This Call Left Dave and John Stunned

Summary

Summary of "This Call Left Dave and John Stunned" – The Ramsey Show Highlights

Release Date: May 19, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "This Call Left Dave and John Stunned," hosted by the Ramsey Network, financial expert Dave Ramsey and his co-host John Delony engage in a compelling discussion sparked by a caller's distressing predicament. The caller seeks advice on how to instill budgeting habits in her 18-year-old daughter, who has been enveloped in an environment of wealth and lack of financial constraints.

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Caller’s Dilemma: An Environment of Excess

The episode begins with a caller expressing her concern about her daughter’s financial habits. The caller outlines that her 18-year-old daughter has been raised with strong values regarding money and morals through homeschooling. However, transitioning to a traditional high school environment exposed her to peers flaunting wealth, leading her to adopt unrealistic financial expectations.

• Caller’s Issue:
  “She thinks everybody should get their own car. She thinks every 18-year-old needs to budget, and she’s off to college next year.”
  (00:06 - 01:19)

The caller highlights that despite her attempts to limit her daughter’s access to money, her in-laws frequently provide funds, undermining her efforts to foster financial responsibility.

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Dave Ramsey’s Analysis: Identifying the Root Cause

Dave Ramsey swiftly identifies the core issue, suggesting that the problem isn't the daughter but the husband's approach to parenting and financial oversight.

• Dave’s Insight:
  “You don’t have a daughter problem, you have a husband problem.”
  (01:39 - 01:43)

He emphasizes that the husband's willingness to provide unlimited funds is detrimental, effectively sabotaging the family's financial education efforts.

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John Delony’s Perspective: Developmental Appropriateness and Parental Roles

John Delony concurs with Dave, adding that the daughter’s behavior is developmentally appropriate but perversely supported by her financial environment. He warns of the potential consequences, such as the daughter facing disciplinary issues in college due to a lack of financial constraints.

• John’s Warning:
  “A never-ending checking account is a recipe for a disaster.”
  (02:02 - 03:12)

Delony advocates for proactive parenting measures, such as scheduled bonding time to impart essential life lessons, reinforcing financial discipline and personal responsibility.

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The Impact of Unlimited Financial Support

Dave Ramsey delves deeper into the implications of providing unlimited financial support to young adults. He argues that abundant resources without boundaries cultivate entitlement and lack of self-discipline.

• Dave’s Critique:
  “If you just give an unlimited amount of money to a teenager, you're robbing them of their own dignity, of their own ability to stand up on their own two feet.”
  (07:04 - 07:14)

He underscores that wealth itself isn't the issue; rather, it's the lack of effective parenting that leads to dysfunctional financial behaviors in children.

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Balancing Wealth and Parenting: Insights from Dave and John

The conversation shifts to addressing concerns among affluent parents who fear their financial success might negatively impact their children. Dave reassures that wealth does not inherently ruin children; instead, it amplifies existing family dynamics.

• Dave’s Reassurance:
  “Wealth just magnifies what you are. If you're a giver, it turns you into a philanthropist. If you're grouchy, you become super grouchy.”
  (14:06 - 14:30)

John Delony adds that intentional communication about the value of hard work and the realities of financial success are crucial, irrespective of the family’s wealth level.

• John’s Advice:
  “Communicating this, how blessed we are. And this blessing comes at a cost. This is how hard we have to work.”
  (14:30 - 15:48)

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Practical Strategies: Budgeting and Teaching Financial Responsibility

Dave shares practical strategies for parents to teach financial responsibility, drawing from his own experiences raising financially disciplined children. He illustrates the importance of setting limits and encouraging savings through matched contributions.

• Dave’s Strategy:
  “We don’t get to have… I’m not buying you a car when you turn 16 either. I will match it. We had 401, Dave, and we matched it.”
  (08:08 - 11:17)

John complements this by sharing personal anecdotes about raising his children with financial boundaries, emphasizing the importance of measurable responsibilities.

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Conclusion: The Essence of Proactive Parenting

The episode culminates with both Dave and John reinforcing the significance of proactive parenting in cultivating financial wisdom among young adults. They advocate for setting clear boundaries, fostering open communication, and instilling values of hard work and responsibility.

• Final Thoughts by Dave:
  “Please enjoy your financial success with no fear of the money having ruined your child.”
  (14:00 - 14:06)

• Final Thoughts by John:
  “The solution is to continue to focus on those lessons like you just mentioned, whether you have little, whether you got a lot.”
  (15:48 - 16:00)

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Key Takeaways

1. Identify the Root Issue: Family financial education is paramount; unlimited access to funds can undermine this by fostering entitlement.
2. Proactive Parenting: Establishing clear financial boundaries and engaging in open dialogues about money are essential.
3. Wealth Amplifies Dynamics: Financial success intensifies existing family traits, making responsible parenting even more critical.
4. Teach Responsibility Through Limits: Encouraging savings and matching funds can motivate young adults to manage finances effectively.
5. Consistency is Key: Regardless of financial status, consistent messaging about the value of money and hard work is crucial for developing responsible adults.

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This episode serves as a compelling case study on the delicate balance between providing financial support and instilling financial responsibility in young adults. Dave Ramsey and John Delony offer valuable insights and practical advice for parents navigating similar challenges, emphasizing that intentional and proactive parenting is the cornerstone of fostering financially responsible and self-sufficient individuals.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today.

[Caller]

I'm just wondering if there is any way or hope to get an 18 year old to budget when they are surrounded by wealth and not limited by regular constraints. They have no debt, they're not paying for college, they're not paying for cars.

[Dave Ramsey]

Who's 18 year old?

[Caller]

My 18 year old.

[John Delony]

You just. So you put some givens in there of which you control all of them.

[Caller]

I don't. The in laws will give her money whenever she asks. The. She knows this. So she. And she's also. We homeschooled her and she was taught very good values about money and morals. But then in high school, we allowed her to go into a high school brick and mortar where people will drive a different car to school every day just to show off their wealth. And that's what she's been surrounded by for four years. And so she does not. She thinks everybody should get their own car. She thinks everybody. No 18 year old needs to budget and she's off to college next year. And we're trying to.

[Dave Ramsey]

Who pays for college?

[Caller]

Well, her father will pay for it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Her father married to you?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. So we will pay for her college.

[Caller]

Yes. Okay. And yeah. So we can't really say if you don't do this, then we won't pay for college because she knows that. She knows he will pay for the college.

[Dave Ramsey]

Oh, how are. You don't have a daughter problem, you have a husband problem?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm. Yeah, yeah.

[John Delony]

But so let me put it this way. She's acting like an 18 year old and I wouldn't begrudge her a second because she's acting exactly developmentally appropriate. Dave just nailed it.

[Dave Ramsey]

You have a husband problem and it's his parents that are the twerps. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. So he needs to tell his mom and dad, stop it. You're screwing up my kid and he needs to stop screwing up his kid.

[Caller]

Yeah, I think so.

[Dave Ramsey]

No, you don't.

[John Delony]

Yeah. Why are you hesitant?

[Caller]

I do. Well, because I've been against it for many years, asking to limit the money and to allow me to know what money is going to her so that we can at least put it in account. And we know what money is flowing to her, so we know what money is coming out, how she's spending it. We can discuss with her her decisions.

[Dave Ramsey]

And your husband will not participate with you in parenting?

[Caller]

No, he thinks that, oh, you know, she's old enough, you have to give her, you know, she's 18. She's an adult. You have to let her make her mistakes and, and not with my money, I don't. Right.

[John Delony]

Let me just say this.

[Dave Ramsey]

After working, she's doing heroin. Let's make sure we fund that.

[John Delony]

Yeah. Let me tell you, after working with 18 year olds for two decades plus an UN. A never ending checking account is a recipe for a disaster. I'm just telling you right now. Prep yourself, be prepared to wake up at 2am with a phone call from a dean of students at some college because it's coming well.

[Caller]

And that's how I was raised. I did not have an. I was poor. Okay. So I'm not from this. And I tell that to my husband, he says, well, I had never ending checking account until I got, you know, out of law school and then I started paying for my own stuff and I turned out just fine.

[Dave Ramsey]

So I would question that conclusion.

[John Delony]

Exactly. Yes. And maybe. And I don't think being poor is the answer either. I think that educational message only thing I can tell you to do in this situation, obviously your husband doesn't care what you think. And so you've got a marriage challenge. And the only thing I can possibly see here is you take your daughter out and start right now and start a weekly we're going to breakfast, just mom and daughter until she graduates and leaves your house. And it's not going to be a. You have to, you have to. It's you transitioning to. I'm going to tell you some things about when I was 18 year old that your dad was an 18 year old woman like I was. I'm going to tell you about stuff. I'm going to tell you about boys. I'm going to tell you about dating. I'm going to tell you about how hard it is. I'm going to tell you the scary moments. And all you're doing is planting seeds so that when she gets over her head at 19 she will remember I can trust my mom. That's your best case here. I cannot stress to you enough what, what a tough situation this young woman is about to enter into.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John Delony]

And I don't want to gender it, but I would even suggest that she will have a tougher time than he did.

[Caller]

Oh, I know she will. 100%. Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

Well. And here's the thing in that regard.

[John Delony]

This gets me fired up, Dave. Makes me so mad, man.

[Dave Ramsey]

Here's the problem, okay? Who's going to want to marry this girl? I'm not signing up for this. Nobody with common sense is going to look at Princess girl and say she's never known a single boundary. And anytime she smiles, she's supposed to be handed money. This is a disaster of a wife.

[Caller]

Yeah, but she'll be married and she'll end up getting divorced when they find out who she really is. And she's a very good little actress.

[John Delony]

Good God Almighty.

[Dave Ramsey]

Wow. Wow, you feel so powerless. Yeah, you're just. What? You feel like you're fatalistic, like you're just watching this car wreck happen and have nothing to do to stop it. I got to tell you, if I'm you, I'm in marriage counselor's office real soon. Yeah, because your husband is a twerp and what he's doing to you is unconscionable. And. And what he's doing, allowing it to happen to her while you stand by and watch and go, well, she'll just go through a divorce. Well, she'll just. Now, instead, you go to the breakfast as John's talking about. You insert yourself into her life and you insert yourself into this marriage crisis that you have very proactively, or you stand back and be fatalistic about that, too. And. Well, it's just the way it is. His parents did that, and I can't do anything with him. Well, then we can't help you because the answer to your question that you called about is proactivity, and it's going.

[John Delony]

Down kicking and screaming. Yeah, that's it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Proactivity.

[John Delony]

You're not taking my daughter from me.

[Dave Ramsey]

I'm throwing a duck fit.

[John Delony]

Sheesh. Dave, I. Man, I can't tell you the number of students that just. I sat with it. They didn't understand dignity. But they don't know.

[Dave Ramsey]

People don't. People that don't have a boundary and personal self discipline.

[John Delony]

No, they've been. Yeah, they've been stolen from.

[Dave Ramsey]

Have dignity.

[John Delony]

They don't. They don't understand self respect because no one's ever given them. A lot of them to have it. That's right.

[Dave Ramsey]

It's a sponge with no brains.

[John Delony]

There is no consequence. Well, I'll just go to another college. I'll just get a new car. I'll just get another apartment. I'll get another house.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah.

[John Delony]

And it's just not how the world works. Yeah, I hate it, man. I hate this for you.

[Dave Ramsey]

It's awful.

[Caller]

Horrible.

[Dave Ramsey]

But here's the thing. You can't fix her. You can only put some things in place that make her struggle. And I'll say this, Dave, I. I heard this.

[John Delony]

This is about six months ago. And it rang true with me. It was a guy on a stage and it was just a clip, but he said, I don't want to hear another conversation about quote unquote, these kids these days, kids have never changed. It's the adults that have. The adults are the ones that are letting these kids just run amok and saying it's for their good. And it's just simply not. She's that kid's acting 18. Zach 10:18.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. Rachel said when we started on this student loan stuff many years ago when we were doing that documentary Borrowed Future, we don't have a student loan crisis, we have a parenting crisis.

[John Delony]

Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Dave Ramsey]

Stand around watching your kid completely bury themselves in student loans to get a degree in left handed puppetry. That's a parenting problem. That's not a student loan problem.

[John Delony]

Oh, man, I would go down kicking and screaming on this one. Heather. That's my. That's my baby girl, man.

[Dave Ramsey]

Or just screaming and kicking.

[John Delony]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

All right, I want to settle a couple of scores here. Okay. Oh, number one, a lot of the time when I'm doing a VIP thing with our customers that have become baby steps millionaires, like when we were on the Ramsey cruise has happened a lot. And we're doing a Q and A, it often comes up, okay, I've built wealth and I'm concerned I'm going to ruin my children. And let me assure you that you building wealth will not ruin your children. It will expose the fact that you already ruined them or not.

[John Delony]

Correct?

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. So the wealth doesn't do. The wealth is not the problem. The problem is the parenting. And so because I meet lots of wealthy families who have extremely functional, high achieving, high relational iq, children that do very, very well as adults, the money did not ruin their children because their children were not ruined. And so what the money does is it puts extra pressure on you as a parent to make sure you're doing your job of growing character, self discipline, kindness, compassion, contentment, gratitude. Not entitlement, hard work, not. I was born on third base and thought I hit a triple. No, the opposite of that. And so the Ramsey kids, they had it tough growing up. Not because we didn't have any money, but because we had money. Cause old Dave is not gonna let this crap happen. And so, you know, you be working, you be a Ramsey kid. I mean, we're sending you the freakin salt mines. I mean, it's ridiculous. They'll tell you story after story after story of crap we made them do for money because we wanted them to associate hard work and calluses and sweat on your brow with money. And then when they get to college, I have an unlimited budget. They don't. So one of my kids, when we got a new car one time, we got an upgrade car. And it's the first time we'd gotten a decent car in a long time. Cause we were kind of coming up through the stuff, right? And he leaned. Daniel leans back in the back seat and says, we're doing pretty good. So we aren't doing anything. You're broke. I'm doing pretty good. You get to ride in my car. That's how this works, buddy. And so we don't get to have. And you don't get to. I'm not buying you a car when you turn 16 either. I will match it. We had 401, Dave, and we matched it. Whatever you save, I'll put with it. So if you save nothing, I hope you enjoy your bicycle because you get nothing, honey. Nothing. And we did this all the way up through their growing up year. So when they go to college, they had a set budget per month of cash that I put into their account. If they wanted more than that, you know where they got it working.

[John Delony]

Right.

[Dave Ramsey]

None of them died, and none of them are in counseling for that, to my knowledge.

[John Delony]

They're in counseling for other things, but not that. Not that. Let's just double click on the exposure this happened in. In my house. Hank, my oldest, he's 15. He grew up in the Tale of Two Cities. And to this day, he will still pull me aside in a restaurant and say, hey, dad. And he's very respectful about it. Hey, I'm. I'm still hungry. Can I get another taco? And I'll be like, buddy, yes, of course, man. And my wife backed into our car several months ago and just get out of the driveway because I'm a terrible Parker. It was my fault.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, right.

[John Delony]

And Josephine, my 9 year old, said, well, looks like we got to go get a new one. And I looked at her and said, that's not how that works. Right, But. But what I realized is my son cleans horse stalls, and my daughter's growing up in a different world than my son did. And so my wife and I was. It was a good moment. We got to be extra intentional now. Yeah, right. It just. It just. The tide went out.

[Dave Ramsey]

Create teachable moments that create grit.

[John Delony]

That's it.

[Dave Ramsey]

That create contentment, that create gratitude. And then the money is just a sidebar issue. But this unlimited is not good. For any human at any age. Just ask Congress. I mean, there's no off spigot, right? I mean, I had a pug dog that did not have an off button for food. And so if we kept the food out and it free ranged, the dog would get, it would be like a complete sphere. It would be so fat that it rolled instead of walked. And we were killing our dog, right? So we had to take up the food. And we're like, no, just goes down to lake house chasing jet skis and you run your fat off in the summer doesn't mean that you get to get fat every winter. So now we're going to cut the food off because we're killing you, the animal that we love, with an unlimited supply. Hello. There we go. And so this is. But, but never fear parents, that you are ruining your children by becoming financially successful yourself. You can have $500 million and not ruin your children. You can have $5 and ruin your children because it hasn't got anything to do with the money. The money's not the variable, right? And it's just a reflection of all the other crap that's going on, the dysfunction that's going on or isn't going on, and in the family. And so wealth just magnifies. That's all it does. It makes you more of what you are. And so if you're a grouch, you become super grouchy. If you're kind, you become super kind. If you have a temper, you become a rageaholic. And it's don't you know who I am? That kind of junk, right? And anybody that gets in your way, you know, that's ridiculous.

[John Delony]

It's ridiculous.

[Dave Ramsey]

Ridiculous. And so that's what wealth does to people, all of us. And so if you're a giver, it turns you into a philanthropist. Wealth magnifies whatever's going on, good or bad, in the family dysfunction or function and in the individual. And so please enjoy your financial success with no fear of the money having ruined your child.

[John Delony]

It's just about communicating this, how blessed we are. And this blessing comes at a cost. This is how hard we have to work. And this is what reality looks like. And by the way, you can tell your kids how hard we're working, that you, they have to experience that they've got to experience hard work. Even if you can afford to have a professional do it, even if it's a pain in the butt and you don't want to go up and down the stairs and check their room seven times. That's part of parenting. Whether, whether you have no money or a ton of money. There's just some basic things that kids need to experience. And calling out that last caller, Dave, being poor isn't the solution either, right? I wouldn't wish that on anybody. You can look at any health and relationship metrics. That's not the solution either. The solution is to continue to focus on those lessons like you just mentioned, whether you have little, whether you got a lot, man. And you cannot. Don't steal from your kids. You said to us, caller, if you just give an unlimited amount of money to a teenager, you're robbing them of their own dignity, of their own ability to stand up on their own two feet. It's criminal. And often it is parents propping themselves up. Look at what I can do for my kid instead of let me teach my kid to stand up, stand up tall. And it's just, it's, it's. I don't say it's abusive, but it's really close, man.

[Dave Ramsey]

So our kids attend a school like hers. That kid attended a high school in this area. Well, Williamson county, the county that we're in, is the wealthiest county in Tennessee. It's the 11th wealthiest county in the United States. It's full of country music people, tech people, hospital executives, that healthcare boom in Nashville. And there's some extreme wealth in this county. And there's lots of these kids that people give a 15 year old a brand new BMW, which is the definition of stupid, by the way, because they're gonna hit it like 30 minutes after you give it to them against a tree or their friend's car. So you might as well not tear up a good car while you're learning to drive. Okay? So anyway, this is the environment that our kids are in. And our net worth and income is likely higher than most of those people that are doing that. And our kids are driving cars way substandard of that because they could only buy a car with the money they had saved, plus what we doubled. And so it wasn't the fanciest car.

[John Delony]

But can I say, my son's 15, he's heading into that season. The temptation is on me.

[Dave Ramsey]

Oh yeah.

[John Delony]

Cuz I want to just go get him a really cool, nice thing. And we look at trucks, now we're driving, we come to stop lights, we're like, man, that, look at that. And I wanted to be able to just go write a check for it and get it for him. And, and I have to know I'm stealing from him if I do that?

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, cuz he's got. You know. Most especially guys are the worst. We get great pride out of our first car story. Yes.

[John Delony]

88 Tercel Easy hatchback. My buddy's called it the roller skate. I look like Fred Flintstone.

[Dave Ramsey]

74 Monte Carlo Land yacht.

[John Delony]

Dude, I could start mine with a rope.

[Dave Ramsey]

Dave paid cash for it with or paid for it with a loan and a down payment I got from cutting grass and painting houses.

[John Delony]

Mine went me, me, me, me.

[Dave Ramsey]

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