Took A Pay Cut To Keep My Family Together Now My Partner Won’t Move

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights Episode: Took A Pay Cut To Keep My Family Together Now My Partner Won’t Move
Host/Author: Ramsey Network
Release Date: December 11, 2024

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, the Ramsey Network delves into the complex interplay between financial decisions and relationship dynamics. Titled "Took A Pay Cut To Keep My Family Together Now My Partner Won’t Move," the episode explores the struggles of maintaining familial bonds amidst financial strain.

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Client’s Dilemma: Sacrificing Income for Family Unity

Client (A):
“I uprooted my family and moved. Ended up taking about a 65% pay cut. And now everything's just starting to pile up and pile up, and I want to know if it makes me a deadbeat father if I move back to my old job, where I'm making north of 150k versus south of 50k, just to keep all the bills paid and food in the fridge.”
[00:02]

The client shares his tough decision to relocate his family, resulting in a significant reduction in income. Initially motivated by the desire to "keep the family together" and be "closer to my partner's family," he now faces mounting financial pressures that jeopardize his family's stability.

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Motivation Behind the Move

Client (A):
“Just to keep the family together, be a little bit closer to my partner's family. They're super close, but...”
[00:41]

The move was driven by the intent to strengthen family ties and ensure familial support. However, this noble intention has led to unforeseen financial challenges, highlighting the delicate balance between personal values and economic realities.

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Financial Strain and Relationship Tensions

Host (B):
“What was the reason for you to uproot them and take this pay cut? There was clearly a big enough reason that you guys decided to do this.”
[00:33]

The hosts probe deeper into the client's situation, uncovering the strain caused by the drastic pay cut. The client acknowledges that sustaining their current lifestyle with a significantly reduced income is untenable, leading to heightened stress and tension within the household.

Client (A):
“Exactly.”
[01:00]

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Challenges of Geographical Separation

Client (A):
“It's 3,000 miles. And I was told if I go back, I'm going back by myself.”
[01:15]

The vast distance from his previous job—3,000 miles—complicates the possibility of returning to his former high-paying position. The ultimatum to return alone underscores the isolation and lack of mutual support in addressing their financial woes.

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Partner’s Perception and Financial Awareness

Client (A):
“In reality, I think she's just ignoring the issue.”
[01:56]

There’s a clear disconnect between the client and his partner regarding financial transparency and problem-solving. The partner's decision to take a different job with fewer hours exacerbates the financial imbalance, as she remains "blind" to the severity of their economic predicament.

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Separate Financial Management and Its Implications

Host (B):
“Are you legally married or just cohabitating?”
[02:21]

The couple operates under a common-law arrangement with separate bank accounts, each managing different aspects of household finances. This segregation hampers effective financial management and collective responsibility, further intensifying the financial strain.

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Underlying Relationship Issues Beyond Finances

Host (C):
“It sounds more like a relationship issue. Jeremy, it sounds like you guys just aren't doing well as a couple in general. I don't know if money's the main issue. I think it's become a symptom of it.”
[02:55]

The conversation shifts to the broader relationship dynamics, suggesting that financial troubles are symptomatic of deeper relational disconnects. Poor communication and misaligned goals contribute significantly to the ongoing challenges.

Client (A):
“It's, it's getting there, that's for sure.”
[03:18]

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Strategic Financial Advice from the Hosts

Host (B):
“You need to come to Jesus conversation where you go, listen, you're clearly not doing well financially. I'm not doing well financially. This family's not doing well financially and life is too short to live with this kind of stress.”
[03:38]

The hosts advocate for an honest and comprehensive financial discussion between the partners. They emphasize the necessity of joint budgeting, combining finances, and making mutual sacrifices to alleviate financial burdens.

Host (C):
“We cannot live your life on two separate pages financially, because what that is, it's an indicator of how your relationship is in general.”
[06:07]

Further, they highlight the importance of unified financial strategies as a reflection of the overall health of the relationship. Without addressing financial collaboration, the relationship risks deterioration.

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Possible Solutions and Next Steps

1. Joint Financial Planning:

   • Host (B): Suggests laying out finances together to understand the monetary hole and devising a plan to bridge it. This may include finding higher-paying jobs, increasing work hours, or combining bank accounts.

2. Career Adjustments:

   • Client (A): Considering advancing within his current construction company, aiming for a supervisory role to increase income. However, this path may take up to a year and a half.

3. Asset Liquidation:

   • Host (B): Recommends considering selling assets, such as a car that's currently "upside down by about 15k," to free up finances.

4. Enhanced Employment Efforts:

   • Client (A): Questions the reliability of his partner’s employment commitment, noting her sporadic attendance at work despite the high demand in healthcare.

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Emphasizing Relationship and Financial Synergy

Host (C):
“You both have to come to that understanding. And if she is so in the clouds in that, then she may not be a great partner long term because she's probably in the clouds on everything else.”
[06:07]

The hosts underscore the critical need for both partners to be aligned financially and emotionally. They caution against the long-term viability of the relationship if financial cooperation remains absent.

Client (A):
“Well, she's made that very clear.”
[04:57]

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Conclusion: The Path Forward

The episode concludes with a strong emphasis on the necessity of open communication, shared financial responsibilities, and mutual support within the relationship. The hosts encourage the client to take proactive steps in financial planning and to address underlying relationship issues to ensure both the family’s financial stability and relational health.

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Key Takeaways:

• Open Communication: Transparent discussions about finances are essential for resolving conflicts and aligning goals.
• Joint Financial Management: Combining finances can lead to more effective budgeting and resource allocation.
• Balancing Personal Values and Economics: Striking a balance between maintaining family bonds and ensuring financial stability is crucial.
• Relationship Health: Financial cooperation reflects and impacts the overall health of the relationship.

Notable Quotes:

• “Are you legally married or just cohabitating?” [02:21]
• “You need to come to Jesus conversation where you go, listen, you're clearly not doing well financially.” [03:38]
• “We cannot live your life on two separate pages financially, because what that is, it's an indicator of how your relationship is in general.” [06:07]

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For those facing similar challenges, this episode offers valuable insights into balancing financial decisions with relationship dynamics, emphasizing the importance of teamwork and mutual understanding in overcoming adversity.

Transcript

[A]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. I uprooted my family and moved. Ended up taking about a 65% pay cut. And now everything's just starting to pile up and pile up, and I want to know if it makes me a deadbeat father if I move back to my old job, where I'm making north of 150k versus south of 50k, just to keep all the. All the bills paid and food in the fridge.

[B]

What was the reason for you to uproot them and take this pay cut? There was clearly a big enough reason that you guys decided to do this.

[A]

Just to keep the family together, be a little bit closer to my partner's family. They're. They're super close, but.

[B]

Okay. And now you're realizing we can't sustain this financially with our lifestyle, our bills, and our much lower income. This is stressful for us, even though we're closer to family.

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

Are you in a. When you moved away, how far away are you from where you guys moved? Because when you said to go back to my job, does that mean move again to go back to the old job? Or you could do something different with where you guys live now.

[A]

It's 3,000 miles. And I was told if I go back, I'm going back by myself.

[B]

Whoa. Like an ultimatum?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Does she understand what's going on financially at all? How is she feeling? Is she stressed about it?

[A]

She knows that it's not. Well, but she's kind of blind to it, and she just took a different job to work less hours, too, which isn't helping anything.

[C]

Okay, when you say she's blind to it, does that mean that she doesn't have all the information or. She has all the information, but the way she's processing it is not correct.

[A]

In reality, I think she's just ignoring the issue.

[C]

Okay. How much are you guys in the whole. A month financially, with. After everything's paid, how much. How much more do you need?

[A]

I don't know. She doesn't tell me what. What her expenses are.

[B]

Okay, so you guys don't have any finances combined?

[A]

No.

[B]

Are you. Are you legally married or just cohabitating?

[A]

Just. We're common law, and we got two little ones.

[B]

Okay. And bank accounts are separate. Do you guys venmo each other for the mortgage? How does this work?

[A]

I take care of the mortgage in one vehicle, and she does the rest.

[B]

Okay. And she's not feeling the stress of this financially, just you?

[A]

No, she. She is, too, because apparently she hasn't been able to to make her minimums either.

[C]

Okay, so it's sounding more like a relationship issue. Jeremy, it sounds like you guys just aren't doing well as a couple in general. I don't know if money's the main issue. I think it's become a symptom of it. But you guys, it doesn't sound like you guys communicate well or have the same goals or do this life together very well. It seems very separate even from an emotional standpoint. Is that right?

[A]

It's, it's getting there, that's for sure.

[B]

Well, it sounds like you went along with this to appease her, to be closer to family, knowing full well you guys were going to be in the hole financially. And I don't know if you didn't make that clear or if she just was blind to it as you said and just going, I don't care, we're making this move, we'll figure it out.

[A]

Pretty much.

[B]

Well there, I don't know who your God is, but you need to come to Jesus conversation where you go, listen, you're clearly not doing well financially. I'm not doing well financially. This family's not doing well financially and life is too short to live with this kind of stress. So if we're going to stay here, we have to make it work. And here's what that's going to take. And that's when we lay out the finances together, get on a budget together and figure out what the hole is and how we're getting out of it. And that might mean you need to find a higher paying job. She needs to work more hours. We need to combine bank accounts. That might be some of the step, the next steps you take.

[A]

Okay, and if that doesn't work, like should I jump back out to my old jobs just so that I know that my kids are fed?

[B]

I mean that's the noble thing to do. I don't think it helps your marriage at all or with this common law situation you have going on. So you're going to grow further apart while keeping the kids fed. And so I'd rather can you keep.

[C]

The kids fed though where you guys are, to be able to work on the relationship and get a higher paying.

[B]

Job where you are or can you sell the car and make other sacrifices to cover your four walls? For now.

[A]

The car is upside down by about 15.

[B]

Do you know what she makes at all?

[A]

She's supposed to make 85 a year, but she has a habit of not going to, to work.

[B]

Wouldn't you get Fired if I don't show up to work enough, Dave says, all right, we're going to find someone else who can actually do this job.

[A]

Well, she works in healthcare, so they're, they're begging for people to, to work there.

[B]

And what do you do?

[A]

I'm in the construction.

[B]

Okay. What were you doing before when you were making six figures?

[A]

I was, I was working in a. In a mining industry.

[B]

And that industry obviously doesn't exist where you're at?

[A]

No.

[B]

Is there an equivalent or is there a better construction job up. Up the ladder that you can aim toward?

[A]

I've progressed up the. Up the ladder in my company a little bit already. And the next step would be to become a supervisor, but that's at least a year and a half out because I've asked my boss for more hours and if he would be able to give me, give me a wage increase, and he just said that I'm not there yet.

[C]

Okay. So, Jeremy, I think what it comes down to is you guys aren't paying your bills. I mean, what's happening financially? There's an issue. So the adult thing is that you both sit down together and say, here's what it takes to run our household and we have to make X amount every month for this to happen. And we don't get to decide that. We don't feel like doing that. That has to happen. So either we're cutting our freaking lifestyle and taking everything off the table and doing nothing in order to feed the kids, or we're going to have to decide different jobs. We're going to have to choose to move back. Like, we don't get to just sit and not make money and not pay our bills like that. Like, we can't do that. So that's not an option. We're adults and this is part of life. And so that's one thing. But the other thing I'm very concerned about, Jeremy, is the relationship. I mean, I mean, it just. It sounds bizarre to me that she's so in the clouds that she wants nothing to do with you financially. Then she's made that very clear. My question is why? Because long term, this is not a sustained relationship. You cannot live your life on two separate pages financially, because what that is, it's an indicator of how your relationship is in general. And you guys are going to just keep moving further and further apart. And you guys have two kids together, so it's worth the fight. But you first, from a tactical standpoint, have to get enough money in to pay the bills. And you both have to come to that understanding. And if she is so in the clouds in that, then she may not be a great partner long term because she's probably in the clouds on everything else. So there has to be some big decisions that are going to be really difficult. But you both have to step up as adults and decide to face it together.

[A]

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