‘Kindergarten Cop’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt

Summary

The Rewatchables: ‘Kindergarten Cop’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt

Date: April 21, 2026 | Podcast: The Rewatchables | Host: The Ringer
Episode Summary by The Rewatchables Team

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Episode Overview

Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt revisit the 1990 classic “Kindergarten Cop,” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and directed by Ivan Reitman. The two dive into the film’s unique blend of action, comedy, and unexpectedly dark themes, exploring Arnold’s cultural apex, the unpredictable tone of early ’90s family films, and the strange legacy the movie has left behind. The hosts riff on the film’s most iconic moments, the state of children’s movies in 1990, Schwarzenegger’s enduring appeal, and everything from age-inappropriate content to the infamous “it’s not a tumor” line.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

‘Kindergarten Cop’ in Cultural Context

• Accessibility: The film’s multigenerational appeal — college students, parents, and kids all could enjoy it. “You, you like it, you see it in the theater, in college, saw it on a date…” – Bill Simmons (03:04)
• 1990s Children’s Movies: The early ’90s marked a hybrid era. Films aimed at kids, like “Home Alone” and “Kindergarten Cop,” crossed lines now deemed inappropriate, mixing slapstick, violence, and mature themes.
  • “This movie exists in this weird part of time for culture... Back then you could end a kid's movie with an active shooter who set a fire and is now trying to kidnap a kid.” – Bill Simmons (03:04)
  • “So much of the fun in watching it now is just seeing, holy shit, how is this in the movie? There’s twelve of those things.” – Kyle Brandt (03:43)
• Changing Sensibilities: By the 2000s, family movies were sanitized, lacking the “sauce” of ‘90s fare, replaced by safe PG content starring The Rock, John Cena, etc.

Arnold Schwarzenegger & Ivan Reitman: One-of-One Movie Magic

• Schwarzenegger’s Apex:
  • The podcast contrasts Arnold’s self-aware goofiness to Seagal’s accidental comedy (08:22).
    • “Arnold’s kind of a joke. But I just love him so much. I just get over it.” – Kyle Brandt (08:22)
  • Iconic delivery: “Everything he says in this movie is hilarious, everyone...I don’t even know how to explain Arnold all these years later...” – Bill Simmons (06:48)
• Director as Coach: Ivan Reitman treated Arnold as a one-of-one talent, deploying him to maximal comedic effect.
  • “Ivan Rightman. This whole movie is like, how can I just have Arnold just saying lines? Arnold says more lines in this movie than I think in any other movie he's ever done.” – Bill Simmons (09:20)
• Quotable Legacy: The “it’s not a tumor” line lives on, rivaled only by “I’ll be back” in Arnold’s filmography (13:24).
  • “If you mention Kindergarten Cop to someone, they will and must say tumor. Like Arnold took possession of the word tumor...” – Kyle Brandt (12:53)

The Movie’s Tone and Edge

• Incongruous Elements: The film veers wildly between kid comedy, gunfights, bleak child abuse, and sexual identity gags — “everything is in this movie.”
• Risky Material:
  • “We have to, like, check every box of it. And they take basically all the sauce out of it. And just now this movie has John Cena in it or the Rock. And it's really safe. And it's like a really, really easy PG...” – Bill Simmons (05:35)
• Arnold’s Push: Schwarzenegger reportedly insisted on including real-world issues, like child abuse and divorce, into the script.
  • “Arnold was really passionate about touching a couple real life stories, including the abuse of children, and kind of pushed them to...have this in the movie.” – Bill Simmons (36:07)

Iconic Scenes and Lines

[Notable Quotes With Timestamps]

• [08:55] “And he's kind of okay being the joke because ultimately the joke's on everybody else because he's making like 15 to 20 million a year making movies at this point, he's hugely famous.” – Bill Simmons
• [13:24] “I have ‘it’s not a tumor’...I think it's his second most famous line in his entire career. I got...‘I'll be back’ has to be first.” – Kyle Brandt
• [24:18] “She comes in and it's like, I'm really worried that my son is playing with dolls. And Arnold goes, no, she's using them to look up girls skirts. And she goes, whoa, that's a relief…” – Kyle Brandt

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Most Rewatchable Scene Debate ([29:19–38:47]):
  • Plane scene into driving puke montage
  • Arnold’s terrifyingly earnest first day teaching: “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” (31:33)
  • “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina” – classic kindergarten wisdom (32:21)
  • “Who is your daddy, and what does he do?”
• On Arnold’s Dialogue:
  • “Every single thing he says is a gif. It's a soundboard button…it’s so fun to say and listen to.” – Kyle Brandt (10:49)
• Greatest ’90s Touches:
  • The shopping mall with a Brookstone store (39:12–39:52)
  • The carton of whole milk for every kid (38:47)
  • Ponytailed villains (46:18)

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Cast & Character Deep Dives

• Pamela Reed as the Partner: “Really nice performance by her...” – Bill Simmons (22:29)
• Richard Tyson as Crisp: A “Roadhouse” villain dropped into a kids’ movie, and the panel debates whether he works.
  • “Crisp is fantastic…almost reminds me of Jimmy from Roadhouse…” – Kyle Brandt (23:17)
• Mother-Son Dynamic: Universally considered “bonkers” and overtly Oedipal, yielding some of the episode’s most passionate riffs ([52:26–54:07]).

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1990 Cinema Snapshot & Arnold’s Career Run

• Box Office of 1990:
  • “Home Alone was the number one movie in America for 12 weeks…Kindergarten Cop drops in week 8.” – Kyle Brandt (17:50)
• Arnold’s Run:
  • “He’s carrying this basically from 1987, basically through True Lies. This is a pretty great eight year run.” – Bill Simmons (11:25)
  • Apex Mountain argument: 1990 is Arnold at his most powerful — “Total Recall” and “Kindergarten Cop” six months apart, with “Terminator 2” imminent ([19:28–20:07]).

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Ivan Reitman’s Directorial Touch

• Directs a “tight 15-year run” of commercial comedy classics (“Meatballs,” “Stripes,” “Ghostbusters,” “Twins,” “Kindergarten Cop,” and “Dave”) ([24:46–25:29]).
• His five rules for directing kids: “Listen, act natural, know your character, don’t look in the camera, and be disciplined.” (76:26)

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The Schwarzenegger “Quotability” Factor

• Best Arnold-isms:
  • “I’m the party pooper.” (40:46)
  • “There is no bathroom!” (41:06)
  • “He uses the dolls to look up girl’s skirts.” (41:06)
  • “I coach basketball at an old girls school in Rhode Island.” (41:06)
• The “It’s Not a Tumor” Phenomenon:
  • “Arnold took possession of the word tumor, which is a horrible, horrible word. When you hear that word, you think of Arnold.” – Kyle Brandt (12:53)

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Category Discussion Highlights

Most 1990 Thing About the Movie

• Shopping mall with a Brookstone (39:12)
• Cartons of milk for every child (38:47)
• Ponytailed villain as major threat (46:18)

What’s Aged The Worst

• Child abuse played for laughs/exposition
• The abrupt, violent ending—arson and a school shootout
• Plot involving rectal thermometers ([54:07])
• Kids’ “bathroom/sexual” jokes

What’s Aged the Best

• The setting: Astoria, Oregon, likened to “an infomercial for the Notre Dame campus” ([42:49])
• Tough, witty child actors and their dynamic with Arnold
• Single-name star poster era: “Schwarzenegger” above the title ([45:02])

Hans Gruber Villain Scale

• Debate: Is Crisp (Richard Tyson) effective as a villain?
  • Kyle: 6.5/10 — “I like Chris. I think Chris is fantastic...”
  • Bill: 4/10 — “Never did it for me...” (59:43–60:35)

Hottest Take/Alternate Readings

• Kyle: “I sympathize with Crisp. This character just wants to be with his son. You can't just take a child and run across the country. Fathers have rights.” (63:07)
• Bill: Would sacrifice the movie's existence to avoid 40+ terrible imitations (“The Tooth Fairy,” “The Pacifier,” etc.) spawned by its success. (65:05)

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Recurring Gags & Deep-Cuts

• Brookstone vs. Sharper Image: A meditation on extinct mall culture ([39:12], 78:18).
• Ponytailed Villain Aura: The transformative power of male ponytails in ’90s cinema (46:18).
• Craig’s Mini Review: Guest producer delivers a post-watch take, highlighting the bizarre Oedipal villain dynamic and the “obliviousness” of ’90s movies ([96:21]).

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Legacy, What Ifs & Theoretical Spin-offs

• Cast What-Ifs: Bill Murray, Swayze, Keanu, Danny DeVito considered for Arnold’s role; Christian Slater as Crisp; Sandra Bullock/Catherine O’Hara considered for female leads ([67:13–69:01]).
• Alternate Endings: What if Arnold’s character died in the final shootout, making it a "Hardball with G-Baby" type swerve? ([92:16])
• Prestige TV Remake: Propose an “Alan Ritchson as Kimball” modern limited series ([87:32]), or Travis Kelce/Marshawn Lynch as athletic leads.

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:04–06:48]: 1990s family movies, genre chaos, and violence in ‘kids’ films
• [08:22–10:09]: Arnold’s charisma and self-aware comedy, Ivan Reitman’s directorial strategy
• [12:35–13:26]: “It’s not a tumor”—the line’s cultural impact
• [24:18–25:29]: Crisp’s villainy, odd character relationships
• [29:19–38:47]: Most rewatchable scenes (plane, first day, “boys have a penis…”)
• [42:09–46:18]: What’s aged the best—Astoria setting, posters, ponytails
• [63:07–64:42]: Hottest take—Kyle sympathizes with Crisp
• [67:13–69:01]: Casting what-ifs segment

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Final Verdict: Who Won the Movie?

• Unanimous: Arnold Schwarzenegger. He owned 1990 with “Kindergarten Cop” and “Total Recall,” and no other action-comedy star has pulled off this formula since.

  • “Arnold Schwarzenegger. Twice in one year, dude.” – Kyle Brandt (96:06)

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Listen-worthy Takeaways

• “Kindergarten Cop” remains a time capsule—insane tonal whiplash, Arnoldian magic, outdated social mores, and one of the most iconic movie lines ever.
• It initiated a flood of action stars attempting family comedies—with mostly disastrous results.
• Arnold’s comedic flexibility and Ivan Reitman’s commercial instincts created a truly unique, still rewatchable ‘90s classic.

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For the full “Kindergarten Cop” deep-dive, hear the hosts on The Rewatchables, via The Ringer, Spotify, or the Ringer Movies YouTube channel.

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“Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.” — A kid (32:21)
“It’s not a tuma!” — John Kimble (Arnold, 32:23)
“If you mention Kindergarten Cop to someone, they will and must say tumor.” – Kyle Brandt (12:53)
“He could have punched him again.” – Bill Simmons (35:39)

Transcript

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[Bill Simmons]

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[Bill Simmons]

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[Bill Simmons]

By the Ringer Podcast network. You can find us on Netflix as well as on Spotify and on a whole bunch of different places. You can find Kyle Brandt every once in a while on the Ringer Podcast network. He's now belongs to NFL spn, espfl, ESPNFL Network. ESPNFL Network. Hopped over there. He's popping up all over the place. Still on Good Morning Football. He's been coming on this podcast five years. Six years.

[Kyle Brandt]

Five years. Six years since we did Teen Wolf. I think it was in the COVID year. That was my first one.

[Bill Simmons]

Honestly, a little light on Arnold movies for us and we're gonna.

[Kyle Brandt]

We were texting Bill and we're like, we kind of miss Arnold. Kind of miss hanging with Arnold. I don't think we've done it since the Running Man. That was a long time ago.

[Bill Simmons]

Long time ago. We're back. I'll be back. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kindergarten Cop is next. Kindergarten cop, 1990. I was in college. Where were you in 1990?

[Kyle Brandt]

Fifth grade. Saw it in the theater.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, you're kind of the audience for Kindergarten Cop.

[Kyle Brandt]

Big time. Yeah, big time. Loved it. Fired up by it. Thought it was the kids were hilarious. Thought the action was awesome. This is an important movie for me, big time. You, you like it, you see it in the theater, in college, saw it on a date.

[Bill Simmons]

I think it's one of those rare. Adults can go to the movie, college kids can go to the movie, parents can take their kids or kids can just sneak in and go. And I think 1990, this movie, now I don't know what it is in 2026. I just think it's a horrible version of itself. Back then you could end a kid's movie with an active shooter who set a fire and is now trying to kidnap a kid. And we're fine, nobody judges it. We just go, we're scared for the kid. We figured, Arnold's gonna save the day. This movie feels very distinct. 1990, let's not overthink this. Let's just give Arnold a job being a kindergarten teacher and let's go.

[Kyle Brandt]

So much of the fun in watching it now is just seeing, holy shit, how is this in the movie? There's 12 of those things. And it's like you're enjoying Arnold and whatever the kids and all that. But then you're also like, what is with all this child abuse and then heavy handed divorce lectures and then like some weird thing with sexual identity. Like everything is in this movie. And it always cracks me up that like if you brought your kids to this movie, oh great, Arnold's going to the kid stuff. I can't wait. Bring the kids kindergarten, it's gonna be awesome. And you sit down like your 8 year old or maybe your actual kindergartner. Like in the first three minutes of the movie there is an execution style murder. And then a woman is handcuffed to a dead body. And moments after that a man slaps a woman across the face and you're like, what is this? We should have gone home alone again. It's nuts. And there's 50 things like that in this movie. It's hilarious.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, it's like, Is this an NC17? No, no, it's probably. It was PG back then. I this movie exists in this weird part of time for culture where like my generation, we grew up and we had those, you know, we had the kids shows, but we also had like the ABC after school specials.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And we had those warning TV movies that like CBS would do. It would be like Diary of a Hitchhiker. And it would be like some hitchhiker gets brutally murdered in the beginning. And the hitchhiker. And basically the lesson was don't be a hitchhiker. Don't trust your uncle to take pictures of you. It was a lot of lessons. And then as we headed into the late 80s, early 90s, we flipped and there's this hybrid era. Cause Home Alone's in this, too. Some of those sports movies that. Like the Little Big League Sandlot. These movies where it's like, they're kids movies. But they're crossing lines in a way that I'm not sure we would do now. And then by the time we get to the 2000s, all of a sudden we're like, hey, these should just be kids movies. And we're really careful.

[Kyle Brandt]

I know.

[Bill Simmons]

And they do the Bad News Bears remake. And they have to, like, check every box of it. And they take basically all the sauce out of it. And just now this movie has John Cena in it or the Rock. And it's really safe. And it's like a really, really easy pg. And every kid is carefully cast. None of the kids make sense together. And I just think that's how we do it. But the early 90s, they didn't give a fuck. They just didn't care. And I'm kind of here for it.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm totally here for it. I assure you, if you're listening and watching, you've not seen this movie in a long time. Shit's gonna make your head spin when you watch it. And I think this movie is a flex. You already mentioned it once. Of the PG13 rating. That you can push that shit really far and still not get under the R. Like, just brutal shootings, drug deaths. Like kids looking up girls, skirts. I was like, man, I will spit my drink out when I saw that. And they put that in the trailer for this movie. I went back and watched it in 1990. It was desensitized. I was fifth grade. I'm 10 years old watching this movie. There was no part of my parents in the lobby who were like, well, that was a mistake. They were busting balls with me. They thought it was awesome. Totally different sensibility.

[Bill Simmons]

The kid is getting the child abuse. Kid is getting bullied by the class. And then it turns out he's being abused. Never really resolved. No idea how it worked out for him. This kid has had one of the most traumatic kindergartens you could possibly have. Ending with a fire and a school shooting. And it's like, did he come out of this okay? We'll never know. He's just kind of there. Did he make any friends? Probably not. This movie hinges around Arnold. I wrote down to me, like, it's like, Wemby. It's like a one on one. You go and you're like, I've never seen this before. Or you go see Ohtani and he pitches eight innings and hits a three run homer. And you're like, I've just never seen this before. I don't even know how to explain Arnold all these years later because we've done a couple of these movies. It takes off for him with Terminator in 84 and he's bouncing around the action stratosphere there for a little bit. But in the late 80s, when he mixes like, I can be in a comedy. I can be in Twins. No, Now I can be in Total Recall. Watch this. I'm gonna be in Kindergarten Cop. I'm gonna be in Terminator 2 again. He was basically these two people. Everything he says in this movie is hilarious, everyone. And maybe 80% of the time I don't think it's intentional, but I think he knows we think it's funny and doesn't take it personally and is playing along with the gag. But it's also not intentional on his part. I don't even know the line that he zags. I don't even know how he does it.

[Kyle Brandt]

I totally get what you're saying. You and I as people who love Arnold, spend most of his movies, a lot of them openly laughing at him, but we still love him. And dude, it's different though, than we do the same thing for Seagal. And Seagal is like a clown. Arnold is. I totally respect him. I don't look at him like Seagal at all. Not to mention the bodybuilder, the self made thing, the immigrant, all that like that stuff is very cool. But I watch most of his movies and I think Arnold's kind of a joke. But I just love him so much. I just get over it.

[Bill Simmons]

And he's kind of okay being the joke because ultimately the joke's on everybody else because he's making like 15 to 20 million a year making movies at this point, he's hugely famous. I saw this in the theater and during the. It's not a tuma. It's not a tuma at all. There it is, just huge laughter in the theater. And I don't even know like they. So Ivan Reitman directs this.

[Kyle Brandt]

He.

[Bill Simmons]

We'll talk about the legendary run he had. He had to know what he had here. The same way, like Bill Parcells knew what he had with Lawrence Taylor. It was like, this guy's a one of one freak. How do I just put him in situations where he's Just attacking the quarterback with one on one blocking. Ivan Rightman. This whole movie is like, how can I just have, first of all, how can I have Arnold just saying lines? Arnold says more lines in this movie than I think in any other movie he's ever done. How do I have variation in the words? So instead of tumor, I know it's going to be funnier when he says tuma. I think Arnold knows it's funny, but maybe deep down he thinks we're just laughing at the delivery and not just how stupid he sounds. I don't know how they did it and I think you can become self aware with this stuff. And eventually he became self aware, but I think in 1990 he wasn't 100% self aware yet.

[Kyle Brandt]

So it's a little bit of a heat check because Reitman and Schwarzenegger, they do twins and it works. And he doesn't have a giant machine gun and stuff like, holy shit, maybe we can do this. Now he's going to get a deeper heat check with Junior and he's going to miss. But this one hits again and I think you're onto something. Like I was watching this movie and I was finding myself, who is this for really? Because if you're there for the Arnold ass kicking, the kid stuff might be annoying. If you're there for the kid stuff, the Arnold ass kicking might be too much. And my answer is it's just for Die Hard Arnold. Heads like that, you show up no matter what he does. Because if you don't love Arnold Schwarzenegger, I mean love this movie could be too much for you.

[Bill Simmons]

Right?

[Kyle Brandt]

I also think, I agree with you. I think it's the most dialogue he's ever had. Dude, he's carrying five different genres. We have a buddy cop movie, a romantic movie, action kids, and he's really, really doing well. I also think it's like, I think it's his most quotable movie that he has ever done ever. Like every single thing he says is a gif. It's a soundboard button. It's just like, I'm going to ask you some questions, I want them answered immediately. It's all of those things. I'm a copy with it. It's so fun to say and listen to. And it's because he's just shouting out pearls every single scene. And we'd never seen him do that before.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, we also had Total Recall six months earlier. Yeah, so we are now on like an Arnold addiction cycle where every six months we need to go to a movie theater and just see him be Arnold. And he's. He's carrying this basically from 1987, basically through True Lies. This is a pretty great eight year run. So I found the Premiere magazine where they wrote basically a page about this movie. There are some gems in there.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, great. I love this.

[Bill Simmons]

He said. Arnold said this was a high concept. He's been touting for a long time. This is a quote. For 10 years, I've been telling writers, producers, directors, and studio executives that I would love to do a film where a kid or children are a very important part. Something like Jon Voight did in this boxing movie, the championship. You change always when you're around children. See if Arnold in these meetings, one of the biggest stars in the world, and they're like, what do you want to do next? He's like, I'd like to do something with children. Can I be in a kids movie? I can't now. We're still doing cocaine in the late 80s. And I'm sure people are like that. Yeah, that sounds great, Arnold. We'll put you in a first grade

[Kyle Brandt]

classroom, have one of the kids talk about penises. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So they just let her go to unleash them. And it worked. Not only did this movie make a ton of money, but people love this movie. Like I told a bunch of people anecdotally, like, what's next? Rewatchables? Oh, it's gonna be kindergarten crime. People are like, I love that movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

They love that movie. And everybody loves saying it's not a tumor. If you mention Kindergarten Cop to someone, they will and must say tumor. Like Arnold took possession of the word tumor, which is a horrible, horrible word. When you hear that word, you think of Arnold. I used to think of him when I would watch Amani. Tumor. And I would say, it's not a tumor. He took over that word. Question for you. I have it's not a tumor. I think it's his second most famous line in his entire career. I got.

[Bill Simmons]

I'll be back. Has to be first.

[Kyle Brandt]

And I think it's not a tumor is more famous than get to the Choppa, which is really well known from Predator. I think it's all the way up there, this throwaway line he has with this kid. But it's fun to say and everybody will say it if you mention this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

I think you're right. I think it took a second life when Amani Toomer actually showed up on the Giants, which was what, mid-90s? And I'm 99% sure Berman, who was doing the nicknames. And the nicknames were funny back then. We didn't have the Internet. We didn't know any better. If you go back, some of them are pretty forced.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. Jeff Brown, Paper Bagwell, Eric Sleeping with the Enemy.

[Bill Simmons]

I gotta say, I really enjoyed them way back when. But when he was doing the Amani, it's not, it's humor. It was the best one of all the ones because. So. So it's not a tumor. Lived on through like, tumor's entire career, basically.

[Kyle Brandt]

But from my understanding, is is that Boomer, to this day will have a nickname for everyone he encounters at espn. Did you ever get a nickname from Boomer?

[Bill Simmons]

No. He didn't like me for a while and then we. No, I, I, I think. I don't know what happened, but maybe I took it, made a joke about him in a column or something.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

But we hashed it out at the 2013 ESPYs, had a great hang with. It was the year, I think Jon Hamm hosted. They had the after party at a hotel and the Boomer. And I really put in the time. Like 15, 20 minutes. And I just, like, kissed his ass. And it was genuine. I was like, look, did you initiate or did he? I did. I initiated. And things were going awesome for me at the time at espn. I went up to him and I'm like, look, man, things are going great for me. I feel so indebted to you. You built this place like people like me are just trying to keep it going, but you're the guy. And I really felt that way. And he loved it. Obviously, I did too. Yeah. Yeah. But I think, you know, as people get older over the years, sometimes you could take shit. Berman was outsized, incredibly important. So anyway, it's not a tumor for him. Was one of the. Sleeping With Be Enemy was still the best one, though.

[Kyle Brandt]

An excellent one. Probably my favorite all time.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I think that was the best one. Anyway, Arnold could be in any movie. So they're doing this movie, basically variations of it, for the last, I'd say 15 years and it would have the Rock or John Cena, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham. Vin Diesel.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

It's just a really hard one to pull off. And I gotta be honest, I think he's the only one that did it.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's the only one that nailed it. And I have to give it, I have to give credit. Like, a lot of times those movies lose you because the kids are annoying. The kids are cute in this. Let's, let's call it what it is. They really are really funny kids. And in 1990, we had these kids and we had Kevin McAllister who were ruling the world. And it was really, really big back then. Arnold's interaction with him seems authentic. I like it. And I like the way they use the kids. And it's funny. I laughed. I still laugh at the kids. The dumps come, the dumb kids are like, my dad can't wear hats. And I'm sitting there now in my 40s, just laughing and enjoying it.

[Bill Simmons]

This also is a timeless movie. You know, it's, like, running on Netflix right now. It's 36 years old, and it's a movie that now you'd have I don't know how many generations of kids in the age of like, hey, we should watch this. This would be a good one. There's not a lot of these that you could watch. I mean, I always showed these to my kids way too early. So my kids are probably, like, you know, five or six when they watch us.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Um, but it was perfect. Cause it was. It's a little dangerous. It's funny. Arnold's funny. Some of the kids stuff is funny. It just. It works. Can we go back to 1990, though, please?

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's go.

[Bill Simmons]

So this. This movie ends. Let's see. 10th in 1990. Some of the bangers from that year. Home Alone is number one. Ghost, Dancing with Wolves, Pretty Woman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is fifth.

[Kyle Brandt]

Fucking A. Love it.

[Bill Simmons]

Hunt for Red October. Heard. That's a good movie. Total rec. Die Hard 2, Dick Tracy, Kindergarten Cop, Back to the Future, 3, Presumed Innocent, and Days of Thunder are a top 13. And what do all those movies have in common? Fucking huge stars. Almost across the board. You have Harrison Ford, Costner, Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore. Culkin becomes a huge star. Schwarzenegger's in two. Bruce Willis, Warren Beatty, Michael J. Fox, Cruz. We just. We knew what we were doing in 1990, Kyle.

[Kyle Brandt]

Dude, a bonkers year. The craziest thing about that year is the Home Alone piece, where Home Alone was the number one movie in America for 12 weeks. 12 straight weeks. Kindergarten Cop drops in week eight.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

And Arnold, coming off Total Recall, they don't even make the McAllisters blink. They rattle off another month. And here's the best part. The movie that finally took the number one spot from Home Alone, we've already mentioned it. A little movie, you know, called Sleeping with the Enemy took the number one spot, knocked out Kevin McAllister. How good is that?

[Bill Simmons]

Julia in Danger.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So Arnold goes predator running man in 87 red heat in 88 turns down die Hard, which seems like it's a mistake in retrospect. Twins 1990 recall and kindergarten cop 91. Terminator 2 and 90 is the year he takes the belt from Sly Stallone. For real.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's.

[Bill Simmons]

He. He co owns it from 87 on. They're basically like co champs.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yep.

[Bill Simmons]

Like when boxing, where there's like the WBC champ, the WBA champ. They're both champs. By 90, he has the belt. Sly's unraveled. He's doing Stop, My Mom Will Shoot and Oscar.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oscar.

[Bill Simmons]

He's doing Rocky 5. Like he. It just feels like it's over. Until Challenger, which we've not. Challenger cliffhanger. I don't know why I said challenger cliffhanger, which we've already done. That was his attempt to just climb. Literally, no pun intended. Back in the conversation. Because Arnold is just killing everybody. But he was the biggest star we had. And I don't know if there's been another run like this.

[Kyle Brandt]

No. And listen to step on Apex. Like I. I think this is Arnold's apex.

[Bill Simmons]

Me too.

[Kyle Brandt]

You did the Wemby comparison to me. This is the MJ87.88 season where he won MVP and Defensive Player of the year to give us the Paul Verhoeven super crazy violent sci fi Total Recall, which was awesome. And then this silly nonsense up in the Pacific Northwest with these kids in the same year is so different. And by the way, the best movie he ever makes is coming next in T2. I think this is the height of Arnold. Everything, by the way. He's also deeply entrenched in. In the George H.W. bush White House at this point. Like he has an official position. Like he's in government. All that is coming. He's running the world.

[Bill Simmons]

I think he's with. He's with Maria Shriver at this point too.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. Oh yeah, definitely.

[Bill Simmons]

It's all happening. I wrote that, had a little list. This said tangent.

[Kyle Brandt]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

So we didn't know how good we had it. Celebrity list. Like, I almost wish I could. I enjoyed it more in the moment.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm melancholy already. What do you got?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, you just figured, like Arnold, there'll be more of these. Arnold will be back in some other form and it's just not the closest we really got to was, I think Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movies. And it's just not. You can't compare it. But I was thinking just celebrities. I wish I had appreciated more in the moment. Arnold is one Michael Jordan. The whole run Although I do think when he went away to play baseball, we did appreciate it and really did think about it. Tiger's a great one because when it abruptly ended it was like, oh man, that sucked. That was a really good 12 year run. 80s Eddie Murphy, Mike and the Mad Dog was like this for me. Always knowing that they were on in New York. Anytime you were there, suddenly they were gone. Dan and Keith on SportsCenter late 90s WWE, the Attitude Era. Just felt like it was going to go on forever. It didn't. Randy Moss, part of me felt like he would just go until he was 45 just being able to run the straight down the. Down the sideline. Serena Williams just feeling like she was the mountain everyone had to climb in women's tennis. And then I gotta say there was a Michael Jackson run there in the 80s where it was like, wow.

[Kyle Brandt]

Definitely.

[Bill Simmons]

Holy mackerel. I mean the movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Best entertainer of all time, most talented person ever lived.

[Bill Simmons]

Definitely anyone else you would put on like for you. Just like. I wish I had appreciated a little more in retrospect.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. My mind goes to cr Months I was there and it was a beautiful month, but I wish I could have dug in further. It was beautiful though. I really enjoyed it.

[Bill Simmons]

So see our month. Arnold Tiger. Yeah, yeah, I got you.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think you guys came up a little short and should have had the balls to do the Sicario pod in Juarez live. But maybe, maybe the Reese Akario.

[Bill Simmons]

You were part of Crmont though. You get Fargo on your Wikipedia spectacular.

[Kyle Brandt]

Definitely.

[Bill Simmons]

Mike Anagita. The cast of this movie, Penelope Miller. That's the love interest. Small run for her here in the 90s, I think Carlitos and a couple others. Pamela Reid as the buddy cop.

[Kyle Brandt]

Sure.

[Bill Simmons]

Really nice performance by her in this. I thought. She's excellent.

[Kyle Brandt]

She's a very good actress.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Linda Hunt, who was I think started out near living dangerously. She's the principal. She's the little lady who. Oh yeah, a couple good scenes. Richard Tyson is the bad guy.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's go.

[Bill Simmons]

When do you want to do this? Now or later?

[Kyle Brandt]

You want to do some crisp talk? Because I'm here for crisp. Let's go.

[Bill Simmons]

What's going on here? Is this just like this is the NFL salary cap where we had to spend a lot of money on Mahomes and we're just going to keep our fingers crossed with the left tackle and hope he doesn't get annihilated in the playoffs.

[Kyle Brandt]

You might say the same for the Patriots too. I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

You really could but what happened here.

[Kyle Brandt]

What happened is a lot of silk clothing, a ponytail and a brood. And he somehow got this part. And by the way, like, I'm not here to shit on crisp. I love crisp. I think he's really funny. I think he's a good villain. I don't think he's going to win an Oscar, but he almost reminds me of Jimmy from Roadhouse. Like he's just kind of this brooding guy who has a physicality to him. I like Chris. I think Chris is fantastic.

[Bill Simmons]

That's the thing. He's a character from a Roadhouse, Van Damme kind of a movie. But this is actually kind of an elevated movie with good actors.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And I don't know how they figured out that. I don't know what's going on with him in general. The relationship with the mother is just bizarre, spectacular. I don't really know what's going on there either. The other one, Cathy Moriarty, is in this too, as like the MILF model.

[Kyle Brandt]

What is that?

[Bill Simmons]

Who's attracted.

[Kyle Brandt]

Why? Why, why is she in that for that role?

[Bill Simmons]

Wrong actress, wrong vibe. It just flips the movie into this crazy direction. It doesn't pay off. I don't know what they're doing with that either, but.

[Kyle Brandt]

And her scene is unfathomable. She comes in and it's like, I'm really worried that my son is playing with dolls. And Arnold goes, no, she's using them to look up girls skirts. And she goes, whoa, that's a relief. And I'm like, do. What the fuck? She's like, I thought it might have been something else. Thank God he's only looking at kindergartner skirts. Thank God he's so weird.

[Bill Simmons]

Future sex offender.

[Kyle Brandt]

She read that. She's like, yeah, I was in Raging Bull, no problem. But like, I like this. I'll sign up for this role. I'd like to be in this crazy.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I've been. Reitman directs from 79 to 93. He rips off Meatballs, Stripes, Ghostbusters, Legal Eagles Twins, Ghostbusters 2, Kindergarten Cop, and Dave. The best movie of all time. I realized that about two months ago. Dave's the best movie. You like Dave?

[Kyle Brandt]

I love Dave.

[Bill Simmons]

I think it might be the best movie of all time. Just comic touch. His movies always move. He has a knack for working with major, major stars and putting them in an awesome light over and over again. People are really good in his movies where you're just like, ah, I love that guy in that movie. And 15 years. I mean, he Made a shitload of money and then gave us Jason Reitman, who's had a really good career too, who's randomly in this movie. Yeah. Any Ivan Reitman thoughts, though, before we move on?

[Kyle Brandt]

I think it's really cool that when they go to Dominic's bedroom at the end of the scene, if you look closely, there's some Ghostbusters pillows on Dominic's bed, which I think is just awesome. Listen. Ghostbusters, one of the most important movies the last 50 years. Every single person in it. If you weren't there for that sensation, this was light years ahead of Kindergarten Cop, which we love, but one of the most important movies ever made.

[Bill Simmons]

I think 26 million for this one. They spent it, made 202, finished 10th, crushed it all the way around. 111 minutes plus 21 on the Horlbeck scale. We don't have Craig for this podcast, but he is going to come on at the end with his review. He'd never seen it really, so we'll find out what he thought. We do know what Roger Eber thought. Three stars.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's great. Take it.

[Bill Simmons]

The film is made up, quote, of two parts that shouldn't fit, but somehow they do. Making a slick entertainment out of the improbable, the impossible and Arnold Schwarzenegger. That was Raj. Three stars. I was surprised. I would have thought two and a

[Kyle Brandt]

half, three stars is great, but it's more than two parts. There's six different parts. There's so much on Arnold's shoulders in this. And we laugh at his accent, his acting and stuff. Holds the camera for every single scene. And honestly, I'm gonna get to this later. Is this maybe some of the best acting he's ever done in his career? Like, there's stuff that I really believe that he's feeling, and I don't usually say that about him.

[Bill Simmons]

I actually think it's the best he's ever been in a movie. It's crazy for using all his parts. And what's interesting, they make the decision near the end where he basically loses the shootout. Like, somebody has to save his ass. He's gonna get killed by some psycho grandmother. But he gets shot by two different characters and. And he's kind of cool with it. It makes him vulnerable. Right. He's not like a superhero. I. I just don't know if Stallone and Van Damme and Pick. Pick anybody from that era aren't like, no, no, this guy seems weak because he didn't win.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's remember, Seagal won't Let himself get punched by anyone in any movie. Even like a 300 pound bouncer. Arnold here is saved by a diminutive woman. Like that was. That's a pretty cool decision to make. I don't know if that was happening back then.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, it was. The old William Goldman always used to talk about this, how stars have to be stars in the movie. They don't wanna look weak. And he was using the example of Warren Beatty. Didn't wanna be in misery because of the crippling scene.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Cause the guy's crippled. He's a loser. From that point on, he's like, I can't play that part. I'm not gonna be a loser. And Arnold, he ends this movie, he's shot by two different people. He's a kindergarten teacher with a limp. But he's like, I'm fine. I'm good.

[Kyle Brandt]

This is.

[Bill Simmons]

This is a good movie. We're gonna take a break and then we gotta go through rewatchables. The categories are really fun for this movie. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's right now. McDonald's. You can get great deals all day with McValue. That's right. Jumpstart your day with the under $3 menu featuring a sausage McMuffin for just $1.50. Or grab the perfect lunch with the McDouble for just 2.50. Honestly, nothing pairs with a movie marathon like a McDouble in hand. Gotta love the McDoubles. Get even more value with McValue. Only at McDonald's. Limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher for delivery.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

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[Bill Simmons]

I'll offer you a couple. What do you got the plane scene into the driving puke montage.

[Kyle Brandt]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

With Arnold and Pamela Reed. Unless you want to go with any of the stuff in the very beginning. The violent stuff when Arnold's got the beard and the sunglasses. I don't know if you're into that.

[Kyle Brandt]

I like the beard and sunglasses. I like Arnold in the drug den with a shotgun, just shooting everything. It feels a lot like Terminator 1. When Arnold goes into tech noir, the club, it's Almost like a note for note. I really, really like that part. Arnold's kicking ass. The beard is preposterous. The hair is terrible, and that's part of the laughing at Arnold that we talked about. So I'm here for that, for sure.

[Bill Simmons]

I was going to do this later. Let's do it now.

[Kyle Brandt]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

Patched on beard.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, terrible.

[Bill Simmons]

Real beard. Is it possible he's just one of those? He grew a real beard and it just looks fake when he grows a beard? Because we know those people too, the guys who grow beards. And it look. Doesn't seem like a real beard.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think that they did not have a real beard. We've seen. We saw Arnold with heavy scruff and Predator. We see him with a beard and the Running man briefly, and he looks fucking awesome. He looks like the brawny man. This is like this woolly, woolly patch on, miscolored thing. It looks horrible, but we like it.

[Bill Simmons]

I thought it was fake, but I wasn't. You also could have sold me like he dyed it or did something weird. It. Between that and the sunglasses, I don't know what's going on. It's like a parody of some of his other movies. So plain scene in the driving puke montage, we get Arnold threatening the kid by breaking the pencil. We get Angela Bassett as the flight

[Kyle Brandt]

attendant out of the clouds with one

[Bill Simmons]

line well before she became the queen. And we get Arnold repeatedly just watching his partner puke and being confused by it. Like he's never seen a human being struggle physically with anything before his. Okay. Arnold's first day of school, we kick things off with one of the kids going, boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. Killer line brought the house down. In the theater, Penelope Miller tells him, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it. Good line comes back, it's fucking chaos. Leading to Arnold going, shut up, shut

[Kyle Brandt]

up, shut up, shut up. So sounds so fun. So fun.

[Bill Simmons]

And then he has to get the ferret. A lot of ferret in this.

[Kyle Brandt]

The ferret with no name. I mean, listen, is this Apex Mountain for ferrets?

[Bill Simmons]

So I had that written down as a strong. Yes. Ferrets had a moment of about a year and a half before people realized they were just overgrown rats and not fun to hang out with and kind of stinky.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then I was over the Big Lebowski. There's nice marmot, there's a ferret. And then. Is that the Richard Gere one or is that something different? Was he A ferret guy? Or was that gerbils? I can't distinguish my marmots.

[Bill Simmons]

Arnold plays who's your daddy?

[Kyle Brandt]

And what does he do?

[Bill Simmons]

This has the. It's not a tomb. It's not a tomb at all. This has confessions from the kids, including, my daddy is a gynecologist.

[Kyle Brandt]

Fantastic.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't think that they're playing who's your Daddy now in 2026. I'm guessing that got vetoed by the school principal, especially.

[Kyle Brandt]

What does he do? That's none of your business. We're not doing any of that.

[Bill Simmons]

One of the reasons this is such a good scene is we just get to hang out with all these different kids. There's like 10 kids, and it's like, all right, cool. I'm actually. It's not just like, this anonymous classroom. I feel like I'm learning.

[Kyle Brandt]

It feels like what they would now put in as outtakes during the closing credits. Here's this cute stuff we record, but it's actually in the movie. I actually think one of the faults is I think they should have done more of that. Like, the kids are on fire. The kids are cooking. Especially the girl at the end who has to go to the bathroom and can't do the overalls. Like, that stuff is all. All gold. I wish they would have done more.

[Bill Simmons]

I agree. And I think if I had notes, if they had sent me the script and I could have weighed in on some stuff, I probably would have cut down on crisp a little bit. I would have had Arnold trying to get the kids ready for a play or something. Like, play it up more where he has to run a rehearsal. No, you came in too soon and do that whole thing.

[Kyle Brandt]

We could have done that with the Gettysburg Address. And you're onto something, dude. My favorite word that Arnold Schwarzenegger says, He says, like, 12 times in this movie is, come on, come on. It was a fire drill. Come on. And that's what he says in Predator. Come on, Kill me. I'm here. He hits that one so hard, and every time he says, come on, I laugh and I want to run around with him.

[Bill Simmons]

I have another idea for this that I have in a later part of the pod. The milk nap scene I really like. Just, like, very tender scene. But just seeing kids drink milk, I don't. Do they do that anymore? Probably not, no. Arnold reads a book, and we have the nightmare doze off. That scene's good. Arnold almost kills Pamela Reed's fiance, and she goes right from, I think, having sex to just, yes, diving Into a plate of pasta. Unexplained. Where was the pasta?

[Kyle Brandt]

Burying pasta in bed.

[Bill Simmons]

Naked postpartum pasta next to her. Like, what happens there?

[Kyle Brandt]

It's a lot with that character in the eating. It's like four jokes too many. I get it. She likes it. Four.

[Bill Simmons]

14.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, it might be 14. It's. It's that that thing gets beaten to a pulp, and the fact that she just was having sex with her fiance and is not eating, like, an apple or something. A plate of pasta with a fork. It's not realistic.

[Bill Simmons]

What was the guy's name?

[Kyle Brandt]

Barry.

[Bill Simmons]

Barry's a chef. I don't know. Arnold beats up Zach's dad, a child abuser. And then the principal, instead of saying, like, you're suspended for two weeks, is like, how did it feel to punch him? I loved it. This was great. Most 1990 stretch of the movie, Teachers punching a parent.

[Kyle Brandt]

Can you imagine the screenwriter at the computer typing out the line, you hit the kid, I hit you.

[Bill Simmons]

He was about four.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yes. It's Miller time. Like, that is gold. Let's go, baby. He goosenecked that thing right out of his office. And by the principal. The principal seems to know that that father was a child beater. And it's just that. That's just the thing that people know that he's beating up this kid. And afterwards, she's like, yeah, that was awesome how you punched him again in front of the school, the teachers, everything. And he could have punched him again.

[Bill Simmons]

What I got. I'm just trying to think of somebody pitching that in a movie they're writing in 2026.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And the kind of notes they would get from. From. From the studio. So, yeah, the child abuse, that plot. So, yeah, we're gonna have to maybe take that out.

[Kyle Brandt]

Do we need to actually show the bruising on the child's neck? Yeah, we think it. It's key. I mean, it's. That's intense.

[Bill Simmons]

In the research, Arnold was really passionate about touching a couple real life stories, including the abuse of children, and kind of pushed them to, like, we have to have this in the movie. This is an important topic. And that's why I said, see, that's the Arnold difference.

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't think the action stars are like, how big's my trailer? How cool do I look when I punch the guy? And Arnold's like, we really need to focus on the damages of divorce in the American household. Like, and that's the shit that he wanted. He's a genius, man.

[Bill Simmons]

Two more. The fair little heart Teagues Heart tug speech about Arnold. Oh, yeah, from Linda Hunt. The principal gets a little touchy in the throat watching.

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't know what kind of police officer you are, but you are a very good teacher. I was like, am I crying? A kindergarten cop. Holy shit. Mr. Kimball, we did it.

[Bill Simmons]

Pollen in the room right now getting a little dusty. And then we get the big fire, shootout ending. Stranger, stranger.

[Kyle Brandt]

And that's what we did back then. We'd say stranger danger and don't pick up candy from kids. And they just learned that from the other cop before he comes in the hallway.

[Bill Simmons]

So this guy Chris shows up at the school, has an interview with the principal. For some reason, even though it seems like it's a public school, he could just join the school. Sees this kid.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yep.

[Bill Simmons]

And he's like, all right, what's my plan? Could wait like eight hours, maybe tail him home.

[Kyle Brandt]

Nah, let's do this now.

[Bill Simmons]

Should I. Should I set a huge fire to the kids library, burn thousands of books and cause mass panic. And that's what I'm going to do. And my mom's going to wait in the car with a gun.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then when the kids scurry into the hallway and the sprinklers go off, I'll just kind of run in there and grab them amongst the 200 kids and then I'll just go upstairs.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, go upstairs where there's no escape. Get up there. What could go wrong? It's a fire. There's water everywhere. It's really.

[Kyle Brandt]

The last 10 minutes of the movie are preposterous.

[Bill Simmons]

It's really a bad plan.

[Kyle Brandt]

The plane is trying to land and it's just dragging sparks all over the Runway. But you're here for it.

[Bill Simmons]

What is the most rewatchable scene for you? It's not a tuma.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think it's Arnold's opening speech. I'm Mr. Kimbo. I want the man said immediately. And then the tumor and all, that's the questions about what my dad does.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Arnold's first day just could have basically been its own movie. Where he's finally like, I found a. I. I have a ferret in my car. I'm gonna go get the ferret. That's his last move. The ferret has no name. Said this ferret. He's never named the ferret. It's just. Tis my pet ferret. It's not like this is.

[Kyle Brandt]

Doesn't make any sense. First thing kids would do is they name the pet.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, this is Benny. I have that as well. What's the most 1990 thing about this movie other than giving those little cartons of milk to each kid, Each with a whole milk. Yeah, whole milk.

[Kyle Brandt]

That was when they would run those commercials when it said, like, milk, it does a body good. And the kid who's getting bullied drinks milk, and then he turns into 6 foot 10. Milk was everywhere back then.

[Bill Simmons]

I think that's the winner.

[Kyle Brandt]

I got a one seed.

[Bill Simmons]

All right, what do you got?

[Kyle Brandt]

All right. The opening scene of the movie is shot in a great American shopping mall. And that's not enough. Specifically Crisp in silk clothes, a ponytail, and smoking a cigarette, is walking through the mall, and what does he pass behind him? A Brookstone store.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, wow.

[Kyle Brandt]

Like, that is the shit. Brookstone. That was funded almost exclusively by divorced dads who would pay $2,500 for a massage chair in 1990. And you'd go in there and just fuck around and try stuff. When you went there with your friends. Brookstone, and they're like blood crip battle with the sharper image. That was so 1990 and crisp. Walking past it with a cig. Amazing.

[Bill Simmons]

Incredible. Great job by you. I think that beats milk. I think that beats Arnold's pet ferret. I think it beats the cars. The cars are very 1990 in this movie. Including, like one of the Joyce Cabriolet.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, she got a GEO tracker. I looked that shit up. A red GEO tracker. It's awesome.

[Bill Simmons]

And then every single moment, second, everything with Richard Tyson in this movie just feels like it could only have happened in 1990. 1991. No. 89. No. 90. Yes. Yep, that's it. It's the only year he could have been in this. The Floyd Goli butter in my ass and lollipops in my mouth award for something I just enjoy. Yeah, no surprise. But for me, it's. It's Arnold just delivering. Not ar The Arnold lines, like the home run, money shot lines that they know are going to crush, but him just saying normal, basic things.

[Kyle Brandt]

Mm.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm the party pooper. So good he uses the dolls to look up to girls skirts. I coach basketball at an old girls school in Rhode Island. There is no bathroom. Back to the carpet. If he does it again, I press charges.

[Kyle Brandt]

I like that one.

[Bill Simmons]

Just any line is perfect with him. And it was really fun to write those out as Arnold. Like Arnold English versus English. But yeah, it's just. I'm always going to enjoy it for the rest of my life hearing him just say normal lines.

[Kyle Brandt]

Did you have any thoughts, Bill, on what kind of system John Kimball Ran when he was coaching basketball. Was it like a spread system? Was it a zone defense?

[Bill Simmons]

Like a patino, like, press trap all

[Kyle Brandt]

up and down the court, full court press, slapping the floor.

[Bill Simmons]

Man, when did he ever even hold a basketball?

[Kyle Brandt]

I can't think of a time.

[Bill Simmons]

He says in this movie, he says he grew up in Austria.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, that was my answer. I enjoy and I respect in Arnold movies when they take the care to address why the fuck this guy talks like this. And sometimes they don't do it. They're like, screw it, Jingle all the way. He lives in the suburbs, married to Rita Wilson. No reason at all for his voice or his physique. This one, they're like, well, he grew up in Austria and that's why he talks. I. I appreciate that. Sometimes they just ignore that shit. But I love that they do it here.

[Bill Simmons]

They would be like, yeah, they'll have movies where he's just like, Don Smith.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, no big deal. And he says, California. Like, why is Mr. Smith talk that way? And why does he look like he does 275 for reps on the incline press? What the fuck is with Mr. Smith?

[Bill Simmons]

What stage the best. I'll start us off with Astoria, Oregon. Yeah, it just seems like the best place on earth. I have no idea if it is. However they film this, it just seems like the happiest, nicest place you could ever raise a kid. Except for unless Crisp shows up and sets fire to your school library. Sets off a massive shooting.

[Kyle Brandt]

Terrorizes the patrons of the local toy store too. I remember when we did the Rudy pod and we were just like, this is just an infomercial for the Notre Dame campus. Every person wants to apply to Notre Dame after. This is so beautiful. And. And this is the story in the heels of several years earlier where the Goonies was and it's on the beach and there's pirate ships. So, like Historia was a beautiful place back there. Never been, but it looks great in movies.

[Bill Simmons]

I have Jason Reitman as the boy that Kimball catches kissing somebody when there's the fire. And Jason Reitman is the little kid that runs out. Or like he's like a 13 year old Arnold's beard. We mentioned child abuse plots in the 80s and 90s as a plot device. As we were just starting to figure out that child abuse might be bad. I would say that stage the best because now I think we have a better handle on that. That it's bad.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, I think we have a zero tolerance policy now.

[Bill Simmons]

1990, maybe not. Maybe it's like, hey, can look at it from both sides. 2026. Do you remember those were anti.

[Kyle Brandt]

When they would say, coming up on a very special episode of Growing Pains.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

And it would be like, Mike Seaver tries drugs. Or like the Different Strokes article or episode where the guy who run the bike store is, like, trying to get with Arnold. They would do those things all the time. And that's how we learned about this stuff.

[Bill Simmons]

Different Strokes did two of them because there's another one now, Gordon Jump as the pedophile bike shop guy who really took some liberties with Dudley. We still don't really know what happened and we don't want to talk about it, but something bad probably happened and Arnold foiled it. There was another one with somebody who locked Arnold in a room and was trying to get it out with Dana Plato, who's like 12. Sure. That was like the lot. Like Different Strokes went back to the well multiple times. And then Family Ties was the other one that had no problem crossing the line with anything.

[Kyle Brandt]

This is how hard we're about to nerd out. I can think of a third Diff'rent Strokes episode in which the son from over the top, the annoying kid from the military school, he's in it and I think he's selling drugs to Arnold and his best friend. It's like they did them once a month. They were doing a very special episode. Those were the normal episodes.

[Bill Simmons]

Facts of Life did it too. This is what we grew up with. This is why Kindergarten Cop, we hit this point where everybody's like, no big deal. Yeah, fine. Any. What's age the best for you?

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, I have. I have two great poster. And you know what I miss? Bill, you'll totally get this. I miss when it was one name over the poster and just the last name. Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Not Sylvester, not Arnold. And this is kind of cool because I saw the poster Project. Yeah, look at that. Look at that. They don't even need to say Arnold. But I just saw the poster for Project Hail Mary, and it just says Gosling. There's no Ryan. And I was like, that is such a status symbol that they don't put any other actors. They don't even put your fucking first name. Just the last name. And I feel like it's kind of throwback. Very cool.

[Bill Simmons]

There was. It's a great point. There was some stuff in the 80s that we were just doing better. Another was Sports Illustrated covers.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

They would just have the one picture with as tight of a headline as possible. And the Sports Illustrated. And especially in the 80s, late 70s 80s, it got to the point you couldn't wait to see what the COVID was. And then they started cluttering it with all these other things on it. But the best covers they ever had were just a picture with like a small headline. Sometimes it wouldn't even have a headline. Same thing with the posters. I just think we started overthinking the posters. That's the kind of poster put your star last name. We're ready to go. What's your other. What stage?

[Kyle Brandt]

The best ponytailed villains like this. I have my handful of my favorites and crisp is way up there. I got Ben Kingsley and sneakers, which we did. A guy, a man who's been knighted, who has a ponytail. My guy Julian Sands in the movie Warlock goes with a heavy ponytail. Sam Jackson and Jackie Brown is braided. And then one that's near and dear to you. I think you have to have Terry Silver on the list from Karate Kid 3 and then again in Cobra Kai. And then I got crisp with thick side, parted ponytail. It's really, really cool. I miss. They don't do that anymore.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a great point. Did you have a friend who occasionally went ponytail and it would completely change his personality?

[Kyle Brandt]

I had a friend who went rat tail, which was much different. And that was like shaved short and just an isolated ponytail. Did you have a ponytail or were you ponytail guy?

[Bill Simmons]

No, my hair goes up, not down.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh yeah, yeah, same.

[Bill Simmons]

No, we had in my bar restaurant days, my roommate, actually Richard, AKA Ricky, who was the guy who got us the illegal cable box that allowed me to watch four straight years of illegal pay per view movies. He had long hair and sometimes he could go ponytail with it. And it was a complete game changer. He would just immediately look like he was one of the villains in an early 90s movie. And then when he didn't have it, it was like normal. And then the ponytail would. Would swing it and he became kind of like a little dangerous looking. I was always now call it aura. Yeah, yeah. It was like, what's up with this guy? Great shot. Go Order Award for most cinematic Shot. The nightmare scene is good. It's a good zag because you just think he fell asleep with the kid and then all of a sudden, crisp. Dennis Benihana Awards scene still in location, obviously. Astoria.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Bill Simmons]

Big Kahuna Burger Award Best use of food and Drink. It's gotta be the milk.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's 100% the milk. And how about that? It's not easy to Create sexual tension with a beverage like milk. And she straight up wipes it off his lip as there's 20 sleeping kids there. I mean, they're halfway to third base

[Bill Simmons]

at that point, right?

[Kyle Brandt]

Penelope is so horny in this movie. She really is.

[Bill Simmons]

I like it.

[Kyle Brandt]

She's way into Mr. Kimball and God

[Bill Simmons]

bless her, turns out she likes big guys.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

We have a special one. The Steven Seagal shitting on himself award for most unbelievable anecdote from the actual film shoot.

[Kyle Brandt]

I always try to use this category. I'm so glad you have it. What is it?

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, it's a pleasure to put this on. So I have. This is from the Premiere article. And they asked the kids what they think of Arnold and Arnold claims kids love when they. Kids love when they can teach a grown up. So of course they all started doing no, no, do it this way. And then Premier asks, what did the kids think of Arnold? According to Meta, a six year old girl. Arnold is strange as a teacher, but I like him, says Jim Jim, another five year old, with a giggle. He picks his nose. I saw him pick his nose lots of times. I saw him eat like a pig once.

[Kyle Brandt]

Ew.

[Bill Simmons]

Nonetheless, Jim Jim wants to grow up like Schwarzenegger, if only because he can lift everyone up. This is just in the Premiere magazine. So in the movie, Arnold picks his nose. That's your anecdote?

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, I can see that giant nose.

[Bill Simmons]

And then Arnold had some tidbits. He said he took his role seriously as the leader on the set and the teacher. I always gave them kind of the tough talk because they believed it 100%. A kid would be crying because she fell on her knees. I would say, why are you crying? Because my knee hurts. I'd say, but this sounds like a little girl. Real tough people don't cry. Really? Yeah, they don't cry. They fall on their knees, they look at it. Maybe tears come to their eyes, but then they swallow and say, to hell with it. So what? And the kid looks at me and says, it's a good idea. Whenever they're tuned into you and you can get a message through them, you can move in with something. So Arnold's basically, he's like, I really taught these kids how to be tougher on the set. I think he took real pride in it. And he sounds like a psycho. There's no way. Now people are like, hey, the star of your movie upbraided my daughter because she fell and hurt her knee and told her to be tough and shake it off. I'm calling HR but no, 1990, we were fine.

[Kyle Brandt]

They wanted him to do it. I think Arnold was very intense about fitness and wellness and diet and all that stuff. But there's that scene where he's got the kids doing the sit ups. And you could tell maybe those kids are getting a little tired. Arnold, they're like six years. They can't really bang out a hundred crunches. And he was still coaching them to do it. I love it.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, they kids at this point, it's a miracle if they're potty trained and not, like, having meltdowns. Arnold's like, hey, I need you to do a hundred sit ups. He really was making them work out on. On the set, like, trying to get out, keep everybody exercise. All right, you have a flex category. What do you got?

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, I'm a little disappointed. I thought there might be a porn parody where Kimball sleeps with all the horny single moms, but I looked. There is no kindergarten.

[Bill Simmons]

I sadly looked as well. Yeah, there was one of my. I don't know if we're both on a watch list now, because Googling kindergarten cop porn parody probably immediately puts you on a watch list. But I did look as well.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's fine. In my next window. Over on my next tab, I have. Is Crisp's ponytail real? I'm searching all kinds of weird shit for this. No, I went with the BAM out of IO award for where the hell do these 83 points come from?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

I understand that Ivan Reitman had worked with Arnold, and I'm sure he had the highest hopes for how Arnold's acting might be in this big project. But when he's sitting there at that dinner scene in that fancy restaurant, and Arnold is just throwing those eyes over at Penelope and there's real, actual chemistry, and you feel like Arnold is in love with her, Reitman had to be like, cut. Arnold. Holy shit, that was great. What? We're moving on. Let's go. And it's like he had to be. That had to exceed his greatest expectations because that's real acting Arnold's doing.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, that's a good call.

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm proud of him.

[Bill Simmons]

Should we do it? Should we cover another thing?

[Kyle Brandt]

No, no, no. Don't bitch. Matt. Anybody crazy. Did you see what he just did? No way.

[Bill Simmons]

The Butch's Girlfriend award for weak link of the film. Okay, the mother son relationship with Crisp and his mother in this movie is abjectly bonkers. To the point where are we sure they were mother and son? Are we sure she wasn't like a sugar mama? And they were pretending to be mother son, but it was just like some rich lady that he was having sex with. Because no mother and son interact like this ever in real life. In movies, there's like sexual tension with him. He keeps kissing her. It's fucking weird. And I don't really fully understand what they're trying to do here.

[Kyle Brandt]

Tell you what, young people out there, ladies, guys, whatever. If you meet someone, if you meet a man and they address their mother as mother, run. Like that is not a good thing. No one should be saying mother. We don't do that. I have one of my best friends from high school. We always joke about this movie, that with the two of them, he thinks that. He thinks that Crisp is still on the tit. Like, he thinks that he's. He's actually nursing still and that there should be a scene with that he. It's heavily Oedipal. It's so weird. And I think that they may like sleep naked and cuddle each other.

[Bill Simmons]

It's like Game of thrones when the 13 year old was nursing. Yes. Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

What does that guy think? A kid who sits up from the nipple with the milk running, except this guy's like 30.

[Bill Simmons]

That's amazing. Yeah, I mean, I would believe that. I would believe any version of however you wanted to describe the relationship between these two people. But it's not mother and son. I don't know what's happening.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let me drop one more on this because I had this. On what stage the worst. She goes to the local pharmacy. What's age the worst? Rectal thermometers. That was really a thing back in the day where you would come home and be like, mom, I don't feel so good. She'd be like, grab your ankles and spread your cheeks and put it right up your ass. 98.6. That if you went into CVS today. Do they still have rectal thermometers? Are those still a thing? No way, right?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. We really wish we had Craig here. Cause this is like, especially to answer weird questions like.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. So Craig, imagine you felt like you might have had a fever. And you go to your mom and she takes your temperature, but not like under your tongue. It would go in your butt and they would like lube it. And that was. I don't think it was even that strange. I think a lot of people did it.

[Bill Simmons]

I know nobody who did this.

[Kyle Brandt]

You never had it?

[Bill Simmons]

I don't think so. I. So my interpretation of that was rectal thermometer was to insinuate, like, how evil this person was because it's like she won't just take your temperature, she's gonna really take your temperature.

[Kyle Brandt]

And she did it to Chris though. Chris when he was growing up. And I'm sure that at that pharmacy there were many conventional thermometers available, including the digital kind by 1990. No, you can't get a true reading of the temp unless you go rectal and you have to buy lube. Like how disgustingly sadistic is a rectal thermometer? Just feel your kid's forehead and move on.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm glad we talked about this.

[Kyle Brandt]

Definitely got to hit it.

[Bill Simmons]

Did you have you hit the same weak link?

[Kyle Brandt]

My weak link is Pamela Reid is a very good actress. I got enough of that character. I don't need all of the eating and the puking. And I think there's a lot of it. And it's not my favorite part of the movie. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

What stage is the worst? The big ending with an active shooter. Arsonist in an elementary school. Just bizarre decision. I love it. Playing who's yous Daddy, having a pet ferret. And there was a standalone sequel called Kindergarten Cop 2 in 2016 starring Dolph Lundgren that I guess we're just not going to talk about.

[Kyle Brandt]

And Bill Bellamy. I watched the trailer yesterday and it was a terrible use of 60 seconds. Bad rectal thermometer wins.

[Bill Simmons]

But what else do you have?

[Kyle Brandt]

I have rectal thermometer written down. I could have picked 50 different things. How about this? How about climbing the rope in gym class? That's not a thing anymore. You would climb 30 some feet, touch the ceiling of a gymnasium and they would have a 2 inch pad down on the floor in case you fell.

[Bill Simmons]

Right.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's a fucking preposterous thing to have. That's not it. My kids don't climb the rope in gym class. They had kindergarteners doing it in this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

Another one which you mentioned earlier was the little kid looking up little girls skirts for comedy's sake. Plus like the whole explanation of the mom being relieved that maybe he's not gonna wear skirts. Everything about that probably aged the worst. Trying to think what else the hotel. Like just them staying in the same hotel room. I don't know if that's a nitpick or I would say it's the worst, but just get two rooms. You're in the middle of nowhere in Oregon. Like you could probably get side by side with the doors that open and close. They're like roommates. Why?

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm not really sure they sleep in the same room. They, they had no problem having the plane ticket. I don't think there's that tight of a budget but it is a little weird. It just makes it so that he can walk in on with the fiance scene and the pasta, which is a very good scene.

[Bill Simmons]

Any other woods age the worst?

[Kyle Brandt]

No, we've covered all of mine.

[Bill Simmons]

We're gonna take a break and then we'll come back with the hands with the Hans Gruber scale next. This episode is brought to you by LinkedIn ads. Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first but didn't live up to the hype? Well, marketers know the feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great. Impressions reach reacts. But when they don't show revenue, well, that's not such a great conversation with the CFO. LinkedIn has a word for that. Bull spend. Instead, why not invest in what looks good to your CFO? LinkedIn Ads generates the highest roas of any all major ad networks. Reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads you can target by company, industry, job title and more. So cut the bull. Spend. Advertise on LinkedIn, the network that works for you. Spend $250 in your first campaign on LinkedIn ads. Get a $250 credit for the next one. Just go to LinkedIn.com Rewatchables Terms and Conditions apply. This episode is brought to you by Brooks Running. Sometimes in the film world, we see performances on screen that are so mind blowing, you think so someone somewhere is bending the rules. Like when one actor plays twins or nails a really difficult accent. The glycerin flex from Brooks is that phenomenon in shoe form. It provides a flexible cushion ride that's made to move with you. With a breathable upper, your shoe feels like a distraction free second skin. It's the ultimate blend between human movement and tech. So if you want to experience the best parts of your performance, flex the rules and the new glycerin flex. Shop the glycerin [e-mail] Hans Gruber scale so you could go crisp or you can go crisp. Crisp, mom here. I don't know where you want to go.

[Kyle Brandt]

I would go crisp. I like crisp. I think he's weird and scary and he has that scene in the interrogation room. He's just like, my old lady left me because of the money. Yours left because she couldn't stand the sight of you. And he's talking shit to Schwarzenegger. And it works. But it's just like the ponytail does so much of the Heavy lifting and the wardrobe. I. I'm here for it. I like it. I have it. I have him at like a 6.5on the Gruber scale. He doesn't get as much to work with, but I like him. You want the mom?

[Bill Simmons]

I'm at a four. I'm at a four for both of them. I. It's not.

[Kyle Brandt]

Chris isn't doing it for you. I expected to show up to this pod and you'd be like, I just want to talk about Chris for 90 minutes. Not doing it.

[Bill Simmons]

Never did it for me. Well, there's also. There's baggage with him because he's in 3 o'.

[Kyle Brandt]

Clock.

[Bill Simmons]

Richard Tyson's at 3 o' clock high, which he was good in, but then is in Two Moon Junction with Sherilyn Fenn, which was one of the pre skine and Max, like early nudie cable movies that was on. And it was just really weird to then just see him in this movie two years later when you're just thinking of him over and over again having slow motion sex with Sherilyn Fenn. And now he's.

[Kyle Brandt]

Chris is the first. First movie I ever saw him in thinking of him having slow motion sex with his mom. So maybe that's the reason

[Bill Simmons]

I. My issue with him. You like him more than I do.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Our guy, Brad Wesley from Roadhouse, who every scene he's in, he's equally, like, loathsome. And I think he's supposed to serve the same purpose as Chris. But every scene he's in is hilarious. Everything he does is hilarious. The people around him are hilarious. And it's just like he kind of plays it perfectly. I still don't understand what Crisp is doing in this movie. Exactly. Is he evil? Like, I guess he's evil. Cause he steals the race car set from that poor guy who was just trying to bring it to his kid. That's like. And then he shoots somebody once, but it's. And all of a sudden he's burning a library. I just don't know what to make of Crisp.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then in his final scene with Dominic, he goes for the Academy Award when he's just pulling him in like this. And you're my son. Like, he's really going for it. Whereas as your point, Brad Wesley, you know, goddamn JC Penney is coming because of me.

[Bill Simmons]

Right?

[Kyle Brandt]

That's. That's a line right there.

[Bill Simmons]

I want him to actually probably be more evil. I think he's in kind of no man's land from naval standpoint. They need like four more evil things.

[Kyle Brandt]

I read something that. That they thought that he wasn't evil enough and that they were actually sympathizing with him. Test audiences. And so they added some nasty shit. And probably including the totally gratuitous thing where he beats up some man who wants to race cars.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ruffalo, Hannah, Ruben, Partridge. Overacting board. We just did it. Richard Tyson.

[Kyle Brandt]

He's going for it. Dominic, he's doing Streetcar Named Desire. Like, he is going for it in the monologue. He's trying to win the Academy Award. It's. And I don't think it's going to happen. But I like Crisp, though.

[Bill Simmons]

Special category. Okay. The Ed Norton Reverse Dunk Award for. Did this movie need a random sports scene?

[Kyle Brandt]

What do you got?

[Bill Simmons]

This goes back to the earlier thing we were talking about is, like, do we need one or two more scenes of Donald and the kids? Like a recess? Like a game of tag or a little dodgeball? Maybe Arnold playing dodgeball. I'm just not turning the channel for three minutes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Not a chance, y'.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

All.

[Bill Simmons]

I hit you.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, come on. Come on.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Boom.

[Kyle Brandt]

And they would have beat Billy Madison to it. Who did dodgeball, like, a few handful of years later. That would be great. You could do. You could talk me to some kickball. Any sort of recess activity with Arnold grunting in a big shirt, ordering people around.

[Bill Simmons]

Like, maybe child abuse kid is the hero of the dodgeball game. Falls. Makes the catch. Falls on his disturbingly bruised back. Like.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know. There's just. I just would have liked something. All right. The CR Thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford. Hottest take award. What do you got,

[Kyle Brandt]

Bill? I. I'm. I'm team Crisp in this movie. I sympathize with Crisp. I'll tell you why I'm stunned by this.

[Bill Simmons]

I thought we'd be making fun of him way more.

[Kyle Brandt]

No, this character just wants to be with his son. You can't just take a child and run across the country. Fathers have rights. What is this alleged criminal past he has? He's not in prison. It sounds to me like Kimball is obsessed with him, is a loser. Remember, Kimball won't go and get his own son, who he's estranged from. Crisp just wants his son. So he executes some junkie who's trying to extort him for money. Not a chance. I think Crisp is actually the sympathetic figure here. And I think that Arnold is this sort of predatory teacher. And the mom is bipolar. And Crisp is like, I gotta get my kiddo out of there. Just me and, like, soon as they get to town, he buys them a toy, the mom buys medicine. They're looking out for the child. And I'm Team Crisp in this. I think it's like a Johnny Lawrence Karate Kid thing where we need to look at this way differently.

[Bill Simmons]

So it's like over the top. Stallone's the hero trying to reunite with his kid. No different here with Crisp. Yeah, this is a. This is a divorce movie. Like, over the top.

[Kyle Brandt]

Listen, Arnold, when they took Alyssa Milano from you in Commando, you took a guy's head off with a saw blade to get her back. Like, you understand? Crisp just wants his son. And I think that belongs in court, and we can settle it.

[Bill Simmons]

Arnold doesn't understand in this movie because he abandoned his child. We don't even know where that kid is.

[Kyle Brandt]

Why is he okay with that? Yeah, my son Alex, I used to read him this book. Well, why the fuck are you in a story with these kids? Go find your son, man. Like Chris would do the real hero of this movie. That's the hot take.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a great one. Really impressive.

[Kyle Brandt]

What do you got?

[Bill Simmons]

Mine is this movie spawned so many bad ripoff versions of it with famous actors trying to pull off Kindergarten Cop, it's almost better. I would sacrifice this movie and have it have never happened to save ourselves from the 40 terrible movies that came out after this.

[Kyle Brandt]

Fine.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a little like a Dr. Oppenheimer thing. Like, is it if Dr. Oppenheimer just gets wiped out, are we saved from nuclear war? Does nuclear war happen anyway? Kindergarten Cop, if we just wipe it out, or we save 40 terrible movies that you and I have both watched with our kids and have just hated ourselves as we sat there wondering what happened.

[Kyle Brandt]

See, this is why. This is why you're you. Because you'll have nuclear war and we get to avoid the movie called the Tooth Fairy. Like that. It's apples for apples. And I agree. You know what? Arnold proves to like, he is so talented and so charismatic. It's hard to talk to children. I'm talking about you. Me? If you go to a friend's house and like, they have, like a seven year old and they walk in, you'll be like, hey, buddy. And you either do that dumb kid voice where you talk really high or you. It's just. It's hard to talk to kids that you don't know very well.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

And he does it in this movie beautifully. It's not that easy.

[Bill Simmons]

Can I give a tip to the listeners just in case they don't Know how to do this? Cause I feel like I'm great with kids and dogs.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. What do you got?

[Bill Simmons]

Kids and dogs are really my wheelhouse. Sure. Just talk to them like a normal human being. Don't raise your voice. Don't treat them like they've had some sort of head injury. Just like, just try to interact with them and make eye contact with them. And guess what? They'll probably have a conversation back with you. This isn't hard, but it's one of those things you don't realize until you have kids and you watch how people talk to your kids and you're like, yeah, why is this person Talking to my 5 year old daughter like she should be wearing a helmet? Like, what's happening right now? My daughter can have a conversation with you. Like she's not an idiot. Go talk to her.

[Kyle Brandt]

Anyway, when the kid walks in, you go, hey, bud. And you're like, dial it down.

[Bill Simmons]

Heard you like the Lakers.

[Kyle Brandt]

How do you like Luca? I would give the same advice also for talking to seniors like they've seen some shit. You can just talk to them normally. They'll be fine.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, yeah. Get. Get it on with them. Just, just say anything. They're ready to go. Bring up politics.

[Kyle Brandt]

Give me your best punch.

[Bill Simmons]

Bring up politics. They're ready to roll right away.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you think about this Iran situation? They've got immigration. Yeah, they're ready. Casting what ifs. Bill Murray and Patrick Swayze were considered for the lead role before Arnold. Bill Murray? No way. I can't see him interacting with kids. No way.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's not where my interest is. Let's get to the second one.

[Bill Simmons]

Swayze could have done this. I think it would have been a really interesting movie for him. A year and a half after Roadhouse, Swayze had the unintentional comedy at least a little bit. I would still maybe lean more toward like a keanu Reeves late 90s situation if I was going to go out of the box with. Yeah, like a hardball. Like I. But I think we were in the right hands with Arnold here.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. There's this crazy part where Crisp breaks into the school and tells Mr. Kimball that he used to fuck teachers like him in prison. And it was like it didn't test well with audiences.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, they.

[Kyle Brandt]

Swayze did it. He already has that scene in Roadhouse where he's like, it is my way or the highway. You are the bounce. That's him talking to the kids. That would work. And then he rips Crisp's throat out.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, could we could we merge those two movies together. Could Kindergarten Cop have just been Daughton? Yeah, he's like the cooler. Sam Elliott shows up halfway through. So I don't understand. This is in the research and it seemed real, but Ivan Reitman did consider Danny DeVito and decided the height thing was gonna be too weird. I can't imagine why Danny DeVito would be kindergarten Cop. It's a completely different movie. I'm also not against it because he's smaller. He can relate more with the kids, but it just seems bizarre to me. I don't know.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, I just don't buy him as a police officer. Yeah, it's gotta be something else. It's funny that he's the same size as the kids. It's the opposite joke. But obviously they made the right choice.

[Bill Simmons]

Catherine o' Hara was considered for the lead female role. Love that was busy with Home Alone couldn't do it. Sandra Bullock was considered for the role of Joyce, who I think was the child abuse mom.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's young man.

[Bill Simmons]

And failed to impress Ivan Reitman didn't get it. Elijah Wood also did not get the part.

[Kyle Brandt]

3 years Elijah Wood can't get in the classroom. He's great.

[Bill Simmons]

Three years later, he's in the good sign. Christian Slater was considered for Crisp because Ivan Reitman liked him in Heather's. And Slater turned it down. Did pump up the volume.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great choice.

[Bill Simmons]

Great choice.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's fine.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Played Hard Harry. I don't know if this is true, but Audrey Hepburn was offered the role of Eleanor Chris but turned it down because she loves children. Very strange. No idea.

[Kyle Brandt]

Audrey Hepburn buying the rectal thermometer. Like, I think that's a little beneath her.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Best that guy a word. So the guy driving the armored truck in the beginning of Heat who is also an LA Confidential.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let's go.

[Bill Simmons]

The first guy Arnold punches in this movie, whatever that guy's name is, he wins again.

[Kyle Brandt]

You're referring to the legendary Thomas Rosales Jr. Who slaps a woman in the first few minutes of a PG13 movie and is in everything. And he is the driver of. We're being held up on the radio. That guy's a legend.

[Bill Simmons]

See that shit coming out of their ears, Slick.

[Kyle Brandt]

It can't fucking. But I'd be remiss not to shout out Stephen Park, AKA the legend. Mike Yanagita is in Kindergarten Cop. And if you don't know this, he's in one scene, he's looking over the dead body of the OD'd girlfriend and it's totally Straight. And there's no Yanagita at all. But I was out of the couch, off the couch, on the couch, Tom Cruise style. When Yannaguita showed up, I rewound him.

[Bill Simmons]

That was Gus Johnson doing Yanagida. Might have been your highlight on Rewatch Wilson. 30 episodes. Dion Waiters Award. Probably one of the kids. I. I think I might be partial to the girl who just seemed like she was in a different movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

The one with the overalls that she can't get off and has to go to the bathroom.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And then later she's kind of like battling Arnold and there's just something really funny about. I don't feel like any of that stuff was scripted. I think they. They probably brought her in and were like, wow, this girl's a wild card. Just keep the cameras rolling, she'll do something weird.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's that girl who is excellent. Or it's. It's penis vagina, which he says.

[Bill Simmons]

Penis vagina.

[Kyle Brandt]

The kid who plays penis vagina kid was the year prior in Pet Cemetery as Gage, like the devil baby from the cemetery. And he was like 3 years old. Like slashing Achilles. That kid worked. I think he still works.

[Bill Simmons]

The kid who played Dominic was actually two twins, the cousin twins. And I think this was the highlight for them. Recasting couch Director City. I have a lot of thoughts here. Well, I have three. Do you have one before I do that?

[Kyle Brandt]

I do.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. Sitting right there. James Cameron. What are we doing? Let's do this thing. Let's get Jamie Lee as the other teacher. It's already Arnold protecting a kid as he's going to do a couple years later. Let's up the production value and the violence. Although James Cameron would probably see it be like, yeah, but what if the students were like really tall and blue and had tails and some dumb shit like that? But at the time, Cameron was in his prime and I would have liked to see him more with Arnold. What do you got?

[Bill Simmons]

Arnold's one of the three biggest stars in the world at this point.

[Kyle Brandt]

Definitely.

[Bill Simmons]

Ivan Reitman, I think, is one of the four most proven directors at this point for big budget movies that you know you're gonna make the money back. I don't know why the cast isn't like, bigger and more ambitious. I'd like to offer you Julia Roberts as the teacher on the run. Why not?

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I'd like to offer you Nick Cage in the crisp part. Nice point of his career.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's fantastic.

[Bill Simmons]

I'd like to offer you Faye dunaway or Shirley MacLaine as the mom. Let's go. Oscar winners. Ellen Burstyn, come on down. Let's get somebody who's actually, like, betting the Oscar conversation. But this is the big, egregious one. If I could change anything, it would be this Kathleen Turner. Can't you come in for two scenes

[Kyle Brandt]

to play the Moriarty?

[Bill Simmons]

The Kathy Moriarty part. Just come in and can you throw 99 for two scenes? Just hit the corners. Just do your thing.

[Kyle Brandt]

What about Kimball's partner? Could you do Meg Ryan there?

[Bill Simmons]

Or.

[Kyle Brandt]

She needs to be the female lead.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't think it can be somebody you feel like Arnold is going to try to fuck during the movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So you really like right on the line. You have to be. She has to kind of feel like she might blow him if you put two glasses of wine in her. Has that kind of vibe. But he's gonna stay away. Cause there's. She's flirty with him a couple times.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

She kisses him on the lips at the end of the movie. Yeah. It's kind. What is that?

[Bill Simmons]

Little sweet on him?

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So normally Craig has a flex category here, but he's not with us. So I'm gonna do a special category in his honor. The Rick Cichetti Guard Meet Award for most memorable death by a security guard or other bystander who the movie treats as inconsequential but who probably had a spouse and kids who love him. Poor guy. Goes to the local toy store to get a race car set for a kid. Ms. Christmas. Didn't really understand that part. I was late on Christmas. I got to make it up to him, whatever was going on. I don't know how you're late on Christmas. We don't.

[Kyle Brandt]

Did you stay late on Christmas?

[Bill Simmons]

You said I missed Christmas. It was something about making up for Christmas. Yeah. Buys this race car set, won't get bribed for it, really committed to it, and then I guess just gets murdered on this. On this side of the road.

[Kyle Brandt]

Like, he gets knocked out. He gets slammed into the door like he's out. Out cold right there on the sidewalk.

[Bill Simmons]

Maybe worse. Like he might be. I don't know. I've watched a lot of the Pit the last couple weeks. He might be on tube.

[Kyle Brandt]

Sure.

[Bill Simmons]

Like he might be. Like the family's trying to decide whether to take him off the ventilator or not. All he's trying to do is just buy a race car set for his kid. So I think he wins that.

[Kyle Brandt]

And the guy who's refusing to sell it is polite. Like he's not an asshole to him and he's honestly like trying to make maybe he didn't have much money around Christmas time and now he's scraped it together and his kids always want this. And our boy Chris just knees to the balls, head to the door.

[Bill Simmons]

Really tough half ass Internet research. They actually filmed all this at Astoria at the John Jacob Astor elementary School. Sure. Great tidbit here. Arnold insisted on a private studio for daily workouts. They basically built him a gym. I always love hearing this. Days of Thunder I think was the best one. When Simpson and Bruckheimer built like the three story. They basically built an Equinox. They spent like $2 billion. Yeah. Steven Root is in five scenes that are cut out of the movie for some reason, I guess for time.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, he's awesome.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. I don't know. I know nothing other than that anecdote.

[Kyle Brandt]

My stapler.

[Bill Simmons]

April Fool's 2012 is a prank. The Criterion Collection said they were releasing this as a Blu Ray disc and everybody's like, what's going on? And now it is on 4K Blu Ray. And Sean Fantasy probably owns it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Definitely.

[Bill Simmons]

You mentioned the Goonies earlier. Somewhere around 1.6 miles away from the school. The house.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh cool.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Goondocks. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And then I like this. Ivan Reitman invented the five Reitman rules of filmmaking for the kids. Let's do this.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. No, no, no.

[Bill Simmons]

Here are the five rules. Listen, act natural, know your character, don't look in the camera and be disciplined. I think don't look in the camera is probably the big one. I'm sure half of these kids probably just look.

[Kyle Brandt]

Everyone wants to look in the camera, even adults.

[Bill Simmons]

Apex Mountain Arnold. Yes, we said that.

[Kyle Brandt]

Got it. That's it.

[Bill Simmons]

Richard Tyson. I still think it's two Moon Junction. Felt like he was going to be a big star after that. Penelope Miller. I don't know.

[Kyle Brandt]

Let me tell you something about that. Let's give her a credit. She has a very cool factoid about her that she in a, in a very small period of time was in movies with Al Pacino, Robert De Niro and Marlon Brando. Like all three Godfathers. That's pretty badass. And she holds her own. And Arnold Schwarzenegger, of course.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. So she. I forgot to do her little run.

[Kyle Brandt]

She's perfectly lovely. Very good actress. Still in the game. She does her thing in this movie.

[Bill Simmons]

Her IMDb the known for a fun game to see what IMDb decides. The four Carlito's Way, Kindergarten Cop, the Artist and the Freshman with Brando. Those are the four they went for. Apex Mountain, Hybrid. Action kids movies, I think. Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. Because we get so many kids sports movies like Mighty Ducks and stuff like that, but not with shooting and killing and shotgunning people. That's pretty rare.

[Bill Simmons]

This is it. Ivan Reitman. Probably Ghostbusters. Have to be Astoria. Yes. Undercover cop movies. No Tumors, I think. Yes. Tuma.

[Kyle Brandt]

I mean, yeah, in a fun way.

[Bill Simmons]

Tumors. In a fun way. Yes.

[Kyle Brandt]

Fun tumors. Honestly, if someone told you they sat you down and they're like, God, I have some really bad news. Like, they discovered a tumor. There's a sick voice in your head that would say, it's not a tumor. That's how it's programmed at this point.

[Bill Simmons]

Not a tumor.

[Kyle Brandt]

Sorry. Those are the rules.

[Bill Simmons]

And then I'm going to add this. I didn't have this in my initial notes, but you nailed it. Brookstone.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Because Brookstone has When Harry Met Sally the year before with Suri, with Fringe on Top and Fort Amara.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yes.

[Bill Simmons]

But it has a whole. I think that's Brookstone. Is it Sharper Image or Brookstone in that?

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't know. Those feel like the same stores to me. And then they basically work.

[Bill Simmons]

Julia Litman's gonna crash into the taping right now and be like, it's fucking Sharper Image, you dumbass. But, yeah, Brookstone. It's right around here. And we all. I was in college back then. You would walk into the Brookstone. You weren't buying anything.

[Kyle Brandt]

Never.

[Bill Simmons]

You couldn't walk around 45 minutes. Everything was like $180 or $60 or $90. The person would always come over and say, can you help you? No, you can't. And then you'd be like, holding a jelly hand. Crunch. To make your grip better.

[Kyle Brandt]

Like, you know what? You could do the grip, and they would have those things where if you pull one marble to the right, it sets off the back and forth chain reaction of the marble.

[Bill Simmons]

Try some headphones on. Whoa, these headphones are great.

[Kyle Brandt]

Like, there was the thing of nails where if you put your hand in the nail tray, it would make the shape of your hand. It's like for douchebags to have in their office, like, who think that they're 1990s. Don Draper. That's the specialty there.

[Bill Simmons]

The chairs were really the key. Sit in the chair for five minutes without getting yelled at. It was a big win cruiser. Hanks. This is clearly cruise. There's no question you think it's Hanks.

[Kyle Brandt]

No, no, no, no. I. I can see Hanks with the kids. I want it to be cruise for 50 different reasons. Why do you home run for Cruise?

[Bill Simmons]

Because Cruise never did a movie like this. And honestly, other than Jerry Maguire, I don't remember him interacting with kids in any movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

I feel like he's in the full Jerry Maguire desperation mode. He's at the end of his rope and it's like teaching you kids is an up and dawn pride swallowing siege. It's that Cruise plus, then we get to pretend. We get to see him try to connect with Penelope romantically. And that's always good sport.

[Bill Simmons]

No, you left out first day of kindergarten. Cruise. Him losing his mind

[Kyle Brandt]

when he sits on the piano. Shut up. Shut up.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Although I want Cruises Crisp too. Like I'm still here for that. In Frank T.J. mackie mode. I could do that as well.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, I like that. Scorsese or Spielberg? Clearly Spielberg. Those were too easy.

[Kyle Brandt]

The Scorsese would just. There'd be just so many drugs and I'm not talking about unchris. I'm talking like Kimball would be strung out because his parents aren't or his family's not around and he wants to get revenge. Lot of drugs. Probably pretty good.

[Bill Simmons]

What's your favorite? Picking it from this movie.

[Kyle Brandt]

I have the fact that here's. Here's a Crisp and Kimball should fight at the end instead of the gunshots and instead of the bloody killing. Have a fight. You know, the ferret comes out and maybe Dominic gets away and then Crisp is like. So I've always wanted to do this. Kimball, let's go. You and me. And they have a big brawl in the shower room. Why don't. That's like standard operating procedure for these

[Bill Simmons]

movies before anyone else gets there. Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

Do they think they should fight?

[Bill Simmons]

You think Reitman thought maybe it just wouldn't be realistic for Arnold to lose or be in danger in a shower fight.

[Kyle Brandt]

Well, you do what you. There's the classic hack for that. You let Arnold take a bullet first. So he's weakened.

[Bill Simmons]

Great point. Yeah. So it's a tough one because I'm trying to think like I was talking about Chuck Norris movies. Chuck Norris died a couple weeks ago. Never. Never got his. Just doing rewatchables.

[Kyle Brandt]

I know.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know what the right movie. He doesn't. The most rewatchable movie for me that he made was Silent Rage. But I think I love Silent Rage. Oh, you like Silent Rage? It's not a big list. People that like it.

[Kyle Brandt]

You know who turned me onto Silent Rage? I'm not Making this up. Aaron Rodgers interviewed him years ago, and he made a joke about Silent Rage. Was like, that's a cool reference. And I didn't know it very well. Went and watched it. Hilarious movie. Great villain. And I became a fan since then. That was like, five or six years ago. He loves it. But Delta Force is probably the one, right?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, Chuck. So I think I had. My favorites are Missing in Action two, Code of Silence, the Chicago movie he made, which is like, a really good Chicago movie. And every Chicago actor's in it. Like, all of them. Every 80s Chicago actor. I don't know if you've seen it.

[Kyle Brandt]

I haven't. I don't know that movie.

[Bill Simmons]

You're a Chicago guy.

[Kyle Brandt]

I know.

[Bill Simmons]

Queue that one up. I demand that you watch that. It's a Pluto Tubie special.

[Kyle Brandt]

Lone Wolf.

[Bill Simmons]

Lone Wolf, quaid, Mission Action 2 and Silent Range. And in three of those movies, Chuck was. At least Chuck couldn't act. God bless Chuck. I enjoyed Chuck. I've seen all his movies. He couldn't act.

[Kyle Brandt]

Not an actor.

[Bill Simmons]

But he knew there had to be a showdown scene at the end. And Missing in Action two, which is not really not a good movie. But it's better than Mission Action 1. It all leads to this evil, sadistic Vietnam guy who's just torturing all the POWs. He's just the worst. You just want Chuck to kick his ass all movie. And then finally they end up in this cabin, like, on stilts. It's like the second floor. They climb up and they're in there, and it's just like, all right, it's fucking Hagler. Hearn's time. Let's go.

[Kyle Brandt]

Here we go. Ring the bell.

[Bill Simmons]

And they fight in this thing. And it's incredible.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So you're saying Schwarzenegger versus Crisp. Let's go Chuck Norris style. Let's really, like, go three, four minutes here. They probably didn't want to do that in a kid's movie would be my guess. Well.

[Kyle Brandt]

And the alternative was the bloody shootout. I just. I always liked the main event. We've sat here for two hours now. Let's see these guys fight. There's potential of them crashing into the shower and the pipe breaks and there's water. It could have been really cinematic. I like it.

[Bill Simmons]

I had a couple of nits. Including. To pick. Including. Why did we have to do this undercover sting operation in Astoria? Like, why not just have the FBI tail Crisp? I assume John Kimball's reasonably valuable as a police officer. He's got the cool beard and sunglasses he's foiling drug operations. And they're like, we think he might end up going to Astoria. We need two cops to go undercover. Don't really tell anyone what we're up to. And this is. That's the plot of the movie, I guess. I still don't understand it. I don't know why they had to go.

[Kyle Brandt]

Why don't. Also, if you did have to go, maybe just take 48 hours and let Phoebe clear up the stomach flu. And then she goes in as the teacher you have. Crisp is incarcerated. There's not that much of a rush.

[Bill Simmons]

Right? True.

[Kyle Brandt]

She gets this like, oh, my stomach. And so he goes in. Just take it easy. Take some Metamucil. And then go teach the school.

[Bill Simmons]

Wait till Wednesday. Well, I had her, too. What kind of food poisoning did she like? Was this the first Covid case? This was. Could have been 30 years before COVID

[Kyle Brandt]

It was Covid 4.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. A prototype of the original Covid. She's out for a week and a half. This was like fantasy and Sundance in 2020. I don't understand why they get two hotel rooms. I don't understand what happened to Arnold's old family.

[Kyle Brandt]

So strange. They try to give him something to work with. This, like, this subtext about why he's hurting and why he's gravitating towards Dominic. And he's like, yeah, they just moved on. I never see him. Why don't you join custody of him? What are you doing? I think the real answer is that should be that Crisp did something to mess up Arnold's family, and that's why he's obsessed with Crisp like they do in Face off, but they didn't.

[Bill Simmons]

That makes way too much sense. Or my wife thought she was getting a work visa and couldn't get one. Then she took the kids back to Austria. Like, at least come up with some reason that's not. Like, yeah, I have a kid. I don't know where.

[Kyle Brandt]

No idea. Don't talk to him.

[Bill Simmons]

How about a long distance call? Could we do that for, like, a minute?

[Kyle Brandt]

It's kind of makes Kimball look like kind of a piece of shit. Like, why are you so apathetic about your son? Why are you so obsessed with Dominic? You have your own kid. What is this?

[Bill Simmons]

Here's my big one. Yeah, it's my nitpick. It's also the Vincent Chase Award for. I was sure the character was actually good at their job.

[Kyle Brandt]

Great.

[Bill Simmons]

The ending. Arnold Fire drill loses Dominic immediately. You have one job. Just keep Dominic near you. One job. Just Grab him by the back. He's walking with you. Where you go, he goes. Loses him in 10 seconds. Doesn't shoot the bad guy. Blows that one. Gets shot by two different characters. Get shot by the entire Crisp family, and then has to be saved by his partner who miraculously wakes up just an abomination of a job.

[Kyle Brandt]

Terrible. His partner with a baseball bat who's not even armed when. When that fire alarm went off. Dude, just grab Dominic. The other kids from this mission could die in the fire. Get Dominic out of here. And Dominic. Dominic. It just grabs him like nothing.

[Bill Simmons]

They know the guy's out, that. That the witness is dead. Like they're. They're waiting for something. All right. Sequel. Prequel. Prestige tv. All Black cast or Untouchable? I can't say. I wouldn't watch the first episode of a Prestige remake.

[Kyle Brandt]

A remake?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. I'd probably test drive it.

[Kyle Brandt]

You go Alan Ritchson, who's Reacher, as John Kimball in the Schwarzenegger role. And then as Crisp, you have some badass actor. Paul Mezcal or Barry Keoghan or one of those sweet actors. It could work.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm going to zag on you.

[Kyle Brandt]

What are you going.

[Bill Simmons]

Can I offer you a little Travis Kelce?

[Kyle Brandt]

Good. We need some more of this. The Kelsey's. We got to get that name out there. Maybe Jason can play Crisp. Travis, they're trying to kill each other.

[Bill Simmons]

I said they have an athlete. Like, could I offer you Marshawn Lynch?

[Kyle Brandt]

You're always selling Marshawn. I'm good with Marshawn. He lives on planet Marshawn. We tried to sell Marshawn for the Fireball role in Running Man.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm good. Okay, let's try to think of some athlete. Aaron Rodgers as Crisp.

[Kyle Brandt]

No, he hasn't decided he's playing for the Steelers yet. We don't know what his future is.

[Bill Simmons]

Is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins, Fergie, the Florist, Ryan Ruko, Gus Johnson, Zane Lowe, or somebody else?

[Kyle Brandt]

I don't know if you saw this, but at the very end, when they're having the face off, there's a quick shot in the locker room, and there's an announcer's table, and it says, and Gus is there, and he's got it announced, and he's got his microphone, and he just lets it rip. And it sounds like this Dominic Crisp, young fella.

[Bill Simmons]

Ha ha.

[Kyle Brandt]

His old man's got a gun to his head in the shower room. Ferret comes out of the sweater

[Bill Simmons]

and

[Kyle Brandt]

Mr. Kimball blows away Crystal. I love you, Gus. I love you, brother.

[Bill Simmons]

That always kills you. Every time you do that, it kills your throat every time. You've been the same for, like, six months off my life, like, two weeks. Great to have Gus back. Just one Oscar. Who gets it? I don't know the score.

[Kyle Brandt]

I think the hair and makeup people who do Kimball's beard and Chris ponytail.

[Bill Simmons]

That's great.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's the people.

[Bill Simmons]

Probably unanswerable questions.

[Kyle Brandt]

I got a great one.

[Bill Simmons]

Let's hear it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Okay, this is. You're gonna love this. So Moriarty comes in and she's talking about her son, who she is worried is playing with dolls.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

The child's name, Bill, is Sylvester. This is in the middle of the Stallone Schwarzenegger feud when they're going at each other and taking shots.

[Bill Simmons]

Wow.

[Kyle Brandt]

Do you not think that Arnold, somewhere in a trailer, is, like, the one who plays with dolls? Let's call him Sylvester. Is that not a veiled shot? He's a girly man, Syl. The. I don't think that's a coincidence.

[Bill Simmons]

That's amazing. I mean, come on.

[Kyle Brandt]

Sylvester. That's not a normal name.

[Bill Simmons]

I think you're right. I want to know, Dominic. Whether that was aimed at anybody, too. That's a weird name.

[Kyle Brandt]

Sly. It's the boy's son. His name's Sly. That's too much, Arnold. Let's stick with Sylvester.

[Bill Simmons]

I have. Was Pamela Reed. The poor man's Lori Metcalf or vice versa.

[Kyle Brandt]

Both are great.

[Bill Simmons]

You could have switched them in every role in the 90s. And I think Laurie Metcalf Easley just could have been the partner in this.

[Kyle Brandt]

She's excellent.

[Bill Simmons]

I think Laurie Metcalf's in Internal affairs the same year that Pamela Reid's in this movie. You could just switch them.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, both just like, cool. Good hangs you can have a beer with. Sexy in their own way. Good actors. I like that.

[Bill Simmons]

They can play cops and get shot.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yes.

[Bill Simmons]

The old kindergarten teacher, who John Kimball takes her job.

[Kyle Brandt]

Talk about it. What happened to her? She had tenure. Where'd she go?

[Bill Simmons]

Gone for four weeks. They just tell her to take a hike. Comes back, everything's fine. We fixed the school library. Maybe everybody donates some books. She finally has her job back. She finally has the kids. She's not as cool as John Kimball. She doesn't have a ferret. She didn't foil a crime. Probably trying to work her way back. You know, a little Ray Hanley and the giant style. How do you follow legend? Of course, just as it's getting good, here comes John Kimball shows up again with a cane. Kids go nuts. That's it. She's just working at the hardware store. The next day, it's done teaching. No more teaching for you.

[Kyle Brandt]

And dunks Honor with Arnold repurposing his own line by saying, I'm back. And everyone goes crazy.

[Bill Simmons]

Fuck you, lady.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah. The teacher's like, I'm trying to teach them simple two plus three math. Get out of here, Kimball. You're not even a real teacher. That is strange.

[Bill Simmons]

Just some lady who lived in Astoria, probably put three kids through the school system, kept her kindergarten job. She'd been there 28 years. Arnold just overnight takes it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Beloved teacher. Her life goal to educate young people. And Arnold, with his lats and traps, comes in. They like him better because he has a stupid ferret.

[Bill Simmons]

Last one for me. Is this a better movie? If Arnold dies, he gets shot by the lady. He's just. He's just dead. He doesn't make it.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And we have like an emo. We almost go. It's like hardball. When. When G baby dies. It's just. It's a fucking swerve. We don't know. Oh, my God. G baby's dead. They just killed John Kimball. It's. It's a wrap. He's done.

[Kyle Brandt]

So play this out. Do we. Do we get. We get a funeral scene in the children.

[Bill Simmons]

We get the most emotional funeral scene. Just tears everywhere. This movie. This is now like the saddest movie of the 1990s. John Kimball, his legacy lives on. We're going to name the John Kimball library after him. The Burned Books. There's a statue. It's a collage of burn books in John Kimball's honor. The bathroom. There's some sort of statue of him. Like. Yeah, is it a bathroom?

[Kyle Brandt]

Dominic takes care of the ferret. Don't worry about it.

[Bill Simmons]

We'll do that.

[Kyle Brandt]

There's a scene like in the end when Tony Stark dies and all the Avengers show up in their suits and it's very somber. And then they just roll credits and that's it. I don't know how that would test, especially with the sobbing kids at the funeral. Yeah, but I like where you're going. It's a huge zag.

[Bill Simmons]

And it's. We get the boys to men at the end of the road. Yeah, we get the end of the road. It's right around the same time.

[Kyle Brandt]

Just Chris lives too. And he gets away with Dominic. Like, that's. Let's do that. And he raises him with his mother.

[Bill Simmons]

Kimball's dead. Pamela Reid Stays to. To take over the class and her fiance becomes like the Astoria lead chef. And they kind of carry his legacy. I don't know.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah, Dominic's mom hangs herself like that. We could do that. That might work.

[Bill Simmons]

Secret handshake, club memorabilia for the thing you would want from this movie. For me, it's something Astoria elementary hat, T shirt, something from that. That's cool. But I couldn't really think of one. What'd you have?

[Kyle Brandt]

I just want a full head to toe outfit of crisp. And I want to go to a Halloween party. And imagine the one person who would get, are you fucking crisp? And I'd be like, yeah, man, I'm crisp. Look at the ponytail. They would be like, that is. Can I take a picture with you? That is the coolest thing. You're crisp. Yeah, I'm crisp. Anybody can take a picture. I'm crisp. That's what I want. The outfit.

[Bill Simmons]

So you'd need like the big David Byrne suit.

[Kyle Brandt]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Ponytail, wig and a bad tan and you're ready to roll.

[Kyle Brandt]

It looks like the night at the Roxbury guys if they had like Paul Revere's ponytail. That's my look.

[Bill Simmons]

Best double feature choice. I have Total recall. Let's just. Let's just show. Peak of the Powers, 1990. Arnold, what do you got?

[Kyle Brandt]

Your answer is better. I had Home Alone. They were running the world. It was all about kids. Then it's Arnold. It's everybody but Total Recall. This is the same actor screaming about the give these people air.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Kyle Brandt]

And then he's dating in the same year. That's a great choice.

[Bill Simmons]

He also makes the same face in each movie when it is the eye bulging.

[Kyle Brandt]

Ah, come on.

[Bill Simmons]

Come on.

[Kyle Brandt]

You think this is the real quid?

[Bill Simmons]

It is.

[Kyle Brandt]

That's great.

[Bill Simmons]

Coach Finstock, Mr. Miyagi Award for best worst life lesson. Kindergarten teachers still matter.

[Kyle Brandt]

Look at you. Look at old Simbo getting soft. Yeah, that's thoughtful.

[Bill Simmons]

They still matter. They can make a huge difference in lives.

[Kyle Brandt]

They do. I had. You're married. You're allowed to dress like slobs. I like that the moms say that because it's definitely true. And the athleisure revolution has enabled all of us married people to just dress like pigs half the time.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And that's probably one of the only benefits from COVID It's like, you know what?

[Kyle Brandt]

Pretty awesome.

[Bill Simmons]

These pants feel great. I'm not gonna apologize.

[Kyle Brandt]

I go out in public like $200 Lululemons. Awesome. I'll just wear them all day.

[Bill Simmons]

Who won the Movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[Kyle Brandt]

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Twice in one year, dude.

[Bill Simmons]

Craig's not here. But we are splicing a special.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, I can't wait.

[Bill Simmons]

Of the pot. He's just going to pop in with a little 90 second. Here's my review of Kindergarten Cop. Throwing it to him right now.

[Craig]

Okay. Kindergarten Cop, I watched with my wife Liz. I would say easy watch. Liz and I shared a lot of eye rolls with one another after Arnold's cheesy lines. But by the end of the movie you're kind of sold on the whole thing and you kind of come away feeling good. I. Arnold, man is just, he's. It's like watching Arnold in this is like watching like Bill Lambert in the 90s or Roy Hibbert in the early 2010s where it's just like perfect for the era. No chance this works now at all. 90s movies just have a charming obliviousness to them and that's why they work and that's why Arnold works in this. I don't. You could. I don't. I guess it's the rock today or something like that or like Ryan Reynolds. But there is, there is an aspect of this where Arnold is earnestly trying and I don't know when his career pivoted from people realizing that it's just funny to watch him say funny lines. And maybe it was this one. But I. That that obliviousness of the 90s is why those movies are so great and we're too self aware now for I think that to work again. I appreciate that they spent all the money on casting Arnold and didn't have much else. Which brings me to Richard Tyson, who my first question was, who the hell is this man and what. What is going on? What's going on here? An unexplored relationship with his mother in this film that we could probably dig into a little bit more. I think, I think he's eligible to replace Judd Nelson for the actor that's just doing his own in his own movie award. I, I will have to give it to the hair and makeup department though because the greasy ponytail was just an absolute perfect choice. They knocked that out of the park. His look. I have no notes. 10 out of 10 on the look, so great job by everybody there. My favorite line from this movie is probably when Arnold meets Pam Reed and they get partnered together and there's just one line of exposition where she goes, so where are you from? And he goes, austria. And there's just no follow up and they keep moving after that. So I really. I really enjoyed that. I still don't really understand why Richard Tyson needed his son so badly and was willing to, like, blow up a school for it. But that's not what this movie's about. It's about watching Arnold, say Toomer with a bunch of kindergarteners. And in that respect, it succeeds. So I'm sure you guys are gonna make fun of me coming back here, and you're gonna pretend that I said something insane. But, sure, I'm in.

[Bill Simmons]

Thanks, Craig. That was great.

[Kyle Brandt]

Craig on fire.

[Bill Simmons]

Can't believe you hated the movie that much.

[Kyle Brandt]

Can you believe he mentioned the runtime? I mean, incredible stuff. Great job, Craig.

[Bill Simmons]

Unbelievable. All right, Kindergarten Cop. So fun. I don't know what's next for us. We're a little light on Van Damme. I feel like we addressed Arnold. Yeah, there's a Seagal movie we haven't done yet that you don't like.

[Kyle Brandt]

We also, there's one that we haven't done that we both like, though, and it stars Wesley Snipes and Sandra Bullock. That's not been done. So there's some meat on that bone. The Van Damme thing's gonna be tough. We'd have to go into, like, Lionheart and kickboxer territory. That might be tough, but I'm open for business anytime you are, dude.

[Bill Simmons]

The Seagal, the On Deadly Ground. I've been circling a little bit.

[Kyle Brandt]

I know. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know. From a comedy standpoint,

[Kyle Brandt]

I'm looking at that, and I'm looking at Marked for Death when he fights the Jamaican Voodoo gangs. And Screwface, that's in there for us as well. There's a lot of apples to be picked on the tree before we get to Screwface.

[Bill Simmons]

There's also, like, some mid-90s Nick Cage that we could run back. Yeah, there's Point Break, which we did the first year of this show.

[Kyle Brandt]

I've been pushing for Repoint.

[Bill Simmons]

Repoint is sitting there.

[Kyle Brandt]

It's an unrecognizable podcast compared to what it is now. It's just very, very old.

[Bill Simmons]

A lot of football stuff. Everything else. All right, Kyle. Brandt, any plugs you want to do before we head out of here?

[Kyle Brandt]

No, not yet. Just listen to Rewatchable's podcast. Watch Good morning Football. And I get it all the time, Bill. People come up to me.

[Bill Simmons]

Bill.

[Kyle Brandt]

Kyle. Kyle. What's up, man?

[Bill Simmons]

Hey.

[Kyle Brandt]

How you doing? Love you Unrewatchables. I love. No, you don't. You love Cobra. That's why you love me Unrewatchables. That's what you love. It's so fun, man. Always.

[Bill Simmons]

All right. Thank you. Great to see you. Thanks to Eduardo and Gahao as well. We will see you next week. Ironically, you're gonna miss it. I think Ghostbusters is happening next week.

[Kyle Brandt]

Oh, it's great. I'll be there listening. I can't wait.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I think it's time. We're due. We're headed toward Netflix as a joke month, and we wanted to bang out, like some sort of fun. I think. I'm not positive, but I think it's happening.

[Kyle Brandt]

Okay. You got the lineup ready like, you got.

[Bill Simmons]

You got the dream team going to be studying it, watching it? Yeah. I think we have the right cast of people.

[Kyle Brandt]

I can't wait. But anyway, I'll be there, as I always am.

[Bill Simmons]

Kyle. Brandt, Great to see you.

[Kyle Brandt]

You.