‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’ With Bill Simmons, Zach Lowe, and Craig Horlbeck

Summary

The Rewatchables Podcast: ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’

With Bill Simmons, Zach Lowe, and Craig Horlbeck
Air Date: February 10, 2026

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Main Theme / Purpose of the Episode

This episode delves into the enduring cult classic status of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994), Jim Carrey’s breakout film, and a movie that redefined absurdist comedy for a generation. Hosts Bill Simmons, Zach Lowe (making his Rewatchables debut), and Craig Horlbeck break down why this movie means so much to them, how it shaped the landscape of '90s comedy, its problematic elements, and what holds up (or doesn't) three decades later.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Jim Carrey’s Breakout Year and Impact

• Carrey’s Risk and Commitment:

  • Carrey was paid only $350K for Ace Ventura, his first lead role, after years of near-misses in comedy. He simultaneously released The Mask and Dumb and Dumber in 1994, making him the second-highest box office star that year.
  • “He was like, ‘This is either going to be something that people really went for or it was going to completely ruin me.’” – Craig Horlbeck [09:34]

• Unparalleled Physical Comedy:

  • Carrey’s physicality is unmatched. Simmons recalls seeing him do impressions in the ‘80s—“...his face is made of rubber and the commitment to the bit is just something that has completely aged out and nobody does what he's doing anymore.” – Craig [03:44]
  • The hosts agree: no one else could have pulled off Ace Ventura’s blend of wild energy and weirdness.

• Comedy in the 1990s vs Now:

  • The film typifies a unique era—“...you just wind him up and watch him go. I don't even know if the movie's good. But you just sit back and you watch Jim Carrey do this.” – Craig [03:44]
  • The group laments that studios no longer let singular comic voices “cook” as they did with Carrey, Sandler, Farley, etc.
  • “I don't feel like it happens anymore where somebody is just kind of famous and funny enough to get a movie greenlit like this... It's kind of gone.” – Bill [12:10]

Formative Legacy and Generational Divide

• Ace Ventura is a “formative” movie for millennials and late Gen-Xers, but doesn’t translate well to new generations:
  • “If you saw it between 10 and 18, it's with you for life. But you can't bring anyone into it now.” – Craig [10:24]
  • Simmons describes showing it to his 18-year-old son: “He was like, ‘This movie’s terrible...but Jim Carrey is hilarious, okay?’” [10:37]

The Movie’s Problematic Content

• The team addresses the infamous transphobic twist and how it was a reflection of mid-90s pop culture (especially its parody of The Crying Game).
  • “The trans stuff in this movie is tough 30 plus years later. Not going to defend it.” – Bill [66:43]
  • They choose not to seriously dwell, recognizing the need to contextualize and move on.

Comedy and Moviegoing, Then and Now

• The 90s was a golden era for comedies—funny movies did well at the box office, and seeing them in theaters, surrounded by laughter, intensified the experience.
• Now, comedies are relegated to streaming. “People just want to hit home runs and not doubles...Comedies now live on streaming services and it stinks.” – Craig [14:08]
• Discussion of why horror works in theaters and comedy does not (“...people think, oh, I can laugh at home, what's the difference?” – Craig [15:31])

The Plot, Its Structural Weirdness, and Sports Parodies

• The movie's plot—a pet detective tracking a missing dolphin and a long-lost, vengeful kicker—has “two great ideas” for a dumb comedy.

  • “I think the plot's kind of amazing.” – Bill [35:25]

• Ace Ventura became surprisingly influential for how sports comedies parody real franchises and sporting disasters.

  • “Laces out makes me laugh. It’s just aged the best in general.” – Bill [55:17]
  • Parodying real-life events like the Scott Norwood missed field goal.

• Dan Marino’s cameo is analyzed (“I think it's the fourth best athlete playing himself, cameo of all time.” – Bill [76:44]), and how odd it was for him and Don Shula to participate in such a risky comedy.

Jim Carrey’s Physicality, Improv, and Unrepeatable Energy

• Several scenes are cited as masterclasses in physical comedy, including Carrey’s myriad ridiculous walks, the opening package scene, and his meticulously improvised “ass-talking.”
  • “You just have to have a screw loose in a good way.” – Bill [25:18]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments with Timestamps

• On Carrey’s Energy:
  “He’s a hyper goon who likes to screw his mouth into strange shapes while playing variations on the language. You know what? That’s all correct.” – Craig (paraphrasing Roger Ebert), [37:41]
• On Ace Ventura's Generation Gap:
  “I can't even imagine him tolerating this movie at that age for five minutes. He wouldn't even, not only would he have not tolerated it, he would have not tolerated it being on in our house.” – Zach Lowe [10:05]
• On Physical Comedy:
  “Watching him do what he does, that's so hard to do...to make yourself sound like you're speaking backwards. It's incredible.” – Craig [49:15]
• On Why the Film Works:
  “Every once in a while we bring you in as a host and it's a big day. Zach Lowe’s first Rewatchables ever.” – Bill [01:43]
  “[Jim Carrey] was like, this is my one chance. I'm fucking making this happen.” – Bill [05:03]
• Defending Carrey’s Oscar-worthiness:
  “You want to talk about a singular performance, something that is irreplaceable, that you cannot have anybody slot in and do—find me a role that somebody else could do.” – Craig [74:40]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:27]: Why Ace Ventura? Zach discusses its importance to his comedic sensibilities.
• [08:06]: The explosion of Carrey’s career in 1994 and its significance.
• [10:24]: On why Ace Ventura works only if you saw it young.
• [19:57]: Comparing ‘90s comedy eras—Apatow, Farrell, Carrey.
• [25:08]: Jim Carrey’s creative process; conversations around his inspiration for Ace (a smart bird/parrot).
• [35:23]: The surprisingly smart plot and sports parody elements.
• [43:06]: Most rewatchable scenes (Star Trek pool scene, mansion party, Ace’s apartment with the pets, etc.).
• [66:43]: Discussion of the transphobic storyline and why it was a product of its time.
• [74:40]: Craig’s “hottest take”—Jim Carrey should have been Oscar-nominated.
• [76:44]: Dan Marino’s cameo ranks high among athlete cameos.
• [81:17]: Best That Guy: Ace’s landlord is Hector Salamanca from Breaking Bad/Scarface.
• [101:06]: “Just one Oscar, who gets it?” Answer: Jim Carrey.

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Segment Highlights & Structure

Most Rewatchable Scenes (43:06 and following)

• Opening package delivery scene
• Ace’s pet-filled apartment
• The police station “I'd like to ask you a few questions” bit
• Mansion party (Mission: Impossible riff and absurd physical comedy)
• Pool/tank (Star Trek) scene—Zach’s favorite and the one he credits for “changing his sense of humor.” [43:10]

Cultural References and Millennial Misses (83:33)

• Craig lists a “Millennial Miss Reference Power Ranking”—all the jokes lost on kids who hadn’t seen Star Trek, Miami Vice, or The Crying Game.

Awards & Superlatives

• Best Chemistry? Zach calls out the unconvincing romance (Courtney Cox & Carrey), earning some debate. [57:01]
• Best/Worst Hang: Ray Finkel’s mother is cited as a scene-stealer; Ace himself is voted “worst hang,” too much in real life. [82:10, 94:50]
• Hans Gruber Villain Scale: Sean Young gets 3.5-4/10. [56:44]
• Dion Waiters (Biggest Heat Check): Consensus for Ray Finkel’s mom. [82:10]
• Most 1994 Thing: Isotoner gloves, Dan Marino’s celebrity, Cannibal Corpse cameo, and the notion of Dolphins contending for a Super Bowl. [52:16]
• Best Character Name: Ray Finkel, Roger Podaktor, Tom Ace [56:32]
• What’s Aged Best?: Courtney Cox, letting comedians “cook,” Miami setting, laces-out jokes, Carrey’s comic legacy. [54:08]
• What’s Aged the Worst?: The trans twist; “ass-talking” scene (Zach's least favorite) [66:43, 68:14]
• Weakest Link: Everyone wearing their AFC championship rings, Carrey-Cox chemistry, plot holes [60:11]

Unanswerable Questions

• What actually happened to the Dolphins in the Super Bowl?
• Did Dan Marino and the Dolphins win in the movie?
• What is Einhorn’s actual, plausible plan for revenge?
• Was the “laces out” meme pre-existing, or originated by the film?

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Podcast Language & Tone

• The hosts maintain an irreverent, nostalgic, deeply knowledgeable, and conversational tone, blending comedic riffs, sports analogies, and just the right amount of pop-culture snark.
• Bill Simmons consistently frames discussions with sports metaphors and historicity, while Zach Lowe provides outsider (“not my realm”) but insightful and often contrary takes, and Craig Horlbeck bridges the generational gap, championing millennial perspectives.

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Summary for New Listeners

If you missed Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, this podcast will ground you in why the film was a comedic earthquake for its time. The hosts explore 1994’s comedy “apex mountain,” Carrey’s lightning-in-a-bottle performance, how the film's blend of juvenile and adult humor created a generational cult hit, and why it can’t (and shouldn’t?) be made the same way today.
They also address the movie’s problematic finale, its surprising legacy as the source of “laces out,” and how Courtney Cox’s short run as “Clay Thompson-level hot” paved her way to Friends.
Zach Lowe’s debut is marked by skeptical analysis (he’s not buying Ace and Melissa’s chemistry!), and the usual, robust Rewatchables structure ensures all bases—from hilarious minor characters to half-assed internet research—are covered.

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Want more? The hosts tease the possibility of future episodes on forgotten '80s and '90s films (Eddie & the Cruisers, Revenge of the Nerds). Find this and over 300 other discussions on The Rewatchables via The Ringer.

Transcript

[Bill Simmons]

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[Bill Simmons]

The Rewatchable is brought to you by the Ringer Podcast Network where you can find the Ringer Fantasy Football show with Craig Horlbeck. You're also at the End of the Town with Matt Bellamy and you're on this podcast as well. You produce it. Every once in a while we bring you in as a host and it's a big day. Zach Lowe's first rewatchables ever.

[Zach Lowe]

What's happening Zach Lowe you can find.

[Bill Simmons]

On the Zach Lowe Podcast show show. We call it Zach Lowe Show.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Now you're calling it the Z Lowe Show.

[Zach Lowe]

It's just short for gotta save my characters on social media, you know.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Which is also by the way on Netflix.

[Zach Lowe]

It is.

[Bill Simmons]

And you're you do Mets Corners that they people know you for basketball and Mets corner. They don't know you for the movies. This is a lot of pressure for.

[Zach Lowe]

You it's good start. Now I got a lot of takes on pop culture that I've been waiting to unleash on various ringer shows.

[Bill Simmons]

Zach Lowe sends me a list of the movies he want to do. Some of them were not surprising. And then second at the top, Ace Ventura. And I was like, wow, I'm going to file that one away. Ace Ventura is next. Ace Ventura. Why.

[Zach Lowe]

Formative? I mean, I was I think 16 when it came out, maybe 15. Formative to my comedic sensibilities has some extremely problematic elements that 16 year old me was not prepared to grapple with at the time, but just I became a Jim Carrey superfan. I was already a Jim Carrey superfan from him. Living color. But this, it's just the weirdest, most. There's no way this movie should ever have been made. There's no way it should work. There's just no way it should even exist in the world. And it's awesome.

[Bill Simmons]

Craig, you're younger.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, I probably saw it when I was 9, 10 years old, I guess so in the early 2000s. But Carrie was right in that range with like Farley Sandler, Mike Myers as all these guys who just committed to the bit.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And they were, I mean, and Carrie in particular is like a human cartoon. I mean his face is made of rubber and the commitment to the bit is just something that has completely aged out and nobody does what he's doing anymore. You just wind him up and watch him go. I don't even know if the movie's good. But you just sit back and you watch Jim Carrey do this. And when you watch other things about him in the 90s and stuff like that, you realize that he's not really doing a character. Ace Ventura just is Jim Carrey. It's like stand up from him in the early 90s and, and he does, he walks out and he goes. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, My name is Jim Carrey and how are you this evening? All righty then. And that was him three years before. Like he just, he.

[Bill Simmons]

This is him like 10 years before. Can I give you my Jim Carrey? So Zach and I, we've had this burning bid. I don't know where it started. It started my column or did podcast we did about islands and stock and.

[Zach Lowe]

It started with Deion Waiters. I think Deion Waiters is ground zero for the island Slash island now.

[Bill Simmons]

So people always ask who are newer to the rewatchables, who's Deon Waiters? Because we have the Dion Waiters award for Biggest heat. Check. It started because Zach and I felt like we were the only two people that like Dion Waiters. And we started Waiters Island. It got to the point where I have a Waiter's Island T shirt.

[Zach Lowe]

So do I. It's red.

[Bill Simmons]

Somebody gave it to us.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, it's got, like, Gilligan's island font. They clearly ripped off the Gilligan's island font.

[Bill Simmons]

So when I was a kid in the 80s, I just would like people and would not understand why they didn't become more famous. And most of those people I knew from either Saturday live David Letterman show, or, like, weird HBO shows. I saw Jim Carrey. I'm not doing the. I saw. I claimed Jim Carrey. I just always liked Jim Carrey. Cause it started he did this Comedy Store anniversary show in 1983. You can find it on YouTube. 11th Annual Comedy Store show. And he came on. I didn't know who he was. And he just started doing impressions. And he did Leonid Brezhnev. He did Clint Eastwood. And it was just like, what is this guy doing? He just did a Leonid Brezhnev impersonating. He did all these things, but the best one he did was Michael Landon smiling. And he's like, here's an impression of Michael Landon smiling. And he turns away and he comes back and he just kind of does it. And I was just like, this is. Who is this guy? This is amazing. So then he was on Letterman a year later. Saw that too. He was in a movie called Once Bitten, which is a vampire movie with Lauren Hutton. And it was like, hey, it's the guy who did the Michael Landon smiling. I hope this is gonna work out for him. They didn't see him again for five years. Comes back in Love in Color, and he's the white guy. And then becomes the biggest star on that show. He's in comic relief a couple times, but it never really happens for him. And then they finally throw him a bone with this movie. And I think he was like, this is my one chance. I'm fucking making this happen. And it turns out he is one of the great. I mean, there's other stuff. He got rejected from SNL twice, Craig 1980 and 86. And the second time Lauren was doing the casting, it was the Dana Carvey, it was Phil Hartman, and he wanted to be on the show, and he got rejected.

[Zach Lowe]

And I'm pretty sure I've seen the audition tape from that, and it's legitimately very funny. It's one of those. Some of those you watch and you're like, yeah, he didn't bring the right stuff that day. I understand why they said no. That one. You're like, like, oh, that was like right in front of their face and they missed it.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Lauren was always like, weird about the. The mugging. He never really had like the mugging over the top characters. They're almost always better as the guest host.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, he's almost. Carrie's almost too big for snl. I wonder how he would have operated in like a normal sketch playing the boyfriend. If he could even do that.

[Bill Simmons]

He would have overpowered it. Well, the irony is, I think that, like the conversation of what was the greatest SNL ever. I actually think he hosted the best one ever. And I think the guest may have been. Or the musical guest was Soundgarden, I want to say. But he was on and it was Will Ferrell's first year and they just went Magic and Bird for like an.

[Zach Lowe]

Hour and a half. The hot tub. Lifeguard, Jacuzzi lifeguard. Just like swimmer.

[Bill Simmons]

You are too far away. Well, he also did the Night of the Roxbury sketch.

[Zach Lowe]

That's right.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[Bill Simmons]

And they did the those and that was like, had become a thing.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And even that movement is kind of Ace Ventura.

[Bill Simmons]

Right. And so he did it and his head is just going over here and there. Like he was just crazy. So anyway, the reason we bring all this up is because this guy goes from like, I like that guy. I wish. And then on limbling Caller, like, oh, I wonder if anything. And then all of a sudden, 1994 is one of the great years in.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The history movies, which he does what? He does this. The Mask and Dumb and Dumber all come out in the same year.

[Bill Simmons]

Ace ventura comes out February 17th. The mask comes out July July. Ace Ventura 17th worldwide. That year, the mask is ninth. Mask comes out and hits. Now everybody's like, Jim Carrey is now the future of comedy. Dumb and Dumber. December. That's the biggest one of all of them. Sixth.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And I believe the Farrelly brothers who did Dumb and Dumber cast him after seeing Ace Ventura.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Which happened in only like a 10.

[Bill Simmons]

11 month span from when they came out. He's still on In Living Color for half of the year because the show ends in May. So he has the three biggest comedy movies of the year and he's on the show that I think a lot of people loved and lasted four years. It really left. Cause Keenan Ivory Wayans left. He made almost 700 million in those three movies with the box office gross and he was the second highest grossing box office star in 1994. And at the start of the year was the white guy in Living Color. There's never been a year like that.

[Zach Lowe]

That I can remember in my half assed Internet research. I think it was a ringer story about it, but it was either ringer or vulture. He was paid less than half a million dollars for Ace Ventura. Like that.

[Bill Simmons]

I have it. 350 for Ace, 450 for Mask.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

7 million for Dumb and Dumber, 10 million for Ace 2, and then 20 million for the cable.

[Zach Lowe]

The one that broke Hollywood. Everyone was like, oh my God, this is not right. This guy makes faces and he's getting Tom Cruise money. What's going on?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Well, you almost kind of understand why he wasn't paid that much for Ace Ventura. Because the movie is a crazy risk. The character that he's playing and the script and what it is he even says in the research. Like when you listen to him talk about the movie and when they were making this movie, he was like, I knew this was either going to be something that people really went for, it was going to completely ruin me.

[Bill Simmons]

Right?

[Craig Horlbeck]

And you can kind of tell the production company who made this movie, Morgan Creek Productions, the CEO Jim Robinson said, he said, make a film that nobody my age gets. And wasn't this movie completely panned? Like Ebert and all these guys, the critics hated this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

People hated it.

[Zach Lowe]

I can't even imagine If I was 16, my dad was like early 50s. I can't even imagine him tolerating this movie at that age for five minutes. He wouldn't even, not. Not only would he have not tolerated it, he would have not tolerated it being on in our house. So I can't. This is not even allowed.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's really Apex Mountain for you had to have seen this movie within a certain age range. And if you didn't, there's no way it would work. But if you saw it between like 10 and 18, it's with you for life. But you can't bring anyone into it now.

[Bill Simmons]

So I tried with my son who's 18. He was like, this movie's terrible.

[Zach Lowe]

But.

[Bill Simmons]

Jim Carrey is hilarious, okay? And he was like, I get why they made it. I get why I was successful and I enjoyed it. And I was like, you're going to end up watching it 10 times. He's like, yeah, probably, yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I mean, I don't even know what PG13 means anymore, but this movie was made for 13 year old boys. Carrie's a Good blend of. There's adult humor in the movie and there's kid humor. And it feels like now those things are kind of bifurcated where you can only have one or the other. But this movie, I mean, there are a lot of references. I'll get into this later. That I don't. That I definitely didn't understand when I was a kid. That I do now. There's sexual innuendos and things like that. But then it's also just like him kicking around a package and it's hilarious.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

I had forgotten about the opening scene and kicking around the package and. Cause I had not seen a movie before. Research for this. And I'm gonna say eight to 10 years. I had not even that been on for more than five minutes continuously in my life. And I completely forgot about that scene. And it's like an extended.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

Like. Like walk and tracking shot kind of thing. I'm like. And he just says nothing. And he's both. He's immediately athletic, graceful, and just wildly out there. Like from. From shot one of the movie. It's like, wait, they're doing. It's just two minutes of this guy kicking a package. Why is this happening? And I didn't even remember why it was happening. Like, why is he intentionally damaging this package? What is going on here? Like, I've forgotten.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I think it's. So the guy has to spend time filling out the form so he kidnaps the dog.

[Zach Lowe]

Kidnaps the dog and replace it with stuffed animal.

[Bill Simmons]

It's. This is something that would happen in the 80s and 90s. And I don't feel like it happens anymore where somebody is just kind of famous and funny enough to get a movie greenlit like this, where it's like. It's a dumb premise and you're the star. Let's make it like Billy Madison. Same thing with Adam Sandler. That was his first movie. Mike Myers had. So I Married an Axe Murderer, which we did. Which is a little more advanced, I think, than this movie. But.

[Craig Horlbeck]

But it's just.

[Bill Simmons]

Norman McDonald had. Dir. Had dirty work.

[Zach Lowe]

Remember?

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's just letting somebody cook.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Just like, just be funny. Do the stuff you do. We'll. We'll come up with some premise around it and just go nuts.

[Zach Lowe]

Does Tommy Boy fall into that?

[Bill Simmons]

Tommy Boy is another one. But this is. And then they tried with Will Ferrell with Night in the Rocks Barrier, and they didn't really get it right with him until old school. But I don't feel like Marcelo Hernandez, who seems like he's taking off on SNL now in 1993, they just would have been like, just do a movie where you live with your family and do Marcelo Hernandez things. And here's a dumb premise. It's kind of gone.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah. And I don't, I don't know if Marcelo, he would have to have a character that was big enough and popular enough to even warrant that. I mean, he did like the, the one where he's there at the like bachelorette party and he's getting cheated on or whatever.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, Domingo.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, that would have been a movie.

[Bill Simmons]

Probably in the 1993. They would have made a Domingo movie. They did it.

[Zach Lowe]

You might be speaking into existence right now. Like someone is going to listen to this and be like, that's, that's not about. Like, that's bankable.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, one of the things I think everyone in Hollywood is trying to figure out right now is what happened in the comedy. Can we bring it back? Right. Because horror movies have just been unassailable since the early 70s. Action movies come and go franchises, but these comedies that are these iconic 90s and 2000 comedies, they just, they don't exist in the same way now. They kind of end up on streamers just to start out with. Or they become TV shows like Craig Loves the Studio.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Maybe in the 90s the studio is just a TV show is a movie. It's a 90 minute movie.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's a bummer. Because comedies used to make good money. Not huge money, but good money. And now people just want to hit home runs and not doubles. And so comedies now live on streaming services and it stinks. Because if you ever once in a while get to see a comedy in theater, still, like I saw the new Naked Gun in a packed theater. It was such a better experience. And it completely shapes your opinion of a movie if you're watching alone on your couch versus 200 other people. Because when everybody else is laughing, you feel comfortable to laugh. And when you're alone, it just doesn't hit the same.

[Zach Lowe]

Every comedy you guys just named from, from Tommy Boyd to Sawyer Married an Axe Murdered to what you just said, I saw all of them in the theater. Yeah, Naked Original, N Gun I saw in the theater. All Timer.

[Bill Simmons]

For me, I don't think people want to see comedies in the theater anymore because tickets are expensive.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, it's a whole process premium.

[Bill Simmons]

And you just wait until it is on like whatever on a streamer.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Like you go to see Top Gun Maverick because it's a spectacle. You don't need to see a Comedy in theaters. But I would argue when you go and you do see a really funny movie in theaters, you leave being fulfilled and it's worth it.

[Zach Lowe]

Do people want to see horror movies in the theaters because they like the collective experience of we're all scared. Because I love that. I love being scared. I big theater goer anymore, but I used to love going to scary movies. So why does it not translate to laughing? Like what's the difference between those two sensations? That one lends itself more to collective.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a great question.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I just think the theatrical experience for horror, the big screen, like just the ability to have the sound in the image being so big and like looming over you, I think delivers that fear in a way that at home can't. And people think, oh, I can laugh at home, what's the difference?

[Zach Lowe]

I could be scared at home though. You put me in a quiet house with a scary movie on. That's pretty scary.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, you don't. You're not allowed to watch horror movies in your house.

[Zach Lowe]

Not at the low house. Not unless my wife is on a trip.

[Bill Simmons]

Mrs. Lowe is hardcore. What are the cross offs for you? Horror thrillers.

[Zach Lowe]

Gruesome violence.

[Bill Simmons]

Gruesome violence and horror?

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, pretty much just. Just. Yeah, like nasty tension, stuff like that.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Also the risk of doing this movie if you're Jim Carrey, it's so vulnerable to be doing these characters. And I really think that the Internet now and just the way criticism works, somebody would get destroyed if they tried to do a movie like this and somebody did a character like this. It is so out there and putting yourself out there. Yeah, well, there's.

[Bill Simmons]

But there's one other piece to this though I hesitate to bring up. Like we. Zach's specialty is basketball.

[Zach Lowe]

Yes.

[Bill Simmons]

He watches a lot of basketball.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And sometimes in basketball types of players just come and go. Right. Like we used to have centers with awesome post up moves and then they just kind of went away. I guess my question is, do we just not have funny people that can carry movies like this anymore? Jim Carrey toiled away for 12 years doing standup, being in sketch shows, like putting in the time. And now you have like not to bring up Marcelo Hernandez again, but we just brought him up before. He was on SNL for two years, probably getting off for stuff. He didn't toil away in the same way, like crafting a Persona and trying to figure out all these ways to attack comedy. And maybe these people just don't exist. Or maybe it's just easier to be a TikTok. YouTube just do comedy that way.

[Zach Lowe]

And.

[Bill Simmons]

And versus like thinking about it in a movie sense. I don't know. I don't know the answers.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Also, I don't know if the upside is there. If you're Marcelo, it probably feels impossible to have your own Dumb and Dumber or Ace Ventura or Happy Gilmore, because the. Those movies don't exist. They don't succeed in theaters. They don't make that much money. So why would he want to put himself out there and potentially put out a flop or something that lands on a streaming screen?

[Bill Simmons]

He'd rather have like a Netflix comedy. Yeah, well, Shane Gillis is a good example. Right? Shane Gillis in the 90s would have. If you time machine him, he would have made like a dirty work or like a this kind of movie. Now he does tires on Netflix.

[Zach Lowe]

Well, all of these movies that we're talking about in particularly the Carrie movies, are on some level, on every level, completely absurd. Like, the situation is absurd. The character. They don't exist in the real world. And a lot of like the great comedic people of the last 15 or 20 years have gone on and made like, really funny movies, but they all exist in like, our actual reality. None of them are like, trying to lean into this absurd space. And so there's no. They're not like this crazy character drives the movie. But like, you can go Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Will Ferrell, they've all had like these great movies, but none of them are quite this, like, absurd. Except Zoolander, I think would a good example of what I'm talking about just like just a completely absurd thing that does not really exist.

[Bill Simmons]

Then Zoolander 2 didn't work well.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Zoolander was like 2001. So it was still kind of in that, like, spiritually. A 90s movie.

[Zach Lowe]

That long ago. Wow.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I think so.

[Bill Simmons]

Not only 2001, it was like two weeks after 9 11.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Oh, really?

[Bill Simmons]

It was the first. Hey, America, it's okay to laugh. Come see Zoolander. And it was. It kind of wasn't okay yet.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, Farrell, I feel like, was the bridge where he could still kind of do the wonky characters, the Talladega Nitra Anchormans. But then after him, we went into the Judd Apatow era, which was more.

[Zach Lowe]

That's a great call. That's. That's a Persona. Those movies are the Persona. They're funny. Like, I like them, I adore them.

[Craig Horlbeck]

But they're much more grounded.

[Bill Simmons]

It's Craig's. That's his wheelhouse.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, but I mean, but these are.

[Bill Simmons]

The aptow movies are a good example. Those guys were all fucking awesome. One of a kind stars that are in those movies. Like, even Ben and I watched 40 year old Virgin last week. Jonah Hill's in there. It's. He's like. It seems like he's like 11 years old.

[Craig Horlbeck]

He's buying the boots.

[Bill Simmons]

He's buying boots from the U.S. i.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Don'T even remember him buying bedazzled boots.

[Bill Simmons]

He probably wants to kill himself when he sees the video. He's just like. He's like. Just like. So he's like £400 and he looks like he's 10.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

But like, he populated. Rogan's in that movie. Paul Rudd's in that movie. Carell's in that movie. Like, you think of. We just had a lot of characters back then.

[Zach Lowe]

And that's. I mean, I'm doing this off the top and this is not my realm. Like, it is yours, but that's like the Carell. All right, this is my shot.

[Bill Simmons]

He got it from Anchorman and they saw him as Brick Tamlin.

[Zach Lowe]

It's similar of like, all right, like, this is kind of a strange movie. You're gonna play a 40 year old virgin who's a weirdo and has dolls at his house and, like, gets his chest hair shaved off. Like another movie that really shouldn't have worked as well as it did.

[Bill Simmons]

He's another example, though. He toiled away forever.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And was in sketch comedy, all kinds of stuff. Colbert was another one that was put in a lot of time. Another.

[Zach Lowe]

Another commonality between Carrie and Carell and some of the other people you just mentioned. Sneaky, handsome. Like there's. There's like. There's like a leading man, like, handsomeness hidden under the goof. Like, Steve Carell is just like a straight up, like, hot dude now. Like a hot old guy now. Jim Carrey was like sneaking.

[Bill Simmons]

Steve Crowe's watching this. Right. And they're like, fuck, yeah. Seriously, Basketball guy loves me.

[Zach Lowe]

Somewhere in the middle of the Office, everyone around Steve Carell, like season three of the Office, everyone around that show and Steve Carell made a collective decision. We're glamming you up a little bit.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Corel got his hair done.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah. There's something spinning.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Season two.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah. Something happened. I didn't want to just say it so baldly like that. No pun intended, but some. Something happened. He got fitter. So it was clear, like, you're becoming a real star now.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I got to talk about 94, which is in the running for best movie year of the last 40 quickly. And people remember from the Pulp Fiction.

[Zach Lowe]

Forest Gump I'm still mad about yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So people remember the Oscars for it. There's a whole bunch of Apex breakout crazy stuff. I'm just going to run through this quickly. Pulp Fiction, Tarantino breakout Sam Jackson, Travolta, Forest Gump Hank's Apex Shawn become Shawshank. But also Morgan Freeman is now here does seven the next year True Lies Schwarzenegger's comeback Lion King probably the felt like the biggest original Disney movie that they made. Like it was just perfectly marketed. It had the Elton John song. It was a monster. Just like it was kind of Disney where you're like, oh, this is peak of their powers speed. Not only the Keanu Reeves breakout but they pushed up the summer movie schedule for it. They said fuck it, let's start it in May. And it completely reinvented that fantastic theater experience.

[Zach Lowe]

And as my wife knows, it's still not over for me in Sandra Bull like all these years later.

[Bill Simmons]

Wow, I'm glad. You see that's how I have Tiffany Ambrosen with my wife. It's just like look, man, I met her before I knew you and it's just fine. Disclosure Michael Douglas first to be more we did that movie but that was like two big movie stars pitted against each other with a very important topic. Santa Claus, the Tim Allen, Apex.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Love it.

[Zach Lowe]

Saw it. Saw it just recently because my daughter's going through all the classic holiday movies.

[Bill Simmons]

I watch it every It'll be on the rewatchables at some point. Clear and Present Danger. Just a Harrison Ford movie in his prime. Interview the Vampire Cruise and Pit together. Legends of the Fall. A second pit movie. Hoop Dreams. Best sports movie doc ever.

[Zach Lowe]

Come on.

[Bill Simmons]

Quiz Show Redford did that one theater Reality Bites. The peak of Gen X and Ethan Hawke. Four Weddings and a Funeral. Hugh Grant's breakout Blue Chips and Above the Rim. Maybe the best basketball movie combo year we've had those two. And then we also had Little Big league, Mighty Ducks 2 and Angels in the Outfield for kids movies. And there's a bunch more stuff but it's just like I look at 94 and I'm just like we kind of had it all going. Yeah. I don't know how we get back.

[Craig Horlbeck]

We didn't know.

[Bill Simmons]

And Jim Carrey busting out and having the year of Jim Carrey.

[Zach Lowe]

How's Mighty Ducks too? Because I not I we I just saw Mighty Ducks for the first time in my life last weekend. We had a family new movie night. My Daughter loves kids, sports movies, and Mighty Ducks. Like, didn't know. Didn't know Joshua Jackson was involved at all. He turns out he's heavily involved. I enjoyed it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Mighty Ducks are great movies. I haven't seen them in a while. One and two, maybe even three.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, there's. There's a. We haven't done either of these yet. There's a camp D2. The D2 is the one.

[Zach Lowe]

I'm excited.

[Bill Simmons]

Terminator 1 versus Terminator 2 kind of thing.

[Zach Lowe]

I'm Terminator 1. I'm team 1. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Some people are like, T2 is one of the greatest. That's where we go. Ace Ventura, the cinematographer, said the stuff he was doing was so over the top. I truly thought this was going to be the biggest piece of shit ever. He added a shitload of improv stuff, including the ass talking scene, which is in the running for funniest single scenes he's ever done. Apparently happening in living color because Keenan every. Keenan Ivory Wayans, kept rejecting his sketches. So finally one day he got up and pitched a sketch with his ass. And Keenan Ivy Raines got pissed, and they almost had a fist fight. This is an actual story. And then Carrie said on Inside the Actor Studio that he based Ace Ventura on a smart bird. He thought about him, how he would move like an actual animal. And the clothing he picked, the walk was bird. Like, yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

He's kind of dressed like a pirate.

[Bill Simmons]

And I don't remember style, was like a parrot. A parrot, yeah. And that was kind of what he was going for. You just have to be insane.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

To even, like, come up with all that stuff. You just have to have a screw loose in a good way.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It really sounded like they knew this could be a piece of shit. And they were like, we don't care. This is our humor. We're going for it.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Because the director as well, who was like a young joke writer, they both went in being like, this could completely ruin our careers. And their goal was to make something that was so over the top and potentially unappealing to some people, which is insane. Now, like, now you have to make something that's broad enough for everybody. Them going in saying, half the audience might fucking hate this. It's just crazy.

[Bill Simmons]

Maybe we should do that. You create a character that's hard into advanced metrics for breaking down basketball, and you're just doing voices and crazy shit. Work on this. I'll work down some.

[Zach Lowe]

When I was reading all these things, we read a lot of the same stuff. It sounds like I did have A moment where I was like, I Wonder what day 21 on set is. If there's a contingent of the people in the crew and the cast who are just like, this guy. This is just really going to places where I didn't expect.

[Craig Horlbeck]

He's in the tutu in reverse. And they're like, I don't know about this.

[Zach Lowe]

Should I get out of this? Like, is it too late for me to get out of this now?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, it seems like there's only a couple comedy actors ever, that if you just let them loose and let them explore the studio space, they were going to explore every. Like, Robin Williams, I think, was like, this, too.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

They're like, hey, we wrote this scene where can you just, like, Deadpool excited. Can you just ad lib in front of the class for a couple minutes? He's like, great.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And is just doing it for two hours.

[Craig Horlbeck]

You got it. I think there was a sense even on set that this was like, we're watching a freak. Like, we. This is. It's like when Benyama. I don't know what I'm watching, but there's nobody who can replicate this.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, the weird thing about him is women definitely dig him and dug him. And, like, he ends up dating Lauren Holly, who's. Who's married dumb and dumber, and they end up together. But then Courtney Cox there was like, she was on Stern four years ago, and he was like, what'd you think of Jim Carrey? Like, thinking she'd be like, oh, he was so fucking annoying. And he. And she was like, I kind of had a crush on him back then. I really kind of dug him.

[Craig Horlbeck]

One of my. It wasn't gonna be a nitpick. It was gonna be a probably unanswerable question, was like, how did she pretend her character to be into this psychopath, basically? And there are so many scenes where he's doing this weird thing and she's looking at him with her bat and the blue eyes. Yeah, bat, the blue eyes. And you're like, there's no way this woman would be into him. And then you find out that on set she was falling for him while he was doing this character. So you're like, all right, I gu. Real.

[Zach Lowe]

You guys might not like some of the choices I've made for our categories.

[Bill Simmons]

Later, but I can't wait. I mean, she did marry David Arquette. She might have just like, goofball.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Guys, if we say one slanderous word against Courtney Cox, I'll storm out of this set.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm ready to do it right now. Not say slanderous stuff. Another one I had stock in. Zach. Courtney Cox, Let me take you back to 1984.

[Zach Lowe]

We're just doing. We're just going down the whole path now. Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

She's just in the Dancing in the Dark video of Springsteen.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Didn't know that.

[Zach Lowe]

Wow. See, look at that landmark. Landmark. It's a landmark thing.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Didn't know that.

[Zach Lowe]

For men of his.

[Bill Simmons]

You didn't know that.

[Craig Horlbeck]

No.

[Bill Simmons]

Springsteen, who's like, it come from down in the Valley, he's doing all those songs. Comes out Born in the USA and the first song is Dancing in the Dark. It's just a pop song. And the video is him on him on stage and he's doing this weird dance. And it's just like. I don't even know how to describe. It would be like if Patrick Mahomes just completely changed his look one day and it was just a completely different person.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Deep voice, all of a sudden.

[Bill Simmons]

And he was just like dressed like a motorcyclist or something. And you were like, what's going on with Patrick Mahomes? Why is he in all leather? Bruce comes out, he's like trying to be a pop star. And there's this girl dancing in the video. And you keep seeing her. And then he points to her and he goes, hey, baby. And brings her on the stage and they dance. And it became a phenomenon. Who is this girl? And it was Courteney Cox, which leads to her being on Family ties in an 18 episode run as Alex P. Keaton's girlfriend, played by Michael J. Fox. Every guy at my age was in love with her, so I'm not taking credit. It was everybody. She toiled away for six years, like just in bad movies. It never happened for her. And then it finally happened.

[Zach Lowe]

Boy, did it happen.

[Bill Simmons]

Here's what happens. Ace Ventura, she's in Seinfeld during the breakout. The real breakout. Like Seinfeld becoming replacing Dry cleaner Girlfriend. She's the Jerry's girlfriend who pretends they're married so she can get the dry cleaning discount. He has to break up with her.

[Craig Horlbeck]

You could spend an hour talking about people who have cameoed in Seinfeld, who.

[Bill Simmons]

She probably is the most important one. And here's why. They're making friends, right? They're like this Courtney Cox who was in Ace Ventura and who was in that Seinfeld episode. Maybe we build friends around her and they make friends and it's like a vehicle for her, basically. Then it becomes friends. So this movie paves the Way to.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Friends, kind of important, has never looked better and ushered me into adulthood in this film.

[Bill Simmons]

I said to my son Ben, I was like, I don't know if it gets better. I think we might have peaked.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Also, I think Jennifer, the cutest of of the possible.

[Bill Simmons]

You could never have put a cuter actress into a movie.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I think Jennifer Aniston almost overshadowed her. Not. Maybe not market corrected her, but Jennifer Aniston and her being in Friends. You almost, like, couldn't focus on both, and Aniston maybe won out. But when you. Courtney Cox in this movie, we always joke, I'm a Warriors fan. And we say, like, the only player who could get hotter than Steph was Clay. And I actually think Courtney Cox, in the right moment, can put up 37 and a quarter. And that's what she does in this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

So you think she's Clay. This is interesting. I'm so glad Zach's here for this.

[Craig Horlbeck]

She's the only one where I'm like, you know what? There are moments it is her over Jennifer Aniston in this movie. 37 in the third quarter.

[Bill Simmons]

So this is such a great topic because when Aniston's on Friends, she becomes the breakout star of Friends, and every guy is in love with her, including me.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And me, too. I mean, they're both the most beautiful.

[Zach Lowe]

Women in the world.

[Bill Simmons]

I think I was exactly the same age. The Aniston piece was like you. Everybody in America, no matter where you lived and how much money you made, you're like, I feel like I could talk myself into, like, getting a date with her. I just met her. Yeah, she was, like, very.

[Zach Lowe]

This never crossed my mind for one second. You thought Jennifer Aniston was accessible?

[Bill Simmons]

I think I thought she was accessible hot.

[Zach Lowe]

Like, if you ran into Jennifer, I.

[Bill Simmons]

Was like, she would like my friends. Yeah, she was like one of those.

[Zach Lowe]

I think it's because she ever crossed.

[Bill Simmons]

My mind, Courtney Cox was not accessible. She was just like, I wouldn't be able to talk.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I also think the nature of being on a TV show versus being a movie star made that person feel more attainable. Like, oh, I watch her every week. She's in an apartment.

[Bill Simmons]

She would love us. Yeah, she would love to watch video games.

[Zach Lowe]

She would not have loved.

[Craig Horlbeck]

She's looking for a job.

[Zach Lowe]

She would have walked away.

[Bill Simmons]

She's been boss, and I'm barely employed.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I'm as good as.

[Bill Simmons]

You're just calling your shot. Your heat checks.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I mean, it's MJ versus LeBron Cox and Aniston in 94. It's out of control.

[Bill Simmons]

Never thought about this before. What an incredible market correction.

[Zach Lowe]

Why are we pitting him against each other?

[Bill Simmons]

Courtney Cox headings.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I want to lift them both up and champion both.

[Bill Simmons]

That's like Clay and Steph.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Exactly.

[Zach Lowe]

Who's Draymond?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Lisa Kudrow.

[Bill Simmons]

Lisa Kudrow.

[Zach Lowe]

I was going to go Matt LeBlanc. I don't know. Just like a little bit bigger hits.

[Bill Simmons]

People would hit people, honestly, probably Matthew Perry because it was a little bit more of a roller coaster ride with him. And that was. That's the Draymond experience.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I don't mean to put Jennifer Aniston down in any way, because she is also one of the most beautiful women who's ever existed, but I just want to spend some time acknowledging Courtney Cox.

[Bill Simmons]

That's all I will say it is. If you had told me in.

[Zach Lowe]

I just have a totally different take on the movie, I guess, but go ahead.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I was going to say if you told me in spring of 94, Courteney Cox is going to be on a show with six people, and a year from now, somebody else on that show that's not Courteney Cox will be the sex symbol that everybody's cutting their hair to look like. I would have been like, that's impossible. There's going to be another. But it's not going to be Courteney Cox. Zach doesn't agree.

[Zach Lowe]

I'm just going to say my. I'm just going to say we'll do it later.

[Bill Simmons]

All right, save your tank.

[Zach Lowe]

We'll do it later.

[Bill Simmons]

Anyway, this is a very important Courtney Cox movie. Weirdly not.

[Zach Lowe]

Is there such a thing as a very important Courtney Cox movie?

[Bill Simmons]

Because she tore away.

[Zach Lowe]

It's a crazy movie.

[Bill Simmons]

You didn't see the opposite sex and how to live with them in the. The 1992. I went for Courtney Cox.

[Zach Lowe]

I don't even know what that is.

[Bill Simmons]

She was. It was set in Boston.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Zach, you said you were 15 when you saw this movie.

[Zach Lowe]

Ace Ventura is 94. So 16.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And Courtney Cox didn't. Didn't do anything.

[Zach Lowe]

I mean, look, I'm not saying she didn't do anything. I'm just saying I have a different take on the. The movie.

[Bill Simmons]

We're learning Zach has a type. Sha Young. Last to have very controversial rewatchables character. Yeah, because we did no Way out with Kevin Costner, Chris Ryan and I love Sean Young in that movie. And Craig's like, just kind of shrugged it off. That became a thing. This is her last hurrah. After this, it's all over and she's not really in any movies. And a notoriously difficult Hollywood actor, shall we say? We'll get back to her later. $15 million budget made $107 million. It sold 4.2 million home videos in its first three weeks. Wow, that's a lot. So normally when Craig's producing, we still do the Horlbeck Century Club, which was a new category this year. Craig. 86 minutes. I can't believe it's underneath the late 86 minutes. Craig thinks every movie should be 100 minutes. So this is a plus 14 on the Horrorbeck scale.

[Zach Lowe]

It's not a bad take.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The Departed can be long. That's okay. But in general, Departed is too long. For rare exceptions, every movie should be under two hours. And it should be around 100 minutes. 80. 86 minutes movies. And it doesn't feel like it's too short or. I mean, I feel like everything you want is in there. They develop the plot. I feel like we should say this movie's plot and premise is way too good than it needs to be the idea.

[Zach Lowe]

That's a good point.

[Craig Horlbeck]

So I just. Crazy.

[Bill Simmons]

What's the best. I thought. I think the plot's like, kind of amazing.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's fantastic. Great idea. Who. Who goes back home and. And plots his revenge to kill the head. The quarterback who held the ball wrong is a fantastic plot.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, but you have that. But then you also have, like pet detectives. Also a great idea. This movie has two great ideas.

[Zach Lowe]

Pet protective is an insane idea. But then like.

[Bill Simmons]

But a funny idea for the movie.

[Zach Lowe]

You're right. The plot is a little twistier than it has any right to be. Like, oh, that thread connects to that. Like, what's going on here? Why am I thinking about this movie?

[Craig Horlbeck]

You totally think it's the rich guy. Which he has nothing to do with it.

[Bill Simmons]

Right. He's a red herring.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The Finkel Einhorn twist for however problematic it is is a crazy twist for a comedy. There's not a lot of twists in comedies. Genuinely didn't see that coming. And the idea of I'm gonna spend the next eight years of my life plotting to kidnap and murder Dan Marino is an incredible plot.

[Bill Simmons]

What. What basketball person would Ray Finkel it? Is there somebody who'd blame somebody else. Like this would be like JR Smith.

[Zach Lowe]

I was about to say mad at.

[Bill Simmons]

LeBron for being blamed for the Brown.

[Zach Lowe]

Would play blame JR Smith for botching the end of game one finals.

[Bill Simmons]

JR Smith would be the Ray Finkel, though he would have to blame LeBron for.

[Craig Horlbeck]

You need a, like a bench star.

[Bill Simmons]

LeBron actually told him to call timeout and then pretended he didn't. It would have to be. That would be the plot.

[Zach Lowe]

This is. I'm going to be distracted for the rest of the podcast.

[Bill Simmons]

I should have noticed.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Maybe it's like Draymond trying to kill the ref Who. Who gave him that technical in 2016.

[Bill Simmons]

Jordan Pool.

[Zach Lowe]

Andre.

[Bill Simmons]

Jordan Poole ruined my. Draymond, ruined my career, and he punched me. Now I'm gonna get revenge on Draymond. Ace Ventura 3.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Pool detective.

[Bill Simmons]

Pool detective. Disgruntled teammate Detective. Roger Ebert, to the surprise of nobody. One star. How many one star movies have we done? Four.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

It's such a rarity for us. He said this movie basically has one joke, which is Ace Ventura's weirdy, nerdy strangeness. If you laugh at this joke, I can sympathize with you, even if I can't understand you. I found the movie a long, unfunny slog through an impenetrable plot. Impenetrable plot, kids.

[Zach Lowe]

Almost a compliment.

[Bill Simmons]

Kids might like it. This is compliment.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I'll keep going. Kerry plays Ace as if he's being clocked on an energy O meter and paid by the calories expended. He's a hyper goon who likes to screw his mouth into strange shapes while playing variations on the language. You know what? That's all correct.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And Roger Ebert was 52 when this movie came out. It's not.

[Zach Lowe]

My dad would have not let it be on for one minute. Would have been like, he's talking. I was. But you're smarter than this. Get. Get this nonsense off the idiot box. That's. That's almost exactly.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm older than 52. And when he puts the. When he's at the mansion and he puts the food and he starts doing this with the food. I left my ass.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, but you probably saw it when you were 20.

[Bill Simmons]

I know, but it's still funny. So this is my visceral, funny reaction.

[Zach Lowe]

My general take on the movie, and I just want to get it out now.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

So you mention scene where he makes the face at the guy who's not looking. Right. He's just. It's a completely throwaway moment in the.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I laugh out loud every.

[Zach Lowe]

I think generally the small jokes in this movie are way funnier than the big jokes. I think the big jokes are largely not that great. And I'll hit some of them later. It's those kind of moments.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

And those kind of facial expressions and and smug expressions that I think make the whole movie. I think they're the best part of the movie.

[Bill Simmons]

I agree. We're going to take a break and then we're going to do Most Rewatchable Scene this episode is brought to you by LinkedIn ads. The best B2B marketing gets wasted on the wrong people. So when you want to reach the right professionals, use LinkedIn ads. LinkedIn has grown to a network of over 1 billion professionals and 130 million decision makers. And that's where it stands apart from other ad buys. You could target your buyers by job title, industry, company role, seniority skills, company revenue so you can stop wasting budget on the wrong audience. It's why LinkedIn Ads generates the highest B2B return on ad spend of all online ad networks. Seriously, all of them spend $250 in first campaign on LinkedIn ads. Get a free $250 credit for the next one. Just go to LinkedIn.com rewatch terms and conditions apply this episode is brought to you by TaxAct TaxAct. Like an expert coach, TaxAct offers step by step guidance and guaranteed accuracy when filing taxes. Get tips along the way. Add expert assist to talk to tax experts and let our experts do your taxes for you. With Expert full service, TaxAct helps you find the deductions and credits you deserve so you can get them over with. Visit taxact.com to learn more. Conditions apply. See taxact.com for details. All right. Most rewatchable scene Opening credits with the box when he steals Tex Cobb's dog. Tex Cobb was a pretty pretty well known boxer in the 70s and 80s for heavyweight division. Famously got the shit kicked out of him by Larry Holmes on abc. And Harold Howard Cosell was so upset by how one side of the fight was, he vowed never to do boxing again and was killing the fight as it was happening. That's how Tex Cobb was known. Then he went into movies.

[Zach Lowe]

Wow.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And apparently the black eyes are real.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. He got in a fight. It's alive. I think that scene's funny. Next scene. Aces. Pets come out of hiding. Which I think is a great shot. Gordo candidate. Here are the pets. Raccoon, iguana, penguins all off. There's too many Skunk, monkey, squirrel, basset hound, parrots. And a cat.

[Zach Lowe]

The raccoon comes out of the toilet.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And the. The penguins come out of the fridge.

[Zach Lowe]

Which I like. So. So I didn't do this much half ass research. Maybe one of you did. Is the that monkey? The little monkey. Is it Ross's monkey from Friends. Is it the same actor monkey?

[Bill Simmons]

Wow.

[Zach Lowe]

There can't be that. That. That kind of monkey has a name that.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm blanking on, but from the show.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah. It's got to be the same monkey. How many of these monkeys can there be floating around?

[Bill Simmons]

Or maybe there's a million monkeys and they. Marceau just got a. Got tabbed. There were other people that could add the shot.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Happens in Hollywood all the time.

[Bill Simmons]

My son really, really marveled at this scene. And. And it was a. How did they do this scene for him? Because there's no cgi.

[Craig Horlbeck]

No.

[Bill Simmons]

Then he's like, how do they get all these animals to coexist together?

[Zach Lowe]

He.

[Bill Simmons]

I actually thought this thing could have gone longer.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Even I could have watched him feed the animals. I just had more questions. I love pets.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah. And they all hide like the toys in Toy Story when he jingles the keys.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

It was a great. It's a great moment.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Honestly, we're like two. Two apartment scenes short with the pets. I could have run it back.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Apparently, the sex scene when all the animals are around as well. Apparently Carrie said that they are all, like, tied to the ground so they can't move. Oh, he. He said they were trained to do that.

[Bill Simmons]

I wonder if Peter was on the set going, say that.

[Zach Lowe]

Is that problem? Is that problematic? I don't know.

[Craig Horlbeck]

You tie your dog to a pole when you. You know.

[Zach Lowe]

See, I think the sex scene not good enough. I think it should have been funnier. The highlight of the sex scene is the bird. Is the bird that's bouncing up and down, mimicking the movements.

[Bill Simmons]

I think they were very scared to veer toward the R range.

[Zach Lowe]

I just feel like for a guy who has this level of physical comedy and inanity and insanity, to him, the sex scene should have been, like, bonkers.

[Craig Horlbeck]

More animalistic.

[Zach Lowe]

Just. I don't even know what. Just, like, crazier.

[Bill Simmons]

That's actually what Roger Ebert wrote in his review.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

He's like, that sex scene should have been bonkers. Next scene. Ace checks out the empty dolphin pool and does Star Trek impressions. I think you have to be over 45 to get even. Like, did you even get those jokes? Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

So that's the correct answer to this question. That's the best scene in a movie.

[Bill Simmons]

That's your most rewatchable.

[Zach Lowe]

Should I go on? Yes, keep going. I will say that he gets into the tank and he says to Courtney Cox, if I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer. That is one of the most perfectly written jokes in the history of jokes. The first time I heard it, I think that one joke single handedly changed my sense of humor. Oh wow. Just the zig zag construction of the joke and the kind of meanness underlying it almost I think changed me in that moment. The Star Trek impression is perfect because it's just like Shatner but multiple characters, but like 20% more Shatner. Y and, and I and then we talked about this offline. The, the scene, the part of that scene where he pretends to be the dolphins German trainer which, which is not in the movie anymore. It's a crime that that's not in because every single line of it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, I believe the original theatrical cut, when I saw it as a kid had that scene.

[Zach Lowe]

It did, yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I knew that scene. I don't know why it's not on Netflix now.

[Zach Lowe]

So does he know you? Does he call you at home? Do you have a torso fin? And I'm up on the tail. It's just like absolutely pitch perfect the entire way through.

[Bill Simmons]

So we were talking because he was asking me why that wasn't in there. We were talking offline and I was saying how when these movies were on tnt, Comedy Central, wherever, they would have to pad the movie to get it to two hours. So this is 86 minutes. So if it's a two hour slot on Comedy Central, they have to have 34 minutes of commercials. They don't want to do that. So they put in deleted scenes and they would pad the movies. So you would see saw these movies on cable, there'd be these extra scenes and then you buy it on DVD or whatever, you're like, where's the scene that I like? It's just not there. So if you include that horror movie said this too.

[Zach Lowe]

If you include that part German trainer, Hans something or other and you can quote him. Yeah, that whole scene is nirvana. That's nirvana.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And even for somebody like whatever. I was 11 years old, no idea what they were talking about. The voices are still funny. Him going, I just can't do it, Captain. It just. It still played for an 11 year old.

[Bill Simmons]

Next one ace gets heckled at the police station. Excuse me, I'd like to ask you a few questions. So I did that. I'll freely admit I used to do this to my kids basically staying like when they were younger when. Because they thought this was hilarious and it was just a running joke in our family. It still makes me laugh. I'm not proud of it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

As Holyo Sodomia.

[Bill Simmons]

Do you Have a man.

[Zach Lowe]

I didn't. I don't think 16 year old me registered those jokes at the time. It was nice to hear. It was nice to hear them again.

[Bill Simmons]

It has a good throwaway line too. At the end when she's like, blah, blah, blah. Sean Young said, blah, blah, blah, there's going to be hell to pay. And he's like, I'm not ready for a relationship yet. Or like, good. That's a good snuck. Snuck that one in the end. But I love that whole scene. The mansion party date. I love a nice big rich mansion with a bad guy. In a comedy like you never go wrong. Mention the food thing. I think that's the big Kahuna burger award for best use of food or drink.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The crab cake or whatever that is.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Or if you have another one. What's your. What's your other one?

[Zach Lowe]

When he's eating. What are they? Sesame seeds in the ashtray. Do you want a cigarette? I don't smoke. It's disgusting. Habit.

[Bill Simmons]

This has the Mission Impossible riff, which I.

[Zach Lowe]

Brilliant.

[Bill Simmons]

Which by the way, was going out of favor in the mid-90s because the show was from the 60s so it was like tail end. And then Cruz brought it back and now it's. Now it's timeless again.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Him scaling the fence, even though you.

[Zach Lowe]

Don'T realize right away that it's going to be as absurd as it is that he doesn't need to do any of those acrobatic things and he's just doing it because he thinks it's fun.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah. You get the snowflake gag where it turns out to be the shark. It's not Snowflake. It's not Snowflake.

[Bill Simmons]

The ring ID montage when he's looking up with lineup by Aerosmith, which I think wins the Kid Cudi Pursuit of Happiness sword. Right.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I was gonna give that. Or a Mission Impossible.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay. The sex scene with all the animals watching. The director said that was one of the most disturbing scenes he's ever filmed. By the way, the director was. I had that in my notes. Tom Shadiak, who also co wrote the screenplay.

[Zach Lowe]

He did.

[Bill Simmons]

Ace Ventura, the Nutty Professor. Liar, liar. Patch Adams, Bruce Almighty.

[Zach Lowe]

Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Jim Carrey's guy. Also apparently Courtney Cox, terrified of animals. And it was a mess on set and she was petrified the whole time.

[Bill Simmons]

That's bad casting. You gotta. That's one of those where like the actor lies like. You ever played hockey before? Yeah, I've been skating my whole life. And then they get on sketch set and they don't know how to skate.

[Craig Horlbeck]

There was a scene where she interacted with the monkey, and they said she was shaking so bad they had to cut it.

[Zach Lowe]

Ironically, potentially. The same monkey that was on Friends.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Maybe it's Marcel. The screenwriter. Jack Bernstein actually came up with the pet detective idea after he watched a David Letterman sketch about pet owners. So Letterman tentacles yet again. Two more rewatchable scenes. Visit to Ray Finkel's house, which, it's fun, but when the mother goes, dan Marino should die. I've got to read her right now.

[Zach Lowe]

She might come up in Best hang, Worst Hang for me.

[Bill Simmons]

Would you give that the Billy, Billy Batts Jack Waltz award for most biting and scalable?

[Craig Horlbeck]

She might win, like, six categories.

[Bill Simmons]

Ace gets into Shady Acres just for the slow motion run and then the. The football in the back.

[Zach Lowe]

So you know what makes the slow motion thing is that he not only does it backwards, but that he talks backwards. And it's just nonsense gibberish. And you're like, what is he doing? He's like, oh, he's mimicking what he would sound like if your words came out backwards.

[Craig Horlbeck]

That's why even if you don't find this joke funny or that joke funny, it's just impressive.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Watching him do what he does, that's so hard to do to make yourself sound like you're speaking backwards. It's incredible.

[Bill Simmons]

And I think the fight scene is really funny with him and Sean Young. It's just like those fight scenes usually are bad in comedies. That one's actually good. And it's like. It's funny that it has some twists and turns. Any other rewatchable scenes?

[Zach Lowe]

You have the fight scene with the eagle at the end is also the mascot. Very good.

[Craig Horlbeck]

One, I'll add is the. The crime scene at the apartment after the guy allegedly commits suicide. The sliding glass door.

[Bill Simmons]

My wife.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, my wife does that in. In Life randomly, when applicable. Yeah, she will do that.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I've been doing that since I was 12 years old.

[Bill Simmons]

All right, so what's your most rewatchable?

[Craig Horlbeck]

I think it's the fancy party. Ronald Camp's party for me. Congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific.

[Bill Simmons]

Ronald Camp, played by Udo Kier, who's like just this very serious German actor. They decided to cast him coming out of the bathroom.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Do not go in there.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Zach Lowe]

So. So the. How the throwaway moments make the film for me. That. That whole scene is my second favorite scene, behind the pool tank scene. Whatever. When this. At the start of the Mission Impossible bathroom, when he's in the bathroom, the music hits, and he's like. He doesn't just walk. He's like, does this weird, like, almost thriller, like, zombie walk. What is happening? Why is he doing this? And when he gets to the party.

[Craig Horlbeck]

That'S the funniest scene in the movie to me.

[Zach Lowe]

That dance?

[Craig Horlbeck]

No. When they get to the party and she's like, don't embarrass me.

[Bill Simmons]

He's like, like what?

[Zach Lowe]

He's like. He's like, is he trying to be a pterodactyl? Like, what is this? And then. But his throwaway joke is when they meet Ron Camp, and he's like. He says to Courteney Cox, aren't you gonna introduce me to your date? And she's like, oh, you know, He's. This is my lawyer. And Ron Camp thinks he's being clever. He's like, oh, does he have a name? Or should I just call him a lawyer? And Jim Carrey's like, oh. And it's. There's, like, an underlying meanness and smugness to that facial expression that is just brilliant. Those are the moments that make the movie for me.

[Bill Simmons]

I think he's the best walker ever in movies for, like, being able to pull out funny, crazy, different types of walks.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, he's human gun.

[Bill Simmons]

Because even when he comes in to the police office for the first time and he's doing that walk as he walks through, like, he just. His control of his own body. I don't. I can't think of anybody else like this.

[Zach Lowe]

I had forgotten about the scene right outside the door and laughing out loud on the plane. I was dying.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Like, dying.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Well, have we ever seen Kerry play sports? Because he seems quite coordinated. Has he never done a sports movie?

[Zach Lowe]

He must know how to skate. He's Canadian. He's got to be a hockey player.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I wonder.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a recurring thing with some of the better comedians. They're really good athletes. Belushi was a great athlete.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Is Chris Farley a good athlete?

[Bill Simmons]

Chris Farley was an awesome athlete. These guys, they can do physical comedy partly because they're just athletic. My most rewatchable scene is him at the police station. That whole start to finish, when he's getting heckled, he does the ask you a question just all the way through. True. I just like that the most. What's the most 1994 thing about this movie? What do you have?

[Zach Lowe]

Isotoner gloves.

[Bill Simmons]

Had that down as well.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I wrote down Dan Marino doing a commercial for Isotoner gloves.

[Bill Simmons]

I had Dan Marino as the Dolphins qb, I had the band Cannibal Corpse.

[Zach Lowe]

Which I did not. I was not aware of them.

[Bill Simmons]

I just. They feel like that. Probably not doing a lot in 2025. Captain Stubing as an ironic comedy reference. Now that's just sailing over people's heads. My number one thing, though, is the Dolphins having a chance to win the Super Bowl.

[Zach Lowe]

Oh, I knew somebody was gonna go there. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

That felt really 1994. It's been a while for them. What stage is the best?

[Zach Lowe]

Wait, do we know? Does Isotoner still exist?

[Bill Simmons]

Great question.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I don't even know what that is.

[Zach Lowe]

It was this.

[Bill Simmons]

I mean, did OJ Kill Isotoner gloves or did he have a different type?

[Zach Lowe]

I don't think he had ISIS owner. I think you just slandered ISIS owner.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I don't know.

[Zach Lowe]

Maybe he did.

[Bill Simmons]

It'd be funny if the next three watchables. I look at the camera, I'm like, I'd like to apologize first. Tyson toner gloves. OJ did not wear them.

[Zach Lowe]

If I'm wrong, you would see them advertised on television, right? Like, you could order ISO toner gloves.

[Bill Simmons]

They were like the only gloves I'd ever heard of.

[Zach Lowe]

I don't know how they became a thing, but they are a very 90s thing.

[Bill Simmons]

Unclear if they're still alive.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Google Gemini for what it is. According to Google Gemini, yes. Evidence in the O.J. simpson trial indicated he owned and wore Aries Isotoner gloves.

[Zach Lowe]

Okay.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And that was in June 94.

[Bill Simmons]

I'd like to not apologize for what I said then.

[Zach Lowe]

They must not be available. If they are available, I'm going. I'm going on Amazon prime right after this and getting a pair of Isotoner gloves.

[Craig Horlbeck]

So get the OJ Explain them to.

[Bill Simmons]

Get the OJ Classic edition.

[Craig Horlbeck]

So they were just with his signature on him. They were just fashionable gloves.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. It was just somebody trying to own the gloves market. They were like, check these out. Isotone are super comfortable. And I don't know, everybody gave up on the glove market. What's age the best? What do you have?

[Craig Horlbeck]

What's age the best? Courtney Cox.

[Bill Simmons]

I had Courteney Cox as well.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Absolutely. I would say giving people chances. Jim Carrey being this guy on In Living Color and just deciding to allow him to have a movie where he cooks for 90 minutes. Obviously aged incredibly well. And we saw it afterwards with Adam Sandler and Mike Myers and stuff like that. This kind of paved the way for just kind of letting somebody, letting an executive just be like, you know what? This guy's kind of funny. I see something in him. I'm just gonna let him go.

[Bill Simmons]

Right. Here's a budget.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Come up with an 86 minute movie for us. What do you have?

[Zach Lowe]

I just think it's the entire Jim Carrey experience. I mean, I don't have a great answer for this one. I just think he's. His career has gone up and down, obviously. But like, I think his performance in this movie. This is my favorite Jim Carrey movie still. And I think this performance is like the perfect distillation of how crazy he is. Yeah. As a comic superstar, I have we.

[Bill Simmons]

Mentioned earlier what a great double idea this was for a movie. These two separate things that are actually like pretty smart for a dumb comedy. Laces out makes me laugh. It's just age the best in general. When they ever. They talk about laces in a football.

[Zach Lowe]

That's a great call game.

[Bill Simmons]

I always kind of just think about that comedies where the lead policeman or detective is just a horrible driver. It always works. I don't know why everyone does do it. It's just like, oh, look at this. Oh, he drove into the garbage can. Always gets me when he does the parallel park.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Like a glove.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

1990S Miami and Miami movies in the 80s and 90s being set in Miami before it became like a cliche to put stuff there.

[Zach Lowe]

They're on south beach for like, I recognize some of the places they're running on South Me, I'm like, it doesn't even look like south beach now. Like, it's not as glitzy.

[Bill Simmons]

The Chess Rockwell and Brock Landers award for best character name. I threw this in. I really enjoy Tom Ace. It's Tom Ace.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, Tom.

[Bill Simmons]

Hi, Tom Ace.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Roger Podaktor. I was gonna say pretty good name.

[Zach Lowe]

I have two candidates for this, and one is Roger Pedacter, which is also very close to podcaster, but it's just a fun name to say. Pdactor didn't commit suicide. And then I just think, you know, Ray Finkel. How fun is that to say Ray Finkel, Ace Ventura.

[Bill Simmons]

Great name, good names. The Hans Gruber scale for villain ranking. Sean Young is the villain in this movie. I think we've got to do the Hans Gruber scale anytime there's a villain.

[Zach Lowe]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

I have her down 4 out of 10.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I mean, on the crazy scale, she might be like an eight.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you have?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Execution? Not so much.

[Zach Lowe]

Three and a half. Four. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, it's Zach's first ever flex category. I'm so excited. Can't wait to see what he has here.

[Zach Lowe]

I was going to go with. You guys aren't gonna like this. The Seth Rogen Katherine Heigl Award for worst Chemistry.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay, I'm ready for it.

[Zach Lowe]

I just find the Melissa Robinson character pretty bland. Like, where's the spice? There's the. Like, what does he see in her other than her. Other than her physical attractiveness? Does she say one funny thing in the whole movie?

[Bill Simmons]

This was, is she funny at all?

[Zach Lowe]

For one second?

[Craig Horlbeck]

I feel like you almost can't be. She needs to absorb her.

[Zach Lowe]

There's no banter. They have no banter. There's nothing. She's like a blank wall for him to throw jokes at. Except she's a pretty blank wall.

[Bill Simmons]

So I'm going to defend this in honor of Courtney Cox. I'm not.

[Zach Lowe]

I think she is. Was. Her comic ability is wasted in the movie.

[Bill Simmons]

That's a fair point. I think the trope with these movies was the. The female who's usually hot was just kind of a straight man.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I also think part of the joke is, is that he is so insane, and she doesn't bat an eye and is like, I'm into him.

[Zach Lowe]

She doesn't even realize what's happening throughout the whole movie.

[Bill Simmons]

Basically, like Happy Gilmore. It's the same thing every movie.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Just.

[Zach Lowe]

She's got a little more spunk. She's. She's like Julie Bowen. Julie Bowen in that movie's got a little more spunk.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I. I think it's intentional that every time it cuts to Courtney Cox, she's just like, oh, Ace. Like, I think that's part of the humor also. Does it make you feel.

[Zach Lowe]

It does. It's not even clear to me when and why she decides she goes from horrified by this person to, now I'm in love with this person.

[Bill Simmons]

That's because this isn't a good movie.

[Craig Horlbeck]

No, no. I'll tell you what. They didn't really build that one in the condo. The suicide crime scene, when he figures that out, that's when she falls for him. And you can see it in her eyes.

[Zach Lowe]

You can see it in her eyes.

[Bill Simmons]

See, I think for the first hour, she's either like, this guy's either a serial killer or special needs. And I can't decide. It's one of these two.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I think the character.

[Bill Simmons]

And then she's like, oh, maybe he's neither. He's just a savant.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The character of Ace is the hardest to buy when he first meets Melissa Robinson and she's describing to him the snowflake situation. He almost, like, can't interact with her. She's like, hi, nice to meet you. And he's like, hello, how are you? And she's like, did you, like, were you able to park? He's, like, making a joke about getting a hand up his ass. Like, he actually can't have a human conversation with her. And he's eating the sunflower seeds. That strains credulity a little bit, and it eases throughout the rest of the movie.

[Bill Simmons]

You know, the only moment in this entire movie when he talks in her normal voice is when she gets the phone call that the guy died. Roger Predator.

[Zach Lowe]

That's right. He goes back to that.

[Bill Simmons]

He walks in the room.

[Zach Lowe]

He's like, melissa, I'm sorry.

[Bill Simmons]

Melissa, I'm sorry. But he's not doing Ace Ventura. It's the only time in the movie.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And those moments are really good. In that same scene, I like. I don't know why this is in the movie, but they're chatting and he goes, what do you feed your dog? She's like, dog food. And he's like. He's clearly unhappy, and it's kind of serious that I don't really know why it's there, but it's really good.

[Zach Lowe]

That scene's coming up later for me.

[Bill Simmons]

The Butch's Girlfriend award for weak link of the film. I have a really hardcore one here.

[Zach Lowe]

A really what?

[Bill Simmons]

Hardcore one.

[Zach Lowe]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

Nobody would wear their 1984 AFC championship ring. Not one person.

[Zach Lowe]

I thought we had.

[Bill Simmons]

Absurd.

[Zach Lowe]

I was thinking of humans.

[Bill Simmons]

We have what stage? The worst coming up where we're gonna cover the problem with this movie.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The idea that everybody associated with that game still wears the ring.

[Bill Simmons]

Every single person's like, you know, is the highlight of my career. The AFC title game 10 years ago that I won, and then we lost in the Super Bowl. And I'm just gonna. First of all, people, as. As you guys both know, people don't normally wear their rings anyway because they're big and heavy and cumbersome. You're definitely not wearing your AFC championship ring. And if you did, that's like, maybe three guys on the team. So that plots just falling sideways.

[Zach Lowe]

The Heat people stand out in the NBA community because they often wear their championship rings, at least one of them. And people, they are sometimes gently mocked for doing it, but they do it well.

[Bill Simmons]

You know, who does it? We don't have to name names, but the owners wear the rings. They're the ones that wear them because they love nothing more than somebody noticing the ring, pointing it out and asking to put it on. And they're like, oh, you're sure?

[Craig Horlbeck]

And they're the most important to the. To the win. To the championship.

[Bill Simmons]

This is like their. Their walking trophy wife. Basically.

[Zach Lowe]

Joe Laker made the warriors light years ahead.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Don't.

[Bill Simmons]

That's true.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Don't get me started.

[Bill Simmons]

But the players don't wear them. Have you ever seen a player wearing a. One of their rings? The irony of these rings is it's like, gotta get the ring. And then you put it in a.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Safety deposit box to continue on. Your point. Why would these people be wearing these rings? Also, you know, Finkel loses the gem in the ring in the tub. Why would she be wearing that when she's stealing the dolphin?

[Bill Simmons]

Why? She wouldn't. That's because she has a dumb movie.

[Zach Lowe]

And also, you're. She's not. She's not trying to advertise that she's in disguise. Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Why is she wearing the ring at all?

[Bill Simmons]

What'd you have for Weak Link?

[Zach Lowe]

I wouldn't ask too many questions about the plot, actually, when once you start.

[Bill Simmons]

To unravel, it's tough.

[Zach Lowe]

I went a little more literal. I had the blandness of the Courteney Cox character. Also don't really get why Tone Loke is in the movie. I wish Tone loked it up a little bit more, but, you know, but I. And I mean, I'm going to talk more football later, but I think the football parts of it are a little wanting.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Mine was just the resolution of the movie is probably the weak link now, you know?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. It looks like it was a TV movie made by, I don't know, pbs.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The Hemorrhoids Reveal and all of that. You know, aside from it not aging well, it's just like kind of a weak resolution, I think.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, you meant the actual resolution. Yeah, I thought you meant the resolution of the. Of the picture. No, you meant the resolution.

[Zach Lowe]

I mean the literal resolution, the intricate plot.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, well, that's the problem. Every comedy from this era had a bad ending.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I'm half tying it into the fact that it's like, obviously, yeah. Inappropriate, but it is kind of like if that wasn't there, probably a little bit more watchable.

[Bill Simmons]

Did this movie have a porn parody? Well, I looked it up and it did, and it's called. It came out in 1995 and it's called Ass Ventura Crack Detective, directed by Herschel Savage.

[Craig Horlbeck]

What's the plot? Can you explain?

[Zach Lowe]

I mean, she calls him Pet Dick in the movie that's waiting that you don't have to change it that much, you know, they did.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Are animals involved or did they kind.

[Bill Simmons]

Of move away from it? Honestly, I thought about doing more research and decided I didn't want to get a virus.

[Craig Horlbeck]

You could go to a dark place quick with the animals.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, the porn parody thing. You want to search for it on IMDb but you don't actually want to click on a link.

[Zach Lowe]

What was it called?

[Bill Simmons]

Ass Ventura Crack Detective.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's not even good.

[Zach Lowe]

Crack's kind of a stretch. Like that doesn't rhyme with it. Like, I understand why it's there, but.

[Bill Simmons]

Now I got to call this up because I didn't write down what the guy's name is.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Terrible. You could have just said Sex Detective.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, Crack Detective. So his name is Ashford. As Ventura searches for Fanny, the life of the wife of Los Angeles Mayor Peter Rumford.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I feel like they could have cast.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm getting a virus. I got to get out of this.

[Craig Horlbeck]

They could have cast the same woman from the first scene of the movie. Probably in the porn parody as well.

[Zach Lowe]

Easily.

[Bill Simmons]

Maybe she double dipped.

[Zach Lowe]

A more acrobatic and entertaining sex scene than the Courtney Cox Jim Carrey sex scene that.

[Craig Horlbeck]

That opening scene when he's like, you people sure are friendly around here. He's like riding on the door.

[Bill Simmons]

We're gonna take one more break and do what's age the worst.

[Zach Lowe]

Buckle up. Oh, boy.

[Bill Simmons]

This episode is brought to you by the active cash credit card from Wells Fargo. That's a mouthful, but that's because it packs a lot in. Earn unlimited 2% cash rewards on purchases with it, big or small. So whether it's buying tickets to the game or grabbing a coffee, it earns unlimited 2% cash rewards on purchases. Say it with me. The active cash credit card from Wells Fargo. Be a 2 PERCENTER. Learn more at Wells Fargo.com ActiveCash Terms of Play this episode is brought to you by Firehouse Subs. Who just dropped a game changing sandwich? The French dip. Literally one of my favorite sandwiches slash subs. Roast beef, caramelized onions, melty cheese, little freshly toasted garlic butter roll, and the warm savory au jus. I've been eating these forever since I was living on the east coast in la. I think to me, this versus the cheesesteak. The French dip. No contest. Way better. And I think it's really because of the au jus. I don't know anybody who doesn't like au jus. An elite game day sub. Fun to order, by the way, if you want it delivered. Cause they usually put the au jus in the special little container. You can pour it on. Knock yourself out. The French tip here for a limited time. I wish it was longer. Only at Firehouse Subs. Limited time at participating Firehouse Subs restaurants while supplies last. All right, what stage? The worst. We could spend 30 minutes on this or we could spend 30 seconds. I vote for 30 seconds. The trans stuff in this movie is tough 30 plus years later. Not going to defend it. It's 1994. This is just how it was in 1994. The one thing I will say about. So the Crying Game was a cultural phenomenon when it came out maybe 18 months earlier, was a huge movie. The reveal was like keep the reveal a secret. It was stuff that would never happen now on the Internet. And they're trying to parody the Crying Game in this, which I'm not sure anyone under 30 would even know that they're doing. Carrie said, I want it to be the biggest, most obnoxious, homophobic reaction ever recorded. He's parody in the Crying Game thing, obviously it's not aged well. Naked Gun 3 also did a twist this 9020 in the sophomore year season finale episodes in Palm Springs also went down this road where Steve Sanders thought he was going to hook up with this girl. And it turned out he had a little surprise coming. So this was in the air in the mid-90s. So we just have to put it in context. I'm sure you guys don't have anything to add. We could just move on. Great.

[Zach Lowe]

Not great.

[Bill Simmons]

Star Trek impressions have aged the worst because that show came out in 1966. And I wrote down Melissa liking Ace.

[Zach Lowe]

What is.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I thought the same thing until I read that she literally liked him in real life, watching him on set. So how can you say maybe he.

[Bill Simmons]

Just wears you down?

[Craig Horlbeck]

She even said that he was toned down in rehearsal. And when they actually started filming for real and he started going big, that was when she was like, oh, my God, this is the funniest man I've ever met. And I started to develop a crush on him. Okay, so how can we deny Courteney Cox's feelings?

[Bill Simmons]

She's full of a lot of love and she loved laughing.

[Zach Lowe]

The only thing I would add to age the worst and I would. This could also be my hot take category. I think some of the big jokes are just flat out not funny. Like, I think talking out of the ass is not funny.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, I think that just hurts my heart.

[Zach Lowe]

I think the Tex Cobb one where he's in the car chase and he Says assholes in the mirror appear closer than they appear. Like, lame. There are a couple lame. Just flat lames.

[Bill Simmons]

But here's the thing. He's firing 12 threes a game. He's. He's just trying to go four. Feels like for 12.

[Zach Lowe]

Some of them are scripted in ways that like, the writers are like, we got to hit this one hard. Like, this feels like a landmark joke. And I think almost all of them are like whiffs or foul balls.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It also varies between, like, that's pretty funny to a 12 year old. Maybe not funny to an 18 year old.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, I guess. What are they going for, right? They're not. They're not going for me right now in 2026.

[Bill Simmons]

Can I ask you a question? Is a fucking murderer's row comedy for a six year old? I can just tell you from my.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Two kids, Assholio and Sodomia.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The best part about that is it cuts way to Shan Young and then it cuts back to show that, like he's still going and still doing the ass thing. Like been going on for a while.

[Zach Lowe]

The best part of that is.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And now he's singing.

[Zach Lowe]

I think the best part of that is Ton Lok being like legitimately terrified that he's going to get in trouble because a Ventura is around at his desk. And it's somehow. It's supposed to.

[Bill Simmons]

He breaks at the end of it to L. You can see him starting to be like this guy, like, just starting to laugh at the end.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I have a couple. What's.

[Bill Simmons]

Age of the words go.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The ending credits song. Did you hear it?

[Bill Simmons]

Do you know that it's bad?

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's a Tone Loke song. But Jim Carrey does the intro and he goes, yes, Tone, put that big ass size 13 on and kick it for the homies. That's like the very beginning of the credit.

[Bill Simmons]

That's the last time a white person ever tried to say a sentence like that.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It just doesn't really work. Professional sports teams having live animal mascots. Oh, not really a thing anymore.

[Bill Simmons]

See, I don't know if you know Zach's background with mascots.

[Zach Lowe]

I'm a big mascot.

[Bill Simmons]

He's like, probably.

[Zach Lowe]

He means like, I mean live. Like I'm saying actual trap.

[Bill Simmons]

I know you're. This is one of your corners.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah. But if you were, I. I have no objection to that. Because if you replaced Snowflake, the real dolphin.

[Bill Simmons]

No, I'm saying you're. You're excited that this topic came out.

[Zach Lowe]

Oh, I'm very excited. I want to talk more about the Eagles mascot getting the crap kicked out of it at the end of the game.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I have an issue with that that we'll get to, but. Yeah. Can you think of a professional or a collegiate sports team that still has a live animal? Some do.

[Bill Simmons]

There's the Georgia Bulldog, PETA, but it's.

[Craig Horlbeck]

A dog, so there's no, you know.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, the Buffalo runs out. But we don't really know what's happening with the Buffalo at Colorado games. Like in its general life where it's bulldog strong.

[Bill Simmons]

I like the bulldog idea, but it's.

[Craig Horlbeck]

A dog, so it's not really animal.

[Bill Simmons]

Dogs are good.

[Zach Lowe]

The Celtics have an actual human being who's just a human without a costume, really, as their mascot. I don't know where that falls.

[Bill Simmons]

What's your number one mascot right now? NBA right now.

[Zach Lowe]

It's hard to argue with Benny the Bull. Benny the Bull or the Raptor would be number one and two stuff. The Magic Dragon. Most underrated.

[Bill Simmons]

What was the worst mascot of the last 20 years for you?

[Zach Lowe]

Well, they murdered the Brooklyn Knight, the creatively named Brooklyn Knight who was like part Marvel superhero, part like knight, and descended from the ceiling.

[Bill Simmons]

That came out of some sort of marketing meeting going on.

[Zach Lowe]

And then they were like, let's just pretend this never happened.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, he left. I like when they pretend the mascot never happened.

[Zach Lowe]

As my favorite version, the mascot Gucci, his planet.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Did the dolphins have a real dolphin? Was that accurate?

[Zach Lowe]

I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't think so. People go to a football game, they guess what they want to do. Get drunk in the parking lot before the game and then watch football. They don't care. Like, oh, there's a dolphin.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Does LSU have a tiger? Did they have a tiger?

[Zach Lowe]

I think they have a tiger. I think it's in like a cage. It comes out.

[Bill Simmons]

Pete is protesting it now anymore.

[Craig Horlbeck]

No.

[Bill Simmons]

The Dorfler's door award for how much did that hurt? I threw this in there because I wanted to ask you guys. Falling off of three story roof into a bunch of garbage bags. I feel like that would hurt more than it does in movies. We talked about this in another podcast recently.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Where people jump into the dumpster and it always works out perfectly with garbage bags. You never land on a broken wine bottle or like somebody put a chainsaw in there. Just always like a nice comfy thing. I just have some questions.

[Zach Lowe]

This is a great. You're speaking some of these ideas into existence as we were doing earlier.

[Bill Simmons]

So would that hurt?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, there are probably. I mean, there's A scene where two henchmen take a giant metal hook to the head. That's probably the one that'll take you out.

[Zach Lowe]

That's a good one.

[Bill Simmons]

That would hurt the Ruffalo Hannah Ribbon Partridge overacting.

[Zach Lowe]

I have an answer for what hurts the most.

[Bill Simmons]

What is it?

[Zach Lowe]

When during the asylum visit, when he reaches the end of his performance and he just smacks his head down into, like, a leather bench. Great guy. I'm like, it looks like he actually just straight up at full velocity smacked his head into a leather bench. I'm sure it's padded and all that, but I'm like, he went hard in that.

[Craig Horlbeck]

You have to respect it. That's what I'm saying.

[Bill Simmons]

Stefan Diggs had one of those in the AFC title game when he headbutted the guy with the helmet on, and he didn't have a helmet. These guys are nuts.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Didn't Vrabel do that to somebody leading? Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Ruffalo Hannah Ruben Partridge overacting. Word. I don't know how this doesn't go to Sean Young.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's. It's. And there's one moment of Torah, like.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know what she's going for with the overactive. Just so into it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The final scene when they're in the warehouse and he's exposing her as a man, she's, like, convulsing. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

What does she do?

[Zach Lowe]

It's one of the most bizarre. Every time I watch that, I'm like, whose choice was this? Did she.

[Bill Simmons]

It's like she's having a seizure.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It is.

[Zach Lowe]

Did she go to the director and be like. I think what my character would do would just wobble here with a weird look on their face.

[Bill Simmons]

What if she just have like, an evil look on her face? Yes.

[Craig Horlbeck]

She's having, like. I guess it's a psychotic breakdown, but she's, like, twitching and sweating and shaking.

[Bill Simmons]

It's very strange. Well, this is exciting. Zach gets to do the CR Thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford. Hottest takeaward for the first time.

[Zach Lowe]

I already did them all. Oh, okay. My three were all the big jokes. Whiff. Courtney Cox is bland.

[Bill Simmons]

Those aren't hottest takes.

[Zach Lowe]

Those are not hot enough. Those are pretty hot takes.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The name of the category is Chris Ryan thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison.

[Bill Simmons]

The hottest take has to be if. If Steph Curry never met Klay Thompson, we wouldn't know who he was. It's gotta be like, whoa.

[Zach Lowe]

I don't know if I have one.

[Bill Simmons]

That Craig will teach you how to do this.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I Genuinely think Jim Carrey should have gotten an Oscar nomination for this role.

[Zach Lowe]

I flirted with that. And I thought maybe it's too ridiculous to say.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I mean, you want to talk about a singular performance, something that is irreplaceable, that you cannot have anybody slot in and do find me a role that somebody else could do.

[Bill Simmons]

Who do we have in the category? Do you have it?

[Craig Horlbeck]

I'll pull it back up.

[Zach Lowe]

Okay.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Best actor in a leading role. 95. Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump, Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption. Oh, Nigel Hawthorne, the Madness of King George.

[Bill Simmons]

Probably would do that one again.

[Craig Horlbeck]

John Travolta, Pulp Fiction and Paul Newman. Nobody's Fool.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a career achievement Oscar.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Even though he'd already tell me what Carrie is doing in this. From a commitment and acting and can this person be replaced? Perspective is one of one. Nobody can do what he did and make $100 million doing it.

[Bill Simmons]

So a couple things, and I've said this on my pod. I've argued about this with Sean. I do think the comedy, like, if they want to make the Oscars more fun, like, funniest performance of the year.

[Craig Horlbeck]

They should do that.

[Zach Lowe]

Well, now it's all a mess with these different. The Golden Globes was a complete mess with trying to. What counts as a comedy, what's not a comedy? None of these movies are actually funny.

[Craig Horlbeck]

They split it between musical and comedy and drama. Just to nominate more movies and give it.

[Bill Simmons]

The other idea that's sitting there is MVP for the year. And it would have to be somebody that was in at least two important movies or influential movies or whatever. Like, Carrie's the MVP of 94. He puts out three comedies. He makes whatever. Nobody else is competing. Hank's had Forrest Gump. That's it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Nobody else is competing with that. And if you think in 94, you probably think I carry first, that should be commemorated in some way.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah. Like next year, Tom Holland is in the Odyssey. He's in Spider Man. He's in Avengers. But it kind of turns into do your movies gross the most money?

[Bill Simmons]

No, but I don't even think it has to do that. Just like if you're in two. Three different things. If you direct two movies in the same year, there's some sort of. Or you make a movie and then you produce another movie.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I even think best comedic performance would be great because they rarely give nominations to those people.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And it would recognize them. Such a bummer. Because they're some of the hardest things to do as an actor is be funny.

[Bill Simmons]

My hottest take, I think Marino and Ace Ventura, who we didn't really talk about. Damn. Marino. I think it's the fourth best athlete playing himself. Cameo of all time, I think. Not third. Not second. Not first, but I think fourth.

[Zach Lowe]

I mean, I think he's, like, bad.

[Bill Simmons]

No, I think it's important. I think he's funny. He's staying Dan Marino. He's keeping the course. He's like, this is who I am. I'm not going to try to act. I'm just going to be Dan Marino. I think he's kind of funny. I think it's funny that he's not funny. So here's what I have. The Mount Rushmore, for me is Kareem and Airplane, Reggie Jackson and Naked Gun and Mike Tyson in the Hangover, along with Dan Marino on the Cus.

[Zach Lowe]

Those first three are so much better than Maria.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I needed a fourth for Mount Rushmore.

[Zach Lowe]

You've got to be able to do better.

[Bill Simmons]

Jeter and the other guys. Other guys, anybody?

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's brief. It's a cameo.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a cameo. Favre. And there's something about Mary.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Pretty good.

[Bill Simmons]

Which sets up the Brett Favreau joke. And Ken Griffey in Little Big League as himself. Yeah, but it's. There's not a lot of. We've had athletes playing characters or Shaq playing, like, neon, like, stuff like that. But not like I'm playing myself in this thing. I'm not disrupting the mov. And it's kind of fun that I'm here. I think Marino checks all the boxes.

[Zach Lowe]

No. No Space Jam. Nobody.

[Bill Simmons]

I can't count Space Jam.

[Zach Lowe]

I think Space Jam is bad, but.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I'd say, Nana. I'd. There's a reason it hasn't been on rewatchables.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I think it's also surprising that Dan Marino's in this movie. Dan Marino's like, 32, 33 when they film this. So, like.

[Zach Lowe]

Well, in his prime, both him and Don Shula.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Right.

[Zach Lowe]

Like, it's like, how. Why did you say.

[Bill Simmons]

I gotta say, it was. It was a big deal that Dan Marino was in this movie with the equivalent of Jim Kelly being in this movie now.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Because, again, like, as we said, no one knew this movie was going to be a thing.

[Bill Simmons]

That's the thing. It's. It makes no sense that, like, did.

[Zach Lowe]

Dan Marino read the script and think, you know what?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, it's kind of weird.

[Zach Lowe]

I like this.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I'm going to be legitimately in this movie and get kidnapped. I mean, I don't even the 2026 parallel is like, they're making Kelly. They're making them. Well, no, it's got. It would be like they're making a movie with Marcelo Hernandez where Patrick Mahomes gets kidnapped.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And then instead of Tone Loke, it's like Benson Boone is the side character in it. Like, I just. That would never happen. I can't believe they did it.

[Bill Simmons]

I can't believe he did it. And I love that he's in it. And he was really famous. It was Montana Marino in LA were the three QBs for 12 years. Those were the guys Shula I'd forgotten about.

[Zach Lowe]

And it's. It's two seconds.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Funny, too.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

You think Marino's agent was like, I think you should do this movie. And Marino's like the white guy and in Living color. What happens? I get kidnapped.

[Zach Lowe]

Dude.

[Bill Simmons]

No, no. This would be good for you, Dan.

[Craig Horlbeck]

How much get to make out with Sean Young? He's like, all right.

[Zach Lowe]

How much more money did Jim Carrey get than Dan Marino for their respective work in this movie?

[Bill Simmons]

So if Jim Carrey got 350, Marino probably got at least 50K.

[Zach Lowe]

Marino. Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Or the same amount.

[Zach Lowe]

I can't believe Dan Marino is doing this for, like, less than 100,000.

[Bill Simmons]

Did isotone or pay for the Marino cameo.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Ooh.

[Bill Simmons]

Casting what ifs.

[Zach Lowe]

Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

Filmmakers first approach. Rick Moranis, who declined.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I think the entire casting what ifs for Ace Ventura is in what stage the worst.

[Bill Simmons]

Whoopi Goldberg.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah. They flirted with a pet detective.

[Bill Simmons]

David Alan Greer turned it down. Lauren Holly turned down the female lead that went to Courtney Cox. Daniel Stern was supposed to direct.

[Craig Horlbeck]

There's a couple others for Ace. Judd Nelson.

[Bill Simmons]

Judd Nelson.

[Zach Lowe]

I was like, that feels like the Internet.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I didn't believe.

[Bill Simmons]

I didn't believe that.

[Zach Lowe]

Feels like the Internet made that up.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And then Alan Rickman again, I didn't. What are we.

[Bill Simmons]

See, Craig, this is why I decipher it through my shit detector when I read these. You got. Especially when you go on IMDb when they have the trivia, but halfway down, it gets like. It feels like you and I could just type stuff in, Right? Like, Zach Lowe is considered to be Ace Ventura. That could just get in.

[Zach Lowe]

Now, Alan Rickman did. Did. What's the Star wars parody that he did that he's fantastic in? No, Alan Rickman.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Oh, sorry, I thought you're saying Miranda.

[Zach Lowe]

The space movie where they're making the TV show where he's very funny in that movie. Tim Allen's in it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Oh, Galaxy Quest.

[Zach Lowe]

Yes, yes. So he had like a little fun side to him. But this is like this movie doesn't exist. You can't possibly imagine Alan Rickman in this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

I do believe Rick Moranis, though, and I think he was still famous enough that it could have happened. Best that guy. So Ace's landlord.

[Zach Lowe]

Yes, that's it. That's the one.

[Craig Horlbeck]

That is the guy.

[Bill Simmons]

He was Sosa's hitman from Scarface that Tony kills in the car.

[Craig Horlbeck]

He's also Hector Salamanca.

[Bill Simmons]

Look at you now.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, Hector Salamanca from Breaking Bad.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, he's the guy in the wheelchair. He's funny in this movie. I heard the animals scratching around.

[Zach Lowe]

He's really. He goes for it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I heard them animals in there.

[Bill Simmons]

Ventura, the fat guy, the fat cow cop, that's that heckles. Ace is one of those guys and he was on Seinfeld. He's been so.

[Zach Lowe]

I, I did.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know what that guy's name is.

[Zach Lowe]

I did his. It's John something. It's a long last name. I did his IMDb because he was going to be my answer for overacting heat check award because he, every line he delivered, like he steps on the bug. He's like, homicide Ventura. How you going to solve that one? Yeah, it's like just so over the top.

[Bill Simmons]

Damn waiters. Zach says no Dan Marino. It's got to be the mom. Ray Finkel's mom. Right.

[Zach Lowe]

What was the.

[Bill Simmons]

What is the Dan waiter's biggest heat check?

[Craig Horlbeck]

I mean.

[Zach Lowe]

Both great candidates.

[Craig Horlbeck]

She commands that house for two minutes.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, it's a great.

[Bill Simmons]

She's kind of weird looking. Yeah. I just, I, I dig her performance in this.

[Zach Lowe]

It's great.

[Bill Simmons]

The gonorrhea line kills me. Recasting couch. Director City. I wanted more Dolphins. More Miami Dolphins. I just would have appreciated. Maybe they didn't have that many famous Dolphins at the time, but I would have put more NFL players in there.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I like when he chloroforms the guy, tackles him to the ground.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, that's a crime. It's a pretty serious crime.

[Bill Simmons]

The tone look part, I, I do think that would be the one I would really look hard at.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Like if we're going pie in the sky, like, that's just Eddie Murphy for two scenes. If we're going realistic, like, why not run back one of the In Living Color guys? Like, just get Tommy Davidson to be Tone Loke.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Because Tone Loke was quite famous at the time. Right.

[Bill Simmons]

He had Funky Cole Benini's producer and.

[Craig Horlbeck]

He had what's doesn't he have another one? Does he have Wild Thing?

[Zach Lowe]

He had two or three huge.

[Bill Simmons]

I guess he had Wild Thing too.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know. Nobody's going to the movie to go see Tone Loke. No offense to Tone Loke.

[Zach Lowe]

I think the Sean Young character you can recast with. With 25 different people and it.

[Bill Simmons]

Sharon Stone. Whoa, Craig, you have a flex that you got?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Okay, I. I created a new category and I figured it was time to introduce this because this happens in every movie we do. That's in the 80s and 90s. It's the millennial MIS reference power ranking. And these are all the things that happen in this movie that when I saw it and even half of them to this day, it goes right over my head. Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Document? No idea what that meant. The. The Crying Game song. No idea what that was. The Captain's log. I just can't do it, Captain. No idea what that was. For God's sakes, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man. No idea what that was. By the way, he asked for Banaka at one point.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah. Ass does. Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I don't know what baka is.

[Bill Simmons]

Is. Banaka doesn't exist anymore.

[Zach Lowe]

It's breath spray.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Zach Lowe]

It was big around that time. That was a big time for Banaka.

[Craig Horlbeck]

There's a line where Ventura says, busted out of a mental institute, did a Claude Rains, and he's been plotting his revenge for years. I don't know what Claude Rains means.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm not even sure I know who Claude Rains is.

[Zach Lowe]

I think he was an actor I used to know. My brain forgot.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I have exorcised the demons.

[Zach Lowe]

It's another big joke that I don't like. I think that that's. That scene is one joke too long. And that's the joke which I learned.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Is from Poltergeist, which I have since seen. That this house is clear.

[Bill Simmons]

It's the short lady.

[Zach Lowe]

I hated that. That's the hammer. They intend that to be the hammer of that sequence. And it's. It doesn't ruin it, but it taints it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Couple more just Tone Loke in general, didn't know who that was or why he was in that movie.

[Bill Simmons]

Look, in general.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I had to look it up for the funky Cole Medina song. Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss a coffee. I didn't know at the time. Right over my head and then. Lovely party. Pity I wasn't invited. Sean Connery didn't know it at the time.

[Bill Simmons]

So Good category.

[Zach Lowe]

So many things that very good category.

[Craig Horlbeck]

When you're 14 or whatever. I laughed at all of it. No idea what any of it meant.

[Zach Lowe]

I mean, strong. But I had the same experience in 1994. I didn't. What? Didn't watch Star Trek. The Captain Steuben line. I wouldn't have got it all. The pool man line. I wouldn't have got it all. Like a lot of that at that time. Despite that I'm fact that I'm much older than a millennial, I would not have gotten it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And you know what? I think it makes the case for making cultural references in movies because everybody tries not to do that anymore. Because it's like, oh, in five years nobody will get it. And I don't think it matters. I think if the movie is funny and the character is funny, that stuff will age in a fun way, like an Easter egg kind of way.

[Bill Simmons]

The only time I've really seen it be damaging was Wayne's World 2, where it was beyond the cultural references. And the whole thing is basically a parody of the movie the Doors that you wouldn't know if five years later what was going on.

[Craig Horlbeck]

If the whole movie is one reference that nobody gets that stuff.

[Bill Simmons]

But I'm with you.

[Zach Lowe]

I.

[Bill Simmons]

One of the reasons I like when people do that, not. Not just because I get all the jokes, it does firmly place you in whatever year the movie was made, right?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So if you did it now, somebody would make like a Stranger Things joke or something and it would just like belong to 2026.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah. Like if somebody, like was doing something, got a little bloody nose from Stranger Things and they didn't. They didn't acknowledge it, that would be great.

[Bill Simmons]

And my daughter would love that.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yes.

[Bill Simmons]

Half asset center research. We did a lot of these. One of my favorite things in the research was Jennifer Aniston once told a story about visiting Courtney Cox and bringing a copy of the movie to watch. And Courtney Cox refused to watch it. Was apparently embarrassed by it. Again, real life Dolphins kicker Pete Saranovich filled in for Sean Young and did the kick and did. Nailed all the takes.

[Zach Lowe]

So he's got the wig on. They brought Pete Soanovich in, put a wig on.

[Craig Horlbeck]

You can kind of tell if you watch it.

[Bill Simmons]

Put the interesting twist wrinkle to this after the movie comes out. Marino. One of his best chances. I can't remember if it was 94 or 95. One of his best chances to make the Super Bowl. Probably his last big chance. I think it was for the 95. When the Chargers made it and they lost. They're beating the Chargers 21 6. Chargers come back, take the lead. 22, 21. The reason I remember this score is because I had wagers on this game.

[Zach Lowe]

There was no question why you remembered the score.

[Bill Simmons]

Marino gets the ball with 30 seconds left. I think I'm remembering this right. Long pass interference to get into field goal range for Pete Stanovich, who missed the field goal. Wow. Ended their season.

[Zach Lowe]

I do. I do.

[Bill Simmons]

Curse of Ace Ventura.

[Zach Lowe]

I do say I do when I watch movies that have heartbreaking sports moments. And this one, like, Scott Norwood can never watch this movie. Like, think about the things the scouts.

[Bill Simmons]

It is. They said, like Crying Game. It's like a parody of the Scott Norwood thing, too. They made it 26 yards, which is like Gary Anderson. Billy Cundiff's, like, the only one who's missed.

[Zach Lowe]

Gary Anderson could never watch this movie. No. Couldn't watch it.

[Bill Simmons]

Not sure. Hopefully the Patriots kicker won't have the experience of being scarred by this.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Speaking of. I mean, Dan Marino getting abducted right before the Super Bowl. Who are they playing? The 2025 Patriots.

[Zach Lowe]

Wow.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Somebody keep an eye on Darnold this week.

[Zach Lowe]

I do think the. The. The super bowl, it looks like the least. The least amount of pageantry, the least hyped crowd ever for a Super Bowl. And no one seems.

[Bill Simmons]

It's really bad.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Marino was. Was kidnapped.

[Bill Simmons]

No.

[Zach Lowe]

And no one seems like that concerned. Like, the super bowl is just going on despite this.

[Bill Simmons]

And nitpicks keep a police.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Super bowl is happening.

[Bill Simmons]

Traffic for the super bowl is a fucking nightmare. And even in 1984 was a nightmare. And they're just like, yeah, let's get him the game easily. Get him in the game.

[Zach Lowe]

And he comes back at halftime. And they just announced, like, and Dan Marino's back. And everyone'.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, great.

[Zach Lowe]

It's gonna be an exciting second half.

[Bill Simmons]

Apex Mountain, Carrie. Not yet, but we're close. I think it's after Year, right? I think it's after Dumb and Dumber. That's it. Courtney Cox. We're not there yet, but we're moving in the vicinity. I think it's Scream. I think it's Scream and Friends at the same time. Dan Marino. No, it's the mid-80s for Dan Marino. Three straight years leading the league and passing makes Super Bowl. Seems like he's going to be the best quarterback of all time.

[Zach Lowe]

Time.

[Bill Simmons]

The Dolphins since their last title in 1972. I think this is arguably the apex for them the last 30 years. This is it. Like, we were the team in Ace Ventura. What else is good has happened to them?

[Zach Lowe]

We don't know if they win the super bowl though.

[Bill Simmons]

And Ace Ventura, they probably could have slid that into.

[Craig Horlbeck]

We know the score at halftime.

[Bill Simmons]

No. No idea.

[Zach Lowe]

We don't.

[Bill Simmons]

They don't care. They're not interested. Miami movies though. Pet Detectives. Yes. Jim Carrey's 1994 just in general is just a general apex mountain for comedy actors.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Do you think this is the. The best 1994 Jim Carrey movie?

[Bill Simmons]

No.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Dumb and Dumber.

[Bill Simmons]

I would go Dumb and Dumber. Ace Ventura mask.

[Zach Lowe]

I agree.

[Bill Simmons]

But I think if you're talking about a one year comedy actor year, I think this is probably it.

[Zach Lowe]

I mean I can't believe I. I don't even particularly like the mask. I. It's fine.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I don't either.

[Zach Lowe]

The one two punch of Ace Ventur and Dumb and Dumber is.

[Bill Simmons]

And the mask just being in the middle making a shitload of money.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I think it made the most.

[Zach Lowe]

You. You could just retire after that.

[Bill Simmons]

AFC championship rings. I think this is the apex mountain. It's the only time anyone there was this much dialogue about it.

[Zach Lowe]

All right.

[Bill Simmons]

Cruz or Hanks?

[Zach Lowe]

Hanks.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Right.

[Zach Lowe]

It tanks to play Ace Ventura.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

No hard disagree.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Tom Cruise.

[Bill Simmons]

Cruise. Oh my God, Zach. And here's why I knew the wheels would come off for you.

[Zach Lowe]

How Tom hanks is like Mr. Mr. Americana.

[Bill Simmons]

But you didn't see. You didn't see Bachelor Party. 80s Tom Hanks.

[Zach Lowe]

First of all. How dare you?

[Bill Simmons]

80S Tom Hanks could have been Ace Ventura.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Hanks can be goofy Tom Cruise.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm not talking about turn up the goofy.

[Zach Lowe]

I'm not talking about goofy movie. I'm talking about in some of the smug nastier moments of this movie you can see the seeds of like what becomes not quite the cable guy, but that. That level of smugness and meanness. Like I can't believe we haven't discussed the scene where we're going to get to it. I hope where bam, bam, bam. He hits Courtney Cox with three of the nastiest insults in a row. Like rapid fire. Like that's just okay. And like. Like Cruz has that little darkness in his arsenal that I just don't think Tom Hanks has. And physicality. No, no, come. You need some physicality. I'm not sweating you guys. Tom Hanks. Imagine Tom Hanks making faces and doing these. So you can't do it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I can't overstate how fucking weird it would be if Tom Cruise is trying to be Ace Ventura. It just wouldn't work.

[Bill Simmons]

Tom Cruise is only done comedy once in 40 years and he had to wear a fat suit.

[Craig Horlbeck]

He was in a disguise, basically.

[Zach Lowe]

It's not going to work. None of this is going to work. This is a one man unicorn performance. But I'm picking Cruz over Hanks if I have to.

[Bill Simmons]

You got outvoted because we both pick Hanks.

[Zach Lowe]

Well, you're wrong.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. You lost two to one.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I wanted to. Can I quickly do a couple other half assed Internet researches that I found?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I watched this movie twice in the last two days. On the second watch, there is a scene when Ventura and Einhorn kiss and they're kind of hanging out in her office. On the desk is a banana with two apples next to it on her desk.

[Bill Simmons]

Like a clue.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yes. Had no idea. And then one other thing I thought was cool was that I don't know if either of you had the VHS for this movie, but it came with the Ace Ventura card in the VHS and you could put it in your wallet, which I thought was cool.

[Zach Lowe]

I did have the VHS of this movie and I don't remember that. Yeah, maybe I just didn't notice it.

[Bill Simmons]

Or I don't think I got the vhs.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's a great idea.

[Bill Simmons]

Scorsese or Spielberg?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Is it bad? I kind of went Scorsese.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, I voted Scorsese 1000% Scorsese. And I repeat everything I said about why it has to be Cruise.

[Bill Simmons]

A dark.

[Zach Lowe]

There's a darkness and a smugness to this character that Spielberg is just not going to tap into.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Tom Cruise. Hello, Satan.

[Bill Simmons]

Scorsese would make him a cocaine addict and probably really blow it out. He's in the Miami drug scene.

[Zach Lowe]

He would, he would have just. He would have straight up murdered the guy with the chloroform. That guy would be dead.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Who'd you have for best Tang?

[Zach Lowe]

Worst thing, best hang. I debated between Ray Finkel's mom. Seems like a great time. Get some cookies, hear some stories about Ray. And I just think I would go out for beers after work with Roger Podaktor. Just seems like a good guy, cares about his job, fun guy to be around, no nonsense. Lives in a great penthouse apartment in Miami. I think he deserves a little love.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, he thought Einhorn was into him.

[Bill Simmons]

I think Zach, like, knowing how Zach operates when he's on these road trips, when he was like, yeah, I'm going with the Toronto, the head scout. Or like he'd be like, yeah, I'm in Miami. Roger Productor and I are getting drinks.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, Roger Productor just told me they might trade. They might trade for Jay Fiedler.

[Bill Simmons]

I had Rebecca for best tank just because she's cute.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Rebecca.

[Bill Simmons]

I think Ace would be the worst. Not Rebecca. What's her name?

[Zach Lowe]

Melissa?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Courtney?

[Bill Simmons]

Melissa.

[Zach Lowe]

She's worse. She's on my list for worst hang.

[Bill Simmons]

No, she's great.

[Zach Lowe]

Come on. Completely uninteresting. What am I going to talk to her about?

[Craig Horlbeck]

You don't have to talk.

[Zach Lowe]

Apparently what I can do is just insult her endlessly and there's no repercussions at all.

[Bill Simmons]

Which I guess is a great hang.

[Craig Horlbeck]

My best hang. I'd like to spend a night with Woodstock. The guy who works underneath a concert venue. He's on my hacking whaling fleets.

[Zach Lowe]

He's on my list.

[Craig Horlbeck]

That's probably a fun night with him.

[Bill Simmons]

These movies always have a guy like that who's just. He's in one scene. He's just in some lair doing weird shit.

[Zach Lowe]

I thought you had a challenge for me.

[Craig Horlbeck]

They're like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm hacking a whaling fleet. Like, what?

[Bill Simmons]

I have Ace for worst hang. I think after 10 minutes, you'd want to, like, put a gun to your head. Like, all right, Ace, I get it.

[Zach Lowe]

I went.

[Bill Simmons]

I went Einhorn picking dance. Who fed Ace's pets all day?

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's a good question.

[Bill Simmons]

There's like 20 pets in there, and he's gone for long stretches of time. Does he have a pet feeder? Pet walker who's walking the dog?

[Craig Horlbeck]

He doesn't even particularly seem like a really good pet owner for how much he loves pets. Yeah, they all are jammed in his apartment. He has no money, so he can't feed them.

[Bill Simmons]

What does that apartment smell like? Like you're bringing a girl back there. That thing must smell like zoo.

[Craig Horlbeck]

He kind of had no issue with the fact that. That Snowflake was a dolphin that they. They used for show. You know, that. That wasn't a problem.

[Bill Simmons]

So is your take. Ace Ventura didn't actually like pets that much. It was just a job.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I don't know. He clearly felt a connection to him.

[Zach Lowe]

He found a niche.

[Bill Simmons]

Would you have to pick a niche?

[Zach Lowe]

I'm gonna be the only.

[Bill Simmons]

The only one that said it was an opportunity.

[Zach Lowe]

Yeah, I had some of the jokes I didn't like. And just the Super Bowl. I just like, this is Super Bowl. I want to know who won the Super Bowl. Did the Dolphins win the Super Bowl? Does Snowflake perform at the Super Bowl? How does Marino do in the second half? I know like, who goes to prison for this? How many people go to prison?

[Bill Simmons]

I had. How did they get Snowflake to the Super Bowl? And also the real final score was San Francisco 38, Miami 16 in the Ray Finkel game. They cheated with that. I would have liked to have known who won this Super Bowl. Did the Dolphins prevail? I just had more questions and I.

[Zach Lowe]

Guess this doesn't count, but there's no version of this movie that should not have the dolphin trainer seen within a scene. The fact that that's not in the movie anymore, no matter where you stream it, is unconscionable. I'm going to say unconscionable.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I had a couple. Why was Ray Finkel a replacement kicker if he was so good? He comes in halfway through the season, but then when the Ace does the research on him, two division one records. He holds the division one record for most points and longest kick. So if he's so good, why did he get added mid season to the Dolphins? That doesn't make any sense. At the end of the movie, the Eagles mascot who Ace punches, he's on the Dolphin sideline trying to get Gatorade. Makes no sense.

[Zach Lowe]

Why is he over there infiltrating? Maybe he's gonna come back with some information.

[Craig Horlbeck]

No clue there. There's a line at the end of the movie when they're in the warehouse and it's all going down. Maybe you guys know what's going on. Einhorn is talking to Dan Marino and she goes, want some refreshments, Dan? And then she leaves to go get him. What? Why does she leave? And that's why Jim Carrey can bust him out.

[Zach Lowe]

Also two classic. Just old fish goons. Olfish mobster goons. Like unname, like incompetent at their jobs. Why did she hire.

[Bill Simmons]

Those guys are in like everywhere.

[Zach Lowe]

Who are they?

[Craig Horlbeck]

I don't know why she says it twice. Want some refreshments, Dan? No idea what that's about. And then the last one is just what is Einhorn's. What is her actual plan? So she's a disgrace kicker. She goes. She goes to a menstrual institute and is like, I'm going to break out quickly, rise up the ranks of Miami pd, become a woman, and then eventually kidnap Dan Marino so I can kill him when the Dolphins eventually make the Super Bowl.

[Bill Simmons]

I mean, can we, can we stop 40% through that question? What about the part that she just became the lieutenant in this police station?

[Zach Lowe]

Maybe she loves police work. She's just really good at it.

[Bill Simmons]

But I'm pretty sure it takes longer to become the lieutenant. Like you're starting in the ground. You work your way up. You're an officer for years.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

You get. You become assistant lieutenant. Then eventually the lieutenant is that the.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Easiest way to get to Dan Marino is I need to become the lieutenant of the Miami pd See this is.

[Bill Simmons]

The problem is I don't think they spent more than 20 minutes coming up with a plot for this movie. This is the weak link of the movie.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

You know, also you can just. You can just get into a very expensive looking mental institution. Like show up, act crazy. Do they have any money? How are they going to pay? Is he going to live there?

[Bill Simmons]

Speaking of the mental institution I had for a picking it just finds the right room with all the Lois Einhorn evidence sitting there in a closet.

[Zach Lowe]

No. No indication that that would be. Why would they have special.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's just keeping around underrated funny scene is him trying to get into the box. Is a great scene. And the guys. Because the guy always comes in. That's every trope the guy comes in and he's just stuck in the box busting out of it. It's great.

[Bill Simmons]

The. Why was the dolphin this important? And would anyone have actually cared? I think is important. I think I'm going to go with. All the Dolphins fans are more excited that their team's in the super bowl and has a chance to win for the first time in 12, 22 years.

[Zach Lowe]

I could see it becoming a scandal. Missing dolphin.

[Bill Simmons]

It's. It's a Tuesday super bowl story. By Thursday, people are like, who's winning? Who do you got? Who'd you bet on?

[Craig Horlbeck]

If the beloved Seahawk was stolen this week, people would probably care. I don't.

[Bill Simmons]

Would they?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Probably.

[Bill Simmons]

Or were they talking about Drake May shoulder and Belichick getting sucked out? By the time people watch this was the super bowl have happened.

[Craig Horlbeck]

That's right.

[Bill Simmons]

I hope the Patriots won. Sequel, prequel, Prestige tv, all black caster, untouchable. They did a sequel and they did some other stuff. I think there was a TV show animated.

[Craig Horlbeck]

It's impressive. I loved the sequel as a kid. I think Ace coming out of the rhino's ass is maybe the funniest moment in any Ace Ventura. And I think it's remarkable that they made another movie that was somehow more offensive than the first one.

[Bill Simmons]

They ratcheted up.

[Craig Horlbeck]

They doubled down.

[Zach Lowe]

Why not? Why wouldn't you? You get through Ace Ventura and you're lauded for it. You're like, well, I guess you could just do Anything.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And I loved it as a feature.

[Bill Simmons]

Legendarily troubled production. I think they might have changed directors at one point. It was one of those. The comedy sequels are always disaster. All right, so is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins, Fergie, the florist, or a million people? Normally, we have Chris Ryan here doing an impersonation. I think this is the perfect time for Zach to answer the question. Is this movie better with Tom Thibodeau?

[Zach Lowe]

What would his role be in the movie?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I just wanted you to do Thibodeau in person.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Ice, Ice. Ace.

[Zach Lowe]

What the fuck are you doing over here?

[Craig Horlbeck]

He could be one of the henchmen at the end.

[Zach Lowe]

Ice, Ice.

[Bill Simmons]

Just one Oscar. Who gets it? We've already answered this. It's Jim Carrey.

[Zach Lowe]

Come on.

[Bill Simmons]

Probably unanswerable questions. I only have one. Do you guys have one for this?

[Craig Horlbeck]

I have a couple.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Zach Lowe]

We've covered most of mine.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you have, Craig?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Did Einhorn and the henchmen place a bet on the Eagles?

[Bill Simmons]

Interested? We have to do the bookie. Probably lower stakes.

[Zach Lowe]

I don't think they're in it for the money.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Do you make that bet five months in advance, knowing you're going to kidnap Marino? Or even a month in advance, Right. When you make that bet right before you capture Marino, before the line swings? Make a lot of money.

[Zach Lowe]

I don't think. I don't think they're in it for the money.

[Bill Simmons]

I have a. I have one relating to the game. I think if Dan Marino had gotten kidnapped right before the Super Bowl. I think that's the biggest sports story of all time. I think that's the most interesting thing that ever could have happened in any sporting event. Is the quarterback to start. To start. Quarterback on one of the two teams has been kidnapped. First of all, do they have the game?

[Zach Lowe]

I don't think you have the game. I think the game is football stops.

[Bill Simmons]

Postponed football stops. Right. They're like, is this guy dead? What happened to Dan Marino? We have to find him.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Do you think it matters which quarterback? It would be like. It's like, oh, well, if Mahomes were canceling the Super Bowl.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, we're talking this before the new Super Bowl.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

If it was Drake May versus Sam. If Sam Darnold's kidnapped, they're not having the game. Either one. It's a no. It's like we're holding off until we find Sam Darnold. Right. They're not like, let's have the game anyway. Because then all that would happen is you could Just kidnap the best players on other teams and, you know, bet money on the other team before you do it.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, there's.

[Bill Simmons]

I hope it's a Pandora box.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And the question is, is if they find him five months later, then what do you just have? The Super Bowl?

[Zach Lowe]

Yes. Football. Just when do you resume football?

[Bill Simmons]

Has this happened in soccer? It must have.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The player getting kidnapped.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, that must have happened in one of these European or Latin American society.

[Zach Lowe]

What's the plot of Celtic Pride, which I never saw? Isn't this the plot of Celtic Pride? No. They kidnap someone.

[Bill Simmons]

They do. We don't acknowledge Celtic Bride.

[Zach Lowe]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. That movie never happened. That's in the never happened movies. But yeah, I do think, I do think this is the biggest story, like excluding like somebody dying or something. I think this would have been the biggest sports story. What else did you have for our answerables?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Did Einhorn learn the tuck from Buffalo Bill?

[Bill Simmons]

You think there's some buffalo? So Buffalo Silence of lambs comes out 1991.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I mean, it was a very strategic talk. She kind of maneuvered.

[Bill Simmons]

I think it is a little Silence of the Lamb. It's probably like an homage also in.

[Craig Horlbeck]

That scene when he exposes her chest and sees that she has boobs and he goes, that kind of work, that kind of surgery can be done over.

[Zach Lowe]

The weekend, but it's. It's not overnight of something about the word weekend and the way he says it is why that's funny.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Acknowledging that there is a little bit of work. He's like, that kind of work can be done over the weekend. Weekend suck.

[Bill Simmons]

What piece of memorabilia would you want from the movie Zack or not want.

[Zach Lowe]

I went want.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Zach Lowe]

The obvious one would be one of the rings.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, it be Ray Finkle's ring with the one stone missing.

[Zach Lowe]

Ray Finkle's ring with the stone highest.

[Bill Simmons]

That's. That's selling for the most at an auction.

[Zach Lowe]

I would like one of the Dan die crocheted like coasters or whatever that Grandma Finkel made one of those. Or the notebook that has just laces out scrawled all over it. It.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, I have the ring or any of the 90s dolphins.

[Bill Simmons]

I had the ring. But I'll tell you, it did catch my eye. The Collier county home to Ray Stinkle sign that said Ray Finkel and they turned into Stinkle. It's a really. If you actually look at that sign, it's really cool.

[Craig Horlbeck]

That could be right there.

[Bill Simmons]

Looks good. Yeah, it's. I, I thought about it. It's. It's Big. It looks like it would take up.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Like, can you buy it? Is it on?

[Bill Simmons]

I mean, they probably threw it. Threw it away, right?

[Craig Horlbeck]

I don't know.

[Zach Lowe]

I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a really cool sign, though.

[Zach Lowe]

I don't know if this counts, but you could. You could make. Because you could make it, but the mannequin with the marino J and the knife in the heart just standing right here.

[Bill Simmons]

Coach Finack, Mr. Magi Award for best or worst life lesson.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Laces out.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, laces out.

[Zach Lowe]

I. I think it's. You can be worst life lesson. You can be an absolute dick to this beautiful woman and still end up with her in the end. I can't believe we haven't talked about the Machine Gun up.

[Bill Simmons]

How courting was in the early 90s.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Have you ever heard of. It's negging. You ever heard of neg?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Zach Lowe]

And you're ugly. Why don't you cry about it? Saddlebags. And then throwing out fatty right after.

[Bill Simmons]

She's like, I love this guy.

[Zach Lowe]

What's happening?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Ten seconds later, her best friend dies.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes. She's like, I'm in on this guy. Best double featured choice I had. There's something about Mary because I get to stay in Miami. It's a different kind of later 90s comedy, different actors.

[Craig Horlbeck]

And you get Favre.

[Bill Simmons]

I get Farf. I get both football quarterbacks.

[Craig Horlbeck]

I went dumb and dumber.

[Zach Lowe]

I also won Dumb and Dumber, which.

[Bill Simmons]

Is just brilliant movie then who won the movie? Jim Carrey.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Was the laces out thing known before this movie? The Scott Norwood kick. Was the. The laces out thing known at that time?

[Bill Simmons]

I don't ever remember that.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The holder screwed up the kick. I don't even know.

[Zach Lowe]

Is it a real thing?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah, apparently people defend Norwood and say that the laces were facing sideways and it's why it pushed. Right.

[Bill Simmons]

I never know what to believe because they're always like, he missed that because of the high snap. And then half the time, guys make it when it's a high snap or.

[Craig Horlbeck]

So this movie was the first time you had heard of, like, the idea of the laces being positioned in any direction.

[Zach Lowe]

That was totally. I was totally unaware of it, and I feel like I haven't heard it since. Other than references to Ace Ventura, McAfee.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Has defended this, saying, this is totally real. The laces do need to be out because the laces are the softest part of the football. So if you kick that, it compresses the most and can, like, like, wobble. So I don't know Interesting. Yeah. It's incredibly impressive that the holders, apparently, like, even the way the ball is snapped, is designed so that the laces land in the holder's hands. Laces out. And then it's their job to quickly adjust if it's. If it's in the wrong direction by even a couple degrees so that it's completely, you know, 180 away from the kicker's foot.

[Bill Simmons]

This is normally the part of the podcast when we go to producer Craig for his reaction, but he's one of the hosts today, so we don't need to do that. But we can thank God.

[Zach Lowe]

How?

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

We can't thank Eduardo.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Zach Low, your first rewatch was under your belt. How do you feel?

[Zach Lowe]

I feel good. I feel like I submitted a list of 10 to 12 movies and you picked the silliest one by an exponential degree. Just want to put it out there. I also had Dog Day Afternoon was on my list. So I ran that. I ran the gamut. All right. This is just saying.

[Bill Simmons]

He's on Netflix and on Spotify. You're on Netflix and on Spotify. Ringer Fantasy football show, the Zach Lowe Show. I got the Bill Simmons podcast. We're back with rewatchables next week with another movie that we're gonna try to pick that's on Netflix. And I do wanna remind people that Eddie and the Cruisers is now available to be purchased or rented, if you ever wanna know. Cause we're gonna do Eddie and the Cruisers at some point. It's finally out. I know you're excited.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah. I don't know anything about that movie.

[Bill Simmons]

This is the first. This has only been a couple times in Rewatchable's history where we've bitched and moaned about a movie not being available, and then it actually happened. Pump up the volume.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

The next one, we just did the episode. We're like, it's. It's. And then all of a sudden, it magically appeared in the streamers.

[Craig Horlbeck]

The next one is Revenge of the Nerds. You cannot find.

[Bill Simmons]

Kiss of Death. Irreconcilable differences we talked about. Sure thing. Not really available.

[Craig Horlbeck]

Yep, that's on YouTube.

[Bill Simmons]

They're mostly from the 80s and 90s, so hopefully we'll have some more. Sack Low, a true pleasure. Craig Horrober, great to see you. Thanks for coming out.