‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt

Summary

The Rewatchables: ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’ with Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt

Release Date: December 24, 2024

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Introduction

In this episode of The Rewatchables, host Bill Simmons and guest Kyle Brandt dive deep into one of the quintessential Christmas classics, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Moving beyond mere nostalgia, the duo dissects the film's strengths, weaknesses, and enduring appeal, offering insights for both longtime fans and newcomers.

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General Impressions

Bill and Kyle commend Home Alone 2 as a standout sequel that manages to capture the magic of its predecessor while introducing fresh elements. Kyle expresses a personal preference for the sequel over the original, highlighting its "better, smarter redo" despite the inherent challenges of crafting a successful follow-up.

Kyle Brandt [03:30]: "I like this movie more than the original."

Bill agrees, appreciating the sequel's unapologetic adherence to the original formula, comparing it to high-energy pop music that sticks to its hits without overcomplicating things.

Bill Simmons [05:08]: "My headline for the movie is really good sequel. When do you say that? When do you see a really good sequel?"

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Plot and Character Analysis

The conversation delves into the plot's plausibility, with Bill and Kyle scrutinizing scenarios where Kevin's parents leave him alone again. They discuss the suspension of disbelief required to enjoy the film, acknowledging unrealistic elements such as the family's oversight and the parents' minimal panic when losing Kevin in a bustling city.

Bill Simmons [07:12]: "The oversleeping gag is so stupid and so pathetic."

They also analyze the motivations and behaviors of supporting characters, particularly Uncle Frank, whose questionable actions and minimal maternal panic are points of contention.

Kyle Brandt [09:02]: "My wife loves this movie, but gets really mad at the mom."

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Technical Elements

A significant portion of the discussion centers on the film's setting and production choices. The Plaza Hotel is lauded as an iconic New York location that adds authenticity and charm to the movie. Bill praises the use of real city landmarks, enhancing the film's visual appeal and nostalgic value.

Kyle Brandt [25:06]: "Also, one of the big things with this movie, one of the biggest and best New York City movies. There's been a million movies filmed in New York City. I don't know if there's a lot of movies that use all of the city the way this one does."

They also touch upon the practical aspects of props and special effects, debating the realism of Kevin's trap setups and the use of real pigeons versus CGI.

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Cast and Performances

The performances in Home Alone 2 receive high praise, particularly highlighting Macaulay Culkin's portrayal of Kevin McAllister. Bill and Kyle discuss Culkin's transition from a beloved child star to his later career, reflecting on the impact of fame and early stardom.

Kyle Brandt [15:13]: "Home Alone is one of the biggest kids movies of all time. If not maybe the biggest non-animated kids movie."

Tim Curry's role as the greedy hotel manager is also lauded, with Bill emphasizing that Curry's performance is pivotal in maintaining the film's entertainment value.

Bill Simmons [05:54]: "I think [Tim Curry] is great in the movie. And I think if you're saying, why is it better?"

Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern's performances as the bumbling burglars are dissected for their comedic value and the physical comedy that Pesci brings to his role, despite the constraints of a family-friendly film.

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Real-life Connections and Effects

The episode takes a reflective turn as Bill and Kyle discuss Macaulay Culkin's real-life experiences post-Home Alone. They delve into his interactions with Michael Jackson, the pressures of child stardom, and Culkin's personal struggles, providing a broader context to his performance in the film.

Kyle Brandt [19:44]: "Seeing what Mac's life was like put things in a different perspective."

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Critical Opinions and Nitpicks

Bill and Kyle offer a candid critique of various plot holes and unrealistic elements within Home Alone 2. From the plausibility of the family's repeated negligence to the underdeveloped character motivations, they highlight inconsistencies that, while minor, affect the film's overall believability.

Kyle Brandt [07:12]: "The oversleeping gag is so stupid and so pathetic."

They also discuss the portrayal of homeless characters, notably the pigeon lady, questioning her presence and the depth of her character development within the narrative.

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Nostalgia and Cultural Impact

The duo reminisces about their personal experiences linked to the film, such as staying at the Plaza Hotel and visiting iconic toy stores depicted in the movie. These anecdotes underscore the film's lasting imprint on popular culture and its ability to inspire real-life adventures.

Kyle Brandt [25:54]: "Early 2009, my daughter was like between three and a half and four. We went to New York City for the weekend because she loved the Home Alone movies."

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Favorite Scenes and Quotes

Notable scenes, including Kevin's trap setups and the climactic reunion with his family, are highlighted for their entertainment value and ingenuity. The hosts share favorite moments that encapsulate the film's charm and humor.

Bill Simmons [37:35]: "I think it's the suit-up scenes that we like and something like Commando. Just strapping on weapons."

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Conclusions

Bill and Kyle conclude that Home Alone 2: Lost in New York remains a rewatchable classic due to its blend of humor, inventive traps, and heartfelt moments. Despite its flaws, the film's ability to evoke nostalgia and entertain across generations cements its place in the pantheon of beloved holiday movies.

Kyle Brandt [102:16]: "The life lesson is, hey, kids, run away. It's awesome."

Overall, the episode provides a comprehensive analysis of Home Alone 2, balancing praise with constructive criticism, and celebrating the film's enduring legacy.

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Notable Quotes

• Bill Simmons [05:08]: "When do you say that? When do you see a really good sequel."
• Kyle Brandt [07:12]: "The oversleeping gag is so stupid and so pathetic."
• Kyle Brandt [15:13]: "Home Alone is one of the biggest kids movies of all time. If not maybe the biggest non-animated kids movie."
• Bill Simmons [37:35]: "I think it's the suit-up scenes that we like and something like Commando."

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Timestamp Highlights

• [02:30] Introduction to Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
• [05:08] Defining a "really good sequel"
• [07:12] Critique of plot implausibilities
• [15:13] Macaulay Culkin's impact as a child star
• [25:06] The Plaza Hotel's significance in the film
• [37:35] Favorite trap setups in the movie
• [102:16] Discussing the film's life lesson

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For those who haven't listened to the episode, this summary offers a detailed exploration of Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt's discussion on Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, capturing their analyses, critiques, and appreciation for the film's enduring charm.

Transcript

[Bill Simmons]

What's happening? It's Todd McSha and I'm back with a new home and a new show at the Ringer and Spotify. The McShay Show. It's a video and audio podcast coming to you year round with all my NFL draft information, big boards, mock drafts and player movement. Plus, I'll be chatting with some of my best friends in football, including some of your favorite football analysts during the week. We'll have episodes on Tuesdays and Thursdays that'll include discussions about my player rankings, who's rising, who's falling, and who your NFL team should be keeping an eye on. Plus, we'll be reacting each week to the College Football Playoff polls and giving you previews and picks for each Saturday slate. In addition, I'll have episodes on Saturday nights with my immediate reaction to the full day in college football every week.

[Kyle Brandt]

So if you love the college game.

[Bill Simmons]

The NFL, the draft, or all of it like me, make sure to like, follow, subscribe and get ready for the McShay show on the Ringer, Spotify and wherever you watch or listen to podcasts.

[Kyle Brandt]

This episode of the Rewatchables is presented by State Farm. There's a lot to say when buying a new home or car, but only one thing to say when you need help to protect them. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. A State Farm agent can help you choose the coverage you need. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This episode is brought to you by Indiana Jones and the Great Circle Uncover one of history's greatest mysteries in Indiana Jones of the Great Circle, a first person single player video game set between Raiders of the Lost Ark and the Last Crusade. The year is 1937. Sinister forces are scouring the globe for the secret to an ancient power and only one person can stop them. Indiana Jones Adventure Calls Indiana Jones and the Great Circle out now on the Xbox Series X and S Game Pass and PC rated T for Teen. Copyright and trademark 2024 Lucasfilm Ltd. All rights reserved. The Rewatchables is brought to you by the Ringer Podcast Network where normally Kyle Brand is on a zoom and this week he is here in la. He was here for football stuff. We realized that we hadn't even been in the same room together looking at each other since like 2008 February helmet.

[Bill Simmons]

Catch the night before the helmet catch at a Super bowl party.

[Kyle Brandt]

Is that why the Pats lost?

[Bill Simmons]

Exactly why yes. We drank tequila and talked about the real world.

[Kyle Brandt]

I just peppered you with real questions.

[Bill Simmons]

Non stop and from that point on.

[Kyle Brandt]

We'Ve only talked on the phone and zooms. And we've done a bunch of pods together.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

And now you're here. And now we're talking about what I think is one of the great Christmas movies of all time.

[Bill Simmons]

I love this movie. Bill, I'm ready.

[Kyle Brandt]

Home Alone 2 colon, lost in New York is next.

[Bill Simmons]

Check in reservation from McAllister to the best Christmas movie ever. Stop that child. I don't think so. Hold it right there.

[Kyle Brandt]

Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.

[Bill Simmons]

I love you. Home alone 2.

[Kyle Brandt]

Your drawers don't flash these babies around here.

[Bill Simmons]

There could be girls on this floor. Rated PG now playing at theaters everywhere.

[Kyle Brandt]

All right, so you send me a list every once in a while. I'm like, hey, we got to do a rewatchable soon. Just send me a couple some 80s, some 90s. And this was your number one Christmas movie you wanted to do? Yeah, let's. Let's have the first discussion. Let's get it out of the way.

[Bill Simmons]

Go on.

[Kyle Brandt]

Home Alone is a Christmas movie for you.

[Bill Simmons]

It is. Yes. And I know this is a point of contention for you because I listened to the pod. I watch it at Christmas time. I don't watch it any other time of year. So that to me is a Christmas movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Does it need Christmas to exist?

[Bill Simmons]

No. It could be a Fourth of July movie. When they go to Paris for Fourth of July or for vacation, Spring break. Yeah, why not? Sure.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's my case. This home alone 2 colon, lost in New York Christmas movie.

[Bill Simmons]

What's the difference? Because it needs Christmas.

[Kyle Brandt]

Really needs Christmas. It gets New York in Christmas. It captures New York at the most fun time to go to the city. It makes me nostalgic. It makes me want to go to New York for the holidays. There's a giant tree. There's an FAO Schwartz, which is doctored as another toy store. But now it's very New Yorky, very Christmassy, and makes me nostalgic. And I'm in the camp. I like this movie more than the original.

[Bill Simmons]

Is that true? Because I think that group is growing. I've seen these people online and it's almost unprecedented. But I'm starting to ready to come over for it. Like get into it. I love Home Alone. You love Home Alone. But the ammunition for the sequel being better is. What do you point to? Cause I'm not over there yet.

[Kyle Brandt]

30 plus years of seeing both the effect that it had on my kids as we went through the stages of watching the Home Alones with the kids. Home Alone one Is great, great premise. Home Alone two. Really hard to pull off a sequel where there's no way this situation would ever happen again, which we're talking about. But it just feels like a better, smarter redo of the first movie, which normally I would be against, but in this case, I don't know, I just like it more.

[Bill Simmons]

My headline for the movie is really good sequel. And when do you say that? When do you see A really good. That's 5% of sequels are really good. You're watching them 30 years later. And what's fun about it and maybe makes it better than the first, I love how this movie is so unapologetic. Like, we're doing the same thing, dude, and we don't care what you think. And I know a lot of people like, it's the same movie. Like, yep, we got a cool kid, we got an asshole family, we got some idiot criminals, and you're going to pay and you're going to come see it again. And I absolutely love it. I think if you're making the case for why is it better? The most pivotal part of the sequel, really, the only thing they changed up on, the only thing they took a risk on is, is the whole Tim Curry performance. Because there's nobody in that first movie. There's no Tim Curry, hotel staff, everything. I think he's great in the movie. And I think if you're saying, why is it better?

[Kyle Brandt]

Tim Curry is fantastic here also, he's protecting his house. In the first one, yes. In the second one, he's basically American Psycho. He's luring these adults. I know, and just like torturing them for not like five minutes. It's a 20 minute scene. So my guy, William Goldman, he wrote a New York magazine essay in 1992 about the holiday season, the movies, where he would ask different people in the industry, what do you think? What do you hear about this movie? And a couple of the anonymous people, he asked about Home Alone too. One of the guys said, sequels have changed. You used to know rule of thumb that the second one would do a third less. But now look at the Die Hards and Lethal Weapons. Sequels can do more, but they've got to be exactly like the original. When they go to a sequel, people want comfort. I think that's a good way to describe it because most of the time this doesn't work. But if I'm going to a thing like this, I just want them to run home alone, back with a different situation.

[Bill Simmons]

It feels like when you go to a concert and you're like, can you just play the hits? I'm here. I'm nostalgic. When the lead singer says, this one's off our new album. Shit, I'll go get a beer. They play the hits. This is pop music. Like, we're not. This is not the Godfather. This is a little kid who beats the shit out of criminals at Christmas time. It's great. They just do it again, and they don't try to make it different. And I love that they didn't.

[Kyle Brandt]

Two years later. Yeah, we're starting. I'm grabbing a category from later for right now, The Butch's Girlfriend Award for weak link of the film. Because to buy this movie doll, you have to buy the premise that this kid's parents, who've already taken off and gone to Paris without him two years ago and left him alone in his house, would somehow leave again without finding that he was not with them.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes. And get all the way to baggage in the next airport before they even realized he was gone.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's a big stretch.

[Bill Simmons]

You have to go into this movie with a mentality. Are you gonna sit here and be like, this would never happen. This would never happen. Or are you just gonna let go? Like, I can't watch this movie with my wife because she constantly says it would never happen. And then the same person always says during the scenes at the end with Harry and Marv, they're like, oh, they'd be dead. Oh, that would have killed them. My wife says that every time they get hit. So I'm like, honey, and we just enjoyed the pop music. I know they would never forget him. It's ludicrous. But I accept that they do, and I have some theories on it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Wait, so your wife. So my wife loves this movie, but gets really mad at the mom. And specifically the scene near the end when she goes to talk to the cop, and she's like, I know Kevin. He's fine. It's like, your kid's 10. He's in New York City.

[Bill Simmons]

No, Kevin. Kevin.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kevin's Kevin. He's a survivor.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes, that's right. He's smart. He's very independent. And you're like, you are walking through Times Square with flyers, past crackheads and people, like, jerking off in the alleys, and you're looking for your son.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kevin's 4 foot 2.

[Bill Simmons]

No, he's done. He's dead. And I.

[Kyle Brandt]

And she's not that sad. Like my wife. When we were in the Olympics, my wife lost my son for, like, four minutes in a giant park in London. And still talks about it like once a week as being the most terrifying moment of her life. This mom is just. It's like she lost her luggage and she's just in baggage claim like. Like, it's like a big blue suitc.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a Samsonite. Yeah. Can you send it to me? It is your son or you got lost again. And she doesn't have nearly enough to panic. But you have to let that go or this movie will torment you. You have to.

[Kyle Brandt]

Or could they have written in one scene where maybe it's just her and her husband and she's like, I'm the worst mom ever. And she's like, no, you're not, honey. We have so many kids. Like, something to acknowledge what a terrible parent you are. They just. They won't have it in this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

There's one scene that I think is critical and it's the parents who are in the police office talking to the Miami cop. And they try some gallows humor where they're like, oddly enough, we've never lost our luggage. Ha ha, ha ha. And like, the cop doesn't think it's funny. I feel like he's reaching for the panic button under the table and he's calling it in. But that is the only scene where they try to wink at the audience and say, we know this is stupid, but we're going to have Catherine O'Hara be charming and try to laugh through it. But they probably need a little more. It's insane.

[Kyle Brandt]

Like, the bad version of this movie is Kevin's on a cargo plane headed to South America, never to be seen again. Given a new identity. Yeah, Kevin's mom, I don't think she takes off without seeing him. Kevin on the airplane not seeing anybody that he's related to. Even at age 10, I feel like that would make you nervous at some point. You're on the plane for a while before it takes off.

[Bill Simmons]

No screens, no seat back screens. This guy's going to sit there. The flight from Chicago to New York is a good two hours. He has no magazine, he has no nothing. And he's like, where? I'm traveling with nine people, I don't see any of them.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, he's going to not go to the bathroom and look around.

[Bill Simmons]

Now we're getting all worked up again.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, no, I just is the weak link of the film.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

But then here's the other part that kills me. They're in Florida and they're checking in. They don't have Kevin. They know they don't have Kevin. And they're like, well, let's see. Let's see what our hotel room's like. Aren't they on a flight back to. Like, somebody's on a flight back to Chicago.

[Bill Simmons]

Because last year they were in France. So, like, in Florida. Like, this is nothing. We were across the Atlantic last year eating shrimp. And now it's no big deal. Deal. The one that drives me crazy. I hate this so much. The oversleeping gag is so stupid and so pathetic. Nine people in a house. When they finally wake up, there's beaming sunlight into their bedroom. That's not how people sleep. It doesn't make any sense. You're going on a flight the next day with all these kids. You're up every hour looking at the clock.

[Kyle Brandt]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

And it's like one alarm clock got unplugged. There's nine other people in the house. That drives me crazy too. Before they even get to the airport.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. The uncle would have been up at, like, five in the morning.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Uncle Frank would be having, like, an Irish coffee probably, like, in the lake and be like, let's go. Let's go. So the beaming sunlight. They just sleep right through it as adults. Doesn't happen.

[Kyle Brandt]

With all of that said.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes. There's more.

[Kyle Brandt]

You just have to. Have to shove all that over the side. I asked you for a list of most unrealistic. I can't believe this happened again. Movies. I only had three, other than Home Alone two, but. How many did you have?

[Bill Simmons]

I had about four. I had four.

[Kyle Brandt]

All right. So we probably both had Die Hard too.

[Bill Simmons]

Have to have Die Hard too. He even has.

[Kyle Brandt]

I can't believe he's in another terrorist situation.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And he winks at the camera. McLean's like, how's the same shit happen to the same guy twice? Like, he's saying to the camera, we get it. So that's. I think that's the clubhouse leader. What else you got?

[Kyle Brandt]

Speed two. Cruise control.

[Bill Simmons]

Great. I don't have it. Great. On a cruise ship. Sandra Bullock again.

[Kyle Brandt]

Sandra Bullock. Who? In Speed. Speed one.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Just on a bus. One of the most brutal terrorist attacks of the mid-90s in LA. And somehow survives and meets Keanu Reeves. And it seems like we'd be together. And now this happens again with a different guy on a yacht.

[Bill Simmons]

She's on a bus with a bomb on it. And then she's on a yacht with terrorists.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And it's Willem Dafoe now. But Jason Patrick's there because Keanu didn't want to do it. That's a great one. That might be even better.

[Kyle Brandt]

What? What did you have? Because I have one more good one.

[Bill Simmons]

There's a scene. There's a scene in Jaws 2 where Brody is, like, talking to the town, and he's like, yeah, I'm telling you, don't have this boat race. Like, oh, Brody, you're paranoid. That's not gonna end as a dun, dun, dun, dun. And then the Josh just shows up. I have that.

[Kyle Brandt]

I always loved that. This is one of my favorite recurring themes in rewatchables. The guy who is the hero. He saved everybody. Like, nobody believed in the first time. And the situation happens again, and people are like, get the fuck out of here, Brody Sunshine.

[Bill Simmons]

The dog's ass. Brody. We get it.

[Kyle Brandt]

I got.

[Bill Simmons]

I wonder. All right, so this one's good. The Taken franchise.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

All right. The daughter gets taken.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And then second one, the wife gets taken.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I haven't seen the third, but I think, like, his dog or his bike. And then eventually his wi fi password gets taken. Like, things just keep getting taken from him. That's a terrible one, too. What else you got?

[Kyle Brandt]

I have the best one. Weekend at Bernice, too.

[Bill Simmons]

Let's go with the Voodoo Curse. I love this movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great Weekend at Bernie's. He was already pushing it just for how long the guy was dead with, like, just how people decompose. He'd been dead for a couple days.

[Bill Simmons]

No rigor mortis.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's going to be a little gamey.

[Bill Simmons]

No.

[Kyle Brandt]

So this is just from wikipedia. Weekend at Bernie's 2 tells the story of Larry and Richard, once again ending up with their late boss's corpse, which is targeted by a voodoo queen hired by mobsters who want to find the 2 million that Bernie. That was the plot. This movie was reviled. Like, it was so hated that I actually think it's a rewatchables candidate for 2025.

[Bill Simmons]

We get burnt to.

[Kyle Brandt]

We get a birdie to just skip one.

[Bill Simmons]

Have you guys done burning? That'd be an unprecedented move to go right to the sequel. Unbelievable.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's like, four years later, too. Where it wasn't even. It wasn't like they were capitalizing on the success.

[Bill Simmons]

No.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's just a pure money grab.

[Bill Simmons]

Does it have Silverman and McCarthy in it?

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, it sure does. He should have made a documentary about that. How desperate he was to make a sequel.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. So, yeah. I have one other one.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's hear it.

[Bill Simmons]

I'll perform the headlines. The Kansas City Chiefs. It happened again. It happens every single time. They're down late. They're going to lose. Oh, my God. This is finally the week. They lose. No, the other team makes a stupid mistake and they win on a last second field goal. It happened again. The Chiefs, 2024.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's a great one.

[Bill Simmons]

That's.

[Kyle Brandt]

We're recording this the day after they won on a 31 yard field goal that hit the upright and went through. Which I feel like when it hits the upright, 1 in 5 chance at that point usually bounces back sideways. No third string kicker too. All right. One more parents question before we get to McCullough.

[Bill Simmons]

Culkin. Yeah, sure.

[Kyle Brandt]

I can save it, actually.

[Bill Simmons]

The best or worst. Well, where are we going?

[Kyle Brandt]

Culkin, 92.

[Bill Simmons]

Yep.

[Kyle Brandt]

Biggest child star of the 90s. I'm gonna give him that.

[Bill Simmons]

Massive.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm not saying he's the biggest child star ever, but I think for the decade, he's the guy.

[Bill Simmons]

And Home Alone 1 was 90. Like he just got in there. Yeah. So definitely massive. I mean, I feel like Macaulay Culkin sounds ridiculous. He was an icon. He really, really mattered. It was a big deal.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. Because I saw what he made for the movie. For the sequel he made 4.5 million. That's a lot. Plus 5% of the gross.

[Bill Simmons]

That's massive.

[Kyle Brandt]

And I'm like, that's like one of those late 2000 and tens Brady's contracts.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Where it's like, how come you just don't have half the salary cap and the Patriots, you're the entire team, Culkin. Like, you could have told me he got $100 billion for the movie. I like, ah. Probably still got shortchanged because who's going to see Home Alone too if he's not in it? We found out with Home Alone 3 and beyond when he was in it.

[Bill Simmons]

No. Total leverage. I. I don't know if the information's out there. Like, I wonder what Peshi made on the movie. Because Peshi was huge at the time. And I wonder if he made more because you can make the movie without Pesi, but you can't make it without.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's the only one you have to have.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Some weird research stuff with this. Like, I think it was becoming sad with Culkin.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Kyle Brandt]

He was so big by age 8. Home alone is one of the biggest kids movies of all time. If not maybe the biggest non animated kids movie.

[Bill Simmons]

We had an unbelievable box office phenomenon. Number one for weeks and weeks and.

[Kyle Brandt]

Weeks hosting snl, it's like, what's next for him?

[Bill Simmons]

The Michael Jackson piece was huge. He's in Michael Jackson's videos. He's having sleepovers. Literally. Like, Michael Jackson's the biggest star in the world. He's hanging out with this kid. Culkin was massive.

[Kyle Brandt]

He does My Girl and he dies at the end. Spoiler alert. And it's like, you. You guys killed Macaulay Culkin in a movie. How do you do that? After Home Alone 2, he does the Good Son, which is One of the five best movies of the 1990s. Pulp Fiction 1, Good Son 2. Shawshank.

[Bill Simmons]

I took in some good son this week. I've had some time. I'm here in LA without my family. I cannot believe the end of that movie. I'd seen it but years. I can't believe what happens.

[Kyle Brandt]

I can't believe.

[Bill Simmons]

Scene is crazy.

[Kyle Brandt]

I can't. It's crazy.

[Bill Simmons]

That woman, what? She drops him.

[Kyle Brandt]

What's been on the rewatch was list for four years.

[Bill Simmons]

Good son.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, yeah. But what's funny about the Good Son, where he plays like basically Damian Oman.

[Bill Simmons]

He'S like an evil kid like killer.

[Kyle Brandt]

Something wrong with him? Yeah, I'm not positive he's any different in Home Alone too.

[Bill Simmons]

Go on.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's the same performance. He's just nobody's. He's not actually trying to kill somebody. Although you could argue if you're just dropping bricks on somebody's head from three stories and.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Creating this deviant psycho, psycho booby trap pit of hell for these two bumbling guys. Maybe that was as bad. I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, the joke is, you know, he's. He's Jigsaw and he's just. He's completely fucked up psychologically and likes torturing and hunting those men. Yeah, that's another reason, like why they couldn't do another one with. With. With Marv and Harry and Macaulay. Like, what would the torture have been in the third movie? There was no place to go. It was already the sadistic, sick destruction. Like, he can't. Hey, guys, I'm going to cut your dicks off. Are you ready? Like, there was. There was nowhere to go with the abuse that they were taking.

[Kyle Brandt]

No, it really would have been just saw. Saw one.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's just the guy putting them in a cellar together where they have to saw something off to.

[Bill Simmons]

Want to play a game, guys? On my tricycle, here's barbed wire like that. I don't want to see that.

[Kyle Brandt]

Was Homeland to worse than Saw or was it about the same? Would you have them together?

[Bill Simmons]

Kerry always saw his leg off at the end, so it was pretty tough, but. But Stern, on that electrical faucet thing until he's a skeleton, was rough, too. They really pushed it.

[Kyle Brandt]

They really did.

[Bill Simmons]

But I like it still. I don't care if you don't. Somebody else.

[Kyle Brandt]

Stern's memory of. Stern wrote a book. Do you know this? Called Home and Away.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know that. Daniel.

[Kyle Brandt]

Home and Alone, Something like that. He wrote an autobiography, like, two years ago, and he had some Culkin stuff in it.

[Bill Simmons]

Is that true?

[Kyle Brandt]

He was a sweet kid, but had lived a very different life than my kids. He didn't know how to play tag or throw the ball around.

[Bill Simmons]

Tag's a very easy game to learn. Yeah, you just touch the person in their.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's the. Well, the fact that he put that in the book made me think, like, did this. Was this kid just in a trailer from age 4?

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Never playing with anyone other than Michael Jackson? Then he wrote. We realized he had formed a friendship with Michael Jackson because when he picked him up, his hotel room was stacked literally from wall to wall and ceiling to floor with toys, every conceivable toy, as if someone went through Toys R Us, took one of each and dropped them in his room, all gift from Michael Jackson. It made us all feel really bad for Mac. My kids had experienced a taste of the distortions fame can bring. But seeing what Mac's life was like put things in a different perspective.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm cringing as you read that.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's pretty tough.

[Bill Simmons]

It makes me uncomfortable.

[Kyle Brandt]

This was before we were kind of self aware about a child actor star. Like, putting in checks and balances.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Because you could see this going sideways. The weird thing is he dates Mila Kunis in his late teens and they dated for like five years. And it seems like there could have been a good actor, like, adulthood thing for him, but instead his brother took it. Kieran, who's in this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And you were thinking the on set stuff. It's like, your little brother's there. That's your buddy. You're not buddy with Jacko like you're buddy's with Kieran. You're gonna go do your homework together and play with toys. Look, Macaulay has spent, like the last 15 years swearing to anyone who listened that nothing weird happened with Michael Jackson. He says it over and over again. He's like, yeah, we had sleepovers and stuff, but nothing happened. Nothing happened. And he said, in a million platforms. So I don't know, maybe nothing did. But, I mean, aren't Pesci and Stern when He's. Michael Jackson has shown up to visit the kid and giving him toys and stuff isn't Chris Columbus. What the fuck is Michael Jackson doing here? It's weird. I'm triggered by it completely. But maybe it's because it's 30 years later.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, I just. We're both parents. I just. The concept of an adult coming over to hang out with your 9 year old son would just raise my flag right away.

[Bill Simmons]

It's unbelievable.

[Kyle Brandt]

My son's 9. I barely want to hang out with them.

[Bill Simmons]

No, we want to play. We want to play Terror.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's have a water balloon sleepover. Like, what?

[Bill Simmons]

I'm nine two. No, you're not, Michael.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, you're definitely not.

[Bill Simmons]

You're a grown mancaully is also the godparents of Michael's kids. Like, I read that. So there's all sorts of connective stuff there. But Macaulay, look, Macaulay's married with kids right now. Like, I think he's doing all right.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's turned out better for him because when, you know, I'm slightly older than you, but my generation watching these TV child actors, it was always going bad. And I think now that we're in the 21st century with like the young Sheldon type guys, it feels like it's a little better. There's more awareness of playing it safer with some of these things.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, look at Chris Columbus. Okay. So he says, I would have done some things different with Macaulay. Next decade later, he starts directing the Harry Potter movies. So he's got these three little kids that he's basically gonna raise. And he talked really effusively about, I did things different, I learned some lessons. And like, I think it has changed a lot because, you know, when I was a little kid, it was like the different Strokes cast and it was just like a disaster from start to finish. But I think, listen, just recently, Macaulay went viral for posting like a Joe Burrow picture because people say Joe Burrow looks like him. And it's like that was showing like humor and like, it was good to see him. I think he's doing okay considering what he's gone through.

[Kyle Brandt]

I can't imagine being that famous when you're like 8 years old.

[Bill Simmons]

No.

[Kyle Brandt]

How do you even process that when your brain can't process anything and you have no idea who you are at that point? Pretty strange.

[Bill Simmons]

Very strange.

[Kyle Brandt]

There was this SNL sketch I remember in the early 90s when Susan Day hosted.

[Bill Simmons]

Sure.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think it was Susan Day where it was all the child actor criminals and they were all getting together for to plan some heist and there was an undercover cop and it was Bonaduce. But that was the mentality in the early 90s when Home Alone was happening. And I think everybody who saw these movies doing well was like, oh, man, this guy in 10 years, it's gonna be a disaster. You just were so used to it going badly. It seems like it's gone okay for him.

[Bill Simmons]

The contrast too is that his co star and the good son Elijah Wood is looked at as like the gold standard of a child star who grew up and it seems to complete completely have his act together has been very successful. So I think Macaulay got crapped on a lot because there was some dicey stuff. And he's talked about abuse and all that with his parents, and it's just not good. But I think he's doing all right. I'm happy for the guy. Like, I. We all grew up Macaulay in one way or another. Like, if something bad were to happen to him, I'd be crestfallen. I think he's doing all right.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think I got off the train with Getting Even with dad with Ted Danson.

[Bill Simmons]

I never saw that movie. I'm aware of it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Done.

[Bill Simmons]

This just. Is it just bad? Richie Rich for me.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great supporting cast in this movie that includes Joe Pesi, who is having a heater in 1992. He's dropping my cousin Vinnie, Home Alone 2 and Lethal Weapon 2 all in one year.

[Bill Simmons]

That's a year.

[Kyle Brandt]

And that's like action kids comedy. That's about as good. And coming off Goodfellas, that's almost like. I can't even think of anybody who had four different types of movies like that in a two year span.

[Bill Simmons]

No. I mean, everybody looks at Carrie's 94. We had dumb and Dumber. He did the Mask and he did I don't know what the other one was, but he's like three bangers in 94. And. But the pesci diversity where he's in basically a kids movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And then he's Tommy, like stabbing Billy Blank's death. You know what I mean? Like, it's. He did it all. It was. I mean, you can. He was top five movie star in the world at the time when he made this movie. And he's running around chasing after Kevin. It's nuts.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's also funny to watch this thinking of him as Tommy and Goodfellas as he's reacting to the situation.

[Bill Simmons]

Bing, bang.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then Daniel Stern.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Who is in both City Slickers. And the two Home Alone movies and is like kind of shockingly good in this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

He's fantastic.

[Kyle Brandt]

Really over the top, funny. Like not overacting, just really good.

[Bill Simmons]

The recasting for that part is he has Michael Richards energy, like the physical comedy. Good call. He's basically Kramer and he's really, really good. Before Kramer was massive. He's great in that part.

[Kyle Brandt]

Tim Curry you mentioned.

[Bill Simmons]

Excellent.

[Kyle Brandt]

John Herd, Katherine O'Hara. And then Rob Schneider is the bellhop. Pretty solid cast.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes. Do you think Rob Schneider wanted to work at the Plaza just because he heard Donald Trump owned it and he just wanted to be close to him?

[Kyle Brandt]

He didn't know that yet.

[Bill Simmons]

He knew this is going to pay off for me. I think he might have. He's really good in this movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Strong cast. And also the. One of the big things with this movie, one of the biggest and best New York City movies. There's been a million movies filmed in New York City. I don't know if there's a lot of movies that use all of the city the way this one does. It plays all the hits. We're in all the different parts. Even get to see the World Trade, the original World Trade Center a couple times. And you get to see the Plaza, which I think is probably one of the most iconic New York hotels. Central park, we just go. We move around the city during the holiday season in a way that I don't know how many movies have done it.

[Bill Simmons]

No, he's uptown in the brownstone too, for the final acts. Times Square, all that stuff. It's a great, great Manhattan movie. And it makes you want to go there on Christmas and stand in front of the Christmas tree.

[Kyle Brandt]

Totally.

[Bill Simmons]

And they know what they're doing there. Like, that stuff is contagious. I love this as New York movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Early 2009, my daughter was like between three and a half and four. We went to New York City for the weekend because she loved the Home Alone movies. And we went, we stayed at the Plaza Hotel and we went to the toy store and we. It just felt like this is something we should do. Right. This is. Now the movie's coming to life. But the Plaza, which was always like a pretty famous New York kind of destination place, but I think this, these, this movie really hammered it home in a different way. Like, to me, it's The Home Alone 2 hotel now.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And listen, we do the, the. The Benihana Award. Like, it's the Plaza. Like the scene. Stealing location.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And they really shot it there. That not only the lobby that actual suite is shot. And that's not a set. That's really in the Plaza. There's one spoiler, because my wife and I stayed there once too. And we were talking about we'd seen Home Alone 2 a bunch of times. And we're like, hey, where's the pool? And they're like, oh, there's no pool here. That's not. That wasn't in the Plaza. That's in Chicago. So the Plaza does not have a pool. That's one thing they bullshit. But we were ready for the pool. No pool.

[Kyle Brandt]

Jesus.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Directed by Chris Columbus. Written by John Hughes.

[Bill Simmons]

Yep.

[Kyle Brandt]

Still on a all time heater. $28 million budget. Made 359 million. The third highest grossing film released in 1992 behind two movies. Can you name them?

[Bill Simmons]

I think I know one.

[Kyle Brandt]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

I think. I think one of them was Aladdin.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yes.

[Bill Simmons]

With Robin Williams. And is it. I don't know what the other one was, but I think it came out like maybe the same weekend or right next to it. What is it?

[Kyle Brandt]

The Bodyguard.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, massive. Massive banger.

[Kyle Brandt]

Costa and Whitney.

[Bill Simmons]

Massive. They beat Kevin McAllister.

[Kyle Brandt]

Maner, Whitney, Kevin McAllister and Aladdin. That was our big four for 92. Roger Ebert two stars.

[Bill Simmons]

Unoriginal.

[Kyle Brandt]

I get it.

[Bill Simmons]

Unoriginal. It's fine. I respect it.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think he got upset about the violence people did. Cartoon violence is only funny in cartoons. Most of the live action attempts to duplicate an animation have failed because when flesh and blood figures hit the pavement, we can almost hear the bones crunch. And it isn't funny. Hard. Disagree. Raj.

[Bill Simmons]

You ever seen somebody get stapled in the nuts? Raj. It's hilarious. That doesn't have to be a cartoon. It's funny.

[Kyle Brandt]

Which totally violent, excessive part. Was it funny, Raj?

[Bill Simmons]

I like them all.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's go one by one.

[Bill Simmons]

You got the CompuBox?

[Kyle Brandt]

I do have it. Later.

[Bill Simmons]

Let's go.

[Kyle Brandt]

Today's most rewatchable scene, brought to you by Paramount+ this holiday season, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to watch every Mission Impossible on Paramount. Plus, I was actually watching some Mission Impossible this weekend. Yeah, Cruz just looks so young.

[Bill Simmons]

I know.

[Kyle Brandt]

He looks like almost like Top Gun Cruise. Like, forget how long. This is like a three decade franchise. Now catch up on the greatest action franchise of all time, starring the one, the only, Tom Cruise. Now streaming on Paramount plus most rewatchable scene. I was going to start with the family losing Kevin. The. The whole thing where he gets separated and then they lose him in the airport and they realize he's not there. Culminating in the. Kevin.

[Bill Simmons]

Kevin's not here.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kevin's not here.

[Bill Simmons]

Kevin's not here.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kevin's not here.

[Bill Simmons]

Kevin's not here. Kevin's not here.

[Kyle Brandt]

What?

[Bill Simmons]

Come on.

[Kyle Brandt]

Is there. Is there anything you would have before that?

[Bill Simmons]

No. I mean, unless we did the final act, the Saw movie. Like, as. As is the. Is you talking chronologically?

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm just saying before that scene. Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

No, that's. That's where it gets cooking. Because I actually really, really hate the scene at the children's concert where Buzz, like, bullies him. It makes no sense. All the parents start laughing at the little kid.

[Kyle Brandt]

And I had that. In what stage? The worst. Nobody would ever laugh at kids at a concert ever.

[Bill Simmons]

Why did they think that scene made sense? What he's doing to him isn't even funny.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's an easy cut.

[Bill Simmons]

Terrible. Yeah, but no, that's the first one.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kevin's first minutes in. First few minutes in New York City when he buys fireworks in Chinatown. This is like you're just preaching to the choir. For the age range of 4 to 10. It's probably when the. I wrote that. And it's the little kid equivalent of going to a strip joint.

[Bill Simmons]

It's true.

[Kyle Brandt]

Just being like, yeah, I'm gonna go buy some fireworks, then I'm gonna set them off.

[Bill Simmons]

It's the last vestige before it gets sexualized.

[Kyle Brandt]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

Because after a little older, you're gonna buy a Playboy.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And then like a Penthouse and then a Huddler Hustler. And then you're just going to strip joint. Yeah. So he buys fireworks.

[Kyle Brandt]

Fireworks. I'm gonna set them off and they're gonna make noise.

[Bill Simmons]

Awesome.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kevin gets a free limo and pizza and Coke for NYC Limo ride.

[Bill Simmons]

Limo's got a TV bill. I mean, that blows your mind in that back then.

[Kyle Brandt]

There's a lot of jealousy if you're a kid. And of course, I saw this as an adult, so I don't even know why I would totally know this. But you're just living vicariously through all these things. I'd be like, that'd be amazing if you're nine years old.

[Bill Simmons]

It was like when we used to watch Silver Spoons or if you watch Richie Rich. Like, this guy has awesome stuff. It was the same deal. Pizza, limo. Like, Kevin was just killing it. Like, picture me rolling. Like, he was a total badass.

[Kyle Brandt]

Silver spoons.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

I talked to Ed Bateman on the podcast once. Was really talking about it because he was Schroeder's buddy in that Show.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

And I think he thought I was being, like, semi ironic or. And I, I, I was like, no, I genuinely love Silver Spoons. I think he was surprised.

[Bill Simmons]

I know you're definitely sincere.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then he was in that. What was it called that it's your move, Bateman for one year.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, that's a show. He was in the Valley.

[Kyle Brandt]

The Hogan family spun him off from Silver Spoons into it. Your movies, Same character. It was basically young Bateman. He's the. The son of a divorced. Like, it's a mom. It's just him and his mom, single mom. And there's some neighbor that likes her. And the whole show is just him trying to foil the neighbor. It was a terrible idea for a sitcom.

[Bill Simmons]

I loved it.

[Kyle Brandt]

I watched every episode.

[Bill Simmons]

The neighbor has to be Ted McGinley, right? I don't know.

[Kyle Brandt]

It was. I can't remember who it was, but it was. It was somebody like, like, what was it called again? It's yous Move?

[Bill Simmons]

Did you talk to Bateman about It's yous Move?

[Kyle Brandt]

He was just stunned that I remembered it and loved it, but I really did. I really. I always liked him as a kid actor. And then it eventually led to the Hogan Family, which I did not watch.

[Bill Simmons]

Because I've heard that Bateman is not real interested in talking about Teen Wolf, too. Like, it's not his favorite topic. No, no. I mean, it's not a good movie. Who cares?

[Kyle Brandt]

It's not. Maybe as he gets older.

[Bill Simmons]

I would think so.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. I don't know if that. There's been a lot of smartless episodes about it. Next episode, our next next scene. Kevin gets chased by the Wet Bandits, pulls the pearls on the Sidewalk trick.

[Bill Simmons]

By the Sticky Bandits.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, they're now the Sticky Bandits.

[Bill Simmons]

They rebranded the pearls the old Pearls on the Sidewalk.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then. And then fends off everybody at the hotel with the videotape, which she's just the best at.

[Bill Simmons]

Terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you're mistaken. We are looking for a young man.

[Kyle Brandt]

All right, I believe you.

[Bill Simmons]

But my Tammy gun don't.

[Kyle Brandt]

Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.

[Bill Simmons]

On your knees.

[Kyle Brandt]

Like nobody has any sports analyst worked the Telestrator better than Kevin McAllister works the videotape.

[Bill Simmons]

Mike Fratella was great. He was the czar of the Telestrator. True Mike Fratello.

[Kyle Brandt]

Pause, pause. Perfect lines, able to fast forward over other dialogue.

[Bill Simmons]

The fact that he there was always. Listen, if you've never had a remote control in the VHS tape or whatever, it was. There's always this weird lag. It's like trying to pump like $10 perfectly of gasoline. It's very hard to hit.

[Kyle Brandt]

Never happening.

[Bill Simmons]

He nails it.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's crushing it. Also a hotel vcr.

[Bill Simmons]

No. Come on.

[Kyle Brandt]

There's no way.

[Bill Simmons]

No.

[Kyle Brandt]

Next rewatchable scene, I have wisdom from the pigeon lady, which I then wrote in parentheses, one of the worst scenes of the 1990s.

[Bill Simmons]

I wasn't always like this, you know. Oh, what were you like before? I had a job, I had a home, I had a family. Did you have any kids? No. Oh, I wanted them. But the man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. And whenever the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it.

[Kyle Brandt]

This scene, Go on. From a rewatchable movie standpoint, is mesmerizing. Where he's like a 10 year old kid. He's lost, he doesn't know where his parents are. Here's crazy pigeon lady covered in pigeon shit and she just has a hard heart with him. And she's like, I had a man and he left me. My heart was broken. When your heart's broken, sometimes you land here and it's like, you're insane. Why are you, why are you talking to a little kid about this? I love it.

[Bill Simmons]

I have it written down. First ballot, hall of fame, pee break scene. Like, I would much rather watch Ron Virginy play the flute than listen to the shit covered old woman in Carnegie hall. Says she got her heart broken. Like there's a lot of takes about that in, in what? We have like weak link of the movie, like all of that. I, I, I don't understand anything that's going on there.

[Kyle Brandt]

And listen, is she teaching him about the holiday spirit deep down? Is that what they're going for? I'm trying to understand like what they're going for with pigeon lady.

[Bill Simmons]

This is what they're going for. Hughes always has to have heart. You can't just have fun all the time. Like in the Breakfast Club. We're gonna get high and cry about our parents. It's not just all fun. My problem with it though is this movie already has that component with the old man at the toy store and him saving the kids money that's going to the hospital. He waves at the sick kid. There's already a lot of heart.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, we already have Roy Wally.

[Bill Simmons]

Right? We got Roy Wally. We have the wistful scenes with his mom. I don't know what the bird lady is doing here. And yes, she resolves the Sticky bandits at the end. They could have come up with something else for that. That scene is unbelievably boring. And so long. She's still talking about her love and her heart get broken. Like. I have a million questions about that scene. Carnegie hall does not let vagrants just go up in an attic and chill. What is that?

[Kyle Brandt]

She has a studio apartment at Carnegie Hall.

[Bill Simmons]

We got harps and pianos.

[Kyle Brandt]

Just lean over, watch the concert, Kevin.

[Bill Simmons]

I get to see the finest music ever. Are you paying them? It is the most renowned concert venue in the United States. And this homeless woman, literally covered in shit, gets to come and go how she wants. And bring kids.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

What's she doing up there with that kid? It does. It makes me so angry. That scene, it's terrible from start to finish.

[Kyle Brandt]

It would be like if it was a sports movie and she's just like climbing in a Lambo.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

With somebody like, hey, it's Sunday Night Football tonight.

[Bill Simmons]

They let me stay up by the head. Yes. Come on with me.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm in the owner's suite covered in shit.

[Bill Simmons]

And they're just say it's fine. That's just the bird. It makes no sense at all. Terrible scene.

[Kyle Brandt]

I have it as rewatchable because it's so bad. I watch it trying to figure out what's actually happening and why they thought this was a good idea and why they didn't edit it. Next one, Kevin sets up all his traps. That whole. The setting up montage scene where he's basically like, this is going to be a marriage. He's Patrick Bateman in 15 years. He's going to absolutely kill people. Carve them up in a bathtub.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And bathe in their blood.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. And put them away.

[Bill Simmons]

It's. It has the great energy because it's. It's like the suit up scenes that we like and something like Commando. Just strapping on weapons. And I got rocket launchers and guns and grenades. And like, Kevin's just getting ready to kick the shit out of these two idiots.

[Kyle Brandt]

Got nail guns.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. I don't. Roger even doesn't like that. It's awesome.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kevin annihilates the two crooks for 15 solid minutes, which includes he drops four bricks on them from a three story height.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Nail gun through the door multiple times, including right in Daniel Stern's face. Almost takes out his eye. Slippery goo in the ladder. So Pesci falls 20ft. Bag of plumber tools falls on Peshi's head. Slipper goo on the fall floor. So Stern falls backwards. Electrocutes the sink, which I think is just a murder.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't think Stern survives that under any circumstance. Like, he's dead. Dead corpse sets Pesh's head on fire and then he goes to put it out in the toilet and the toilet explodes. Another murder. I think they're both dead at that point.

[Bill Simmons]

I think that toilet is like filled with kerosene or something and his face is in it. So he'd be at least like wildly disfigured.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's at least like a paraplegic. Yes.

[Bill Simmons]

See, now we're doing the thing that my wife does. He'd be dead. He'd be dead. But this is what you do with.

[Kyle Brandt]

They're both dead. At this point, he hits barb with a 100 pound bag of sand from distance. Hits both of them with that giant metal. I don't know, is a metal stick, whatever that thing is.

[Bill Simmons]

I think that big like lead pipe thing that comes down. Yes, yes. That one's.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's coming down. Yeah, that one you're not waking up from. Hits them with the giant tool chest that presses them against Keen rope trick that he sets on fire. And they fall, I don't know, 40ft and then 25 to 30 pink cans laying on top of them. And then he taunts them with stuff like, nice night for a neck injury. He's basically Vontez Burfic.

[Bill Simmons]

Just true.

[Kyle Brandt]

Just taking up wide receivers.

[Bill Simmons]

Antonio Brown over the middle, the crown of the helmet. A brutal moment. My question to you about that whole compubox you did. Do you have a favorite one of those that, like, when you're watching, you're. Oh, fuck yes. Like, what's your favorite?

[Kyle Brandt]

I do. I really like the kerosene rope trick. I just like how they set it up. Like, what's that smell? The guys are.

[Bill Simmons]

So was that aftershave?

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. And then it puts you in a. What do you do?

[Bill Simmons]

Boat? Nothing. You wearing aftershave?

[Kyle Brandt]

That's not after shave, that's kerosene.

[Bill Simmons]

The rope is soaked in it now. Why would anybody, anybody soak a rope in kerosene?

[Kyle Brandt]

Merry Christmas. Go up. You just drop.

[Bill Simmons]

Go up.

[Kyle Brandt]

Go up.

[Bill Simmons]

Start saying go up. And they can't get up the rope.

[Kyle Brandt]

What is your favorite?

[Bill Simmons]

I think it's that lead pipe thing that hits both of them because he.

[Kyle Brandt]

Fakes them out with the swing pants.

[Bill Simmons]

And Harry and Marv think they're smart. It hits both of them and then they fall down through the hole in the floor all the way to the basement. And then he cuts it and it lands on him like macho man off the top rope. Like a finisher move. Yeah, that's the one where I laugh out loud that lead pipe thing, whatever it is.

[Kyle Brandt]

Last one I had was the mom realizing she knows where Kevin is. And I wrote down, she's reprehensibly calm. No wonder he's a psycho. She goes to see him. No embrace. They kind of like. They're kind of like, oh, I knew I'd find you. Yeah, here I am. So like, I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

Merry Christmas, mom.

[Kyle Brandt]

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

[Bill Simmons]

Thank you. Let's go.

[Kyle Brandt]

How'd you know I was here?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I know you and Christmas trees. And this is the biggest one around.

[Kyle Brandt]

Where's everybody else?

[Bill Simmons]

They're at the hotel.

[Kyle Brandt]

They didn't like palm trees either. My wife would have been way more excited to see her son that she'd been separated from by multiple states and. And was passing flyers out.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I. I have some thoughts on this later. And I think there's a reason that Kevin is not excited to see her. That'll.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, great. I can't wait. So what's your most rewatchable scene?

[Bill Simmons]

Give me the chaos. Give me the chaos in the apartments. The destruction. That's why. That's how they marketed this movie too. They sold it like, Kevin's going to beat him up some more. Come on, folks. And it worked.

[Kyle Brandt]

Today's the most rewatchable scene brought to you by Paramount. Plus the solid ICS of make it your mission to watch every mission impossible on Paramount. Plus every dangerous secret, every heart pounding chase, every impossible jaw dropping stunt. Now streaming on Paramount Plus. Okay, what's the most 1992 thing about this movie?

[Bill Simmons]

Okay, you got some clock radios, great.

[Kyle Brandt]

Paper boarding passes that could. If you knock the flight attendant over, it would cause mass chaos and you could get it on plane. That's not happening anymore.

[Bill Simmons]

And Harry rips up Kevin's paper ticket. And Kevin's like, oh, my God, how am I gonna get on the flight? My ticket's ripped off. Now we're.

[Kyle Brandt]

Now we have putting your iPhone to check in and they're going, you got to turn your light up higher. It's not. Now you gotta just push it while seven people are pissed off.

[Bill Simmons]

I hate putting my phone on that thing because then I'm gonna put it next to my face. Yeah, it's sick. You gotta put it closer. I don't want to.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, I don't want to. Do you mind? I don't want to touch. We most 1992 things about this movie, the original World Trade Center.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Which apparently they cut out of the movie for, like, 15 years on the rebroading. I can't believe. And then by 2018, they were like, what are we doing? I. I was very surprised they did that.

[Bill Simmons]

It's sobering. It's. It's the fact that he's up there and it's like this symbol of New York and, like.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And the thing.

[Kyle Brandt]

But I like it now because I. That was such a big part of the city. I don't like, like, a racing history. 1992. That was one of the biggest landmarks the city had, and it should be in the movie.

[Bill Simmons]

I also have it for. Great shot, Gordo. Coming up, they do this incredible. I guess it's a helicopter, so I didn't have drones back then.

[Kyle Brandt]

Right, Kevin?

[Bill Simmons]

And they pull back, like, wow, look how cool New York is.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

It's an awesome moment. It really is.

[Kyle Brandt]

1992. A benevolent Trump cameo.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, that's. That's a good call.

[Kyle Brandt]

Rob Schneider as a hotel bellhop. Although maybe things would circle around where in 2024, he might be playing the hotel bellhop again.

[Bill Simmons]

Or he might be an actual hotel bellhop.

[Kyle Brandt]

Or that, too. Kev.

[Bill Simmons]

The Kev me. That was him tipping ass, eating cookies. Give her the Fruit Stripe. They made a whole career out of that.

[Kyle Brandt]

I had that one, too. Tipping somebody with a Fruit Stripe. Do they still make Fruit Stripe?

[Bill Simmons]

I think they do, and I think they do. I haven't seen it. It's a giraffe logo. My take on Fruit Stripe, and I don't think they're a sponsor. Fastest flavor. Losing gum on the market. You get, like, nine shoes and it's gone.

[Kyle Brandt]

Look at this up.

[Bill Simmons]

Is Fruit Stripe still with us? I hope. I grew up with it.

[Kyle Brandt]

One of the searches is Fruit Stripe discontinued question mark.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, yeah. I don't think it's good about the brand. I think it's somebody because of this movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, the winner for 1992 thing, unless you have any more you want to.

[Bill Simmons]

Throw, I'll submit one.

[Kyle Brandt]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

When Kevin's rolling in the limo and he's eating the pizza, he is drinking a Coca Cola Classic with the classic stamp on.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, man. I like Coca Cola Classic.

[Bill Simmons]

It's great. So they changed the formula to compete with Pepsi, and the people like, what the fuck? This new formula sucks. Well, we'll give you Coca Cola Classic, which is the old formula. To the young people, that must be nuts. But they used to have a can of Coke and would say classic on it. It Just. It just brought me back.

[Kyle Brandt]

Watching it, honestly, it would be like if we just completely changed the Rewatchables and had different categories and it was just a completely different podcast. People are like, what the fuck?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, bring back. Rewatch was.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then I was like, all right, Rewatchables Classic is here now with the old categories.

[Bill Simmons]

Remember when the NBA changed the ball for like five minutes, Right.

[Kyle Brandt]

Everybody got so mad.

[Bill Simmons]

What is this? And Shaq was so pissed. He's like, this ball's terrible.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And they went to Spalding Classic and they brought it back and they haven't changed it since.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, the winner of this category is the Talk Boy.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, let's talk about the Talk Boy. This is perfect.

[Kyle Brandt]

So it was designed as a prop for the film by Tiger Electronics with an eye on the 1992 holiday season. And boy, did it work because it was the best selling toy of 1992. The Talk Boy banger. I. It's basically a tape recorder.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. I think it's just like having like a reporter's tape recorder, but it has that little kind of protrusion on it, which I think maybe gets some distance or something. I know this. Here's another 1992 thing. They also decided to sell a pink and orange colored Talk Girl because they were selling it to. It was the Talk Boy.

[Kyle Brandt]

Come on.

[Bill Simmons]

And the Talk Girl. It's a real thing. And that's how they used to do it back then. It was like the girls toys, the boys toys. There was a Talk Girl. How about that?

[Kyle Brandt]

Don't remember Talk Girl.

[Bill Simmons]

I was. I had sisters.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, they also had video games based on Home Alone 2, made by Sega Genesis, Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Game Boy and personal computers. That was a runner up for most 1992. Thing about the movie that was kind of the. The big quartet along with computers, it's.

[Bill Simmons]

A ton of video games. There's a guy out there called the Angry Video Game Nerd who plays old video games online, and he got Macaulay to show up and play Home Alone games with him like a couple years ago.

[Kyle Brandt]

Really?

[Bill Simmons]

And it's, it's. It's.

[Kyle Brandt]

What was the Home Alone game? I. I definitely did not play that one.

[Bill Simmons]

It was one of those games.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's just in New York, like trying to drop stuff on people.

[Bill Simmons]

No, I remember mostly he's in the house from the first movie. And it's just awful. Looks nothing like the movie. It's just. They're not even trying to make a game. They're just putting Kevin McAllister's face and sell it. Like I got suckered into buying so many of those bad video game movies. There's awful. The Rambo video game was terrible. The Friday the 13th game is legendarily bad. ET is iconic. Like they usually suck if they're, you know, they say they can't make video game movies. Like it's hard to make. They can't make movie video games either. It says it goes both ways.

[Kyle Brandt]

I can't think of any good ones.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know, I mean there's. Listen, we go deep.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm just saying from 80s 90s, I can't remember anyone based on a movie or a TV show that I was super excited to play. The best one that was based on something was the WWF game with your attack team. I don't know if you played that one.

[Bill Simmons]

Played all of those.

[Kyle Brandt]

The tag team was like big boss man. And you can team them up with Andre the Giant.

[Bill Simmons]

Those were amazing. But your point, like, do you ever remember me? Like, oh, I love this Predator home video game or this Terminator home video game. Arcade games. Sure, some of them. But they didn't really do it that much until they got things like Aladdin and Lion King. But those are like Disney products.

[Kyle Brandt]

The 48 Hours video game would have been great. Where Jack Cates was just saying inappropriate racial comments to Reggie Hammond.

[Bill Simmons]

So good.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then Reggie Hammond would punch him. What stage the best. The Plaza Hotel.

[Bill Simmons]

Fantastic.

[Kyle Brandt]

Huge. Basically an advertisement for how cool the Plaza Hotel is. And I don't even know. I haven't stayed there since I went with my daughter. I have no idea where, where it stands in 2024.

[Bill Simmons]

We were probably five years ago. It's classy. Super classy.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's the thing and that. It's like the kind of place you have tea on the first floor and there's like five seven year old aunts.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Having tea and somebody's putting a little. Little nip in one of them.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, definitely a little flask. I, growing up in Chicago, I looked at Plaza as the Plaza as the symbol of wealth in New York City. Also looked at Trump.

[Kyle Brandt]

Where's it in Chicago?

[Bill Simmons]

No, I mean I would.

[Kyle Brandt]

No, but where's the Plaza in Chicago? Is it.

[Bill Simmons]

No, there isn't one. It's just like I, when I would look at New York, I'd be like, wow, the Plaza is what New York wealth is all about. From my Chicago.

[Kyle Brandt]

I thought you said they had the pool and the.

[Bill Simmons]

So it's the pool. I think it's in like a Four Seasons or something. It's not a plaza.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's not even a plaza. So there's only one plaza in New York. That's it.

[Bill Simmons]

That's the one that's also makes it special.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, the one. What's the one in Chicago that you have? The old school hotel.

[Bill Simmons]

There's a couple of them now we're side.

[Kyle Brandt]

Now we're sidewalking.

[Bill Simmons]

Now we're just. We're deep in.

[Kyle Brandt]

There's that one. It's like that old one near where MJ used to live. I'm blanking on it.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I don't know what it is either.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think every city has.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, the Drake.

[Kyle Brandt]

The Drake.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, the Drake Hotel.

[Kyle Brandt]

The Drake is the Plaza for Chicago.

[Bill Simmons]

They referenced the Drake Hotel in Mission Impossible 1. Yeah, we were just talking about that movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

What stage the best FAO Schwartz is Duncan's Toy Chest. They just basically flipped it over. I have a bunch. What do you give me your best before Quick ones.

[Bill Simmons]

I love that. Just everybody's back for the sequel that ages well. Yeah, there's not a.

[Kyle Brandt]

They only change one sibling. One of the. One of them.

[Bill Simmons]

It's one of the ones you don't give a about. Yeah, but there's not a George McFly recast in Back to the Future 2 where like we couldn't get Crispin or we couldn't get Uncle Frank even like everyone's there. I like that in a sequel, it's full set.

[Kyle Brandt]

The dad's not different.

[Bill Simmons]

No, it's, it's. It's our same dad. Same everybody say. And that's just like same movie, dude. It works. I think that's a big part of it too.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

What else you got?

[Kyle Brandt]

The fear of losing your kid in an airport. It's funny to watch this when you're younger. I think even through your mid-20s, before you have kids, you kind of still watch movies from the kids perspective, even though you're grown up. But then when you become a parent, you watch it from the parents perspective. And to hustle through an airport, being late for a flight with eight family members to be like my idea of hell. I'd be so nervous we're gonna not have a bag. Somebody like you're just scrambling around. So I'm not defending the McAllisters because they lost Kevin twice in a three year span, but I'm just saying I understand it.

[Bill Simmons]

You're so afraid of it. You would never do it. You would never get there late. You would never be running because you'd.

[Kyle Brandt]

Be there four hours early.

[Bill Simmons]

When my kid is Looking through snacks at the Hudson News in the airport and I can't see him for a second. I start to panic. The protective instincts kick in. Everyone's an asshole at the airport. Everyone's in a hurry. They don't care. You don't lose your kid in the airport.

[Kyle Brandt]

If you do terrified Tim Curry, the perfect creepy hotel boss.

[Bill Simmons]

That blend of him from the Grinch shot into Tim Curry's smile. What's your relationship with Tim Curry like? Like, what's your favorite?

[Kyle Brandt]

It always has made me uneasy. I've never liked him. Yeah, that's what.

[Bill Simmons]

That's his deal. So, like, I'm a big clue guy. Like, he's awesome. In Clue Legend with Tom Cruise, he plays the villain. Like, I just. I love all of that stuff. So. And I. I think he is so good in this movie. And if Tim Curry doesn't work in this movie, he loses your interest.

[Kyle Brandt]

Using the talk boy talking in slow motion to get a hotel room. Just ingenious by Kevin. So leave the phone call.

[Bill Simmons]

This is Mr. McAllister credit card. You got it. The lady's like, is this Mr. Jame Gum checking into the hotel? Do you have a room for a great big fat person? By the way, the lady who's taking that reservation is Chris Columbus wife. Pretty cool, that hood.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, interesting.

[Bill Simmons]

For the hotel. Yeah, she's in the movie. Pretty cool.

[Kyle Brandt]

How about Kieran Culkin as a little brother?

[Bill Simmons]

Let's do it. I mean, definitely. I think he's top of the list. Age the best.

[Kyle Brandt]

Just waiting for him to drop Roman lines.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, he's. Now he's. He used to be the guy who pissed the bed. Now he's sending dick pics to mature women across the Waystar Royco conference table. The best scene in that series by far. Sends it to his dad instead, mistakenly.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's so funny to see him as a little kid and think he's gonna go on to.

[Bill Simmons]

Fuller.

[Kyle Brandt]

The most depraved characters in the history of HBO. Yeah, it's like Roman reign out of B.C.

[Bill Simmons]

Fuller, easy on the Pepsi. Fuller, easy on the dick pics. I love Fuller.

[Kyle Brandt]

Two more. No CGI for the pigeon attack. They actually use pigeons. Great stuff. Now they would just, like fake it. John Williams is the score. Great stuff.

[Bill Simmons]

And I mean Williams. How about this? He just casually does this and then he's just right on a Jurassic park next project. Like, what a legend.

[Kyle Brandt]

They're like, hey, John Williams, do you have anything? Yeah, for Home Alone. It's going to make about 400 million. Hold on. Let me go to my garage, think something out, let me.

[Bill Simmons]

Know.

[Kyle Brandt]

Christmas theme, right? No, I got you Kevin's room service bill. So this was what was on it. Two chocolate cakes, six chocolate mousses with chocolate, vanilla and strawberry ice cream topped with M&Ms. Chocolate sprinkles, cherries, nuts, marshmallows, caramel syrup, chocolate syrup, strawberry syrup, whipped cream, bananas, six custard flans, a pastry cart, eight strawberry tarts, and 36 chocolate covered strawberries. Again, he's American Psycho.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's crazy for one person. That's insane.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, you can't consume that much in a few days. A couple years after that he's.

[Kyle Brandt]

He becomes a diabetic.

[Bill Simmons]

He has to go right to the hospital. Give me three scoops. I'm not driving. Oh, you're driving to the hospital, Kevin. You Definitely are level 03.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kevin's out of insulin. There's just no way you could eat that much as a 10 year old when you're 4ft and lift the television.

[C]

I think it's also like an F you to his parents. I think this is like, I'm going to run up the bill.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, interesting.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And so he's being like, screw you. I'm going to be the highest bill possible because you guys ditch me again. Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Craig, what's the most you could spend on room service nowadays?

[C]

I feel like you can. One person. I mean, dude, you get Uber eats for one person. It's like $65. So it's easy. Now.

[Bill Simmons]

That was Craig's lunch. Chicken cacciatorium. $65. That's true. Room service under a hundred dollars for one person. A sandwich, like a salad and like a glass of wine. Forget about it. It's. It's a hundred dollars. Yeah, it's nuts.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then it's like they do the thing where it's. The service charges in there. But does that mean the person who brought this, it's not a tip for him. Okay, so it is a tip.

[Bill Simmons]

You. I think the idea is you're not supposed to tip. But I'm so worried about not tipping that I also tip. But then I feel like a SAP. I think I was just taking advantage of.

[Kyle Brandt]

They don't tell you.

[C]

Have you guys ever seen the bellhop do the Rob Schneider finger thing to you?

[Kyle Brandt]

The.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, the. Like, what do you got?

[C]

Like you want the rubbing the fingers together like it's time for pay? No.

[Bill Simmons]

Does that really happen or is that only.

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't think it happens. Those people get out. They, they get out fast. In hotels, they don't do the thing.

[Bill Simmons]

They say three times. Anything else I can do for you? Anything else? It's a room temperature to your liking.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's.

[Bill Simmons]

That's what they're saying.

[Kyle Brandt]

Movie trip.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

The Fortune 3 Clap Award for most giffable moment. Has to be her screaming Kevin, right? Yeah, yeah. The mom.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great shot. Go to award. You had it. The. The. That drone shot was really cool. Whatever they did. Den of Thieves, Benihana Awards scene. Stealing location. I could give you New York City. I could give you Duncan's toy chest. Or you just give me the Plaza.

[Bill Simmons]

The Plaza? Yeah. Did I take some of the magic out when I told you there's no pool at the Plaza? I feel like I ruined it for you a little bit.

[Kyle Brandt]

It was fine.

[Bill Simmons]

It's like there was no basement in the Alamo.

[Kyle Brandt]

Why I. If I'm staying at the Plaza? Why am I like. Hold on. I got. I brought my trunks.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, you're.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm there to, like, use New York City. I'm right in the middle of everything.

[Bill Simmons]

It's right next to Central Park. Be a little weird to swim. And the pool would probably be small. You're right. Okay.

[Kyle Brandt]

Big Kahuna Burger Award. Best use of food or drink. Has to be the. The room service order. What stage the worst. You mentioned this. A clock radio accident causing 10 people in the house to be late.

[Bill Simmons]

Come on.

[Kyle Brandt]

Ridiculous. What else you have? I have a bunch.

[Bill Simmons]

When the family goes down to Florida, they stay in this crappy motel. Hotels are motels that advertise adult movies on the sign. You don't see that anymore. Does that exist? Like a porn movie is basically. Is what they're saying, you know?

[Kyle Brandt]

The only thing that's left is hbo. You'll see that. Like, there's some LA hotels where you'll see, like, free HBO is still on there. That's the only thing I've seen.

[Bill Simmons]

Craig, let me ask you. Do you. Do you know what the term Spectra Vision is? Does that mean anything to you?

[C]

No.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay, so Spectra Vision, which they used to nickname Spanked revision, was you could be in a hotel and you would. You would order porn movies on the tv.

[C]

Spank revision. I remember skin.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Spank division walks. So skin could run or vice versa. But the phrase bill would always be. Movie titles do not appear on the bill.

[Kyle Brandt]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

Because it'd be like horny sorority girls 1299. It would just say movie. They don't do that much anymore.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, so then you'd pay the Movie and you'd have your room service bill in. The normal pay per views were like 9.99, but the Spectra Vision was like 2499.

[Bill Simmons]

They were so expensive. Buy it.

[Kyle Brandt]

So you're checking out and they know it's like, oh, you got the 2499.

[Bill Simmons]

And yeah, like, I remember staying in a hotel with my dad. He was asleep and I, I. And he's like, did you order a movie last night? I'm like, no. So I think one of my friends did it. We're on vacation in a hotel. One of your friends, they just don't do porn in hotels like that anymore. So I got that I should say, is the worst.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, that was a big, that was a big ball bus, like guys thing. If you were in somebody's hotel room, you order it when they're in the bathroom.

[Bill Simmons]

And you'd order ones that were, let's just say were unflattering types of porn that would reflect poorly on them.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then the guy after, like, why don't you tell me? I would have watched it.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, fine. If I'm going to pay for it, I might as well watch it. So porn in hotels.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And then I just generally have Uncle Frank. I mean, much has been said about Uncle Frank, but like, where do you start? Like, Uncle Frank definitely hits children. Like, to this day, he's a menace. Everything bad.

[Kyle Brandt]

Uncle Chan. Uncle Frank is being taken out of the house in handcuffs because he has stuff on his computer.

[Bill Simmons]

Phil just took it to a 10. I'm like, he's kind of a jerk, Bill. He watches children's porn. Oh my God. But you know what? You might be right. Do you know the deleted scene? There's an infamous deleted scene with Uncle Frank.

[Kyle Brandt]

What?

[Bill Simmons]

It's in the house before they leave home alone 2 before they leave for the trip. And Kevin's bitching or something and Uncle Frank sits him down and I'm not making this up, you're gonna think I'm joking. He pulls Kevin's pants down and laughs and walks away. So Kevin's left there in his underwear and we're like, dude, I think that's assault. Like, you can't do that to a kid, not your own kid. He pulls his pants down just to fuck with him and laughs and walk away. So Frank is, I mean, Frank crazier than Kevin? Yeah, gotta be.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, he's also like totally nonplussed that he's showering and Kevin's like pulling a prank on him.

[Bill Simmons]

He does have an all time line though. It's secondhand line when Kevin goes, uncle Frank says, if I walk in there and see him naked, I won't grow up, feel like a real man. Awesome. What a great line.

[Kyle Brandt]

That seems like something a family member would say.

[Bill Simmons]

Awesome. That. See uncle. My uncle said that to me. I think that'd be funny more.

[Kyle Brandt]

Would say it's the worst. The head of the hotel just waltzing into a room and watching someone shower in a bathroom.

[Bill Simmons]

Little weird.

[Kyle Brandt]

Although it's Tim Curry. So you expect it?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I got a fun one. Well.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, go ahead.

[Bill Simmons]

All right. So can we talk about the Joe Pesci swearing in this movie?

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So he's coming off Goodfellas where every other word is F bomb. And it's. Why you little. Chupa, chupa, chuba, chuba, chubba. He does that non stop. He does this swearing where he's not saying anything because it's a kid's movie. So to watch Pesci, who is like the Michelangelo of movie swearing, have to go through these scenes where he's getting his nuts crushed and he's not allowed to swear. Always say, seems it's so strange to me.

[Kyle Brandt]

It almost seems like they've. They've put him in TBS with dubbing or editing ahead of time.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes, but before he even does it.

[Kyle Brandt]

You just want him to scream him. How the fuck am I funny?

[Bill Simmons]

I know, right?

[Kyle Brandt]

Why am I funny? How the fuck am I funny? Little kid that loves weird 1930s gangster movies.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, very strange watching that movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Didn't know anyone at any point who's like, hey, Tommy's coming over, like, to play with your son. He loves 1930s gangster movies. Yeah, but he should be watching the original Scarface.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Pretty strange.

[Bill Simmons]

It is strange.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then Michael Jackson visited Macaulay Culkin on the set. I'm just, without comment, gonna say that. Stage the worst. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy Ruffalo hand Rubenick Partridge overacting award.

[Bill Simmons]

They knew and they let it happen. Don't you call me lady. I come in here, I give these things to you.

[Kyle Brandt]

Give it all you got.

[Bill Simmons]

Give it all you got. I treated you like a son. You fucking stabbed me in the heart. Fuck you.

[Kyle Brandt]

Who would you give it to?

[Bill Simmons]

There's a guy in this movie has a very small part who makes me laugh every single Christmas when I watch it. And when Kevin's trying to run on the plane and the boarding passes get knocked down and the lady's picking him up, the supervisor comes over and this guy just goes, boredom. But make sure he finds his family and that guy puts every ounce of his bean in that line. Like, that's his eight Mile moment. He is so excited about that line. So that's it.

[Kyle Brandt]

That VHS is getting sent out to 100 ages.

[Bill Simmons]

On my real. I'm home alone too. I'm with Macaulay. I share a scene together. I'm going to be a fudgeing movie star because of the words boredom. And he is so over the top and so stupid. I got boredom guy, which is two.

[Kyle Brandt]

Words I like over better than any of my candidates.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you got?

[Kyle Brandt]

What was your. What was your real. What was like, the number one thing on your reel?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, my acting real or my sports media acting real? Just Days of Our Lives scenes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Making yourself cry in a hospital because you had cancer?

[Bill Simmons]

I lost my leg. My character lost a leg on a landmine. Yes. I'm not making it up.

[Kyle Brandt]

Your character lost a leg at a landmine.

[Bill Simmons]

Character was a soldier. War. I became the first amputee character in daytime TV history.

[Kyle Brandt]

Days of Our Lives.

[Bill Simmons]

Days of Our Lives. Yeah. Three and a half years and wait.

[Kyle Brandt]

For three and a half years, you didn't have a leg?

[Bill Simmons]

No, for like two years I didn't have a leg. You know, so you have to, like.

[Kyle Brandt]

Pretend you didn't have a leg for multiple.

[Bill Simmons]

I had a prosthesis and I would, like, limp. And then the craziest thing is Paul McCartney's wife at the time was a real life amputee from Landmines. And I came in, I did a scene with Heather Mills McCartney on Days of Our Lives where we're, like, crying about how we don't have a leg. That really happened in my life. That was the thing was that.

[Kyle Brandt]

Was that your number one real thing?

[Bill Simmons]

Probably was, yeah. Probably was, yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Was there a better title for this movie? I would have gone with Home Alone 2. How terrible were these parents? Question mark.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, that would be. I don't know if it would have been better.

[Kyle Brandt]

Home alone 2. More child negligence.

[Bill Simmons]

Home alone 2. Protective services. That's home alone 3. You can't lose them three times.

[Kyle Brandt]

Can you dig it? A word for most memorable quote. It's just Kevin again.

[Bill Simmons]

Kevin. I also do, like, suck brick, kid. I say that sometimes when we play basketball and volleyball. It's fun.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's take a break and then we'll do the hottest take. This episode is brought to you by Vuori. Vuori is performance apparel that's designed for working out, but doesn't look or feel like it. And let me tell you, the Ponto Performance Jogger is a game changer. It's part of Viori's dream knit collection. It's super soft, it's lightweight. It's perfect for me because, as you know, I like to walk. I walk all over the place. I do zooms, I make phone calls, I listen to podcasts. And it's about to get cold. It was short season for a while. Now in la it's a little chilly, especially in the mornings. You can walk around in these all day. Keep you comfortable for hours without sacrificing style. You can relax in them in your house. Go to viori.comringer to get 20% off your first purchase. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. Come to me.

[Bill Simmons]

Focus Features invites you to succumb to the darkness. From director Robert Eggers comes a masterpiece of horror. He is coming. This creature is a force more powerful.

[C]

Than evil is death itself.

[Bill Simmons]

Nosferatu. We do under 17nm without parent only Beaters. This Wednesday, special engagements in Dolby and imax.

[Kyle Brandt]

All right, the CR thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford. Hottest take award, what do you got?

[Bill Simmons]

All right, so I actually have two. The first one, I think we learn in this second movie, and I think Kevin learns Kevin wants to be alone. I think Kevin is wanting to be apart from his family. And by the time the movie's over, I think he's actually pissed off when she finds him at Rockefeller Center. I think he orchestrates it at the airport. I think that thing with the batteries is all bullshit that he set up ahead of time. At no point in this movie does he try to find his parents. Does he talk to anybody about his parents. First movie, he goes to Santa Claus and says, can you please bring my family back? This movie, he doesn't do any of that. And he's like, he's pumped. Yeah, this is a high IQ independent child who doesn't belong in a conventional family structure. He's got a sick ass apartment, eats whatever he wants. He's got friends he hangs out with. He's got a fucking pool. And I think when she shows up at the end, she's like, Kevin, he's ah, fuck. It's like when your parents come home and you had a babysitter. Like, the party's over. I think he doesn't want to be with his family and his family sucks as well. And they set that up in the first act of the movie. I think he wants to be alone and is totally bummed out when he's not.

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't think you're wrong. I think the Internet comes about five years later. And Kevin doesn't have another relationship with another human being. No, it's just he's early message boards probably at that point. He's 14.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

When? When, like the first wave. He definitely has AOL in, like, 95. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

He's. Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's probably goes to college for computer programming.

[Bill Simmons]

Also kind of a freak. Like, he likes torturing people. I think he's into cyber sex and all that stuff. Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

He probably gets into some dark places of the dark web by the time he's 19. I like that one.

[Bill Simmons]

My second take. This is this simple. I think Harry and Marv are lovers. Really, I do. They've been in prison together multiple times.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't really know why.

[Kyle Brandt]

They're wet bandits and then the sticky bandits.

[Bill Simmons]

Wet and sticky.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Bill Simmons]

They talk about when this is over, we're gonna go abroad together. The first time we see Harry, he's in a policeman's uniform, which I think he owns and, like, uses in his personal life. And I don't know why else Harry is with Marv. Marv's bringing nothing to the table. It's not like he's the computer hacker or, like, the muscle. I think that they're in a relationship. And the only fly in the ointment is that in this movie that Marv, like, gets kind of horny about the blonde lady on the sidewalk. But I think he's, like, fresh out of prison and just looking to, like, screw anything. And I think Harry doesn't like it when he flirts with the blonde woman. So I think Harry and Marv are like, our lovers. And, like, they're head over heels for each other. That's. That's. That's what we do. They're going to Mexico together after this.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's a great. Hottest thing. I.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you got?

[Kyle Brandt]

I. That's. I mean, you really went for it. Because I was, like, ashamed of mine because it's probably too over the top. But now I feel.

[Bill Simmons]

No, let's go. Come on, Bill.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think this is a movie about a little kid fighting off the dangers of child trafficking.

[Bill Simmons]

Do this. Let's go.

[Kyle Brandt]

From. From the get go. This kid is just in peril and in danger, and everybody is coming after him at all times. And everybody is some sort of avatar for. Be careful. If you're a little kid heading to. When the pigeon lady saves Kevin, it's in the exact same spot as the climactic scene in Cruising with Al Pacino.

[Bill Simmons]

I know either cruising or Nell was going to come up. Which one of hers is the same spot?

[Kyle Brandt]

It seems like the same spot. I was looking at it. It was like there was the bench.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

There was like, the little hill. There was a little bridge. I was like, what are they trying to tell us? That's all I got. And Kevin is the hottest take.

[Bill Simmons]

That's right. We listen to the episode sometimes. Sometimes it's just an interesting take. It's a fun take. It's supposed to be a ridiculous take. You don't really believe.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. No. Tightest take. It's like trafficking. I talk myself into believing this.

[Bill Simmons]

That's how you do it. Good job, Bill.

[Kyle Brandt]

Casting what ifs. Great job by you. So only a couple. Chris Columbus wanted Gene Wilder to play the role of Mr. Duncan, the toy store guy beneath him. He. He turned it down.

[Bill Simmons]

Too small of a part.

[Kyle Brandt]

So they got Roy Wally.

[Bill Simmons]

Damn right they got Roy Wally.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then there's a legitimate Ali Sheedy cameo for keeping our Brat Pack roots.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. So this is a cameo, right? Like that? Yeah, it's. She's winking at the camera. It's not like just a small part that Ali Sheedy took.

[Kyle Brandt]

No, because she's still pretty big and. Yeah, yeah, she's really big enough to.

[Bill Simmons]

Be like, holy shit, they got Ali Sheedy. It's like. Like the Rock showing up or something.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. No, it's an odd part like she. But I think it's John Hughes. Yeah, she was in a couple. John Hughes.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. It's good to see her. I think she's wearing a wig, too. That blonde hair. I don't know if that's hers best.

[Kyle Brandt]

That guy word is clearly Eddie Bracken, who plays Mr. Duncan, who is also Roy Wally in Wally World and was in pretty much every Hughes movie in some way.

[Bill Simmons]

He was also he. In the movie Rookie of the Year. He owns the Cubs. That movie directed by Marv. So there's some right there. Yeah. And he's in it as well.

[Kyle Brandt]

Do you know his name was Eddie Bracken?

[Bill Simmons]

No. Yeah, but that's. I gather he was like, massive, like in the 50s, 60s, 40s, like that. I've not seen those films. I'm not Kevin McAu. I don't watch old black and white movies.

[Kyle Brandt]

Dion Waiter's a word. Pigeon ladies in it too much. Schneider is a candidate Buzz.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Kyle Brandt]

Roy Wally. I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

Curry probably in it too much. How about my guy? How about. How about Johnny in the movie? In the. In the old Movie. The black and white movie. Ralph Foodie is his name.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, that guy. That's good.

[Bill Simmons]

I like that. O D. Yeah. You've been smooching with everybody. Like, that guy's kind of iconic.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. He's like James Cagney. You're right.

[Bill Simmons]

You know how we said you got to have Macaulay and then Pesci? I think you got to have that guy too.

[Kyle Brandt]

Right. You can't have home alone. It's a great call.

[Bill Simmons]

Ralph Foodie.

[Kyle Brandt]

F O D Y Recasting Couch Director City. I've never been a Buzz guy.

[Bill Simmons]

Talk about Buzz. Yeah, go ahead. He's annoying.

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't know. Just now, it's. It's too stereotypical. Annoying brother I don't like. Nobody would be named Buzz in real life that we would take seriously. You just hear, you see the haircut. You just know he's gonna be a dick. It's just too easy.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Buzz is the name of a spaceman in Pixar movies. It's. It's. I in the first movie, I kind of like Buzz because he's like, he has that. The shelves where he has a tarantula and he has a playboy and he has money and, like, Buzz is definitely going to have, like, weed and stuff and pills there. Eventually, Buzz is going to party hard. Like, Buzz is going to burn out. But the opening scene of the movie, Buzz couple Kennedys. Oh, yeah. Like he knows them all. Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's one of the cousins of the scapegoats.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes, yes. And Buzz just keeps falling upward in life because he has people. But, yeah, he doesn't do much for me.

[Kyle Brandt]

Craig, do you know any. Anybody named Buzz who turned out to be a good guy?

[C]

Aldrin.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Well, he did. That's a pretty big one.

[C]

Yeah. Didn't know him personally.

[Kyle Brandt]

90, right?

[Bill Simmons]

Good friends with Stanley Kubrick as far as I understand. Right.

[Kyle Brandt]

So Buzz Aldrin is our last Buzz.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And Buzz Aldrin will punch you in the face if you say he didn't land on the moon. He did it. It's on camera. It's an amazing video. Yeah. Buzz Aldrin. Buzz Lightyear.

[Kyle Brandt]

Fictional character.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And then Buzz Cutts and Buzz Saw from the running man. Our guy, but not a lot of those.

[C]

Should I throw Buzz on the. On the list for my firstborn.

[Kyle Brandt]

Buzz Horlbeck.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Not even a nickname. The real name. Put it on.

[C]

Buzz Horlbeck kind of plays Horrock.

[Kyle Brandt]

Sounds like tight end and the Saints. Taste of hills Out. Buzz Horbeck. Start him this week.

[Bill Simmons]

Pull him off waivers. Buzz Horbeck always gets red zone targets. Taysom Hill likes throwing to him when he's in. Buzz Horbeck, number 83.

[Kyle Brandt]

Quietly four touchdowns at his last five games.

[Bill Simmons]

Bill, where did Buzz Horbeck go to college? Where do you play college ball?

[Kyle Brandt]

North Carolina State.

[Bill Simmons]

Why? Why? Just. That's the first. Yeah, that's great.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's big. Three time. All acc. Yeah. Craig, you did it.

[Bill Simmons]

NC State.

[Kyle Brandt]

Romo Collinsworth or someone else for the director's commentary.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you got?

[Kyle Brandt]

I got Mike Breen.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, you got Mike Breen.

[Kyle Brandt]

Here's Kevin with another brick bag.

[Bill Simmons]

I was going to do Scott Hansen.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh.

[Bill Simmons]

But I think after Ohio State, Michigan.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, Gus.

[Bill Simmons]

I think it has to be Gus. And I think it's Kevin McAllister. Young fella soaked the whole rope in kerosene. Light cement stories. McAllister the hero. Oh, how does he do that?

[Kyle Brandt]

Unbelievable.

[Bill Simmons]

Lights a match. I love you, Gus. Awesome. That's so good.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great stuff.

[Bill Simmons]

I mean, Gus, you really went for it. I feel like Gus is Apex.

[Kyle Brandt]

I haven't seen you go to a place like that since you're with Heather Mills. McCartney.

[Bill Simmons]

I went to a deep place that.

[Kyle Brandt]

Might have to go in your reel.

[Bill Simmons]

It's incredible. It's kind of disrespectful that I was pretending I lost the leg and she actually lost the leg.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's why you're an actor. That's why they call it act right half ass Internet research. Hughes finished writing this film by February 1991 after signing a six picture deal with 20th Century Fox, which it started a little sideways for him. That's when we got. What was the female Home Alone one? Curly Sue.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, yeah, Curly Sue.

[Kyle Brandt]

John Belushi or John Belushi went a little sideways. So Lenny McAllister, Kevin's older sister, was previously portrayed by Angela Gothels in the first film, replaced by Maureen Elizabeth Shea if you're keeping score at home.

[Bill Simmons]

Got her.

[Kyle Brandt]

The show Kevin's watching in the first scene is a fictional game show called Ding Dang Dong. It was taped on the set of an actual game show called 100,000 Fortune Hunt Illinois, hosted by Bob Eubank, the one, the only, Bobby Banks. So Donald Trump would only let them shoot in the plaza if he had a cameo, plus a fee for the film production. So they agreed to give him the cameo. And then they were going to cut it out, but then they actually kind of liked it when the cameo works.

[Bill Simmons]

Well.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, the cameo's solid.

[Bill Simmons]

It's weird. Like, if you're just a young person. You know, Trump only is a politician. Like, back then, he was known as just, like, the rich guy. Like, the rich guy and the guy who, like, went through rough marriages and stuff. That was his whole reputation.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, I don't know who that is now.

[Bill Simmons]

The rich guy. I mean, you know, Bezos, like, he's on yachts and stuff.

[Kyle Brandt]

But it was like Trump's thing was, like, we didn't even know how much money he had, but he was. He was kind of 80s, excess personified. But going through divorces, there was always women. It always seemed like he might go bankrupt. Like he was playing Monopoly and just, like, buying houses as soon as he.

[Bill Simmons]

Could own every building in New York. And we just didn't have as much access to him. But again, as a kid in Chicago, I was like, wow, Donald Trump's the richest man ever. Like, I was. That's what he stood for, and that's why he's in the movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

So apparently Pesci suffered burns to his head while filming the scene when Harry's hat got set on fire. That's the thing that happened.

[Bill Simmons]

Do you think Pesci, like, enjoyed this experience making this movie?

[Kyle Brandt]

I think they just overpaid him.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay. And he's like, I gotta take this money. I'd do the sequel. Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think Pesci was smart enough to know, like, I'm having a little run right now.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I could.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm gonna make my Lethal Weapon 2 money. I'm gonna make my home alone 2 money. I'll make my Cousin Vinny. All this is leading toward me making With Honors with Brendan Frazier, and my run will be over by, like, 96.

[Bill Simmons]

If he had that, that's the foresight. Because he might have been like, how? I mean, what am I? Am I gonna be, Tom Cruise? Like, I'm this little short guy who beats people up. He has this charming anecdote that he told in an interview where he says, children come up to me and they say they know me from the movie, and they want me to come and rob their house so they can beat me up. And I still get that to this day. And I was like, oh, that's a charming little story that he has kids that know him from home.

[Kyle Brandt]

Do you think he's ever been assaulted by a little kid because they think.

[Bill Simmons]

They have the right to do it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, maybe some little kid just runs in, punches him in the ball, right.

[Bill Simmons]

To the face at the airport. He says he liked it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Lot of promotional partners in this movie, including American Airlines, Coca Cola, Jack in the Box, Hardee's, Roy Rogers restaurants. This was right as they were really starting to figure out how to grab extra money with the movie. So the pigeon attack, apparently they covered them with real bird seeds. And those were 300 real pigeons. And at one point, one of them got into Daniel Stern's mouth and it just sounded horrible. I don't think they paid those guys enough.

[Bill Simmons]

That's disgusting.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, it's disgusting.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't like. I'm not into that at all.

[Kyle Brandt]

They spent a lot of money on an artificial snow, and then New York had a blizzard, so they didn't need the snow.

[Bill Simmons]

I love when that happens.

[Kyle Brandt]

House was 51 West 95th. That was Uncle Rob and Aunt Georgette's house that's being renovated.

[Bill Simmons]

It's great looking.

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't know if you know that neighborhood at all well.

[Bill Simmons]

Again, the prodigious wealth of the McAllisters. I mean, like, they have this incredible brownstone that they're doing at Full gut. Right. The price of that. And then obviously, people have said a lot of things about the McAllister, but.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yet they're staying at a motel with, like, free porn.

[Bill Simmons]

Is that. And they're all flying to France in the first one. They're riding first class to France. Like, that is a really expensive. But they're at a shitty motel. And then Uncle Frank's like, it wasn't like this on our honeymoon. I think the joke is Uncle Frank set up that hotel and he's a scumbag or something.

[Kyle Brandt]

Entertainment Weekly had a real medical doctor checking out the effects of Heron Marv's injuries and said, at best, brain damage, at worst. At worst, death.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

That was where they landed on that. I like that. They needed to actually assign a story to figure that out.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Look at this movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Four bricks from a four story drop. You're dying.

[Bill Simmons]

It's the same people who are like, you know, Batman's equipment really wouldn't work like that. We know, dude.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, we get it.

[Bill Simmons]

We understand. We don't need an expert. It bothers me.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's why we have a nitpicks category in the Rewatchables. We like to like to tweak it.

[Bill Simmons]

Let's tweak it.

[Kyle Brandt]

But I wouldn't assign a story to find out.

[Bill Simmons]

Pay an expert.

[Kyle Brandt]

Apex Mountain Culkin.

[Bill Simmons]

I think it is.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, I think it is, too, because now he's had three hits in a row and we're heading toward Good Son. And this movie made almost $400 million.

[Bill Simmons]

And it sucks. Too. Because Apex Mountain means you're the highest you're ever going to get. But it's going to go down. Yeah, it did go down quickly.

[Kyle Brandt]

Sucks for everybody but Sly Stallone, right?

[Bill Simmons]

Exactly right.

[Kyle Brandt]

His Apex Mountain was just Mount Everest. And he's still up there.

[Bill Simmons]

Still up there to this day.

[Kyle Brandt]

I can't believe he never came down. Pigeon ladies. Apex Mountain.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And you could also homeless characters like I. Benevolent Christmas.

[Kyle Brandt]

Homeless characters?

[Bill Simmons]

Yes, homeless characters who are not a criminal, a drug addict or mentally ill. I guess he really hit the lottery with that one.

[Kyle Brandt]

New York City is a holiday movie location.

[Bill Simmons]

For me it is. Yeah. And for me it is. In the last 30 years, Chicago's got.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm sure we're forgetting some important holiday.

[Bill Simmons]

You know, Miracle on 34th street is an iconic Christmas movie, and they renated it with Dylan McDermott a few years ago. But I like this better. This is massive.

[Kyle Brandt]

Catherine O'Hara.

[Bill Simmons]

That's a good one because she just. She blew up with Schitt's Creek in terms of, like, the. The fan hood and everyone that showed.

[Kyle Brandt]

She also had a whole. The Christopher Guest movies, which is my favorite stuff that she's done.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, my God. Waiting for Guffman's. Unbelievable. I love that.

[Kyle Brandt]

What's the one? Is it Best in Show or Waiting for Government? Best in show.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

When she. She just has a history with, like, every guy, and the guy's like. The guy's, like, slowly figuring out, and people are flirting with her. Like, I remember that time in Tulsa.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

I love that movie. John heard a lot of possibilities for him. He's in Big.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great Sopranos run for him. But I think he became. It's right around here because he became like, oh, John Hurd, Home Alone Dad. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And he's such a dopey character. Like, he must not be that proud of it. It's a stupid role. I like him in Big. I don't get it. I don't get it.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's great.

[Bill Simmons]

Great and big.

[Kyle Brandt]

The Plaza.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know the history of it. I'm sure presidents have stayed there. I'm sure FDR stayed there. Like, I don't know, like, from a pop culture standpoint.

[C]

Herbert Hoover. That's what they say in the movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, that's right. Okay. Hoover. I don't know. Is that first class president?

[Kyle Brandt]

I would say, for the Plaza. Pop culture standpoint, definitely.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes, definitely.

[Kyle Brandt]

Losing your kids in a movie.

[Bill Simmons]

This or Taken? Taken is pretty big.

[Kyle Brandt]

This made more money than Taken.

[Bill Simmons]

This is a bigger movie than Taken.

[Kyle Brandt]

And soaking a rope in kerosene. Definitely Daniel Stern. I'm going to say yes. Pesci. 92.

[Bill Simmons]

Stern. Yeah. Stern was great at the time. I loved him in Wonder Years. Great career. But this is it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Pesci. We listed what his 92 was. It's pretty unbelievable coming off Goodfellas.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Then these three movies all in the same year. Dude, I gotta tell you, sky's the limit.

[Bill Simmons]

I, I, I watched the Tales from the Crypt episode. The Peshi was in this week in preparation for this. It's batshit. Joey Pants is in it. Oh. Paulie from Rocky is in it. And Pesci gets sawed in half by two twins. And then they have sex with half of his body. It's right in this run. It's like 1993. 92. He did a Tales from the Crypt episode. Michael Kamen does the music. Like, it is a crazy episode. I watched the whole thing. I love Tales from the Crypt. But that run you're talking about is. This is in that too. He decided to just do it. I don't know why. It's so weird.

[Kyle Brandt]

You know what Tales from the Crypt is, Craig?

[C]

I don't.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. See, Craig missed out on a lot of great HBO content just by being too young.

[Bill Simmons]

That's on my HBO Rushmore. And that's a talk.

[Kyle Brandt]

You know the Hitchhiker, right? No, the Hitchhiker. Another one. You remember the Hitchhiker?

[Bill Simmons]

I know the hitchhiker. Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

My buddy Jeff, one of my best friends. My best friend from high school who was really excited about Yacht Rock, and he's like, yacht Rock did well. Do you think you could get him to bring back the Hitchhiker?

[Bill Simmons]

As long as they bring on. Bring Back. Dream On. Dream on is on my marshmallow as well.

[Kyle Brandt]

We were trying to figure the hitchhiker. Just like. I guess the premise would be he landed. He's just in Malibu now.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, he's like.

[Kyle Brandt]

He stopped hitchhiking, but now he's something. One last job. Ropes it back into one more hitchhike.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, it's like you guys with Running Scared. Like, they're in Key West. They're just retired. Like, what do we do now?

[Kyle Brandt]

Just kind of breaks the thumb out, I guess.

[Bill Simmons]

For good times sake.

[Kyle Brandt]

One last one for Apex Mound. Brenda Fricker. This is right before she's in so I Married an Axe Murderer as the moment where she's just like the horny Mike Myers mom. And she's great in that movie. So it's right around here for her pregnant man.

[Bill Simmons]

Gives birth. That's a fact, Mom. I find it interesting you refer to the Weekly World News as the paper.

[Kyle Brandt]

Right?

[Bill Simmons]

I love her. She's Academy Award winner. My Left Foot. She's in this movie. She won an Oscar.

[Kyle Brandt]

Apex Man. I forgot she won the Oscar.

[Bill Simmons]

She won an Oscar for Day Lewis movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think she lost her Apex Man. FAO Schwartz.

[Bill Simmons]

Would you have no piano scene in Big The Piano.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great point. What else do you have? Anything?

[Bill Simmons]

All right, so I got one. This is fun. Is this Apex Mountain for pizza and movies? So when he comes out and he says, Mr. McAllister, a cheese pizza just for you. He opens it. There's this beautiful plume of steam. And he gets in. He eats it. Here's what else I got. Back to the future 2 pizza where it's tiny and they make it big.

[Kyle Brandt]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

Wayne's World Pizza. Where contractor. No, I will not bow to any sponsor. And they like the commercial thing. There's a big scene in Iron man where Tony Stark is eating pizza. But I. I'll tell you my favorite.

[Kyle Brandt]

And I. I like the Tony Stark pizza. I think we talked about that when we did Iron Man. Like how. How. How good the pizza looked.

[Bill Simmons]

I think the idea is I haven't seen that movie in a while. That they brought it from New York on the private jet to Malibu. So they're having New York pizza in Malibu. And, like, you want to slice so bad, but my pizza. Mount Rushmore. Bill, are you a lover boy guy? Lover boy guy with Patrick Percy. I mean, who am I asking? If you don't know? Lover boy is a pizza delivery guy who turns into a gigolo. And the women order extra anchovies, and that means they want to sleep with the pizza boy. And the phrase of the movie, like the catch line, it's fantastic. His customers always come first. They don't make them like that anymore.

[Kyle Brandt]

The 80s.

[Bill Simmons]

God damn it. I miss so good stuff. Lover boy. That's my. But I think Kevin McAllister's pizza is on the Rushmore, but not Apex.

[Kyle Brandt]

I always think about if they just had a movie and they pretended it was coming out in 2024. They filmed the trailer for Lover Boy. Just what people's reactions would be if they're watching football on a Sunday. Like, wait, what's going on?

[Bill Simmons]

They. The pizza guy.

[Kyle Brandt]

Teenager. Awesome pizza boy. Who. Grown women, barely 18.

[Bill Simmons]

But they love it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, I wish you had prepped me for the pizza thing. I would have spent like three hours thinking about this. Maybe next time I'll have more along.

[C]

Came Paulie. Not a bad scene. Hoffman.

[Bill Simmons]

Right?

[Kyle Brandt]

We talked about. That's a good one.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, they're eating. Drinking the grease spice. Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

I really think for pizza and movies, it has to be like the old school. Thin, cheesy, kind of saucy. Oil spilling off it. Eating on a plate, you have to turn it over to. That's. That's what I'm looking for.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, The New York style slice. Like, that's what Kevin has in the. In it. Look, the pizza in Home Alone one is good. That barf. That buzz has to barf up. But I just. I want that pizza so bad.

[Kyle Brandt]

You know, it's funny. There's never been a good Chicago deep dish pizza movie scene because even if it's delicious, it's just so gross to eat as you're eating it. Nobody's like, oh, yeah, I got my knife and I'm just cutting.

[Bill Simmons]

It's not. It's not for television or for movies.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's really not.

[Bill Simmons]

It's just for that cheese pull initially, but then it turns into a slop.

[Kyle Brandt]

People. That cheese are dripping on their chin.

[Bill Simmons]

It's my favorite food.

[Kyle Brandt]

No actress is eating that.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. She's like, I'm not gonna sit down and eat that and look terrible.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Charlize Theron isn't sitting down eating the deep dish pizza. I have one other one, and I should have prepped you for this too, but it's a fun. All right. Apex Mountain. Fake movies in real movies. So you got angels with dirty souls. And now you angels eat even filthier souls or whatever. I got a list. All right. Log Jammin in the Big Lebowski. Great porn movie. Which one's Log Jam? All right. Our angels live in my town with our guy Dirk, obviously.

[Kyle Brandt]

Amazing.

[Bill Simmons]

Simple Jack.

[Kyle Brandt]

You are Dirk Diggler.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes. Wow. Simple Jack hasn't aged well. Remember when Scream 2 came out and they made a movie that was like it, but it was called Stab? That was their play on Scream 2.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And then the last Terrence and Philip Asses of Fire in the south park movie. Which one jumps out to you? That's just my list.

[Kyle Brandt]

Is this all movies, or can I do tv, too?

[Bill Simmons]

Of course. Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Because Cleaver on the Sopranos was great.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, great. Malta Sante.

[Kyle Brandt]

Cleaver.

[Bill Simmons]

That's a great one.

[Kyle Brandt]

Baldwin.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, that's so good.

[Kyle Brandt]

I always thought I absolutely would have rented Cleaver if they had just said fuck it and made the whole movie. And then I guess that's not a movie. But the end of forgetting Sarah Marshall. Oh, yeah, the csi, whatever.

[Bill Simmons]

Crime scene. Scene of the crime, yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

The sunglasses coming off. I always really admired how they did those.

[Bill Simmons]

You have friends at hbo. Can't we make the Cleaver movie? Like that would be an incredible way.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's what David Chase should have done. Instead of making the Sopranos prequel, he should have been like, hey, have this site finally have an idea for Cleaver.

[Bill Simmons]

That's great. We got Malta Santi in it somehow. That'd be so good. That's.

[Kyle Brandt]

Carmelo was like, Tony, you don't think it's a problem? Christopher made this movie about somebody who wanted to kill his uncle mob boss because he slept with his fiance. You're telling me this isn't about you and Adriana?

[Bill Simmons]

So good. I missed that show, man.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's. We'll take a break and then we'll wrap it up.

[Bill Simmons]

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet. Shop pay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going Cha ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online and more personal info in places that could expose you to identity the theft. That's why Lifelock monitors millions of data points every second. If your identity is stolen, their US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry. With Lifelock, save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast terms apply.

[Kyle Brandt]

Home stretch here. Cruiser Hanks. So I guess this would be for the dad character or maybe because there's no adult lead in the movie. Maybe everyone's in play. Every male. So it could be Tim Curry. It could be anybody.

[C]

Or Pesci.

[Bill Simmons]

Well.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, it could be one of the crooks.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, Listen, I don't want to break the rules here. I say Cruz and Hanks for the Sticky Bandits. It's the two of them, so.

[Kyle Brandt]

So we get a tie. Can we do that?

[Bill Simmons]

Harry and Marv? Yeah, can we do that? I up the whole scoring system.

[C]

Well, I just get a point then, so it would be fine now.

[Bill Simmons]

I hate this Schrager and I called this breaking the segment of Good Morning Football when it's like, name an AFC east player that you love. And it's like, well, I'm actually Going to go with the nfc. Shut up. Just don't break the segment. I will say it's got to be Hanks for the physical comedy. He'd be better in that than Cruise if he's going to be one of the Bandits.

[Kyle Brandt]

So Hanks as Marv.

[Bill Simmons]

I think Hanks was Marv. Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

What would you rather see Cruz as one of the Bandits or Hanks? Would you want to see Cruz just getting hit by bricks and stuff?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I think Cruise Hanks would do a better job. Yeah. I think Cruz isn't nearly tall enough for the pesci role, so I think he'd have to go to Stern. This is mean. I love Tom Cruise. Why am I making dumb jokes about his hire? Why am I making. I love Tom Cruise. I think Hanks. I think. Yeah, he's doing the Michael Richardson.

[Kyle Brandt]

Hanks wins.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, Hanks.

[Kyle Brandt]

What's the score now, Craig?

[C]

1915 Hanks.

[Kyle Brandt]

Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

Hanks.

[Kyle Brandt]

Okay, it's competitive, so Racehorse, Rock band wrestler fantasy team name. We can go Wet Bandits, Sticky Bandits, Angels with even filthier souls. Or Duncan's toy chest, which, by the way, all could have been titles for porn movies.

[Bill Simmons]

So many porn movies.

[Kyle Brandt]

Which goes back to my child trafficking. Hottest take.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Why is all this stuff in this so porny? I don't know, Francis. Y. It's like Joe Francis's Wet Bandits.

[Bill Simmons]

Wet Bandits, Gone Wild, South Beach Angels.

[Kyle Brandt]

With even filthier souls.

[Bill Simmons]

Disgusting.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. Duncan's toy Chest. Come on.

[Bill Simmons]

You're right. That sounds gross.

[Kyle Brandt]

Four of those in this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

At some point, Bill, we're gonna arrive on a topic that's gonna be the Shaving Ryan's privates award for the. What would the porn name be of this movie? You know, I usually do it.

[Kyle Brandt]

I had this in one of the testings, and I didn't think enough movies would have it, but maybe that should be added.

[Bill Simmons]

Like, I think. And we did meet the parents. Like, I think that Greg has to, like, have sex with the parents, and it's called meet the parents, but it's m e a t the parents. You know what I mean? Like, cliffhanger would have been like cliff banger. And it's so easy. They're just all right there. The Shaving Riven's privates award for. What would the porn name be of this movie?

[Kyle Brandt]

Forrest hump.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Bone alone. Or, like, I don't know, something like that.

[Kyle Brandt]

My buddy Jacko and I used to do this all the time. It's so fun because we. There was this whole era where the porn Would come out after the successful movie and they would tweet the title. And it was always made us laugh.

[Bill Simmons]

So good.

[Kyle Brandt]

We thought it was so good every time.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Now we just have 10 minute clips for porn.

[Bill Simmons]

I remember that they did a Hamilton porn spoof and it was about. Yeah, it was about the pounding fathers. And I love that stuff. It's so stupid, but it cracks. Not founding pounding. Get it?

[Kyle Brandt]

Picking it. We mentioned the whole audience from the Christmas crier would not be laughing at a little kid.

[Bill Simmons]

Hate it.

[Kyle Brandt]

The wet now sticky bandits escaped during a prison riot. These guys are imbeciles. Could you trust them to escape from anything?

[Bill Simmons]

No. And also they take a fish truck to New York. Aren't they in Illinois? Like that's a picking day.

[Kyle Brandt]

What kind of prison riots happening in the, you know, outskirts of Illinois?

[Bill Simmons]

It's not federal prison. They're in prison for burglary. It's kind of a low end prison, I think.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't get it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kevin can see New York City from the airport after he lands. He looks out the window and it's like the airport's right. The city's right there. So is he at LaGuardia? Where is he?

[Bill Simmons]

He might be in Newark. I'm not really sure. I. I don't.

[Kyle Brandt]

I've never been to an airport in the New York area where you could just immediately see the airport that. See the city that perfectly well.

[Bill Simmons]

Also, when you get off a plane, I just want to get the out of there. Who goes and looks out the window for a second? I just go.

[Kyle Brandt]

I always feel like the people who have to have the cigarette are the saddest people on the earth.

[Bill Simmons]

There's that chamber they go in, right? That area, the cancer chamber. If you're going in there.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. If you're going in there, just reevaluate everything.

[Bill Simmons]

It's right next to where you take the dogs to shoot.

[Kyle Brandt]

Right. Or maybe it's the same place.

[Bill Simmons]

It might be. It might be.

[Kyle Brandt]

The pigeon lady's explanation for becoming the pigeon lady was because she doesn't want to trust anyone. Again, my nitpick for this was you're a crazy pigeon lady covered in pigeon. Maybe that's the reason you're mentally imbalanced.

[Bill Simmons]

I was on that as well. You said you haven't talked to someone in two years, so you're not exactly have a full dance card. She said, I just, I got a lot of offers. I just didn't want to break anybody's heart. You're not breaking anybody's heart. They're not coming for you.

[Kyle Brandt]

You have 300 pigeons around you nitpick. New York City at night. Too clean. Too empty. It's just never looked this good ever. At any point. Too safe.

[Bill Simmons]

There's the one scene where they scare Kevin and there's prostitutes and the captives. Like it ain't too much better in here, kid. There's like a five second scene where it's scary and the rest of the time it's like Disneyland.

[Kyle Brandt]

You know what I mean?

[Bill Simmons]

It's the happiest place on earth.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's in an abandoned building. There's no rats or people. It's just. Yeah, no, no. Anybody.

[Bill Simmons]

It's just great.

[Kyle Brandt]

No shit in the floor. Nothing. What do you have.

[Bill Simmons]

When they. The. The Tim Curry character and the staff go in and he does the thing with the movie. It doesn't. You wouldn't think that that's a real person firing a machine gun. It's a hotel TV with a crappy little 17 inch zenith.

[Kyle Brandt]

It sounds like.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, he's like, get back in your rooms. There's a crazed guest with a gun. It wouldn't work like that at all. It's not like you have this massive sci fi system set up in the first movie. He lights off firecrackers in the pot so it sounds like a gun. So that one just drives me nuts. I don't like that. You wouldn't think that I have a.

[Kyle Brandt]

Couple more of that. Yeah, I agree with you.

[Bill Simmons]

We've talked about a lot of mine.

[Kyle Brandt]

Duncan's toy chest. No night security guard.

[Bill Simmons]

Nothing.

[Kyle Brandt]

Nothing.

[Bill Simmons]

No cameras in there.

[Kyle Brandt]

No alarm. Yeah, just. They just keep all this cash and cash register. Not one person just with a flashlight walking around making sure.

[Bill Simmons]

You did like a night watchman in those movies, right? Who walks around with the flash like twirling his keys. You need some of that.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, maybe they should have. The bandage should have like knocked the guy out. Made him seem more evil. Where did Kevin get all his props? Like he's got like a nail gun. He just. His props are too good.

[Bill Simmons]

I think. It's under construction. And they, they. The guys are on a break for Christmas Eve and he just walks in there and he's like, holy shit, I found a treasure chest. Look at all this stuff. I can really kill them now.

[Kyle Brandt]

My two biggest ones. Kevin lowers himself down a five story rope.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[Kyle Brandt]

For at night in a dark building with no safety harness. Anything. And I wouldn't call him like Bo Jackson when you're watching him run around and stuff. You're not watching Culkin going, I wonder what sport he's going to pick as an adult.

[Bill Simmons]

That kid's got talent.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's just kind of lumbering around.

[Bill Simmons]

Remember when Jerry Maguire sees Ray throw the baseball and he's like, whoa. Yeah, it's not a good throw.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, I just. They. They kind of gloss over how crazy that is.

[Bill Simmons]

Ludicrous. Remember the presidential fitness test in gym class in elementary school? We do the sit and reach and the rope. That shit was hard. I couldn't do that pegboard. It's kind of hard. Kevin just all of a sudden, like, turns into Ethan Hunt. He's going down and over. He's a 10 year old. Come on. No one's doing that. Fourth grade, breaking both his legs.

[Kyle Brandt]

Here's my big one. So Kevin finds his family. They drop all these presents off at the tree, right? And they're opening it the next day. He's having a nice little family moment. And then he's like, oh, I should give that ornament to Kevin. Pigeon lady. You're not going to invite her back to the house to spend Christmas with your family. Granted, she's covered in pigeon shit, but maybe that's a nicer gesture than just like, here's an ornament I'll never forget you. Like, how about bringing her up? How about trying to domesticate her? How about giving her like a nice meal in one of the presents?

[Bill Simmons]

Shower, hot shower.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. Hey, want to shower in our fucking penthouse?

[Bill Simmons]

She should have.

[C]

It would have been funny if she was like, these are doves. I'm a pigeon person.

[Bill Simmons]

You idiot. Did you keep the receipts? You can return if you want. Now, they would look at that as like a statement on class and wealth and everything. She's standing there. This is a vagrant homeless person covered in. He comes down from the Plaza Hotel, penthouse, penthouse suites. And he comes. Cheeseburger, anything. And she's like, cheese plate, a Christmas orange. Give me $1,000, you little shit. I just saved your life. Yeah, they were going to shoot.

[Kyle Brandt]

You saved his life.

[Bill Simmons]

I have this unanswerable. When she brings him up to the Carnegie hall. Like her little thing up there.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

How long does she wait before she strangles him and takes all his money and credit card? Like, she's going to kill that kid. She's a homeless person. She just. Finally, her ship just came in. She found a spoiled, rich little white kid. She's going to get everything he's made of. And Kevin isn't even there. Is a whole.

[Kyle Brandt]

She's like, I can't believe you fell from my pigeon lady gimmick. Yeah, I finally got him, and I.

[Bill Simmons]

Bought all that bullshit about pigeons and worms. I'm here to kill you and take your money. There's a Kristen Wiig SNL sketch where at that very moment, when Kevin goes back to see her at the end, and he's like, oh, I brought all this pizza. And she's like, oh, great, my stomach is rumbling. He's like, I thought it'd be good for the birds. And he just feeds it all to the birds and gives her none of it. So they're on the same thing. He shows nothing.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's an actual sketch.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I didn't see that one. I think it's Kristen McGood might've been hosting. I think it was only a few years ago, but, like, she is starving to death. Like, she's probably having to, like, perform sex acts for food. And, like, it's a terrible deal for her. It's freezing and Kevin gives her a Christmas ornament. She doesn't have a tree. Where's the.

[Kyle Brandt]

Where's she gonna hang it?

[Bill Simmons]

She doesn't have a Christmas tree. She's taking a shit under the bridge. Like, she's homeless.

[Kyle Brandt]

Come on, John Hughes.

[Bill Simmons]

Come on. And by the way, if I'm her, I'm like, hey, I saw that other John Hughes movie where at the end, Del Griffith comes to come home and have Thanksgiving with Neil Page. She brings into his house that homeless guy, Right? How come I don't get to go up there and take a bath for a little? Go for a swim?

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, I can't get, like a. Can I be invited to brunch?

[Bill Simmons]

No. We'll be friends.

[Kyle Brandt]

I've never had eggs Benedict. Sequel, Prequel, Prestige tv, all black cast are untouchable. Definitely sequel. Because they made five more.

[Bill Simmons]

Haven't seen any of them neither. Never seen my train.

[Kyle Brandt]

Got off at home alone too. I'm a Culkin. Season tickets out.

[Bill Simmons]

Goodbye.

[Kyle Brandt]

They changed.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't acknowledge that franchise without Culkin. That's my guy.

[Kyle Brandt]

Is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins, Danny Trejo, Sid Goldberg, Sam Jackson, J.T. walsh, Nell Byron Mayo, Harley Mays, Evil Laughing Ramon, Raymond Long Legs or Philip Baker Hall.

[Bill Simmons]

Tell you that I've really enjoyed the Long Legs from uncr. And I recently saw the movie and I didn't see it until a couple of weeks ago, and it just. It's an amazing movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Thank you.

[Bill Simmons]

And I like when you guys do the Long Legs, so I'm going to Leave that be. I look at. There's a gangster in this movie and he's the old black and white guy. And I think it's easy. It's. You were smooching with my brother, motherfucker. Sam Jackson with the machine gun. Or Sam Jackson adopting the old, like, gangster dialect and being like. You ever read the Bible, baby? I got this Passage memorized. Ezekiel 25:17, baby. The path of the right. I want Sam Jackson.

[Kyle Brandt]

And angel with filthy 1930s pulp fiction.

[Bill Simmons]

Sam Jackson. Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Marcel. Not Marcellus. Jules. Jules. Yeah. I like.

[Bill Simmons]

That's my guy smooching with my brother.

[Kyle Brandt]

I just wanted to see now in Central Park.

[Bill Simmons]

Let's go. She belongs in Central Park.

[Kyle Brandt]

To the pigeon lady. She points over. Have you met? No.

[Bill Simmons]

Now, would you like a Christmas ornament? I have nothing to do with.

[Kyle Brandt]

Just one Oscar. Who gets it?

[Bill Simmons]

What do you got? John Williams. I mean, like, he just.

[Kyle Brandt]

John Williams.

[Bill Simmons]

He has a whole case of those.

[Kyle Brandt]

No, John Williams.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, it's fine. He. He wakes up and gets Oscars.

[Kyle Brandt]

Probably unanswerable questions. Are these the worst non violent, non molesting, non child trafficking parents in the history of movies? It's way up there.

[Bill Simmons]

Even before they lose him again.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great.

[Bill Simmons]

Santini, maybe Santini plays basketball with him and stuff. Like there's some supportive moments. Even though it ends kind of bad.

[Kyle Brandt]

They're also afraid of him.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes, very afraid of him. I don't think Kevin's afraid of his dad. I guess that's just an idiot.

[Kyle Brandt]

De Niro in. What's that movie? This boy's life. There's been some bad parents, so probably not.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, probably not.

[Kyle Brandt]

The Sticky Bandits. Just really bad CT, right?

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Like Jeremy Shapp's doing the V60. It's definitely where he's with Marv. Marv doesn't know his name anymore.

[Bill Simmons]

I think Tom Rinaldi has a very moving report on Marv and what's became of him in the jail. And he doesn't recognize Harry anymore. And Harry's still in love with him. But no, I think. Definite, Definitely, Definitely. And Tom Rinaldi just brings the house down. Wins the Emmy for the report, right? Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Best double feature choice. Home alone 1.

[Bill Simmons]

I would zag hard and cleanse the palate and watch the good son. Just because I watched it a few days ago. I still can't believe that fucking.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, I like this. Go home alone too. Right to the good side.

[Bill Simmons]

And that's what came of.

[Kyle Brandt]

I might do that tonight.

[Bill Simmons]

Do it, do it, do it. He runs up, back to the plaza and he comes down and he starts trying to kill Elijah Wood.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, in the research, I forgot to mention this. The dad who is really determined to have the kid have a career would only agree to Home Alone too, if they let him do the Good Son because he wanted him to zag against the stereotype.

[Bill Simmons]

He doesn't want to be. You don't want to be cast as a cute kid. Like he was doing pretty well. I think the slogan for the Good Son is like evil has many faces. And it's just this Picture of Kevin McAllister Ready to Murder you.

[Kyle Brandt]

I almost did this as my hottest take, but it's not even a hot take. The Good Son is my favorite Macaulay Culkin movie.

[Bill Simmons]

You like it better than the Home Alone movies.

[Kyle Brandt]

I do.

[Bill Simmons]

I can tell the second I brought it up. Your whole body language changed. You lit up.

[Kyle Brandt]

The Good Son I enjoy so much that I almost who I decide to do the podcast with. I really want to put a lot of thought into it. It has to be somebody who likes the movie as much as I like it. The scene at the end is one of the craziest scenes of the last 40 years.

[Bill Simmons]

So we have this right? The woman is holding two sons. The good son and the bad son.

[Kyle Brandt]

Her adopted right Kid who's living with them or her actual, actual blood son. And drops the flesh and blood.

[Bill Simmons]

She drops her actual son to save.

[Kyle Brandt]

The falls to his death on the rocks.

[Bill Simmons]

And you see it drop and it's really dramatic. I had not movie in a long time.

[Kyle Brandt]

Is insane.

[Bill Simmons]

I forgot that she did that. That you can't have that in a movie. That's terrible.

[Kyle Brandt]

He starts. He starts like a 40 car accident with like fatalities.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes. Doesn't he drown someone too? And he has a rubber ducky that he keeps.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's an amazing movie.

[Bill Simmons]

He falls down.

[Kyle Brandt]

Craig.

[Bill Simmons]

You got it, Craig. It's unbelievable.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's one of the best movies of the 90s.

[C]

I have not seen the Good Son.

[Kyle Brandt]

No, it's one of the best bad movies of the 90s, I should say.

[Bill Simmons]

When in the original movies.

[Kyle Brandt]

But it's not even a bad movie.

[Bill Simmons]

It's like well done to the rocks, like and no, that's how Macaulay falls in that movie. It's really bad. I was shocked when I watched that. But you love it Good Son. I'm watching my double tv.

[Kyle Brandt]

You didn't enjoy?

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, I enjoyed the out of it. I just. It took me. I. I thought. I think I convinced myself Cool outdoor stuff. The director of that movie I have this, right. I think he directed Sleeping with the Enemy, too. I think it's the same guy.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, you're right.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes. Great run for that guy, Tone, right? Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Pretty cool, Andy. Red Zwatna award. What happened? The next day, Kevin's parents lose custody. Just. I don't think there's any way. They don't. I think Kevin has to move to with, like, his uncle. Not that uncle from the movie, but not Uncle Frank. Somebody else's.

[Bill Simmons]

He's the Britney Spears. Like a conservatorship or something. Like legal action has to happen. An emancipation, anything you can't get family.

[Kyle Brandt]

What piece of memorabilia would you want from this movie?

[Bill Simmons]

You think this is weird, but I always laugh when Marv is getting electrocuted and he turns into a skeleton with a wig on. I want that skeleton.

[Kyle Brandt]

Just have it in the house.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I do it for Halloween. I put on the front porch, and it'd be sitting there like a Halloween decoration. Then I have it somewhere in the basement, and people, I'm like, that's the actual mar of getting electrocuted. I always love that. That quick shot of him as a skeleton. That's what I take. Well, you take. You're not taking the Talk boy, are you?

[Kyle Brandt]

100%.

[Bill Simmons]

You are.

[Kyle Brandt]

You're taking the Talk Boy, the original Talk Boy. That's probably, like, a $400,000 piece.

[Bill Simmons]

It's probably in the Smithsonian when you.

[Kyle Brandt]

Go on those websites, movie, prom things. Yeah, that would definitely go for, like, 300,000.

[Bill Simmons]

Macaulay's actual talk Boy.

[Kyle Brandt]

Actual Talk Boy that he used in the movie. That's like $300,000.

[Bill Simmons]

True. It's kind of cool.

[Kyle Brandt]

Coach Finstock award, best life lesson. I wrote down it's better to be with someone else than be by yourself. But you feel like the opposite. So that might actually not be the life lesson.

[Bill Simmons]

No, I think he wants to get away. I think the life lesson is, hey, kids, run away. It's awesome. It's so fun. You'll have the time of your life.

[Kyle Brandt]

If you hate your family.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, just run away.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, just get a credit card and go.

[Bill Simmons]

Fine, take a credit. Take your dad's credit card and run away. Kevin walks into the toy store and he starts going, this is my best Christmas ever. Like, he is so happy away from that McAllister house. So, kids, don't like your family. Just run away. Take a look.

[Kyle Brandt]

Pizza, pizza, Coke, fireworks.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Kyle Brandt]

Chocolate ice cream, sundaes.

[Bill Simmons]

He beat the shit out of some idiots who are trying to hurt him. He saves some kids. He's got some weird friends. The toy store guy and the homeless lady. But, like, he's so happy. Go for a swim, eat some chocolate. It's great.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then you'll be accused 12 years later for a bunch of hooker murders.

[Bill Simmons]

I know.

[Kyle Brandt]

Across the country.

[Bill Simmons]

I know.

[Kyle Brandt]

Except they've all been tied to Kevin McAllister. A talk boy was seen at two of the scenes of the crimes.

[Bill Simmons]

I was worried about McAllister with United Healthcare guy. I'm like, is that him in New York? Is he back in New York again?

[Kyle Brandt]

Was it Kevin, Home Alone back in New York? Craig, what you think?

[C]

I love Home Alone. Obviously. Seen it a million times. Seen this maybe, I don't know, four or five times. Been a long time.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm nervous. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't like your tone.

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't like how we're starting.

[C]

Look, it's a fun movie. I think where I land is like, if this was the original, it would have been just as big as the classic and would have been considered basically looked at the same way. But the first one, to me is so much better. This one, it just has too much sequelitis, to be honest. It's the same bits, less nuance. Everything's turned up to 11. It's just too sweet. It's like a Ben and Jerry's cake batter. That's like the fourth brick to the head. I know that stuff is silly and you can be like, you have to look past that. But I think it goes a little bit too far where it's like, not funny anymore. There's just so many bits that come back. It's like you have to do the mom screaming. Kevin, you have to do that. Maybe him at the counter doing the. I don't think so. Yeah, but like him putting together the shower curtain puppet in literally 10 seconds. The head on fire, the ice cream, the movie quotes. They should have just come up with new bits. These are talented. This is Columbus and the Hughes. Like, come up with new bits.

[Bill Simmons]

That's a pretty good take.

[Kyle Brandt]

Really hurtful.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, but I. I like it. I like the same. Play the hits. It's that you don't. You don't go to a Foreigner concert and play. Come up with some new songs. No, just play the same over.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's why I read that Goldman quote at the top. It's about. Sequels are about comfort. Tony Soprano went back with the characters.

[C]

Tony Soprano once said the lowest form of conversation is remember when? And I do think that is what this movie is a little bit.

[Bill Simmons]

Wow. Fred came in.

[C]

You like that?

[Kyle Brandt]

That's good having Raj here.

[Bill Simmons]

Damn. Look at Craig.

[Kyle Brandt]

They could have two stars from Rise.

[C]

They could have kept the same vibe, have been like the same movie, just do different jokes. I don't know why they.

[Kyle Brandt]

So you don't care about the New York City pieces of this?

[C]

No, the New York. The New York's great. It's more Christmy probably even than the first one. Just because of the New York vibe. That's all. Beautiful. I just wish it wasn't this. Literally the same jokes for two hours.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'll be interested 12 years from now when little Buzz Horbeck is watching one and two. Which one he likes more.

[Bill Simmons]

It's true. He's a three star recruit that people are getting on the radar.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's already on Snoop Dogg's youth football team.

[Bill Simmons]

Absolutely. He should be on the Snoop team. We're looking out for Buzz Horbeck. I know people in the league.

[Kyle Brandt]

Buzz Horback's gonna be amazing.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

At least name your dog. Do you have a dog yet?

[C]

No.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's do the dog Buzz. All right, Kyle Brandt, what do you got to plug? Anything.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm also doing anything with HBO. I do. I did children's show Human vs. Hamster. It's competition show. Me and Sarah Sherman from a Saturday Night Live. We hosted it. Yeah, it says stream on Max right now. Yeah. For real. It's a show for like little kids. It's a competition show. It's she and I, we shot it last spring in Canada. And it's like the same people who make ninja warrior and stuff, but it's like goofy people racing against hamsters and giant mazes. It sounds insane and ridiculous, but my kids are addicted to it. It's really good.

[Kyle Brandt]

Do you have to pretend you're missing a leg or you get to use both of your legs?

[Bill Simmons]

They let me do both legs, but I offered to do it. I can do the limp. It's like I can do an accident. I can do the limp. They said no, we don't want that for this project. Let's keep it clean. I didn't do it. Wow. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Sarah Sherman was amazing. She's blown up. Amazing. So cool to work with. Loved her.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great.

[Bill Simmons]

Thanks, man.

[Kyle Brandt]

And football.

[Bill Simmons]

Good morning football. CBS NFL Today 10 takes, podcasts, all that. I don't plug all the stuff here. I come here to do home alone too. I did just plug it, but thank you for asking. Good morning football with Straigs and Akbar and Jamie.

[Kyle Brandt]

This podcast was produced by Craig Horbeck.

[Bill Simmons]

Sure was.

[Kyle Brandt]

Gehao, Jack. Thank you. We'll be back. One more in 2024 and that's it. We'll see if the Chiefs are still undefeated at that point. Who knows? Not undefeated, huh? One last defeated.

[Bill Simmons]

Add in those poetic Tony Soprano quotes. You come. That's the man right there.

[Kyle Brandt]

Thanks, Craig. Kyle.

[Bill Simmons]

Good to see you too, Buddha.