"This Is Very Very Very Unhealthy"

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights – "This Is Very Very Very Unhealthy"

Episode Information

• Title: This Is Very Very Very Unhealthy
• Host: Ramsey Network (Dave Ramsey)
• Release Date: April 29, 2025

Overview In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, host Dave Ramsey addresses a heartfelt and complex financial dilemma presented by a caller named Ashley. The discussion delves into the intersection of relationships, legal settlements, and financial planning, highlighting the importance of marital status in managing substantial financial gains and safeguarding familial interests.

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Caller’s Situation: A Legal Settlement and Relationship Strain

Ashley initiates the conversation by sharing her recent traumatic experience and subsequent legal settlement:

• Loss and Settlement: Approximately two years prior, Ashley experienced a tragic loss of her baby due to medical malpractice and negligence. She is in the final stages of closing a lawsuit settlement, amounting to just over half a million dollars after legal fees.

  "[00:06] Ashley: So about two years ago, I lost the baby due to malpractice male negligence. And so I'm coming up on closing on the lawsuit, the settlement, and for the amount, it was 850, but I had to pay the lawyer. So I come up about a little over a half a million dollars."

• Relationship Dynamics: Ashley has been in a ten-year relationship with her partner, with whom she shares three children. They are not legally married, a factor that complicates their financial and familial arrangements.

  "[01:15] Ashley: I'm not sure. That's another problem that we're having."

• Differing Financial Priorities: A significant conflict arises from their differing approaches to the settlement money. Ashley aims to invest the funds for long-term security for their children and retirement, while her partner desires to spend the money immediately. Additionally, legal complexities regarding the allocation of a portion of the settlement to their son's estate further strain their relationship.

  "[00:48] Dave Ramsey: Let me make sure I understood what you said. You have three children with him."

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Dave Ramsey’s Analysis: Marital Status and Financial Health

Dave Ramsey listens attentively to Ashley’s predicament, identifying key issues that intertwine financial decisions with relational health.

• Impact of Not Being Married: Ramsey underscores the complications that arise from not being legally married, especially when significant financial assets are involved. He emphasizes that marital status plays a crucial role in equitable financial distribution and legal protections.

  "[02:09] Dave Ramsey: It’s very simple. And so I don't know how to coach you on this because I would never tell you to be where you are. I would tell you to fix this immediately..."

• Relationship Toxicity Revealed by Money: Ramsey introduces the idea that substantial money can exacerbate pre-existing issues within a relationship, revealing its true nature. He suggests that the current financial strain is a manifestation of deeper relational problems.

  "[03:01] Dave Ramsey: This is revealing to me some of the struggles in our relationship, that you think it's tit for tat..."

• Protecting Ashley’s Interests: Emphasizing the need for Ashley to prioritize her and her children’s financial security, Ramsey advises her to assert control over the settlement funds. He suggests that without legal marriage, Ashley retains rightful ownership of the settlement, advocating for her to channel the funds towards her children’s future and personal advancements, such as completing nursing school.

  "[04:02] Dave Ramsey: So you have a half million dollars. I think you can finish nursing school. So. And take care of your children."

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Advice and Recommendations: Steps Towards Financial and Relational Stability

Ramsey provides actionable advice aimed at resolving both the financial and relational turmoil Ashley faces:

1. Legal Clarification: Ramsey advises Ashley to seek additional legal counsel to clarify the rightful allocation of the settlement funds, especially concerning her son's estate.

   "[06:31] Dave Ramsey: The one that passed away?"

2. Marriage Consideration: He strongly recommends that Ashley and her partner consider legalizing their relationship through marriage to facilitate fair financial discussions and protect all parties involved.

   "[05:17] Dave Ramsey: If we're married, here's what we would talk about doing with the money."

3. Marriage Counseling: To address the underlying relationship issues, Ramsey suggests engaging a marriage counselor. This step aims to improve communication and align their financial goals collaboratively.

   "[05:42] Dave Ramsey: So we're going to sit down with a good marriage counselor and talk about how our relationship can be made better and how we get married."

4. Protective Measures: Ramsey emphasizes the importance of safeguarding Ashley’s interests by ensuring that any financial arrangement does not leave her vulnerable to potential manipulative behaviors from her partner.

   "[06:18] Caller: Do you know what I mean? Like."

5. Personal Empowerment: He encourages Ashley to recognize her own worth and the legitimacy of her financial rights, reinforcing that she should not succumb to guilt or manipulative tactics to relinquish control over her settlement funds.

   "[05:25] Dave Ramsey: There is not a scenario where we're not married and you get any of this."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• On Relationship Health:

  "[03:23] Dave Ramsey: This is not a healthy relationship. Would you agree?"
  "[03:29] Ashley: I would agree. Yeah."

• On Money's Role in Relationships:

  "[04:02] Dave Ramsey: More money does not make people go bad. It reveals when they're bad."

• On Legal Protections:

  "[06:33] Dave Ramsey: Your son's estate has to be managed for the heirs of your son, which would be his siblings, not his father."

• On Financial Priorities:

  "[05:17] Dave Ramsey: I think you can finish nursing school. So. And take care of your children."

• On Personal Agency:

  "[07:10] Dave Ramsey: Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life."

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Conclusion: The Path Forward

In "This Is Very Very Very Unhealthy," Dave Ramsey navigates Ashley through a labyrinth of emotional and financial challenges. His guidance centers on the imperative of legal marriage for financial clarity and security, the importance of addressing and rectifying relational dysfunctions, and the strategic management of substantial financial settlements for long-term stability. Ramsey’s empathetic yet firm approach underscores the necessity of aligning financial decisions with personal and familial well-being, advocating for proactive measures to prevent financial disputes from undermining the foundational relationships within a family.

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Final Thoughts

This episode serves as a potent reminder of how intertwined financial decisions are with personal relationships and legal statuses. For listeners facing similar dilemmas, Ramsey offers not just financial advice but a broader perspective on ensuring that financial gains contribute positively to life’s foundational aspects rather than becoming sources of conflict and instability.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Ashley]

So about two years ago, I lost the baby due to malpractice male negligence. And so I'm coming up on closing on the lawsuit, the settlement, and for the amount, it was 850, but I had to pay the lawyer. So I come up about a little over a half a million dollars. And with my spouse, we are not married, but I have been with him. He's wanting majority of it, but we have two different mindsets of how we are going to invest it. Whereas I want to invest it long term for our three children and for like retirement purposes and things like that, where he's wanting to spend a lot of it now. And we have to come up with a solution because some of it will go into our son's estate. So I'm just wondering, and what do you think would be a fair amount to settle that or if you had any insight on that?

[Dave Ramsey]

Let me make sure I understood what you said. You have three children with him.

[Ashley]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

On earth.

[Ashley]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

And one that didn't make it correct. Okay. And so how long have you two been together?

[Ashley]

Ten years.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. And so it complicates things severely that you're not married. Why are you not married?

[Ashley]

I'm not sure. That's another problem that we're having.

[Dave Ramsey]

You've been together how long?

[Ashley]

10 years.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's a long problem.

[Ashley]

Yes. That is.

[Caller]

Is it very long? Is it you pausing this or him?

[Ashley]

No, it's more him. He pretty much says, like, we already are married, just not like in the books type of deal like he does. He's really a good provider for me. I'm able to go to school for my nursing and things like that. So he's saying, like, because he provides daily, that majority of that should go to him. But I also suffered damages to my personal body during that time of losing the baby.

[Caller]

Yeah. Oh, 100, Ashley. Oh, yeah. I'm like, just.

[Dave Ramsey]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You've been through this horrible. Well, you. This argument and this confusion is brought on by the fact that you're not married.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Dave Ramsey]

It's very simple. And so I don't know how to coach you on this because I would never tell you to be where you are.

[Ashley]

Correct.

[Dave Ramsey]

I would tell you to fix this immediately and say, okay. In other words, if we want to talk about what we're going to do with my $500,000, because I think it's yours. I don't think it's got his name on it.

[Ashley]

It's right. Yeah, it is mine. But.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay, if we're going to talk about what I'm going to do with my $500,000, I have three children to watch after, and I don't have a husband.

[Ashley]

Right, Correct.

[Dave Ramsey]

So I think before we talk about that, we're going to talk about being married. Now, once we're married, if we were married, we could say, okay, if we're married, here's what we would talk about doing with the money. But no, I'm not giving this to a guy who can just leave.

[Ashley]

Okay. Okay.

[Caller]

He doesn't deserve it because he goes to work.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

Yeah. That was like another guilt. Like, guilt tripping me into. Give me this. Because I do this. Which.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Which is a scorekeeping thing and very, very, very unhealthy.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Caller]

That. That makes me so mad. Ashley.

[Ashley]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

This is not.

[Caller]

And the fact is, I want to marry you.

[Ashley]

All of it.

[Dave Ramsey]

You're not in a. It's not a healthy relationship. Would you agree?

[Ashley]

I would agree. Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. So let's do some. Let's talk about doing something, but set the money. Okay, here's the interesting thing. Let me help you with it. This just occurred to me. I was talking to a group of people this morning, a group of leaders, and I told them something that we've used for many, many years around here. And I've observed it, and this is an example. More money does not make people go bad. It reveals when they're bad. Okay, so, like, you know, money destroyed my children. No, you had crummy children.

[Caller]

Or you were.

[Dave Ramsey]

You're a crummy parent, and you made crummy children, and so you gave them money, and now you've got a reality show on your hands. You know, and so what's happening here is your relationship was, you know, it was toxic, and there were problems in it. And this big chunk of money is revealing it. It's magnifying it. And that's really good news for you and your boyfriend and your children. You have the opportunity to make this family whole and correct for the first time, or leave. Yeah.

[Ashley]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. So you have a half million dollars. I think you can finish nursing school. So. And take care of your children. And so for. I think. I'm not trying to throw him out. You got 10 years invested in three kids in this. So let's approach it, trying to save it.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

Sorry. I like it. No, you're mad at him. I don't disagree with you, but I'm just saying. Okay, so here's his options. If you're my daughter and you came to me, here's what I would tell you to go say to the young man. I now have a half a million dollars. It is not yours.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

And this is revealing to me some of the struggles in our relationship, that you think it's tit for tat. That I. You work and give money. So I have to do this, and I do this, so you have to do that. And that's not how a good relationship works. So we need to sit down with a good marriage counselor and talk about how our relationship can be made better and how we get married.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

And in the process of talking about that, this is you talking to him. In the process of talking about that, honey, we'll discuss when we're married what we will do with our half million dollars. There is not a scenario where we're not married and you get any of this.

[Ashley]

Okay? Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

Now see what happens.

[Caller]

And make sure, though, again, Ashley, I'm protecting you in this. That he doesn't turn on some weird, manipulative switch suddenly and be like, well, that's my ticket into some of this money if I just marry her. I don't know.

[Ashley]

Like.

[Caller]

Do you know what I mean? Like.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, but I'm putting him with a therapist.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Ashley]

This all came about because the lawyer said he has a right because some of it goes into our son's estate. So that's what the lawyer put in his mind. That's which son?

[Dave Ramsey]

The one that passed away?

[Ashley]

Yes. Correct.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay. No, he doesn't have. He does not have a right. You're. To your son's estate. Your son's estate has to be managed for the heirs of your son, which would be his siblings, not his father.

[Ashley]

Okay. Yep. Yep. Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

And so I think you may need some more legal advice, too.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

But, yeah, I think this is exposing what was weak, and this is your opportunity to make some decisions. If you give him a big chunk of this money out of this, I predict this is going to go sideways for you.

[Ashley]

Yes, I agree.

[Dave Ramsey]

And I don't think it's healthy. And I'm not being mad at him. He just thinks he's. He thinks he's got this figured out. I don't like him, but I'm not mad at him. I don't think people ought to behave the way he's behaving, but I'm not mad at it. I think he's just being who he is. And I'm afraid this whole situation may have revealed that you may end up giving him $100,000 check because of the estate issue to go away, but he goes away, then I'm not giving him this money and control of it, and he stays in my house because I think it's revealed what's going on here. And you really need to look at this. It's not working. Ladies and gentlemen, the data on shacking up is. Is in, and it's not good. This is the Ramsey Show. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.