← The Sabrina Zohar Show
The Sabrina Zohar Show
149: What Is Anxious Attachment and How It Shows Up in Dating and Relationships?
00:33:49
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You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com Foreign welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello, my babies. Welcome back to part two of our Attachment series. And we're doing Anxious Attachment today, one that I know all too well. Guys, I'm super excited, as always. If you haven't already, please don't forget to rate. Review the show, subscribe, follow along. If you guys need anything. You could join one of the courses. You can work with me one on one. You can ask a question. You can. We do dating app profile, audits, whatever you guys need. Everything will be linked in the show notes. And as always, guys, please just be cognizant of the language that we're using. I get it. I might not be for everybody, and that's okay. But we don't need to be assholes to each other or to me if you don't like it. So we're cultivating a community here, and I am by your side through it all. And that's why I just asked. Guys, don't forget about auto downloads. This is how you help me grow the show. And the only way I can keep the show free for you is by supporting our sponsors, rating and reviewing, sharing it with a friend. That way I can come back every single week. All right, my babies, without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Okay, babes, it's anxious attachment style time. I know. We all know it all too well, and there's a lot of folks here that are in it. Or maybe you're dating somebody that has anxious attachment style. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, I got your back today, my babies. Because I think there is a lot of misconception, especially like, as you know, we had the avoidant episode last week, and then now we're going into the other attachment style. And I find that there is a misunderstanding, I think, of the attachment styles in general, that these are when you're triggered. It's like, you know, I don't know anybody that has anxious attachment that's just always manic, that is just freaking out 24 7. It's the same with avoidance. And if somebody is, it's like, well, then that Might just be a much deeper rooted insecurity versus it just being the attachment style. And that's kind of the conversation I wanted to have. And I think a question that we get so often is like, why do I get to attach so fast? Why do I need constant reassurance even when things seem fine? Why do I overthink every single text? Well, that's what this episode is for. It's because if you always feel like you're too much, if you always need the clarity, you can't fucking stop spiraling when you're dating or you're in a relationship with somebody. Like, we're just, we're not just gonna call it anxious. We're going to unpack it from the nervous system, from the brain, physiologically, psychologically, attachment theory and lived fucking experience. So that's what we're going to do today. And I wanted to start by educating a little bit because that's one thing I noticed. Like you guys write in on Insta, so if you haven't followed already, it's the Sabrina Zohar show on Insta. And I do a question box and a lot that I get is, how do I get rid of this? How do I fix it? How do I get this away? How can I stop feeling this when I'm dating? And I think that's the issue. What you resist, persists. That's like saying, how do I get rid of my, like, my limbs? And you're like, you don't, you don't get rid of it. You don't fix it. You are not broken. There's nothing to fix. What you do is you learn to heal through it. And here's a reality I don't think anybody's really talking about in the healing world. And it pisses me off. And so let's say it, let's see if this even gets seen. Healing does not mean that the emotions and feeling goes away. Doing the healing work doesn't mean that you're never going to have anxiety or avoidance or you're never going to shut down and you're never going to be triggered. What it means is that you now have the tools that are needed to step in so that you don't react. You can now respond. You understand taking a pause. You understand regulating your nervous system. You understand not changing other people. You understand that you can only have control over yourself. You understand about black and white thinking and creating shades of gray. It doesn't mean that you never feel anxiety again. I feel significantly less anxiety than I have ever had. And also on a physiological level of, like, me doing the mold detox and really moving through. Because anxiety isn't just core beliefs, Right? Like, we have to look too. Especially if you're somebody that's done a ton of work on themselves. Maybe go see a doctor, like a functional medicine doctor, so that you can get curious. Because I knew that it was more than just daddy issues causing these things. And we'll go over all that. So I wanted to start by first saying what actually is anxious attachment style. Right? So clinically speaking, anxious attachment style isn't just about being clingy, and it's not about being psycho, and it's not any of that. It's a nervous system adaptation to inconsistent emotional safety in childhood. Right. Same with, like, avoidant and all the others. So when love felt unpredictable, sometimes it was worn, sometimes it was withdrawn. Like my father. Right. Sometimes he was there, sometimes not. Your body learns that connection is everything and it can disappear at any second. Which is why it's like, I have to have them. Where are they going? Why are they leaving me? So your system becomes hyper attuned to threats of disconnection, a pause in texting, a change in tone. They didn't put a period, a delay in plans, maybe they said that they couldn't be there that night. Anything that might signal rejection, your brain registers it as danger. So if you guys want specific, kind of like the neuroscience of it. So the neuroscience of anxious attachment. So you guys know I talk all the time about. We have our prefrontal cortex, right? Decision making, common sense. And when you get dysregulated, that goes offline. And so an example this morning, I was with one of my clients. I'm not going to share anything personal about her. It's just the fact that, like, we went through this and she kept vacillating between her parts. First it was, no, I. I'm not going to be able to be out without this guy. And I'm scared. And what if he doesn't pick me? And. And I don't deserve someone like him. And then when I was like, hey, could you expl, like, what do you mean, someone like him? I was like, could you give me examples? And then she was like, you know, it. Actually he has a lot of red flags and starts listing off all the red flags. And I could see she was vacillating between the parts. She was in her fear center. But then when she'd come more regulated and come back online, she started realizing, I don't really choose him. I don't really enjoy that. Right. So you could start to see how that was going back and forth. And when we go back to our amygdala, that fear center, right. I'm scared they're going to leave me. I'm scared. And when you start to really go, what am I so scared of? Well, this is a part of me need to hear that no matter what I'll be okay because I'm proud of myself. Am I self abandoning or am I actually showing up for myself? That's a big thing. Anxious attachers, we fucking self abandon and it shows up in many ways. But when we get turned, you know, prefrontal cortex turns off, you go into your amygdala, right? Then what is that? So the amygdala, what it actually is, it's your brain's alarm system. So when it becomes hyperactive, it's scanning constantly for signs of abandonment. And so that's why you'll start to feel. How many times have you noticed that you're like, I feel like a child, right? I don't feel like the adult. I don't feel like a, for me, 35 year old woman that's sitting in the room. I feel like I'm a 6 year old. I feel like I'm talking to my parents right now because I'm upset that they're not acknowledging me or I feel like I'm begging for them to see me or I feel like I'm talking to my teachers or the kids that bullied me in school. Where do you go? Because you go back into your fear center and that's a different age. That's very rarely the age that you're at. You're not. And here's the thing, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel those feelings. And I think that's a common misconception. Especially with the anxious attachers are like, why do I have to do all the work and the avoidant doesn't? Nobody's saying that. But what is your part? You can only take care of your part. And that is important to be able to regulate and come back online and be able to handle things like an adult. I don't care how the other person's acting. And you're not doing this for them, you're doing this for you. So we have a new term, the orbitofrontal cortex. So that is a part of your brain that integrates emotional and relational cues. Can't regulate fast enough. And that's something that the anxious attacher has. So your system Stays lit up longer after a trigger. And then you get stuck in the limbic looping. So fear gets stopped. Seeking closeness, then that goes to relief, then that goes to fear. It's not just emotional. This is literally biological. This is literally that. Your body is literally wired to seek reassurance as a form of fucking regulation. Which is why notice how when the avoidant partner. That's why the avoidant partner gets. Feels really overwhelmed. That's why the avoidant partner is like, hey, I need a minute, I need a second. This is feeling like I don't know how to show up for you. Which is also why I say it's not that you're too needy, it's that your body is hardwired to regulate with somebody else. And again, anxious attachment, low sense of self, high sense of others. So what are some ways that this comes out, right? How does this manifest? You'll attach quickly, sometimes even before you know this person is truly safer, compatible. That's it, right? You're not connecting, you're attaching. You're over functioning. You text first, you'll plan the dates, you follow up, you accommodate because you're trying to secure the fucking bond. And bitch, don't tell me you don't fucking do that because I did that all day. I took on so much of the emotional like, and just the labor of dating. I remember, like when I would match with somebody instead of just allowing it, right? Like, oh, they didn't answer me, okay. They didn't answer me like, I can't force it. Like now I wouldn't even give a. I would constantly try to like poke the bear, get them to come back. If I didn't hear from somebody, my famous way of doing things is like, I would send something of like, hey, I miss you, or I'd love to see you. And then if they didn't answer in 20, 30 minutes, or like when I deemed it wasn't safe, I would respond, guess not. You can imagine, you can imagine how many guys were like, whoa, dude, what the fuck? Because I was doing anything I could to secure the connection instead of just allowing it to be what it was. And another aspect, you'll experience emotional whiplash. So you'll feel this like, euphoria, this connection and then abandonment the moment things shift. And that's also why when people are like, no, no, no, but when I'm with them, it's amazing and everything's incredible, but when they're not, I'm a wreck. It's like those. Because the only reason you're stoked on it. And the reason that you feel so good with them is because you feel chosen in the moment. But it's like my client, when we spoke and I really started to get question with her, she even realized it and she was like, I don't actually even know if I like this guy anymore. And not because it was, I wasn't onions anything. I was just asking her questions. And then by the time we got back to it and then like I could see she would go back and slip in into being like, but you know, I just, I don't think I'm ever going to find anybody as good. And it was like, okay, but now we're idealizing him. What makes him so good? I would bring her back to the present moment. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.
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Here's the one thing anxious attachers obsess over tone texting gaps, IG stories. Not because you want to. It's not. It's because your system is starved for certainty. We need to know it's going to be okay. You're not going to leave me. You're not going to abandon me. I'm not going to be blindsided because what happened as a kid, you're blindsided a lot. Maybe that caregiver was in and out. They're super inconsistent, hot and cold. Like my dad. One minute he was there, one minute he wasn't. And that breeds that. Disconnection is incredibly anxiety inducing. And this is also another thing. A lot of people think, oh, I have anxiety. That means I have anxious attachment. They're not the same. Anxiety is very normal because dating is the unknown. Anxious attachment is. What do you do with that anxiety? What's the narrative that starts to be created. How does that manifest in your body? That's why when people ask the difference between your gut reaction and your anxiety and anxious attachment, your gut is a calming sensation. Usually, like, if I see something, somebody asked me, do you like this? No, that's your gut, right? No, I don't like that color. You notice how you didn't like versus when it's anxiety. It comes with a body sensation and a narrative. So if it's anxiety, do you like this color? Oh my God, wait, am I going to say the wrong thing? Oh my God, am I being an idiot? Oh my God, wait. And you start to narrative and then you're like, I'm. I can't breathe. Okay. Versus just being like, nah, I don't like that. And so because the anxious attacher needs that certainty. That's why. And then what happens? Then they start dating people that are avoidant, that are more independent, and that's how they get their certainty, is by being alone. And you could see why this dynamic happens. Doesn't mean that you can't push past it. And so another common trigger that we see is silence or slow replies. Usually what that means is like, we'll go baseline to like, oh, I did something wrong. Someone needing space, they're leaving me, they're abandoning me. A partner's bad mood, it's my fault, always. Right? I did something. What did I do wrong? Conflict, they're gonna withdraw, never come back. Right? And I even had that with my client this morning. And she was like, no, no. But if I say how I feel, like he's gonna leave me and he's not gonna want anything. And I was like, okay, great. So you saying something, it's that simple for them to walk away. What are you missing as a kid, that was detrimental because think about it. I see parents like, I see kids that all the time, like, the kid will say something. The parents are like, I'm leaving. And you see the kid lose their marbles. And it's like, yeah, because they're terrified. They're terrified that if they say something that the caregivers are gonna leave. Terrified that if they say something that this person's going to abandon them and never come back. That is really scary. And what happens is your system treats closeness as survival. And when it's disrupted, even briefly, even this person going to the grocery store, you're in flight or flight, fight or flight. But in relationships, that could look like protest behavior, that can look like overanalyzing, that can look like Spiraling. And don't you worry, we're going to talk about protest behavior. Because the number one thing people ask about your body doesn't know the difference between a breakup and a pause in communication. To an anxious system, to somebody with that high anxiety, they both feel like danger. This isn't about shame or pathology. It's about unmet needs that got encoded into your nervous system. And no one ever taught you how to feel safe without the constant validation. Which is why when people ask of like, I don't understand why don't they know any better? It's like, who the told them otherwise? Who has ever taught us otherwise? If I've always been taught that I need to text to feel close, right? Try to define the relationship too early. I spiral when they go quiet. Who's going to teach me otherwise? Over apologizing to keep the peace, confusing connection with activation. It's like, you don't just want love. And especially when you have anxiety, you need proof of it constantly. Because without that constant reassurance, your nervous system fills the blanks in with rejection. And that's also why I say, and I love you guys, and I say this all the time is because people will say like, well, how do I get over this? And it's like, you have to start to challenge it. You are not gonna get and you're never gonna feel better until you start to feel. And if you want to get rid of anxiety, you genuinely want to get rid of your anxious attachment cell, you need to learn how to feel it. You need to learn to stop running away from it. You need to learn that not everybody else has the answers, that the answers lie within ourselves. And if you genuinely want to move past this, you gotta do the work to be in it. And that's why most people don't want to. That's why most people argue with me in my comments, and that's why they get irate, because they don't want to actually have to do the work that makes them uncomfortable. So let's talk about protest behavior, what it is and why you do it. So protest behavior, by definition, it's the nervous system's attempt to reconnect by literally any means necessary. And if you're watching Love island, this is going to be whenever you guys listen to this, might be well past it, but Huda is the exact perfect example of protest behavior, right? You're not trying to manipulate, you're trying to survive disconnection. So you're not doing this on purpose to be like, I'm going to do this, and then they're going to do that. No. Oftentimes those examples look like texting things just to get a reaction. Like, fine, never mind. Then withdrawing to punish or test them. If they cared, they'd reach out. I'm not going to do anything. Match that energy over communicating. Just checking in again. Just wanted to make sure. Hey, are you mad at me? Are you okay? Overanalyzing social media for signs of them pulling away. I see this all the time. But he watched the stories, but he didn't do it. It's like you're looking for it. When you go looking for it, you will find it. Saying you're done just to provoke reassurance. I used to do this all the time with my ex. I would be like, fine, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. And one day he was like, I think you're right. I was like, wait, what? What? What? Huh? What do you mean I'm right? And I remember just like, it was catastrophic. It was bad. And I was terrified of what that meant because I wasn't doing it authentically. I was doing it because I really just wanted this person to be like, no, I love you. I'm here for you. And again, it's like, it's not about you're being dramatic. It's you're trying to regain control in a moment when you feel powerless. And I get that, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's healthy. And one thing that we have to remember about the nervous system is it seeks closure or closeness. Right? And protest behavior is an attempt to force either. Because again, we don't like to feel uncomfortable. We don't like to not know what's going on. We don't like to sit in the discomfort. So I need to know, and I hear this all the time, like, oh, well, if I end it first. And I'm like, I used to have. My friends used to call me sabotage because I was the queen of like, no, I'm hurt me first before you fucking hurt me ego. I wanted to protect myself. And I want you to start looking of like, I need you to start tracking your protest urges before you act. I want you to ask, like, am I trying to connect or control? I want you to name the story. My fear says they're pulling away, but fear isn't a fact. I don't have any facts to back this up. And maybe create a pause plan. Go to rituals when you feel disregulated. Go for a walk. Voice note to self check up like, Checked object constancy list and what an object constancy list is. What are things that are object permanence? What are things that you can trust? Like Clem was my object constancy. That's why when he passed it was so detrimental to me. He was the only consistency I'd had. He was that one thing. That's why it's so hard when I move a lot. When you're constantly going through a lot of changes. New, new, new, new, new always. You don't have object constancy and permanency. And can you practice self generated safety? What does that actually mean? Even if they don't reply right now, I'm still safe. I can hold myself. I'm here for me. Because here's what Dick Schwartz says on the episode that's coming out. Are you meeting yourself with compassion or curiosity? If you're not meeting with either of those, start again. Compassion or curiosity? Because compassion is how you're going to give yourself dopamine and compassion is how you're going to actually rewire and compassion is how you're going to change these fucking behaviors. Curiosity is how you're going to get deeper. I wanted to go through a myth busting round and honestly too, I thought about it. I wanted to. I was like, oh, do I go super personal in this episode? And I was like, okay, if you're listening to this and you haven't listened to the May 2 birthday episode, go back, listen to that and you'll hear. Because I want you guys to also know I'm not sitting on like my high horse and my tree branch being like peasants as if I'm like the most secure woman in the world. I was her. I was the girl that would lose her. I was the girl that self abandoned. I remember dating this guy, we met on Hinge and I remember I used my body as a means to force connection with people. So I was sexting and we. But like it wasn't. I wasn't naked, but it was like sexy suggestive photos. We hadn't even met yet. We go on the first date, it's electric. And we go back and we hook up. We have a great time. You know, I did that for like three months. And like the dates were like elaborate dates. Like when we went to the museum of sex and we would go out to dinner and then we'd have like crazy sex all night. Like it was so. And he had such Micropenis Hindsight. Sure. 2020. I didn't like this guy. I thought he was cool. He was okay. He was just on paper, everything I wanted, but I didn't actually genuinely like him. And I remember one day we were talking and I said something. I was like, you're being an. And he was like, well, if you weren't such a. And I remember just being like, did you just call me a. And he was like, who the. And sexy photos? And I was like, you did. I was like, you started it. You sent those photos to me. And I was like, so now you're baiting me, and then you're shaming me for doing what you also did. I was like, talk about a double standard. I still wanted to date this gu. Because at that point I was like, I remember he was in my phone as S. Kitty. His name started with an S. And then I had the little kitty face. And I had that in there because I was like, I would just wait and wait and wait. And he never reached out. He never did on his own. I was always the one reaching out. Hey, can we hang out? Even to the point where like, I went over to have like the breakup conversation of like, what are we doing? This is just casual. We're both crying. He's holding me in his arms. He's like, I'm sorry, I just can't do it. I care so much about you, but I just can't show up. I can't do it. I can't be that guy. I go downstairs and I remember I started crying hysterically and I showed back up and I was like, I can't leave. And he like grabs me and he kisses me and next thing I know, we're on the couch and we're making out, we're having sex and then we're getting dinner and we're. The next morning still was the same. I remember I. In my head, I was like, no, this is like a movie and it's so romantic. No, he still felt the same. I had just completely self abandoned because I was terrified of being left. Terrified. I saw him six months later with his new girlfriend. I think honestly, they got married and had a kid. Now I have no idea. I haven't seen him in. I think it was 24 when that happened. Yeah, 24. I was working at my old company when I worked in the city, so I. I get it. And that's one of so many stories of how I just. Guys would talk about don't just be inappropriate or I was doing anything to like make it happen. Dudes that were evasive. And again, speaking in heterosexual norms fill in the blanks. However you want. People that were being evasive, that weren't making the plants, I wanted them even more. And that's what brings us into the first myth of, like, you're just needy. No, you need connection to feel safe. That's human. The issue isn't the need, it's the urgency. The issue isn't the need. It's the fucking urgency. Myth 2 anxious people are insecure and emotionally immature. Most are deeply empathetic and self. Aware. You're right, they are insecure, but they're also dysregulated under perceived disconnection. And so that's the reality is like, yeah, most of the time, any attachment style, that's insecure attachment style, secure attachment style. So, yeah, most of the people, we are insecure. But that doesn't mean that there's facts to back that up. That just means that that shit we can work through when we learn to regulate our nervous system. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.
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Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats now through October 7th. You can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkin, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, raw sugar, milk chocolate, caramel, Jack O' Lanterns, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini Pops and more. Offerings October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
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Here's another myth. If someone makes you anxious, it means they're your match. No, motherfucker, that's a trauma bond. That's not compatibility. Just because somebody makes you anxious, and I think a lot of people, because they see that is like, well, healthy equals boring. And it's like, no, that's just a regulated nervous system. Your nervous system doesn't understand that reassurance that a lot of people think reassurance is a fix. No, it sues the symptoms, but not the cause. Lasting regulation that comes from within. It's not from the other person. That's why I'm saying that that person can text you all fucking day, every day. It is never just one text. It is never just one Text, it's bandwidth, it's back and forth. And not to mention not everybody wants to connect via text. Not everybody sees the same way of connecting via text. And it's never just one text. And the reason I say that is because it's like a never ending pit of needs because comes within you. It's not about them texting you. Because then the next thing I hear is I'm in a healthy, insecure relationship and I still feel anxious because it doesn't go away just because you're dating somebody. And for a lot, calm equals boring. It's foreign. It's foreign. You're used to chaos. And a lot of people say, you know, they pulled away because I was too much. No, they pulled away because closeness activated their shutdown pattern. You are not too much. Your needs might be too much for that person. You as a person are not too much, but maybe your behavior is too much for that person. We have got to stop self identifying. And it's the same my avoidant, whether a Tamagotchi would you want me to be like, well, my anxious, Aren't you so much more than that? Aren't you so much more? And if we actually want to heal through this, I need you guys to learn something that's really important. The sacral pause, the sacred pause when you want to text or spiral. I need you to pause again. Am I seeking connection or am I trying to soothe panic? Pausing is what allows you to respond versus react. You come back to the present moment. You're back in your brain. You are back in your prefrontal cortex. You are back in the decision making and you are back in the position of control. So start getting to that space of pausing. And that's the thing is like you feel like you're going to die. You're not actually going to die. Who here that's listening has ever died? Because they didn't get a text. And I know you're going to be like, well, Sabrina, but we're here listening. Duh. That's the point. You don't die because you don't hear from this person, but your perception of it because your brain cannot tell the difference between physical pain and not. It doesn't get it. So then we have something called an interoception check in label the body sensations. My stomach's tight. My chest is hot. Right? You can't regulate what you won't name. And name it to tame it is so important. I feel irate right now. I feel like I'm going to come out of my skin. Okay, let me get curious. Let me get curious. And then maybe we can start putting in space, right? Like 90 minutes before reacting to disconnection. Give yourself 90 minutes to process and regulate. Often what you want to say changes once your body calms down. My mama used to say that. She would always say, she's like, put it back. Put it in your notepad. And she would say, she's like, I know when you're ready to send it you up. I have notes in there I've been sitting on for years because I never sent them, and I'm so glad. And I don't know about you. I've had that where people will email me and I'll respond immediately, and then I'll look later. And I'm like, I didn't want to say that. I was just activated in that moment, and I just. And then maybe you can contain the story. Can you write down what you think is happening versus what you know is happening? We have to separate the emotion from the evidence. That's why I always say, what facts do I have to back this up? My favorite DBT practice. And then reparent that part. Speak to your inner child. Hey, I know you're scared of being left, but we're safe now. We've survived this before. Get curious. What are you actually scared of happening? Start to understand even the narratives, the things that those parts of you start to say of like, I'm scared of being left. Left by whom? Who are you talking to? Do you know who I am? Do you know that I'm here to keep you safe and that you don't have to do that. You're not broken. There's nothing to fix again, you're just wired for connection, and nobody ever taught you what to do when it's been threatened. And maybe that's the reframe that we needed to add in here. Is that there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with me. At least I hope not. I mean, there's plenty wrong with me. You know what I mean? All right, let's answer some audience questions, because y' all know that these are the fun ones. And, guys, don't forget to send in your questions. When I do the question box, please feel free to put in whatever questions you want. And usually what I do is I go through and I see how many common ones there are, and then I hit those pain points because I love you guys. But some of you guys ask wildly specific questions that I'm like, nah, pay for a question. And get a response back, back. It's not going to help because the whole point is to help the community and not just be of like, this is a very specific circumstance I'm going through. So someone asked, how do I stop spiraling? When they don't text back, I don't know that you stop the spiral. You more so interrupt it. You got to go into your body, not your brain. So you have to breathe, you have to move, you have to walk. Then you decide what you actually want to say when you're from a place of regulation and choice. Again, why Masha and I created the nervous system course, it is specifically to hit the main pain points of early dating. And so that's why we have that course, the foundation course is there to give you the tools and the foundation to building a healthy and solid foundation within yourself so that you can go back out there and date. We have the breakup course. It's very obvious of what it is. And then the self love course. The self love course brings you back home to yourself. Whether you're dating, single, in a relationship doesn't matter. It's about how do you learn to love yourself? How do you validate yourself so you start to spiral. I don't need you to stop the spiral. I need you to learn to interrupt it. Whoa, I'm not seeing things clearly right now. I'm super, I'm fucking spiraling right now. I've done that. I'll go to Ryan and I'm like, I'm in a spiral, bitch. Someone asked why do I feel calm with someone secure but then sabotage it? Because calm feels unfamiliar. And if you've only known intensity, then peace is going to feel unsafe. And it's not that you're bored, you're detoxing. That chaos and what we always look to look at is you're not. Sabotage would imply that you are doing something intentionally to hurt yourself. You're self protecting, right? So it's sabotage. Well, I, I, they do this and I go manic. It's like, okay, yeah, you're trying to protect yourself. What are you trying to protect yourself from? This feels really uncommon. This feels really uncomfortable. I've never had somebody that's so consistent and reciprocal. I've never had somebody that's shown up like this. This, yeah, that's probably going to cause your nervous system to feel wildly disregulated. Someone asked can I ever feel secure if I'm anxious? Of course that starts with self trust. That's why we created the self love course. You don't regulate through other people's behavior. You regulate through your response. And here's the reality. Attachment styles are not fixed. Which is why I say stop asking people on first dates what their attachment style is. You can grow, you can change, you can evolve and you can become earn secure. What the work are you going to do with it though? How are you showing up for you? How are you talking to yourself? How are you validating yourself? How are you treating you? Are you treating you like everyone else did when you were a kid? Then, yeah, you're going to stay in your anxiety. What if I keep picking people who trigger my anxious side? Attraction is a pattern, baby. Until you heal the wound, you will be drawn to people who match the pain, not the peace. And the reason being is something called repetition compulsion. Thank you, Freud. Repetition compulsion means you're going to date the parts of you that are unhealed because of your nervous system and your body. Think like, if I date the narcissist like my father and he doesn't tell me I'm too much and he tells me I'm amazing and he then all of that's going to go away. See, they were wrong. And what ends up happening, it reaffirms it. It just reaffirms it because that's familiar. You know how to go into the good girl. You know how to self abandon. You know how to go back into those parts that knew how to keep you safe at that time. Right? So it's like really important to get curious about, wait, what's happening and how familiar does this feel? Which is also the book I'm writing, y'. All. The book is really special. It's gonna come out next year. Well, by the time you listen to this, wherever you are, it'll be out and hopefully end of 2026. But the book is all about identifying patterns and understanding. Cause a lot of people ask, they're like, is the book on dating and relationships and like, like it's about coming home to yourself. In there is about dating and relationships. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own. With a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.
- [29:45]
B
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats. Now through October 7th, you can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites. When you shop in store and online, save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, Raw sugar, Milk Chocolate, Caramel, Jack O Lantern, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini Pops and more. Offerings, October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [30:16]
A
Someone said, how do I know if I'm healing? Well, you expand your window of tolerance when you can tolerate space without spiraling. When you observe instead of react. When you feel the urge, and instead you choose differently. That's how you know you're healing. Think about the you from a year ago. You're going to tell me you haven't changed, you haven't evolved, you haven't grown. Why do I panic when they don't text back? Because your brain equates silence with a threat. Your attachment system lost object constancy or object permanence as a kid. So out of sight feels like abandonment. And that's why. Because look at the story you are creating. That's what I need you guys to get really fucking curious on. How do I stop chasing people who don't choose me? You stop trying to earn their love by proving you're worthy. You choose your peace over their activation. You build a nervous system that sees red flags and walks. You start to get really turned off by that inconsistency in behavior. Welcome to growing. Welcome to acknowledging and accepting that you deserve better. I get so turned off, and the minute I see it, I'm like, I'm done. Bye. I don't have the patience for it. So I think it's really important to get curious about what's actually coming up for you and not just being like, oh well, this is me, right? You know, it's like, are you fantasizing? Are you afraid of losing these people? Like, that's anxiety. That's anxiety when you're obsessing over them. And then last can anxious and avoidant work? Yeah, both people are doing the fucking work. But if you're the only one that's regulating and communicating, then no, it's not gonna fucking work. It's not a relationship. That's a project. You need both people. And no, it doesn't mean that you need to be fixed before you date. Like, there's no such thing. You're going to hurt in relationships. You'll also heal in relationships. But what's important is that you'll stop confusing in the activation for love. And it's easier to walk Away from people who aren't safe because you have created that safety within your own body. You're no longer waiting for the external because the internal finally matches what it is that you're looking for. Other people. Well, anxious attachment doesn't mean you're clingy or broken or too much. It means your body learned to fear disconnection and now it's time to unlearn that you are not your spiral. You are not your panic. And no, you are not just the version of you that clings when scared. You're allowed to want the connection, but not at the cost of abandoning your self. And that's the reality. Guys, next week we're going to break down disorganized attachment. And I'm excited about it. That internal push, pull and why some people fear closeness and distance at the same time. And no, that doesn't just mean because with one person you're anxious and the other person's avoidant. That's not what that means. Guys, please don't forget, follow the show tag a friend who needs to see this, read it, whatever. And if you're ready to build a nervous system safety and real self trust, you know the link will all be in the show notes. The link to the Nervous System 101 course, the foundation course. Again, if you guys want to work with me, I am taking clients again for the time being. I am so excited. Guys, please, again, don't forget to rate review the show and auto downloads. If you haven't listened to three episodes in a row, auto downloads turn off. And it's us so hard. So please, please leave a comment. Like I said, even an emoji, I don't care. We need to let the algorithm know that people are learning and loving the show and growing. And I am so grateful for every single person that did. Thank you. Thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. And for anybody who doesn't and anybody that trolls and anybody that's gonna talk, you're the out of here. Because we are a community of safety. We are a community of people that come together because guess what? Growing up all my life, want to know why I have anxious attachment? Because I had people bully me. I had people putting me down. I had people trying to change who I was because of their discomfort. And now I say that. Now I say we stand up for us. We stand up for this community and we stand up to the bullies that are going to tell us how the to be. And guess what? Those are the people in the dating world, so don't you fucking forget it. I love you, my babies. I am here for you always and I am so fucking grateful for you. Till next week.
- [33:48]
B
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats now through October 7th. You can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, Raw Sugar, Milk Chocolate, Caramel, Jack O Lanterns, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini Pops and more. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [34:19]
A
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