"You Need To Tell Your Husband About This Today"

Summary

Episode Overview

Theme:
In this episode titled "You Need To Tell Your Husband About This Today," Dave Ramsey and co-host Lauren respond to a listener's deeply personal question about concealing $25,000 in debt from her husband. The discussion covers honesty in marriage, the consequences of financial secrecy (financial infidelity), and strategies for healthier money conversations between spouses.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Listener’s Dilemma: Secret Debt in Marriage

• Caller Lauren: A woman in her 50s, married, has $25,000 in debt her husband doesn’t know about. She started a part-time job to pay it off but feels guilty about keeping it secret.
• Their finances are otherwise healthy: No mortgage, $1.5M in retirement, college savings set for kids, and household income of $175,000.

2. Financial Infidelity and Marriage Trust

• Dave’s Direct Advice:
  • "[...] yeah, I would come clean and tell him about the debt. Not only can you guys get this cleaned up together, but also carrying around a secret like that and functioning at that level in your marriage is going to erode not only your marriage, but also you." — Dave Ramsey [00:34]
  • Secrets in marriage lead to a loss of trust and integrity; hiding debt equals betrayal.
• Financial Infidelity:
  • Dave equates financial secrecy to relational infidelity in its damage:
    • "People that deal with financial infidelity and thankfully you guys have...the margin...but man, people that get stuck with this stuff, it does feel like a level of betrayal, sometimes at the same level as actual infidelity..." — Dave Ramsey [01:31]

3. Facing Consequences and Moving Forward

• Dave’s Tough Love:
  • "I kind of want your husband to be pissed because you lied to him. So I think that I like nice things. So I lied to you. I don’t think that’s okay." — Dave Ramsey [01:45]
  • The deception, not the money, is the main issue.
  • The process may require counseling to repair trust:
    • "It may put you on the marriage counselor’s office, which would be okay with me." — Dave Ramsey [02:19]

4. Budgeting for Personal Desires

• There’s room for both partners to have and enjoy nice things if it fits the family budget and is agreed upon:
  • "So, yeah, you and your husband need to sit down and have an adequate budget for you to buy some nice things." — Dave Ramsey [02:43]
  • Buying in secret (hiding shopping bags) is not maturity:
    • "Hide the target bags under the bed? That’s not funny. This is a grown woman, and you’re 50 freaking years old. It’s time to act like it." — Dave Ramsey [02:37]
• Managing personal spending together is a sign of respect and teamwork.

5. Emotional Triggers Behind Spending

• Lauren’s Insight:
  • "There’s stuff inside of you, Lauren, that’s coming out sideways in the form of money. For some people, it’s other things that they sit there and medicate with. But some people, it is. It’s the spending, it’s the money." — Lauren [03:01]
  • Examining underlying issues drives long-term change and strengthens relationships.

6. How Healthy Couples Handle Money

• Joint Decision-Making:
  • Dave shares personal experiences of budgeting for his wife’s wishes even if he doesn’t understand them:
    • "[...] my wife wants to do such and such in the redecorating, which is a constant budget line item. But at least we know what it is, and we’re doing it together." — Dave Ramsey [03:35]
• Being on the same page about money creates freedom and reduces secrets.

7. Possible Contributing Factors

• Lauren’s Perspective:
  • There might be issues in communication or in the husband’s approach:
    • "He could be kind of a jerk and like, shaming you over every purchase. You’re like, I don’t want to deal with that. I’ll just come over here and do my own thing, too. Right. Which is an issue, too." — Lauren [05:04]
• Both partners share responsibility for the relationship’s money culture.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• "You can’t carry that stuff. I mean, secrets is what erodes trust in a marriage." — Dave Ramsey [00:41]
• "People that get stuck with this stuff, it does feel like a level of betrayal, sometimes at the same level as actual infidelity going on in a marriage." — Dave Ramsey [01:34]
• "I kind of want your husband to be pissed because you lied to him. So I think that I like nice things. So I lied to you. I don’t think that’s okay." — Dave Ramsey [01:45]
• "This is a grown woman, and you’re 50 freaking years old. It’s time to act like it." — Dave Ramsey [02:37]
• "There’s stuff inside of you, Lauren, that’s coming out sideways in the form of money." — Lauren [03:01]
• "But we can be on the same page. And it’s a line item in our overall plan, and there’s room for it. And I think that’s the case here. There’s room for you to have some nice things... But not by hiding them." — Dave Ramsey [03:49]
• "It may take some time in a marriage counselor’s office, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t mind that for y’ all at all, because there’s a lot of stuff going on here that needs to be fixed." — Dave Ramsey [04:28]
• "But the way you’re handling money as a couple has partly led to this. Either you’re not speaking up or him putting his thumb on it or some of both somewhere in there." — Dave Ramsey [05:23]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:09] Lauren’s Story and Main Question
• [00:34] - [01:45] Dave’s Initial Reaction: Come Clean & Why
• [02:19] The Role of Financial Infidelity
• [02:37 - 03:01] Handling Consequences, Budgeting for Nice Things, Emotional Triggers
• [03:23 - 03:49] How Couples Can Budget Together for Personal Enjoyment
• [05:04 - 05:23] Examining the Couple’s Money Dynamics & Shared Responsibility

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Episode Takeaways

• Financial secrets erode trust — honesty is essential in marriage, even when the conversation is hard.
• The issue is not the spending or debt itself, but the deception.
• Personal spending can be safely accommodated within a family budget when both partners agree and communicate.
• Both partners play a role in creating (or preventing) an environment of financial honesty.
• Professional help like marriage counseling may be necessary to rebuild trust and address underlying issues.
• Healthy money management in marriage is about open dialogue, reasonable boundaries, and mutual respect.

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Overall Tone:
Candid, direct, encouraging self-reflection and honest communication, with both compassion and tough love from the hosts. This episode strongly emphasizes that true financial peace starts with honesty—especially with those closest to you.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Lauren]

woman in my 50s with $25,000 in debt that my husband doesn't know about. I started a part time job and I'm slowly paying it off. I grew up in a middle class family and my mother was always trying to save a dollar, which drove me crazy. My husband is a good man who makes about $175,000 a year. We don't have a mortgage and have about 1.5 million in retirement. We have a healthy retirement, investments and our parents have set up 529s for our children. So college is set. I like to buy nice things for myself, but I feel terrible about the way I've handled my finances. Should I continue to pay this off myself or come clean and tell him about the debt? Lauren? Well, to answer your question boy bluntly, yeah, I would come clean and tell him about the debt. Not only can you guys get this cleaned up together, but also carrying around a secret like that and functioning at that level in your marriage is going to erode not only your marriage, but also you. You can't carry that stuff. I mean, secrets is what erodes trust in a marriage. And so you carrying that is not being a person of integrity, being fully honest. And so that's going to be, that's gonna be a hard, a very hard conversation. You know, people that deal with financial infidelity and thankfully you guys have the sounds like the margin that you're gonna be able to take care of it. But man, people that get stuck with this stuff, it does feel like a level of betrayal, sometimes at the same level as actual infidelity going on in a marriage. So I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. Lauren.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, I kind of want your husband to be pissed because you lied to him. So I think that I like nice things. So I lied to you. I don't think that's okay.

[Lauren]

No, it's not.

[Dave Ramsey]

And it's not okay. And I think you expect him to be pissed and he should be. Not because of the money, but because of the deception and the lying. And that's some serious stuff in your relationship. So yeah, you need to come clean yesterday, deal with whatever the consequences are. It may put you on the marriage counselor's office, which would be okay with me then. The second thing is that you can afford nice things. Yeah, but you can't afford to do it under the table. Hide the target bags under the bed? That's not funny. This is a grown woman, and you're 50 freaking years old. It's time to act like it. So, yeah, you and your husband need to sit down and have an adequate budget for you to buy some nice things. And part of it was you grew up in a tight household where they didn't have any money. And so your husband makes $175,000 a year. You want to have a nice dress, that's okay. I want 14 nice dresses. No. Then that's. Something wrong with you.

[Lauren]

Well, that's what I was going to say at that point. Yes. Where she is. I'm like, there's stuff inside of you, Lauren, that's coming out sideways in the form of money. For some people, it's other things that they sit there and medicate with. But some people, it is. It's the spending, it's the money. And so figuring out what that is for you, for yourself to get healthy is going to be a gift later on to your marriage.

[Dave Ramsey]

So we can afford to do a lot of things that we choose not to do, because in our minds, they're ridiculous. But Sharon and I choose to do that together. And then there's some things that we choose to do that other people think are ridiculous. I don't care what they think. It's not their money. And so we just buy that because we want to and we have the money. Shut up. And so you can do that, but you're in agreement on that amount. And so my wife wants to do such and such in the redecorating, which is a constant budget line item. But at least we know what it is, and we're doing it together, and it's a reasonable percentage of our world, and it doesn't mess up everything else. And she gets to enjoy that thing that I don't even understand. And so that's okay. I can do that as a husband, she can do that as a wife. But we can be on the same page. And it's a line item in our overall plan, and there's room for it. And I think that's the case here. There's room for you to have some nice things and. But. But not by hiding them. So, yeah, you need to come clean today. You need to expect him to be not about the money, but about the lying for him to be really pissed. I don't know of anybody that wouldn't be. And so, you know, and you've broken trust, and it may take a little while to rebuild that trust, and it may take some time in a marriage counselor's office, and that's okay. I wouldn't mind that for y' all at all, because there's a lot of stuff going on here that needs to be fixed, but. Yeah, but the way you all have been handling money as a couple has not allowed you the freedom to speak up and say, I want to buy something.

[Lauren]

Yeah. And it's either that you have an issue, Lauren, that you have to live below your means, and you don't like that. And so you go off and do whatever you want and go charge it on credit cards. That's your issue. But then on the flip side, he could be kind of a jerk and, like, shaming you over every purchase. You're like, I don't want to deal with that. I'll just come over here and do my own thing, too. Right. Which is an issue, too. So.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. But the way you're handling money as a couple has partly led to this. Either you're not speaking up or him putting his thumb on it or some of both somewhere in there. Why Refi Refinances Defaulted private student loans for struggling borrowers. Learn more at yrefy. Com Ramsey.