← The Sabrina Zohar Show
The Sabrina Zohar Show
156: What to Do When Your Partner Stonewalls You or Shuts Down Emotionally
00:32:58
Loading summary
Transcript7 lines
- [00:01]
A
You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com welcome back my babes. You know, I love my solos with you guys and I hope you guys are liking them too. I've been trying really, really hard to accommodate the best I can. And today we're going to talk about something that is a silent relationship killer but is really fucking brutal and so hard. What to do when your partner shuts down. How do you handle this? The stonewalling or the dismissive or no, no, no, no, baby, we're going to talk about it all today. Cause I got you. And as always, guys, you know we are here for you if you need anything. You wanna work one on one, you wanna join a course. So we have some updates. We are changing courses around. We have the foundation course. It's never going away. And if you're a part of a course, don't worry, you're never gonna lose it. But we're gonna be taking some things away, adding some things in, hopefully creating a membership soon. Like, I am ready to expand, to grow and to build a deeper community with you guys. So please just know everything is there. The foundation course, you can work one on one, ask a question, free guides, whatever you need. Everything will be@sabrina zohar.com or the link in bio and I've got your back, babies. And if not, thank you, thank you for just listening to the show. It means the fucking world. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hello babies. Good to see you guys. Good to be here. I'm excited. I love solo time. It's my fave. I really do. I enjoy it because I get to really connect with you guys. And as always, if you're following along on the socials, thank you for submitting your questions. Sabrina Zohar or the Sabrina Zohar show on Insta. I do a question box for every almost every episode so you guys can ask. And that's how one you'll hear me say, someone asked this. That's where it comes from. So as always, guys, thank you. Thank you for rating and reviewing the show. Thank you for following along. Thank you for sending it to your friends. Please don't forget, even if you just leave a heart, a com, any kind of comment, any Kind of engagement. It means the world. And that's how we grow. Even if you just say Marcus finished on the episode, it literally is just the most beneficial thing I can do. And if you guys want more, don't forget you can subscribe ad free to get it for four doll hairs a month. But whatever you guys need. If not, I'm just grateful to have you here. So let's get into it. Let's talk about one of the cruelest things someone can do to you without laying a fucking finger on you. And that's the silent treatment that people often disguise as I need space. And you know exactly what the fuck I'm talking about, right? Mid conversation, they just disappear. Not physically, like they might be sitting there, but emotionally left the building and you're left talking to a fucking wall wondering, what did I do wrong? And I think we have to be able to hold space because I think a lot of this conversation is nuanced. And I want to just clarify that ahead of time because I got the data right, I have the studies, I have all that fun shit. But I think what's really at the core of this is also trusting ourselves to be able to identify what's coming up. And so what I mean by that is, you know, somebody shutting down in the middle of a conversation where you're sitting there, if it happens once in a blue moon, well, that's a human, right? I've had that where Ryan and I might be mid. We're talking about something intense. And I'll just kind of sit there for a minute and you can see I'm checked out. And it's like, obviously my partner knows, typically speaking, I'm incredibly communicative. So when I shut down like that, there's something going on, right? I think my system's overwhelmed. Like I'm just overloaded at that time. But that's not my pattern. And I think that's really what I see a lot. And like some of the questions I got were like the long silent treatment. For five minutes I waited patiently and then they didn't respond. Why does my partner shutting down affect me so much? How do I take my power back? And really that, like that last one, right, that's the real one. Because somewhere along the way you handed your emotional well being over to someone who uses silence as a weapon. And today we're going to go really deep on what shutdown is. And I'm going to probably piss some people off by saying this, but it's, it's not always about overwhelm Sometimes it is about control and you're letting it work. So let's start to debunk a lot about this. And it's interesting because I asked Ryan right before I said, can I spit something at you? How do you feel when I say this sentence? And at first he goes, no, I don't. I don't think that's accurate. And I was like, okay, can we talk about it? And so that sentence was, that's something that's gonna fucking piss the avoidant people off, is that sometimes. And a lot of the times the I need space is bullshit. And when I asked Ryan, he was like, what? No, sometimes I do need space. And I said, okay, let me ask you a question. Have you ever told someone that you're dating, I need space? That's it. Just that I need space? And he was like, no, I would never say that. I was like, okay, well, thank you for proving my point. Because again, that's what we were talking about. Like, the truth about shutdown is yeah, there are genuinely people that get overwhelmed, present company included. You are a human. That's really real. But if your partner is consistently and constantly telling you that they need space, every time you try to address a problem, every time you express a need, every time you want to talk about the relationship, then that's not overwhelm, that's avoidance. That's avoidance with a self help vocabulary, to be honest. And here's something, let's get into the studies, right? Especially for you, a lot of you guys, if you know who the Gottmans are. And so Dr. Gottman can predict divorce with 94% accuracy. And do you wanna know one of those? The biggest predictor is stonewalling. And not because people get overwhelmed, but because they use silence to control, to punish, and to avoid accountability. That was my ex. Oh my God, that was my ex. I remember, like it would just be. And that's honestly my dad too. That's why I dated my ex. But like, my dad will just stonewall. He'll just. Middle of the conversation. Like, I'll never forget when he came to town a few months ago. And maybe I shared this and maybe I didn't, but if I did, sorry about that. And Ryan, we were at dinner and Ryan and I were sitting across from each other and my dad was next to me. And in the middle of it, Ryan, you know, my dad just kept saying, why you be happy, just be happy, just be happy. And I was trying to explain to him, I was like, that's not how life works. I was like, I have emotions, I'm scared, I have fears, I have things. You're fine, you're fine. And it's just dismissing, dismissing. And I was like, okay, dad, like, I'm trying to explain. And so Ryan grabbed my hand and he said, babe, I want you to know that I get you're scared. And I know that, you know, this feels really scary, but I want you to know you're not a look. And before he could finish the sentence, my dad just looked at him and went, huh? And then just turned his body full 90 degrees, like sitting here, boop in the middle. And Ryan just looked at me and he was like. And I just looked at it. I just like, I laughed. And I was like, welcome to my life. My father used silence as a means of punishing and control. And honestly, that's what we saw a lot in Love Island. But that's for another day because people are going to yell at me for saying anything anymore. Because, you know, and I'll just be honest, this is a total fucking segue. But we have gotten into a goddamn time where you can't say anything these days. You can't say anything to anybody because you're going to fucking piss somebody off. Someone's going to get upset. I mean, even half the time, like, I'll get reviews on stuff that you're just like, oh, okay, all right. And so it's like, I understand. I understand why some people are just like, I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to be bothered. Especially when you have like, you know, we all know those people where, like, no words you say, you can't like, get an word in edgewise because you're just like, everything is. They take it personally or they cry, or at those point you're just like, ok, I don't know that we can have a conversation, but when we're talking about somebody shutting down, I think the person who shuts down holds most of the power in the relationship because they decide when conversations happen. They decide which topics are off limits and how much emotional intimacy you're allowed to have. And you, oh, well, if you're stuck in that dynamic, you're just fucking grateful when they decide to grace you with their goddamn presence. And that's, I think, my biggest issue with the silent treatment or, you know, especially with this like, match their energy thing. And you're like, why? Why am I matching your energy? When you are shutting down mid conversation, you are being dismissive, you are stonewalling, you' going cold Because I said something you didn't like or asked a question, or I brought up this, and then all of a sudden you're just going to ignore me for three days because I asked you something of depth, like, no. And so you guys, I guess, don't forget if you guys don't follow along. The Sabrina Zohar show on Insta. These are where these questions come from. Look out for a question box. Almost every other day when I record. So someone asked, how do I handle someone suddenly who gets overwhelmed and disappears and goes, okay, so here's the reality. You gotta stop calling it overwhelm. Because when someone disappears on you, like, that's not just overwhelm. Overwhelmed people can communicate, hey, I'm struggling right now. A minute like, or I'm struggling right now. Can you give me a few hours? But people who disappear are teaching you that your feelings, either they don't matter enough for basic courtesy, or they're, oh, they're too much for them to handle because maybe they're emotionally unavailable. But that's the difference between explanation or excuse. And that's what I want to be clear about. That's why nuance matters. This isn't a black and white statement that everybody acts the same. So thus everyone is the same. But we also have to be able to trust ourselves to say, what's the pattern here? And what am I picking up on? You know what I mean? Like, just to be cognizant enough and aware. Because I've had that where I talk to somebody, like, maybe we. I don't On a few dates. And then when I'm like, you know, so I just want to see, like, what is it that you're looking for in a relationship? And then this is in my hate, you know, back in the day when I was like, still really in my shit. And they would just like not answer the text and I would, you know, it's with a guy. I made that video, if you guys saw it on TikTok or Insta, that had ghosted me and text me. Like, I mean, I read it on the podcast last year or like a few months ago who had text me and all that. And I feel like such a dick on the video. I was like, I just got this text and it was like, no, I had, had. I'd been sitting on that video for like three months. So I was like, whatever, you guys know what I mean? But anyways, long story medium is I lift the veil behind content creation. But when he texts me and was like, you know, I got Like I was, I didn't handle this maturely and blah, blah, it's like, okay, here's the difference. When that happened, I didn't take that personally. Why? How am I gonna take that? You disappear and do all that personally. But versus when somebody starts to shut down, stonewall, and every time we give them the excuse, they're overwhelmed. But then what does that say to us? I'm overwhelming them. My needs are too much. Oh my God, there's something wrong with me. And it's like, no, that's what I mean by is it a pattern? Is every single time you bring things up, they're shutting because then that's them trying to control the outcome here. They don't like where you're going, so they're just going to divert it. And then if our self esteem is low, we're like, oh, oh, okay, whatever you think, or I'm too much or there's something wrong with me. And it's like, well then we get into this vicious cycle. And so that's why I'm saying I think there's a difference. So someone. And what I loved about it too is I got a lot of questions from people who do have this. Like, maybe either they have avoidant tendencies or they shut down. And it was really, really nice to see the other side of the coin, to give you guys the perspective of both. Someone said, sometimes I shut down, but it means I just need some me time. Is that healthy? Okay, so this is the difference, right? This is where we have to look at the. Not the black and white, but the nuance. If you need me time, every fucking time your partner has a feeling or a need, then no, that's not healthy. That's why I'm saying look at the pattern. Because like if every single time I went to Ryan being like, hey, can I share something with you? If he was like, I can't handle it, it's like, all right, what are we doing here? But a hundred percent you time is so healthy. Sometimes Ryan and I will get very activated. We'll get really into like not an argument or a fight, but like really into like our feelings. And you're, you're really sa. Or really feeling this. And I have no problem being like, I need a few minutes. And like, I'll be honest, the other day I made a boo boo. I did. Ryan and I got into like a really heated just discussion. It was just, I was feeling really unheard. And he was feeling, I think just in his and I was in mine. And I finally Went, you know what? I don't fucking care, Ryan, do whatever you want. And I walked off and I went into my room and I just needed a minute because I was like, I know I'm gonna say something I regret. And poor Ryan, like, he came up a few minutes later and he was like, babe, can we talk? And then he came in and we had like a full hour conversation and we talked, we cried, and we had the whole moment. And then he said, I gotta tell you something, I felt really abandoned when you just said, fine, do what you want, and walked out. And he was like, I totally get that you got overwhelmed, and I have so much space for that. He was like, but I do need you to communicate that. And I was like, you're right. I said, I was like, you're right. I. I need to do better in that. And I said, I'm going to work on that. That's something I'm really going to try. Because when I shut down, I was like, I'm just used to my family that everyone just walks off. I mean, you, I just shared with you how my dad would just remove himself. So of course that was something. That's what I mean by, if it's a pattern, oh, well, then what the fuck are we doing here? But if your partner's being a human, because that's what I'm saying. Like, if every single time your partner says, I need space, I need space, that's you training your partner to never come to you with anything important. So that's where we have to say, because then what happens? Your partner's like, oh, I'm too much. And that's just us both being in our shit. Someone said, how do you communicate if your partner that is overwhelmed and shut down? Well, here's the thing, you gotta use your words before you hit that breaking point. If you're that partner, if you're the partner that shuts down and feels overwhelmed, then maybe say, I'm feeling activated, I need 20 minutes. It's very different than vanishing into thin air. Especially like, like I've had that. I remember I dated this guy and we had started as like a kind of hookup, casual thing on a vacation. And then we both realized we really liked each other. And then we were the whole thing. And I remember when I was vulnerable with him, he said, I need some space, I need to think. And I was like, okay, like, do whatever. Especially, mind you, he had just booked his ticket to come visit me and to stay with me. And we were booking a three day trip so you can imagine, I was jarred and I was so sad and I was so bummed. And I was just like, okay, but like, I can't take ownership of this. And like, five days went by and I didn't hear from him. And I every day was like, today's gonna be the day. Today is gonna be the day. Today is gonna be the day. And then I finally reached out to him and I was like, hey, so are we gonna talk or are we just gonna. He's gonna pretend? And his response was, I don't know what you're talking about. He was like, I told you I didn't want to date you. And I was like, what the. I had to screenshot and send it to him. And he tried to gaslight me. He was like, I didn't say that. And I was like, I literally just screenshot this to you to send it to you. And he was like, oh, I think you misunderstood me. And I was like, of course I did. And I just remember being like, no, I think we're good. I was like, I think we're good. I was bummed. I was sad. I was so shitty. And that I thought, like, maybe finally, like this awesome, great looking guy, we had so much fun and banter and great sex and all those things was finally going to be it. But I didn't appreciate him just completely stonewalling me, shutting down, not having conversations, and then even that, like, controlling the communication and the vulnerability that we have didn't work for me. This episode is sponsored by CB Distillery. All right, baby, let's be honest. Most of us are tired, we're stressed, we're dealing with some kind of pain. And what do we do? We power through because that's what we've been taught. And that last thing we want is another prescription. And honestly, let's also face it, nothing in the medicine cabinet ever actually works, especially with burnout and stress. And that's why I'm so glad I found CB Distillery. Their CBD products are helping so many people. I love CBD. I discovered CBD in my early 20s when I really started getting into my health and wellness journey. And it was a game changer for my anxiety. Like, I just take a little bit under my tongue, take a few deep breaths, or if I'm having period cramps, like, whatever it is, I'm obsessed and honestly, myself included, that it's helping. It helps with my sleep, it helps me feel more relaxed, and it helps me ease the kind of everyday pain, especially as you get older and the Best part, it's all made with premium quality natural ingredients. They've got a full range of solutions for stress, sleep, pain after exercise, and even CBD for pets to babies. Their soothing relief bomb is a huge customer favorite and so are their sleep products. Hello, mine included. Cuz I'm obsessed with the sleep products. Cannot go a night without it. So if you're tired of being tired and stressed, right, you're sick and tired of being sick and tired or you just want to feel better in your body, check out CBD from CB Distillery. Okay. Right now you can save 25% off your entire purchase. Yeah, that's right. Visit CB Distillery and use promo code Sabrina. That's CB Distillery.com and the promo code is Sabrina. Let's do that one more time, baby. CB distillery.com and the promo code is Sabrina. So let's talk about why you're addicted to the silence. Let's talk about why their shutdown destroys you completely and why you keep coming back for more. So first off, we talk about trauma bonds. Now I have an episode with Logan Cohen who is a therapist from January of 2024. So if you guys want more on trauma bonds, please know that that's available to you. It's not on YouTube if you're watching, but it will be on Spotify or Apple or whatever. So just to give you more. But a trauma bond is formed because when someone gives you intense connection and then withdraws, your brain becomes addicted to getting that connection back. And it's the same neurochemical process as gambling. That's why I saw somebody the other day on TikTok, of course, you know, or Threads. There's always people trying to like go against the grain, but without actually doing any data and science. And he was like, you don't get addicted to dopamine, blah blah blah blah. Pop neuroscience. This is stop listening to people on the Internet. And then you see the neuroscientist and he was like, you know when you're asking me what my qualifications are, I went to school for psychology and I took neuroscience courses. But then you see the neuroscientists in the comments being like, hey, neuroscientists here, you're right. No one's saying that you're addicted to actual dopamine. You're not addicted to the actual drugs at the time of the game. You're not addicted to the what it. You're addicted to what's happening in your brain. The unpredictability makes the reward more powerful. That's addiction. So it's not the physical dopamine. It's not just that neurotransmitter. It's not like your body's like jonesing and fixing just for that. But it's the unpredictability. It's what it means. It starts to fill in the blanks. It's delicious. It's delicious. That's why drugs, you can, you can get off drugs. Your body is not like, ooh, I need it. Your body needs water. But you get addicted to what it also helps you avoid. Like, our body can get addicted to things. So please just know that's a trauma bond as well. It's that unpredictability. It's the high highs, the low lows. They're giving you just enough and then you become bonded to them. Now again, trauma bond has like a bunch of different meanings and definitions. So please don't come at me if you're like, I googled it and it means this. It's like I'm giving you an example of a trauma bond. I have to. As you guys can see, I'm tired. I constantly have to deal with inundation and so I'm trying to dot my I's and cross my T's. But I'm also a human and there's only so much I could do. So I'm trying here and I'm trying to give you guys the data and the science the best I can. But let's continue the other education. And again, don't forget we have the foundation course. If you want more, it is really fucking helpful and it really helps you to understand your patterns and where you're going and all of those things. And don't forget, all courses include free group coaching every month with Sheila. And we have some more stuff coming in the works. I promise you it's going to be really, it's going to be a good fall. So the other thing is too is an abandoned wound. Every time you shut, they shut down on you. They're abandoning you emotionally. And that's why Ryan said, I feel like you're abandoning me. And if you have any abandonment wounds from childhood, which most of us do, then this is going to hit every single trigger you have. You'll do anything to get them back to come back, including betraying yourself because at some point in your life, you learned that that's the only way to keep you safe. And that's okay. We just have to figure out where do we learn this from. And then same when we talk about like your self worth. When someone's repeatedly shutting down on you. You start believing that you are too much, you were too needy, you were too emotional. You'll begin editing yourself. You're gonna walk on eggshells. You're making yourself smaller and smaller to avoid triggering their fucking withdrawal. And then that point again, you have self abandoned. We're no longer in the moment, we're no longer present, we're no longer in our bodies. We're doing anything we can to hold onto this person. And so one of the questions was, why does my partner shutting down affect me so much? Let's be honest, they're withholding the one thing you need most, which is emotional connection and consistency, and then making it your fault for needing it. It's psychological warfare. That looks like self care, but it's not. It's not. And I think what we really need to do is get really curious about what's coming up and how this is actually impacting us. Because you're allowed to take up space to be like, hey, this doesn't fucking work right? Like that's how it started with me. I was like, this looks like my dad and that doesn't work for me anymore. This question someone had asked made me a little sad because I'll explain why someone said the long silent five minute wait times for his response. I quietly and patiently waited. Okay, I have a question. Why the are we having arguments, conversations, or any kind of serious discussion via text that I don't understand? You are sitting here waiting patiently, waiting patiently and it's like, okay, but if you were in real time, if you were eye to eye, you know, the person's not just gonna sit there staring at you for five minutes. And this is why it's like with texting. There's no tone, there is no and like it's okay if, if you say something that's serious, somebody doesn't have to respond within five seconds. But then we have to start to look and say, what's the narrative that I'm creating about this? And then say for me it's like if there especially again, is this a pattern? Every time you bring something up, they always put space in between it or try to deflect or try to change the subject. That's what I mean by like, then we're training them that this works. But I think there's also two conflicting thoughts. This is where I need to know the nuance. Does this happen every single fucking time or does this happen once? If it happened once. Okay, well they're a human. But this is also why I'm saying stop having real conversations and heavy and hard conversations via text. These are meant for eye to eye, in person, with tonality, because text has no tone. I have had this. Sometimes I'll be on live on TikTok and people will ask a question. I'll be like, that's. Or like they'll say something. I'll be like, you, that's really mean. And they'll be like, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it that way. Like I meant to this. And I'm like, oh, it has no tone. I'm reading this how I'm reading it. Especially when you're feeling like overwhelmed, you don't know how it's going to be received to the other person. So stop having these conversations via text. How do I take my power back? You want to know? You stop fucking waiting. You stop accommodating and you stop making their emotional regulation more important than your basic need for fucking respect. Because we have to be honest that their inability to handle adult conversations is not your problem to solve. And that's why I'm saying, what is the nuance? You want to take your power back? There's a way to show up. There's a way to be like, hey, I don't appreciate that. We're going to get to that in a little bit of like, how do you actually handle this? But taking your power back means showing up for you and it means again, holding space. You're allowed to be like, hey, this is really hard for me to handle. Okay, cool. Then you have a conversation with this person and if they're not willing or they're not in a space to be able to meet you in any other way, especially half, okay, cool. But you regain your power when you stop allowing their bullshit. Again, the difference between are they being inhuman and having an explanation or are we excusing bad behavior? And I think a lot of you guys had asked about kind of the fearful, disorganized, avoidant bait and switch and you know, trying to think by the time this even comes out, we would already done the disorganized episode. So you guys can go back. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.
- [21:20]
B
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats now through October 7th. You can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, Raw Sugar, Milk Chocolate, Caramel, Jack O Lanterns, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini Pops, and more. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [21:51]
A
So we have some different ways that this shows up. Sometimes it'll be that they love bomb you and vanish and they leave you to clean up the mess that they created. Sometimes there will be a switch and then suddenly they're a ghost. And it's not just necessarily physically absent, but it might be emotionally vacant. And the person who is texting you all day is now taking hours to respond. The person who couldn't get enough of you now needs space. And the mind about that is a couple of things. One, why do you think I'm saying go slow? That's why I'm saying go slow. I don't necessarily think that these people are doing it intentionally to hurt you because they don't want you to be happy. Like, that's not what I. The hardest part I think about it is that like, the guy that I dated was like, they act like you're crazy for being confused. I remember having the guy and he was like, I never said we were exclusive. And I was like, are you fucking like, is this a fucking joke? Or like, I told you I needed space. You're being too fucking intense. So that way you start to question your own reality. That is where I have to say, that's not fucking appropriate. If you going to somebody with a need, with something that you're dealing with, and they try to deflect, they try to project, they try to gaslight you, they try to make it something that it's you. If you know your truth, hold on to that. I'm gonna say, how do I handle the mind fuck of the fearful avoidant bait and switch? Like kind of, they're all in and then they pull back. It's really incredibly destabilizing. But I think I need you to stop trying to handle it because this pattern doesn't get any better. It's gonna get worse. They're showing you that they can only handle emotional intimacy in small doses. And they expect you to be okay with the emotional scraps. That's why, I mean, like, you don't have to handle it if this person's in therapy and really doing the work and you're starting to see progress again, like any attachment style, anybody under the sun, then great, like, let's see if this is enough. Let's see if the progress is going to be enough. If it's happening in a cadence that's working for you, but you don't have to make excuses for people's behavior. It's the same with anxious, right? Like, I have people that'll write in all the time. They're like, what do I do with this person? They're not leaving me alone, they're not listening to my boundary, they won't stop. They're super hyper vigilant. They're always projecting onto me, they always think I'm doing something. And it's like, you don't. If that person's not doing anything to work on themselves, you hoping that they're going to isn't going to change anything. It's just going to keep the vicious cycle going. So another question. Avoiding a spiral of matching it while afraid to seem like you're nagging if you address it. Here's the thing. If you're afraid that speaking up and saying how you feel is going to make that person walk away, then you've already lost yourself. Because if you're scared, oh, if I say something, I'm going to be too much. My question to you is, where did you learn that from? Who taught you growing up that your needs were too much? Who taught you that taking up space meant that you're a bad person or that you're selfish? And who taught you that you're too much simply because you have something to say? Because again, if you're afraid of losing them, you've already lost yourself trying to stay in their. You know, I say that with love. All right? How to find the balance between giving them space and having your needs met. Okay, well, here's the thing. Your needs matter just as much as their need for space. So why we need to stop negotiating for the bare minimum of human decency what that looks like. What that looks like is being like, hey, while I totally understand, right, what doesn't work. Because if you're really trying to see is like being super understanding, giving them space, waiting patiently and just sitting there. All that does is that teaches them that shutting down gets them exactly what they want. What actually works is setting boundaries, having consequences and self respect. And so here's how you can balance it. Instead of like, take all the time you need, whatever, every, no rush, you take Your time. Try. I'm willing to work through this when you're ready to have an adult conversation, but I'm not willing to be ignored or dismissed. We have to stop rewarding the bad behavior. Every time you accommodate their shutdown, you're reinforcing it. So we have to quit making their emotional immaturity your emergency. And my point, again, what I'm saying is, have discernment in your own life. If you're looking at this being like, oh, this person has only done this once or twice, and we've been dating for six or seven months, like, okay, they're a human, right? And that's where we can say, hey, I've noticed that you shut down when we get really intimate. Or, I noticed that you shut down when we have these types of conversations. I ask, like, what's coming up for you? I'd like to get curious to know, is it me? Is it the conversation? Is there anything I can do? Like, you can also get curious, but that's what I mean. Versus somebody that always does this. They have a pattern. They show up, they leave, they go, they leave. That could be a core wound, and that could be. Again, where did you learn that love means that you have to put your needs aside? I'm going to ask. When they say they need time to think and respond, how long do you give them for actual fucking thinking? A few hours, Maybe a day, a couple of days? Right? But for avoiding accountability, they can take all the time they want while you live your fucking life without them. Because that's why I was explaining the guy earlier when he said, can I just have a few days? And I was like, sure. And then a few days turned into, didn't hear from him. That's where I'm like, ooh, explanation or excuse? And at the end of the day, you also get to take that space to decide, does this work for me? You also can take that space of like, I don't know that. I love that. Every single time I have an issue with someone, they shut down. Doesn't mean that you have to break up with people that. But you also get to take space to be like, well, I'm also not happy with the way you're showing up either. And so, like, let's talk about this. So how do I know when to back off? Well, you back off when you're. They're showing genuine signs of emotional flooding, right? Like, if they're having heavy breathing, their inability to think clear. Like, for Ryan and me, I just sat there staring at the floor Like, I just literally, like, you can see when someone's disregulated. Like, for my sister, she'll just. Her eyes will get glossed over. You can see she wants to cry, and then she'll just. That's it. She'll walk off. Or with Ryan, like, I understand my partner, because I can see what emotional flooding look like. I can see when they're, like, not online and they're really struggling to come back on, but you don't back off when they're just being uncomfortable with being held accountable. That, like, that's it is if you're starting to. Again, the pattern when you bring something to them of depth, of accountability, of, hey, this really bothered me. I'm done. I'm not dealing with this shit. You need to f. I'm done. That's stonewalling. All right, the last question. I need clarity from someone who has gone silent, but I don't want to chase them. Okay, well, here's the thing. Two options. One, you move on with your life and again, get really turned off by the fact that this person has gone silent and isn't responding. Or if you want to send a text, you can. You can say, I need to know where we stand. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow, I'll assume you're not interested in resolving this, and then that's that you're giving them the opportunity to be like, hey, okay, here's what I need from you, and here's the by. When it's been a week, I haven't heard from you. Like, that could be the thing. Hey, I know we agreed to take some space, but it's been over a week and I haven't heard from you. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow, then I'm just going to assume that you're not interested in resolving this and we're moving on with our lives. But I don't leave things with a without some kind of ending because I appreciate clarity. But then you have to stick with it. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, healthcare retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.
- [28:20]
B
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway Cough. And cold season is coming, so make sure you're prepared. And stock up on your family's favorite personal wellness products. Now, through October 7th. Shop in store and online for savings on products like Mucinex Kickstart Combo, Zyrtec Allergy Relief Tablets or Liquid Gels, Halls Cough Drops and Mucinex fast day and night. So you and your family are armed and ready for the season ahead. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [28:52]
A
And someone has one more question. How do you keep the conversation from being derailed? Because oftentimes the topic will shift. And how do I not let them make their shutdown the main character? All right, talk to them. Hey, I understand you got overwhelmed, but we still need to address this issue. When are you available to do that? Right. Like, it's about still again. Hey, totally get it. I understand that, like, that you got overwhelmed, but we still need to talk about the fact that, like, you didn't show up for me in the time that I needed. When are you available to do so? That's what I mean by it's okay to be blunt and honest. It's okay to be real with somebody. And then let's talk about if you're the one who recognizes the shutdown. First off, I'm really proud of you. But what I want to say is you're not protecting yourself when you do that. You're emotionally abandoning your partner. And I get it. When things get hard, it feels like you're just like, can't do that. But oftentimes your need for space might feel like self care to you, but to your partner, it feels like punishment. And every time you shut down, you're teaching them that they cannot come to you with their problems, needs, or feelings. And again, I want to say this. This doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. And I'm not saying, like, oh, you're to blame. No, because oftentimes, if someone's coming at you with a lot of emotion and stuff, I can understand the shutdown. But we also have to say we have to stop making excuses. You know, I'm just overwhelmed. Okay. Right. Why are you avoiding the discomfort? But if someone says like, hey, I don't want to say something to regret. Can you give me 20 minutes? I just. I, like, need to come back online. Of course. Right, of course. Like, that I totally feel is really valid, but we have to look explanation or excuse, you're like, I'm really tired. I can't deal with this right now. And you're like, like, okay, so what am I supposed to do? Just sit with my dick in my Hands again. It can happen, right? If someone's like, babe, I literally just got home from work 10 minutes ago. Can you give me, like, a minute? Fine. Of course, right? We could be human. There's a difference. And someone said, you're shutting down and how to get out of that cycle. Well, start by admitting that this is a choice. It's not something that just happens to you, but you can learn to communicate your needs without disappearing on people. And what I mean by that is when I say a choice, when you regulate, what do we regulate our nervous system for? To come back to a place of choice. And I get it. You might be like, what? I'm not choosing this. Not consciously. I think your nervous system and your body are trying to keep you safe in their perception of safe. But they're also, you know what, they're trying to protect you from going to the deeper wound, getting vulnerable, having that. They don't want you to be seen in that way. We gotta push through that. Someone said, some tips for the partner who is the one who shuts down. Best way to acknowledge it. Say, hey, I know my shutting down hurts you, and I'm working on staying present even when I'm uncomfortable. And I'm gonna practice communicating my needs instead of just disappearing. Hearing, like, that's a really mature way of handling it. Or have a conversation after it. Right. Like, I think that's what's really important here, is we have to look at. Because, like, taking space is beneficial. Taking space is fine when you're, like, communicating, but abandoning your partner emotionally every time you're uncomfortable is not. And that's the difference that we need to learn. And that's the difference of that. That some people are just not capable of emotional intimacy. That's the hard truth. And no amount of understanding, patience, or accommodation is going to change that. And so that's what I'm saying. There's a difference between, does this person have the bandwidth? Like, when Ryan, he used to shut down, it wasn't like he would remove himself. And I didn'. Talk to him for three days. I could just see he'd go offline. And then I'd be like, hey, you good? And he'd be like, sorry, can you, like, give me a minute? Yeah, sure. And he would, like, do what he needed to do, come back, because he learned how to regulate. Same with me. When I want to get really anxious, I'm like, sorry, I'm noticing my body is feeling really warm. I'm like, can you just give me a second? Or like, sometimes Me and Ryan will be mid conversation, and he'll be silent. He's like, please know, I'm not avoiding the conversation. I'm trying to process this in real time right now. Can you, like, give me a minute? And I'm like, yeah, I was. Tell him. I'm like, I'll just sit here. And he was just like, yeah, that's all I need. Communicate with each other. Other. And if you say. If you're like, hey, you know, to your partner, I've noticed you shut down a lot. Feel like, yeah, I'm so sorry. Okay, what do you need from me? How can we, like, work through this together? If you have somebody that's willing and able and you're able to start seeing progress, it's like, okay, cool. The real question is, stop asking how do I handle their shutdown? And start maybe asking, why am I accepting this level of emotional abandonment? Yeah, you're not your therapist. It's not your job to manage their emotional capacity, walk on eggshells around their triggers, or accept scraps of attention when they decide you're worthy of it. The pattern reveals everything. Because if someone consistently shuts down when you need them most, when you try to address your problems, or when you express your needs, they're showing you, and I need you to believe them. That's the reality. Because using silence as a weapon is not going to create a safety. And we have to stop accommodating the shutdown. Let's call it what it is. Let's demand better from people who claim to care about you. Because you deserve someone who stays present when things get hard, who fights for the relationship instead of fleeing from it, and who sees your needs as valid instead of inconvenient. You cannot love someone into emotional availability, but you can stop accepting unavailable as long as love. That's the thing. What are your choices? And so, again, that's why I'm saying I trust that you guys will know what's here and what's not. That when someone shuts down because they're feeling overwhelmed and flooded, that could be a couple of minutes, maybe 20, maybe 30, maybe. They say, hey, can I call you back in 30 minutes? Like, I just. I kind of want to journal for a second and understand this, because I'm actually a little, like, I don't even know what I'm upset about anymore. I think there's a way that we can clearly articulate our needs. And the same with the anxious folks, right? If you're just like, hey, I really need a response right now, and if you're just like, I would really love one, I'm obviously not going to push that, but could we maybe talk in 20 or 30, 40? I'm feeling really anxious right now, and it's feeling very unsettled. To give this more time, I don't do well in limbo. Again, just communicate. Just tell someone where you're at and see if they have the bandwidth. I think a lot of you guys don't realize how much power and control you have in your own life. And I totally get that as somebody who didn't know for a while, but let me be the reminder. Please take up space. Please communicate. Please have these conversations with people, because we need more authentic voices in this fucking world. I love you, babies. I do. Don't accept some bullshit. Don't accept breadcrumbs, don't accept this nonsense sense. It's one thing if somebody is getting overwhelmed or feeling really triggered or has a moment, especially when heightened emotions are heightened. It's a different thing when they use this every single fucking time as a means of control. Like I said, every time you say something, hey, do you want to hang out? It's 10 to 15, like, hours in between everything. But yet if you're just like, hey, suck. Or if you send like a sexy photo, they respond immediately. Every time you're like, hey, you know, can we, like, are you free to chat tomorrow? Like, I'd love to gain clarity about where you're at. And then three days go by and they're like, sorry, got super swamped. And you're like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You're just avoiding this right now. There's a difference. So start to get curious, like I said, and if you're not sure, talk to them about it. Of like, hey, I noticed you shut down. Like, are you in a space where we can. I want to get curious. Is this something we can work through, or is this something that you're okay with? Because that doesn't work for me. You guys got this. And guys, as always, thank you. Thank you. I'm so excited. I realized the other day on the episode in the Trenches, a bunch of people were commenting, like, their city. And I was like, wait, when did I say that? And it was at the end. I had asked you guys to let me know where you want me to come for the tour. And it made my heart sing because I was like, oh, thanks for sticking around till the end. End. Thank you for hearing me and thank you for being here. So, guys, as always, I got the course if you want anything, everything's@sabrina zara.com or link in the show notes. And if you don't need anything, don't worry about it, but we're here. And please don't forget to rate and review the show. Subscribe on all the channels. Follow along so you never miss anything. And just know we're never alone and I'm here for you. Until next time, babies.
- [35:28]
B
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway Cough and cold season is coming, so make sure you're prepared and stock up on your family's favorite personal wellness products. Now through October 7th. Shop in store and online for savings on products like Mucinex Kickstart Combo, Zyrtec Allergy Relief Tablets or Liquid Gels, Halls Cough Drops and Mucinex Fast day and night so you and your family are armed and ready for the season ahead. Offerings October 7th restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [35:58]
A
Chances are you've been to the doctor recently, and you probably handed over your insurance, your ID and even your Social Security number. Your doctor is just one of many places that has your personal info, and if any of them accidentally expose your details, you could be at risk for identity theft. LifeLock monitors millions of data points a second. If you become a victim, they'll fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code iheart or go to lifelock.com iheart for 40% off terms apply.