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Hello, my friends. Welcome to the Ryan Leak podcast, where we love to keep things short and sweet for you each and every week. And today's episode is something that I have really, really struggled with over the last decade as things have grown in my life and grown in my career. And that is setting boundaries. Yeah, it's. It's a tough thing for me. And, you know, I think the temptation for me on podcast episodes or keynotes or sermons or wherever I am delivering any kind of content, the temptation is to just talk about things that I'm good at, that I'm an expert on, that I've done extensive research on, or that I've written a book about. But I actually think that there is a real connection made when I talk about things that I'm actually not good at. In fact, sometimes that content is better than the things that I am. I think I'm an expert on, or something like that, which I don't. I can't think of what that actual thing would be. But nevertheless, today I want to talk to you about this idea of setting boundaries, because I actually think it's difficult for a lot of people. And I think it's difficult because setting boundaries, it feels like it cost us something. And I think the reason most of us don't set them isn't that we don't know what we need. I think we actually know exactly what we need, and we're terrified of what it's going to cost us if we ask for it. I think we're afraid of being seen as difficult. I think we're afraid of being seen as cold. I think we're afraid of being seen as the one who couldn't handle it. So we keep saying yes to things that are slowly draining the life out of us because no feels expensive. So we'll say yes to the dinner that we absolutely don't have the bandwidth for. We'll say yes to volunteer because, well, we felt guilty about it, even though we know we probably should have passed on that. We'll say yes to the in law who has overstepped for the seventh time this year. We'll say yes to the late night text at 11:47pm because we would rather lose the sleep than have the conversation. And so what ends up happening is we say yes and yes and yes until somewhere around, you know, about nine months or so, we realize that maybe we don't know we actually even want anymore because we've said yes so long, we haven't asked ourselves what it is that we want because we are so concerned about what everybody else wants. And so I want to encourage you with a couple things today that I've had mentors and friends really encourage me with. The first is that a boundary is not a wall. It's a door with a lock on it. A boundary is not a wall. It's a door with a lock on it. So you decide who gets in under what conditions and what happens when they break the rules. Boundaries are not about being mean. They are about being clear. And here is what I've come to believe. You actually train people how to treat you. Every single time you say yes to something you should have said no to, you've just taught the room that the rules don't apply to them. Every time you let the late text get answered at midnight, you've taught them midnight is fair game. Every time you absorb a comment you should have addressed, you've taught them the comment was acceptable. Boundaries aren't punishment. They're instruction. You're teaching the people in your life how to be in relationship with you. And I've had to learn this the hard way with my own calendar for years. It's like I treated my time like it was a public utility. Like, if you need a meeting, you got a meeting. If you need a favor, you got a favor. And what I trained the people around me to expect was that Ryan is always available. Which sounds generous on the surface, but it also meant that the people who actually had a claim on my time, like my family and my closest friend, well, then they were getting whatever I had left over. That wasn't generosity, if I'm honest. That was disorganization dressed up in a yes. Brene Brown has spent years researching what makes for healthy relationships, and one of her most repeated findings is this. The most compassionate people she has studied are also the most boundaried, which is the opposite of what most of us would assume. So we've been told the kindest people are the ones who can't say no, but the research actually says the opposite. The kindest people are the ones who can, because they're not building up quiet resentment behind every yes. The second thing that I have been learning around boundaries is that boundaries are scary because they shatter an illusion. And I think this is the part that nobody really admits out loud. A lot of us have built our identity around being the one everybody likes. Oh, just want everybody to like us. We. We want to be the one that people look forward to being around. We want to be the one that everybody doesn't dislike, that they love the Accommodating one, the available one, the one who can handle it, the one with the smile on. And in boundaries, what they do is they crack that whole performance wide open. Because the moment you set a boundary, you have publicly declared something most of us are deathly afraid to say. I'm not everybody's friend. Everybody is not going to be close to me. And that's actually okay. But it's scary. I'm not going to pretend it's not. The first time you tell somebody no and watch them be disappointed in you and survive. That disappointment is one of the great hard moments of becoming an adult. But here's the. Here's the thing. What's worse is the alternative. What's worse is spending your life pretending you like everybody and hoping everybody likes you back. That's not reality. You don't like everybody and everybody doesn't like you, but pretending like, like you, like everybody and everybody likes you is, is a prison. That's not connection, that's performance. And performance is exhausting. The smile that's available to everyone slowly costs you the ability to actually be present with anyone. So if you're listening to this thinking, I need to set a boundary and I don't know how to start, here's what I would encourage you to do. Number one, give up the fantasy that everybody is going to be okay with you setting it. Some people won't be. And that is information. The ones who are the loudest about your boundary are usually the ones who are benefiting the most from you not having one. And that tells you everything you need to know about who actually deserved that yes in the first place. And you don't have to make it a speech. Boundaries don't need a four paragraph explanation. They just need a sentence. Hey, that doesn't work for me. I'm not available for that. I love you and I'm not going to be there. Let me think about that and get back to you tomorrow. Now that last one is one of the most underused sentences in the English language. You don't owe anybody an instant yes. The time between the ask and your answer is yours. So take it. The last thing I want to leave you with today is this. A no to the wrong thing is a yes to the right thing. Every boundary you set is making room for the relationships, the work, the dreams, and the version of you that actually deserves your best energy. The people who love you well will make the adjustments along the way. The people who don't well, they will reveal themselves. And both of those outcomes are gifts. Boundaries are not a wall. They're a door with a lock on it. And my friend, you hold the key. Thank you so much for listening to the Ryan Link Podcast. If today's episode added value to your life, I would encourage you to share it with a friend. And as always, if you could rate the episode, leave a comment. Subscribe all the things you know the drill. Hey, and I'm looking forward to this next episode. I'm not going to tell you what it's about, but I can tell you this. I really believe it's going to add value to your life.