← The Sabrina Zohar Show
The Sabrina Zohar Show
150: The BRUTAL Truth About What You Deserve in Love| In The Trenches
00:36:13
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You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com foreign.
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Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. I am Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. It is AMA Tuesday. It is in the trenches, and today we're answering your questions. We're doing dating app profile audits, and we are going to get in the trenches with you guys. And by we, I mean me. And so, as always, I'm so freaking grateful for you guys. Thank you. Thank you to anybody that's new, welcome to the show and to anybody that is an og, we love to have you. As always, guys, please don't forget rate and review the show and please, please speak with kindness. You guys leave the most beautiful reviews and comments and it fills my heart. And it's okay if we don't agree, but we can speak with respect to each other because this is a community of safety that we're building. And all I ask is that in return, and please don't forget, share it with a friend. Tell everyone you know about the show and just thank you. Thank you guys every single day for showing up and for being here with me and allowing me to show up as me so that you can be here as you. So without further ado, let's get right on into it. Hi, babes. Welcome back to another bonus episode. I love my time with you guys and I've been, as you know, I've been trying to do more solos. So I hope you guys like them. Leave them in the comments if you do. If you're like, yeah, I'm here for it, and if not, and you want more guest episodes, let me know who you'd want on. I'm open to it. But I just wanted to take a second and give you guys a little bit of an update for me. So as you guys know, we're here removed. We're in our new studio and I've, I've been struggling with my own mental health. Like, I always like to lift the veil so you guys don't think, like, I'm living on cloud nine and I am just so in, you know, all of these things. And it's like, no, again. I still wake up in the mornings feeling scared, feeling worried, feeling, oh, God, am I going to Lose everything. Do people not like me? And it's like, those are my core beliefs. Those are things that I deal with every day and it doesn't matter again. You could give me a million dollars tomorrow and I'd be like, oh, but I'm gonna spend it all. Because a fear. A fun fact that I just learned actually was that our brain will go to the amygdala, which is your fear center, 10 to 12 times faster than it will default to going to your prefrontal cortex. That's why going towards fear, overthinking, spiraling, all those things feels a little bit more like baseline. And so it's easier for us to go to that. And now, Watts, what we're here together to do is to break those loops, is to come back to the present moment and to remember, like, we're in this together, that we're not gonna. You're not going to lose everything tomorrow. And that if anybody even does leave you, that's okay, because, baby, you have you. So we're going to answer your questions today and we're going to go on now. Of course, as you guys know, we have the courses I always. And to everybody that's like, God, Sabrina, you say the same thing every episode. You're right, because we have new people every single day. And we have to remind you guys, we've got four courses. If you need them. Go check them out. There's a foundation, the nervous system, the breakup, self love. I'm here for you guys. You can work one on one, ask a question. There's some free guides, whatever you guys need. Everything's in the show notes or Sabrina Zohar dot com. So just some housekeeping. Okay. Shall we? Let's get into it. Hey, Sabrina. Hey. I've been seeing this guy for a month now. He's been the sweetest ever and has done nothing but make me feel comfortable each day that we've talked and hung out. I decided to invite him out to a Pride event. He was great until we got into the nightclub. He spent almost the entire night walking around with his two friends and leaving me behind, sending me to get them all water and going to the bathroom every five minutes. I tried to kiss him like always and he pulled away like I just put a bug on his face or something. I fucking hate when people do this. On top of that, I saw him exchanging numbers with another guy in front of me with no hesitation from either of them. It truly ruined my night to witness fair when we took his friends home. And it was just the Two of us. He went back to being the sweetest, caring, touchy guy he's been for the past month. I finally worked up the courage to tell him. Watching him exchange numbers with another guy in front of me felt like I hurt my feelings. And his response was to say, it's not his fault he's so attractive. And it happened all night. I feel replaceable, confused by his actions. And I've been crying about this for the last 48 hours. My friends want me to tell him we're done, but part of me wonders if I'm overreacting at all. Thank you so much for everything, Tyler. Oh, baby. Okay, first off, your feelings are so valid and real. Of course you're gonna feel hurt. Like, I don't know any human on the planet. Unless you're not into this person that's gonna be like, stoked to watch the person that they like give their phone number and flirt with someone else right in front of them. And the reason that I think your friends are right, that it's time to be done is not anything that you or him has done necessarily. It's behavior, it's patterns. He took no ownership. It's one thing if he was like, hey, that makes so much sense that me doing this in front of somebody else hurt you. I am so sorry. I didn't even think about it. That was really selfish of me. What can I do to make you feel better, right? There was no accountability, There was no getting curious. There was nothing. It was deflection, it was excuses. Well, sorry I'm so attractive. And it's like, oh, oh, is that what it was? I had no idea. That's not what it was. And it has nothing to do with being so attractive. I have been with some of the most good looking people. I myself. And I'm not the most attractive woman in the world. I'm not going to fucking say that I am. But I have been out before where it's like, yeah, you're getting hit on and you tell somebod like, hey, sorry, I have a partner, or I'm here with somebody and what it sounds like is that this gentleman wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he's putting you down. No wonder. Then you're spiraling and you're ruminating and you're starting to question because he didn't validate and say, you're right, that is really hurtful. It was, well, that's, I'm attractive and this is how it goes. And so what this person's saying is well, that's me. Take me or leave me. So my question is, what are your choices? Right? You cry, you can get it out. But I'd be curious, what are you crying about? It's not about him. It's not. You didn't mention anything of him. I feel obviously replaceable. Valid and confused. Replaceable, okay. Core belief, right? Hitting a wound, and that's real. I don't know anybody that wouldn't feel like. And you're like, oh, okay, so you don't give a fuck about me. Noted. Good to know. But really, the confused by his actions, valid. But I think this is where I would have to say, okay, what are we confused about? In the sense we're like, he's told you who he is. He has told you now. Because I think where I'd say confusion is like, have you guys had conversations prior to this of, like, that you're into monogamy, that you guys really like each other? And maybe you have. And maybe this guy is just an. Right. I don't know. Because I don't want to fill in the blanks. I don't want to assume things. And let me also just preface, in case I haven't. In case you're new and you haven't heard me say this yet. When you guys write in, feel free to put as much detail and nuance that matters into the story, because a lot of times you guys will ask questions on you guys. I'm saying, you guys in ethereal, they'll ask a question of like, my partner did this. What do I do? Or should I end it with them? And it's like, what you guys are asking me is your life. I take that really seriously that you are asking me about advice on how you should move forward with something. So I'm going to give you guys a lot of the nuance about it because I care about your life and I care about your decisions, and I want to make sure that I am guiding you effectively and not just leaving you to the wolves and being like, oh, yeah, them. Leave them. It's like, that might not be the best advice for this guy, though. I think what I would look at is the part of you that is wondering if you overreacted. Could we get curious about that part? Because I think what happens is, like, when we look at the lens through ifs and we start to see the part of you, maybe the shame, the exiled part, is the part of you that's like, hey, I really want to be loved. I want to be respected. I want somebody that Chooses me. And then these exile, you know, then we. These shadow. These exile, whatever. Like, these protector parts come out to be like, nope, get back out of there. You're going to get hurt. If you want that. That's stupid. You dumb. No, no, no. You're an idiot. You're overthinking. You're overreact right there. Protector parts are coming in to protect us. Like, no, no, no. Oh, my God. Sound the alarms. They're going to get hurt. They can't express themselves. They can't open up. And so what we have to look at and say is, do I actually believe that I'm overthinking? Like, truly in my gut, do I look at that little. That says that really hurt my feelings. Do I look at him and go, oh, my God, you're so dramatic. I don't. I look at that little saying, yeah, you're right. You have every right to be hurt. I don't think you're being overdramatic. I think you're actually being dramatic enough. I think that you are holding the pinch matches the ouch here that what this person did was hurtful in the way he spoke to you. But what I would say is, does that feel familiar? Who does your little think is talking to him right now? When that person said that, when he said that to you, that I'm just attractive and it happened all night. Is that a caregiver who didn't take accountability? Who made it you? That was the problem. Who made your issues the issue, Whatever it is, it's okay. But I want to start to understand and get curious about the part of you that's coming out that needs this right now and is asking. And for me, I am going to let that part know. And whoever is listening right now, you have every right to be upset about this and you have every right to take up space about it that the person for you is somebody that's going to validate how you feel. That's going. Because right now I could all but imagine how you feel right now. Probably is pretty goddamn familiar. Pretty familiar in the sense where, like, I would imagine you felt this before, whether it be a childhood or early adult life, but you felt dismissed like this before. You felt replaced like this before. So let's go get curious and go back to that part. I'll never tell you what to do. That's not my job. But what I will say is, if it were me, I'd be running for the house. All right, next question. Hey, Sabrina, I recently found your podcast and I've been listening a lot while traveling for work. Yay. Welcome to the family babies. I've been going backwards through the catalog and just finished the episode on cheating and cheaters which hit hard. If you guys haven't listened to that, that's me and John Kim from I think November 2023. So it's like episode 50 I think something like that. I'm going through a situation right now where I met someone and we built a strong long distance relationship. We both listen to your podcast so we did it right. Limited texting, prioritized facetime and real conversations and checked in regularly. Felt healthy and emotionally safe. We were about five hours apart. Okay, so we spent a good amount of time together even with the challenges. We had deep conversations and aligned our lives on the goals with each other. Okay, this all sounds great so far. And then I always am like oh, I'm scared to read on. Then one weekend she accidentally left her work phone at my house. I sent it back to her but someone she described as an ex intercepted the package and everything fell apart. She abruptly cut things off and that person later called me calmly but revealed a completely different story about her their relationship. Okay, can I know what happened though? It made me realize I was unknowingly part of an affair and I think a lot of people find themselves in the spot. The ones who weren't the cheater or the cheated on partner, but someone who was in love and completely blindsided. Someone who had a real relationship. But then this People who genuinely didn't know they were involved in a triangle who did have something real and healthy and now don't know how to process it. It's really real. What does healing look like for someone in this position? Do we treat it like a normal breakup? Go no contact, try to move on? Or is there room for someone more nuance when we know that person still loved us but panicked or collapsed under pressure, do we hold space for the possibility of return? Or is that just self betrayal? Thanks for the work you're doing. I know I'm not the only one listening. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.
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Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway Cough. And cold season is coming, so make sure you're prepared and stock up on your family's favorite personal wellness products. Now through October 7th. Shop in store and online for savings on products like Mucinex Kickstart Combo, Zyrtec Allergy relief tablets or Liquid Gels, Halls Cough drops and Mucinex Fast day and night. So you and your family are armed and ready for the season ahead. Offerings October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
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Okay, Ronnie, so let's talk about some stuff here. First of all, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. That is wild. And this is what I mean too. That, like, you're doing your part, you're keeping your side of the street clean. Like I. And I get it. Like, I'll hear those all the time, people. Like, I did everything and it didn't work out. And it's like, I am not telling you guys to do stuff with an level of certainty, but this is the steps that we can take so that no matter what, you'll be okay. Like this. That's a true blind side. Like, you did not know and this person obviously was being inauthentic and lying to you. Right. That we know. And so I'm sorry about that. Like, first off, but I think here I'm a little confused. So you're sending her a package. How the did her ex find out about the package? How did her ex intercept it? Did she have who had the tracking? So if you text her the tracking saying, hey, you left your phone, I'm sending it to you, that person would have had to take the tracking intercept. So I'm confused. Unless that's she lives with this person. But then if you visited, how did you not know? I'm just confused. I'm not blaming or shaming anybody. I'm just trying to understand how the this person intercepted the package is my first question. I'm genuinely confused then to say she abruptly cut things off and that person, then the partner calls you to let you know what's going on. So I think that's where I'm confused here by asking if this is different because you're saying, do we go no contact to try to move on, or is there room for something more nuanced when we know that person still loved us but panicked or collapsed under pressure? What excuses are you giving? What do you mean they panicked and collapsed under pressure? How did they panic and collapse under pressure? When you have unknowingly been part of an affair because they were cheating on their partner and you didn't know and they didn't tell you and they weren't honest with you. How is that collapsing and. And pressuring? That's what I mean by like, I think that there's a little in there trying to finding. So, like, no, but they loved us and they're human, and it's okay. And it's like, yeah, no. Two conflicting thoughts. You're right. They're human. And that's really shitty. And I'm sorry that that person felt like this is how they had to do it. But that doesn't mean that I'm still going to overlook everything that they did and continue to allow myself be part of a chess piece in their game. And so I guess that's where I'm just a little confused is the possibility of return. I'm confused. This person cheated on their partner with you. You were part of an affair. I guess that's what I'm saying. I'm like, I'm just confused as to how this all happened because you're saying it made me realize you were part of an affair. And it's like, so you guys were together and this other person is the other person, or they were together and you were the other person. So in what world there are now three people part of this? What do we want this person back for? I guess that's where I want to get back. And it's okay. Again, none of this is shame or blame. I'm genuinely trying to understand. What does that voice inside of you say that you need them back for? And again, who do they think they're talking to? Is it this person that you dated? Or does that little think they're talking to somebody else? Or does that little maybe talking to you? If, hey, maybe you can come back to me and maybe you and I can reconcile, and then we don't need this person, but what are we wanting them for? And it's again, so is somebody treating you? Is love to you? Somebody that lies to you, somebody that plays games with you and somebody that's not being honest and real with you? And that's okay if you're like, yeah, that to me sounds like love. Okay, where did we learn that from? What is your little need right now to feel supported by you? What is your little right now need in order to feel okay to let this person go? And maybe your little. The whole time has never really cared about the other person. I'm sure it cared about him. Don't get me wrong. Or them. You know, I'm sure that this person. You had a nice connection. But the fact is this person was being really inauthentic to you and lying to you and not being truthful. And I'm sorry for that. And I hope if they're listening to this that they can take note. And I hope if they're listening to this episode that they can understand that what they did was hurtful and that what they did needs to be accounted for and to then just abruptly end it with you and then have the other person, it's like that's what I'm saying. So what is it that you want back from this person? Because it doesn't even sound like they're remorseful or that they're even asking for any kind of anything from you besides you now creating a space, hoping that they're gonna still choose you. And baby, I am sorry. I don't know how else to say it. I'm sorry that this happened and I am so sorry that this is your experience. But I need you to know that based at least what I'm reading here, I don't know what your part in you can take ownership outside of just saying I trusted this person. And that's okay, right? Like you're a human. But that's why I'm. There was a little bit of nuance, but nonetheless, I want us to look at anybody that's listening right now. If you're hung up on somebody and your thoughts are maybe they'll come back or maybe they can reconcile or oh, if I go no contact, is that going to ruin our opportunity then? What I hate to say is that you've already self abandoned trying to keep this person in your life and you don't actually need them back. You need yourself back. You need to come back home to you and stop waiting for other people to choose you. Because when you do come back to you, you'll start to look at like this and go, I deserve better. And this is. And you'd be right. Okay, let's see. Hi. I've been listening to all of your podcasts which have helped me so much to understand why I go for emotionally unavailable men. Because I'm somewhat emotionally unavailable. Proud of you guys. I love it. I've been in a situationship with a guy for three, three years, baby. @ the start he was married and then he left his wife. We continued messing around, but he actually went out on dates with other girls. But he never took me out. Okay, I have a lot to think about this. It has always been about sex. He knows how I feel and I keep distancing myself because how it makes me feel. But every week he contacts me to come around for the obvious, and I cannot say no. No, no, no, no. You can say no. You're choosing not to say no. This is where language matters. It's not that you cannot. Your mouth moves. You are choosing to not. And that's okay, baby. But I am not going to coddle and be like, yeah, you're right, you can't. Yes, you can. Yeah, you can. But that's okay. It feels scary and uncomfortable. I've only ever been in physical and emotionally abusive relationships. So because he isn't hitting me or saying horrible things, I don't know how to let go. Well, baby, what I would say is. Is deserve. What part of you. Every time you say, I can't say no, who does that part think you're talking to? Because letting go of him is choosing. Because I think at the end of the day, this has nothing to do with him. First of all, you've been three years. What do you think is going to change? He was cheating on his partner with you, saying he was going to leave his partner. Then he left his partner. Didn't leave him for you, though. Left him to go and date other people. The reason he keeps doing this is because you allow it. He doesn't respect your boundaries, just like you don't respect your boundaries, which is why Brit, Frank and I created the breakup or the self love course. This is literally the reason is because we wanted to give you guys actionable tools to learn how you come back home to yourself. What does it mean to love yourself? Because in these moments, this is where it belongs. Is loving yourself doesn't mean that we just say yes to everybody else hoping that we're going to be chosen. Loving oursel means think of future you. Every time he calls, I want you to think about how you feel when he walks out the door. How empty you feel. Because then there's going to be that part of you that's like, but maybe this time he's going to choose us. And then I want you to ask yourself and say, who are you talking to? Are you talking to him? Are you talking to mom or dad? Because did that work? Did they ever change? No. So what makes me think this guy is. It's been three years. Talk to that part like you would talk to your. Your friend. Your friend comes to you and goes, oh, my God. But maybe this time is it. And you're like, are you going to keep being delusional? Or do you want to hear the truth? The Truth is that you're letting this person walk all over you. And I am sorry that you believe that this is what you're deserving and worthy of. And I am here to let you know that you deserve more. I am here to let you know that I have your back. What do you need from me? What is that part need? Because what happens is so, as Brit Frank says in her book, which I'm reading right now, it's so great that we mind fuse. Now, that's obviously not like mind fusion. If you look at it like in, you know, in the science world, they're going to be like, that's not it. But what she means by that is we have all these parts, and when we fuse with our parts, so instead up saying, well, right now I have anxiety in my body, or I feel right, like that's a part of me. There's a jealous part that's here right now when we fuse with it, then it's, no, I can't be without this person. I can't say no. No, no, no. There's a part of you that can't say no. But you can. So what we need to start to do is separate. There's a part of me that feels that can't say no. There's a part of me that feels right. So let's first separate from it. Then we can get curious. Okay, what does that part believe if I do say no is going to happen? What does that part think is going to happen if I stand up for myself? What does that part need for me in order to let this person go? Then to say, okay, then what are my choices? Right. Like, I could regulate my nervous system and come back to a space of having choices. And if that's not okay, then that's okay. Maybe we then go back to regulating. We go back to getting curious and sitting with our body because you're not going to be able to come and access choices. And then we can even go a step further of like, can I ask my little permission to speak to her? Are the parts willing to come out and talk to me? Yeah. Okay, then let's have a conversation. And like Brit says, have a cup of coffee with your part and a. Guys, I am so excited because we have Dick Schwartz coming out this month who created ifs. He created Parts Work. So, like, we're gonna go even more in depth on how to do this. I think it's next week. I think by the time this episode comes out, it's like a few days later. So don't worry babies. But we have to start to understand, yes, you do have choices. Yes, you can make choices for yourself. But we're fusing to those parts saying, no, I'm just anxious. No, I just can't do this or no, I can't do that. And it's like, yes, you can. But we have to get curious and say, well, what are my choices?
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You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.
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Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats now through October 7th. You can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, Raw Sugar, Milk Chocolate, Caramel, Jack O Lanterns, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini Pops, and more. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
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All right, next one. So this is a trigger warning guys, we do talk about essay so if this is uncomfortable please fast forward through this question. But please know I wanted to give you the opportunity because this person has a very valid question that I think we should answer. Hi Sabrina, I love your podcast. I have a question I hope you might answer. I just started restarted dating after a year long years long break due to a essay which left me out with permanent impairments. The injuries are invisible when I'm clothed but create a lot of limitations in my life. I'm also pretty scared to be alone or intimate with a new person. I thought no one would ever want to date me again, but after lots of therapy I began to remember I'm also pretty awesome and fun. I am so fucking proud of you. So dating. I don't want to seem secretive, but I worry people will see me as damaged. How much and when should I disclose about the situation? In dating I have to disclose something about the injury so that the intimacy doesn't hurt me and I because I can't do things like sports. The actual story I never plan to share. My deepest thanks is if you can answer this. Dating advice is everywhere, but I don't see anything navigating it. After essay and physical trauma like this, you're Wonderful. Thanks for the great content, Angie. Oh, Angie. First of all, baby, baby, you are a goddamn warrior because you're not letting what happened to you. And you know what? I'm gonna be vulnerable for a second. I was assaulted when I was 19. I was. It was a gentleman I knew. And I was asleep, and I woke up, and I wasn't asleep alone anymore. And I will just say the rest took its shape. And I woke up in the morning, and he didn't leave. And I was crying hysterically when he left. And years later, he texted me. I'd blocked him on everything, and he found, you know, new numbers. And I'll never forget, he texted me and I told him, I know what you did to me that night. I never said anything. I was 19. I was terrified. And his response was, oh, bullshit, you cried when I left. Cause you were so sad I was leaving. That happened. And I remember I shamed myself and I blamed myself a lot. I was so embarrassed about what happened. I was scared to tell anybody. To this day, like, you guys are the first people I've really told. Like, I haven't even told some of my friends. I just kind of just moved on with it. And it's happened twice in my life. When I was 19 and when I was 21. And this one was both times where people that were at my head, like friends that lived with me, had people come over and I had rejected these people. And I both times woke in my room. Well, the first time was I was passed out asleep. I had gone to bed, like, by myself and woke up to his hand over my mouth. And then the second time was this guy that my friend was date. It was my friend was dating her, his best friend. And we were all out. And I told her. I was like, I'm not interested in the friend. I went home an hour before everybody else. I came home, I showered. I didn't hear them come in. It was like maybe 30 minutes. And I came out, and as I walked into my bedroom, she and the guy were. They were wasted. And they were in the room. And I think they went out, like, to go to his house. And I. As I opened my bedroom door, the guy came from behind and grabbed me and pushed me up against the wall and said, don't scream. And. Yeah. So I just wanted to share. I understand. And my heart goes out to any person that has ever experienced this. And even as a woman, how many times I've said, fine, let me just sleep at this, or let me just do it so that they can leave me alone or I'm scared. This guy's six four and I'm terrified of what's gonna happen. And so what I would say is this, there's nothing wrong with you. You are not a damaged person. You are not a flawed garment. You are nothing of that. You are a survivor. You're a survivor. And I don't even like for myself. I'm like, I'm a survivor, not a victim. And I look at this as a few things. And I consulted Scott, you know, Dr. Scott Lyons, one of my closest and he's a trauma informed specialist. And I wanted to make sure that I was giving you guys the right advice. And he said it's perfect. What you would offer. The first thing is you don't need to offer this early on. I think you have to remember too, like intimacy that's not owed to anybody. You don't have to be intimate with somebody. I didn't slept with Ryan because I wanted to in that night. I've dated other guys outside of Ryan that I didn't sleep with that early on. They're like, are we doing on four or five dates? And I still hadn't been physical with them them. So you have every right now for me, I didn't share my personal story of essay for quite a bit of time because it didn't impact anything. And so if it's not impacting anything, right, then you tell somebody that when you feel you could trust them. Trust is conditional and built over time. Right. I'm not going to go in there and start screaming and trying about all my traumas. I don't know this person. And so that's the first step. Then I think the second step is that it's about being honest about like, hey, I wanted to share with you that intimacy takes me a minute to get to and I wanted to share why is this something that you'd be interested interested in hearing and if they're like, yes, absolutely, can you share with me? Then I think that's when you can say, you know, years ago I had a sexual, you know, assault and it left me here like with this and I not going to get back, you know, if you don't feel comfortable getting into it, I not going to get too deep into it. But moral of the story is here's what I deal with and here are the limitations that I have. You don't have a scarlet letter. You don't have to hide who you are and pretend to be something that you're not. You get to take up Space. And I will tell you this right now. I will tell you this right now.
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Now.
- [24:27]
B
There's a difference between, like, Ryan and I spoke about this. There's a difference between when you date somebody who has had trauma in the past that is very clearly not moved on with it. You know what I mean? We've all met those people that you're like, okay, wow, this is very much still impacting your day to day. And that's okay. I have nothing but love for these people. But I don't think that's the appropriate thing because it's a lot your partner is like, how do you want them? Because especially when you don't know who these people are. That was one thing a guy told me when I had trauma dumped on him. Not about this, but about family. Was he looked at me and he was like, I think you're amazing and I really like you. He was like, but I don't know how to support you. I don't know you. Like, I don't know how to show up for in a way that makes us both feel comfortable. And so we want to be cognizant about that of like, we don't know who these people are, so we don't need to tell them things about us that they could use later or manipulate or control. No, but I do think that you have every right to take up that space. Because I'll say this. If the person that you're dating get spooked or scared because you had an experience in your past that you are moving through, that you are just saying, hey, I might have some stuff. But these are the limitations. It's not like they touch your arm and you start screaming and crying or snap at them. Like, that's what I mean by the difference between like someone that is actively working through their. And saying, listen, like, I got this down, but you should know what I went through versus I haven't tended to any of this. And you're going to have to deal with it. Right. Or versus, like, if you've been with somebody and God forbid something happens, well, yeah, you're going to hope that your partner's still going to be by your side. But if you telling somebody after four, five, six dates about your situation and they leave, oh, baby, they were never anybody that should ever continue to stay in your life. You deserve somebody who doesn't fuck. You deserve a fucking adult. Not a child who's going to get spooked out because you lived a life before that. Them. And I get it, right? It's It's a difference of someone saying, hey, I feel overwhelmed. I don't know how to support you through this. Versus, thank you so much for sharing that. That takes a lot of strength, and I'm here for that. And I want to make sure that you feel comfortable, supported, and loved in the ways that you deserve. That's what you deserve and nothing less. All right, babes, let's do a profile. Yay. Okay, we got a dude's profile. I love it. You can send in male, female, they. I don't care. Whatever you guys identify as, we will profile, audit, whoever, whoever. However, it's funny, so many dudes message me being like, your advice works for guys. Why don't. Like, why do people say it and, like, does this apply for men? I'm like, yeah. Everything I say is they. It's just when people write in or ask specific questions about men, I'll answer that. But I only speak in my personal experience because I have not dated women, so I wouldn't have anything else, but I talk to anybody. All right, Jacob. So you guys are gonna see. We're putting them on the screen so you can see the profile too. I'm so excited now. We could do this together. Okay, so cute photo, main photo. Okay, then we go. Teach me something about cooking. I can cook anything you want, as long as that what you want is Italian. Then we go into as an engineer, blah, blah, blah. Okay. Then we have the photos to their kids that they're going terrible at. My simple pleasure is random finds at the record shop. Time with the family in a hot and ready Krispy Kreme donut. And then another photo. And then you should not go out with me if you don't like cats. I've got two little hoodlums running around the house. Group photo. And then, I believe, and then a band photo. Okay, so first off, I think the profile is cute. I don't think it's like, the end of the world. I will say the first photo, not the strongest in the world. I'd like to be able to see your face a little bit clearer. Like, it's a cute photo. I think we can move that down. But I would like something clear. Remember, remember, 60 of people make their determination on nap within the first two to three seconds. And I know people listen, if you don't want to date on the apps, then this part of the show ain't for you. But there is still a big, bad world out there that does date on apps. There is still, because we have this fetishization that meeting somebody in person all of a sudden means it's going to go differently than it would on an app. But it's the same humans that are out in the world and it's just because we've put these judgments. And again, I'm not forcing anybody to use dating apps if you don't want to. I don't give a. You do whatever the you want. But then you got to get ready to go out in person and be rejected and you got to get ready and to go out in person and have someone look and go, I'm not interested in that person. That's okay. That's part of life. Just wanted to preface so I think we can do a stronger first photo. Just something a little bit more flattering of you so I could see a little bit more of your face. Teach me something about cooking. I think it's cute, but I also think at the same time you're saying cooking teach you something about it? I can cook almost anything. As long as what you want is Italian. It's like, so then what are they going to teach you about it? So I think it's a little bit of a like, okay, but you're saying you can cook anything but have them teach you something. It's cute. I don't know. That's your strongest profile prompt because I think it's like, what are they going to say of like, I can teach you how to make this? Because here's my only caveat. Then that forces it to be being like, then we're future faking. You know what I mean? Of like, well, you're not gonna do it on a first date. So then what are you gonna. Oh, we should do that on our second or third date. Oh, well, we're already putting that in there, so. Or maybe it's something of like cooking class for a first date. I don't care. Right. But maybe we just go a little further.
- [28:52]
C
You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, help care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats now through October 7th, you can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorite favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like hershey's Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, Raw Sugar, Milk Chocolate, Caramel Jack O Lanterns, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini Pops and more offerings October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [29:51]
B
Then we go into the second photo with your friend. It's okay. It's okay. It's cute. It's very millennial. So I'm here for it. Together we can be a terrible ad. I think you can lose the photo. I think you can find a more flattering photo. It does nothing. I didn't even notice that was you because you're half blurry in the mode of it. And I just. What I notice is a guy in the background and a bunch of stuff. It took me a minute to even realize that was your photo. Simple pleasures. I think that's cute. A little. Maybe random finds at the record shop. Like, maybe put in parentheses. Like, my best find so far has been, you know, like, for me it was Led Zeppelin. Four was my best. Like, because since I've Been Loving you is my favorite song and it was the first record I ever maybe put. Like, my first record I ever bought was Led Zeppelin. Like, taught me, you know, like, give something for people to engage with, time with family. I'm in a hot, ready red Krispy Kreme donut. I am so in that way view. So I like that the next photo of you with the sports again, I think we could do better again. I just don't think it's the lighting. I don't think it's adding anything. You should not go out with me if you don't like cats. Yeah, I mean, sure. But I think we can also maybe have. I think what I'm noticing here is like, what do I know about you? What do I know about you is that like, you got two cats and you can cook, but you like Italian food and then you go to record shops. But I don't know really anything else about you. So maybe it's like, you should not go out with me if, you know, you're not growth minded and driven. You're not somebody that's looking for depth in a real relationship. Oh, P.S. you also don't like cats. Cats. I got two of them. You know what I mean? Like, can we give a little bit more to where people will feel like they're getting to know you? Because how, let me ask you, how is somebody gonna respond to that prompt? Oh, you have two cats. What kind? Okay, so you're gonna Talk about your cats the whole time. That's what I mean by like, is that an icebreaker? Is that a conversation starter? Next photo. You're blurry. I can barely see, like, details of it. And then the last one's cute. I mean, it's okay. Like, I like that a favorite memory of mine. Maybe on the overlay we can say like, this was, you know, something that, like, that's my dad or something like that. So that we could be like, oh, my God, that's so sweet. Like, how long you been playing? Like, I actually like that photo. I think that cute. And I think, you know, guys, when it comes to dating apps, we ought to remember. You are trying to optimize. This is your first impression. You are optimizing to catch people's attention so that we can stand out a cut above the rest. It's the same as, like, if I were going out. Am I going to go out in my pajamas? Probably not, because I want to make sure that I stand out and I don't just blend in with everybody else looking like at the grocery store. So it's the same with dating profiles. And I just want you to remember the whole point of these prompts is to elicit a response. To start a conversation is to talk about it. And like, I listen. I love the full body. I like having photos with your friends. I think we can have a bit more. Like, again, your best bet is when you go out with your buddies. Tell them, hey, could you get candid shots of me? Even if they're like, the best one is when your friend says your name, Sabrina, and you just look over of like, yeah, those I'll. That's what I learned in for modeling for years. The best shots are not when you try to pose. They're the ones in between of when you go to fix your hair, when you go to flip it, and all of a sudden you get somebody this, like, really cool, like, smile of you doing something when you're like going to pull up your pants. The moments are in between. It's kind of like a metaphor for life, isn't it? Right? It's not really at the final destinations. It's what happens in the middle. So have your friend just be like, hey, could you take photos of me while we go to brunch? I need better dating photos. And like, one of my clients, I love her, she did that and she was getting them a little too posed where it was like her holding up like a deck of cards looking at the camera. And it's like that's not what I mean. It's not glamour shots, but have something where it feels more authentically like a good smile photo of just like looking at the camera and just smiling. Just let people feel who you are so that when they go out with you, they can feel that presence and it helps you because I. The goal of all of this is to help you guys have better experiences and become a better buyer. Because with that profile, it. It's cute, but, like, I could see how people would just be like, next because there's nothing about it that's like, oh, this guy's super interesting. I really like this. It's just very like, okay, yeah. Like, even now I'm trying to remember what I read on the profile and I just keep remembering cats and a record. Like, that's what I keep going back to. And it's like, I want you people to remember you for more than that. I want people to remember you for depth, for having something fun to say, for having something quirky and unique. I can't tell you how many guys, when I had you a sign of a or no, we. You should not go out with me if you're not growth minded and like, blah, blah. So many people were like, God, this is such a breath of fresh air. I haven't seen people talk like this. So be the breath of fresh air. Be the version that's a little different than the echo chamber that we're used to. I love you, babies. I do. Thank you guys for spending another week with me in the trenches and getting into it. As always, guys, you know, if you need anything, there are the link in show notes. You can join a course. Please, please join one of the courses. You get free group coaching every single month. With any course that you join, you get joined into a telegram group and then Sheila's in there and you guys are there with community members. It's not like a free forum where people. It's not a Facebook group. I think people misconstrue that and start asking specific questions. But it is a space where, like, if you have a question about the course of, like, hey, I read this and I'm a little confused. Is there any clarity on it? Sheila will coordinate all of the. So the meetings every single week in the telegram, so you're part of something. And then that way when you're in the courses and you can come back to them, there's meditations, there's worksheets, there's journal prompts. That way you can really start to build on. And then every month. You have the community and the support you want to work with me. I am here. My books are open while my book is being written. So we're in the process of all of that. Or if you want to just listen to the podcast, please don't forget rate and review the show, share it with a friend. And guys, I'm going to start doing some more live stuff so I'm hoping to come to a city near you. Put it in the comments, let me know where you guys want me to come and I'll start to tally it up. Get the gang together and let's make it a good time. And the only because let me be honest, the only reason I'm here is because of you guys. I'm only here because you guys show up every day. You send it to your friends, you leave the reviews, you show up and you're there for me like I'm there for you. And that's the only way that I'm going to continue. Otherwise I can just close it all and be done with it if nobody's to going to listen. So I want to thank you guys for allowing me to have my dream come true and being here to support you guys in the ways that I have been able to. And I just wanted to let you guys know I am so grateful for you and I am so excited to see where we're going to go. So don't forget, write in questions in the trenches@sabrina zohar.com send them in. Send me your profile, send me your questions, some of your screenshots. You can send text messages between you and the person. Whatever it is that you want. Send them my way. I got you babies. And until next time.
- [35:41]
C
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons N Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats. Now through October 7th, you can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, Raw sugar, milk chocolate, Caramel Jack O Lanterns, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini Popsicle, and more. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [36:12]
D
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