The Rewatchables: ‘Kindergarten Cop’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt
Date: April 21, 2026 | Podcast: The Rewatchables | Host: The Ringer
Episode Summary by The Rewatchables Team
Episode Overview
Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt revisit the 1990 classic “Kindergarten Cop,” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and directed by Ivan Reitman. The two dive into the film’s unique blend of action, comedy, and unexpectedly dark themes, exploring Arnold’s cultural apex, the unpredictable tone of early ’90s family films, and the strange legacy the movie has left behind. The hosts riff on the film’s most iconic moments, the state of children’s movies in 1990, Schwarzenegger’s enduring appeal, and everything from age-inappropriate content to the infamous “it’s not a tumor” line.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
‘Kindergarten Cop’ in Cultural Context
- Accessibility: The film’s multigenerational appeal — college students, parents, and kids all could enjoy it. “You, you like it, you see it in the theater, in college, saw it on a date…” – Bill Simmons (03:04)
- 1990s Children’s Movies: The early ’90s marked a hybrid era. Films aimed at kids, like “Home Alone” and “Kindergarten Cop,” crossed lines now deemed inappropriate, mixing slapstick, violence, and mature themes.
- “This movie exists in this weird part of time for culture... Back then you could end a kid's movie with an active shooter who set a fire and is now trying to kidnap a kid.” – Bill Simmons (03:04)
- “So much of the fun in watching it now is just seeing, holy shit, how is this in the movie? There’s twelve of those things.” – Kyle Brandt (03:43)
- Changing Sensibilities: By the 2000s, family movies were sanitized, lacking the “sauce” of ‘90s fare, replaced by safe PG content starring The Rock, John Cena, etc.
Arnold Schwarzenegger & Ivan Reitman: One-of-One Movie Magic
- Schwarzenegger’s Apex:
- The podcast contrasts Arnold’s self-aware goofiness to Seagal’s accidental comedy (08:22).
- “Arnold’s kind of a joke. But I just love him so much. I just get over it.” – Kyle Brandt (08:22)
- Iconic delivery: “Everything he says in this movie is hilarious, everyone...I don’t even know how to explain Arnold all these years later...” – Bill Simmons (06:48)
- Director as Coach: Ivan Reitman treated Arnold as a one-of-one talent, deploying him to maximal comedic effect.
- “Ivan Rightman. This whole movie is like, how can I just have Arnold just saying lines? Arnold says more lines in this movie than I think in any other movie he's ever done.” – Bill Simmons (09:20)
- Quotable Legacy: The “it’s not a tumor” line lives on, rivaled only by “I’ll be back” in Arnold’s filmography (13:24).
- “If you mention Kindergarten Cop to someone, they will and must say tumor. Like Arnold took possession of the word tumor...” – Kyle Brandt (12:53)
The Movie’s Tone and Edge
- Incongruous Elements: The film veers wildly between kid comedy, gunfights, bleak child abuse, and sexual identity gags — “everything is in this movie.”
- Risky Material:
- “We have to, like, check every box of it. And they take basically all the sauce out of it. And just now this movie has John Cena in it or the Rock. And it's really safe. And it's like a really, really easy PG...” – Bill Simmons (05:35)
- Arnold’s Push: Schwarzenegger reportedly insisted on including real-world issues, like child abuse and divorce, into the script.
- “Arnold was really passionate about touching a couple real life stories, including the abuse of children, and kind of pushed them to...have this in the movie.” – Bill Simmons (36:07)
Iconic Scenes and Lines
[Notable Quotes With Timestamps]
- [08:55] “And he's kind of okay being the joke because ultimately the joke's on everybody else because he's making like 15 to 20 million a year making movies at this point, he's hugely famous.” – Bill Simmons
- [13:24] “I have ‘it’s not a tumor’...I think it's his second most famous line in his entire career. I got...‘I'll be back’ has to be first.” – Kyle Brandt
- [24:18] “She comes in and it's like, I'm really worried that my son is playing with dolls. And Arnold goes, no, she's using them to look up girls skirts. And she goes, whoa, that's a relief…” – Kyle Brandt
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- Most Rewatchable Scene Debate ([29:19–38:47]):
- Plane scene into driving puke montage
- Arnold’s terrifyingly earnest first day teaching: “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” (31:33)
- “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina” – classic kindergarten wisdom (32:21)
- “Who is your daddy, and what does he do?”
- On Arnold’s Dialogue:
- “Every single thing he says is a gif. It's a soundboard button…it’s so fun to say and listen to.” – Kyle Brandt (10:49)
- Greatest ’90s Touches:
- The shopping mall with a Brookstone store (39:12–39:52)
- The carton of whole milk for every kid (38:47)
- Ponytailed villains (46:18)
Cast & Character Deep Dives
- Pamela Reed as the Partner: “Really nice performance by her...” – Bill Simmons (22:29)
- Richard Tyson as Crisp: A “Roadhouse” villain dropped into a kids’ movie, and the panel debates whether he works.
- “Crisp is fantastic…almost reminds me of Jimmy from Roadhouse…” – Kyle Brandt (23:17)
- Mother-Son Dynamic: Universally considered “bonkers” and overtly Oedipal, yielding some of the episode’s most passionate riffs ([52:26–54:07]).
1990 Cinema Snapshot & Arnold’s Career Run
- Box Office of 1990:
- “Home Alone was the number one movie in America for 12 weeks…Kindergarten Cop drops in week 8.” – Kyle Brandt (17:50)
- Arnold’s Run:
- “He’s carrying this basically from 1987, basically through True Lies. This is a pretty great eight year run.” – Bill Simmons (11:25)
- Apex Mountain argument: 1990 is Arnold at his most powerful — “Total Recall” and “Kindergarten Cop” six months apart, with “Terminator 2” imminent ([19:28–20:07]).
Ivan Reitman’s Directorial Touch
- Directs a “tight 15-year run” of commercial comedy classics (“Meatballs,” “Stripes,” “Ghostbusters,” “Twins,” “Kindergarten Cop,” and “Dave”) ([24:46–25:29]).
- His five rules for directing kids: “Listen, act natural, know your character, don’t look in the camera, and be disciplined.” (76:26)
The Schwarzenegger “Quotability” Factor
- Best Arnold-isms:
- “I’m the party pooper.” (40:46)
- “There is no bathroom!” (41:06)
- “He uses the dolls to look up girl’s skirts.” (41:06)
- “I coach basketball at an old girls school in Rhode Island.” (41:06)
- The “It’s Not a Tumor” Phenomenon:
- “Arnold took possession of the word tumor, which is a horrible, horrible word. When you hear that word, you think of Arnold.” – Kyle Brandt (12:53)
Category Discussion Highlights
Most 1990 Thing About the Movie
- Shopping mall with a Brookstone (39:12)
- Cartons of milk for every child (38:47)
- Ponytailed villain as major threat (46:18)
What’s Aged The Worst
- Child abuse played for laughs/exposition
- The abrupt, violent ending—arson and a school shootout
- Plot involving rectal thermometers ([54:07])
- Kids’ “bathroom/sexual” jokes
What’s Aged the Best
- The setting: Astoria, Oregon, likened to “an infomercial for the Notre Dame campus” ([42:49])
- Tough, witty child actors and their dynamic with Arnold
- Single-name star poster era: “Schwarzenegger” above the title ([45:02])
Hans Gruber Villain Scale
- Debate: Is Crisp (Richard Tyson) effective as a villain?
- Kyle: 6.5/10 — “I like Chris. I think Chris is fantastic...”
- Bill: 4/10 — “Never did it for me...” (59:43–60:35)
Hottest Take/Alternate Readings
- Kyle: “I sympathize with Crisp. This character just wants to be with his son. You can't just take a child and run across the country. Fathers have rights.” (63:07)
- Bill: Would sacrifice the movie's existence to avoid 40+ terrible imitations (“The Tooth Fairy,” “The Pacifier,” etc.) spawned by its success. (65:05)
Recurring Gags & Deep-Cuts
- Brookstone vs. Sharper Image: A meditation on extinct mall culture ([39:12], 78:18).
- Ponytailed Villain Aura: The transformative power of male ponytails in ’90s cinema (46:18).
- Craig’s Mini Review: Guest producer delivers a post-watch take, highlighting the bizarre Oedipal villain dynamic and the “obliviousness” of ’90s movies ([96:21]).
Legacy, What Ifs & Theoretical Spin-offs
- Cast What-Ifs: Bill Murray, Swayze, Keanu, Danny DeVito considered for Arnold’s role; Christian Slater as Crisp; Sandra Bullock/Catherine O’Hara considered for female leads ([67:13–69:01]).
- Alternate Endings: What if Arnold’s character died in the final shootout, making it a "Hardball with G-Baby" type swerve? ([92:16])
- Prestige TV Remake: Propose an “Alan Ritchson as Kimball” modern limited series ([87:32]), or Travis Kelce/Marshawn Lynch as athletic leads.
Key Timestamps for Important Segments
- [03:04–06:48]: 1990s family movies, genre chaos, and violence in ‘kids’ films
- [08:22–10:09]: Arnold’s charisma and self-aware comedy, Ivan Reitman’s directorial strategy
- [12:35–13:26]: “It’s not a tumor”—the line’s cultural impact
- [24:18–25:29]: Crisp’s villainy, odd character relationships
- [29:19–38:47]: Most rewatchable scenes (plane, first day, “boys have a penis…”)
- [42:09–46:18]: What’s aged the best—Astoria setting, posters, ponytails
- [63:07–64:42]: Hottest take—Kyle sympathizes with Crisp
- [67:13–69:01]: Casting what-ifs segment
Final Verdict: Who Won the Movie?
Listen-worthy Takeaways
- “Kindergarten Cop” remains a time capsule—insane tonal whiplash, Arnoldian magic, outdated social mores, and one of the most iconic movie lines ever.
- It initiated a flood of action stars attempting family comedies—with mostly disastrous results.
- Arnold’s comedic flexibility and Ivan Reitman’s commercial instincts created a truly unique, still rewatchable ‘90s classic.
For the full “Kindergarten Cop” deep-dive, hear the hosts on The Rewatchables, via The Ringer, Spotify, or the Ringer Movies YouTube channel.
“Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.” — A kid (32:21)
“It’s not a tuma!” — John Kimble (Arnold, 32:23)
“If you mention Kindergarten Cop to someone, they will and must say tumor.” – Kyle Brandt (12:53)
“He could have punched him again.” – Bill Simmons (35:39)
