The Listener Take Purge

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ringer Fantasy Football Show

Episode: The Listener Take Purge (May 11, 2026)

Hosts: Danny Heifetz, Danny Kelly, Craig Horlbeck
Theme:
A twice-yearly tradition is taken over by the listeners: it’s the Take Purge—an episode overflowing with ambitious, unfiltered, and hot (or just plain odd) sports and culture takes, mostly from the Ringer Fantasy Football Show Discord.

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Episode Overview

This episode is a celebration of unfiltered opinions and bold predictions, as the hosts dedicate the entire show to “purging” listener-submitted takes. From NFL debates and player futures to nonsensical rule changes and spicy pop culture opinions, no subject is off limits. The hosts riff, joke, and occasionally debate with the high-energy chemistry that’s made them a Best Sports Podcast nominee.

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Key Discussion Points & Timestamps

1. What is a Take Purge?

[02:08–04:29]

• Definition: A take purge is a guilt-free confession—a “confessional booth” for thoughts or predictions you may not even believe, but need to expel.
  • “You maybe don’t even think it’s true. But you need to get it off your chest.” – Craig
  • “No consequences. Professionally or legally.” – Craig
• They liken it to “The Purge,” but for sports takes (and shout out Chris Simms as the take-purger-in-chief).
• The Discord’s “Take Purge” channel is the source of most submissions this year.
• Chemistry note: The banter is fast and playful, filled with inside jokes about Discord usernames and Heifetz’s “Gentleman’s Piss Club” shirt.

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2. Listener Football Take Purges

a. Patrick Mahomes’ Athleticism Post-ACL

[05:16–09:08]

• Stampire’s take: Mahomes relies on his legs more than people admit, and his ACL injury could meaningfully affect his career.
  • Danny Kelly’s “science”: He watched Mahomes’ 29 best plays and claims Mahomes scrambles on 25 of them.
  • “I almost forgot how much of Mahomes’s coolness is, he’s breaking all the rules nobody else is allowed to do.” – Danny Kelly [06:41]
  • The hosts debate whether Mahomes is unique enough to recover seamlessly, noting his hidden “core strength.”
  • “He keeps a nice layer of fat to protect all the…” – Heifetz [09:02]

b. Running Backs Should Be Paid More

[09:13–12:24]

• Jackson’s take: “You should pay running backs. They touch the football a lot.”
• The hosts bemoan the devaluation of RBs, listing shocking salary comparisons (e.g., Rashad Bateman and Wandale Robinson make more than Derrick Henry and most RBs).
• They note the position’s “fame-to-pay” gap and question the logic with several salary stats.

c. The Jaden Daniels & 2024 Draft Class Anxieties

[12:25–18:28]

• Swish: We’ve already seen the best of Jaden Daniels.
• Bear Fright Princess: The Malik Nabers and Brian Thomas breakout of 2024 is the best they’ll ever be.
  • “Malik Nabers is just Odell, but sped up.” – DK
  • Discussion about how injuries and unstable connections (Jackson Dart, for Nabers) could limit the 2024 class’s future.

d. C.J. Stroud’s “Overrated” Rookie Breakout

[14:49–15:45]

• Danny Kelly: Stroud’s “interception-less” streak was more luck than greatness.
  • “…man, did they drop a lot of his f---ing interceptions.”
• Noted that Stroud’s sophomore play was similar, but rookie hype skewed perception.

e. Rule Change Brainstorms

[29:08–30:59]

• From Matt: For penalties (e.g., false start at your own 1), instead of “half the distance,” move the line to gain up by the penalty yardage.
  • Hosts agree it is “too logical not to implement.”

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3. NFL & Sports Take Purges | Memorable Moments

a. The Eagles Should Raise AJ Brown’s Price to Punish the Patriots

[20:16–21:08]

• The panel riffs on the idea of strategic ransom pricing in trades and Howie Roseman’s “leverage.”

b. Ban QB Sneaks (Not Just the Tush Push)

[21:12–23:08]

• Turtle submits: Ban sneaks from under center, not just the “tush push.”
  • “I think any play that results in a pile of 12 guys…is a bad play.” – Heifetz [21:49]
• The hosts fantasize about QBs “audibling” to sneaks for easy yards.

c. Should Kicking Be Banned?

[23:16–24:51]

• Danny Kelly admits he’d ban kicking (field goals, punting) if he could.
• Comedic riff on Hail Mary stats (Craig mistakenly guesses 10% completion; Heifetz: “110 Hail Marys are not caught.” [24:46])

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4. Sports Culture & “Rizz”

[35:52–50:07]

• Baseball vs. tennis vs. other athlete “dating leagues” – why are tennis players always dating models, and why not MLB stars?
• Riff on celebrity relationships, including Livvy Dunne (Paul Skenes) and Taylor Fritz (Morgan Riddle).
• The day-to-day grind of being a golfer, tennis player, or swimmer.
  • “If being bad at golf meant you sucked at your job…” – DK [49:09]
• Why Olympic sports are tough, and a tangent into swimming biomechanics and Katie Ledecky’s records.

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5. Wild Rule/Format/Purge Ideas

a. The “Baseball-Style” QB Rotation

[33:52–35:20]

• GuyMan’s take: Teams with bad QBs (Browns, Jets, Falcons) should run a starter/change-of-pace/closer setup, like baseball.
  • Hosts delight in the idea—Tua as a starter, Penix as a closer; the “opener” in baseball vs. football.

b. The A’s as a Traveling Sideshow

[53:00–56:40]

• Instead of moving the Athletics to Las Vegas, a listener suggests randomly relocating them to a new city annually.
  • Laughs about making them MLB’s Savannah Bananas or Globetrotters.
  • Recap of Savannah Bananas’ circus-like rules: “If a fan catches a foul ball with two outs, batter’s out!” [54:49]

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6. Non-Sports, Intrusive Thought Purges

a. Billy Joel is a “Talentless, Rhymey Sea Shanty Singer”

[61:00–62:54]

• “Starstruck by London”: Billy Joel isn’t star-worthy.
  • “I think Billy Joel f---ed this guy’s wife.” – Heifetz [61:19]
  • Playful defense of Billy Joel: Vienna, We Didn’t Start the Fire, and Billy’s NY credentials.
  • Hilarious tangent on misidentifying Billy Joel as Canadian (he’s not). [61:39]

b. “Generic Jar Salsa > Mexican Restaurant Salsa”

[64:22–65:21]

• Tom G’s take. Disagreement all around, except some love for Paul Newman’s salsa.
• Emphasis on how a fresh restaurant salsa is “one of earth’s finest pleasures.”

c. “All Cars Should Be the Same”

[66:16–68:09]

• Partner’s take: Absurd but funny—should everyone just have a Soviet sedan?
  • “Aerodynamics ruined car design.” – From producer Austin [67:36]
  • Riff on the “millennial gray” aesthetic ruining colored cars.

d. “Bagels Are Overrated”

[80:13–84:27]

• Jesse’s take: Bagels are fine, but overhyped—especially in New York. He’d rather have toast.
  • “I have never seen a table of full grown men go into a complete psychosis faster than when I spat out…the sentence that bagels are overrated.” – Jesse [80:23]
  • The hosts discuss regional food bias, “New York water,” and the ubiquity vs. quality of bagels and pizza.

e. The Internet Has Ruined Everything

[57:33–59:27]

• DK: In the age of viral clips, Cirque du Soleil-level athleticism is now scrolled past in seconds: “We’re so numb to everything…” [57:33]

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7. Animal Fight Club & Mascot Oddities

[71:00–79:58]

• Which safari animal could Craig defeat (ostrich vs. cheetah)?
  • Emailer argues a cheetah’s claws are dull and bite force weak by big-cat standards, but Craig demurs: “I think I’d rather take on an ostrich.” [76:24]
• Why aren’t there more Cheetahs/Leopards as team mascots?
• Comedy around panther/cougar/jaguar naming confusion.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Mahomes:
  “He keeps a nice layer of fat to protect all the…” – Heifetz [09:02]
• On Athlete Podcasts:
  “What does it make you feel when an athlete…still at the end of the day is like, I also want a podcast.” – Heifetz [16:08]
• On the A’s/MLS Sideshow:
  “They’re the Globetrotters. Vince McMahon and Willy Wonka had a baby that loves baseball.” – DK [55:32]
• On Billy Joel Hate:
  “I think Billy Joel f---ed this guy’s wife.” – Heifetz [61:19]
• On Bagels:
  “I have never seen a table of full grown men go into a complete psychosis faster…” – Jesse [80:23]

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Best Segments – Quick Reference

• Take Purge explanation & the Discord’s role: [02:08–04:29]
• Mahomes post-ACL, Danny Kelly’s “science”: [05:16–09:08]
• NFL RB salary stats and “fame-to-pay” gap: [09:13–12:24]
• Listener’s bold but logical NFL penalty rule fix: [29:08–30:59]
• “QB rotation like baseball”: [33:52–35:20]
• Baseball/tennis dating hierarchy & athlete culture: [35:52–50:07]
• The viral chicken sandwich/food bubble rant: [83:33–84:27]
• Cirque du Soleil and Internet attention deficit: [57:33–59:27]
• The Cheetah-as-mascot and animal fight club: [71:00–79:58]

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Overall Tone

Brisk, snarky, and playful—this is the Ringer at full tilt: sharp comedic rapport, statistical deep-dives that dissolve into groupthink tangents, and a fondness for the absurd. The hosts give every listener take room to breathe, never missing a chance for a callback or running joke (Discord “S-Bone,” celebrity “rizz,” or mock-shaming bad takes). Perfect for listeners who want both fantasy football insight and a window into the (often off-topic) sports-fan mind.

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For More:

• Be sure to join the Ringer Fantasy Football Discord, where many of these purges originated!
• The Take Purge is a running tradition—look out for their pre-draft and pre-season installments.

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“We unthanos snapped him.” – DK, when bringing a guest back from podcast banishment. [45:19]

Transcript

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[Danny Kelly]

This episode is brought to you by Spectrum Business. Fast, reliable Internet means everything for your business and even this podcast. That's why I trust Spectrum Business. They keep companies of all sizes connected with Internet, advanced Wi, Fi, phone, TV, mobile services, plus 24. 7 US based support. Millions of business owners already trust Spectrum business. So visit spectrum.combusiness to learn more. Restrictions apply. Services not available in all areas. Welcome to the Ringer Fantasy Football show. My name is Danny Hyphens and I'm joined by Danny Kelly and Craig Korolbeck. And today is the Listener Take Purge. We do the Take Purge every year, twice a year, before the draft, before the season begins. But this year we actually had so many purges from all of our listeners, we actually had to do an entire episode. Danny Kelly, can you explain for those who don't know what a purge is?

[Craig Horlbach]

A purge is. It's a confession or some thought that you have just in the back of your mind, you're not really sure if you believe it or not.

[Danny Kelly]

It's.

[Craig Horlbach]

You maybe don't even think it's true. But you need to get it off your chest.

[Danny Hyphens]

You need to get rid of it. It doesn't go away.

[Craig Horlbach]

Exactly.

[Danny Kelly]

I guess that's what a take is. I guess the Purge is the movie where crime is legal for 24 hours. Right. Purge, where you could do takes.

[Craig Horlbach]

To be clear, there's no consequences to getting these off your chest. That is the distinction is you can. You can say whatever you want. No consequences. Professionally or personally or legally.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yes. But like Chris Sims. But he does that 24, 7, 365 days a year, which is why he is the take.

[Craig Horlbach]

He's living in there. Yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

His whole life is the Purge, which is why? We dedicated two episodes a year to him. Did you guys know that there's a new rom com coming out this summer that is essentially the Purge, but for sex, where you can only have sex one night a year? The movie's called One Night Only.

[Craig Horlbach]

What?

[Danny Kelly]

It's a rom com?

[Craig Horlbach]

Why didn't we think of this, Craig?

[Danny Hyphens]

It stars Callum Turner, who is Dua Lipa's partner, and Monica Barbara, if you're familiar with her.

[Craig Horlbach]

You're only allowed to have sex one time a year in this world.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yes. The trailer is actually quite odd because it kind of pitches it as like a normal, like, meet cute rom com, and they, like, reference that premise. And then when I looked into the movie, I was like, oh, this movie is about. You can only. Only one night of the year. Sex is legal. Like, this is the purge for sex. But they really try to sell it on. Like, this is just a cute rom com. But that is the premise of the movie.

[Danny Kelly]

Like a panda bear, they have sex one day a year.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. The premise. Two New Yorkers search for love on the one night of the year when sex is legal. Love?

[Danny Kelly]

Is that what they're calling it? They're searching for love that night?

[Danny Hyphens]

Well, you'll have to tune in and find out.

[Danny Kelly]

We'll have to find out.

[Danny Hyphens]

That was it. That was an organic promo, I suppose, for this movie.

[Danny Kelly]

There you go. Okay, so we're gonna go through the listener take purge, and I want to shout out the Discord. The fantasy football or the ringer Fantasy football Discord, which created a. A take Purge channel for one week leading up to the take Purge and archived it. And most of these are from that. Some emails are woven in, but most of these are purges from the Discord that were absolutely phenomenal from the ghosts.

[Danny Hyphens]

From the Choads.

[Danny Kelly]

The ghost.

[Craig Horlbach]

What do you like more, Craig?

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't know. There's a. There's a certain Je to the chodes.

[Craig Horlbach]

Jesus Christ.

[Danny Kelly]

Okay, so shout out. Join the ring of fantasy football Discord. If that's your thing. We're gonna go and I can't. These tickled me so much. Okay, so I'm gonna go.

[Craig Horlbach]

By the way, real quick. High Fitz is wearing a Gentleman's piss club T shirt.

[Danny Kelly]

That out. Gentleman's piss club. Go watch the video on Spotify or Netflix, baby. Don't forget. If you don't want to watch this on Netflix, that's fine. Just turn it on when you leave your house and leave those numbers up. That numbers. Just turn it on when you leave. You turn off when you get back home, like, you think I'm kidding, but do it. That'll, it'll help. Okay, so what they said, you're going to know which ones are discord versus emails because some are just discord usernames.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay.

[Danny Kelly]

So you'll figure it out real quick. But I'm, I can't wait. Okay, so I had to lead off with this one. This one is from Stampire.

[Craig Horlbach]

Stampire S bone.

[Danny Kelly]

Patrick Mahomes relies on his athleticism more than people talk about. And this ACL injury is going to meaningfully affect the rest of Patrick Mahomes career.

[Danny Hyphens]

You know, that's, that's a good one because it is kind of true. He is so crafty and he's always wiggling around in the pocket. Sneaky, great runner. Sneaky strong. I feel like can lower his shoulder and kind of like truck through somebody. This is pretty good.

[Craig Horlbach]

This is like reminiscent of the Russell Wilson discussion during his career where it was like, what's going to happen when he can no longer run around? He can no longer do the Fran Tarkenton escape like Steve Young escape pressure and run around and make magic happen. I think there is an element of that with, with Mahomes. I don't think it's quite as pronounced. It's not certainly pronounced.

[Danny Kelly]

I got. So I did some science on this

[Danny Hyphens]

and I went back, did some science.

[Danny Kelly]

I did some science research.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

And I watched a YouTube video that the Chiefs put out.

[Craig Horlbach]

That's your science.

[Danny Kelly]

And it is. Well, it was the 29. The title of the video is. It's from the Chiefs official YouTube. It's the Patrick Mahomes, his best 29 plays of his career so far.

[Craig Horlbach]

Okay.

[Danny Kelly]

1. Man, that guy's incredible.

[Craig Horlbach]

Sure.

[Danny Kelly]

Holy shit.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

Properly rated. However, I did the, you know, charting, you know, I know Pro Football Focus got sold, but so I did some charting on these 29 plays. He's scrambling on 25 of the 29 plays. And I mean, like running for his fucking life on 25.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah, but that's like, come on. That's like a bias based on what types of plays they're putting into their highlight.

[Danny Kelly]

But it's all the cool plays is my point. He's the, he really is the coolest quarterback ever. But the I, I, I rewatching it, I almost forgot how much of Mahomes his coolness is. He's breaking all the rules nobody else is allowed to do. He's throwing with his other hand. He, I forgot how incredible this jump pass he had was against Tennessee. He just jumps and throws the ball. How often he runs left and throws 40 yards on a dot to the other side of the field. And like, it really is. He is so sneakily out racing defensive ends and out juking them all the time that, like, I don't know, Juan Taylor's gonna be the right tackle. I don't know. I, I, I watching it, I was like, to the point it's not like Mahomes is done, but it's like, is he the same guy? Maybe not instantly.

[Danny Hyphens]

I do think that he's not really like a straight line runner. It's like he is a real change of direction. He's like, really? He's basically playing tag back there, trying to avoid being touched, and he's really good at it. So, yeah, that requires a lot of, like, weird angles and weird improvised movements and weird shifting. I mean, look, I, I feel like Mahomes has been. What was the quarterback, the, the Netflix documentary. I remember watching that and, and watching what he does to his body and how he almost like, not he doesn't prepare to get injured, but like, he, he would bend his body in weird ways and kind of contort his limbs in weird angles to prepare for getting hit in awkward ways. And so in a sense, I do think Mahomes has kind of always been preparing to, like, get through something like this, and I trust that he'll be fine.

[Craig Horlbach]

He just could not prepare for his own teammate ramming into his knee.

[Danny Hyphens]

Right.

[Craig Horlbach]

So the type of thing you just, you can't really prepare.

[Danny Kelly]

Well, he's the one who rammed into Rasheed Rice.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, he tore Rush e. Rice's knee. He cooked.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, sorry, I'm confused. How did, how did Mahomes tear his ACL down?

[Danny Hyphens]

He just got hit on. He was running on the sideline. He was, like, rolling out towards the sideline and got hit right as he threw.

[Danny Kelly]

I believe it was kind of doing the thing that he was doing a lot.

[Craig Horlbach]

Sorry, I mixed that up.

[Danny Hyphens]

It's all good. I remember because I was going to win the title if receiver, I stayed healthy, but.

[Danny Kelly]

Right, right, right. Oh, my God. Yeah, that one. I just feel like every quarterback comes back from acl. We're like, we'll see how they do. And Mahomes comes back and we're like, well, he's different. It's fine.

[Craig Horlbach]

Is Mahomes gonna have, like, a real bad dad bod when he comes back from this?

[Danny Kelly]

His dad. Underneath the dad bod, he has incredible core strength. That's the funniest part about him is it's kind of exceptional core strength is the key to his whole thing. And he just hides it under a 6:24 pack.

[Danny Hyphens]

Of course, you keep a nice layer of fat to protect all the.

[Craig Horlbach]

Right, exactly right.

[Danny Hyphens]

I believe that.

[Danny Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Okay, so the next one here, this is from the actual handle is Jackson. Whatever.

[Craig Horlbach]

Okay.

[Danny Hyphens]

Jackson.

[Danny Kelly]

You should pay running backs. They touch the football a lot.

[Danny Hyphens]

Qualifies as a take purge. That's an intrusive thought. You should pay running back.

[Danny Kelly]

Every time there's a campaign running back to like, man, I don't know, man, they get the ball so much. This inspired me to go through a list of. Actually, you ever just look at the list of players who get paid the same amount of money?

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, it's brutal.

[Danny Kelly]

Like you can't pay a running back. And then I'm like, did you know the Ravens are going to pay Rashad Bateman more money this year than Derrick Henry?

[Danny Hyphens]

Oh, if you had to power rank the most important players on the Ravens, when does Derrick Henry come in? Like, is he like three?

[Craig Horlbach]

Probably yeah. Three or four.

[Danny Hyphens]

Is it like Lamar Jackson, Kyle Hamilton and Derrick Henry?

[Danny Kelly]

Freaking maybe. Yeah. Rashad, that one blew my mind. The other one I love is Saquon Barkley. Makes less money per year than Jacoby Myers and the same money per year as Green Bay receiver Jaden Reed.

[Craig Horlbach]

Man, I would like to know what, what are the best players that make less money than Wandale Robinson?

[Danny Kelly]

Saquon Barkley.

[Craig Horlbach]

That's the, that's the line that I want to hit here.

[Danny Kelly]

Here's one. Every running back in the NFL, Wanda Robinson makes more money than Christian McCaffrey or Saquon Barkley. Wanda Robinson's paid more than every running back in the NFL.

[Danny Hyphens]

There is no larger gap between like fame and how loved you are versus what you are paid than running backs

[Craig Horlbach]

in the NFL and also how cool the job is.

[Danny Kelly]

Dude. Dk, here's a good example. Jackson Smith. This Ken Walker is a good example because Ken Walker just went to super bowl mvp, hit free agency so he couldn't negotiate, actually got a market setting contract and everything. Ended up as the second highest paid running back. Really? Behind Sake one And Jackson Smith and Jigba stayed in Seattle, got a contract. You know, he. He's getting paid. Jackson Smith and Jigba is getting two and a half times as much money this season as Ken Walker.

[Craig Horlbach]

Kind of wild and it's. I understand it from an injury point of view and fungibility, I guess, but it is kind of. It's bizarre. To me that the running back contracts have not increased over the last like how long? 10 years. It seems like they've been flat forever.

[Danny Kelly]

They have. Adrian Peterson got 14 million a year like 10 years ago. And Ken Walker just got that in free agency.

[Craig Horlbach]

That's bizarre.

[Danny Kelly]

Yes, it's. Well, it stayed the same. It's flat with inflation.

[Danny Hyphens]

So I'm. Look, I have a list here on spot track of all the NFL contracts. So Wanda Robinson, average per year is making 17 and a half. Here are the people below him. I'll just kind of cruise through. Joe Tooney, Zach Bond.

[Craig Horlbach]

Joe Tuney was the protector of the year last year.

[Danny Kelly]

Best lineman of the year.

[Craig Horlbach]

The best offensive lineman in the NFL. Well, not really, but like one of them.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

Cam Jurgens, Ed Oliver, romeo D. Xavier McKinney. Jesse Bates, Scott Johnson, T.J. hawkinson. Okay. Kyle Pitts. Egregious. Aaron Rodgers.

[Craig Horlbach]

Aaron Rodgers. Wow.

[Danny Hyphens]

Derrick Henry. Yeah. Okay.

[Craig Horlbach]

You know, that's not as bad as I know.

[Danny Hyphens]

Kenneth Walker, Breeze Hall, Mike Evans.

[Craig Horlbach]

But it's like just all the running backs.

[Danny Kelly]

Running backs is fun.

[Danny Hyphens]

Jonathan Taylor's way down here. Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

Well, the other funny one is just because of the rookie contract stuff where it's like you start looking and you're like, there are kickers that make more money than Jameer Gibbs. So it's just, it's funny. All right, next, take perch here. This is from Swish.

[Craig Horlbach]

Swish. S bone.

[Danny Kelly]

S bone is a mod shout out. S bone. We S bones, take perch. We've already seen the best season of Jaden Daniels's career.

[Danny Hyphens]

Wow.

[Craig Horlbach]

I know. I'm worried about this a little bit. It's kind of good. What are some good parallels to Jaden Daniels?

[Danny Hyphens]

RG3.

[Danny Kelly]

RG3. What are you talking about? RG's RG4.

[Craig Horlbach]

That's teeg up for that one.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay.

[Craig Horlbach]

Okay. Other than that.

[Danny Kelly]

Other than. Other than a guy who set the rookie rushing record by a quarterback and then led his team to a remarkable playoff run.

[Craig Horlbach]

I. Look, that's.

[Danny Kelly]

That's Ricky. Yeah, I know the Agent Daniels thing. I went back and I just was trying to re. Recapture like how good his rookie year was. Dude, double digit wins. First time for Washington in 30 years. He accounted for 31 touchdowns, almost 900 rushing yards. It was like basically the most player rookie quarterback he had. I won't go through them all, but it was like five walk off wins basically, or fourth quarter comebacks and then halfway through his rookie season. So basically if. Just look at a team's first seven weeks of the season and you look at just like EPA per play. So the best offenses ever. It's the 2000 Rams, who won the Super bowl, to the 2007 Patriots who went 16 and oh, the 2018 Chiefs in Mahomes's first season, and then the 2024 Commanders, which was just the first seven games Jen Daniels ever played.

[Danny Hyphens]

Dude, and not only that, they got to the point in the playoffs where I was like, this team deserves to be in the super bowl. And I don't know how you stop them.

[Craig Horlbach]

I never. I remember you saying that. Like, I literally don't know how you stop.

[Danny Hyphens]

It was like watching a guy like play Madden on expert mode. I was like, I. He. Jaden, it's like. It was like old school Mike Vick where I'm like, he. He either just completes a 30 yard pass to Terry McLaren or he just runs for a first down and you can't stop it either way.

[Danny Kelly]

Washington went 20 of 23 on fourth down in 2024.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

20 of 23. 87%.

[Danny Hyphens]

Would you guys slot in Jaden Daniels as an obvious buy this year?

[Craig Horlbach]

I think so.

[Danny Kelly]

I think yes. I. I think yes. It's. It's a. I'm still a little concerned, but overall he's unbelievable because, like, the

[Danny Hyphens]

team's not that much better like on offense from a roster standpoint. But. But it's probably. Year one was an extreme in one direction, Year two was an extreme in the other direction. And it's going to land somewhere in the middle. But I'm much more confident that what we saw, year one is incredibly real. And that is who Jaden Daniels is.

[Craig Horlbach]

You know who. The other guy that comes to mind with the. We've seen the best of Jaden Daniels, and it was his rookie year is C.J. stroud.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, Stroud. So here's where I'm at with Stroud. I think his rookie year was vastly overrated. And he actually played pretty similarly the first two seasons. I, I think the, the C.J. stroud thing that we all got wrong with C.J. stroud's rookie year was he didn't throw an interception for a long time. I think he finished with like 23 touchdowns and one pick, but man, did they drop a lot of his fucking interceptions. And then he played a couple incredible games. The Texans Colts game, he was amazing. And then the playoffs, he shredded the Browns.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, that game, it was like that was the. And that was the best defense in the league that year, Cleveland, and they were 45 to 8, but they ran

[Danny Kelly]

a Specific style and like they got a lot of guys wide open. And I won't Shroud played great in those games, but outside of those like

[Danny Hyphens]

three or four games, 45, 14 that game.

[Danny Kelly]

But Strad was playing good, but he was not really playing elite. The part that was crazy was a rookie came in and he had like one pick. He like had the lowest interception rate in the NFL, but man, he still had the turnover worthy plays. I feel like the catch, the interceptions he was throwing just started getting caught. And everyone's like, what the fuck is going on with this guy? And obviously the curse of trying to big brother Caleb Williams, but.

[Danny Hyphens]

And then the podcast curse.

[Danny Kelly]

The podcast curse. I mean, you know what we did, went through all draft season and then tell you about is Caleb Downs does have a podcast. That's really the biggest issue with him as a as. As a prospect is he has a podcast.

[Craig Horlbach]

Maybe he doesn't love ball.

[Danny Hyphens]

What. What is it? What does it make you guys feel when an athlete who's making tens of millions of dollars is in peak physical form is in the 0.0001% of athleticism. Still at the end of the day is like, I also want a podcast.

[Danny Kelly]

Go away.

[Craig Horlbach]

Let us have something.

[Danny Kelly]

Jesus. On this note. Wow. More depressing start than I thought. But this one, this one really caught my attention. Bear. This is from Bear Fright Princess. Okay, Shout out.

[Craig Horlbach]

B B.

[Danny Kelly]

We have already seen the best fantasy season of Malik Neighbors and Brian Thomas's careers. And Nobody from the 2024 class will ever top Ryan Thomas Jr's return.

[Craig Horlbach]

Man, we got some fricking morose people here.

[Danny Kelly]

It's more depressing than I thought, but I will. Just a reminder, Brian Thomas Jr. Was the number four receiver in fantasy in 2024, only behind Jamar Chase, Justin Jefferson and Aman Ross St. Brown.

[Danny Hyphens]

Man. So this is basically like Malik Neighbors is kind of just Odell but sped up.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, basically. Which is my fear as well. That's. This whole thing is that Neighbors is just Odell again. And then the 2024 draft is just the 2014 draft. Basically. I guess they're saying or mix it. 2012 and then Y. Jaden's gonna be RG3. But the Brian Thomas thing, I don't know. Is he ever gonna be the fourth, the top four receiver in fantasy again? He's gonna be third in receiving yards again.

[Craig Horlbach]

No, I think, I think this is right.

[Danny Kelly]

Neighbors was fifth in catches and he was like points. He was yards per game. Malik Neighbors was sixth. He was only behind a Monroe Sabre On Nico Collins Pukanuku with Jefferson and Chase I'm a little worried about. I hope he comes back.

[Craig Horlbach]

The neighbors thing is just injury related. Yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

How do you feel about Neighbors high fits with Jackson Dart? Do you think this is going to be fine or is it going to be. The talent is obvious but the connection won't work.

[Danny Kelly]

If I'm being honest, I have not let my beating heart. I have not actually I am protecting myself and my imagination from imagining fully healthy neighbors and fully healthy Dart just crushing it. I can't tell you how much I want that to be the case. But my heart is very guarded. I have to say I would love nothing more than Malik Neighbors to be fully healthy and have like 1900 yards. However, it freaks me out a little that he has. He never did really put three weeks in a row healthy like the Giants almost killed him.

[Craig Horlbach]

Speaking speaking of flashes in a pan and Jaden Daniels and some of these guys that were really awesome as rookies, what's your level of concern around Jackson Dart? Do you think Jackson Dart is legit? Do you have a strong confidence that he. That what he saw as a rookie is real?

[Danny Kelly]

Yes. He needs to learn to protect himself and have some sense of self preservation. He can play from the pocket. There's no question about it. He did enough that it's like he can play from the pocket. I am unconcerned about it. I am more concerned about. He has to just. It's like the, the rare.

[Craig Horlbach]

It's the same as Jane Daniels. It's the exact same problem that we.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbach]

And we were talking about it coming into the league. Jaden Daniels is like whatever it is, 200 pounds, super skinny guy.

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't know. I feel like Daniels rookie season, the way he played was way more mature than Jaden.

[Danny Kelly]

Way more mature. And it was all the VR shit he did. Jaden Daniels was. Oh, it looks like he's seen it before. He's doing the edge of tomorrow stuff. He's like, I played this game at 2x speed already in the VR three times. A slender guy who took crazy hits in college. But I agree with Craig, like you go 20, 23 and fourth down, you're not being reckless. Dart has the Anthony Richardson thing where it's like if you're bigger you can in theory take on more hits but you still want to avoid hits. And it's like Jackson Dart was seeking contact in situations where it was reckless. And that's what bothered me. Jackson Dart was taking hits, not going for it on first downs. Or not going for touchdowns. Jackson Dart was taking hits and this is why Brian Dibble got fired. Like down 20 to the Eagles with two, three minutes left. I'm like second and six to get one yard. Like, what the fuck? Like, like that's insane. Like, down 14 to the Niners. Under a minute to go.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

Starts getting clobbered. Yeah, exactly. And so that needs to go. And if that. As long as Dart stops doing that, then I'm happy. Speak. This one's funny. This is from Ernie P. Earn Evone.

[Craig Horlbach]

Big Earn.

[Danny Kelly]

The Eagles should increase the price for A.J. brown because of the PR distraction. It would be that would benefit the Patriots.

[Craig Horlbach]

They're just holding him hostage.

[Danny Hyphens]

The Patriots desperately need a win here. That, Sorry, the price tag just went up to two.

[Danny Kelly]

First Mike Frankel calls. Howie Rose was like we said 20, 21st. Right. Howie Rose is like the price of the bricks going.

[Craig Horlbach]

Saw some pictures on a boat price just what up?

[Danny Kelly]

Sorry.

[Danny Hyphens]

Oh, boy. A.J. brown's taking these photos.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah, right. That's. That is a good twist to this story, Craig.

[Danny Hyphens]

It's A.J. brown.

[Craig Horlbach]

He's the one doing this.

[Danny Kelly]

I thought that was good. And if you think that hasn't crossed

[Danny Hyphens]

Howie Roseman's mind, I mean, when you talk about leverage, like, the Eagles are just sitting pretty right now.

[Danny Kelly]

Thought about it. This one's from Turtle.

[Danny Hyphens]

Turtle from Entourage.

[Danny Kelly]

I must be Avion, baby. Turtle says the tush push should not be banned. Quarterback sneaks from under center should be banned.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, interesting. Okay.

[Danny Kelly]

Turtle's point is if you want to go for in fourth one handed off or run it up the gut from Pistol, but remove the pure reaction time element, which is actually the problem with the holster of the tush push. The quarterback sneak is the problem.

[Danny Hyphens]

Do you guys like the QB sneak? Is the QB sneak fun to you?

[Danny Kelly]

Sucks.

[Craig Horlbach]

No, it's not fun. It's definitely not fun.

[Danny Kelly]

It's stupid. I think this is right.

[Danny Hyphens]

I think any play that results in like a pile of 12 guys and they don't know where the ball is and it takes five minutes for the refs to like basically randomly put the ball somewhere and then measure it is a bad play.

[Danny Kelly]

I, I, I agree. The whole thing where it's like the tush push like it's a rugby play. I'm like, well, the quarterback snake is a rugby play. It's really the first play is just give that guy the ball and push. Like that's just the first play.

[Craig Horlbach]

Aesthetics aside, I've thought this a couple times. I wonder why. Maybe it's just an injury thing or whatever. People worry about the quarterbacks getting hurt, but it seems like they could run quarterback sneaks more often and pick up pretty good yards, you know what I mean? Because like there's. There's a lot of plays where the quarterback will line up under center and there's no sackle or whatever. He's kind of tilted to one angle or whatever. And then you got like five yards till the next guy or not really, but it's like there's a. There's a lot. There's a lot of space on certain plays where they should just freaking audible to a sneak and do like the Tom Brady thing where you just like lower your head and basically ride your center five yards up. Feel. I feel like they should do that more often.

[Danny Hyphens]

Like, like Josh Allen goes like five wide and just QB sneaks.

[Craig Horlbach]

That's.

[Danny Hyphens]

That's guaranteed four yards every time.

[Craig Horlbach]

Right. I feel like that could be sort of an edge.

[Danny Kelly]

Just do that the whole way down the field the entire game all season. Yeah, it's a pretty good idea.

[Danny Hyphens]

Aesthetically pleasing football.

[Craig Horlbach]

Get rid of the pomp and circumstance of the tush push where everybody lines up and we wait like 15 seconds for them to snap the ball. Just snap it quickly and get 5 yards.

[Danny Hyphens]

If you guys could get rid of one part of the game, what would it be?

[Danny Kelly]

Probably kicking. Yeah, like field goals and punting. Yeah, it's like a field. If field possession is so important, then don't give it up.

[Craig Horlbach]

I think field goals, I kind of like field goals. I don't like field goals.

[Danny Hyphens]

I think they're kind of fun. They're dramatic.

[Craig Horlbach]

They're kind of fun.

[Danny Hyphens]

Just think how many games would end on just like really lame Hail Marys if we didn't have field goals.

[Craig Horlbach]

Right?

[Danny Kelly]

That's true. Larry David has that take that like he's. That's really his take. Purge is that like kickers coming on at the end of an NFL game is insane.

[Craig Horlbach]

I just feel that it is like

[Danny Hyphens]

it's completely disconnected from the rest of the game. But, but, but like if there's 30 seconds left and a team is down two and it's like so they got. They're not going to go score a touchdown so the game is effectively over and it's going to end up there. It's kind of fun when it's like, can Chris boswell hit a 56 yarder? I don't know.

[Craig Horlbach]

I probably get rid of his anti climactic. It's like, oh, he made the kick okay. Guess the game's over.

[Danny Hyphens]

Compared to like a a incomplete pass

[Craig Horlbach]

H. I mean that's more exciting to me is like throw it up into the end zone, see what happens.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah but that one out of a hundred times it gets caught. At least a fuel goal. You're flipping a coin. If not better.

[Craig Horlbach]

More than a one out of a hundred, but yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

Really?

[Danny Kelly]

What do you think more than a 1 out of 100 Hail Marys get caught?

[Craig Horlbach]

Well, it depends on how deep we're talking, I guess but.

[Danny Hyphens]

Well, It's a Hail Mary. 50 yards.

[Craig Horlbach]

How much could a Hail Mary cost? 40.

[Danny Hyphens]

50 yards? I can't. I don't.

[Craig Horlbach]

I feel like you would be more like 10. I don't know him.

[Danny Hyphens]

110 Hill Marys are not caught.

[Craig Horlbach]

Aaron Rogers, you're beloved. There's no way Aaron Rodgers hits like 60%.

[Danny Hyphens]

There's like two a year maybe

[Danny Kelly]

I don't know what the is happening. They just say 10% of hill berries are caught.

[Danny Hyphens]

What are you.

[Danny Kelly]

It's called.

[Craig Horlbach]

It's named after if they're even practicing it maybe.

[Danny Hyphens]

Oh wait. We have to read. Did you. Did you see the report? I guess this is going to come out a couple of days after we're taping this. But even rap more reported like some Aaron Rodgers thing. The amount of times that people that that real reporters top of the game. Reporters report that Aaron Rodgers is is likely going to come play for the Steelers this year. But there's just no concrete information. This is what Ian Rappaport tweeted. Aaron Rodgers, who is expected to visit the Steelers Friday and this week visit will likely play for them in 2026. A deal is not done and there is always caution until things are signed. It's like what is the point of that statement?

[Craig Horlbach]

We already knew all this.

[Danny Hyphens]

He's visiting the Steel. He doesn't he. He was there last year. He lived there. What do you mean he's visiting the Steelers?

[Craig Horlbach]

He's like likely coming over on the weekend to play with the kids.

[Danny Kelly]

It is easier to nail smoke to a wall than figure out if Aaron Rodgers wants to play quarterback in the NFL.

[Craig Horlbach]

It is insane how much he is following the Brett Favre track of his career. It's.

[Danny Kelly]

It's wild, cosmic. Feels like he must feel like they're like accidentally soul bonded. It is crazy how much he's become far of this man that he hated.

[Craig Horlbach]

Is training camp that bad are the other.

[Danny Kelly]

It was when farms get at least when farm skipped it was two practices.

[Craig Horlbach]

I know they were doing two a days. They Were staying in dorms. Now they stay at probably really nice hotels.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, well, maybe not the Steelers.

[Danny Kelly]

No, the Steelers are still at a college door there. Steelers are in dorms in Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

[Craig Horlbach]

He's like, I'm not going to that toilet.

[Danny Hyphens]

He's in Malibu right now. He's like, I'll wait.

[Danny Kelly]

It's true. Five was like, I'm going to have to run laps and play two days in the sun. It's like, no, thanks. I'll show up August 30th. But like, it isn't. Here's the part that drives me insane about all this is do you know who went to their first 18 OTAs? Like, they're like, oh, well, what do they do in an involuntary OTAs? I don't need to do that. That's for 22 year olds learning the playbook. Tom Brady went to the first 18 and match. Patrick Mahomes also hasn't missed any OTAs. What the fuck are you doing?

[Craig Horlbach]

I mean, it is objectively the right thing to do if you're the starting quarterback. What are we talking about here? It's objectively the correct thing. You should be doing this. We talked about this last year. It took a while for Aaron Rodgers to get like on the same page as his receivers. You know where you could do that at OTAs, you fucking idiot.

[Danny Kelly]

Dude, a million. This went to the Pyramids and then the jets and he's like calling out Mike Williams at a press conference about the red line. And then it's just like, well, if only you'd gone to those like nine extra days of practice, man.

[Craig Horlbach]

Usually I'm Jesus. I'm typically, I would say I'm pro player in terms of like letting them do what they want to do. But I absolutely understand why the Steelers are annoyed at this. It's like, dude, come on, fucking get over here. We have a season coming up.

[Danny Hyphens]

And they offered him like a little raise too.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, they hired Mike McCarthy.

[Craig Horlbach]

They were forced to offer him that raise because he's fudgeing holding them hostage.

[Danny Kelly]

This guy sucks.

[Danny Hyphens]

I just love that tweet. That tweet is so funny. Craig Horlbach, who is expected to visit fandango.com will likely see a movie in 2026. It's like, what is the point of that tweet?

[Craig Horlbach]

Look, Craig, it is a slow time in the off season. We need to create some storylines. What is he doing right now?

[Danny Hyphens]

He's in Malibu.

[Craig Horlbach]

He's enjoying his wife surfing with his anonymous wife. That is either real or not real.

[Danny Hyphens]

That I respect.

[Danny Kelly]

You're.

[Danny Hyphens]

You do not. If you're famous, your spouse does not need to be put on blast. Why not?

[Craig Horlbach]

Well, yeah, I respect the fact that. I respect the fact that she's. We don't even know her name. Or do we? I don't know if we do.

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't know.

[Craig Horlbach]

But I don't know for sure if she's real. Is. Is sort of where I am at right now.

[Danny Hyphens]

Maybe she's AI.

[Craig Horlbach]

Who cares? That man is not.

[Danny Hyphens]

Maybe she's a clanker. Okay. Who knows? We can't clank. Shame. Who knows? I'm not going to clank shame anybody.

[Danny Kelly]

All right, this. Well, this was not even a take. Just. But while you mentioned rule changes, someone wrote it as a purge. And I'm like, this isn't a purge, but it's the most sensible rul change I've ever heard.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay.

[Danny Kelly]

It's from Matt. Matty and bone breakfast was Texas. This an email. Texas red grapefruit bowl of non sky, non fat skier mixed with granola.

[Craig Horlbach]

What is Texas grapefruit?

[Danny Kelly]

I think it's a grapefruit. And then. Yeah, non fat yogurt. Okay. Skier is basically Icelandic yogurt.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay.

[Craig Horlbach]

That's the best. Love that stuff.

[Danny Kelly]

So Matt wrote, I hate how offensive p penalties are mostly meaningless when they're backed up against the goal line. So, like, it's first and 10 from your own one false start, half the distance.

[Danny Hyphens]

It is a glitch in this first down.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, it's lame. And Matt's like, why not just tack the penalty onto the line to gain and move the first down marker up 5?

[Danny Hyphens]

Oh, I'm going to be honest, I've never considered that. And that. That makes sense.

[Craig Horlbach]

So say it again. Tack the.

[Danny Hyphens]

So if you're on the five and it's a 10 yard penalty, you can't go back 10 yards. So then why don't you just add five yards?

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, that makes sense.

[Danny Kelly]

Matt wrote that as a take perch. I'm like, buddy, they might just make that rule next year. I don't know if anyone's even thought of that.

[Danny Hyphens]

I thought he was going to say, like, back him up into the end zone.

[Danny Kelly]

That too. It's also like a great idea. Play in the end zone.

[Danny Hyphens]

The end zone's 10 yards long. Fucking use it. Snap the ball in the middle of the end zone.

[Danny Kelly]

That's awesome.

[Danny Hyphens]

Get tackled.

[Craig Horlbach]

It's still a safety.

[Danny Hyphens]

That'd be amazing. You ain't going to run the ball because that's the worst part is when it's like you're on your own one and it's like, oh, they're just going to like QB sneak to get a couple yards. If they're seven yards deep in the literal end zone, they got to throw it fast.

[Danny Kelly]

Kind of love that too. Just put them in the end zone.

[Danny Hyphens]

Put him in the end zone.

[Craig Horlbach]

Instead of having the half the distance to the goal or whatever, you could also just lose the down. Half the distance to goal and you lose the down.

[Danny Kelly]

I just like moving. I just love that. I've never thought. Just move the other. You have two sets of sticks. Move the other one.

[Danny Hyphens]

We'll take bikini bottom and we'll move it somewhere else. You just P DK doesn't get that.

[Craig Horlbach]

I know that. It's a Spongebob reference. That's all I know.

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[Danny Kelly]

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[Danny Hyphens]

All right.

[Danny Kelly]

This is from Wild Cards fan. All right, Take Purge is Cam Ward has as many horrible plays as Will Levis did. Cam Ward just has more aura. So he's getting a bat.

[Danny Hyphens]

Oh, he was the first pick in the draft. So, you know, you get benefit of the doubt for a couple years.

[Danny Kelly]

I think that's right though.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, he did have Kenward Tries Will Levis esque things. I would say he's, he's more successful at them but he's not wrong in that they're both kind of play with a, with a, with a reckless abandon that is similar to one another.

[Danny Kelly]

Ken Ward had more cool reckless abandons though Will Levis didn't really have the highs.

[Danny Hyphens]

Kim would have that one play where he threw across the field that was awesome last year. And that's kind of the only one I think about.

[Danny Kelly]

This one's from Guy Man 1023 Guy Man. Guy Man. Just in case you were wondering anybody

[Danny Hyphens]

named Please email us if you know somebody under 10 years old named Guy.

[Danny Kelly]

Oh, interesting.

[Danny Hyphens]

Learning babies named Guy.

[Danny Kelly]

I did get a text the other day from Drew and Drew is like he had a land inspector come and the land inspector's last name was Landman.

[Craig Horlbach]

That makes sense.

[Danny Kelly]

This is incredible.

[Craig Horlbach]

Let's see what kind of. What's a land inspection? Looking at the ground.

[Danny Hyphens]

Which one of you is going to change your last name to Footballman.

[Danny Kelly]

Footballsman. Anyways, from Guy Man. Teams that have two bad quarterback situation. Oh no, sorry. Teams that have bad quarterback situations like the Browns or Jets or Falcons should just run a baseball style rotation and have a starting quarterback, a change that pays quarterback and a closer.

[Danny Hyphens]

That's awesome.

[Craig Horlbach]

I like that. Dude.

[Danny Kelly]

TUA is like, like Michael Penix is the closer. But two, it just kind of does the first three quarters.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, Penix is Riviera is Mariano Rivera. That's very interesting because it's like we can only get a good week. Gino's really only good for a quarter and a half and then we'll bring in someone else

[Craig Horlbach]

like an early down quarterback and a third down quarterback. They get in the practice thing is the big question mark here. I think if we're actually talking about this seriously. The reason teams don't do this is because there's not enough practice time. But what if, what if you just have a guy on the side practicing his third down plays. I don't know. That's the kickers just practice kicking all

[Danny Kelly]

God, the Browns this year. Practice.

[Danny Hyphens]

It's interesting. Imagine if it's like oh, in the third quarter we bring out Taysom Hill. We won the wishbone for the third.

[Danny Kelly]

I, I kind of am in love with this idea. So you know what's funny is they kind of used to do the Rams

[Craig Horlbach]

is the middle reliever. Yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

They just run the ball for the third. Kind of just keep the score the same, get to the fourth quarter, bring

[Danny Kelly]

in Pennix or you have starting, kind of like starting pitchers. You don't know who's going to play each day. The Rams did that in the 50s. They had Norm Van Brocklin and they had Bob Waterfield, and they won the championship of the 50s, and they didn't

[Craig Horlbach]

really know Norm Van Brocklin and Bob Waterfield.

[Danny Kelly]

Norm Van Brock, he's the most passing yards in the game.

[Danny Hyphens]

North Waterfield, I gotta say. So we're playing fantasy baseball this year, and my team sucks. And you know what? I'm trying hard, too. Like, I am setting my shit every day. I am in the. I am adding and dropping players. My team sucks and I don't know what to do.

[Danny Kelly]

My team sucks too.

[Danny Hyphens]

Like, helpless.

[Craig Horlbach]

I. I don't know what to do.

[Danny Hyphens]

I can't do anything. My team sucks. And it's. But I check every fucking day. I've memorized all what teams my players are on. Like, checking. Oh, how did Brandon Low do on the Pirates today? And he's over 4, actually. He's been okay, but this is a. So I. I like, watched baseball growing up a lot, but I've kind of like, taken the last five years off. So just getting back into it high. Fitz, I don't love. Maybe this is a Boomer take, but it's related to this take. Birch, I don't love the whole. Like, sometimes there's a guy who comes in, like, the starter before the starter, and he pitches like a couple innings.

[Danny Kelly]

Oh, the opener. No, it's brutal.

[Danny Hyphens]

What the fuck is that? Like, I get that they do that in the playoffs, but like, now that's a regular season occurrence. And like, no, starting pitchers basically pitch more than, like, like five or six innings now.

[Danny Kelly]

Well, so that is the big change in baseball. And it's kind of scooter fantasy baseball that is the big thing. So the opener is kind of rare. The Rays experimented with a little. Basically, what if your clothes are pitched the first inning because, like, those are the best three batters and then you had a different guy because it's kind of just. Basically, it's multiple forces converging. If everyone pitches less, everyone can throw harder. So that's number one. It's like the most common sense. It's like every collective pitch is faster. That's better. Also, the other benefit is the more at bats a pitcher, a batter faces a pitcher, like, the more pitches he sees, the more likely is to get a hit. So they don't really want any media unless you're really, really, really good as a pitcher. They don't really want the batter seeing you a third or a fourth time.

[Craig Horlbach]

That is the thing that I've noticed too that dude they take, they keep stats on everything. I'm still trying to figure out what some of these fucking stats are for baseball as we. It's crazy the season and there's stats on how poorly or like the difference between the first time through the batting order and the third, the first two times through the batting order and the third time through the batting order. And there's some pictures where you're like, we don't want him to get to the third time through the batting order. That's when he really starts to fall off. Which I think is fascinating.

[Danny Kelly]

Pitchers just throwing eight innings now is like, it's a, like you like raise your eyebrows. Like it is really like. And it's a dying breed too. That's the other thing is like the guys doing it are kind of older. Like it's like old school guys who like won't get yanked from a game

[Craig Horlbach]

but like they have calloused ligaments in there.

[Danny Kelly]

And also every team I, I feel like this is the field goals thing I remember. I always do have callous ligaments, but I always feel like you remember. Like I remember them cutting to 60 yard field goals because it's crazy. I remember when a pitcher could throw 100 miles an hour. This is a big deal. Every team has five random 6 foot 5 men who could throw 100 miles an hour.

[Craig Horlbach]

I know it is.

[Danny Kelly]

Every single one.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah. Did you guys see the Shohei Ohtani sweeper pitcher? I don't know what it was a slider. And the pitching ninja Twitter account made it. Could Altuve have hit that pitch if he had been swinging himself? And then he like. It's like they made like the graphic of him swinging a life size cardboard cutout of himself. And he missed. He missed by so much that he even like a full himself couldn't have hit that. That's like the problem is like now the, now the guys can hit. They can throw a fucking 100 mile an hour fastball. And the next pitch is like a sweeper or whatever they call it slider outside. And it's like eight feet outside and it still looks the same coming in here's.

[Danny Kelly]

And here's the other. Well that's the cr. That is the crazy part because again, what's the four tenths of a second to hit a fastball and then it looks like a curveball for half of that time anyway, so you're just guessing. But the other Crazy thing, which I don't know if you guys know about this. They have these machines now that. The batting cages now in the MLB stadiums, they're too big to transport, but every home stadium has a machine that can perfectly replicate a pitcher. And so it is like their motion on a screen, and then the ball comes out, and it mimics the pitcher's arsenal so they can add. So, like, let's say it's Ohtani pitching, like. And you're facing the Dodgers that night. The pages have machine in their home stadium that mimics all of Ohtani's pitches, tries to mimic the pitch mix, and will put the spin on it so you can practice the tunneling. And they're putting him up so you can practice the timing of his delivery. It is fucking crazy. The arms race in baseball over. Just like you're practicing on a fucking video screen of him.

[Danny Hyphens]

It is literally an arms race.

[Danny Kelly]

God damn it.

[Craig Horlbach]

Well played.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, but I missed the brand of baseball where a guy would come out. Max Scherzer come out, throw eight innings.

[Danny Kelly]

I love that. I do.

[Craig Horlbach]

Max Scherzer might still do that.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, he's still pitching, by the way. Getting rocked, dude.

[Danny Hyphens]

The fact that Justin. I kind of spit out my water the other day when I was like, justin Verlanders is still in the mlb.

[Danny Kelly]

Crazy dude. He won the Cy Young when we were in middle school. That dude is straight up.

[Danny Hyphens]

He's 43. Go home, dude. Kate Upton.

[Danny Kelly]

Go home to Kate. Up. Yeah, he's just bored. What are you doing there? Speaking of kid up that. We got an email from someone who's impressed that I named Brooklyn Decker and Bara Faeli.

[Craig Horlbach]

Good, good polls on your account there.

[Danny Kelly]

Well, they were just like. Are all men kind of secretly just cosmic brothers with everyone else? Because, you know, everyone just remembers the Sports Illustrated, of course, magazines.

[Danny Hyphens]

So. Bar ref. One of them was with Andy Roddick, and one was with Leo.

[Danny Kelly]

Brooklyn Decker still. Brooklyn Decker still with Andy Roddick, still with Andy Roddick.

[Danny Hyphens]

And then Leo Day. Bar Raphael.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

Yes. And Chrissy T. And Darcy dated Chrissy.

[Craig Horlbach]

Three or three or four different Brazilian supermodels.

[Danny Hyphens]

Well, he currently is Chrissy Tegan.

[Craig Horlbach]

John Legend is Israeli maybe, actually.

[Danny Kelly]

But Jesus, really, I know too much. I'm knowing more about this.

[Danny Hyphens]

See a dk.

[Craig Horlbach]

Look, I didn't date her, all right?

[Danny Hyphens]

He just fades away.

[Danny Kelly]

Should Thanos snap him.

[Danny Hyphens]

I gotta say, tennis players clean up.

[Danny Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

I'm not sure why, but they do clean up.

[Danny Kelly]

Stamina.

[Craig Horlbach]

Not sure why, because a lot of professional athletes.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. But I don't know. It's like, first, I just feel like I wouldn't have expected that.

[Craig Horlbach]

I didn't know they had it in

[Danny Kelly]

them because they're lanky.

[Danny Hyphens]

Like, tennis players do much better than, like, MLB pitchers in the celebrity. Kind of like famous football.

[Danny Kelly]

You just said Justin Verlanders with Kate Upton.

[Danny Hyphens]

What are you talking about? I know, but, like, think about how many pitchers there have been that are famous. Like, there's fucking. How many baseball teams are there? How many really good starting pitchers have there been? Tennis. It's like, well, you know, the top five guys in the world. There's like, five relevant male tennis players a year. They clean up.

[Craig Horlbach]

It's because baseball players, by and large, are dirt bags.

[Danny Hyphens]

No, no, no. The real reason is that they're, like, married to a high school sweetheart.

[Danny Kelly]

What do you guys. First of all, where are you. Where are you getting this information? What are you basing this off?

[Craig Horlbach]

This is purely anecdotal, but baseball players are the biggest dirt bags of any sport, I would say, by far. You guys come at me if you think I'm wrong. Let me know which sport has bigger dirt bags than baseball. I think baseball players would be the first to admit this. This sport is full of dirt bags.

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't know. Like, there was that rumor that Brooks Nader was sleeping with Carlos Alcaraz and Sinner, and I'm just like, tennis players, man.

[Craig Horlbach]

What was that movie?

[Danny Kelly]

Well, they're the best two tennis players. They're the best two. Can you name?

[Danny Hyphens]

But, like, whatever. When, like, Jacob deGrom or Garrett Cole, you're not like, oh, are they dating Dua Lipa? Like, that's just not a thing.

[Craig Horlbach]

Because you got, like, John Rocker and Kurt Schilling.

[Danny Kelly]

What are you talking. You just named the best two tennis players, and then the best two pitchers are. Whatever. It's like.

[Danny Hyphens]

No, I'm saying, like, whatever. Like, when deGrom was, like, the best pitcher in the league and he was like, a phenom. It's like, it was not like, oh, is DeGrom gonna date Sabrina Carpenter? Like, that just doesn't happen as much. Tennis players, it's like anything's on the table.

[Danny Kelly]

Interesting. I like this. Maybe, you know, Paul Ski done right.

[Craig Horlbach]

Tennis players clean up.

[Danny Hyphens]

That's true. You're right. Paul Skeen's Livy Dunn is that. That's helping the pitcher brand a lot, maybe.

[Craig Horlbach]

I'll eat my words. Who is he dating?

[Danny Hyphens]

Livy Dunn.

[Danny Kelly]

This is who Baby Gronk. Baby Gronk got rised up by Livy Dunn.

[Danny Hyphens]

This is already the brain gymnast who went to LSU and is now an influencer, model, person living Dunn's patient zero for brain rock.

[Danny Kelly]

Maybe Gronk got rised up.

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't know if my take is more why don't baseball players date more models or man tennis players over index really?

[Danny Kelly]

Well, I think. I guess my question. The baseball thing is just a sexier version of why aren't these guys famous? Especially because they're the richest.

[Danny Hyphens]

That might be right. And I get that baseball is. Is less popular than basketball and football right now.

[Craig Horlbach]

Who cleans up better? Golf players or golfers, I guess, or tennis players.

[Danny Hyphens]

It's. It's tennis.

[Craig Horlbach]

Tennis ers. Why isn't it tennis ers if it's golfers?

[Danny Hyphens]

I believe it is tennis. Men tennis. And yeah, I think again, I mean, Tiger woods was obviously very busy, but

[Danny Kelly]

that was a mess. It was certainly stuff.

[Danny Hyphens]

Tiger woods should have been a fucking radar busy. You know, he's trying to be Tiger Woods.

[Craig Horlbach]

Tiger woods should have played baseball.

[Danny Hyphens]

A lot of golfers have like

[Danny Kelly]

baseball.

[Craig Horlbach]

He was a. He was a baseball player in his soul, I think.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah. TK Hates baseball players.

[Craig Horlbach]

No, I'm not.

[Danny Kelly]

I'm not.

[Craig Horlbach]

Hey, I'm not judging. I'm simply stating a fact. They're on the road 100. And how many days are you.

[Danny Hyphens]

TK got canceled for thinking bar. Rafaeli was Brazilian. He just started swing shooting from the hip. Now he's like, who cares?

[Craig Horlbach]

This was the take purge.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, we unthano snapping him. Yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't know, but I think it's. Golfers are like married to have been married for 10 years to some random woman and they've, you know, I don't know.

[Danny Kelly]

Rory dated Caroline Wozniacki at the. When he was like 21.

[Danny Hyphens]

Golfers, though, are always there with their little kid when they win the Masters. Very. It's very wholesome. There's like the family events before the Masters. Tennis players just traveling the world and dating models.

[Danny Kelly]

You know, why, you know, here's. You know what? I just. I think I just thought of it. The tennis tour goes to way different places because golf, it's generally the pga.

[Craig Horlbach]

Tennis is like luxurious places like Monaco.

[Danny Kelly]

And yes, tennis is going luxurious place for the.

[Danny Hyphens]

For the spouses to go to just

[Craig Horlbach]

a bunch of rich people.

[Danny Kelly]

Tennis is going to Miami, Monaco, Madrid, Rome, like all over. And then like with little stops to D.C. or Cincinnati or Wells, Indian Wells even. That's in like Palm Springs. But it's like the golf One is more like. It's just like rich golf locations for the most part, but it's like Houston and New Orleans and like Atlanta and then like, I mean. I mean Augusta for Georgia. And then it's like they stop through Florida and they're little, like, you know, the Jupiter island, all that stuff. And they have like, you know, it's like pebble beach, all these things. But it's not like Rome, but you saw like cool nightclub places.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. And like there's another girl, Morgan Riddle, who is an influencer, who's. Who's dating the tennis player Taylor Fritz. And she's like made a brand out of just being the girlfriend of a tennis player. And it just looks awesome.

[Danny Kelly]

He's.

[Craig Horlbach]

He's great serve being a girlfriend of a tennis player.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, it does look. It's like always in it. In Europe, like at some fancy hotel. And she's like, oh, I gotta go to this tennis match.

[Danny Kelly]

He was a wild child. He was younger. Taylor frisk Taylor Fritz. I. He just got his goodness.

[Craig Horlbach]

Never heard of this.

[Danny Kelly]

Taylor Fritz is so. Can I do it a thing on American tennis right now?

[Craig Horlbach]

Sure.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

So the American tennis guys, it's just like. It's really. There's something in every sport where these things we said would never happen again just immediately happened again. And Sinner and Alcres are maybe kind of as good as Feder and Adele. And there's just this tier of guys below them. And the American guys are just so far from winning a major. But Taylor Fritz has come closest, kind of. But man got to get his head together. It's good.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay.

[Danny Kelly]

Huge serve.

[Danny Hyphens]

Damn, he's from San Diego. Shouts out 28 years old and.

[Danny Kelly]

And Tiafo has been a little disappointing at times. Francis Tiafo has been disappointed. Ben Shelton is really the next. Oh, who's Ben Shelton dating? Ben Shelton's really good. Ben Shelton is Riz and is young and is. He's going to be a star. I'm telling you right now. Ben Shelton's going to be a star.

[Craig Horlbach]

Okay.

[Danny Kelly]

Is he dating. He does have Riz. Trinity Rodman. He's dating Trinity Rodman.

[Craig Horlbach]

Any relation to Dennis?

[Danny Kelly]

Yes, his daughter. She's on the U.S. women's National Soccer team.

[Danny Hyphens]

You guys think more tennis players should tear their acl? Are you surprised by that? Doesn't happen more. You never hear.

[Craig Horlbach]

Honestly, different biomechanics.

[Danny Hyphens]

Honestly, it must be the way the game is played that. That is just less conducive.

[Craig Horlbach]

They're not getting hit by. They're not getting hit by Their quarterback when they're running out of bounds.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, I guess that's right. You just never hear about that. You never hear about Achilles or ACLs with tennis players.

[Danny Kelly]

Players, knock on wood.

[Craig Horlbach]

I'm surprised. Achilles isn't a thing. I feel like Achilles has got to be a thing that. But they're. Yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't know.

[Craig Horlbach]

They're not as they're. It's a young man's game, too.

[Danny Hyphens]

Well, like some of the guys, the

[Craig Horlbach]

elites can age better, but like, for

[Danny Hyphens]

the most part, being a pro tennis player would be awesome. I feel like the body type is great. It ages really nicely. You're just like so thin and lean. You're like usually long and thin and you're just like running around. You're in great cardiovascular shape.

[Craig Horlbach]

You just. On the Mediterranean diet.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, yeah. Sounds great. You have like some European watch sponsorship.

[Craig Horlbach]

Hell yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

If you're good, it's great. The. It would be. I'd rather be. Would you rather be a pro golfer, A tennis player? I feel like basic about golf is

[Danny Hyphens]

golf just seems like you're always fucking golfing and it's just.

[Danny Kelly]

I know.

[Danny Hyphens]

It's just a kind of a grind prison. Yeah.

[Craig Horlbach]

Golf, you only get paid. You only have paid if you win.

[Danny Hyphens]

It's like. Yeah. If you couldn't leave heaven, is it still heaven?

[Danny Kelly]

Imagine all your. Imagine all your golf stress and imagine how stressed you get about golf. But imagine if it was for work and imagine if all of your. If being bad at golf meant you sucked at your job.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

And then suddenly you're like, oh my God, maybe this wouldn't be super fun. Basketball, clearly. I think basketball is at a tier of its own. Being an NBA player, you're paid so much money to not play. It is unbelievable. You can get two or three million dollars, you might not play a whole season.

[Danny Hyphens]

You have to be practicing all the time.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, exactly.

[Craig Horlbach]

I think tennis is like that too, Craig.

[Danny Kelly]

Tennis, famously. I think that you have to practice a lot because also tennis, you have to do logistics. Basketball player, you're the 12th man. You don't have to fucking figure out how you're getting to Houston for the game tomorrow.

[Danny Hyphens]

You know what?

[Craig Horlbach]

Sports sounds terrible to me. Swimming. Just constantly swimming. Brutal.

[Danny Kelly]

Michael Phelps. I would rather not. I'd rather just have a normal childhood than win eight medals and be Michael

[Craig Horlbach]

Phelps, be the greatest Olympian of all time.

[Danny Kelly]

I mean, that sounds hard. I don't want to do that.

[Craig Horlbach]

It does sound hard.

[Danny Hyphens]

I mean, a lot of those Olympic event type sports are tough. I mean, even if you're the best in the world, which is obviously an incredible accomplishment. Like, unless you are Michael Phelps, you are not that famous. You are not that rich, you are. It's incredibly difficult. Like, obviously the reward internally, I'm sure, is massive, but the external rewards are not super high.

[Danny Kelly]

Do we know why Katie Ledecky is so good at swimming? Have we figured this out yet? It's just, she just tries hard, you know, the event. I forget what the event is.

[Danny Hyphens]

She just tries to. Why is anyone good at anything?

[Danny Kelly]

No, but, you know. No, but it's like different, you know, so the, the, the. I think it's the 15. Google it.

[Craig Horlbach]

Katie.

[Danny Kelly]

No, but she has the 18 of the top 20 times ever. Yeah, like she literally, it's like the best 20 times ever in this event. It's just, it's, it's like the nf. It's like the highest rated programs every year. It's like football. She's like the football of long distance swimming.

[Danny Hyphens]

But you're, you're asking why is she so good at it?

[Danny Kelly]

Even Michael Phelps, no one's ever done in, in swimming what she's done with this event. It's like, like, no, Tiger woods doesn't have the top 20 scores at Augusta national, at the majors. Like, Michael Phelps never had the top 20 times an event. Like, it's not like she held the world record. It's like everyone else is behind her 17th best time.

[Craig Horlbach]

Do you want to know, do you want to know what Gemini says about this? Ifits so there's a unique. She has a unique combination of aerobic capacity, highly efficient gallop stroke technique, which apparently. Hold on. She has.

[Danny Hyphens]

She's a physical freak.

[Craig Horlbach]

She has, that's. Well, she does have broad shoulders apparently, which helps, but she has. Unlike many swimmers who rely on a strong kick, Ledecky often uses a two beat kick, allowing her to conserve energy in her legs while using her upper body and core to keep her body horizontal and reduce drag. So there's maybe there is some biomechanics about, obviously with, with, with Michael Phelps. Like he was born to be a swimmer in terms of just his body type. He had like flippers for feet and hands. He had, he's like water world. He has like webbed feet. So maybe that helps. But you know, I think there is some biomechanics and also she's just really fucking trains really hard.

[Danny Hyphens]

That question is tricky because it's like, why, why is Rory McElroy good at golf?

[Danny Kelly]

Well, that. Why he can hit the ball hard is Actually interesting because Rory hits the ball about as far as anybody, but he's kind of the shortest player on the tour.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, he's very strong.

[Danny Kelly]

And the answer is. But the answer is he holds his arms out as straight as possible and swings with a broader. Like he's.

[Danny Hyphens]

He's literally creates as much like momentum and velocity room. But like. I don't know. It's like, why is Tiger woods good at golf? I don't know. He just is.

[Danny Kelly]

He played a lot. Honestly, the answer is always. Well, they started because he practiced a lot.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah, sounds tough.

[Danny Kelly]

Played 54 holes a day for 35 years.

[Danny Hyphens]

Combination of like raw physical God. God given gifts with work ethic and, you know. And luck.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yes.

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't know.

[Danny Kelly]

Competitiveness. Should I. Should I keep going here with a couple purges?

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

Well, we have one more sports one and then some non sports ones.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay.

[Danny Kelly]

The last sports one I have is from Aaron.

[Danny Hyphens]

A bone.

[Danny Kelly]

This is a bone.

[Danny Hyphens]

A. A bone.

[Danny Kelly]

A. A bone. Yes. Correct. A rod. So this is from. This is about the Athletics and again, the baseball team. The baseball team.

[Craig Horlbach]

Baseball team, yes.

[Danny Kelly]

The team that negotiate left its lease

[Danny Hyphens]

in its team that shall not be named.

[Danny Kelly]

So again left its team in the bay, but didn't have a stadium built, so there were no men's land. So Aaron says currently the Athletics are temporarily playing baseball in their triple A stadium in Sacramento. Instead of moving the Athletics to Las Vegas, the MLB should just move the Athletics from city to city every single season. So for example, in 27 traveling sideshow. Yeah, they're the Globetrotters, they're the Oklahoma City Athletics, and then they can be the next season. They could be the Nashville Athletics or the Orlando Athletics and they can have a lottery system and televise it where the Athletics will play each year.

[Danny Hyphens]

So. But they'd have to build a baseball stadium in all these cities.

[Danny Kelly]

Well, so Aaron wrote, as long as

[Craig Horlbach]

you don't think about. We're going to think about how many stadiums we're going to have.

[Danny Hyphens]

You know what they should do? They should just get rid of the A's and replace them with the Savannah Bananas.

[Craig Horlbach]

I know they saw the success of this. The Savannah Bananas can fucking sell out anything. I love every one of their games is sold out. When was the last time the A's sold out a game?

[Danny Kelly]

It's true, dude. I couldn't get to the lottery to get into the lottery for the Savannah Bananas. I lost the first lottery for the larger lottery to get tickets for the

[Craig Horlbach]

A's are just playing on Stilts,

[Danny Kelly]

the flaming bats. Dude, the idea that the third out of any inning, if you catch it, as a fan, if you catch a foul ball, you're out for the third is like the best rule I've ever heard.

[Craig Horlbach]

Dude, what's the rule?

[Danny Kelly]

It's if the final out of an inning.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

So when there's two outs in the inning, if you follow a ball off as a batter, if a fan catches it in the stands, you're out.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, that's great.

[Danny Kelly]

Which is awesome.

[Craig Horlbach]

Dude, did you see the guy who the. He was the left fielder for the Bananas and he caught a fly ball and did a backflip in the. In like. It was actually. I was like, wow, this guy could actually maybe play baseball.

[Danny Kelly]

Dude, that guy has a better arm after a backflip than Roman Anthony from left field. Any Roman, he's 11.

[Craig Horlbach]

Hopping it to the. To home base.

[Danny Hyphens]

Dude, last week the Savannah Bananas filled the Texas A and M football stadium. Over a hundred thousand people showed up.

[Danny Kelly]

Dude, I. They're the Globetrotters. They're so great. They're, they're, they're amaz. That guy is like Willy Wonka for baseball.

[Craig Horlbach]

Who do they play?

[Danny Hyphens]

And he's like, never sell me as much as you want. I'm never selling.

[Danny Kelly]

Vince McMahon and Willy Wonka had a baby that loves baseball. They play this team called the Firefighters. It's smart. It's. They.

[Craig Horlbach]

Do they play the same team every time?

[Danny Kelly]

I think, yeah, they're like.

[Craig Horlbach]

I was like, is it the Globetrotters where the other team never wins?

[Danny Kelly]

Three teams now? No, they can lose, but it's called the Firemen and they. I think they're adding two more teams, but.

[Craig Horlbach]

So the other guys on the other teams, are they like the understudies of the. The starting lineup of the Savannah Bananas. Then are they kind of like all on the same tour?

[Danny Kelly]

I have no idea. So here's no idea.

[Danny Hyphens]

Here are the teams they play. They play primarily the Party Animals, the Firefighters and the Texas Tailgaters, the Firefighter, and then new to 20.

[Craig Horlbach]

That'll get the women in the stands. There we go.

[Danny Hyphens]

That's right. And then two new teams this year. The Indianapolis Clowns and the Loco Beach Coconuts.

[Craig Horlbach]

Loco Beach.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, the Clowns.

[Craig Horlbach]

Wait, so there's like five. There's five teams in this league. Sorry, six teams. Do they play each other on non banana games? Is this a real league, is what I'm asking, or is this just purely like Cirque du Soleil, it's called.

[Danny Kelly]

I don't know, I've never been to Cirque du Soleil. I really want to go. I've never.

[Craig Horlbach]

Let's start a fantasy league based on the bananas.

[Danny Kelly]

TK I remember TK Once, I think the first take perch. You told me Cirque du Soleil is better than any sports game I've ever seen.

[Craig Horlbach]

I'm not even kidding. I. When I was. I was bogging for field goals about the Seahawks, and I went to. I went to a Cirque du Soleil thing, and I was like, somebody should be blogging about this, because it's the greatest sporting event I've ever seen. These are the greatest athletes I've ever witnessed.

[Danny Kelly]

I've never been. I really know what it is to

[Craig Horlbach]

be actually blows your mind. The. That they can do. It's insane. There's, like, three guys standing on each other's shoulders, and then a third guy swings from out of view, does a. Does a triple backflip, and lands on the fourth guy shoulders.

[Danny Hyphens]

Like the.

[Craig Horlbach]

That they do is insane. I actually don't think it's possible. I don't understand how they do it. And they do a show once a night for probably half the year.

[Danny Hyphens]

What DK Just explained is one of the million reasons why the Internet has ruined everything. Because that is. He's right. Like, that is. Is. We're so numb to everything now that I'd, like, scroll through that at 1:00am Be like, oh, cool, and just go to the next thing. That's, like, the craziest thing you've ever seen. Like, there are people who could, like, bounce 15 spinning plates on a stick,

[Craig Horlbach]

dude, I'm telling you, 100.

[Danny Hyphens]

You can fucking ever my whole life and never figure that out, and nobody gives a.

[Danny Kelly]

That was my take.

[Craig Horlbach]

Craig with the. The spinning. The spinning plates woman who's really famous, who does all the halftime shows, which, by the way, I've seen her live before at a sonic scale.

[Danny Hyphens]

She's like, cycle balancing 15 plates.

[Danny Kelly]

She's been doing it for, like, 30 years, baby.

[Craig Horlbach]

Anyway, I still up. I think this morning, I up putting in my contacts. I like, drop my contact. I'm like. I've been doing this every day since I was in seventh grade, and I still can't get it. How the hell does she do this for every halftime show? It's insane. The people that. The people that do these, you know, Cirque du Soleil and all the different, like, acts that are similar, it's very, very.

[Danny Hyphens]

There was a woman who. This is gonna be hard to describe. I think it was on America's Got Talent or like one of those shows, X Factor or something. I don't know. And she balances sticks on one another like these. They're like long. Like, literally like branches from a tree. And she'll have a big long one, and then she'll take a second one and she'll kind of balance it on it to where she can let go. And the stick is balancing on. On one twig. And then she'll. And keep stacking them up. And by the end, there's like 25 sticks all perfectly balanced. And then she sets it down on the ground and walks away. And it is perfectly balancing. And then she just knocks it over. And it's the craziest shit you've ever seen in your life.

[Craig Horlbach]

That is, actually.

[Danny Kelly]

And then you just swipe past like,

[Craig Horlbach]

you don't even make it halfway through.

[Danny Hyphens]

Don't even. Yeah. I'm like, this is boring. Why is it. Why isn't there, like, a video game playing underneath this? Why is it. Need for Speed playing underneath so I can finish this.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, my God.

[Danny Hyphens]

Anyway, I'll try to find that video. It blew my mind.

[Craig Horlbach]

What were we talking about?

[Danny Kelly]

I don't know. More purges.

[Danny Hyphens]

Oh, yeah. The A's need to just be a traveling freak show.

[Danny Kelly]

Cirque du Soles.

[Craig Horlbach]

There we go. High Fitz. Well done.

[Danny Hyphens]

Oh, the Cirque du Soleil.

[Danny Kelly]

This episode is brought to you by Weathertech. Everyone knows winter is the MVP and making a mess. You don't need Weathertech floor liners in the summer. Unless you hit the beach or go camping. Then you'd want a cargo liner or a road trip goes sideways. Ketchup goes rogue. Ice cream drips. Yeah, you'd be pretty happy about those Weathertech seat protectors. So just to be clear as the mud, you're inevitably going to step into the summer. You don't need Weathertech unless you plan on doing summer. Visit weathertech.com today. This episode is brought to you by Boar's Head. What if we told you the taste of deep fried turkey is now available at your local deli? Well, Boar's Head just did that. Bursting with flavor, perfectly seasoned with that indulgent taste that usually means planning your whole day around it. Presenting the Friar's turkey breast only from Boar's Head, a backyard tradition now available behind the counter. Visit your local deli today. Discover the craftsmanship behind every bite. Boar's Head, committed to craft since 1905. All right, these are not football purges or sports purges. These are Just other purges. This is from Starstruck by London. I don't know what that means.

[Craig Horlbach]

S Bone.

[Danny Kelly]

S Bone.

[Craig Horlbach]

I don't know. Maybe he thinks London's great.

[Danny Kelly]

They'll tell you what S Bone thinks.

[Craig Horlbach]

Okay?

[Danny Kelly]

S Bones take purges. Billy Joel is a talentless, rhymey, rhymey sea shanty singer. Pulled the wool over the everyman's eyes for 50 singer.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, what a take.

[Danny Hyphens]

Jesus Christ.

[Craig Horlbach]

He's not Starstruck by Canada.

[Danny Hyphens]

I think Billy Joel fucked this guy's wife.

[Craig Horlbach]

I know, right?

[Danny Hyphens]

What the hell did Billy Joel do to you? Do you think this guy is actually like. Like the biggest. Was one day was in the past. Like the biggest Billy Joel fan in the world and he met him in a coffee shop.

[Craig Horlbach]

Wait, why did I think Billy Joel is Canadian? He's American.

[Danny Kelly]

I don't know why you thought that either. Either.

[Craig Horlbach]

Wait, who's the. Who's the very famous generically named Canadian singer? There's got to be one.

[Danny Hyphens]

Michael Buble.

[Danny Kelly]

How dare you, sir.

[Danny Hyphens]

Celine Dion.

[Craig Horlbach]

I'll find it. I'll find it.

[Danny Hyphens]

That's. I love when people just, like, randomly hate, like, an actor.

[Danny Kelly]

So my friend Andrew loves Billy Joel. His whole family loves Billy Joel, and his wife hates Billy Joel. So he's like, not allowed to play Billy Joel anymore.

[Danny Hyphens]

Oh, wow. It was just like, is Billy Joel a divisive artist?

[Danny Kelly]

I don't know. I mean, in New York, obviously, it's very popular. He's got like the resident. I forget if he's still doing it, but he just had like a. Endless residency at the Garden. He would just play once a month at the Garden indefinitely.

[Danny Hyphens]

I feel like Billy Joel forever is one of the more well liked. Like, I feel like if you go up to somebody, you're like, oh, you know, I love Billy Joel. They're like, of course, of course. Of course. Billy Joel. Yeah.

[Craig Horlbach]

By the way, the. The name I was. I. I confused him with is Brian Adams. Another. Another two first name guy, because I

[Danny Kelly]

don't really know who he was. I was confused by that dude.

[Danny Hyphens]

Vienna.

[Danny Kelly]

Vienna's one of Jackie's favorite songs.

[Danny Hyphens]

So good.

[Craig Horlbach]

So this take is not going over well with. With you guys.

[Danny Kelly]

No, I mean, it's. It caught my eye though.

[Danny Hyphens]

We One time in. Was it middle school or high school? We had to write our own. We didn't start the fire. But like, we'd like, replace it with other historical things. It's kind of. It was fun.

[Danny Kelly]

I want to do an Internet. We didn't start the fire. I'm sure. People have done this, but I think an amount. Similar amount of crazy things have happened on the Internet since we start the fire.

[Danny Hyphens]

We didn't. What's. But, like, what's the name of the song? I feel like it has to be tweaked.

[Danny Kelly]

We didn't see the dress. I don't know.

[Danny Hyphens]

We didn't start the firewall.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, we. Oh, there you go. That was easy.

[Danny Hyphens]

We didn't start the Firefox.

[Danny Kelly]

We didn't start the firewall. Oh, Firefox.

[Danny Hyphens]

Damn.

[Craig Horlbach]

Shout out. Shout out people who still use Firefox,

[Danny Hyphens]

you know, shout out to the one person out there to other

[Danny Kelly]

Firefox users. Are women listening to the show. I. One of seven women over. Under seven.

[Danny Hyphens]

We know. We're referring to them as the seven.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, the seven. The seven women.

[Danny Hyphens]

The high council of women. And when we pray at the altar of the seven. How many Firefox users?

[Craig Horlbach]

Dude, 150 to 200 million active users.

[Danny Hyphens]

All right, once. DK just got canceled for a third time.

[Danny Kelly]

Time.

[Danny Hyphens]

Now that he disrespected Firefox.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah. They're coming after you. Okay, wait, I have another one here. This is from Tom G. So that

[Danny Hyphens]

guy just hates Billy Joel?

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, he hates Billy Joel.

[Craig Horlbach]

Didn't give any reasons.

[Danny Kelly]

Doesn't like him.

[Craig Horlbach]

This is from Tom G. Shanty's ass Singer.

[Danny Kelly]

Tom G's take purges generic brand Jar Salsa is better than Mexican restaurant table.

[Danny Hyphens]

No. Okay, that's a bad take.

[Danny Kelly]

But I think that's the greatest thing I've ever heard.

[Danny Hyphens]

It's a good hot take.

[Danny Kelly]

Take. It's a good hot take.

[Danny Hyphens]

He's talking about, like, a pace.

[Craig Horlbach]

New York City.

[Danny Hyphens]

Paul Newman salsa.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, it's.

[Craig Horlbach]

Paul Newman Salsa is pretty good, actually.

[Danny Kelly]

He.

[Craig Horlbach]

He was a good salsa me.

[Danny Hyphens]

Tk Honestly, that would go well with your daily quesadilla.

[Craig Horlbach]

My. No. Here's my take in response to this. I don't.

[Danny Kelly]

I don't.

[Craig Horlbach]

Craig, that's fine. It's a good. It's a good. I think restaurant salsa is. I. I don't even like any jar salsa. Basically. Like. Like, I don't even bother buying it because it's just nowhere near as good as the restaurant.

[Danny Hyphens]

I think restaurants like a good Mexican restaurant. Salsa is one of earth's finest pleasures.

[Craig Horlbach]

It's fresh.

[Danny Hyphens]

Love it.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah. It's genuine. It's got all the, like, actual. Like, they cut the veggies up earlier that day and put them in there. I don't know. Yeah, I don't. I don't like. I Don't like.

[Danny Kelly]

They cut the vegetables up earlier that day. Okay, this one's freshness matters with salsa. Yeah.

[Craig Horlbach]

The other thing that's weird about salsa is salsa in Spanish just translates to sauce, which I just always think is kind of strange.

[Danny Hyphens]

What should it translate to?

[Craig Horlbach]

I don't know. It just. It makes it seem so much less like, I don't know, exotic or something. Oh, you're dipping your chip in a sauce. Okay.

[Danny Hyphens]

Isn't it like chai tea? Doesn't chai just mean tea?

[Craig Horlbach]

I think so, actually, yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

So you're just saying tt.

[Danny Kelly]

That's incredible.

[Danny Hyphens]

Which is how you get rid of hiccups, right? I haven't seen a. Oh, dude.

[Craig Horlbach]

Are we ever gonna give people the answers for that, by the way?

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, I gotta do that. I forgot.

[Craig Horlbach]

There's millions of people out there right now having hiccups.

[Danny Hyphens]

I'll tell you the answer. There ain't one.

[Danny Kelly]

Doctors waiting out. You want me to pull them up?

[Craig Horlbach]

Might as well.

[Danny Kelly]

I'll do it in the mailbag. I don't have them right now. All right. This one's from Partner. Partner.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay.

[Craig Horlbach]

P Bump.

[Danny Hyphens]

It's better be good.

[Danny Kelly]

All cars should be the same, and it's absurd that they are not.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay.

[Craig Horlbach]

Doesn't like the idea of choice in life. The. The what is it the myth of choice or what is it?

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, the illusion of the paradox of choice.

[Craig Horlbach]

Paradox of choice. Yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

So he wants everyone to be driving around in like a Toyota Tacoma, like. Or everybody's in one, like, black Honda Accord. And that's it.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, it caught my eye. I don't agree with this take, but I. It made me laugh. I won't lie.

[Craig Horlbach]

I'm gonna say something.

[Danny Kelly]

The. The.

[Craig Horlbach]

The. I don't know how they work. I don't think they work very well. But the style and aesthetic of Soviet era sedans is kind of elite. They're cool looking. Every time I watch like some old movie based, based on like, like a cold war movie, and we're talking like Eastern Europe, the cars they're driving around in are cool.

[Danny Kelly]

Are you kidding me?

[Craig Horlbach]

They probably don't work very well, but I don't know, man.

[Danny Kelly]

The Soviet sedan aesthetic, they're sick looking.

[Craig Horlbach]

Look at these. They're like square, boxy.

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't know, I actually, I get this. I get this.

[Craig Horlbach]

I kind of just think they're the coolest looking cars.

[Danny Hyphens]

And you kind of picture like a giant Russian man who can barely fit

[Craig Horlbach]

in there driving, just smoking a cigarette. Yeah. I don't think that they probably run that well.

[Danny Hyphens]

Austin just texted us that aerodynamics ruined car design.

[Craig Horlbach]

That's actually a good take because everything

[Danny Hyphens]

is so curved and sleek now.

[Danny Kelly]

That's why we have the Tesla handles.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. Because everyone's driving like a Nerf football now. Instead, I want some big, chunky, blocky thing that's.

[Craig Horlbach]

This is. This is an offshoot. This is an offshoot of my take. I basically think the square aesthetics were the best.

[Danny Hyphens]

I mean, I just think older cars in general, look. Also, cars used to have more color. Now every car is just, like, slate gray and slate blue. And this is my.

[Danny Kelly]

This is my big take is I do think we need to bring colors back. I don't know why we got rid of them. Grays.

[Danny Hyphens]

Every car, Millennial gray.

[Danny Kelly]

Millennial gray and gray and beige. Everything's gray and silver and dark gray and a little gray, and it's like a dog's vision. It's insane. And I. I got a suitcase. Buying a suitcase. Every suitcase is black and gray. You know what I did? I brought a bright blue suitcase.

[Craig Horlbach]

I did notice that. Yeah. I was like, you're making a statement with that thing.

[Danny Kelly]

Like, you. You look at the baggage claim next time you're going through, and it's like, everyone's suitcase is black or gray. And I'm like, I'll find it easier. But I'm like, bring. Bring cool colors back. Like. Like, who the hell is the last person you knew? It brought, like, a bright green car. But you should be able to do that.

[Danny Hyphens]

They're trying to muzzle us. They don't want individualism. That's what.

[Danny Kelly]

Exactly.

[Danny Hyphens]

They don't. That's what this guy want you to stand out. They want you to fear standing out.

[Craig Horlbach]

This guy wants everyone to have the same car. Craig.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. Who. Maybe he lives in Soviet Russia.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

Sorry.

[Danny Hyphens]

I just bought a very colorful golf bag, and I'm enjoying it.

[Danny Kelly]

What color?

[Danny Hyphens]

It's multicolored. It's like green and blue and red. It's.

[Danny Kelly]

I love that for you. Are you playing well? How are you playing?

[Danny Hyphens]

It's like now. Now the season has just begun. Usually it's like late April. Early May is when I really start to get into things. I played 36 holes the weekend of the draft, and I played.

[Danny Kelly]

Okay, so that's what you were.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. The weekend of the draft, I was like, Kaden Wet.

[Danny Kelly]

Jen.

[Danny Hyphens]

What's his name?

[Danny Kelly]

Katie Wet Jet Wet Gen. Yeah. Getting the call in the track.

[Danny Hyphens]

It's We. It's wheat ouijin.

[Danny Kelly]

I don't know.

[Craig Horlbach]

I think so it's not wet. No. The no context ringer Instagram account, like, was correcting me on this. I got it wrong.

[Danny Hyphens]

Wet gen stats.

[Craig Horlbach]

Wet gen.

[Danny Hyphens]

I'm gonna do wet gen stats.

[Craig Horlbach]

Are they as good as picket stats? Can I pick it?

[Danny Kelly]

Stats.

[Danny Hyphens]

Wet gems. Web gems.

[Danny Kelly]

Web gems are web gems. I like. I like.

[Craig Horlbach]

So those still exist list?

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, they do somewhere.

[Danny Hyphens]

Do they?

[Craig Horlbach]

Does.

[Danny Hyphens]

He has. Does SportsCenter still do top 10?

[Danny Kelly]

They do. I can't believe they never put that on the Internet. That was what a miss.

[Danny Hyphens]

I know. That was like the greatest.

[Danny Kelly]

What can you imagine having the top week?

[Craig Horlbach]

Dude, web gems. Think about it.

[Danny Kelly]

The top 10 top 10 worldwide web disappearing from culture is like the beginning of the Internet ruining our lives.

[Danny Hyphens]

I know. I used to love SC top 10.

[Danny Kelly]

It was the only thing that mattered the whole day.

[Danny Hyphens]

It also, like, let you know genuinely. It was the most efficient way to figure out, like, what happened in sports that week.

[Danny Kelly]

Week. It defined. It defined the day and the week. Yeah. Well, every day, though, they. The top 10 plays from yesterday and then the top 10 plays of the week. They had the. Not top 10 for a few years. The Buff went 40 for 40. Oh, my God. These. Put that on Instagram. How hard is it? Anyway? Okay, couple more here. We already touched. We got one from another one from BFP that said men don't really need balls in their 40s. We talked about that. That. But I. I want to actually do a followup to a purge.

[Craig Horlbach]

We talked about that already. Yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

Men should get their ball ballsy straight removed. Then you don't have to deal with getting hit in the nuts.

[Danny Kelly]

That's true. You don't have to worry about it. Think he was like, you look weird as. You look weird without balls. As if balls don't look weird for

[Craig Horlbach]

Just because it feels right.

[Danny Hyphens]

If you could. If you could make sure that you still get the appropriate amount of testosterone and whatever else testicles do. If you can figure that out, you don't need them.

[Craig Horlbach]

I like them. I want them. I want to keep them. How dare you. Don't take. Don't try and take my balls away. Okay? Literally.

[Danny Kelly]

You guys ever seen the Rick and Morty where they, like, let the dogs talk and they're just like, where are our balls?

[Danny Hyphens]

Where.

[Danny Kelly]

What did you do with them? Anyway, this was from Drew Debone. Drew, someone said up take purge a couple weeks ago that I love. That was. Lions are the worst cats.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah.

[Danny Kelly]

Which was incredible. And so the take was basically lions or watered down cats for dog people. They hunt.

[Craig Horlbach]

They're lazy.

[Danny Kelly]

Lazy. So Drew wrote in during Tom's excellent take purge about lines being the worst cats. Danny Kelly said, but lions have a good roar. It turns out that even the lion's roar is just a result of great prison.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, is it not real?

[Danny Kelly]

When people think of the lion roar, they think of the MGM lion.

[Craig Horlbach]

Right?

[Danny Kelly]

That roars before movies start. But the MGM lion roar is actually a tiger.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, shit.

[Danny Hyphens]

Really?

[Craig Horlbach]

It actually does make sense. I can, I can see that now.

[Danny Kelly]

So this is a quote from Mark Mangini, who is the sound editor responsible for making the mgm. This is on Mark Mangini's website. Mark Benjini gave an interview toward the end of his life. And I'm going to read a quote now from the sound editor who made that MGM intro. This is a quote from him. The sound that one would hear when a lion roars is something more akin to Mark Mangini to a giant yawn. And that awe inspiring open mouth gape is actually accompanied by something sounding more like a beast that wants to take a nap. Exactly, exactly. It's a big yawn. And then Mark. So he writes, I thought that's not really going to inspire movie audiences world round. And I felt it was treason not to use lion sounds, but they just didn't sound all that terrifying. So I substituted like smacking his lips. Yeah, I just substituted tiger roars. They sounded bigger and more majestic. That's the truth. That's all I have to say about it.

[Craig Horlbach]

That actually does make so much sense now that now that I'm picturing when I've heard tigers just roaring or whatever, I'm like, oh, that, that's what I was thinking of. A lion.

[Danny Hyphens]

That's, that's movie magic, man.

[Craig Horlbach]

What else are they lying to us about?

[Danny Kelly]

What else? Yeah, dude. But now I can't. Now you're right, dk. Now that I see it, I'm like, yeah, that is a tiger making that sound over a lion.

[Danny Hyphens]

Lions are lying.

[Danny Kelly]

They'd be lying out here.

[Danny Hyphens]

They'd be lying.

[Danny Kelly]

Why are you always lying?

[Danny Hyphens]

They're lying to you. They're lying on the ground like a lazy dude.

[Danny Kelly]

Lions kind of suck.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, Again, once again, when you're five feet from a lion, I'd love to know if you had the same take.

[Danny Kelly]

Well, on that note, we actually got another purge about you and killing animals in a safari.

[Danny Hyphens]

Killing animals?

[Danny Kelly]

Well, you said, which animal could you fight and win if your mother's life

[Craig Horlbach]

was on the line?

[Danny Hyphens]

Right. And I, I, I contended that an, that an Ostrich and I would. Would go 10 rounds.

[Craig Horlbach]

So we have a very compelling knot.

[Danny Kelly]

We have a very compelling argument. He's just like bow tie, double knot. That.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. I'd have that thing looking like a pretzel.

[Danny Kelly]

We have a compelling case here that you. The animal you should pick is a cheetah.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay. I once I, I saw one of those there didn't want to. Didn't want to deal with.

[Craig Horlbach]

Well they want to tassel.

[Danny Hyphens]

They're not that big but they're.

[Danny Kelly]

They're not that big. So they don't. So I'll so basically.

[Danny Hyphens]

But are bonita fish big? They run 70 miles an hour. So yeah, they're pretty fast.

[Craig Horlbach]

This guy's problem,

[Danny Kelly]

The the take with this you could kill a cheetahs. Cheetahs are basically just the Xavier worthy of the animal kingdom. Wow. They can run really fast but they're not really good be in close combat. The running doesn't really help you. If it's one on one combat I

[Danny Hyphens]

would lose to a fucking cheetah.

[Craig Horlbach]

What am.

[Danny Kelly]

Well here's your better chance. Here's what. So they don't have retractable claws. The claws are basically just cleats. But they can't retract them. Which means because of all the running the claws are actually pretty dull by the Unlike every other animal with their little feet knives like they're not basically they could hurt you and bite you.

[Craig Horlbach]

But have you seen their teeth?

[Danny Kelly]

Yes, but it's not. But they're the smallest animals.

[Craig Horlbach]

I'm more scared of the teeth.

[Danny Kelly]

But the. Yeah okay. But that's what Craig's got to use his hands for the reach. Craig's got good reach. It's just like grabbing the jaw and like exactly. Well the bite, the pounds per square range you got no chance to hold.

[Craig Horlbach]

Your fingers are just open lopped off at that point. Well put your finger, don't put your hands in a cheetah's mouth.

[Danny Kelly]

Is the cheetah well I'm glad you asked that. Dk. The cheetah's pounds per square inch on their bite force only 400. A tiger is 1050.

[Craig Horlbach]

I feel like 400 could still do the job.

[Danny Hyphens]

I think so too.

[Craig Horlbach]

I don't like I like sometimes I'll scratch myself like, like cutting up cardboard.

[Danny Hyphens]

You know those things can climb trees. Like it would destroy me.

[Craig Horlbach]

Like I've gotten a paper cut before. That's really painful. I feel like a cheetah's teeth would. Would not go well for me.

[Danny Kelly]

Feel.

[Danny Hyphens]

Ah ah.

[Craig Horlbach]

I Don't know, man. I don't know about this. I think I'd rather take on an ostrich.

[Danny Hyphens]

Why are there. There's no. Why isn't the Cheetah more popular as a sports mascot?

[Danny Kelly]

Scott?

[Danny Hyphens]

Like a sports team name. Why are there no Cheetahs?

[Danny Kelly]

Because they're. And you could beat them.

[Danny Hyphens]

Cuz they're.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, you could beat them up. I don't know. Great. Beat them up.

[Craig Horlbach]

I don't know. I'm sorry, did you say Cheetahs are.

[Danny Kelly]

Kick their ass. That's why get me Cheetahs. I don't know. Well, the Cheetos really got it. The Cheetos really made that guy kind of seem. He seems like he parting pretty cool. Like partying pretty cool. Hard.

[Craig Horlbach]

That Cheetos mascot being the fastest land animal.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. Like why aren't they. Why isn't there like the. You know, whatever some.

[Danny Kelly]

What's with all the wild cats? You get a 100 wild cats.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. Be a cheetah or a leopard. There's no leopards. Also. That's also not a team. Common team name.

[Craig Horlbach]

Why? Yeah, Calvin favorite animal is a leopard.

[Danny Hyphens]

Dude, leopards are sick. When I was in Africa, I saw one in a tree.

[Craig Horlbach]

Or maybe it's jaguar. He likes jaguars more, aren't they? He loves all big cats.

[Danny Kelly]

I think. Jaguars.

[Craig Horlbach]

Jaguars.

[Danny Hyphens]

So he's a barstool fan.

[Craig Horlbach]

Sorry, wait, did you say jaguar and leopard are the same thing?

[Danny Hyphens]

No, leopards and jaguars not. Are not.

[Craig Horlbach]

Well, they're distinguished by geography, spots and build. So they're similar but not the same.

[Danny Kelly]

But a jaguar. Is it the same as a cougar? We've done this before.

[Craig Horlbach]

No. Panther is the same as a cougar.

[Danny Kelly]

Panther is a jaguars and mountain lion.

[Craig Horlbach]

Lion and puma and. And some other things.

[Danny Kelly]

Panther is a jaguar, I think.

[Craig Horlbach]

Hold on now. I'm not sure. Panthers and jaguars. Is mountain lions and. And mountain lions different?

[Danny Kelly]

I've seen mountain lions. I think mountain lions are wild. Craig, you see a mountain lion in LA the other day?

[Danny Hyphens]

There are mountain lions running around LA occasionally big ones.

[Craig Horlbach]

Sorry, I was thinking cougars versus mountain lions, which are the same thing.

[Danny Kelly]

Cougars are mountain lions.

[Craig Horlbach]

And pumas like mountain lion in the

[Danny Kelly]

car for Ricky Bobby. Doesn't hit the same. It's got to be a cougar.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah, there's a cougar in there.

[Danny Hyphens]

Tennessee Titans, dude. Tennessee Cheetahs. I'd be into that. The helmets.

[Danny Kelly]

I like the idea that titan's not good enough for you. A Titan. Stronger than the gods.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah. Imagine like you know, is the spotted helmet. Would that be cooler Lance game.

[Craig Horlbach]

Oh, that'd be kind of sick. I like that the Bengals got the Bengal stripes.

[Danny Kelly]

I don't know. The Bengals have. It's pretty great.

[Danny Hyphens]

The Ram with the. The spiral ram.

[Danny Kelly]

The Rams kind of sucks.

[Craig Horlbach]

Like why I like the Rams.

[Danny Hyphens]

Why does a Ram get to be a team name and not a Cheeto?

[Danny Kelly]

I have no idea why the game

[Danny Hyphens]

gets to be crazy to me.

[Danny Kelly]

I feel like that was from when we were more like religious country Rams in the Bible. I'm like, we sacrificed the them. That's crazy.

[Danny Hyphens]

Ram.

[Danny Kelly]

Ram is just also I. I am. What are you going to see a Ram, man? I. We going to get you going, little Ram.

[Danny Hyphens]

We should rename Rams.

[Craig Horlbach]

Will you up, man.

[Danny Kelly]

Should we rename every team?

[Danny Hyphens]

We should rename every team this summer.

[Danny Kelly]

Let's do that. Titans back to the Oilers. It. It's cool. Yeah.

[Danny Hyphens]

I think niche weird names like Oiler is cool.

[Danny Kelly]

You're going to get canceled too, though.

[Craig Horlbach]

Why? Because oil's bad.

[Danny Kelly]

Big oil.

[Danny Hyphens]

I said niche weird names.

[Danny Kelly]

Niche. Like oil niche business.

[Danny Hyphens]

You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

[Danny Kelly]

I got this little niche business. It's called oil. Okay, last one here and we'll get out of here.

[Craig Horlbach]

Let's do it. All right.

[Danny Kelly]

This is an email. This is from Jesse.

[Danny Hyphens]

Jesse,

[Danny Kelly]

I think bagels are the most overrated food of all time. Time.

[Danny Hyphens]

Okay, is there a follow up or is that it?

[Danny Kelly]

There's a follow up. So Jesse writes, I said this the other day in front of my friends. I have never seen a table of full grown men go into a complete psychosis faster than when I spat out the sentence that bagels are overrated. I was like it was suddenly fighting off 10 zombies from 28 days later. Everyone's voices instantly raised, followed by six people asking me if I have ever had a New York bagel and debated to know where exactly I had a New York bagel in order to accurately judge me. I didn't even say I don't like bagels. I like bagels. They're fine. They're a little too bready, probably too dense. And when you make a sandwich with one, it's a mess. And the bagel sandwich, you take a bite and unless it's wrapped in paper, the guts of the sandwich is squirt out the side. I prefer toast.

[Craig Horlbach]

This sounds like something I would say.

[Danny Kelly]

It does. That's why I read it. Jesse writes, this one really got me. People can't seem to handle this take. You need to Love bagels the way other people like bagels.

[Craig Horlbach]

This is a good category of things that, that trigger people. Seemingly innocuous things that really trigger people. Like bagel. Saying bagels are overrated because I never

[Danny Kelly]

had the right bagel.

[Craig Horlbach]

My initial reaction was like, terrible take. I love bagels. But I, but Heifetz is a New Yorker. So I mean maybe, maybe you have like more a visceral, you know, you have a connection to bagels from growing up and stuff like that.

[Danny Kelly]

But yeah, it is true. The first thing I'd say is, well, clearly you just don't know the New York bagels, which also the New York water being part of it. I just think it's like the biggest scam.

[Craig Horlbach]

Derogatory.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah, like that's true, but everyone's like, that's the water. I'm like, yeah, but I, I think

[Danny Hyphens]

we have reached the point where like, like regional food items being better in a certain area, I think that's okay.

[Danny Kelly]

Over.

[Danny Hyphens]

I think we've just like reached a point now where every major city can

[Craig Horlbach]

just, do we have the science?

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, like you can just find, you can find a good bagel in every major city. You can find good pizza in every major city.

[Danny Kelly]

I, I, this is going to be

[Craig Horlbach]

triggering because everyone, it's like, oh, it's the water.

[Danny Kelly]

I'm like, maybe it's because you had it when you were four and you lived there.

[Danny Hyphens]

I will say, I mean the, the difference between like a shitty store bought pre packaged bagel and a fresh bagel is massive.

[Danny Kelly]

The problem, again, I agree with what you're saying, like I live in, There are good bagels in dc, There are good bagels in la. The problem is it's not as many good bagels around you. So there's, what's a good bagel place in la? Like Noah's Bagels is good. The point though is it defeats the purpose, which is the, you're not supposed to drive 35 minutes to get a fucking bagel. You should be walking no more than 11 minutes to get a bagel.

[Danny Hyphens]

The ubiquity of them in New York. But also that's just New York because it's a very easy walkable city.

[Danny Kelly]

I mean, well, yes, but that, but every, but the point is in LA they have bagels, it's called a taco, which is a ubiquitous food available everywhere, of which anyone you trip into is probably going to be really good. Any taco in LA is probably good.

[Craig Horlbach]

Everyone's got their favorite tacos.

[Danny Kelly]

Yeah. And it's like Any. The pizza in New York, it's not about going to get the best pizza in the city. It's that any pizza, New York is probably really good. You're Never more than 15 minutes from great pizza or a great bagel. And, like, that's what you need to find. It's not like in Texas where you're like, barbecue. You'll go a long way to get the best barbecue. And, like, it's not like that.

[Danny Hyphens]

I do think that we've reached, like, a critical mass with food reviewing. Like, I don't. I don't think food can get any better than it already is. And I think where there's a bubble going on with, like. Like these people who travel around these food influencers, and they go to some restaurant, they're like, trying the viral chicken crispy chicken sandwich, and then they bite into it. It's like the slaw really balances out the. The heat from the sandwich and the crunch of the chicken. It's like, that can't get any better. Like. Like, you. You go and you try it and you're like, this can only be so good. Like, it can only be a chicken breast fried in batter with vegetables and a sauce.

[Danny Kelly]

I.

[Danny Hyphens]

In the. In the. The. The fucking Ponzi scheme video makes you think that it will be a euphoric experience. And then you go and you eat it and you're like, yes, it is good. But, like, it there. It can't meet the expectation that the Internet sets. It's impossible.

[Danny Kelly]

Possible. It's true.

[Craig Horlbach]

It's a bubble. It's a bubble.

[Danny Kelly]

You know what I want to see? I want to see someone go and review. Just go and eat stuff in the supermarket.

[Danny Hyphens]

I just. The reviews are all. It's always like, everyone's obsessed with crunch. It's like the cr. Listen to this crunch on this chicken tender. It's like, okay.

[Craig Horlbach]

Got like, their little ASMR microphones right next to it.

[Danny Kelly]

It's like the judges on, like, Great British Baking show, and I'm like, they could be lying. They don't get to. I don't get to taste it. I have no idea.

[Danny Hyphens]

Idea.

[Danny Kelly]

They could be making this.

[Craig Horlbach]

Can I. Can I give a take about, please? Generally, food shows, while great. I don't like watching them just because it makes me so hungry.

[Danny Hyphens]

That's like such a. Like a. That's like a cringy mom take to me. What are you talking about?

[Craig Horlbach]

I don't like watching them because it's not enjoyable to watch, because then I get so hungry. I Just have to eat.

[Danny Hyphens]

Is that real or are you kind of just making a joke?

[Craig Horlbach]

No, I'm, I'm like, I, I. It's not enjoyable for me to watch during my Peak TV watching time, which is like 9:30 at night. Because then I'm just like, oh, I'm so hungry now.

[Danny Hyphens]

I don't watch.

[Craig Horlbach]

I mean, if I'm watching them before a meal, then sure, maybe it's the greatest thing.

[Danny Hyphens]

But if you're, but what if you like just ate dinner, is it enjoyable then or no?

[Craig Horlbach]

No, because then you're full. I don't know. Like, I'll watch like Anthony Bourdain shows. Amazing shows.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah.

[Craig Horlbach]

But I'm like, fuck, now I just want to drink a beer and eat. Eat some salty food or something. And I'm like, it's 9:30 at night. I'm gonna gain 30 pounds if I continue watching this show.

[Danny Hyphens]

I've never understood that. I don't know, people are always like, oh, I can't. It makes me so hungry.

[Craig Horlbach]

I'm like, well, delicious looking. It's more, it's more like my time to watch TV is so limited now that it's usually like 10 o' clock at night and I can't be eating food at 10 o'.

[Danny Kelly]

Clock.

[Danny Hyphens]

Yeah, I had in n out at midnight two nights ago and it me up for.

[Craig Horlbach]

Yeah, it's like your sleep is.

[Danny Hyphens]

The next day I woke up, I like didn't eat till noon the next day I tried to go on a run in the morning. It was, it was, I felt like a, felt like a fatty. Yeah, I was a mess.

[Craig Horlbach]

Craig, you were very upset with that take.

[Danny Hyphens]

I. To be honest, I've just, I've heard that so often and I'm like, that's

[Craig Horlbach]

just like, I don't know, it's, it's too effective. It makes me hungry. Okay. It's all. They're good shows though, objectively. I just can't watch them.

[Danny Kelly]

All right, I'm gonna end the show now. We're gonna have another mailbag next week. Email or. I actually don't know which of these episodes is running first, but we're recording this May 7th. It's the same day as the mailbag, so I don't know which I'm gonna get married in between. Thank you to dk. Thank you to Craig.

[Craig Horlbach]

That in there, huge flex I did.

[Danny Kelly]

Thank you to Carlos. Thank you Austin. Thank you Abu. Thank you Cam. Thank you everybody. Also, I'm gonna do some preemptive thank yous because a couple people very helpful with my wedding. I want to thank Hank's Oyster bar in Washington, D.C. absolutely phenomenal work. Thank you to Hank. Hank always.

[Danny Hyphens]

What if they blow it?

[Danny Kelly]

I trust them. That's how much I trust him. Thank you to Nate. Thank you to Leah. Thank you. Staff at Hank's Always for bar. Phenomenal work. And I want to thank muni on 14th street in DC. If you live in DC, 14th Street. Muni. Great bar. Honestly, best sports bar in the city. Shout out to Muni. Thank you. And 11 out of 10 then. Yeah. And of course, thank you, Lord Lauren.

[Craig Horlbach]

Thank you, Billy Joel the Goat. The American artist named Billy Joel.

[Danny Kelly]

Talentless, rhyming, rhymey se piano man.

[Danny Hyphens]

Give me a break.

[Craig Horlbach]

Sea shanties.

[Danny Hyphens]

Oh, that's. Go back to your shanties. Go back to your shanty belly, Joel.

[Craig Horlbach]

That's pretty good.

[Danny Kelly]

Goodbye. Everyone. Must be 21 plus and present in select states. For Kansas, an affiliation with Kansas Star Casino or 18 and present in D.C. kentucky or Wyoming. Gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER or 1-800-MY reset. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org chat in Connecticut or visit MD gamblinghelp.org in Maryland. Hope is here. Visit gambling helpline ma.org work or call 800-327-505, oh for 24. 7 support in Massachusetts or call 1-877-8-HOPE NY or text HOPE NY in New York. For Louisiana, call 1-877-7707, 7867.