doormat. I mean, was she ra. Was she raised in a cultural situation where she's a doormat?

[Damon]

No, she's not.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, she's probably going to light you up then, don't you think?

[Damon]

To be honest, the thing is, she and I have very different perspectives when it comes to finances.

[Dave Ramsey]

I got that saver.

[Damon]

Like I'm a minimalist. She's very much a free spirit.

[Dave Ramsey]

I know, but. But that's not what I'm talking about. About the fact that you've been married to her for five years and sleeping with her for five years, but she didn't know you gained money. That's deception.

[Damon]

I handle all the finances.

[Dave Ramsey]

And honey, you're not listening. You keep deflecting every time I bring this at you. You have deceived your wife and actively, she's not going to be cool with that.

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[Dave Ramsey]

You have deceived your wife actively. She's not going to be cool with that. You hear that?

[Damon]

So I understand that she's going to be somewhat. She is going to be angry. What I'm more troubled about is, is how she is going to take off, take the news of his finances and she's going to spend.

[Ken]

No, we got that. You're scared to death.

[Dave Ramsey]

You're scared she's going to go spend all your money. I got that. Which is the reason you lied to her in the first place. I got that.

[Ken]

Did you have any money when you married her? Did you bring family money into the marriage?

[Damon]

No.

[Ken]

Okay, so I heard you say you've worked really hard over the last five years in your business. So you're self employed, is that right?

[Damon]

I have a full time job and I have a business on the side.

[Ken]

Okay. What's making you the. How much? Here's my question. How much is your income increased from day one of the marriage to today? How much has it increased?

[Damon]

Sevenfold.

[Ken]

Sevenfold. So you're making what now?

[Damon]

750,000.

[Ken]

And so she's noticed that you've gotten more money. Correct. She's not even.

[Dave Ramsey]

Like he doesn't exhibit any signs of it. It all goes into savings.

[Ken]

Well, I don't know. What was your answer?

[Damon]

My answer to does she know that.

[Ken]

You'Re making more money?

[Damon]

No, not at all.

[Ken]

So she is. She has a stipend.

[Damon]

She has allowance and I give her all the money.

[Ken]

All right. I just wanted to get to the bottom of that, make sure that I absolutely understood that.

[Dave Ramsey]

All right, diamond, here's the thing, okay. I value a quality marriage and relationship going into my old age because we've now been married almost 43 years. I value that more than money. You don't. So I'm having trouble connecting with you on this. I can't imagine a world where I would deceive my wife actively about any major thing for five years. About anything. Not even a major thing. I don't deceive her about anything. Except if she asks if these jeans make her look fat, I might lie then. But although she's not fat, so there's. Okay, so that's an easy play. But. Right.

[Ken]

That's not lying.

[Dave Ramsey]

But I'm not lying about $750,000 worth of income and millions of dollars worth of net worth that she doesn't know about. I do quite the contrary because she can't grasp where we live today, but she's the saver. So to your point, Damon, how do you do this? I'm not sure I know how to answer your question. Question. I will tell you this. I'm just the older guy sitting over here going, okay, you brought some culture into this where the guy's in charge and the lady doesn't have any say or any vote, especially if she's a spender. And so all of that combined with your nerd like paranoia has led you to this deception. And so I'm giving you a little bit of grace here, but I'm telling you it's, this is not going to end well. The longer you put this off, the worse this is going to get. And there's two things here that you can't put off anymore. I think you called nascar. So, son, you're always going to get an answer here because we love you and we want you to win. So thing number one that's not going to last and go well is your disrespect of your wife. So she and you need to talk about her spending and you all get on the same page. You, you probably need to lighten up about 25 notches and she probably needs to tighten up about 5 notches and the two of you get on grown up pages on how we are going to live our life or you're not going to be able to go forward because you don't respect her. You think she's a child and you're treating her as such. And that is the second point is your marriage is not going to end well. It's not going to last because this stuff blows up and the longer you wait and the bigger these numbers are, the bigger the explosion is going to be. So deal with the relational breakdown between you and her on you not communicating clearly with her. And that I, it terrifies me that you spend out of control. It terrifies me that you think you're in Congress. It terrifies me. We've got to get on the same page, honey. We got to get on the same page. And you've got to get to the point that you respect her competency as an adult. And then, and also sooner rather than later, you've got to stop this deception because those two things are going to end your marriage.

[Ken]

Yeah, I agree with everything Dave said, Damon. Here's what I would do if I were you, I would say to my wife, I have a massive fear problem. And because I have a fear problem, I'm a control freak. And don't make this about her. Don't make this at all about her spending because you have actually given her an allowance. And based on what you've told Dave and I, she's been fairly compliant. So this is a pretty good lady. She may spend her allowance in a frivolous way, but my goodness, bro, she ain't as $4. Yeah. So we know you've got her locked down tighter than a. Than a drum. So I would lead with I'm afraid I'm a control freak because I'm afraid I'm gonna go go get sit with a therapist and I'm gonna dig at the bottom of this. But I've got. This is on me, not on you. And what I'd like to do is apologize. One, two. I'm going to go get healthy. Three. In the midst of all of that, we are going to do a budget together. And I'm going to bring you into everything. And for heaven's sakes, I'd start with giving her a bigger allowance, man.

[Dave Ramsey]

No, I wouldn't start. No, no, no. You just need a thing to talk about this.

[Ken]

No, I know I said third step.

[Dave Ramsey]

Is after they budget as a part of the budget.

[Ken]

That's what I mean.

[Dave Ramsey]

They both need to spend their money. No, nobody that's a spouse gets an allowance.

[Ken]

Well, that's fair. I didn' that's right. Let me correct that, because I'm not saying in that context, but she's got spending money, whatever that is, and in that budget, you need to loosen the Reinsum as she begins to build back trust. Because you are going to violate her trust when you tell her. This is my point. So you're gonna have to meet her in the middle. However you do that. That's fair. I don't mean an actual allowance, but.

[Dave Ramsey]

So Damon, Ken and I are saying you're the problem, not her. That's what we're saying. And you need to go work on you, buddy. This is a weird thing you've done, and you need to own that. Create your free everydollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.