We Need To Tell Our 21-Year-Old To Start Contributing

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We Need To Tell Our 21-Year-Old To Start Contributing"

Podcast: The Ramsey Show Highlights
Host: Ramsey Network (Dave Ramsey, George Kamel)
Date: November 25, 2025
Duration: ~8 minutes (main content)

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a call from Ashley, a concerned mother wrestling with when and how to require her 21-year-old daughter, who owns a horse, to start contributing financially—especially since the daughter has a history of depression and self-harm. The discussion explores the balance between sensitivity to mental health, establishing independence, and gradually introducing financial responsibility for young adults.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Ashley’s Dilemma: Parenting with Compassion and Boundaries

• Ashley describes her 21-year-old daughter who’s been passionate about horses since age six. The family pays about $400/month for horse boarding, in addition to covering other expenses (insurance, car, gas).

• The daughter has a significant mental health history, including severe depression and self-harm at age 15–16. She’s now in therapy and doing better, but the family is cautious in their approach.

  Ashley (01:11): "We kind of almost walk on eggshells. … We don’t want to be so mean and tell her, ‘Hey, you need to kind of start contributing now.’"

2. The Value of Gradual Independence

• Dave Ramsey and George Kamel emphasize that helping a young adult become independent is a form of love, not harshness.

  George (02:27): "Helping her become an adult is not being mean. I think it’s actually the most loving thing you can do because it’s going to give her self confidence, dignity, and a reason to wake up in the morning and be productive."

• They validate Ashley’s understandable caution, given the family’s trauma, but stress that growing autonomy is ultimately healthy.

3. Introducing Financial Responsibility: The Right Approach

• Dave suggests the conversation be framed around the parents’ choices and gradual changes, not abrupt demands.

  Dave Ramsey (03:48): "Don’t make it about her. Say, 'We really love you … but part of becoming independent means you need to learn how to handle money and contribute on your own. … We’re not going to throw you in the deep end.'"

• George recommends mapping out a slow, structured process—possibly with a year-long plan toward greater independence, such as budgeting, finding more income, and setting a future goal (eventually moving out).

  George (04:18): "Talking to her of, ‘Hey, I’m sorry that we have failed you in how to set up your life as an adult.’ ... Maybe over the next six months, we want to start working with you. … From November to November, what does that look like?"

4. Fairness with Siblings

• Ashley brings up her 17-year-old son, who is more responsible and also receiving some financial help. She questions how to be fair.

  Ashley (05:45): "He wanted this winter baseball thing … and I feel we have to give it to him because we’re giving your sister $400 a month for her horse."

• George suggests avoiding strict tit-for-tat fairness but recommends both kids get experience with budgeting and accounts.

  George (06:06): "He needs a student checking account … He needs to start budgeting his life."

5. The Horse and Long-Term Planning

• Dave and George probe what happens if the parents stop subsidizing horse expenses. Ashley clarifies her daughter owns the horse and works at the barn, but her income from this is minimal.

• George bluntly highlights the impracticality of the current arrangement as a lifelong plan.

  George (07:30): "Her life can’t be that forever…At some point, she’s going to have to say, ‘Wow, that makes me really sad. I can’t be where all my friends are. I’m going to have to get a job.’"

• Dave stresses that the daughter needs to either work full time to cover her life/horse expenses or pursue education leading to a sustainable career.

  Dave Ramsey (07:48): "She needs a full time job that can support all of the expenses in her life. … There’s only two types of horse people: broke horse people and super wealthy people. And she’s about to be a broke horse person for the rest of her life if we don’t change this ASAP."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• George Kamel (02:29): "We’re created to work and to make and be part of society…that avenue is the best thing for her. It’s a loving thing. It’s not a mean thing."
• Dave Ramsey (03:55): "We’re not going to say you need to pay all these expenses tomorrow, but you need to start taking on more responsibility so that you’re not 30 years old and still not sure how to live as an adult."
• Dave Ramsey (07:53): "There’s only two types of horse people: broke horse people and super wealthy people. And she’s about to be a broke horse person for the rest of her life if we don’t change this."

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Important Timestamps

• 00:10–01:11: Ashley shares her daughter’s background, mental health journey, and current dependencies.
• 02:16–03:41: Dave and George discuss the importance of balancing sensitivity with teaching independence.
• 03:48–04:18: Conversation scripting: How parents can approach the transition without blame.
• 05:45–06:29: Addressing fairness with her son and practical financial skills.
• 07:06–07:53: Long-term realities of horse ownership; the need for sustainable financial planning.

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Tone and Style

The discussion is warm, gentle, and validating—acknowledging the complexities of Ashley’s situation, especially the mental health context—while still providing direct, practical advice. Both Dave and George balance empathy with pragmatic encouragement to help young adults grow up responsibly.

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Takeaway

Transitioning a young adult towards independence after a challenging period requires both compassion and a steady introduction of responsibilities—gradually, with supportive conversations, and clear end goals. Teaching financial life skills is an act of love, setting children up for confidence and capability in adulthood.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

If your private student loans are in default, you're not out of options. Go to yrefi.com Ramsey I have a.

[Ashley]

Daughter that just turned 21 and she has a horse. And we. Her parents pay the 400amonth in boarding for gas.

[Dave Ramsey]

Tell me more.

[George]

George. George. And horses are not a good. Yeah, yeah, okay. Keep going, Ashley. I'm just preparing your heart.

[Ashley]

This is her life. She's been riding horses since she's been six years old. And we pay for her insurance, her gas, for her car, everything. And we're kind of wondering not to be so mean and tell her, hey, you need to kind of start contributing now. The backstory about this is we don't want to be too hard on her because a couple years ago she went through depression. Pardon me. I'm going to start crying. Start cutting. Self cutting, self harming.

[Dave Ramsey]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ashley]

Was very, very depressed. Yeah.

[George]

So you want to be sensitive.

[Ashley]

Literally. Literally. Yeah. Literally had a plan for suicide. So this horse.

[George]

I'm so sorry.

[Dave Ramsey]

Did she get some help?

[Ashley]

The. Yeah, she's. She's in therapy now. She has a pet in probably two years. It was one of those when she was like 15 through 16, just trying to find out who she was and confused. And so we. We kind of almost walk on eggshells.

[George]

Yeah. You have PTSD around it, probably. I mean, you know, as a parent, you're just like, I don't want to.

[Ashley]

Do anything we don't want. Right, right, Exactly. Yeah. So we don't. We can afford paying for her horse every month. But I just tell you, my husband, she just got a second job. She could be making a lot.

[Dave Ramsey]

Did she go to school? What happened after high school for her?

[Ashley]

She does not go to college. She basically helps give lessons at the barn with the main trainer.

[George]

How much does she make?

[Ashley]

We never. She doesn't make a lot. I don't know, a couple hundred dollars a month. And then she just got a job, a second job.

[George]

Okay.

[Ashley]

And now she should be bringing home close thousand a month. So we really feel like she should. Yeah, I mean, well, what I'm trying.

[Dave Ramsey]

To think of, like five years from now, are we still doing this? Is she still making a thousand dollars a month at 25 years old living with mom and dad? Because otherwise we need a totally different plan.

[George]

Well, we just need a trajectory. And it can be baby steps, Ashley. Cause I totally get your caution around it because of your history and what you guys walk through as a family. Like, that's. That's horrible. It's every parent's worst nightmare, right, of, of something like that happening. So, so, so I can totally understand that. But I also think it's two different things. I think helping her become an adult is not being mean. I think it's actually the most loving thing you can do because it actually is gonna give her self confidence, it's gonna give her some dignity. It's gonna give her a reason to wake up in the morning and be productive. And like, these things are good for all of us. Right? We were created to work and to make and to be part of society. And so how that looks and how that plays out over time, you know, we can talk about. But, but that in general, that principle, that's not harmful to her. If anything, that's actually a gift. And again, if you do it in the right way, right. We wanna be cautious in the sense of like, how you handle it with her. And I totally understand that. But that avenue is the best thing for her in general as an adult. So just hear that. That's a loving thing. That's not a mean thing.

[Ashley]

How do you, how do you approach going about it? Considering we feel like she's been spoiled her whole life? You know, I would start with even.

[Dave Ramsey]

With you guys, don't make it about her. Say, Say, hey, we, we really love you. And part of that love has caused maybe some enabling. We've covered your expenses. We wanted to give you a great life. But part of becoming independent means you need to learn how to handle money and contribute on your own. And we're not going to throw you in the deep end. We're not going to say you need to pay all of these expenses tomorrow, but you need to start taking on more responsibility so that you're not 30 years old, still not unsure how to live as an adult. Cause that's unfair to her.

[George]

Yeah, I like that approach, Ashley. I mean, honestly, taking accountability for your actions. Because as the parents, y' all chose this. You know what I mean? Like, this is what you guys implemented. And so I think on that end, talking to her of, hey, I'm sorry that we have failed you in a sense of how to set up your life as an adult. And again, she's 21, so I think there's a lot of grace here. She's not 31. Right. I mean, like, you guys have not screwed up as parents by, by any means, but I think it is a, hey, we want in the next season, maybe over the next six months, we want to start working with you on finding some more income, finding a schedule that, that, you know, is sufficient as an adult, you know, an 8 to whatever it looks like. And then the money you're bringing in, we want to write down a budget and have some things that you're gonna start contributing. And again, that can be slowly over time, every two months or something, you know, you add something else in or whatever that looks like and then eventually a plan. Ashley. And again, I'm not in a rush with this. I don't know, George may be more urgent than I am, you know, but where you guys feel comfortable as a family to say, okay, our goal is by next July you rent an apartment and we will be with you, you know, every step of the way in these transitions. But starting to make a year plan, I think is really great. From November to November. What does that look like from a.

[Ashley]

She has a 17 year old brother and now he's kind of, he, he's a little bit more responsible than her. But for instance, he wanted this winter baseball thing and it was 150 and I feel we have to give it to him because look, we're, we're doing. You're giving Your, your sister 400amonth for her horse. So, yeah, we have to say yes to you now for certain things too.

[George]

I wouldn't, I wouldn't do the quick, I wouldn't do the, the tit for tat thing, but I think brother is 17, so he needs a student checking account with a debit card and you guys can put a certain amount of money in that account and he needs to start budgeting his life and that. He needs to start.

[Ashley]

He does.

[George]

Okay, perfect. That's great. That's a great start.

[Dave Ramsey]

Does he have a part time job?

[George]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

Yes, he does. He's a very hard, they're both very.

[George]

Very hard workers, it sounds like. I think, I think we just need to. Yeah, I would just kind of up a little bit of the pressure of, okay, let's find two things that you're going to start paying for because we want her to start experiencing real life and it can still be under your roof for a period of time, which again is a soft place to land, which is great. But when she starts to learn these things, then when she goes out on her own, she, it's part of who she is. She knows how to do it. Right. That's equipping her really well.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Dave Ramsey]

How does the horse situation work? If you guys stop making these payments, what happens? Are you leasing the horse from someone else?

[Ashley]

No, she bought it. She actually watched mama give birth to her the people at the barn and her.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's a bonding experience right there.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay, so the expenses for the horse just to keep the horse in good shape is 400 bucks.

[Ashley]

Well, it's at the barn. All her friends are at the barn. And that's, that's boarding. Boarding speed. I mean she works there too.

[George]

They should give her a discount.

[Ashley]

Her life.

[George]

They should give her a discount is that discount. But her life can't be that forever, Ashley. You know what I'm saying? Some. At some point she's going to have to say, wow, that makes me really sad. I can't be where all my friends are. I'm gonna have to go get a job. Right? Like eventually. That's what's gonna.

[Ashley]

She does. She just got another job.

[Dave Ramsey]

Well, she needs a full time job that can support all of the expenses in her life. That's where we need to get to.

[George]

That's the goal. That's the goal.

[Dave Ramsey]

Otherwise she needs to go to school and pursue something that can actually pay the bills. So that's the hard truth that you're going to have to unravel with her over the next several months. But this idea that we're just going to work part time at the. At the barn, not making enough to even cover the expenses for our horse is not a winning plan. There's only two types of horse people. Broke horse people and super wealthy people. And she's about to be a broke horse person for the rest of her life if we don't change the asap. Why refi refinances defaulted private student loans for struggling borrowers. Learn more at Y r e f y.com Ramsey.