We Use My Dad As A Bank And Owe Him $71,000

Summary

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Episode Overview

Title: "We Use My Dad As A Bank And Owe Him $71,000"
Podcast: The Ramsey Show Highlights
Release Date: December 13, 2025
Theme:
This episode features a caller grappling with the complicated dynamics of owing a large sum to their father—who simultaneously provides annual cash gifts while expecting repayment (plus surprise interest) on an old down payment loan. Dave Ramsey and co-hosts unpack the emotional, relational, and financial hazards of “family banking,” offering advice on boundaries, communication, and setting clear expectations with loved ones about money.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Caller’s Dilemma: Family as Bank

• Background:
  • Five years ago, caller received $60,000 from her dad for a down payment, supported by a “gift letter” (for legal purposes), but with a verbal agreement to repay or deduct from inheritance.
  • Every year, the father gives sizable gifts ($10,000 this year), which can be taken as cash or applied as loan repayment.
  • Recently, the father expressed that he now expects the loan to be repaid with interest, totaling $71,000. The caller was not aware of any interest previously.
• Family Dynamics:
  • This approach is common with all siblings; all children apparently “use dad as a bank,” but precise terms and tracking are vague.

2. Hidden Pitfalls: Gifts, Loans, and Expectations

• Lack of Clarity:
  • No written contract specifying loan terms or interest rate.
  • Changes in expectations (gift vs. loan, interest applied retroactively) create emotional and relational tension.
• Verbal Agreements vs. Written Contracts:
  • "Is this written anywhere? This was just a verbal. Hey, you. And he expects that to hold up?" (A, 01:32)
  • Hosts stress the importance of having terms in writing to avoid misunderstandings.

3. Emotional and Moral Conflict

• Controlling Dynamics:
  • Host questions if the father's method of giving/loaning money is a form of control.
  • Caller views father’s monetary gifts as a primary way he shows love.
• Relational Consequences:
  • “Your relationship with your father is destroyed and apparently interest is accruing.” (C, 03:47)
  • Ongoing debt strains family holidays and undermines trust.
• Ethical Ambiguity:
  • Hosts acknowledge that repayment is a moral question, especially given the surprise interest and shifting terms.
  • "If it was a loan and you knew it was a loan, you have to pay it back. Now, the interest part, I don't really like that he added that and you didn't know about it." (C, 05:17)
  • They advise clarifying, in writing, that the debt will be settled via inheritance if that’s the chosen path.

4. The Dangers of Mixing Family and Finance

• Ramsey's Rule:
  • Don’t loan family money; give if you wish, and do so with no strings attached.
  • “This is why we tell people, don’t loan your family money ever. If you want to gift it, gift it and do it joyfully and don’t expect it back. But this whole, like… you can see how messy this stuff can get.” (A, 06:28)
• Cycle of Obligation:
  • Sibling “loans,” unpredictable annual gifts, and compounding interest deepen entanglement.
  • Suggests possible unconscious attempts by the father to maintain control or connection via money.
    • “It almost feels like anything else is an attempt to kind of try to control them from beyond.” (C, 07:57)
    • Discusses “spidey web” effect—maintaining attachments through debts (A & C, 08:30-08:42).

5. Concrete Advice to Caller

• Set Boundaries:
  • Don’t take more money from dad, to avoid deepening the obligations.
• Clear Communication:
  • Call, don’t email—make the conversation personal, not transactional (A, 04:59).
  • Insist on written, mutually agreed resolution (especially if inheritance offset is chosen) to close the loop on the liability.
• Big-Picture Guidance:
  • Prioritize the health of the relationship over the money.
  • Hosts share personal perspectives as parents; urge listeners to show love and support without monetary entanglements.
  • “If you love them and you want this to be a gift, let it be a gift. And if you’re not comfortable with that, don’t loan the money.” (A, 07:32)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Surprise Interest:
  • "Did you know the loan had interest?" (C, 01:28)
  • "No." (B, 01:31)
• On Family Dynamics:
  • “This whole thing just feels toxic. Is your dad controlling?” (A, 01:42)
  • "It's really more of a moral question. That's why I called." (B, 05:07)
• Dave Ramsey’s Governance:
  • “Don’t loan your family money ever. If you want to gift it, gift it and do it joyfully and don’t expect it back.” (A, 06:28)
  • “Because this is looming in his mind. Every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, when he’s about to gift you more money, he’s going, yeah, but should I. She owes me money and hasn’t paid me a dime back.” (A, 06:47)
• On Parental Motivation:
  • “It almost feels like anything else is an attempt to kind of try to control them from beyond.” (C, 07:57)
  • "Cast your Spidey web on them so you have a little bit of connection there... it's still something that ties me to them that they can't get away from.” (A, 08:30–08:32)
• Reflection on Love and Money:
  • "I just hope my kids know I love them more than... Well, they show their love through money giving or loaning. I just... I want them to know that's the last thing on the list." (A, 08:48)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|--------------------------------------------------| | 00:06 | Caller begins explaining the loan/gift dilemma | | 01:12 | Explanation of annual gifts & loan repayment | | 01:32 | Surprise discovery: interest added to loan | | 02:22 | Caller’s view: dad shows love through money | | 03:03 | Hosts urge caller to resolve or escape the loan | | 04:10 | Discussion about inheritance vs. cash repayment | | 05:07 | Caller: “It’s really more of a moral question.” | | 06:00 | Advice: get terms in writing, clarify with father | | 06:28 | Ramsey on "never loan family money" | | 07:32 | Hosts reflect on relationship, control, and love | | 08:30 | "Spidey web" metaphor for parental control | | 08:48 | Ramsey’s personal reflection (love > money) |

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Episode Takeaways

• Clear, written agreements are essential—even (especially) with family.
• Gifting and loaning money within a family can irreparably complicate relationships.
• Communication needs to be personal, honest, and upfront—not just transactional.
• Resolving ambiguous debts—especially with clear terms about inheritance—is crucial for both financial and relational peace.
• Ultimately, love and family connection should not be entangled with financial IOUs.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Five years ago, my father gave me $60,000 for a down payment on a house. And he wrote a gift letter so that I believe legally, I don't have to pay back that 60,000, but verbally, he asked me to either pay it back over the years or have it taken out of my inheritance. And every year, my father gives a gift to his children, to four children, in cash. And we can either take the cash or have it, you know, given back as part of loan repayments because we all use my dad as a bank in some way or another. And this year, my father very generously wants to give us 10,000, which is a huge amount. And he wrote me an email saying I could take the 10,000 in cash, but he really wants me to start paying back the loan with interest. It's now 71, 000. I didn't know there was. Interesting. I know. So wait a short term, he gives.

[C]

He gives $10,000 every year, but that part is the gift.

[B]

It could be a thousand. It's like his Christmas present.

[C]

Got you.

[A]

And he decides each year, this. This year, it's a big one. It's 10,000. And he's saying he's going to withhold that because you haven't paid back his loan, slash, gift plus interest.

[B]

I could take the cash if I want, but he encourages me to start repaying the loan.

[C]

Did you know the loan had interest?

[B]

No.

[A]

Is this written anywhere? This was just a verbal. Hey, you. And he expects that to hold up?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Goodness.

[A]

This whole thing just feels toxic. Is your dad controlling?

[D]

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[A]

Ramsey, is your dad controlling?

[B]

Not really. He shows love, I would say, by giving money. You know, that's his connection to his children.

[A]

But he gives it, and then he's. Is he gonna come back around and say, hey, I gave you 10,000 for Christmas? I expect that back at some point.

[C]

Yeah. Why was the 60,000 suddenly alone when everything else is a gift? Is that him trying to build some sort of responsibility into You. What's the meaning of that?

[B]

I'm not sure. I'm. I know he's done it for all of his other children. He helps them buy houses, but I don't know the details of their financial situations, like how much he gave to each of them and who's paid it back and who hasn't.

[C]

Well, I. If I were in your shoes, I'd be trying to get out of this loan as fast as possible because I don't like the way it feels.

[A]

What'd you use the 60 grand on?

[B]

A down payment for a house.

[A]

Okay. And you're living in that house now?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

With. Is it just you or do you. Are you married?

[B]

I just got married a few months ago.

[C]

Okay. What's your husband saying about this? Does he know?

[B]

He does know. I did talk about it with him and he said, don't put it in writing. Don't respond to the email saying that I acknowledge the. That there is a loan and just to wait it out and see what happens with. In inheritance, whenever that might be. Who knows if it's five years, 10 years, 30 years.

[A]

Yeah. But in the meantime, your relationship with.

[C]

Your father is destroyed and apparently interest is accruing.

[A]

Yeah. I did the math for you. It's about 3.4% compound interest.

[C]

Did he give you the option for it to be taken out of your inheritance? Did he give you that option?

[B]

Not in this recent email. That's just one. What I remember him saying, you know, five years ago, I do that.

[C]

I'd say, yeah, dad, if you want to take it out of my inheritance, that's good. And I'd get that in writing so that it's. You're free and clear, because that's money that you don't have yet. It's not affecting your life today. So, you know. Yeah, I do that.

[A]

Can you afford to pay him back the 60 grand in a reasonable amount of time?

[B]

No, I could. If he keeps giving me 10,000 a year. I could keep telling him, sure, put it back towards the loan and it would be paid back.

[A]

That's what I was going to say. Will he just apply the 10,000, say, hey, dad, just take that off my loan balance, which gets me to 61,000. Back to square one. He would do that?

[B]

Yes, I. I could do that.

[C]

That's going to take. It's going to take seven years.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

While interest accrues, it'll just keep climbing back up and then get knocked back down a little bit.

[C]

Ask him if he'll take it out of the Inheritance.

[A]

Can you, like, call him instead of like emailing, like a transactional bank? Just the whole thing feels odd to me.

[B]

It's really more of a moral question. That's why I called, because I just wasn't sure how to handle the situation. And really if I should even try to pay it back, I think back alone.

[C]

If it was a loan and you knew it was a loan, you have to pay it back. Now, the interest part, I don't really like that he added that and you didn't know about it. But I do think that if. If he has said, I can just take it out of your inheritance, I'd go that route. I just want it in writing so that this is over and done. The transactional part, I hate that it's like that. But we're here now, so you may as well cover your butt and get the fact that the whole loan is going to be free and clear covered in your inheritance.

[A]

Well, it's going to be hilarious. As part of the inheritance, he's going to go, well, it's now $150,000 balance on this fake loan, so that's how much I'm going to take out of your inheritance.

[B]

Well, that's what I worry about.

[C]

I'd want it at the present value, not at a later value.

[A]

At this point, I would say, hey, dad, we never did this in writing. We should have. That's both of our bad. We need something in writing to make this really clear of what your expectations are. Because I'm frustrated because you didn't explain any of this to me and Now I owe $11,000 more to bank of dad while he's trying to gift me other money. This whole thing is strange and I don't know if you can see it because of your relationship with him, but. But there's just something odd about all of this.

[C]

I don't think I'd take any more money.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And this is why we tell people, don't loan your family money ever. If you want to gift it, gift it and do it joyfully and don't expect it back. But this whole, like, it's a gift as far as the IRS is concerned, but it's a loan. Secretly and verbally, you can see how messy this stuff can get.

[B]

Yes, I appreciate that.

[A]

So morally, do I think you're a bad person if you don't pay it back and it gets taken out of the inheritance? No. But in the meantime, again, the relationship with your dad is gone as far as you know it. If this isn't Taken care of. Because this is looming in his mind. Every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, when he's about to gift you more money, he's going, yeah, but should I. She owes me money and hasn't paid me a dime back. So either get on a payment plan or decide it's going to be part of the inheritance at the current rate and just move on with your life. But I don't think we can stay at this status quo that we're in. Oh, man, that hurts my heart, Jade, because I just like, I'm trying to picture myself in that dad's shoes, giving or loaning my daughter, my grown daughter, money. And I just. I would hate.

[C]

For a relationship. It's power play.

[A]

Yeah. It just puts. It makes you the lender and, you know, the debtor. And I just think that makes an awkward relationship for someone that you raise that you love. If you love them and you want this to be a gift, let it be a gift. And if you're not comfortable with that, don't loan the money. Just say, hey, wish I could help. I can.

[C]

Right?

[A]

And don't co sign. Don't do any of that. But the middle ground is where things get messy when you want to help, but it's kind of alone.

[C]

Yeah. It's just give people money, especially your family. I'm thinking about my kids right now and I'm thinking, yeah, if the time came and Sam and I wanted to help them, we would just help them. And it almost feels like anything else is an attempt to kind of try to control them from beyond.

[A]

That's what I think. There's something more to this, and we couldn't pinpoint it.

[C]

I'm going to teach them responsibility, so I'm going to.

[A]

But I just wonder if he likes having a little bit of control. Because once kids are adults, they're kind of out of your control.

[C]

Yeah. So you have to do things to.

[A]

Get the Spidey web.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Cast your Spidey web on them so you have a little bit of connection there. Even if it's not a true, honest, authentic connection, it's still something that ties me to them that they can't get away from.

[C]

Sometimes parents do that, though. It's so subconscious. Like they don't really realize that that's the why behind what they're doing. Gotta be careful.

[A]

Yeah. I just hope my kids know I love them more than. Well, they show their love through money giving or loaning. I just. I want them to know that's the last thing on the list.

[C]

That's good, George.

[A]

So that's just one man's take as a dad of a young daughter. Take it with it. Take it with a grain of salt. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.