The Sabrina Zohar Show

Episode 148: What Is Avoidant Attachment and How It Shows Up in Dating and Relationships?
Release Date: July 4, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Sabrina Zohar launches a four-part series on attachment styles by diving deep into avoidant attachment: what it really is, how it develops, how it shows up in dating and relationships, and how both avoidant and anxious individuals can better understand themselves and their partners. Sabrina is passionate about cutting through widespread internet misconceptions and offering honest, actionable insight while drawing from her personal experiences and community questions.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Attachment Styles 101 (05:55)

• Definition & Formation

  • Attachment styles are patterns formed early in childhood, based on how caregivers attuned (or didn’t) to our emotional needs.
  • It’s not about blaming parents; it’s about understanding the environment and messages received as a child.
  • “It’s not that, ‘Oh, a partner when I was 25 was an ass and now I’m avoidant.’ That’s not how attachment styles work.” (07:44)

• Attachment Styles Matrix:

  • Secure: high sense of self & others (trusting both oneself and others)
  • Avoidant: high sense of self, low sense of others (“I can only trust myself.”)
  • Anxious: low sense of self, high sense of others (“I need others to feel safe.”)
  • Disorganized: low sense of self & others

2. Avoidant Attachment: Development & Characteristics (08:04)

• Origins:

  • Avoidant attachment develops when emotional expression is dismissed, ignored, or punished in childhood.
  • Learned message: “You’re safer when you don’t need anybody.”
  • Example: A child consistently let down by caregivers learns to shut down rather than seek comfort.

• Patterns in Adulthood:

  • Closeness = threat to independence.
  • Independence = safety.
  • Avoidants are not innately cold or heartless; most are overwhelmed and under-resourced emotionally.
  • “Avoidants want love. They just don’t know how to stay in it and feel what it feels like to be real.” (09:32)

3. Myths, Misconceptions, and Internet Noise (12:32)

• “My Avoidant” Language:

  • Sabrina pushes back hard on people saying “my avoidant,” noting this language is dehumanizing and removes accountability.
  • “They are not a goddamn Tamagotchi. This is not a furby. This is a human being with their own lived experience.” (11:24)

• All Avoidants Aren’t Bad

  • “Stop listening to the clickbait you see on the internet about avoidants. They are not all bad people.” (11:35)
  • Sets boundaries between healthy discernment (“You don’t have to date anyone!”) and scapegoating an entire attachment style.

4. How Avoidant Attachment Shows Up in Dating (12:50)

• Common Behavioral Patterns:

  • Initial strong pursuit—texting, planning, future-talk—then sudden withdrawal when intimacy builds.
  • Pulling away after intimacy (emotional or physical).
  • “They come on really strong until all of a sudden they don’t.” (12:52)
  • Long distance or less frequent interaction may appeal to avoidants because it maintains space and fantasy.

• Ghosting, Emotional Shutdown, and “Coming Back”

  • Avoidant withdrawal is often a result of being emotionally overwhelmed, not malice or manipulation.
  • “If they ghosted you, it wasn’t real.” Sabrina busts this myth: sometimes it’s because it was real, making it scary for the avoidant (20:21).
  • When avoidants “come back,” it’s often because they’re regulated—not always because they genuinely want reconnection. “They always come back isn’t a fucking flex.” (21:02)

5. Accountability and Self-Growth

• Personal Responsibility

  • Rather than focusing solely on the other person’s avoidant behavior, examine your own patterns, choices, and boundaries.
  • “What’s your part in choosing them? … You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to. You do get a choice.” (11:50)
  • Anxious behaviors can be just as unavailable emotionally as avoidant ones (“Anxious people are also emotionally unavailable.” (26:48))

• Growth-Minded Partnership

  • Both partners need to be willing and able to do the work. Change in attachment patterns is possible but takes intentional discomfort and time.
  • Candidly shares how she and her partner, Ryan, navigate differences and discuss growth in their relationship (16:45, 22:18).

6. Distinguishing Attachment from Personality Disorders (23:53)

• Avoidant Attachment vs. Avoidant Personality Disorder:
  • Attachment = relational pattern; shows up especially under stress/trigger, can be changed.
  • Personality Disorder = pervasive, all-encompassing, requires clinical intervention.

7. Tools for Avoidant & Anxious Listeners (31:15)

• If You’re Avoidant:

  • Reflect: When do you emotionally exit? Name it. Stay present a little longer; practice “micro-intimacy.”
  • “Try staying in the room for 10 seconds longer. Literally send the text, stay connected.” (37:19)
  • Get curious about your narratives around intimacy.
  • Recognize that naming the issue (“I am avoidant”) is not enough—action is required.

• If You’re Dating an Avoidant:

  • You cannot fix or love someone into readiness or regulation.
  • State your boundaries clearly: “I value consistency and open communication… I’m not into guessing games.” (35:30)
  • Don’t fill silence; see what the avoidant does with it—do they re-engage?
  • Regulate your own nervous system instead of reaching out just to soothe anxiety.

Q&A Highlights

Do avoidance know they’re hurting you?

• Sometimes, but they’re so disconnected from shame or blame that they often remove themselves instead of confronting it (35:56).

Why do they change suddenly?

• They hit their threshold for emotional availability; they simply cannot give more, even if they want to.

Do avoidants regret their behavior?

• Often, but not immediately. Regret comes after the emotional overwhelm passes.

Can avoidants change?

• Yes, but only if they truly want to and are willing to do the hard, uncomfortable work needed for growth (30:56, 37:19).

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Avoidants are not cold hearted. Avoidants are honestly—it’s mostly that they’re emotionally overwhelmed. … That’s their wiring for survival.” (09:10)
• “This isn’t a Tamagotchi—this is a human being with their own lived experience.” (11:22)
• “If they ghosted you, it wasn’t real. No. Some avoidants ghost because it was real, that’s what made it terrifying.” (20:19)
• “You cannot regulate for both of you. You cannot do the work for both of you. You cannot love someone into being ready.” (33:18)
• “Lead and love them honestly, not blindly. And give them space to mean you—or space to let you go.” (37:23)
• “You’re not ‘too much.’ You’re just dating people that don’t have the bandwidth to show up in the ways that you need.” (21:36)
• “You don’t have to leap into full vulnerability. Your nervous system isn’t going to be comfortable with that. Try staying in the room for 10 seconds longer.” (37:18)

Key Timestamps

• 05:55 — Core explanations of attachment style matrix
• 08:04 — How avoidant attachment develops
• 11:22 — Debunking “my avoidant” language
• 12:50 — Common avoidant dating patterns
• 16:45 — Real talk: Sabrina on her and Ryan’s dynamics and growth
• 20:19 — “If they ghosted you, it wasn’t real” myth-busting
• 23:53 — Attachment style vs. avoidant personality disorder
• 26:48 — Anxious people also emotionally unavailable
• 30:56 — Can avoidants change? Only if growth-minded and willing
• 31:15 — Tools for avoidant and anxious listeners
• 35:30 — How to set and communicate boundaries with avoidant partners
• 37:18 — Final advice: Don’t try to fix someone; honor your own needs

Final Takeaways

• Avoidant attachment is often misunderstood and unfairly maligned; it’s a pattern, not a personality defect.
• Both avoidant and anxious patterns are about nervous system responses to unmet emotional needs; healing is possible for both.
• Don’t scapegoat your relationship issues onto an attachment style—look for accountability and agency in your own choices and boundaries.
• Growth-minded relationships are possible, but both partners need to be honest, clear, and willing to do uncomfortable work.
• Your worth is not defined by someone else’s emotional capacity—set boundaries, state your needs, and don’t try to fix what isn’t yours to fix.

Next up in the series: Anxious Attachment—stay tuned!
“Don’t give up on yourself, because bitch, if I’m not giving up on you, you better not fucking give up on you.” — Sabrina Zohar (41:29)