"The Way You've Been Doing This Sucks"

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Way You've Been Doing This Sucks"

The Ramsey Show Highlights | March 9, 2026
Host: Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

In this emotionally charged episode, the Ramsey team takes a call from Kevin, a husband and father of three who is struggling with overdue mortgage payments, financial infidelity, and a lack of financial unity with his wife. The advisors dig deep into the underlying issues affecting Kevin’s household—primarily his and his wife’s separate financial lives and lack of teamwork—offering direct and practical advice for both immediate crisis management and long-term relationship repair.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Financial Crisis and Household Disunity

• Kevin’s Situation: Four months behind on the mortgage (about $1,700 monthly), currently in loss mitigation, with three kids in the household.
• Income Split: Kevin earns $700-$800/week, his wife approximately $1,400 biweekly; neither can afford the house alone.
• Separate Finances: Kevin admits he and his wife have always kept money separate, leading to poor communication and oversight over spending.
  • Kevin: “Everything has been separate from the very beginning... I do believe all of her money is going towards the kids, but I think it’s a little ridiculous. Like, she uses the affirm website, Buy now, pay later.” (00:47)

2. Consequences of Disjointed Money Management

• Team Mentality Lacking: The advisors quickly note the language and mindset should be shared ("we" not "I").
  • Financial Advisor: “How about we had to pay for it as a household? Right.” (01:41)
• Unchecked Spending Habits: Kevin’s wife is spending via buy-now-pay-later platforms, creating unchecked consumer debt.
• Missed Mortgage Payments: The current approach is failing due to lack of coordination, risking foreclosure.
  • Marriage Counselor: "You venmoing me for the mortgage and then it doesn’t come through and now I can’t pay the mortgage payment. This is not working.” (04:22)

3. Urgency and Immediate Steps

• Sense of Urgency Needed: Advisors stress critical immediate action—to unite for the family’s sake.
  • Marriage Counselor: “I think you need a foreclosure. I need a sense of urgency, or Kevin. I'd talk with her tonight and say this is on fire. We are about to lose the house.” (04:10)
• Transparency: Suggest pulling both credit reports so both parties know all debts.
  • Marriage Counselor: "You guys both pull your credit reports tonight... say, hey, all cards on the table. What are all the debts we have? We got to clean this mess up." (06:12)

4. Long-Term Relationship & Financial Repair

• Unity Over Visibility: Having access to each other’s accounts isn’t enough—it’s about working as a team.
  • Marriage Counselor: "It's less about visibility and it's more about unity." (05:41)
• Setting Common Goals: Advisors recommend envisioning what a unified, peaceful home could be, and working backward to set action steps.
  • Financial Advisor: “You can make choices to change habits, to change the way you’ve been doing marriage and... do the complete opposite. Right. Because right now it’s just chaos and division versus peace and unity.” (07:13)
• Financial Reset: With a combined $6,000/month take-home, the family's income is above average—the problem is lack of shared planning and discipline.
  • Marriage Counselor: "We make too much to feel this broke. And these kids deserve some shelter over their heads. And this is stupid to lose the house over being ununified." (08:24)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The way we’ve been doing this sucks. This is horrible.” – Financial Advisor (04:19)
• "You venmoing me for the mortgage...this is not working." – Marriage Counselor (04:22)
• “It’s less about visibility and it’s more about unity.” – Marriage Counselor (05:41)
• “You can make choices to change habits, to change the way you’ve been doing marriage...do the complete opposite. Right now it’s just chaos and division versus peace and unity.” – Financial Advisor (07:13)
• “We make too much to feel this broke.” – Marriage Counselor (08:24)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:02] Kevin outlines the financial crisis and separation of finances
• [01:41] Advisors challenge “my” language, urge for a team mentality
• [02:28] Exploration of the current household and relationship dynamic
• [04:10] Call for urgent conversation and unified action
• [04:19] “The way we've been doing this sucks” – critical turning point
• [05:11] Attempt at budgeting apps; lack of trust and visibility
• [06:12] Advisors' “homework”: pull credit reports and lay all debts on the table
• [07:13] Envisioning unity and better family outcomes
• [08:24] Income vs. lifestyle disconnect; call for a reset

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Final Thoughts

This episode hits hard on the destructive power of disunity and secrecy in household finances—especially in times of crisis. The Ramsey team pulls no punches, providing Kevin (and listeners in similar situations) a roadmap out: immediate transparency, short-term emergency action, and building real unity for a sustainable future. The message is clear: with open communication, urgency, and teamwork, even overwhelming financial chaos can be tackled.

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Recommended first action for listeners in similar circumstances:

• Sit down together, pull credit reports, list all debts, and create a unified emergency plan—starting tonight.

Transcript

[Kevin]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. My mortgage is about four months behind after my wife just stopped contributing to the household. And we are currently in loss mitigation until May. They're giving us a chance to try to, like, catch the mortgage back up. However, I'm still kind of dealing with some financial infidelity from. From her. As far as, you know, neither of us could afford the house without each other. Our mortgage is about seventeen hundred dollars a month, and my income is seven to $800 a week, and hers is about fourteen hundred every two weeks, and that's after taxes. So I was just trying to see if you could give me an idea of what I should do as far as the house goes. We do have three kids. Put that in perspective.

[Financial Advisor]

Did she stop working, Kevin? Is that why.

[Kevin]

No. So she's. She's working. Actually, at the beginning of all this, I went through a hiccup with my job. So she works during the day, and I was working overnight, and my mother went into the icu, so I had to take about a week off because I thought, you know, she was. She was on life support, so I had to go be with her, and I ended up losing my job. So it took me about three weeks to find another job. And then when I did, it was during the day. So then child care, I was having to pay for that as well. So then why do you keep saying

[Financial Advisor]

you were having to pay for it? How about we had to pay for it as a household? Right.

[Kevin]

There is no. And honestly, that's where I've kind of made a mistake from the very beginning. Everything has been separate from the very beginning, you know, And I believe. I do believe all of her money is going towards the kids, but I think it's a little ridiculous. Like, she uses the affirm website, Buy now, pay later. Yes. Yeah. Found out that later. Right. So Christmas, any holidays, birthdays, all on payments. Anything you can think of? It's all. She orders this stuff off Amazon and they just pop it right out of her check.

[Marriage Counselor]

So are you guys living together still?

[Kevin]

We do. We do live together.

[Marriage Counselor]

So what. What's the dynamic like right now? Because you've been throwing out a lot of words like infidelity, and she stopped contributing. Have you guys had a conversation about what's going on?

[Kevin]

The best of the best that we could. Yeah. I mean.

[Financial Advisor]

I mean, she does understand she's gonna get foreclosed on if she doesn't choose to contribute. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, as A household, we have to pay our mortgage. However that gets paid out of any. It doesn't matter whose check, we gotta pay the mortgage. So I don't understand what she's expecting is gonna happen.

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[Financial Advisor]

So I don't understand what she's expecting is going to happen.

[Kevin]

You know, I really don't either. And then I've kind of, I've always been the, the, the bill payer and like the take care of everything, you know. So like I'm the one who kind of worked out the, the financial plan with the, the mortgage company. I've explained it to her the best that I could of how the loss mitigation works. Basically I think we're on like a forbearance plan to where it just gives us enough time to get caught up, to keep.

[Marriage Counselor]

I think you need a foreclosure. I need a sense of urgency or Kevin. I'd talk with her tonight and say this is on fire. We are about to lose the house. Our kids need a roof over their heads. What are we doing?

[Financial Advisor]

And the way we've been doing this sucks. This is horrible.

[Marriage Counselor]

Like you venmoing me for the mortgage and then it doesn't come through and now I can't pay the mortgage payment. This is not working. So even if it's just for the kids right now to have some safety and security, she needs to pitch in.

[Kevin]

Right.

[Marriage Counselor]

And if she's out of control spending then you need to reroute the money into a bank account that you at least can see.

[Financial Advisor]

Yeah, that's the, that's the thing that has to happen in the next week or two because you guys have to start, you know, paying back on this. But then overall, Kevin, you can't, we can't function like this. You know what I mean? I mean long term in the marriage. And so for. Does she have any urgency to work on money with you and for you guys to be a team? Because always couples that have this, this split of a Mindset and such a big topic like money. I just assume you don't have a great marriage.

[Kevin]

We definitely do not right now. And I tried to sit down and budget with her, and in fact, I downloaded an app besides every dollar because our lives are hectic because we have been working opposite shifts. So I'm like a great way to effectively communicate financially. There's an app called Honeydew, and it just allows you to view each other's bank accounts. So I know how much she has. She knows how much I have. And it becomes more.

[Financial Advisor]

It's not really getting to the root of the problem. Yeah, I hear you.

[Marriage Counselor]

It's less about visibility and it's more about unity.

[Financial Advisor]

Yeah.

[Kevin]

Oh, right. And she just like that we can budget without knowing where every dollar is going. And I'm like, that's literally the name of.

[Financial Advisor]

Of Dave's budget.

[Marriage Counselor]

So, you know, it sounds like you guys have a bunch of consumer debt, too.

[Kevin]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, I. It's. I don't know. To be honest, I don't even know what all debts she has.

[Financial Advisor]

Yeah, you probably don't.

[Marriage Counselor]

Well, fun homework assignment. You guys both pull your credit reports tonight. You can do it for free. Annualcreditreport.com and you're going to find out, and we're going to say, hey, all cards on the table. What are all the debts we have? We got to clean this mess up. And again, I don't care if you hate each other, but you need to do this for the security of your own family and keep the house.

[Financial Advisor]

Yeah. And then you guys need to have kind of a reset, Kevin, of. Of where you guys want to be, you know, as a couple in the next two, three, four years. You guys need to, I mean, truly have this picture of this is what I want. This is what. What John Deloney says that this is what I want our home to feel like. What do we want our home to feel like? We're raising our children in this home. We are in this marriage together. You know, you can make choices to change habits, to change the way you've been doing marriage and. And completely turn on its head and do the complete opposite. Right. Because right now it's just chaos and division versus peace and unity. And if that's what you both want working together. Yeah. I would. I would lay out a roadmap for you, you know, and just say, where do we want to be in 24 months? Like in two years? What would the ideal life look like, feel like? And how do we reverse engineer that to Decisions that we have to make today. Some of the stuff's on fire, like what George is saying. We got to get the mortgage paid. I mean, there's some of that. That's like. But overall, what does it look like to truly have a healthy marriage where we are a team in this and together, you know, we're making decisions together. We both have input regardless of who brings in the income. This is a household that we have chosen to be a part of. And so when the money hits the account for the household, how are we going to budget it together and out of that creates the unity. But sometimes you have to do those rigorous steps first, you know, to, to get to where you want to go. But that's part of figuring out that where you even want to be as a, as a couple.

[Marriage Counselor]

Yeah, I don't. Is she. Has she opted out of this marriage? I mean, you mentioned the word infidelity. I don't know if that was disregarding finance.

[Financial Advisor]

Financial. Financial, I think.

[Marriage Counselor]

Okay, is that true?

[Kevin]

As far as I, as far as I know, it's just financially.

[Marriage Counselor]

Okay, well, you guys make $6,000 take home from what I gathered, right?

[Kevin]

Yes.

[Marriage Counselor]

Okay. That is above the average take home pay for a household in America. And you guys are living well below average lives right now. And so that's the reset we need. It's not an attack on her, an attack on you and who's right and who's wrong. It's. We need unity. We make too much to feel this broke. And these kids deserve some shelter over their heads. And this is stupid to lose the house over being ununified. I wish you the best.

[Kevin]

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